Missouri Showme September, 1949Missouri Showme September, 194920081949/09image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show194909Missouri Showme September, 1949; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1949
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Missouri Showme
September 1949
25 cents
Neophyte Issue
Camel Cigarettes
Pucketts
Plaza
Letters to
Showme
Dear Editor:
. . . With your help, let's startle
Old Mizzou this year by establishing
a bond of friendship between our
two publications.
No more fixed "What do you think
of Showme?" polls on our part. Your
magazine is tops in the nation, and the
Student has merely lost prestige in the
past by fighting it. It's high time
we shook hands and both did our best
to boost Missouri.
Ray Rowland, Editor
Missouri Student
Those undoubtedly are he kindest
words ever written about Showme
by an editor of the Student. Through
the tears in our old eyes we can see
you are a gentleman, sir. Leave us get
together over a beer and seal this deal.
Ed.
Dear Editor:
I have put up with Showme for a
year now, and I question your policy
of using 'straight' fiction. Why,
when one can find such reading in
national 'slicks', does a humor mag-
azine print such material? The car-
toons and jokes are fine . . . let's see
more of 'em.
John Schweikert
16301 Lkwd. Hts. Blvd.
Cleveland 7, Ohio
We submit, John. In response to
student demand, the strictly serious
fiction is being dropped. Our writers
are taking laughing gas this year. Ed.
Dear Editor:
The story in the 'Party Issue' about
a man with too much curiosity was
well-written and a real attention-
getter. "Sundown in the Marshlands"
was enjoyable reading.
Milton M. Armstrong
602 S. Williams
Columbia, Mo.
Coleman Younger and his galloping
nudes are back with us this semester.
He promises us more of the same. Ed.
Dear Editor:
Hey . . . how's about including ole
RKJ on your mailing list? Send me
a bill for the issues for the rest of
the year and keep 'em coming. I'm
finding that I miss old State U., but
am damned glad to be through school.
Bob 'Disc Derby' Jones
Radio Station KVOO
Tulsa, Okla.
Roger-dodger, Bob. Over and out.
Ed.
Dear Editor:
Do you have an office? If so,
where is it and when are you there?
George Buse
Columbia, Mo.
Yes. 304 Read Hall (take a can-
teen and plenty of food if you under-
take the journey). 2 to 4 p.m. Mon-
day through Friday. Please check
shotguns or knives at the door. Ed.
Everything goes except a date with the girl in the suit from
JULIE'S
Henri Noel
The Stable
editor's
ego
This first issue is most respectfully
dedicated to those wanton little char-
acters who infest our campus every
Fall . . . the neophytes.
Complete with beanies and bewild-
ered looks, the newcomers can be seen
wandering about town, peering wist-
fully into booze parlors, dodging auto-
mobiles, and generally getting in
everyone's way.
Showme and Swami hope to guide
these provincial urchins . . . start
them on the right path . . . and
make them wise in the ways of the
world. For a quarter, one-fourth of
a dollar, we will become their mother-
away-from-home. And that is why
we are devoting the first issue to
our wide-eyed, unblemished frosh.
Believe it or not, Showme is be-
ginning its twenty-seventh year at
Missouri (including several censorial
detours). The older members of our
present staff, who can be distinguished
by their harried looks and Hoover
buttons, like to reflect on the good
fortune accorded Showme during the
post-war years. Our circulation has
doubled, advertising has tripled, and
we possess a top-flight national rat-
ing. We even made money!
But we're not through. . . . This
year our old readers will find more
cartoons, more jokes, and more humor-
ous stories in Showme's pages. In short,
we're going to knock ourselves out
trying to please you, the reader.
If you don't like something, write
us . . . don't spit at staff members.
And if you draw, write, like to sell,
or have two heads, common up to
our office. It's the room in Read
Hall with opium smoke coming out
from under the door.
We've got lots of surprises and
yuks coming up for you this semester.
The more sadistic staff members al-
ready are rubbing their clammy hands
together and chortling with glee,
rarin' to put their fiendish plans to
work. So be prepared for anything.
Showmeingly yours,
Editor-in-chief
Associate Editors
Sinclair Rogers
Jerry Smith
chris Chilcutt
Publicity Director
Business Secretary
Art Staff
Advertising Staff
Keith hershey
Pat Bauman
C.J. Cherry
Neophyte
Issue
Missouri
Showme
YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE
Contents
The Marryin' Kind
You, Too, Can Survive
Room 666 Jesse
How to Ride a Taxi
Comes College-Girls!
Freshman Primer
Neophytes' Key to the Kampus
Filched
Letters
Editor's Ego
Around the Columns
Candidly Mizzou
Lafter Thoughts
Boy and Girl of the Month
Donn's Corner
Jerrymandering
Contributors' Page
COVER BY FLASH FAIRFIELD
Volume 27 September, 1949 Number 1
SHOWME is published nine times, September through May,
during the college year by the students of the University
of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copy-
rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts may be sent by
mail or delivered to the office. Advertising rates furnished
on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B.
Bradbury Co., 122 East 42nd St., New York, N. Y. Printer:
Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a
copy, $2.75 by mail. Office Hours: 2 to 4 p.m., Monday
MEMBER through Friday, 304 Read Hall.
5
Neophyte with cheek so fair,
Enter college, but beware;
Do the very best you can,
And don't come back a college man.
6
Around The Columns
Overheard
In a crowded resort restaurant:
"Don't you put 'Miss' on my tomb-
stone . . . I haven't missed anything!"
September
Back again . . . another whirl
books, parties, football, dates. . .
on the campus the first time
books, parties, football, dates
just more of them to look forward to
. . . darn good to be back . . . glad
to leave in June . . . happier to be
back now . . . wonder if Jack's back
. naw, he found a job in Florida
he liked; says it's a good deal . . .
wonder how the girls'll stack up this
year . . . meeting the Suzie train
. . . yell-ins . . . not bad . . . not
bad . . . anything new open in town?
. . . jump in, we'll take a look around
. . all pretty much the same . . .
Broadway . . . the highways . . . 9th
Street . . . sure good to be back . .
new faces, new friends, new room-
mates . . . book lines and first-day
classes . . .hard to sit still for 50
minutes . . . gotta get used to it
. . . gotta raise the average this year
. . . horselaughs . . . back on Jesse's
steps . . . whatja' do this summer?
. . . how'dja make out? . . . still
pinned? . . . tales by the hours . . .
lengthened, exaggerated, fabricated
. . . but good . . . didja see the car
Bill's drivin' now? . . didja see?
. . whatya think? . . three month's
chatter in two weeks . . . summer
forgotten . . . routine begins . . .
books, parties, football, dates . . .
darn, it's good to be back!
Same Old Story
"Joe College was en route to Tiger
Town to have supper and to his mis-
fortune, Miss Coed coincidentally was
on her way there, too, and naturally
she bumped into Joe.
'Hello,' Miss Coed smiled. Where
are you going?'
'I'm going to supper,' Joe replied
hesitantly. 'Would you care to join
me?' he added as a matter of polite-
ness, trying to be chivalrous.
'Oh, I'd be delighted,' Miss Coed
accepted with affection and to Joe's
horror.
'Well, let's flip a coin to see where
we eat,' said Joe disgustedly. 'I guess
we'll go here; there isn't too much
difference.'
'Oh, Joe, how romantic!' Miss Coed
cooed. 'This is where we first met
four years ago when we first started
at school. Don't you remember?'
'No, I hadn't thought about it,'
Joe remarked with irritation.
'How could you forget!' Miss Coed
moaned dejectedly. 'Why, Joe, noth-
ing has changed . . . the same old
smelly odor, the same menus, the same
food, the same booths!'
'Yes, and the same darn prices,
too!' Joe observed sarcastically."
We rather enjoyed this bit of
chronic griping which was on the
back page, bottom right-hand side, of
the July 26 issue of Summer Reveille,
the student newspaper at Louisiana
State University in Baton Rouge.
"What the devil," we thought.
"They say they have the world's
largest cafeteria, darn near every dorm
has one, and they have a darn good
assortment of outside joints . . . and
they're still griping. Don't know
when they're well off? They just
haven't been to Missouri! At least
these people can't see the bottom of
their cup through their coffee!"
Just Like An Engineer
An Engine School friend of ours
returned to the University this Fall
only to find he had drawn a certain
professor he disliked . . . dating from
previous experience. It seems this
professor has the annoying habit,
when lecturing, of uttering a guttural
"uh" between his sentences and often
within them.
So what did the brilliant engineer
do? On the second day of class he
arrived with a stop-watch, graph
paper, and all the paraphernalia neces-
sary for a statistical survey.
After several days of observation,
he determined accurately the aver-
age time required for the utterance
of each "uh," and the average num-
ber of "uhs" given voice to during
each lecture. Multiplying these by
the number of lectures per day and by
the number of days per school year,
etc., he ascertained that in the twenty-
five years the professor has been
lecturing, he has spent six months
saying nothing but "uh."
Thus, an engineer gives vent to his
wrath.
7
"College Men Are Funny"
Last Spring The Ladies' Home Jour-
nal questioned us for an article they
were doing on college humor. They
were polling publications in all 48
states, and their August issue con-
tained the results.
Flatteringly, they conceded that
"College Men Are Funny," but, after
reading the article several times, we
still aren't sure whether they mean
funny like Bob Hope or Fred Allen,
or, funny like some side-street odd-
ball in Grennwich Village. Regard-
less, we learned quite a bit about
ourselves and our environment.
First, we learned that we are in-
dividuals . . . with talent and versatil-
cy who make fair-to-good grades
with a minimum of effort, who eat
and drink well, and who shine in
poker and with the ladies. We see
ourselves as "casual, worldly, slightly
cynical and disillusioned." (Jack
Armstrong was never like this.)
Second, we talk with almost unin-
telligible slang-at least some of us
do.
Examples: "You're an E.N.P.M."-
egotistical, neurotic, psychopathic
moron. (Probably best translated as
"You're a dumb S.O.B.)
"I'm buggy," or "I've got the
botts" signifies irritation, according
to the Journal's findings. An "up-
per plate" means something old, and
"F.F.F.F.T.O.Y.F.F." requests that
you "Fall flat five times on your fat
face." (On the hurried Missouri cam-
pus, this is cut to "Drop dead!")
Finally, we, as college humor mag-
azines, picture the poor professors as
either "small, thin men with spindly
noses and pince-nez glasses or as mas-
sive hulks with widely separated teeth
and pugnacious leers," scarcely hu-
man, and always speaking with a
growl. Our collective opinion on
these creatures, according to the Jour-
nal, probably is summed up by this
poem which they reprinted from the
Yale Record:
Said an ape as he swung from his tail,
To his children, both male and female,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
Summer Report
Several times, early last summer,
when vacationing became dull for
the moment, we wondered what was
going on back here in Columbia that
was new, different, or just plain in-
teresting. Our questioning mind was
put at ease finally by a letter from an
observant friend, who, deprived of his
vacation by a dearth of honor points,
was sweating our summer school.
After his enlightening comment, we
spent idle moments pondering the
merit of flying disc clubs and the
Atlantic Treaty.
Our friend's observation:
"Nothing, absolutely nothing has
happened in this ghost town since
the youthful college set left, and the
seedy, cobwebbed, school teachers ar-
rived replete with electric, wheel-
chairs, halitosis, and an imbecilic thirst
for knowledge. God save the grade
school youngsters who are contam-
inated by these misfit male principals
and superannuated virgin school-
marms."
(The above views are solely those of
our observant friend, and in no way
reflect the ideas of Showme or its
staff. Any similarity to persons liv-
ing or dead is purely coincidental.)
So Dear to Their Hearts
We were flattered to learn, in mid-
summer, that our efforts of the previ-
ous year had left an imprint, of sorts,
on the minds of some of our read-
ers. We felt that the many hours
spent in the production of our little
publication had been rewarded.
The acknowledgment came in the
form of a dirty, foot-scuffed drawing
or cartoon that had been rescued from
the floor of a World Lit classroom.
The drawing, quite skillfully done,
showed a battered ash can sitting in
the street, sun or lamplight beating
down on it, with stench rising in
waves. The can was overflowing,
an apple core and a banana peel having
fallen to the pavement. On top, in
full glory next to an empty whisky
bottle and another apple core, was
a copy of Showme.
The cover on the magazine looked
similar to the one used on our 1948
'Holiday Issue.' We cannot under-
stand why that particular issue was
pictured, for we always thought it
was one of our cleanest efforts.
But . . we were happy. We had
achieved our aim to remain in our
reader's minds throughout the summer.
Our Betters
In anticipation of those who begin
work this year toward that scholastic
pinnacle, Phi Beta Kappa, Showme
wishes them God-speed.
However, it is with regret that we
relate the following incident. . . .
One of our more illustrious "grinds"
went home this summer with his key
and proudly displayed it to his ad-
miring and blubbering parents. Then
he started to tell them of the solemnity
of the initiation, the illustrious scho-
lars who decorted the occasion, the
propound speeches that were made,
etc.
All of a sudden his kid brother
piped up out of nowhere, "Gee, what
a sissy fraternity. Didn't they take
you for a ride and leave you in the
country all tied up or make you lead
a cow down the town's main street?"
Tut, tut. This skeptical younger
generation.
Oh, Give Then a Home
The United States government, we
have discovered, isn't wholly different
from a school administration, a news-
paper office, or grandma's attic-at
least as far as records are concerned.
Our busy bureaucrats and administra-
tors have diligently piled away some
20 million cubic feet of records-
enough, it has been estimated, to fill
six Pentagon buildings.
The headache of finding these six,
or their equivalant, falls to the Na-
tional Archives Department which is
going sleepless these nights trying to
find as much as even an empty broom
closet. According to our informa-
tion, the department is daily troubled
with "nightmarish visions of the day
when all life will be crowded out of
Washington, leaving only the records."
Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Beer
American drinking habits are de-
plorable! That's the opinion of a
syndicated psychologist who goes on
to say that we drink because we
don't know how else to have a good
time. We had partially agreed with
a first idea that Americans drink for
reasons different from peoples of
other nations, but we objected to such
an unfair generality as his second
point.
Explaining, the psychologist con-
tended that an American's notion of
a good time is mostly making whoopee,
that we gulp hard liquor to get a
quick buzz and to see how many we
can take during an evening. He con-
trasted the Frenchman or the Italian
who spends all evening chatting over
a small glass of wine or liqueur. All
of which we feel is quite inaccurate
without a few qualifications.
Of course, there is a group of
usually noisy "whoopee" makers who
fit the psychologist's description, but
it's a small one compared to the mil-
lions who step out every night and
have a good time without joining
them. That the average American's
idea of a good time is far from just
making "whoopee" is clearly shown
by box-office recepits, sports atten-
dance figures, and dozens of surveys.
Even here in Columbia, where tak-
ing a bath is considered entertain-
ment, the percentage of those drinking
to get drunk is small . . . well, pretty
small, anyway.
His comparison of the Frenchman
and the Italian is rediculous, too-
especially in non-hard-or-mixed-drinks
areas. Just as an experiment, we'd
like to sit down with the psychologist
while he spends an evehing slowly
sipping one glass or bottle of watery,
rapidly-warming beer.
We think his column would read
differently the next day.
R. R. S.
9
Candidly Mizzou
Photos by Sinclair Rogers
FAMILIAR SIGHT to returning undergrads is Jesse Hall and the six ball-point pens. For neophytes and those who forget, the Columns
are all that remain of the first administration building. Seems that a candle-illuminated chandelier fell down one evening in 1892,
causing a fire that a faulty fire hose couldn't handle. The result: A paradise for dogs and a, place to grow ivy.
10
CHEWING TOBACCO and words fly through the air in the other Columbia," north of Broadway. Farmers and philosophers gather
before the Courthouse daily, making small talk and soaking up sun. The Courthouse, not to be outdone by the University, has four
columns of its own. Their history is vague, but the story is they didn't want to slight dogs on the north end of town.
SUMMER SESSION was play for some, work for others. Many forgot studies with bridge, swimming, loafing. Some, feeling the
dire need of honor points, sought seclusion with a fly-swatter and books. Bald student on the right solved the bug problem with
his pipe. General feeling about the whole thing: This is the last time I ever spend the summer in this burg."
11
TOUGH TIGERS were well into the football grind when school resumed last week. Under the careful scrutiny of close-mouthed
Don Faurot (right), burly Bengals have been going through their paces since late August. Well aware of the tough schedule
ahead . . . and true to form, Coach Faurot makes no predictions, works the boys hard. Fans, also'true to form, feel this is the
year.
BEER AND BASEBALL proved a delightful combination for lazy
summer students who like sports in shorts. Smug expressions
belong to two Cardinal fans. The disgusted lad on the right is
from Pittsburgh.
12
FOOTBALL FANATICS can bring their friends to Tiger home
games this Fall. Memorial Stadium capacity has been in-
creased several thousand with the addition of the new bleachers
pictured above. Students are stunned.
photo of the month
RUSHING GRIN and hearty hand shake dominated the school scene during mid-September. Eager frats, ambitious to keep our
house on top," pulled out all stops to show incoming neophytes the finer points of fraternity life. Above youngster is being greeted
by a host of good brothers' . . .dined on ice-tea and cold cuts . . and went for a convertible ride
13
"I can see that this guy is really taken because his
eyes are workin' her over and he's breathin' pretty hard."
14
The Marryin' Kind
When Magnan, Red, and Blackie decided the blonde should
get married, they knew exactly what they were doing . and why!
By Jerry Smith
I'D BEEN knockin' around St.
Looie, doin' a little hackin' and havin'
myself a hell of a time when this
dame starts givin' me trouble and I
figure it's about time to pull out.
You know how it is with dames-
you never can tell when they're kid-
din', and I wasn't goin' to stick around
and find out.
So I grabbed the first bus out, not
botherin' to find out where it's goin',
and that's how I come to end up in
this Ozark tank town. It was really
a crummy burg, but I figured the
St. Looie dame would have a hell of
a time findin' me.
I checked in at the best hotel in
town, which happened to be the only
hotel in town. I told the guy at the
desk that my name was Jones and he
told me that his was Magnan and
spent the next half hour tellin' me
his life history. He was about fifty-
five, with thin, sandy hair and looked
like a well-fed fraulein about to have
twins.
In the course of the conversation he
lets me know that his hotel has the
best restaurant in town, which is also.
the only restaurant in town. I'm
pretty hungry and in no mood to
argue about monopolies so I throw my
bags in a corner and head for the
sign that says 'Eats'.
The restaurant consisted of four
tables and a waitress that made me
wonder why I had spent my life
in the big city. She was the prettiest
damn blonde I've ever seen, and I
mean honest to goodness blonde. Of
course, it wasn't the hair that
bothered me, but what she was
carryin' around under it.
As soon as she brings me the menu
I start workin' up to her. She isn't
so bad with the come on either. Right
away I can see that the-gal knows
her stuff. When she leaves I notice
these two guys at another table givin'
me the look over-and the look is
plenty mean. One of them is about
forty-five, everyday lookin', and has
coal black hair; the other is about
thirty, built like a street lamp, and
has hair red like an over ripe tomato.
They look meaner by the minute.
The blonde comes back, hippin' her
way over to me, and starts usin' her
eyes. Right away it starts gettin'
hotter than hell in the place and I
can feel the sweat workin' out on my
forehead. I start givin' her the old
line and she eats it up like she's been
waitin' for it. I'm doin' pretty .good
when this kid runs in and right away
the blonde slides away. She sways over
to him and they go into a big confer-
ence. I can see that this guy is really
taken because his eyes are workin' her
over and he's breathin' pretty hard.
Right then and there I decide to keep
hands off, because I've got enough
troubles without messin' with another
guy's gal.
The two finally break it up, and the
kid kind of staggers over to the table
where these two guys are sittin'. He
flops down, drags out a handkerchief
and starts workin' on his face. It's
very plain that he is taken with this
blonde.
"How're things tonight, Billy?" the
guy with the black hair says.
"Fine, just fine," he grasps.
"That's good," Blackie says, "Come
to spend another weekend with
Annie?"
"Yes sir."
"Gettin' to be pretty regular, ain't
it?" the red head puts in.
ILLUSTRATED BY BILL GABRIEL
"Yeah, guess so."
"Looks pretty serious." Red kind
of smiles.
"Why . . . why . . I don't know."
"Oh, come now, Billy," Blackie
says, sort of fatherly, "You're down
here most every weekend."
The kid ain't got anything to say.
"Spoke to your mother yet?" Red
asks.
"Oh," the kid says, surprised, "Why
I don't think . ."
Magnan, the fat guy from the desk,
comes in and sits down with them.
"Well, howdy, Billy," he smiles.
"Hello, Mr. Magnan."
"We was just askin' Billy if he had
said anything to his mother about
Annie," Red informs Magnan.
"Well, that's nice," Magnan says,
"What did she say, Billy."
"Why . . . why . . . I havn't
said anything."
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
Magnan seems surprised. "Surely those
are your intentions. After all, you
do travel forty-five miles every week-
end just to visit Annie."
"Yes said, but marriage. I couldn't
get married."
"What!" Red is shocked. "Billy,
you ain't just messin' with Annie,
are you?"
"Oh, no sir, no sir."
"You can't mess with a girl like
Annie," Blackie puts in, "Annie's the
marryiri' kind, Billy. You should know
that by now. Why, she doesn't even
(Continued on Page 18)
15
SEE the children in the classroom. They go to the big University. The children are smiling. They must do this to get
good grades. It is a game. It is called "Bang the Ear." The teachers like this game.
Freshman Primer
Read and learn, children . of life at the big University
THIS is a professor. He is a smart man. See how kind
he looks. He tells the students long stories. They go
to sleep.
16
THE sophomore is holding a 'pony.' It helps him pass
tests. This is naughty. His pony is too big. He will
always be a sophomore.
THIS boy and girl are pinned. That means he can kiss
her at the sorority house. She tells him, "Look out, here
comes the housemother."
BEWARE of this bad man. He is a University watchman.
He watches you. He has power. He likes power. He
has never gone to college.
SEE the pretty sorority girl. She is at a party. She is
looking for her date. She will not find him. She will
get fried.
SEE the tall fraternity man. He tells the little freshman
his fraternity is best. He is twisting the boy's arm. This
is called Rush Week.
17
Nu-Joy
The Marryin Kind
(continued from page 15 )
let you walk her all the way to the
door, does she?"
"Why, no sir. I always say good-
bye at the foot of the path."
"There you are," Red says, "That
proves it. Why I'm ashamed of you,
Billy. I thought your intentions were
honorable."
This goes on for quite a while and
I'm gettin' about enough of this com-
munity lonely hearts club, so I pull
out and go up to my room. Later
on I decide to wander around town
to see if I can find a beer. Magnan
and these two guys are still in the
restaurant, but Billy and the blonde
are gone.
I don't find any beer, and to top
it all I get lost. While I'm wanderin'
around I stumble on Billy and Annie
doin' a little neckin' in back of one
of the buildings. They are in a
deep clinch and don't even notice
me. Billy is kind of moanin', but I
don't see any reason for it as he is
only kissin' her. Annie is kind of
rubbin' against him and all of a
sudden his hands start doin' things
and Annie squeals a little.
All of a sudden this guy appears and
pulls them apart. As soon as he speaks,
I know it's Magnan. He makes Annie
leave and walks off with Billy, givin'
him a lecture. I catch something
about Annie being the marryin' kind.
I decide that I should be happy about
livin' in the big city.
The next day I found out that there
are no busses comin' through until
the following day, so I spend the rest
of the day watchin' Billy gettin' the
works. These three are certainly funny,
fat Magnan with the sandy hair, the
red-haired bean .pole, and Blackie
somewhere between them. I'd always
heard that in small towns everybody
knew everybody else's business, but I
thought these guys were carryin' it
to extremes. I can see that Billy is
weakening and it won't be long be-
fore he gives in.
The next day I pack up the bag
and go down to pay my bill. Right
away I can see that something has
happened because Magnan is all smiles
and refuses to let me pay anything.
Then Red wants to buy my breakfast.
I don't see why I should pass up a
good thing, so I accept. After break-
fast, Blackie buys me a cigar. They
are happy as hell. Magnan tells me
that the two got married, but they
don't talk much about it. They just
sit around with a satisfied smile on
their faces. It amazes me how three
guys could be so happy about marryin'
off a gal that doesn't even belong to
them.
As I'm walking toward the bus
station, I see Billy sittin' on a door-
step. This seems queer as I can't see
anybody with a wife like Annie
spendin' his time on a doorstep. He
looks like he has just gotten the death
sentence. He looks sadder than hell,
and damned if I can figure it out.
It's impossible that a gal like Annie
could be that disappointing. He's
kind of moanin' and I'm about to go
over and ask if he's sick when the
door behind him opens and out walks
Annie. Right away I see why Billy
is moanin' and Magnan, Blackie and
Red are so damned happy; and right
away I'm glad that I live in the big
city where gals scare the hell out of
you and make you run away, because
trailin' behind Annie are four kids-
two are sandy-haired and fat like
frauleins, one is middle-sized with
black hair and the last is a skinny
little brat with tomato-red hair, and
every damn one of them is hollerin'
"Mommy".
Prettiest damn blonde I ever saw.
THE END
". . . And what did you do this
summer?"
Swami's
Side-Slappers
The unwed mother was in the hos-
pital next to her illegitimate child.
The doctor entered on his tour of
the patients.
"Your hair is red," he said to her,
"the child's is brown. What was
the color of the father's hair?"
"I don't know," was the innocent
reply, "he didn't take off his hat."
She was only a lawyer's daughter,
but it was easy to break her will.
A certain man was quite famous for
the number of weekends he could lose.
On one of these occasions, he awoke
one morning to find a woman sitting
serenely at the foot of his bed.
"Shay," he murmured, "aren't you
the beautiful, dark, senorita I was
dancing with last night?"
To which she proudly replied, "Yas-
sah, boss, dat's me!"
She: "It's getting real cold, isn't it?"
He: reflectively) Winter draws on.
She: Sir!
Freshman: Are you a coed?
-Babe: No, I got that way from
sitting in a hammock.
First Scotchman: Sandy, where did
you get those two bicycles?
Sandy: My girl and I were but for
a ride. We stopped in a nice shady
place on the road to rest. After a
while I kissed her. Then I put my
arms around her waist. I asked her
if she liked that. She said it was
great. Then I kissed her and squeezed
her. She said, "Gee, Sandy, you're
wonderful. You can have anything
I've got."
First Scotchman: Then what hap-
pened?
Sandy: Why, I took her bicycle.
The Pen Point
Paul Allen
Florist
SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS
ODUS POWELL'S
STANDARD STATION
Swami's
Side-Slappers
Models The artist made me pose
with a rifle in my hands.
Friend: Is he doing a picture of
war?
Model: No, he can't trust himself.
Little Girl to Policeman: Can I
trust you?
Policeman: What?
Little Girl: Can I trust you?
Policeman: Why, certainly. All
little girls can trust policemen.
Little Girl: All right, then, please
button my panties.
He (soliciting for charity): What
can I put you down for?
She: Sir! How dare you!
First Coeds Bob gave me some lip-
stick for my birthday because he took
it off every date we had.
Second Coed (absentmindedly):
Mike gave me bloomers.
There was a young girl
From Wooster,
Who dreamed a young man
Had seduced her.
She woke with a scare
To find no one there.
A bump in the mattress
Had goosed her.
Salesman: Do you wear night-
gowns or pajamas?
Young Lady: No!
Salesman: My name is Bower, Jake
Bower.
A man of six feet, eight inches, ap-
plied for a job' as a life guard.
"Can you swim?" asked the beach
manager.
"No," said the big.boy, "but I
can wade to beat hell!"
Comes College--Girls!
Comes college comes problem. Iz girls, yas But what
college? Iz big problem.
COMES THE WAR; comes Con-
gress; comes the G.I. Bill; comes col-
lege; and comes college-Girls! But
comes college comes problems. What
college?-iz a big problem! Think?
I think like everything! First, I look
in books-no help. Then I ask-still
no help. With asking, comes more
problems. Friends I got! Gallop
would run from them. He could also
learn from them. First they question
me-what I'm taking? Answer-I
dunno-Question-what do you mean
you don't know? Answer-I dunno
-dot's all!
Days, weeks, months, suggestions,
questions, answers, no's, maybe's but
still a problem I got. What college?
Think? I think like everything! Then
-an idea! I will throw bagel at
spikes like in Brooklyn everybody iz
playing instead of horseshoes. At each
place on the map where a college iz
-there I will put a spike. This
will solve by me the problem-what
college?
So to Tim O'Shenko's bakery I'm
going. Tim iz an Irish Catlicker
who bakes the hardest bagel in Brook-
lyn. Six bagel I buy. Then-a map
and by Channah's hardware store-
I buy the spikes. All three-the bagel,
the map and the spikes-I have wrap-
ped in a neat bundella and to mine
home I go.
In the parlor, on the floor, I spread
out the map. Then-the spikes I
punch through the map, and with the
six bagel in mine right hand, I walk
to the kitchen. Then-I turn around
-and I throw. Where the first bagel
makes a ringer on a spike-there to
college I will go. I throw! The first
bagel-a leaner-no good. The second
bagel-a roller-also no good. The
third bagel-a ringer! Where?
Anxious? I'm anxious like everything!
Run? I run like everything! Look?
I look like everything! What college?
Why should I say it? Already you
know!
Happy? You betcha-no. What
college? What college-Mizzouri Uni-
versity, yet! Nu, a bet's a bet-so
mine bag I'm packing. Before I close
the bag, I check. Salomi? Yes.
Matzoes? Yes. Hallevah? Yes. Her-
ring? No. Herring, I forgot! Her-
ring? Yes. The bag I close. Mine
car I get. Mine moma I kiss. Mine
popa I kiss. We laugh. We cry. I'm
leaving. Goodbye!
I drive. On the way I'm thinking
--College! College! College!--Girls!
Mizzouri University-Girls! Stevies
College-Girls! And you should ex-
cuse the expression-Christian Col-
lege-also Girls! I drive.
Every place in Mizzouri, people iz
proud from their president. But-
in Mizzouri-I learn people ain't peo-
ple. They iz folks. In Mizzouri folks
iz proud from Truman's victory. Signs
.everywhere. Signs there. Signs here.
At last--Columbia! First thing I see
-a sign! Welcome to Columbia!
This I see in the street; on the side-
walk; by the parking meters. Signs!
Signs! Signs! At the Ice Cream Parlor
-a sign! At the Drug Store-a sign!
At the Acme Truss Company-a sign!
All say the same message-Welcome
to Columbia; We Support Truman!
I stop. Girls-I am here! By me
the problem-what college?-iz
solved!
(Continued on Next Page)
"Hey! Keep off that wench!"
Fredendall's
The DEN
THE BROWN DERBY
But-other problems still I got.
What courses? Think? I think like
everything! Ask? I ask like every-
thing! Talk? I talk to this dean and
that dean. In two places I find two
fast talking deans and before I look
around, in two schools I am enrolled
-Journalisma School and Farming.
What I'll be? A Hog-phooyeeeee-
riculture Journalist!-what else?!
At last- college! Courses I am
pursuing-also girls! Learn? I learn
like everything! Quick like a fox
I'm learning-where colleges there
are; roommates there are; where room-
mates there are; characters there are;
and where characters there are-my
luck!-with them I live.
Mine roommate likes girls. I like
girls. In college-girls ain't girls.
They iz coeds. Some coeds iz pretty;
some iz smart and some-you know
what I mean? Again! You are
saying, "so what?" Again I am say-
ing, so here's so what! Mine room-
mate likes girls. I like girls-so all
the time mine roommate iz fixing
me up with the girls. But-never does
he get me a pretty one or a smart
one. Always-Me-he gets the other
kind. You know what I mean? But
always I have faith!
One night he comes in says, "Boy!
Did I fix you up with a blind date!
A pip!"
"A pip, yet? Did you see her?"
I ask.
"Well-" he answers.
"Did YOU see her?" I ask.
"Well-" he answers.
"Did YOU SEE her?" I ask.
"Well-" he answers.
"DID YOU SEE HER??!!" I ask.
"No."
But-I go. I have faith.
H-hour iz set. All iz ready. To the
Ag barn where she works as head wet
nurse for the baby cows I go. I SEE
HER! One look and I am ready to
wrestle Glenn Cunningham (such a
word!) or Dick Ault or Don Farooo
over who should be faster-me or
him? Cunning-I could beat. Ault
would be close. Farooo-maybe. But
her I couldn't! Such a personality!
Such a charmer! Pigs iz better.
Pretty she iz like a Yak. Personality
like a duck-in cold water. But-
I have faith! Maybe-You know
what I mean? With her eyes she
makes like a windmill. With me she
makes like a rag. The mouth opens
-she talks!
"I ain't lyin'," she says, "I cain't
make it."
"Hollilooya!" I'm singing but-
she says more-
"You kin drive me home."
Faith? Phooyee! Me at such an
opportunity I should drive a car. What
could I do? Bigger than me she iz.
Mine hands iz tied so in mine car
we get.
Talk? She talks like everything!
Always she iz saying, "I ain't lyin'
this and I ain't lyin' that." The
floor iz covered with "I ain't lyin' "
-the windows iz dirty with "I ain't
lyin' "-the air iz filled with "I
ain't lyin' "-and me-I'm sick of
"I ain't lyin."
At last-her sorority house! I am
glad. I push her to the door. She
goes slow. I push harder. She does
not seem anxious. Im thinking-
maybe she will change her-you
should excuse the expression-mind.
I push HARDER!! At last-the
door! I feel-for the handle. My
luck!-the door iz LOCKED!!
Two more hours of "I ain't lyin'
this and I ain't lyin' that" she takes
out the key-says, "I ain't lyin' I'm
hongry," and goes in. Leave? I
LEAVE LIKE EVERYTHING!!
To mine room I'm going. And a
decision I'm making. Mine bag I
pack. Home a letter I write:
Popa, moma, aunt Minneriah and Hy-
mie,
Stop the checks! Girls? Phooyee!
Faith? Phooyee! Roommates? Phooyee!
College? Phooyee! Fire O'Rielly!
Home I'm coming. A clothing sales-
man I'll be-AND I AIN'T LYIN'!!
SAM KALMAN.
"Sorry, old man-I'm outa' ink."
Switzer's Licorice
The Blue Shop
Edgar's
Maytag
Neophytes' KEY to
MIDDLEBUSH
The Clark Kent-Green Hornet-
Captain Marvel-Bat Man of the
University of Missouri.
THE LIONS
Still suffering from laryngitis.
THE MEMORIAL TOWER
A home for wayward pigions
giving the correct Shanghai
time.
BEER BUST
One keg paid for by ten peo-
ple surrounded by a hundred
friends.
THE COLUMNS
Necessary to uphold tradition.
THE HINKSON
Five-hundred caves with hot
running beer and cold running
coeds.
STEPHENS COLLEGE
Where male students who
haven't received their G. I.
checks date.
THE TUNNEL
Deserted mineshaft located
underneath pedestrians at
Ninth and Lowry.
THE BOOKSTORE
A modern used-car lot dealing
in books.
the KAMPUS
B.M.O.C.
Carries more keys than a
janitor.
CHRISTIAN COLLEGE
Female monastery located
somewhere this side of Roche-
port.
RESTAURANTS
Embalming fluid disguised as
food.
POP QUIZ
Sudden death.
CUTTING
When you get sick and have
to have a beer immediately.
JESSE HALL
Not to be confused with Jesse
Wrench who has a beard.
PURPLE PASSION
Causes a hangover followed
by a three day drunk.
LAUNDRYMEN
They always get their man.
BLIND DATE
Anyone can hit water if they
spit in the ocean.
UPTOWN COFFEE SHOP
Chesterfield
Cigarettes
Swami's
Side-Slappers
No. 1 on the Wolf Hit Parade:
"I'll Be Seizing You In All the Old
Familiar Places."
In a kick it's distance, in a cigarette
it's taste, and in a rumble seat, it's
impossible.
* *
"Oh, please don't get up, Mrs.
Astor, I just came in to brush my
teeth."
An old gentleman and his wife,
who lived across the road from a
cemetery, were sitting on the front
porch one night.
Wife: "Pa, every time I look across
the street I keep thinking of our
dear daughter lying there in the ceme-
tery, and it makes me very sad."
Husband: "Yes, Ma, it makes me
sad, too. You know, Ma, sometimes
I even wish she was dead."
* * *
A young woman
Stepped out of bed
Slipped into her robe
Stepped into her slippers
Raised the shade
Uncovered the parrot
Put on the coffee pot
And answered the phone
A masculine voice said
"Hello, honey, just got a 24-hour
leave,
I'll be right up".
She hung up the phone
Took off the coffee pot
Covered the parrot
Pulled down the shade
Stepped out of her slippers
Slipped out of her robe
Crawled into bed and
Heard the parrot say . .
"Kree-ist, what a short day!"
Please mail entries to facilitate
judging:
Missouri Showme
Chesterfield Contest
304, Read Hall
Columbia, Mo.
Have you heard about the absent
minded nurse who made the patient
without disturbing the bed?
Women are like potatoes: When
they're big enough, they're old enough.
Two little boys were standing on a
corner. A little girl passed by.
Said one; Her neck's dirty.
Said the other: Her does?
If all the co-eds in the world who
didn't neck gathered in one room
what would we do with her?
* * *
Mother: "Sonny, don't use such bad
words."
Son: "Shakespeare used them."
Mother: "Well, don't play with
him."
A disturbed woman was watching
a little boy sitting on the curb smok-
ing one cigarette after another.
Finally, unable to bear it any longer,
she approached him and said, "Son,
why aren't you in school?"
The little boy answered disgustedly,
"Hell, lady, I'm only three years old."
A husband and wife were asleep.
About 3 a.m., the wife dreamed of
secretly meeting another man. Then
she dreamed she saw her husband com-
ing in. In her sleep she shrieked,
"Heavens, my husband."
Her husband, awakened by her
shriek, leaped out the window.
LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST
Submit your favorite joke and in
a carton of assorted Life Savers. En-
tries should be addressed to this
magazine.
JOKE CONTEST WINNER:
Evelyn Weinberg
Wood Hall, Stephens College
Columbia, Missouri
WINNING JOKE:
Three old men were discussing the
ideal way of dying. The first, aged
75, said he'd like to crash in a car
going 80-miles per hour. The second,
85, said he'd like to take his finish
in a plane going 400-miles per hour.
"I've got a better idea," said the
third, who was 95. "I'd like to be
shot by a jealous husband."
Neukomms
Life Savers
You. too,
Can Survive
This unparalleled account of a student's heroism
and bravery will leave you trembling with fear.
HAVE FUN now, freshman, be-
cause one of these days it will happen.
It's one of those sacred, inevitable
University requirements, like standing
in line for books or filling out an
I. D. card. It happened to me three
years ago, but I still break out in a
cold sweat whenever I think of it.
It all started in the Fall of '46 when
I began receiving official looking
post cards from the Student Clinic
informing me that I was to be com-
pletely physically examined. Naturally
I ignored the first half-dozen or so
expecting the whole thing to blow
over, but I hadn't taken into account
my postman.
He read all my mail and seemed to
be vitally concerned with my private
life. One day I knew the jig was
up when he met me at the door
waving another sinister warning from
the clinic in my face. He looked
worried.
"Go to the hospital, my son. Do
like they tell you," he said sternly.
"I don't want to go to the hos-
pital," I replied. "I hate hospitals.
Let go of my arm, you dirty snooper."
He thrust his beak into my right
eye, breathing heavily.
"Why? Come clean, now, is it
because you're afraid they'll find out
you have some terrible disease?"
I gave the card a mighty shove and
stuffed it halfway down his throat.
Then I snatched up his mail pouch
and slammed it over his face. He
stumbled out and down the stairway
head over heels. I locked my door
and brooded all night.
Next morning I received a phone
call. A desk nurse at the clinic was
on the other end of the line.
"Hello? Mr. Stuart Dent? Mr.
Dent, you have failed to report for
your required complete physical ex-
amination. Unless you report this
afternoon your grades will be held
up indefinitely. Beware."
I hung up and weighed the matter
carefully. The way my grades were
running, I reasoned, I didn't give a
damn how long they were held up.
On the other hand, a physical might
not be so bad if the nurse was good-
looking. So I flipped a coin, watched
a cockroach dart out of the wood-
work and gobble it up, and steeled
myself for the ordeal.
The instant I entered the clinic
door a man in a yellow-stained jacket
grabbed me by the shoulders and
seated me on a chair. He thrust a
black paddle over my left eye.
"Read them little black letters,"
he growled.
I looked around for an eye chart
but couldn't see a thing except two
desks, a nurse smoking a fag, and a
bare wall. Craftily, stalling for time,
I stammered, coughed, and fumbled
with my shoe laces.
The man grew impatient. He
switched the paddle to my right eye.
"Now do you see 'em?" he de-
manded.
All I could see was his meaty hand
holding the paddle. It was dirty.
Nervously, I called out a dozen
letters as rapidly as I could. He took
(Continued on Next Page)
"OK-YOU ask her!"
the paddle away, frowned, and jotted
down something on a pad.
The nurse smoking a fag came into
view once more. It was then I
noticed she wasn't actually smoking,
but had merely been gnawing on a
white Eversharp. She approached,
spitting out a wad of plastic.
"Your name is Stuart Dent and we
know your record," she said severely.
As she continued, her accomplice
rammed a needle into my arm and
drew out a few pints of blood. Then
he carefully spilled it on the floor
and came back for a refill.
When the nurse finished her mono-
log she wandered back to her desk,
evidently looking for another white
Eversharp.
Another nurse, who had been clever-
ly concealed behind a curtain, walked
over and squeezed my bleeding arm.
"Come with me," she said through
a mouthful of buck teeth and
pyorrhea.
I followed her behind the curtain.
She turned on me suddenly and spoke
again.
"Take off all your clothes."
(Continued on Next Page)
Dean's
Town & Country
Moon Valley Villa
"I'm startin' my loose living right
after supper."
"I suppose it has some hidden meaning. ?"
filched
"Somebody left the lid up, and I damn near drowned."
"You can't beat Camels for taste
-they're milder, too!"
30
We'll, that takes care of the Hearing Test!"
I blushed innocently and removed
my shirt, popping off a few buttons.
She stood there regarding my physique
with a cold stare.
I kicked off my loafers and toyed
with my belt buckle. She stood her
ground. I felt a stream of cold sweat
cascade down my back.
She sneered. "Well, what do you
want, applause?"
I grabbed a soiled sheet from a near-
by cot and threw it around me as I
finished disrobing. She left in a huff.
A doctor strolled in, picking his
nose. He waved me on the cot,
picked up a handful of medical tools,
and dropped them on my chest,
bruising some lung tissue.
He grabbed my head and slid a
tongue depressor down my throat. He
murmured to himself as the gadget
turned sideways and lodged over my
windpipe.
A nurse came in and ripped off the
sheet. Laying her smoldering cigaret
on my neck, she began to take my
blood pressure. At the same time
the doctor tapped my knee cap for
a reflex. He got it in the stomach.
As the nurse carried him out, I
jumped into my clothes, looking
frantically for an exit. A small nurse
in horn-rims appeared and ushered me
over to her desk and typewriter.
She inserted a blank form and said,
"Ever had chicken pox, scarlet fever,
common cold, bubonic plague,
measles, appendicitis, broken bones,
gallstones, hangnail, tuberculosis?"
I answered 'yes' to the third ail-
ment, but she was down to gall-
stones before she heard me. She
X'ed it and went on.
The room seemed to sway and I
caught hold of my chair to keep
from falling off. Finally she stopped
clacking the typewriter, jerked out the
paper, and had me sign it.
I reeled to the door and out into
the evening air. The campus looked
friendly and peaceful. A few peo-
ple stared as I knelt suddenly and
planted a kiss on the Quadrangle. I
had had it.
And, dear freshman, it will happen
to you. But be brave like me . . .
and you, too, can survive.
STU DENT.
White House
BENGAL SHOP
Donr-Cloney
Room 666 Jesse
Looking for a snap course? This story will change your mind.
THERE IT was, the last course
under the heading of English in the
Schedule of Courses. Latest Trends
in Fiction, it said. 3 hours, 7:30,
MWF, Jesse 666. I only needed three
more hours to fill out my program to
a round sixteen, and it sounded like a
snap course. Besides, I was in a
hurry to finish registering, so I wrote
out the course and took it back to the
old man in overalls and a corn cob
pipe who was checking the program
sheets.
I handed him my sheet, and as he
started tracing out the words with
the bit of his pipe, I asked, "Hey,
is that course in the Latest Trends
in Fiction any good?"
Laying his pipe down, he looked
up at me with a slow smile. "Don't
rightly know, son," he answered. "But
if you're ponderin', why don't you
take a real good course? Got a dandy
over to the Ag School-Animal
Breedin'. Teach it myself, as a matter
of fact."
"Thanks, but I can't use it," I
said.
He pouted. "It's three hours."
"Can't use it."
"Good pictures of breedin'!"
"Yes, but . .
"Real photographs!"
"Really, I can't. .
"Getcha an Ag paddle!"
"No, thanks."
He knocked the ashes out of his
pipe, scattering them in neat piles
along my shoelaces, and signed my
program, sulkily.
Next Monday I got up early, be-
cause I wasn't too sure of the loca-
tion of Jesse 666. I figured it must
be past the fourth floor somewhere,
so I started up the long stairs. I
got up to the third floor, and it began
to get darker on the stairs. It got
darker and colder. The gloomy stairs
seemed endless. I climbed onward,
until I met a janitor groping his way
down with a mop and bucket of
water.
I stopped him. "Can you tell me
where Room 666 is?" I said.
"No," he came back, "I can't. But
I'll tell you what I can do. I can
do an imitation of Middlebush that
won't quit." He came closer and
lowered his voice. "I've seen him,
you know," he whispered. Then he
giggled and banged on down the
steps.
I kept going. I figured that I must
be somewhere up in the big dome,
when a door suddenly opened next to
me, and a squeaky voice said, "Come
in, son."
I walked cautiously through the
door and then paused, trying to ad-
just my eyes to the dimness. It was
a tiny room with a few chairs and
one desk. A small person-he looked
to be about thirteen-stood at one
side of the room, near an open win-
dow, fingering a key-chain from
which were suspended numerous
scholastic keys. He wore a lemon
corduroy jacket, with a plum neck-
scarf, and lime trousers. His shoes
were a little disappointing-they were
the color of leather. He glanced to-
ward me.
"Good morning, my student," he
said.
"Hey,"I groaned, "ain't you a little
young to be teaching English?"
He coughed nervously against the
back of his hand, and his small face
got red, his big eyes narrowed.
"Must I suffer these slings, these
arrows, these arms, these seas of
troubles . . ." he blazed.
"Okay, okay." I sat down in a
chair. "You convinced me."
But he wouldn't let it go at that.
(Continued on Next Page)
"I don't care if she does read French, you know the
rules . . . positively no pets allowed!"
32
"So you don't think I know the
modern trends!" he screamed. He
strode to the desk, opened a drawer,
took out a stack of cards and flung
them at me. I thumbed through
them. They were membership cards
for book clubs. He belonged to all
the book clubs that were ever formed,
I think. He had cards from The-
Book-of-The-Minute Club, The Faint-
est Smidge of Raw Sex Club, The
Thousand-Pager Club, The New Look
Cook-Book Club, The WhoDidn'tDo
It Mystery Club, The Two-by-Four-
hell, he had hundreds of them.
"You win," I gasped. He smiled,
gravely, and strode to the window.
He coughed again, and tried to pull
it down. He began to cough horribly
so I went over and closed the window
for him. His face was a ghastly blue.
He turned to face me, and his teeth
were chattering.
"You must be really cold," I said.
He nodded. "Yes, I have great
sensitivity to the smallest temperature
change."
"Like a baby, huh?"
He sighed. "That's right. Before
my mother even gives me a kiss she
has to test it on her wrist."
(Continued on Next Page)
Golly. I've got to find that new Woolf Brothers
coat before those M.U. men see me!
ERNIE'S
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34
I looked away, trying to recall
whether the door was in back of me or
to my left.
"Oh well," he grinned, "I suppose
we should get started with the lec-
ture." He walked to the front of
the narrow room, took out a sheaf of
notes, and began: "There is a def-
inite, decided, obvious trend away
from the old, the antiquated, the out-
moded poets. Some of those old boys
-gracious, they were so . so poetic!
It's a good thing the moderns have
awakened to new ways of expressing
themselves which completely ignore
the poetic standards of the past.
"Take this latest work of Elegy
Ritten Churchyard, the well-known
El Paso poet. It is called "Softly
The Lily Hugs A Camera," and it
goes like this:
Briskly the sun falls,
Stiff is the river
Scratching chalk marks
On my liver."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute,"
I said. "I signed up for Latest Trends
in Modern Fiction, and you're giving
me poetry."
He stopped, staring at me. "That's
so, isn't it?" he admitted. "Well,
I'm sure I have my notes for the
Fiction course here somewhere."
After pulling the drawer all the
way out and looking through it
feverishly, he shook his head. I edged
toward the door.
"Don't go away," he called.
"They're here, I know." Then he
got down on his hands and knees to
look under the desk. I moved again,
getting closer to the door. "They've
got to be here," he assured me. Now
he was feeling along the window
ledges, and trying to reach into the
chandeliers.
"I'd better go," I quavered.
"Oh, no!" he shouted, prying up
strips of the flooring with one of
his shoes. "Stick around, if I don't
find them, Ill show you my imitation
of Middlebush." There was a pause.
"I've seen him, you know."
Now his head and shoulders were
wedged down into the hole he had
made in the floor. I took one last
look just as his legs and feet wiggled
through and disappeared. I could
hear his voice, muffled and still talk-
ing under the floor, as I ran out of the
room and fled down the stairs.
CHARLES TYNER.
GUYS
Oh, sure, we have girls
With slinky shapes;
And some cover girls
With sexy drapes.
But the trouble is,
As you can see,
The other kind's
The majority.
G. T. S.
GIRLS:
The ratio, girls,
Is really sky-high;
Just one of you girls
for every third guy.
Don't give it a thought
If you get a smoe;
You still have another
Two guys to go.
G. T. S.
Said Jesse Wrench to Thelma Mills,
"Early hours cure all ills."
Said Thelma Mills to Jesse Wrench,
"Thirst was made for beer to quench."
Something's wrong, your're think-
ing . . .
You're right; they'd both been drink-
ing.
COLEMAN YOUNGER.
Lafter
Thoughts
I HAVE RETURNED
Back to the things I hold dear,
Back to draft and bottled beer;
Back to blankets on the Hink,
Back to laundry in the sink;
Back to sex and nasty jokes,
Back to small, expensive cokes;
Back to dancing close embraces,
Back to necking. in public places;
Back to sweaters padded in front,
Back to Read's 'empty booth' hunt;
Back to lions that never roar,
Back to roommates that always snore;
Back to all the Stephens queens,
Back to T-shirts and old blue jeans;
Back to Tripod and Jesse Wrench,
Back to carving on a Shack bench;
Back to hangovers that never pass,
Back to wasting my time in class.
G. T. S.
* *
I'M IN THE PINK!
A little wink,
At a girl in mink;
A date at the Hink,
SHACKSPEARE.
Aw gimmie a kiss it's our third date.
Aw gimmie a kiss; it ain't too late.
Aw gimme a kiss; who's gonna see?
Aw gimmie a kiss; don't you like me?
Oh.
G. T. S.
"That's the last time I date a business major. They
always want a return on their investment."
Stein Club
Jimmie's
donn's
corner
IF YOU'RE new in Columbia and
have staggered through the registra-
tion lines, the book lines, and the
zillion other lines around the campus,
chances are that by now you're pretty
hungry. If that is the case, .read
on for the purpose of this article is
to tell you just where you can find
a good meal in this city . . .
Well, now that that is fully dis-
cussed, we'll take up just how you
can secure a filling meal in Columbia
for the least money. For purposes
of illustration, let's pretend that you
are ready to start a typical day as a
typical Missouri student.
Breakfast: To avoid the breakfast
crowds, we suggest you leave your
house at an early hour-about three
in the morning is the best time to eat
if you want privacy and few delays
in service. This morning you decide
to eat at a sumptous dining place
near the campus. You seat yourself
at the counter, knowing that to sit
in a booth might mean tripping over
a shuffleboard table as you beat a
hasty exit in a few minutes. After
a short wait of forty-two minutes,
a napkin and glass of water are placed
before you. Being a typical college
student, you eat the napkin (which
tastes much better than the food) and
wash it down with the glass of water.
Now that you've eaten your break-
fast, you beat the above-mentioned
hasty exit, snatching a handful of
toothpicks from the cashier's desk as
you go out. You get a delightful
breakfast repast absolutely free!
During the moring, you munch on
the toothpicks and find that a good
white pine splinter tastes every bit as
good as a piece of Black Jack chewing
gum. About twelve o'clock, you be-
gin to get hungry again and set out
for your lunch.
Lunch: One of the best places to
obtain your lunch is the Read Hall
cafeteria. Of course, to be seen in
Read Hall stamps you immediately
as either a Freshman or a Neurotic,
but the meals are economical there.
In the basement, you find a huge
red machine with the strang inscrip-
tion, "Coca-Cola," emblazoned across
the front. For one nickel-one nickel,
mind you,-you obtain a delicious six
ounces of lunch. Before you leave
for your afternoon classes, don't for-
get to steal another napkin from a
holder. This one is for stuffing in
your ears so you can't hear the pro-
tests of your stomach all afternoon.
Supper: If you are not one of the
unfortunate customers of a boarding
house dining room, you will get to
take your final meal of the day at a
glamorous Columbia dining room. A
blank check permits you to eat at
one of the more elegant places easily
identified by the words, "Coffeeee
Shoppee," after the owner's name, but
if expense is a prime concern, you
will have to be satisfied with the
swank atmosphere of a cafeteria. You
follow identical routines in each of
these places, however. Calmly, you
walk in and seat yourself; quietly, you
order freely from the menu; and while
your order is being prepared, you
glance casually around at the other
diners' meals. Within five minutes,
you feel a swelling in your throat and
a nausea within your stomach. In
another few minutes, your appetite
is entirely gone and you leave the
restaurant. You are hungry no longer
and you haven't spent a dime!
The sight of the other meals may
have sickened you too much and you
may not be able to eat any of the
cookies and pretzels from home when
you get back to your room, but you
go to bed happy, knowing that to-
morrow you'll get to eat more. de-
licious Columbia meals.
DONN.
KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP
The Anchor Club
Girl of the Month...
PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES'
SUSAN REGAN
Junior in Journalism and Arts and Science . Kappa Epsilon Alpha (freshman
honorary) . . . Sophomore Council . . . Associated Women Student Council
. . . House Council, 1948 . . . Freshman Dorm President, .1948 . . . Campus
Publications Association . . . Classes Editor, 1948 Savitar . . . Assistant Editor,
1950 Savitar . . . Freshman Orientation Board . . Meet Missouri Night Chair-
man, 1948 . . Careers Conference Board . . Varsity Swimming Team . .
Swim Club . . . Women's Athletic Association . . . Student Director, Read Hall
Art Center. Delta Delta Delta . . . 20 . . . Davis, Calif.
38
Boy of the Month...
PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES'
BOB CLAVENNA
Junior in Journalism . . Vice-President of Student Government Association
. . . Mystical Seven . . Independent Men's Association Publicity Director . . .
I. M. A. Steering Committee . Director of the Department of Student Adminis-
tration, S. G. A. . . S. G. A. Homecoming Committee . . . University
Committee on Assembly Lectures . . University Committee on Schedule of
Studies and Examinations . Y. M. C. A. 23 . St. Louis.
39
How to Ride
A Taxi
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . . . Taximan!
CHARLIES
H.R. Mueller
Florist
NO DOUBT you neophytes, starry-
eyed and innocent, have wondered
about those multi-colored streaks that
you have seen flying low through the
streets of Columbia. You needn't
wonder any more. They aren't air-
planes, and they aren't V-bombs,
they're only cars. But there's one
thing that takes these cars out of the
ordinary class-a creature behind the
wheel known as the "Columbia Taxi
'Driver".
After watching a few of these
vehicles whip around the streets at
breakneck speed, taking turns on two
wheels, you no doubt think that the
drivers are all brothers to Wilbur
Shaw, Mauri Rose, or some other
racing great. Well, don't believe it.
(So what if they do wear crash
helmets?)
After watching these vehicles break
speed laws, make U-turns where they
shouldn't, and after paying them a
dastardly fee, you no doubt think that
these drivers are escaped convicts.
Well, don't believe it. (So what if
they do carry a shoulder holster?)
After listening to these boys lean
on their horns in the still and wee
hours of the A.M., you no doubt
think they are a bunch of drunken
bums trying to make enough noise
to celebrate the Fourth of July and
New Year's Eve jointly. Well, don't
believe it. (It's just that their bat-
"Don't be fooled by the continental air. I happen to
know he spent the summer in Joplin."
teries are overcharged because they
never use their lights.)
No, these men certainly aren't all
the foul things you have been think-
ing they are. They are simply good,
honest, home-loving men, with only
one purpose in life-to maim stu-
dents!
As hard boiled and cruel as they
may sound, as horrible and vicious
as they may be, you have to pity the
poor fellows. After all, they are
human (though a rare and primitive
form of life.) Being human they
have problems just like the rest of us.
Without a doubt their two biggest
problems are:
1. Lack of passengers.
2. Passengers.
We shall begin with the first prob-
lem-to simplify matters: The lack
of passengers;
To help you grasp this situation,
which normally can only be done by
students of Economics and people
with dry hands, I shall refer you back
to a statement which I made a short
while ago. I said that taxi drivers are
humans. (We realize how easy it is
to forget that fact).
Proceeding from this hypothosis -we
naturally reach the conclusion that if
they are human, they must eat. To
eat, one needs food. To get food,
one needs money. (Are you follow-
ing us?) To get money, a taxi driver
needs passengers. You can see why
passengers are a life and death matter
to drivers-and to passengers, too.
As it stands now, what with compe-
tition from convertibles, times are so
hard that some hackies are known to
work anywhere from 2 to 3 hours.
straight in order to scrape up enough
to keep body and soul in one piece.
Next time you see one of them cat-
napping while buzzing down Ninth
Street at 60 m.p.h., you'll know why
he's tired.
Now for the second of the prob-
lems: passengers:
Cab drivers will admit that passeng-
ers are very trying people, (trying to
keep from being gyped), and so, in
order to make a drive's life easier and
to make them love you, we present for
your inspection a list of hints de-
signed toward making you the perfect
passenger.
If you must ride a cab, don't take
(Continued on Next Page)
Frozen Gold
Ice Cream
Garland's
DON L. SMALL'S
General Electric Appliance Store
BUSSINGER
Music Store
ERNIE'S STEAK
HOUSE
a short trip. Take a nice trip to
the country. Go for a long, long
trip. This will make you popular
with the driver because he gets 35%
of the loot and nothing makes a
Columbian happier than money.
And these cabbies are in a bad way.
They have no union. Once, a couple
of years ago, a liberal minded student
from Brooklyn (a Dos Passos reader)
decided that the poor fellows were
being oppressed and trampled on and
needed to be organized into a some-
thing or other. He tried to rally
them behind the slogan, "Cab Drivers
Arise-You Have Nothing to Lose
But Your Fenders". But it didn't
work. The movement was quickly
suppressed by Mr. Yellow, owner of
Yellow Cab Co., and Mr. Veteran,
owner of Veteran's Cab Co.
The drivers also think it would be
nice if the passengers would keep their
eyes open during the trip. As it stands
now, the cabbies have to drive with
one eye on the rear-view mirror look-
ing for cops. If the rider would take
care of that need, the driver could
devote both eyes to running down old
ladies and men in wheel-chairs.
Now, for the very small majority
of readers who get drunk now and
then, the only thing that we can say
is behave, and preferably go to sleep
on the floor. Cab drivers have been
known to drop off disorderly drunks
any damn place-Stephens, even. So
take warning; but we suppose some of
you always wanted to see Rocheport.
In conclusion we want you to re-
member one final rule: When getting
in or out of a cab always tip-toe
quietly and never, never slam the
door. You might wake the driver.
After all, they do work three hours
a day . . . straight, sometimes.
LUCKY LITNER.
KORN KRIB
the
CAMPUS CLUB
Jerrymandering
with Jerry Smith
I MUST SAY, it is certainly nice
to be back at school where other
people are poor, too.
Everyone esems to be happy about
being back at school. All of the
hangouts are filled. There is a line
at the Central Dairy waiting for the
Suzans to return so they can have
an ice cream.
KFRU is still on the air. Lungs
Khafru, the announcer, tells me that
they have added three new horror
programs. I guess this is O.K., but I
figure Stephens had enough programs
last year.
There are still lots of record pro-
grams, which means that everyone
will have to listen to the records that
they got sick of this summer. Nasal
Vowels, the disc-jockey, says he is
almost fired for playing a record that
is out three months. The record has
been stored away until December.
I fail to run into any of my friends
this summer, so I have to rush around
seeing all of them so that they can
give me stuff for this column. The
first person I run into is Legal Graft,
the B.P.A. student. Legal tells me
that the big business slump during the
summer is caused by none other than
H. Truman himself. It seems that
the whole thing starts when this
person refuses to allow photographers
to take a picture of him in a swim-
ming suit. This causes the pho-
tographer to lose the money that he
would have made from the picture,
and he is forced to purchase less
glasses of foam. The brewery is then
forced to lay off a worker. This
worker cannot buy the car he is try-
ing to buy, and the automobile in-
dustry lays off two workers who can't
buy rocking chairs for their big fat
wives to sit in. This continues until
the whole thing builds up to the
point where millions are out of work
and H.G.B. is smirking.
I drop into the Shack and who do
I find pushing splinters under his
thumb-nail but But Wyser, the psych
major. I force Bud to return the
splinters so I will have a table to put
my beer on. Bud is very happy be-
cause, he says, more people are going
crazy than ever before. Bud kept
himself busy during the summer
figuring out some important data,
and he has developed a theory that
should make everyone happy. It seems
that the birth rate is higher than the
death rate, which means that a person
has more chance of being born than
dying. So, we're all crazy.
Lefty Waynger, the radical, pops
in and Bud asks him when Paul Robe-
son ceased his singing career to be-
come a comedian. This makes Lefty
very angry and he says that Robeson
is a fine man and truly does love
the Russians. This is proved by the
fact that he remains in the U.S. and
forces us to put up with him. Besides,
Lefty tells us, Robeson has been
angry ever since he heard Sinatra sing
'Old Man River'. Lefty spends the
summer selling Wallace Buttons to
outgoing Red agents. He says the
government almost ruins his income
by putting so many of them in jail.
Hot Lips Spiozza, who is in the
next booth drinking two beers to her
date's one, tells me that she was
abroad this summer. Which shows
that she hasn't changed a bit.
Anemic Corpuscles, the Blue Cam-
pus resident, informs me that he can-
not understand why everyone is com-
plaining about how difficult it is to
get jobs this summer. He says there
is a man in the employment office
(Continued on Next Page)
BARTH CLOTHING
COMPANY, INC.
The New Dixie
who is willing to hire everyone who
comes in. This person wore a band
on his arm that said 'Recruiting' and
a smirk on his face that said, "We'll
get you one way or the other."
.Anemic made $20 an hour this sum-
mer-one hour a week.
Foggy Daze, the frosh, says that he
has a good idea for making money,
until he learns that the smaller an
animal is, the more it eats in propor-
tion to the size of its body. In other
words, an elephant eats a small per-
centage of its weight, while a shrew
eats many times more.
Foggy figures that furriers would
pay a good price for cat fur. He
figures that if he gets a bunch of cats
and a bunch of rats, he could skin a
cat, sell the skin, and feed the cat's
body to the rats. Then the rats could
be used to feed to the other cats and
so forth. Only, since the rat is
smaller than the cat, the rat must
eat more than the cat, and therefore
in order to keep enough rats to feed
the cats, he would have to kill too
many cats to feed the rats, and
couldn't keep enough rats to feed the
cats, which wouldn't last anyway.
He is despondent, to say the least.
Cornfed Sylow, the Ag student,
spends the summer trying to develop
a wooden leg for grasshoppers so that
they could kick the bumps off cu-
cumbers and make smooth pickles.
Cornfed says the crops are a failure
this year, but he makes hundreds from
subsidies.
Einstein Freud, the little guy with
the big brain, tells me that the phrase,
S.O.B., is reaching a new heighth of
popularity. He says that now it is
the fashionable thing in high circles
to call your friends S.O.B.'s. Einstein
says this phrase will be in all the
new dictionaries. It will be defined
as: A word used in whispers by men,
mentally by women, in alleys by small
boys, and in general by politicians. He
says there is an exclusive club in
Washington called 'The Friendly
S.O.B.'s'. A person may enter this
club only if he is called an S.O.B.
by a well-known person. This is why
everyone is trying to make Truman
angry. He'll never pass his bills until
every Congressman is an S.O.B.
Bow Tie Bob, the biggest B.M.O.C.
on the campus, spent the summer sell-
ing stock in the Sucker . . . I mean
Tucker Auto Corp. This outfit pro-
duces million-dollar automobiles in
which the front is in the rear, the
shaft is in the stockholder and the
wheels live in mansions.
Of course, the very mention of
work nauseates Bow Tie so he speaks
of his favorite topic . . . cars. Bow
Tie says that he almost buys a Crosley
this summer. This is their super-
battlewagon model . . . two bean cans
and a mixmaster mounted on a roller
skate. However, he discards this idea
when he learns of a new pledge who
has a Packard convertible. Bow Tie
lets him use it once a week-and the
pledge appreciates it.
Nosey Eversharp, the J-school stu-
dent, tells me that while reading a
book this summer he discovers a good
sign for entrances to all Columbia
streets:
This Street Impassible;
Not Even Jackassible.
THE END
"Because of your shirking atti-
tude toward pledge duties, Fris-
bie, I've been assigned to take
you down a peg or two."
KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER
Breisch's
Restaurant
COLUMBIA OPTICIANS
Tiger Laundry and Dry Cleaning
RANCH HOUSE
Swami's
Side-Slappers
"Pardon me, Mrs. Astor, but that
never would have happened if you
hadn't stepped between me and the
spittoon."
The husband that knows where his
wife keeps her nickles has nothing on
the husband who knows where the
maid keeps her quarters.
In the old days, when a fellow
told a girl a naughty story, she
blushed. Nowadays she tells him
a new version.
Little Boy: "Teacher, may I leave
the room?"
Teacher: "No, Henry, you stay
right here and fill the ink wells."
"Well, how was the burlesque
dance?"
"Abdominal."
Professor to class: "There's a young
man in this class making a jackass
out of himself. When he's finished,
I'll start."
"This dress is a little too long for
me, have you anything shorter?"
"You might try the collar depart-
ment."
An elderly lady driving along non-
chalantly, turned a corner and ran
over a poor inebriate crossing the
street. Without a change of emo-
tion, she stopped the car and rolled
down the window and called, "You
had better watch out there, young
man."
Rising on one elbow, the drunk
yelled, "Ye Gods' lady, don't tell me
you're going to back up."
Don't you ever read anything but
the jokes?
ODE TO A HINK PARTY
Hey, the beer is fine, come on in!
We just added a dash df gin.
Here's a pint, for your gal a quart
Soon as it's dark, the party'll start.
G. T. S.
She was only a street car con-
ductor's daughter, and all the boys
wanted to go too far for five cents.
Engineers were anxious
To give it a test.
This jet would bring them
Great renowned,
If it exceeded
The speed of sound.
The model was ready,
And it was a bear,
It looked as if
It could really scoot.
A disaster .occured,
And the plans were stalled;
The engineers
Just sat and bawled.
A wind tunnel couldn't be found
With sufficient power . . .
But then they discovered
The Memorial Tower.
SHACKSPEARE.
"I hear this quiz is gonna be a bitch!"
Lafter
Thoughts
I fell in love with a girl named
Charlotte,
Despite the fact that she was a
harlot.
Perhaps intrigued by her fair
name,
I forgot her home was of ill fame.
Yet I can look at life with glee;
What hundreds paid for, I got
free.
IN THE SHOWER
Judge quite well and closely compare:
I sing much better than guys on the
air.
Closely compare and judge quite well:
I make the same money-hah! Like
Hell!
DONN.
Hickory dickory dock,
Two couple went for a walk.
One talked of the weather,
The other did better.
Hickory dickory dock.
SHACKSPEARE.
There once was a man named Bunch,
Who took out a girl on a hunch.
He bought her a glass,
And then made a pass;
She threw him ten fee with a crunch.
G. T. S.
"Whatcha' thinkin' about, honey?"
47
Missouri Showme
Contributors' Page
Beech-Nut
Gum
Jerry Smith
PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO
Tall, goodlooking . . but bash-
ful . . . Associate Editor Jerry Smith
began contributing to Showme as a
freshman in April, 1948.
It took us another semester to even
meet the boy!
But, like the head on a beer, Jerry
blossomed out and became one of
Showme's vital cogs . . . admirably
filling Bob Rowe's shoes, contributing
humorous stories, poems, and gag
ideas. (His best work to date appears
on page 15).
Jerry was born (23 years ago in St.
Louis) with printer's ink in his blood,
for his father is a newspaper man.
A journalism major, he someday hopes
to sit on his backside and turn out
scores of stories for which he will re-
ceive juicy checks. He currently is
working on his first novel.
Co-eds desiring to meet this hand-
some lad can find him under a desk
in our office . . . 2 to 4 daily.
Keith Hershey
One day last Spring, a long pair
of legs topped by a thick cloud of
smoke wandered into our office. The
smoke, we found, came from a cigar,
and the legs belonged to Keith Her-
shey. Keith joined our ad staff and
proceeded to astonish staff members
and merchants alike with his super-
salesmanship.
With an A. B. in Economics, Keith
began work on a B. J. in Advertis-
ing this summer; plus aiding our ad
director in lining up Fall accounts.
The 6' 4" Kappa Alpha from Kan-
sas City has one ambition: "To get
out and start living in a manner to
which I'm not accustomed."
Carolyn Lipshy
Texas, we thought, are supposed to
be tall; but our diminutive business
secretary, Carolyn Lipshy, makes us
kind of doubt the fact.
The little sophomore from Lub-
bock joined Showme early last year
and proved to be one of the most
energetic gals on the staff.
Carolyn claims she came to Mis-
souri because she 'wanted to go to a
big university away from Texas . . .
but not to far away.' She thinks
Spanish will be her major, but likes
dramatics and creative writing to
boot.
Not only does Carolyn slave for
Showme, but she is active in Mis-
souri Workshop, a member of Sopho-
more Council, Kappa Epsilon Alpha,
and Alpha Epsilon Phi . . . and is one
of the nicest persons we know.
PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO
Boyd's
Chesterfield
Cigarettes