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Missouri Showme January, 1950; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1950

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Missouri Showme In this issue: Missouri Stewdent January 1950 25 cents Bitter Issue Camel Cigarettes UGHI (See Page 6) The Missouri Stewdent VOL. YMCA, NO. 69 Columbia, Missouri, Today, Foramber 69, 9669 Price: Too Much TODAY IS WEDNESDAY War Mongers Full of Birdshot (This is number 47 in a series of 3 articles by Dank Jordelbax, the editor's brother in law). A few weeks ago was four and a half years since Germany surrendered to end World War II-or was it I? Or was it five and a half years ago or a few months ago? It was Ger- many-or was it Japan? Aren't we mad at Russia? It must have been Berlin. Oh, well, no account. And it seems that the whole thing is one big mess because of all these conferences and parlays and pacts and pop-quizzes. Which brings up the London Big Four Conference of December, 1947, or was it '46? Well, anyway the war ended in 1919-or was it '18? A Point So things got all fixed up in Israel, which means that things were pretty well fixed up. And that's a point you don't want to miss. As Winston Churchill said, "Fight." Or was that Jack Demp- sey? But he surrendered a long time ago. Which brings us down to the Atlantic Pact. A pretty big pact, too, if you've had the opportunity to cross the Atlantic which most of our boys did and we don't want to let it happen again and I just don't thing it will. A Big One You'll have to admit that a lot of people signed the Atlantic Pact, a small army even. But what we need is a big Army, or is it a big Navy? The Air Force is really going places, say. But it's costing us money. Money, I say, and there's your trouble. Too much money and not enough people with it Wall Street should keep that in mind. And what about China? We just can't forget good old China. It's been around a long time and it's bigger than both of us. We could have taken care of them in the Atlantic Pact, but it's. hardly our fault if they're in the Pacific Don't let them drown, I say. Res- cue them from the cold waters of the Pacific, or is it the China Sea? Surely they wouldn't drown in, the China Sea that would be altruism, or is it Shintoism? Anyway, if they drown in the Pacific it would be pacifism, and we can't let that happen. As some one once said, "Fight." Or was that at the Walcott-Charles fight? Dewey or Don't We And there's Spain, too. Here we are with everyone studying Span- ish and what do we do about poor Spain-or do we like Spain? I don't think we're supposed to. But that was years ago and Dewey took care of that. But Truman beat Dewey. Truman certainly doesn't sound Spanish. Down with the Spaniard Truman, long live the Alamo, or was it Bunker Hill? Tarawa, maybe? People in China have funny names, like Mao Tze-tung. Which brings us to Russia. Now, there's your problem. Who do they think they are? They're nothing but Russians, I'll tell the world. Take Moscow, for instance, he's just as (Continued on Page Four) Graduates Without File Aid Being congratulated by an obscure third assistant in- structor is Quinbias U. Stonewall, the first student to graduate from the University without the aid of house les, a buddy grader or appl polishing. Quinbias began his freshman year in February 1893 when he was only 43 he was also honest in high school). Gazing down on the pair from the back ground is Quinbias' son, Quinbias U. Stonewall, Jr., who died in 1936 of old age. Thesbians Regain Jesse Auditorium University Officials announced yesterday that the Missouri Work- shop could take possession of re- conditioned Jesse Auditorium at last. A playless semester was prevented when Elmer Bloodlow, theatrical technician, hit upon the idea of removing all wood and other inflammable materials from the auditorium to prevent infernal combustion. After the seats were taken out and the stage dismantled, Profes- sor Darnifimnot Rhinesbagger looked around the bare room and said, "Ooooh, goody!" First scheduled workshop pro- duction is a stage dramatization of a famous motion picture Sym- bolically enough, it's Gone With the Wind. Tryouts will be some- time next March, although the cast has already been chosen by Rhin- esbagger Because of is red hair, John Canwell will play Scarlet O'Hara. The part of Rhett Butler has not been cast yet, but Audry- up Shnapps has been rehearsing, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," for weeks. Eighty-four other productions are planned for the semeester, in- cluding "Born Yesterday," "South Specific," "King Leer," and "Nico- tine Sidewalk." The entire student body will be warned before Jesse Hall is blown up. Otherwise, innocent people may not be when the thing gets out of hand and the fire depart- ment is mad. Bathtub Gin Expert Quits Mizzou Job In a late bulletin from our for- eign correspondent on White Cam- pus, we learned that Joe Schloo- omff, second janitor of T-9 and known to all for his good-natured, sparkling bathtub gin, would re- tire from active service as soon as he removes the chewing gum from the banister rail. This shocking revelation will no doubt bring to mind the happy classroom hours when Joe's size sixteens could be heard battering the floor of the room upstairs and the riotous words that Joe scrawl- ed with shaking hand on the bath- room wall. Joe was ninety-two just a week ago. He attributes his retirement at such a young age to the fact that he failed to remove a set of teeth marks from a lower step (made when a near-sighted instruc- tor tripped over the scrub bucket on the way down). None of us will forget Joe for his prowess with the mop and his unfailing devotion to the STEW- DENT. When Joe cleaned up the trash around T-9, he never failed to place the STEWDENT at the top of the pile. The STEWDENT news brought to you by courtesy of the KAN- SAS CITY STAR. Harry Hartram Is Day-Sparrow With a tremendous turnout from the Kappa Pesi Cola fraternity house-his own fraternity-hand- some Harry Hartram, talented sweet-potato player around cam- pus, was elected Day-Sparrow at last night's Flirt Fling. Hartram won the honor over Jack Carson and Dennis Morgan, who served as his attendants dur- ing the coronation ceremony. The victor wore a baby-blue, pleated short-jacket, with an or- chid shirt set off by brilliant fus- chia cuffs. His tie was of em- broidered silk in that new "Cold- look" color, passionate purple. Hartram won by the close mar- gin of 4,987,045,326 1/2 votes. He was presented with a gift carton of bird seed, which left him whistling -with amazement. President Hard at Work The president works hard. He is always busy at the exe- cutive duties of the school. The president has a very firm picture policy. He was so busy he didn't see us take this one. The president is a busy man. Stunning News Verified By Ancient Barber Shop Calendar In a special proclamation issued today by the office of the Presi- dent of the University of Missouri, it was revealed that today is Wed- nesday. This announcement, which is one of the most far reaching and broadest policy statements ever, issued by the University, was re- leased to the press at 2:45 p. m. after a three-hour conference be- tween President Middlebush and the University Board of Curators. President Middlebush's hand trembled as he handed the simply- worded statement to the members of the press corps. The proclama- tion read: To the Students of the Univer- sity of Missouri; Today is Wednesday! (signed) Frederick A. Middlebush. When asked by a reporter if this meant that tomorrow would be Thursday, the President paused and then answered in a firm voice, "No comment." A member of the Board of Cur- ators told the reporters that the action had been forced upon the administration through the pres- sure of certain strong alumni groups in St. Louis, Kansas City, and Rocheport. Students Riot The meeting and subsequent ac- tion of the administration was no doubt also precipitated by the wild scenes of confusion, panic, and riot that occurred yesterday when confused mobs of students roamed over the campus demanding to know what day of the week it was. J. Winston "Honest Abe Lin- coln" Martin, president of the Stu- pid Government Association, laud- ed the University's action in a statement which said, "I wish to congratulate the University for having the courage to take such a definite and firm stand on such a controversial and vital issue. Nev- er before in the history of sane men has such a breathtaking stand been taken by any group of men. Martin Speaks "It was a courageous things to do," the statement continued. "A thing like this is likely to ruin the political and personal careers of many men; but with only the in- terests of the student body at heart, these men went ahead and told the truth, no matter how shocking it may be to narrow- minded people of this country. "I wish to congatulate them again, and I also want to say that I agree with them one hundred per cent. Today is Wednesday," Mar- tin concluded. Stern Measures The office of the President also announced that stern measures would be taken to discipline cer- tain irresponsible students who went around and organized rebel- lious crowds with shouts of, "To Hell with the University. Today is Tuesday." The only comment Don Faurot had to make was, "Thank God they didn't tell us that today was Sat- urday. The football team isn't ready for another game." Nation Soaks In Booze Never before in the history of our Nation has so much liquor been consumed. This announce- was made last week by the Com- mittee for Alcohol for Rubbing Purposes. This repulsive condi- tion seems due to the fact that most people like to drink liquor- a disgusting habit, but it has its points. Drunk men, drunk women, drunk grandmothers, drunk chil- dren, drunk drunks-the streets are full of them. The nation is floating in a sea of alcohol. It's a shame, too. Most people don't ap- preciate good liquor. For example, .a little bitters in a jigger of . . . oh, well. And drunken driving, too. There's your accident toll. A few drinks, an automobile, a motor, a carburator a piston -- roaring through the night, speeding, dar- ing, the spurt of the exhaust, the knock of a missing plug, the flash. of lights, the smoothness of a wet highway--and a near-sighted spin- ster, who never had a driving les- son in her life, coming the other way in an antiquated Model-T with rubber band brakes. Then the glare of lights, the screech of tires, the crash of twis- ted metal, the tinkle of glass- glass, the tinkle of ice, a glass, a shot of bourbon, dash of absinth . . . that's it-drink. An accident, lives lost, little children killed. The twisted wreckage of two baby buggies at the bottom of a hill. And why? I'll tell you why. Be- cause the mothers let the little stinkers lick the mouth of a bottle of beer. Shame. Mothers should drink beer after the baby is put to bed. In fact, mothers shouldn't drink at all. Ask any father; if he was a moth- er, he wouldn't drink. No, sir. Besides, one can drink cheaper than two. Advertisements are the root of the trouble. Who can resist the drawing of an ice cold beer rest- ing on a frigid blue block of ice in the middle of summer? Who can resist the photos of a bald headed, obeise, sloppily dresser, revolting man-of-distinction with a glass of expensive hootch in his palsied hand? Nobody can, I'll tell you-nobody. A person has gpt to practice temperance. Just remember, drink is . . . DISGUSTING Disgusting, isn't it. . . REVOLTING Revolting isn't it . . BUT Delicious, isn't it !!!! Hinkson Inviting Once again the freezing north- ern winds are moving across the cliffs and hills of the Hinkson area, and soon the waters will be frozen and the college boys and girls will be enjoying life on the Hink again, in the true school tradition. Now that the annoying trees, shrubs, weeds and other bother- some growths have fallen before the wrath of Father Winter, the call of the Hink is felt in the soul of every true son and daughter of old Mizzou. During the summer, when these growths are flourish- ing, the Hink is no attraction. It is impossible to see any distance, and occasionally couples will be- come separated from their groups and not be seen for several hours. This is discouraging to picnickers who would prefer a large clear field where they could roast wein- ers and drink soda-pop. It is also rumored that strange noises have been heard issuing forth from the nuremous caves in the Hink area. It is believed that these are made by wild animals. Mowever, with the advent of winter, these animals will surely hibernate and there is no danger. So, winter has come, and the call of the open reaches across the vastness of the Hinkson bor- ders reaching for the true lover of the outdoor. There's plenty of room for skating, snowballing, sledding, and just general good old fun. So if you want to cele- brate in the true Hink fashion, put on your longies and woolen gloves, and dash out to the Hink. Oooh, you'll have fun. But watch out for the broken bottles. They cut. And if anyone finds a brown checkered, cotton blanket, please return it to me in Jesse attic. Throw off the shackles. Arise, I say, arise. Are we going to allow these conditions to continu for- ever? The statement has not been verified. Letters to the Editor Dear Sir: I don't like your paper. S Truly I. Q High Editor's Note; The above trash is a fine example of that dastardly threat to the freedom of the press, prejudice. It is not only a threat to the press but to the country. An attitude such as that could be directed toward the government even, undermining the decades of work by freedom loving men. I ask you, now, I ask you is that democracy? Are we to be belittled by every Tom, Dick and George who has an opinion? Let's not be demoralized by such obvious tripe. Let's all pull together as good democratic people and overwhelm the forces of evil. Let's all sup- port the STEWDENT! Dear Editor: Where the hell is the three bucks you owe me? signed, Boone County Finance Co. Deer Editor: I hav allways injoyed yur news payper very much. Of all the news paypers I hav seen yurs is the beessed of all. I think yur lay up is the finist of eny coleege paayper in the cuntry an I hav seen kwite a few. Also yur make out is good also. When it cums to hedlines yurs ar the bessed. I kant cee how yu manage to mak up all thos iner- esting wurds. Yu ar trewly sum smart peeple. Yur pickturs are need an yur huwmur is reely funy. I laff all the time at yur jocks. I nevur by the sitty paypers be- cus I get all the newist news frum yurs. Yur prycis ar allso reson- ibble. I hope yu will cuntinu to rite this payper. I will allways be yur fan. Yurs Trewly P. S. I hope this wuz long enuff, son. It wuz all I cood think of. Yur pop sez yu shood ware yur shirts a week longur before yu send them home. But I dont kare. Mom. According to Mr. Vishinskey, No is a word which in Russian doesn't mean the same thing, but refers rather to Uh, Uh. The thing may or may not be accepted in the manner prescribed. Harpooning With Harpy By Sharpy Harpy I went to a dance with my best girl the other night. What a mis- take! Dancing with her was like coming in with the tide. Not .that she is fat, but during a slow dreamy number a friend asked her where her partier was. I disenve- loped myself and explained that I liked to snuggle close on a crowd- ed floor, although I was damn near smothered Actually the floor was so crowdd that you could dance on a dime and get a nick- el's change. It was one of those limited- number-of-ticketl-on-sale dances, which are so named becuse only a specific number of people are supposed to be ioveled into Roth- well at one time because of fire laws. Now I have heard of laws of gravity, laws of physics, laws of economics, laws of face, and laws of virtue, but this is the only place I know of which has laws to cover a tr sgressing fire. The usual punishment for the criminal is the water treatment. I asked the school fire chief why, so many tickets were sold. He warned me to keep my nose the hell out of his brother's business. His brother is a printer (Democrat) in Jeffer- son City. * * The reason he University hasn't put up the Student Union is be- cause they are anti-union. Be- sides they're afraid John L. Lewis will try to put in a three day week. That would give the facul- ty a small weak salary. . * TODAY'S HOT HORSES: Bee- thoven in the fifth Flatiron across the board. Speaking of animals, camels prefer doctors 2 to 1. * * * Speakng of Stephens girls, they have so much money that one I know, after her doctor told her to get more greens back into her diet, asked, "What denominations?" Speaking of money, if you don't think money talks, just try to tele- phone without a nickel. I was once so broke that I became an east-side robber. It wasn't dan- gerous though, I was a safe rob- ber. Strange occupations run in my family-my father was an elec- trician; I was his first shock. They were going to drown me, but the bathtub was full of bootleg gin. When I was born the nurse approached my father, who was in the process of selling a case of hot booze to the doctor, and an- nounced, "Congratulations, it's a child!" So They Assert? DO YOU THINK? Max Freshman, Hawgeast, Soph. "I haven't seen a girl on the campus that I'd care to take out." Sally Sorority, E. St. Louis, Fi "I've never thought a girl should on the first date." Warren Out, Chicago, Sr. "It's Eisenhower in the next election or my name ain't." Frieda Frigid, Bar Bar Ranch. Bar, Texas, Jr. "I'll do anything to pass Econ." Harry Hoppivitch, Boston, Sr. "Hawr, I've got the H & P final." Vic Vet, Quonset City, Soph. "Fight tigers, fight for old M.U." Homer Aesop, Athens, Jr. "And it came to pass that lupa said to Uipa, let there be light; and there was light, and the Cam- els and Chesterfields were thusly lit." John L Lewis, Congress, Agitator "For 30,000 miners, bub." Simply Devine will receive a ton of steel well for her question used in this weeks "So They As- sert,' Want to know what you can do? Let the STEWDENT tell you. Please, if you can dig up the money anywhere, buy the STEW- DENT. We really need the money, kid. That Showme Rag comes out to- day according to the aged, ulcer- ated editor. If you want to advertise, and nobody else will have your adver- tisement, the STEWDENT will take it. Prezident's Kurner By Windsock Martini Hiyuh, Suckers, Well, I guess it's about time that I cut out the usual hogwash about S. G. A. did this and S. G. A. did that at our last meeting. I'm gonna tell you stupid lollipops the real scoop on our last meeting: We didn't meet in the East Lounge of Read Hall; in fact, we never did and we never will meet in Read Hall-the place is for peas- ants. The boys and their bimbos got together in the back booth of Dean's Place and we started the "business" rolling. The Co-ordinator of Student Activities, Joey Somethingrother, came in with a babe like you nev- er seen. He sits her down and starts muggin' like mad until I tell him to cut it out and share her with the rest of the commit- tee. Well, he does, and then the guy what handles all the athletic stuff breaks out a couple of bags of opium. Good stuff. Costs you suckers that $1.25 you pay at reg- istration. Then we order a few brews and send out some wheelish peasant from the Student (pardon the expression) to get us a case of hooch. Thanks, 'suckers, you paid for it. After this is brought, the meeting's really hep. Well, some jerk who really thinks we're out to do some good for the students says, "Shay, we gotta get the masses a tiger cubsh." After we finish our little laugh, I tells the kid, emphasizing my point with a beer bottle as a pointer, I says, "Shaddup. The students are happy. We got 'em excited about a "student union"-- now they want a tiger mascot, and the next thing you know, they'll want clean campus politics . . . . and where does that leave us?" "With no tea," says the athletic goop. And he's right. After all, you 10,000 easymoney jacks, where do you think the cash for a new student union went? And where do you think the cash for a nasty little carnevorus cur went? Don't be naive; we got the dough! "Your S. G. A." Some joke, huh? Well, after we smash this re- former all over the place, I ad- dress the group that's still sober: "It's about time we get some more spirit at Ole Mizzou!" (that 'Ole Mizzou' sounds good after a couple of beers and a few shots of has- hish.) Then I appoint a commit- tee made up of two bar tenders, three visiting profs and a shady gal from Jeff City to. get more spirit . Then I extend my congra- tulations to Akbad Ahmad who sent us a free sample of his new Maharajah Cigarettes. Try 'em. I also thank the S. G. A. Bull- dozer Committee for bulldozing the hell outta you students. You thought all the time that we were on your side! Whatta riot! Next, I curse the football team, (and you know what we think of that crew!) for going to the Cro- codile Bowl-that means we get less money from you suckers next year. Then, as people start getting nosey about our little meeting, I grab my babe, an A. W. S. wheel, who's underneath the table play- ing jacks, and call the meeting adjourned with the singing of Ole Mizzouri-sounds cruddy to me. When you suckers read this, I'll be living at Tampico-by-the-gutter, Mexico. The Missouri Stewdent, Today Foramber, 69, 9669 Page Boy FIVE FALL DIVORCES Betty Friddle To Untie Knot The divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Freddy Friddle has been announc- ed by her lawyer, Cotton Mouth Jones. Mrs. Briddle is a freshman in the College of Agriculture and a member of the University Boxing Team. Mr. Wriddle is an eighth grade pupil in a little red school house. Mrs. Griddle claims her husband falls down when she hits him. She charges extreme social cruelty. The divorce will take place in Utah. Sofia Schlum To Unknot Tie The divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Sanky Schlum has been announc- ed by her lawyer, Cotton Mouth Smith. Mrs. Schlum is a graduate stu- dent in the School of Education and a former tackle for the Green Bay Packers. Mr. Schlum is a failure. Mrs. Schlum claims her husband is a poor dummy. She charges extreme physical cruelty. The divorce will take place in Utah. Please buy the STEWDENT. $adie $mith To Unhitch The divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Cot- ton Mouth Smith has been an- nounced by her lawyer, Cotton Mouth Jones. Mrs. Smith is a Junior in Arts and Sciences and a member of the Young Democrats for Truman. Mr. Smith is a Republican. Mrs. Smith claims her husband is a good loser. She charges extreme political cruelty. The divorce will takee place in Utah. Apple Mary To Disvow The divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Letsmake Mary has been announc- ed by her lawyer, Cotton Mouth Schlum. Mrs. Mary is a third year sopho- more in the school of Journalism and a member of the American Legion. Mr. Mary is a gay dog from hunger. Mrs. Mary claims her husband does nothing but read the SHOWME. She charges extreme visual cruelty. The divorce will take place in Utah. Mangie Dogg To Try Again The divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Manbites Dogg has been announc- er by her lawyer, John Cotton Mouth. Mrs. Dogg is a major in the third artillery corps and a mem- ber of the English House of Par- liment. Mr. Dogg is a third class econ instructor. Mrs. Dogg claims her husband is Henry George. She charges extreme mental cruelty. The divorce will take place. Calendar of Events Wednesday 12:30 Latin Club, Santiago, Chile. 1:30 Femme Form, Showers, T. D. #3. 3:30 Record Session, Law School Library. 5:30 Platonic Love Club, Read- ing Room, Library. 7:30 Soooeee, Ag. Students. Thursday 9:30 Committee for More Com- mittees, East Lounge, Read Hall. 10:30 Committee for Less Build- ings, More Benches, Less Guards, More Shrubbery, and Less Lights on Red Campus; The Shack. 10:30 Committee For a Stricter Moral Code, Red Campus. 11:00 Committee To Welcome Middlebush, Wabash Station 11:05 Committee To See Middle- bush Off, M.K.T. Station. 11:30 Committee to Sing Blue Campus Blues, Rec. Hall, Blue Campus. Friday 1;30 Early Starters Club, Benga- lair. 2:30 Necking Lessons, Read Hall. 8:30 Bridge Club, Hi nkson Bridge. 9:00 Passion Begins, Columbia, Mo. 11:00 Passion Ends, Stephens. 12:30 Passion Ends, Columbia, Mo. Saturday 11:30 Open House (Attendance Prizes and Bingo), Steph- ens. 12:30 Young Progressives of America, Alcatraz. 1:30 French Club, Devil's Ice Box. 10:30 Stag Party, Theta House. 1:30 Hell Raising, Kappa Sig House. Sunday 10:30 Church, Church. 10;30 Young Sinners of America, Hinkson. 4:30 Old Sinners of America, Hinkson. 4:30 Vespers, Church. 8:30 Uncle Joe's Crabbins, Read Hall. Monday 12:00 Not a damn thing doing all day. Tuesday 12:30 Missouri Sweat Shop, T-1. 1:30 Rankin's Poor Relatives, Jesse's Steps. 2; 30 Ag. School Steering Com- mittee, Cow Barn. 3:30 Exchange Dinner, Crowder Hall. 4:30 Study Last Week's Assign- ments, Library' Hall. 6:30 Beat Oklahoma in '50, S. G. A. Office. 7:30 Gypsy Rose Lee Exhibit, Assembly Hall, Stephens. THE MISSOURI STEWDENT Today, Foramber 69, 9669 Official Student and only Stewdent Newspaper of the University of Missouri, Columbia, Mo. Published Someday During the School Year Editorial Office, Fulton Telephone, Dial Editor ...... ............................................ Benjamin Franklin Jones Business Manager...................................................................... H. G. Brown Jones Managing Editor ......................... ....... .............. J. Edgar Hoover Jones News Editor .......................--............ ..... ...-.............. ...... Andre Vishinsky Jones Tripe Editor ........................................-- .... ... Walter Winchell Jones Mispelled Editor ................. ............... ......... . .. Robt. Neal Jones Rumor Editor .......... - -------. Uncle Joe Jones Circulation Editor ................................................. ..... ........... Jesse James Jones Letters-to-the Editor .................................... Colonel McCormick Jones Humor Editor.....................................Milton Berle Jones Society Editor............................................ . ... Erskine Caldwell Jones Music Editor ....................................................... ....... ... ........ ...... Spike Jones Make-up Editor ... ........................................... Max Factor Jones Anna-Dana McTana Plots Wedding Day February 16 will be the date for the marriage of Anna McTana to George Gorge ih Pacific, Ocean. Miss McTana is a graduate of the School of Journalism. I know because that's where I met her. What a girl! We ed to sit in the same seat-and at the same time. It was reall hard on my dry cleaning bill. Creases, you know. Miss McTana now resides in Mexico, Gulf. I used to visit her there. What a girl! We sat in the same seat at the dinner table. It was really hard on my doctor bill. Broken legs, you know. The couple will honeymoon in San Francisco, Bay. Officials Announce New Stephens Laws A member of the Stephen's Col- lege Faculty today announced that spriget frunles burrrghn at portu- crrey brighunk. This, he said, gous nunndt plqty, however, if she gtymbe nup exbubaa, or ooiguy- mnr in resviuoppqw. This news prchiml fr ndtifg, and riqyrt. What mpiuybld this wil have on eugnos pret, will gnueco. Also, irutzipou penqru, there will girncop wng jwmloc hours. If the cnopqsjg should frrud kg hidxe, then the ogum kazwaj. No doubt this will affect wipxbvu as well as oyumgt. The fcruv should be considered as ojwn as ricnr ogqtre. It is khgrqu that this umvrpo be igt- qwz. TOMBSTONES Unbreakable, water-repellent, life-sized. "Remember your loved ones or they may re- member you. Be ready when they let you down; Write for price list. Rock-pile, Inc. Ohio Penitentury Columbus, Ohio Lana Shultz Bags Mate For Marriage Mr. and Mrs. Tasmanka Shultz recently announced the long awaited marriage of their daugh- ter, Lana. The groom, poor lad, is Clarence Mitty of Wabash Sta- tion, Ohio. The bride will wear white contrasted with the delicate red of her eyes, and the deep pur- ple lines on her forehead. The groom will wear a midnight-blue ball with silver-colored steel chain. The two will honeymoon in Wabash Station, Indiana. GIRLS! Learn a profitable profession at home, in spare time. Be trained by experienced men who know how to handle you. For more information, write "Culture Enterprise," Box 9, Armpits, Arkansas. STEVEDORE After-Shave Fluid 'Smell Like a Man' "Liphebouy is for sissies," writes B. J. of Skunk Hol- low, Mo. "STEVEDORE'S tops with my woman, too- it really knocks her out." Thousands of similar letters flow into our sweatshop every year. Bring the smell of the docks into your own home. Easy to spread, slow drying, lingering ole factory stimuli. Made only of the choicest blend of selected domestic and Turkish sweat. For rugged virility, remem- ber: "IT'S NOT THE ARM, IT'S THE PIT." Cops Raid Meeting Of Literary Club The monthly meeting of the Lit- erary Club and Early Bird Watch- ers was held Thursday at 4 p. m. at the home of Mrs. Bill Shake- speare, the estranged wife of an obscure Narration Instructor. The meeting opened with the treasurers report, read by Mrs. Bobby Ben- chly, wife of a Benchly by the name of Bobby. This report caus- ed a one-half hour riot when Mrs. M, Often accused the treasurer of juggling the books. A call to the Columbia police station caused a cruises to be dispatched to the scene. Remarked a club-wielding cop, "This happens once every month." After a short business meeting, Mrs. Malaprop gave her version of the Black Bottom. This was fol- lowed by a short discussion of the works of Chaucer and Boccaccio by the literary committee of lower Basin Street. A bridge tournament was scheduled to close the meet- ing, but during the first hand, Mrs. Renig was accused of cheating. She immediately struck her accus- er over the head with the nearest table lamp. Two women pulled hair in the corner while the rest engaged in a general melee in the center of the room. During the fracas, Mrs. Thebus ransacked the ladies purses in the bed room. Mrs. Renig, wielding a heavy ash stand, led her forces in a Banzai attack which seemed for a moment to crush the opposing forces. Her victory was short-lived, since re- inforcements from a crap game in the cellar attacked her rear and gained a foothold in the kitchen. Two combatants infiltrated into the Renig stronghold and succeed- ed in establishing sniper's nests in the living room chandeliers. From there they peppered their oppon- ents with empty beer bottles. The campus cops raided the meeting, but finding no evidence of subersive activities left without making any arrests. During their brief search of the house, two books by Caldwell, were discovered. The meeting was adjourned af- ter a brief prayer to Thor. The Missouri Stewdent, Today Foramber, 69, 9669 Back Page MU COPS BIG SEVEN TITLE By Dill "Black" Underhand All of sportsdom is agog over the new innovation in basketball tactics that stumpy-fingered Spar- ky Stallaround, the Missouri bas- ketball coach, has introduced here at the old State U. Sparkling Sparky's new system came to him one afternoon when he was reading over the new set of rules that the NBAA had rec- ently sent him. It seems that the copy was a bad printing job, and somehow or other they said noth- ing at all about the fact that.you can only have five men on the court at one time. When tight-lip- ped sparky saw this, he decided to take advantage of this slip-up and win a few games for the old State U.; although I kept telling him that the spirit and sportsmanship of the students was so lousy that they didn't deserve to win a bas- ketball game. At the next game, while the us- ual meager crowd of disinterested spectators was alternately sleep- ing and booing a poor, crippled referee, dynamic Sparky put his new plan, called the Gesuntheit Fieberswaber Plan, into action. What he did was to send sixty (60) men onto the floor at once. As soon as the old State U. got the ball, all sixty (60) men charged down the floor. Fifty-nine (59) of them threw themselves into a screaming pile of bloody carnage under the basket, and while they lay there in a moaning mound of flesh, giving their all for old Mis- souri, their gallant teammate ran up the mound of bloody bodies and threw the ball through the basket. I am forced to say that the spirit of the crowd reached fantastic heights at the sight of this. This shift in tactics has caused a great deal of consternation in the sports world. It is even said that in the sports world there are some poor sports who have been nasty enough to call this type of offens- ive illegal. It say it's nonsense. Meanwhile, beady-eyed Coach Stall- around will go right ahead piling up victories and players for the old State U. Oklahoma Will Play Next Year, Says Sooner's Coach Wilkinson An obscure member of the Uni- versity of Oklahoma coaching staff (Wilkinson by name) announced last week that the Sooners would play football next year. This start- ling announcement of an unpreced- ented policy was greeted with a tremendous sigh by other members of the Big Seven. One coach remarked that this was indeed the kindest news to life and limb that the sporting world had received since Joe Louis retired. An insurance executive is reported to have fired half his staff after hearing the news. Also it was learned that the bare-foot mountaineers, who con- stitute the backbone, ribs and muscle of the team, were too busy at their stills to play football. The brains of the team, a discarded Missouri quarterback, is in his seventies and can hardly tell the stadium wall from the backside of the center. Blow To Meds A leading Oklahoma physicianis quoted as saying, "A blow to our profession. No more broken bones, smashed ribs or mangled faces." A Sooner student sadly stated, "Now we'll have to go to the bull fights in Mexico to see blood." After the announcement was made, a former inmate of San Quentin and two Judo instructors were released from the coaching staff. The entire Sooner squad has been issued booklets entitled, "How to Play Football." It is hop- ed they can read. HEY! YOU Yes . . . I mean you!! How about those fifteen miles of kidney tubes packed tighter than the devil in a space no bigger than your abdominal cavity! -Do you suffer from sleeplessness, backache, headache, writer's cramp, smoker's hack, toothache, corns, warts, or bloodshot eyes? All these symptoms may be an indication that dat ole network o' kidney tubes (all fifteen miles of 'em) are coated with a hard, green rocky deposit at a temperature of 115 degrees F . . . AD YOU WONDER WHY YOU HAVE BAD BREATH!! Land sakes alive, don't suffer any longer from unwanted rocky deposits in your kidneys! Try BURNOUT today! BURN- OUT is a secret combination of mineral oil, Drano, leeks (small green onions), celery stalks, Vitamin A. orange peels, and kerosene. Don't wait! Flush out those ole tubes now. Good for one mile. Send several miles of your kidneys to us PRONTO! And we will send you 15 gallons of BURNOUT. Pay the post- man 4 cents and he will re- turn your kidneys in a plas- tic waterproof sack. (Choice. of three colors: monogram extra). Dyna-Flow, Inc. Boonville Chemical Corp. Boonville, Mo. LEARN AT HOME TO PASS H & P TESTS Our Method Positively Guaranteed Why worry about your grade in H & PT Buy our guaran- teed, simplified, primer-type, easy to learn, average raising, certified copies of all H & P tests. Help your friends pass these tests. Get dates the easy way. Why worry yourself with studies? BIG PROFITS! Two answers free. Last minute changes also free! E's For The Masses Incorporated Address Pending Cottam U Whips A & M in Weevil Bowl Classic Cottan University's Falsies de- feated Central Standard A.M.s Bloodshots 92 to 6 in the Weevil Gowl at Itchy, Alabama. This gives Cottam U. its twentieth victory in the sixteen games played. The bloodshots scored nine conversions and two touchdowns in the first seven minutes of play while hold- ing the Falsies, to sixty three points and nineteen fractured ribs? First Quarter: Stimbowitz threw a long pass to Inkowitz who fell over the referee. The referee threw Inkowitz to Stimbowitz. The fans went wild. Inkowitz went home. Karskowitz faded to his three- yard line and watched Jones score a touchdown. Score: 19 to 12. Yakowitz plunged to the twenty. Yakowitz plunged to the eighteen. Yakowitz plunged to the eleven. Yakowitz plunged to the seven. Yakowitz plunged to the two. Jones scored; Yakowitz injured on the play. Score: 5 to 7. Second Quarter: Rikowitz made a thirty-yard end run to the bench where the coach patted him on the back. The coach made a thirty yard run to the men's room. The fans went wild! The Falsies were penalized thirty yards for kicking the referee in the whistle. Ashko- witz faked a reverse to Tiekowitz and handed to Wiswitz who re- versed to Lik itz who passed to Pekowitz who ateralled to Gigo- witz who gave to Yakowitz who helped everybody look for the ball. Score 82 to Third Quarter: Finch ran the ball 134 yard for a T.D. The refe- ree ran Finch 134 yards back to his seat in the ands. The fans went wild. Isko z injured the drink- ing water. Rowitz threw a ninety- three-yard pass into the press box. Score: Cottam 18, Central Standard 63, Press Box 6. Yibo- witz ran the ball fifty-six yards to the two where he was tackled by a high school tuba player. The fans went wild! The tuba player threw a short pass to the field judge who was iled up at the forty-five. Tobowitz fought his way to the three for a five-yard loss. The fans went home. Fourth Quarter; Indowitz kicked and was thrown out of the game. Ilkowitz kicked the ball. The ball exploded. The team went wild! Trumpowitz on a quarterback sneak swiped the red handkerchief from the linesman. Score: 2 to 0. Ronowitz passed to Sirowitz who bid five no trump. Winowitz broke through left end and was given a new pair of pants. The press box went wild! With two minutes to go, Onowitz passed to Oyeswitz who caught the ball in his hands, but dropped the hands. Final score: 92 to 5. New Hoop Hope The lastest addition to the Mis- souri hoop brigade is this thing. This thing is a basketball player named Simon Shrdlru, and what's more he stands 9 foot 7 inches in his wedgies. Shrdlru comes from Mugwump, Mo., where his father, a carpenter, manufactures high boys. No one is sure how good he really is, for his high school basketball career was cut short when his hand was caught in the basket during a practice, and being unable to get loose, he was forced to stand there for two years. (They finally burn- ed the gym down and got him loose.) Nevertheless, high hopes are ex- pressed for this high boy by Sparky Stallaround, the Mizzou basketball mentor. If you can't find it anywhere else, you'll find it in the STEW- DENT. Tally in Final Minutes Brings MU Title Again Norman, Okla., Jan. 17, 1949 (OPPS) Shortly after midnight the Tigers. of Missouri staged a brilliant, hard-fought battle for the Big Seven Title Trophy with the Sooners of Oklahoma. After a three-hour tussle they finally man- aged to steal the damn thing. This is the first time since 1941 that Missouri has possessed the trophy. According to reports from Norman police, they won't have possession of it too long. The eleven culprits were dis- covered at 8;45 p. m., and within a short time the entire Oklahoma team was on hand for the title match. The odds were against the Missourians, as they only had 11 men, while Sooner Coach Wilkin- son had a full squad on hand and was able to substitute freely. After a series of line plunges the Tigers reached pay dirt-the trophy case. After securing the precious trophy the Faroutmen were forced to kick Out Of Danger. (Out of Danger is the Oklahoma co-captain). The victorious Bengals were greeted at the station in Colum- bia by cheering crowds of stu- dents. Also on hand to greet the battle-scarred team was a posse from Nonman. WAR MONGERS FULL OF BIRDSHOT (Continued From Page One) no good, a Russian as any Russian can be in Russia. And that's a big country. No, China is a big coun- try. But, what matter? Dirty Water What do they do but go swim- ming in Lake Success and make a failure of everything. It's a mess, I tell you. And those Russians names, you can hardly pronounce them. It's a trick. Take Colum- bia, for instance. Now. that's in Missouri. So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. Rest easy, don't be afraid of war. It's bigger than both of us-or is that China? But those Russians had better watch out there's no communists in Dog- patch. And there's not an atom,of truth in the bomb. BOYS - GIRLS - OTHERS Do you want to be the most popular on campus? Do you want to be the most sought-after boy or girl in the house? Do you want to be a leader? Here's How to Be The Hood of The Campus! Get a Little Quasi-Air Rifle today. Now! Yesterday! Shoots five hundred shots. Also shoots people. Blow the hell out of professors. Splatter that watchman all over the pavement. Also clubs kittens to death. Don't Let Bullies Push You Around! If that big ol' frat or sorority down the block swipes your juizes, shoot the beezes out of them. Organize! Make sure every member of your house has a genuine, ramrod-and- ball Little Quasi-Air Rifle. Get the gang together and hold up sweet old ladies. Also a great practical joke. Here's How To Get Yours! Just tear the top off your girl friend's evening gown and send in, together with your girl friend, to the address be- low. Send no money. Just slap the postman a couple of times for us, and you'll receive, prepaid, the real McCoy, a Quasi-Air Rifle. Also comes with built-in gun-moll. Remember, Kids, Keep Shooting! AL CAPONE INDUSTRIES Dear Al babe: Please send me prepaid a genuine Quasi-Air Rifle, complete with Schick Ejector Unit. NAME .................... .......................... ............... ......... ........................ ........... ADDRESS ....... ................................. ..... ................................. ... NEXT OF KIN ........... . ............. ................ ...... .... Pucketts I ain't got nothin' to wear but last year's clothes!. goin' down to see Henri Noel's fine fabricsl Free Tailoring Classes . mornings or evenings, to be continued now till Easter. Phone to enroll. I just can't get down to studying because I'm thinking about the dress my girl bought at Julie's. 2 Letters to Showme Dear Editor: This is sort of a late compliment, but I want to tell you I think the October cover of Showme is the best I've ever seen. I'm a senior at Lexington High School and I get a second-hand copy of Showme from a friend that at- tended Missouri last year. I enjoy every word, picture, and cartoon . . . from cover to cover. Keep up the good work. Shirley Wulfekammer Napoleon, Missouri Aw, shucks.-Ed. Dear Editor: Being a poor, upright, industrious Kansas youth who only has time to study and drink a beer now and then, I was somewhat surprised to find there is another facet of college life . . . thanks to Showme. In order to learn more of this hitherto undiscovered part of a col- lege man's existence, please place me on your subscription list. T. W. Oliver 1602 Louisiana Lawrence, Kansas Dear Editor: Our whole school has been having small-sized fits over Showme! It's the "most read" magazine to hit this campus. As a matter of fact, some of the jokes were used in our Junior Carnival Show recently. Miss 'Pudgie' Thabes Carleton College Northfield, Minn. Dear Editor: As a former Stephens student, your magazine became near and dear to my heart. After transferring, I decided that Showme was one of the few things I miss from life in "the heart of Little Dixie." My check is enclosed. Jo Anne Levy W. R. H., Box 57 Purdue University West Lafayette, Ind. Dear Editor: I have just read for the twentieth time Miss Mills' letter, which ap- peared in the December issue. To Miss Mills and the Policy Board, I say this: Give the students a voice in this matter. We know there isn't a student organization on the campus that needs office space as much as Showme. Can it be that the Policy Board ignores student opinion? To the Showme staff, I say this: Tell me what I, as a student, can do to help . . . and keep up the good fight. Elwood R. Heaston 407 College Ave. Columbia, Mo. Thanks, Elwood. However, the wheels of progress do turn slowly on this campus, and student opinion has caused the Policy Board to grant us an extensiqn to March 7. Meanwhile, we're looking for a new office. See letter below.-Ed. Dear Editor: At the Read Hall Policy Board meeting, December 15, considerable discussion was given to your request that an arrangement for extension of time in finding a new location be given. The Board voted to approve a short extension not to exceed one month (March 7). May I reiterate again the state- ment that no action of the Policy Board has been taken on any basis other than cooperative use of the facilities. The Board feels that Showme has not shown themselves willing to alleviate some of the handi- cap that has arisen in sharing this small space with two such widely diversified activities. Thelma Mills, Chairman Read Hall Policy Board Anyone got an empty broom closet?-Ed. BENGAL SHOP The Pen Point Plaza Editor's Ego THIS ISSUE probably requires some explanation. The "Bitter Issue," we felt, symbolized the general feeling about the campus this time of year. January is final-exam time . . . when professors begin to snarl at students-and students begin to snarl at professors (behind their backs, of course). In short, eve'yone is bitter. Thus, Showme hopes to make things some- what rosier through this satire. We had fun doing it-and we hope you have fun reading it. By golly, we just awoke to the fact that this is our last issue and last column. 'Due to circumstances beyond our control-and a few extra honor points-we are forced to graduate. These last few months have rushed by like a Columbia taxi after a fare. We're gonna miss those beer-sat- urated staff meetings, the monthly trips to our printer in Jeff City, the deadlines, the headaches, and-most of all-the wonderful guys and gals with whom we had the privilege to work. You know, after three-and-a-half years of watching Showme grow, it'll be tough to get it out of our blood. We've sweated out covers with Fair- field, been constantly amazed at the talents of Smith, Walker and Trimble, laughed at the antics of Litner, argued policy with Sanders and Barnard, and worried over dates for Mayer. It's damn hard to leave. In closing, we'd like to remind all you gals to keep your eyes peeled for the Showme Queen Contest, coming up next month (see page 3*). It'll be even bigger than last year. And . . . we hope there'll be enough Showmes to go around this month- we've printed 6,000. Showmeingly yours, Bitter Issue Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Editor-in-Chief Bill Gabriel, Jr. Associate Editors Miscellaneous Editor Flash Fairfield Business Manager William Herr Advertising Director Chris Chilcutt Art Editor Al Ebner i|iiiiiiaii , i aioirii ii iliii ||I|||||! ||||iii~.':i|;|ii^iii sales Manager Jim Higgins be s seCbretry Glenn Troelstrup Photo Staff K. K. Nevar Jack Organ Advertising Staff Don Garber Keith Hershey Features Doug Bales Stu Dent Jerry Litner Contents The Cult of Joy 14 The Last of the Really Bitter 31 They Don't Allow Shouting, Do They? '17 The Final Exam Scheme 25 FEATURES Bitter People on Campus 22 Parking Problem 20 Filched 33 Letters 2 Editor's Ego 4 Around the Columns 7 Candidly Mizzou 10 Showme Reports 26 Donn's Corner 38 Lafter Thoughts 28 43 Boy and Girl of the Month 36 Jerrymandering 41 Contributors' Page 44 COVER BY BILL GABRIEL, JR. Volume 27 January, 1950 Number 5 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copy- rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts may be sent by mail or delivered to the office. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 East 42nd St., New York, N. Y. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a MEMBER copy, $2.75 by mail. Office Hours: 2 to 4 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. MEMBER 5 WE'RE angry, burned up, blistered, Our indignation's ajitter; We're wrathful, irate, incensed, We're so damn mad we're bitter. 6 Around the Columns Overheard A bleary-eyed student hanging over a large stack of books and notes in the library, "Man, I'm crackin' up. Last night I had a dream in French." January The month born intoxicated . . . and buried in broken resolutions . . . visions of confetti . . . and the party distorted through the bottom of a glass . . . nightmares of an expanding skull . . . and two girls . . . the one you took to the party . . . and the one who took you home. . A new year . . . 1950 . . . better than the last? . . . or worse? . . . or just as bad? . . .January . . . the month of finals . . mental hibernation . . . when home. is the library . . . and eyes are coffee wide . . . worries are dime- a-dozen . . . with no takers . . . ad- vice is cheaper . . . and worth less . . . . dates are a memory . . . his- torical dates elusive . . . days are all too short . . . sleep is a myth . . . finals . . . prayers to the almighty M . . . should have been nicer to that teacher'. . . should have tried for that extra credit . . . should have taken notes . . . should have taken a dif- ferent course . . . should never have gone to college . . .oh, well . . . hell! . . that's January . . and always will be. Stop The Presses Perhaps we who come from the larger cities expect too much of the Columbia Missourian, Columbia is a small town and we should expect to read the report of every bumper-to- bumper contact, every entry into the hospital, and how many bottle hold- ers Mrs. Whatsit received at her shower. We should even expect to see editorials written on such major matters as the quality of cartoons be- ing shown in local theatres. This we should expect and accept; but a thing can be carried too far. The 'thing' we're referring to was an article in one edition of the Missour- ian entitled, "Kitten Enjoys All-Night Prowl." Devoted to this sensational piece of news was thirty-three lines, thirty picas (including head). The gist of the story was that the pet kitten of Mr. and Mrs. Whosit escaped one eve- ning while they were at the movie. The griefstricken couple pounded the pavement all night looking for the ellusive feline-to no avail. The punch line? Mrs. Whosit found the cat at her office the next day. The cat had no comment. He just looked at Mrs. Whosit and mewed quietly. Human interest? Maybe so. May- be we expect too much of the Mis- sourian-we of the larger cities. Pete And Repeat While we're on the subject of the Missourian, we might add that we're somewhat hurt to discover that we can't number among our ten thou- sand or so readers the people who write headlines for same publication. We used to devote space in Showme to bits of Missourian headline hiero- glyphics. One of the prizes of last year was "Suzie Places Second In Horse Show". We commented that it was unfair to the horses. That rapier- like thrust was evidently above the headline writers or unobserved by them, because they did it again this year. Come to think of it, maybe they are entering Suzies in horse shows. Some people will do anything for publicity. Pardon Our Tears Another one of those ragged royalty has popped up in the United States to tell the world what's wrong with it. This one resents people sneering at those of "The Royal Birth". 'The 'princess' admits that royalty is obsolete, but says that it doesn't make her a puppet with a title. One of her defenses of nobility is that they are .able to make a living in times of adversity. As an example, she. is making a living, in her time of ad- versity, -as a writer-with a wealthy, influential family behind her. That takes guts, say. Also, she says, nobility has con- tributed to culture by being the 'right people' and supporting such things as the Russian Ballet. What would we do without the Russian 7 Ballet? She asks' us to think about the poor painters and writers who would have died without the patronage of the nobility. But, somehow we keep thinking that the painters and writers might not have been so poor except for the nobility. The princess concludes this delight- ful exposition upon nobility gone democratic by saying that she thinks she's a better person because she had more advantages. Lady, can you spare a pint of blue blood? Red Hot We could get punnish and say that Columbia has certainly been under fire lately, but we won't. But it has, hasn't it? Houses have been burn- ing down, the fire chief has been howling at the citizens, the students have been howling at the firemen, and the firemen have been howling at the reporters. We can hardly blame the firemen for feeling antagonistic about the stu- dents jeering while they (the fire- men) methodically picked the roof to pieces at the Missouri Avenue fire. But then, it's difficult to blame the excitement-starved students, who are willing to jeer at anything just for kicks. After all, a great many people believe that firemen are instructed to ruin all furnishings with water and reduce the building to small splinters. Perhaps the students should be in- structed in fire-fighting methods and the firemen in mob psychology. The University housing office capi- talized on the fires by plastering buildings with copies of the Mis- sourian's account of the Oklahoma fire, topped by "Don't Let This Hap- pen At M.U." in very bold letters. Not a bad idea. Considering it all, we think that College Avenue should be presented with a plaque. Not one house has burned down on that street during the entire semester. Surely that's a record. Pi Phi Makes Good For those of you who are still won- dering why the Pi Phi girls, were seen scurring all over town buying up stacks of magazines last month, we have the explanation. It seems that one of the good sisters, Nancy Lee, June '49, former cheer- leader and Workshop star, made good. Her picture appeared in the recent issues of Eyeful and Beauty Parade, two somewhat dubious girlie maga- zines. Posed in bits of cheesecloth, Nancy was billed in the captions as "a little gal from the deep South (we knowv it's Clayton, Missouri) who likes her men attentive, but not fresh." Showme is justly proud of Nancy's success. In fact, we saw her first, as the saying goes. The 1949 Febru- ary issue carred her picture in con- nection with our "Feelthy Issue" photo feature. We understand the Thetas are green with envy. Young Whippersnapper A pleasing contrast to the almost stereotyped story of hot-rod crazy youngsters was the story that came out of Joliet, Ill. A souped-up '27 Model-T sailed down a Joliet street, rammed intq a '37 model and over- turned. When the Model T was righted, police found that it had no gearshift and a special coil gave it souped-up poiver. The pleasing contrast was the fact that the driver was ninety-three years old. The ancient speedster squared himself with the other driver, hopped into the buggy and steamed away, completley undisturbed. Sniff Sniff According to one Samuel Klein, women smell better than men. No, Mr. Klein hasn't toured the country sniffing men and women in a sort of a nasal Kinsey report. Mr. Klein is an instructor in "olfactory evalua- tion" at N.Y.U. and he means that women's sense of smell is better than that of man. Mr. Klein came to this conclusion after a series of tests on students, and he says that the difference may be that, "women's olfactory perception is better because they drink less . . . and do not smoke as much as men." Now let's test a representative group. Suggestion Every now and then the Showme staff gathers together in what we call a 'Policy Meeting'. We hash over the policy for the coming issue -what ideas we have, what we can do, what we can't do, what we might do, etc. As in big-time policy meetings some of the members like to doodle or write notes during rare moments of thought. We happened to pick up one of these scraps of paper at the 'Bitter Issue' meeting. Written on it was what is probably the most concise example of some of the suggestions we receive. At the top, underlined, was: Showme Policy Beneath this, written in a firm hand, was: Don't! The staff member is being screened. Education Department Did you know this? A daddipper is a dabchick or other small grebe. If you don't believe 'us, look it up in Webster. Wonder where he found it out? One For Lewis John L. Lewis and his boys top Joe Stalin and company of the snicker-of-the-month for December. John and his I'm-tired-of-working- let's-demand-something-lads gain this distinction by virtue of their latest strike (or is it the same one?). Seems that the cold weather crept in while the boys were haggling over a two or three-hour week, and they found themselves without any coal to heat their own houses. So they had to hike over to an adjoining county and buy coal mined by a rival union. First thing you know, everybody will be using gas-John L. has a good supply. Lucky Old Sun Sympathy of the month goes to a safe robber in Los Angeles-evidently new at the game. This lad broke into an auto accessory shop, lugged the 200-pound safe to his car, drove to a deserted place and laboriously beat the safe open with a sledge hammer. Net result-$3.80. The camel's straw came when the police captured him and he learned that the safe had been unlocked all the time. Maybe it's a nice jail. Bus Boys We haven't heard one joke about all the 'bus drivers' that have been attending class lately, courtesy Air ROTC. However, those of us who have had occasion to view members of the RAF are wondering if England is paying off their debt to us with old uniforms. The pinks were prettier. Sex Hex We're wondering how anti-social a socialistic state can get. In Eng- land, prison doctors have developed a drug which completely eliminates the sex urge. It is administered in pill form or by injection, takes up to fourteen days to work and lasts for some three weeks. According to the report, it com- pletely eliminates the sex urge in men. O.K., boys, now what are you ,going ,o do with the women? Joke Book Horace was sent to Africa to find a Tiger mascot for his school. He finally located one but discovered that he did not have sufficient funds for the return trip. He said a wire to the college president. The president was busy (as usual), so he had his secretary read the tele- gram to him. She read: "Have got mascot. Need money for return trip." "That bungling idiot," raged the prexy, "Wire that clumsy oaf that if he can't keep from getting cut up, he can damned well get back the best way he can." --G. T. S. 9 "You've gotta' do something about the wind in the Tower." candidly mizzou SINCLAIR ROGERS TRAVEL-CRAZED collegians clogged the cogs of Columbia's clap-trap Christmas conveyances last month. Everything from Mule Trains to Yule Trains were used to take the work-weary students out of town. One student, in desperation, hitched a dog to a wagon and with the cry, "Up, you Husky," was off for home. Ten minutes later police arrested him for speeding on Ninth Street. 10 SINCLAIR ROGERS JACKPOT WINNER of SHOWME centerspread word-guessing contest, Aline Fried, had only one thing to say: "God bless I. B. M." She also gives an assist to a crystal ball and a course in differential calculus. Winning guess: 324 words. SINCLAIR ROGERS ALLURING ALUMN, whose pin-up picture appeared in two national 'girlie' magazines, prompted proud, but non-committal, sorority sister to race about Columbia purchasing all copies available. The underground smuggled in more. SINCLAIR ROGERS WHILE OTHERS cram for finals, the SHOWME staff (left) resign themselves to the inevitable. SHOWME oldtimers claim they aon't want to graduate anyway, and younger staffers feel there's plenty of time to gather honor points. Lad pictured at right is typical of others who, loading themselves with books and black coffee, began the arduous task of trying to outguess professors who are trying to outguess them. 11 SINCLAIR ROGERS PROUDLY PLAYING before a capacity audience, the Columbia Fire Department-and-cat-rescuing-squad partially demolished a Mis- souri Avenue rooming-house which, by coincidence, was burning at the time. Students appeared from all over the campus to critically appraise the job. Aside from loud booing and jeering, the crowd was orderly-no one attempted to steal a fire truck or man a hose. JIM LAPHAM ROUGH AND TUMBLE basketball returned to Mizzou when Coach 'Sparky' Stalcup changed Tiger's style to offensive. The bean- pole Bengals began season with several impressive victories, and if they keep the pace, things should go well. Powered by hoopsters Heineman, Stroot, Stauffer, and Fowler, they can be sure of one thing-they're sure to out-reach the opposition. 12 photo of the month SINCLAIR ROGERS BITTEREST MAN in town last month was pub-owner Jim Collins, who was forced to close down temporarily when the local gestapo caught up with some drunken minors. The minors claimed they procured the brew at his establishment. Although most college students dream of being left alone in a bar, Mr. Collins-who is living the dream--doesn't seem to like it one bit. 13 The Cult of Joy By Jerry Smith ILLUSTRATED BY FLASH FAIRFIELD Hilarious Bogg had solved all the pmblnm of the worl's bittene . xpt thee of Cryin' Boy Wills. I GOT to know him better than most. That's cause I'm in charge of 'Happy Children', group number four; and all us group leaders always went into conference with Hilarious Bogg whenever any big thing happened to come up. And this was a big thing. You see, Hilarious Bogg was the leader of The Cult of Joy, and all of us 'Happy Children' just sort of con- sidered him something like a precaher. 'Course, he was even better than most preachers, 'cause they usually spend all their time telling people that they're sinners and just makin' them bitter in general. Not so with Hilar- ious. He founded The Cult of Joy a couple of years back 'cause he seen that most people is bitter most of the time. Hilarious Bogg certainly changed that. 14 In 'bout two weeks he had all of us smiling all the time and feelin' real good. Why, it got so that we was even smilin' in our sleep. Hilar- ious knew how to make people happy, and not everybody gets happiness the same way. But Hilarious knew all the ways, and that's how we all come to be 'Happy Children' of the Cult of Joy. But that ain't really what I'm talkin' about. Of course, the thing affected the Cult of Joy, and like I said, I got to know him better than most 'cause I'm in charge of 'Happy Children', group number four--or was. We got up 'bout eight that morn- ing. That was one thing that Hilar- ious did; he taught us that we should sleep late in the morning and some- times we'd sleep 'til eight thirty. Hilarious sure knew how to keep.peo- ple happy. We was all gathered in a little group down in Cole Kurps' pasture just listenin' to Hilarious make us happy. And we was all happy, too. All of us was smilin' and some was even rollin' around on the ground just laughin' to beat all. Hilarious was sittin' on a stump, facin' us all, and beamin' on us with that great big, joyful smile that he always had. Just lookin' at Hilarious made a person feel' good, 'cause that big smile just seemed to move into the person that was lookin' at him, and soon he'd be smilin' the same way. All of a sudden Hilarious' smile wasn't so big anymore. Mind you, he was still smilin', but the smile wasn't so big. This would have been enough to make me turn around, 'cause I could see that Hilarious was lookin' beyond us, but 'bout that time I hear this big sob. Why it had been six months since any of us had heard a sob, 'cause Hilarious had been with us six months. Well, you can bet we were sure sur- prised, and we all turned around like one person. He was standin' just a little ways from the group, in back of us. Why, his face was enough to make a normal person cry. His eyes. and eyebrows was all turned down sad like, his nose was all twisted up and his mouth looked like he was eatin' a sour per- simmon. But it wasn't no persimmon makin' him do like that. He was cryin'! Great big tears was slidin' down his face and fallin' on his shirt which was already wet. He looked sadder than any person I'd ever seen in all my thirty-five years. He looked so sad that it was awful hard for us to keep smilin' and a couple of us looked like we was goin' to cry and smile at the same time-'cause we sure didn't want to stop smilin' with Hilarious standin' there lookin' at us. Well, you can imagine how Hilar- ious was feelin'. Here he was tryin' to keep us happy and up pops this guy with a face sad enough to make us forget what Hilarious had told us. Hilarious jumps off the stump, still smilin' mind you, and rushes down to where we 'Happy Children' group leaders are sittin'. In a few minutes we've got this cryin' man safely hidden inside Hilarious Bogg's cabin. "Friend," Hilarious Bogg says, "Why is it that you come to us cryin' when all the world is filled with joy." At this the stranger throws back his head and gives out with a sob that shakes us to the bone. Hilarious is disturbed. "Friend," Hilarious says, still - smilin', "What is your name." "Cryin' Boy Wills," he answers be- tween tears. "Ha, this is a funny name," shouts Sorghum Sweet, group leader number two. This makes everyone laugh, which makes Hilarious happy. (Continued on next Page) 15 KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP Fredendall's THE CULT OF JOY (continued from page 15) "When '-"was born," sobs Cryin' Boy, "the doctor slaps me to make me cry. 1 only stop cryin' three weeks later because I am hungry. This is why I am called Cryin' Boy." Now his body is shakin' with sobs and Hilarious is very disturbed. "This is not a thing to be unhappy about," he says hopefully. "The world is filled with joy. Is there not food for your stomach?" '"No one can make stewed-tomato pie like my departed mother." Cryin' Boy howls with grief. "Do you not have ears to hear the world's sounds of beauty?" "No one can play Come To Me Tender as it should be played." "Do you not have eyes to see the beauties of the world?" "I have seen nothing worth looking at." We can see that Hilarious is losin' a battle. His smile is fadin'; mind you, he's still sm;lin', but it is not so happy now. Cryin' Boy is causin' the entire floor of the cabin to be- come wet from hs tears. "Surely there, is ssonrfthing that will make you hap'py"-tTilarious says desperately. ., "Nothing," Cryin' Boy moans. Then Hilarious -looks at us slow like, "and now he is afi'lin' only on bne. side of his mouth.7 Of course we're all thinkin' the same thing. There's only one thing could make Cryin' Boy happy-Ecstacy Brown! .Nobody could deny that Ecstasy Brown was the most woman that had ever been in those parts. Her face wasn't nothin' to look at, but there ,wasn't' a man alive that could get a full look at Ecstacy and worry 'bout her face. Fact is, the only reason I know how bad her face is, is because she happenes to be layin' on the other side of a hill from me one day an' all I could see was her face. After she came over the hill, there wasn't even no use to try to look at her face. We didn't think* that Hilarious would do it, 'cause he had always figured on takin' Ecstasy for his own. But the Cult of Joy was in, danger, and he gave Ecstasy Brown to Cryin' Boy Wills-and he did it with a smile. Things pretty well got back to normal after that. 'Course, Hilarious' smile was pretty strained for a while, but soon he was smilin' joyful like and everybody got to feelin' happy again. We got up late in the mornin', sometimes at eight-thirty. 'Bout a week later we was havin' our evenin' happy hour. We was all gathered down in Cole Kurps' pas- ture and Hilarious was sittin' on a stump facin' us. Everybody was grinnin' real big and some was rollin' on the ground laughin' to beat all. There wasn't no doubWt about who it was when we heard the. sob. We didn't even have to turi around to know it was Cryin' Boy Wills. The group leaders just sort 'od joined to- gether and carried Cryin' Boy off to Hilarious' cabin withoutv anyone sayin' a word. "Cryin' Boy," f$larious says, still smilin', "Ain't you ifound np joy in the world?" :: -" Cryin' Boy just sobs broken like. "Ain't Ecstacy Brown got the most beautiful body ever you seen?" "Oh, that she has," Cryin' Boy sniffs, "She's the most beautiful I ever seen." "Don't she sing sweet music for your ears?" "Oh, she sings the most beautiful Come to Me Tender ever I heard." "And ain't she right friendly when you want her to be?" "Oh, she's the most friendly woman ever I seen." Cryin' Boy is sobbin' like his heart is broken. "Don't she like you none?" Hilar- ious is desperate. "Oh, she likes me wonderful." Cryin' Boy is all bent over and his tears are spillin' out like a waterfall. "Then ain't you found no happi- ness," Hilarious roars, fightin' to keep his smile. "She can't make stewed-tomato pie like my departed mother," Cryin' Boy sobs. Hilarious Bogg just falls over on the floor cryin' like his heart is broken. But it don't make no difference, 'cause we're all doin' the same. There just ain't nothin' in this world like good stewed-tomato pie. THE END They Don't Allow Shouting, Do They? Ever fought the 'battle of the Library?' Chalk up onother bitter student who tried . .and lost. I TIPTOED to the information desk on the first floor of the library. Behind the "Shhhhhh!" sign on the desk, a sparrow-faced woman with rouge planted half-way down her cheeks was smiling through a recent copy of Better Farms and Meadows. I tried to make my purpose seem personal and leaned my right arm on the desk. "Don't lean," the lady commanded, "it's Louie the Fifteenth, you know." I wanted to bow from the waist, but coughed instead. "Well?" The lady lifted her eye- brows and I could see a ring of enthu- siasm around one eye, and one of fatigue around the other. "I'm looking for a book." "Yes." She answered sweetly, as if she comprehended all. It made my task seem easier for the moment. "I would like to get 'The Biography of a Spanish Oriole' by Rudolph von Schnitzer." "Which edition?" "Is there more than one?" I asked. "Yes. There are three--1923, 1938, 1939." "The '23 edition will do." "I'm sorry but that book was bor- rowed and never returned-some Portuguese student, I believe-let me see--" "Never mind," I said, "the '38 edi- tion will do." "Try the reference room. The sec- ond floor, on your right." She nar- rowed her lackluster eyes. I thanked her and walked to the second floor. In the corner of the reference room a plaid-clad matron, heavily powdered, was biting the ear pieces on her tor- toise shell glasses. I straightened my chin and ap- proached her. "I would like to get the 1938 edi- tion of Rudolph von Schnitzer's 'The Biography of a Spanish Oriole.' " "Cloth or leather bound?" "The cloth binding will do." "I'm sorry but that book was bor- rowed and never returned-some French student, I believe-let me see-" "Never mind," I purred, "the leather binding will be fine." The matron pointed her chubby left hand skyward. "All leather bound editions are on the third floor, room 308." I thanked her and scuffed to the third floor. I approached the girl behind the desk in 308 with some misgivings, (Continued on Next Page) "You can't flunk me. I've never been to class!" BRADY'S THE DIXIE THEY DON'T ALLOW. (continued from page 17 ) but tossed them aside when she greeted me. "Hello. May I help you?" "Yes. I would like to get the 1938, leather-bound edition of Rudolph von Schmitzer's 'The Biography of a Span- ish Oriole.' " "That edition is in two volumes. Do you want both of them?" "No. Volume one will be okay." "I'm sorry but that volume was borrowed and never returned-some Swedish student, I believe-let me see-" "Never mind," I moaned, "volume two will do." She tapped her pencil rhythmically on the desk. "The Missing Volumes Room is on the fourth floor, first corridor on your left." I thanked her and stomped to the fourth floor. My lips were wet with perspiration as I rushed up to the lady standing near the desk. She was tall and thin and weriing a green visor over her graying hair. With her right hand she was making mad red pencil scratches in a notebook. I talked for fifteen minutes before I discovered she was deaf. I nudged her with my elbow. "Yes?" she bellowed. "I would like to get Volume 2, 1938, leather-bound edition of Ru- dolph van Schnitzer's 'The Biography of a Spanish Oriole.' " I issued my request two more times before she scurried over to the card file. "I'm sorry but that book was just borrowed, by a Spanish student, I be- lieve-let me see-" "Never mind," I wailed, "I'll settle for the 'Baltimore Oriole.' " "You say you're leaving-for Balti- more?" she asked. "Yes." She smiled blandly. "Oh, that will be nice. They have orioles there, you know." -JACK A. MILLER. Swami's Side Slappers "You wrote a policy on a 92 year old man?" gasped the insurance branch manager. "Sure," replied the elated salesman. "Our statistics show that few men die after 92." "Did anyone ever tell you that your figure is divine, your voice is sweet music, your lips enticing, your hair spun gold and that you have the soul of an angel?" "No." "Then where the devil did you get the idea?" Drunk (on phone): "Ish thish Spruce tree, tree, tree? Voice: "No, this is Walnut fir, fir, fir." Drunk: "Sorry, wrong number." The newcomer placed his hand on the shoulder of the convict ahead of him and began the rhythmic lock- step back to the cell block. He leaned forward and whispered to the tired convict ahead. "Is this all there is to this rock splitting job?" "Ain't fourteen hours a day enough?" "Nothing to it." "Seven days a week of it! Bad food, rotten beds!" "It's a cinch." "Say, where did you come from?" "Missouri University." * *i 4* "Why, I'm sorry to hear that. How did your brother die?" "He fell through some scaffold- ing." "What was he doing up there?" "Being hanged." the CAMPUS CLUB The Blue Shop The Parking Problem. At Midget Al the other drvers cure. He parks his ty whil they shift to reersl Joe and his scooter need no parking space, They emry emd eher froe plus to piol uphe" Fred says thems always room for me, He learned to drive in the Army Tank Corps! The Terror of Jesse is "Mo long Pete, He guards his dmau wih his ilte tm wet Financing the city are the traffic men, With yellow paint, signs, and a Parker pen! Swami's Side-Slappers Victim (to thug with blackjack): "Surely you aren't going to rob me?" Thug: "Oh, no. Me pardner around the corner does that. Hold still- I only give the anesthetic." The farmer was driving his college- bred daughter home from the station. "I have a confession to make," she whispered. "I ain't a good girl any more." The old man's head dropped. "After all the sacrifices your mother and I made for you, the things we went without all to make a lady of you- and you still say ain't." "I thought you said that girl's legs were without equal." "No, I said they were without parallel." It was getting on into the wee hours. With a great show of cour- age and virtue she asked; "When are you going to drive back to town and take me home?" He: "As soon as you say the word." She: "Then let's go home." He: "That's not the word." "We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car. * * * A young married woman wanted her new maid to be pleased with her new position. "You'll have a very good time of it here," she explained, "because we have no children to an- noy you." "Oh," said the girl, generously, "I'se very fond of children, so don't go restricting yourself on my ac- count." KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER Modem Litho-Print Company The Bitterest People "Wh do people keep ritingt me nasty letters?- can t understand it. "You don't know how tough it is, beinga fth ester freshman."smester "I didn't want t College, but list "I study and study and study, but the professors don't under. stand me." "All boys are the same-none of them care for a girl who has virtue." "Who in Hell do these cops think they are anyway?" on Campus by Herb Green it to go to Christian it nobody would listen." "I suppose you've heard that they send a deficiency report back home." "I'd be a chief now if I hadn't come to this lousy University." "You mean to say finals are NEXT week." "What chane has a uy got if he won't lower uhimsf to if teacher's pet.- a "I hate to say this, but the records show you are deficient in Chemistry II." ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE TIGER Swami's Side-Slapper s Boss: "Ellen, who told you that you could neglect your office duties iust because I give you a kiss now and then?" Ellen: "My lawyer." "Gimme a kiss like a good girl." "All right, but if I give you one like a naughty girl you'll like it better." Little Wilbur was walking his girl home after school. Both were eight years old. "Margie," said Wilbur, fervently, "you're the first girl I have ever loved." "Just my luck," she snapped. "Again I've drawn an amateur." George: "I'm a bit worried about my wife. he was talking in her sleep and saying, 'No, Frank; no, Frank'." Joe: "Well, what are you worried about? She said 'No,' didn't she?" He gazed admiringly at the chorine's costume. "Who made her dress?" he asked his companion. "I'm not sure," came the reply, "but I imagine it was the police." A reticent Swede went to see his girl friend one night. They sat in the parlor in complete silence for about an hour when suddenly Olaf said, "Helga, will you marry me?" She immediately said "Yes." They sat in silerice for another hour and finally Helga said, "Olaf, why don't you say something?" Olaf replied, "I tank I talk too much already." Edgar's Maytag Gibson's Apparel The Final Exam Scheme How a beautiful friendship was turned to bitter- ness in a desperate attempt to pass a final exam. ./AVING SAT side by side in every class we'd taken during our numerous semesters at the brain fac- tory, we three knew one another intimately. Our names? Dens, Dent, and Denu-but our fribnds called us simply Schmoo, Stu, and Sue. What a combination! Many are the hours we guzzled away together in smoke-filled bristos. Many are the Hink parties we blanketed. Many are the dances we crashed. But, as I say, we also wasted long hours in class. And that's where the trouble started-the trouble that eventually split us like atoms and made us bitter enemies to this day. The real villain, however, was Pro- fessor Isle Eatchuop, a vile, muscular man who, it is rumored, was a men- thol inhaler addict. Professor Eatchuop taught only one course during his short stay at the university. He disappeared within six months, later hitting the head- lines in connection with a scandalous affaire involving an Afghanistan rug- maker's daughter. Anyway, the good professor taught Sanskrit 411-412. It really wasn't so bad, though, be- cause the class was at night in the basement of Jesse, ideal for sleeping --and after his first few growls and backhands, Eatchuop would lose inter- est and go back to his sniffing. However, late in the semester he electrified the class by announcing that he would give a 16-hour final examination on the history and prin- ciples of Sanskrit and that the exam grades would be the sole basis for determining the grade for the course. Naturally, the class broke up in bedlam. Two students ran out and threw themselves in front of speeding taxis. Another went berserk and could speak nothing but Sanskrit. Schmoo, Sue, and I somehow man- aged to retain our self control. Calmly we trudged over to the nea-est pub for a few bracers. It was there we drew up Operation Final on the back of a beer bottle label. The plan was simple enough. We were to try a three-pronged attack in an effort to confiscate the exam ques- tions before test time. Should that fail, we were to co-operate to the ut- most during the exam, exchanging ponies, textbooks, test papers, and notes. Despite our efforts, the three- pronged attack failed miserably. First of all, Schmoo visited Pro- fessor Eatchuop's apartment in the guise of a laundryman. He had hopes of snitching the test while the good professor dug out his dirty clothes. However, he was met at the door and beaten to a pulp. Seems as if Eatchuop had a personal grudge against laundrymen ever since one carried off his first wife in a laundry bag. A few days later the abductor had sent back the clothes (Continued on Page 29) "My, my-you're the first one's at school today. Aren't teacher's little pupils industrious." Missouri Showme Reports: On a Bitter Columbian WE HAD just flunked our third hour quiz in a row and were coming out of Jesse feeling pretty ill-natured about the whole thing when we bumped into our man, Swami, while trying to squeeze through the re- volving door. "Why don't you look where in the hell you're going?" we snarled. "Hey," he answered, "you look all out of sorts and riled up. Tell you what, I know just the guy for you to see. If you think you're bitter, go on over and see Fats Semple, the bitterest man in town. He's an engi- neer over at KFRU, and is always griping. Just watching him be bitter always cheers people up." So, having nothing to do we strolled over to Hickman Arch later that day and found Fats in KFRU's office which is, by the way, right next to Dean Prunty's, the Stephens dean of blackball fame. When we entered we found Fats be- hind a desk which was facing the broadcasting booth. He was extreme- ly rushed and turned from the turn- tables at his elbow to a nearby type- writer and started to type furiously. He stopped typing, grabbed a record just in time, stuck it on the other turntable, stopped the first one, and went back to his typing. Finally he stopped and looked at us with annoyance. "What do you want?" he snarled. "Swami sent us over," we said, "just for a Showme interview." "Don't want anything to do with Swami or Showme," he growled, stop- (Continued on Next Page) H.R. Mueller Florist Brown Derby "What's his story?" ping the record and turning the air- waves over to the announcer. He turned and typed some more. Then he looked up and spotted us. "Oh, still here, eh? Go away." We were overjoyed. It appeared that we really had picked the bitter- est man in town. "Oh come on, Fats, give us a story. Tell us your gripes. What records don't you like the most?" He smiled happily. "Don't care for any records-not the so-called popular stuff anyhow. After you hear them four-thousand times you have a belly-full, and soon one sounds like another. "My main gripe right now," he went went on, "is about outfits that have twelve-thirty shows and keep me up an hour later." "Well," we said, "that was last year, this year we aren't on the air." "You mean Gravel-voiced Gertie (Pete Mayer) couldn't sell the show?" We winced at the insult to our cap- able publicity director. "Well, Fats, don't you get sore at this little room, cramped up in Hick- man Arch the way you are, between- the-devil-and-Central Dairy, as it were?" "Naw, soon we'll be moving out to the highway where we'll have a new modern place. As a matter of fact my main worry now is that the log book has mixed up Sky King and Jack Armstrong and has one where the other should be. If I find the half-wit that did that there'll be trouble. Fats smiled genially and turned on a tape recorder which started to re- broadcast a shoppers program. The annuoncer, Bill Styles, stepped out of his booth and matched dimes with Fats to see who would pay for the cokes. "Styles lost and left. Fats chuckled merrily. "No, I'm happy," he said. "My main job really is to handle the spot announcements and see that they're broadcast at the right times, keep the station log, and handle the micro- phones for the announcers. I only work twelve-and-a-half hours a day and have a fine time. Why should I gripe? Just to keep up my reputa- tion?" We left, feeling bitter about Fats' geniality. "A fine way for the bitter- est man in town to act," we groused' to ourselves, as we treaded our way back to civilization." -F. c. S. CHAMBER'S Tire Store Charm Cottage "Go to father, she said, When I asked her to wed. But she knew that I knew That her father was dead; And she knew that I knew The life he had led. She knew that I knew What she meant when she said: "Go to father." -T. M. N. A. WRECKING NECKING Upstairs, she make herself look swell As with her clothes she fussed, Knowing, knowing oh-so-well That later they'd be mussed. DONN. Beautiful girls are not so dumb, They play around til husbands come; While we with brains and stouter hearts Pursue our bachelor of Arts. -PENNY. FRUSTRATION I will snot scream, I'll use restraint, The fly is here . . The swatter ain't! 28 Lafter Thoughts Don't sue boys for libel Who have memorized this bible: Man was meant to be Lecherous and lewd; Girls were meant to be Treacherous and-shrewd. -DONN. *** Farewell, to bar and revelry, Farewell, I indulge no more. Drink, look your last at me, For you I no longer adore. Wrinkles grow upon my brow, And my throat has dried, But the ingrediants of a cow Will keep me satisfied. SHACKSPEARE. JESSE: Jesse is a hall, Jesse is a Wrench; Jesse is a building Surrounded by a bench. Jesse has a beard, Jesse's walls are bent; Let's tear down old Jesse, And make Jesse president. G. T. S. "Don't worry, we'll make it before 11 - - we're doing 60 nowl" THE FINAL EXAM. (continued from page 25) his wife had been wearing, freshly washed and ironed, with a bill for services rendered. I suffered, too, in my attempt to steal the test. Disguised as the head of the language department, I -called on the professor and asked to see the test. He was completely duped until I stroked my goatee. As the whiskers came off in my hand, he bellowed like a water buffalo and snatched the paper from my hands. In despair, I watched him tear it into confetti, swallow the bits, and down them with two quarts of menthol. I left sob- bing. He hadn't even offered me a drink. Sue, relying on her effective sex appeal, was slightly more successful. She broke into Eatchuop's apartment one afternoon while he was out prun- ing trees. After cooking him a won- derful steak dinner, she broke open a bottle of wine which matched her negligee. Good old Sue. Anything for the cause. The professor arrived. He looked at the food and snorted. He hated steak. He looked at the wine and heaved. He couldn't stand wine. He looked at Sue. Good old Sue. Even so, Eatchuop refused to di- vulge the exam questions. Came the fatal day and still we had no hint of what the questions would be. Bracing ourselves, we filed into the room, armed with the latest cribbing devices. The good professor awaited us be- (continued next page) EAT SHOP TIGER HOTEL BARBER SHOP Stag Beer Announcing Showme's Queen Contest Sponsored by the Sheraton Hotel, St. Louis All organized women's houses of the University will soon be informed of eliminations to be held February 8, to select five candidates for the Showme Queen Con- test. Each house may enter two girls. Finalists will be chosen by the following judgess J. Winston Martin, S.G.A. President Bob Clavenna, S.G.A. Vice-President Jim Pasteur, I.M.A. President Two members of SHOWME Staff Pictures of the five finalists will appear in the February issue of Showme, together with the Showme Queen Contest Ballot. Prizes to be awarded by the Sheraton Hotel: 1. A weekend qat tlh Sheraton Hotel for the Queen, one attendant, and a University chaperone. 2. An evening at The Jug in St. Louis. 3. Theatre and sport events tickets. 4. Appearance on a KSD-TV show. 5. A stage appearance at the Fox Theatre in St. Louis. 6. Plus dded prizes to be arn-ounced later. Watch the February issue for pictores of the finalists and the Showme Queen Contest Ballot. Vote for your Showme Queen 30 hind a six-foot stack of mimeographed sheets. Sneering profusely, he broke up our arm-in-arm seating arrange- ment, placing us in three corners of the room. Then he commanded his boot-licking prompter to frisk each of us. The snivling cur found my Cribber's Delight wrist watch, note- covered saddle oxfords, and box of Kleenex. I had worked for weeks typ- ing an outline of a couple of text- books on the individual Kleenexes and stuffing them back in the box. From Schmoo he took a hand mirror and a belt containing conjugations of every major Sanskirt verb. Then he searched Sue. He searched and searched and searched. Finally she slapped him. He retired, taking with him her note-embroideried stockings, Cribber's Compact, X-ray glasses, and a few liberties. Professor Eatchuop grinned sadisti- cally. "Now, class, I think we can begin," he slobbered, handing each person 146 single-spaced typewritten mimeo- graphed sheets. Well, you can guess the rest. We three stared at the questions a few minutes, tore them to bits, and crawled out the door. Schmoo and I flunked. Sue got an E. We hate her guts. She ignores us and spends her time mixing with loose- moraled Phi Beta Kappas. Schmoo won't speak to me. He thinks it's all my fault because we didn't get our hands on the questions. But really, now, anyone can see that Schmoo is really to blame. After all, it was his stupid laundryman episode that blasted Operation Final at the outset. And furthermore- Hey! Watcha walking away for? Hey! Come back here! You haven't heard the half of it. . HEY! STU DENT. The Last of the Really Bitter Perhaps only the rapidly depleting veterans djan be called 'bitter.' This interview may prove it. ACCORDING to most sources, the age of the veteran has passed on college campuses. In view of this fact we decided to interview one of the vanishing class-one of those un- shaven, serious-faced warriors in faded dungarees and battered sun ran-the last of the bitter veterans who set a" n.w collegiate standard with their maturity. I went to the home of Joe Q. Kil- roy, class of '50, a future leader of our nation. The landlady led me to his room and opened the door. I stared at the symbol of a soon-to- me-forgotten age. He was spread out over his bunk idly flipping a yo-yo. One shoe dangled loosely from his left foot. The other shoe was standing at a rakish angle atop a pile of soiled laundry, which sat atop a stack of comic books. A roach raced franti- cally across the floor as I stepped into the room. "Yeah?" said the unshaven warrior, shifting his bubble gum to the other side of his mouth. "Are you Joe Q. Kilroy?" I asked with no little feeling of awe. "Why?" A dangerous look en- tered his eyes as he executed a double spin with the yo-yo. "I would like to interview you." "For the Sadurday Evenin' Post," he said brightly. "The Showme." "Hawr." He belched loudly and pulled a box of animal crackers from beneath his blanket. "You are the symbol of a passing age," I ventured. "Yeah?" He seemed mildly in- terested. "Listen, kid, I ain't so damn old. They got one guy here who's. . . ." "No, I mean era, a passing era. He considered me for a moment, then picked up a battered dictionary from the floor and leafed through it. After , moment he said, "How do-yon spell it?" "Era," I said, "E-R-A." He plunged his nose into the book. The yo-yo dropped to the floor; a small cloud of dust arose. "Is that in the past-particular or p r e s e n t-perfect subtensive?" he mouthed from within the book. This confused me somewhat. I de- cided to try a new' angle. "All the papers say you have set a new standard for college students." "Yeah," he said gaily, discarding the dictionary, "Baggy pants, T-shirts, new words, sex." He giggled de- lightedly and blew a magnificent bubble. "No, I mean you have set a new standard of grades." (continued next page) THE BOWLING PALACE Golden Campus HOUSE BEAUTIFUL He stared at me rather vaguely. "Grades," he said wistfully. "Damn near made an M-plus in History of the Motion Picture, but that last Mickey Mouse stumped me." He frowned deeply and made a smacking souqd with the bubble gum. You study more conscientiously," I said, quickly adding, "Harder." "Oh, no doubt about it." He reached for a book. "Take this course in Epic America. . ." The book made a sharp cracking sound as he opened it." . . .Take this course in Insect Morphology," he said, hastily reaching for another book. "You have set a new standard," I interrupted. "You're more serious." "Yeah." He hurled himself out of bed, executing a black-flip and com- ing to rest on the floor with his feet resting against a small tinker-toy bridge. "Wanna hear a war story? There I was at 5000 feet without a. . . ." "Is there anything you would like to say to the new era of students?" I said hastily. He glared at me. "E-R-A," I said, "It means age." "Yeah," he snorted, "Don't take Econ 51. What a lousy class." "But as a future leader of our country, don't you think that eco- nomics will be an invaluable aid?" He seemed to consider my state- ment for a moment. A serious look tightened his features. "There I was at 5000 feet . ." (Continued on Page 34) "We have one more sorority sisiter-but, we don't talk about her . ." filched "Just don't stand there-get a plunger!" PRINCETON TIGER 33 Esser Drug THE LAST. (continued from page 3 2) "What classes did you like?" I began edging toward the door. "Well, take History of Costume," he said. "Now, there was a class. Should have seen the broad that sat next to me. Man, what a hunk of woman.- Talk about stacked, boy!" A large bubble issued from his mouth. "Your country is proud of your accomplishments," I said, somewhat reluctantly. "Sure," he sniffed, "Who else would spend four years developing a system of living on seventy-five a month?" He began pulling pieces from the tinker-toy bridge. "Your monumental achievements are a tribute to the integrity of the nation and the intellectual magnitude of your generation," I quoted from an article. He stared at me. "What the hell ever happened to Tripod?" he mused. He picked up a comic book and began thartbing through it. "Talk about stacked," he whispered to a drawing. "As a future leader of the nation, what particular business do you in- tend to enter, Mr. Kilroy," I asked, reaching for the door. "I got a buddy in Port Huron that owns a tavern," he said. "Thank you very much, Mr. Kil- roy, and good luck." "There I was at 5000 feet without a. . . . I closed the door on an era . . that's E-R-A. --G. T. S. The Den Girl of the Month... PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES' CHARLENE GROSSMAN Senior in Arts and Science . . . President and ex-Vice President of Women's Panhellenic Council . Associated Women Student Council . . . Secretary of Inter-American Club . . . Sigma Delta Pi, Spanish honorary . . . Ex-President, Secretary, Rush Captain of Phi Sigma Sigma . . . 1949 Fanfare for 50 . . . Who's Who in American Universities . 20 . Kansas City, Missouri. 36 Boy of the Month... PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES' JOHN LARBERG Senior in Arts and Science . President of Alpha Phi Omega, national service fraternity . . Omicron Delta Kappa, leadership honorary . . . Phi Beta Kappa . . . Publicity Director of Independent Men's Association . .Student Govern- ment Association Council . . . Alpha Pi Zeta, social science honorary . . . Athenaean Society . . . International Relations Club . . . Tiger Claws . . . YMCA. 20 . Kansas City, Missouri. 37 Switzer's Licorice Chesterfield Cigarettes Jimmie's donn's corner IN A BUSY world such as ours we have no time to spend too much time reading, so someone devised the various digest magazines: Readers' Di- gest, Writers' Digest, 'Rithmetics' Di- gest, and the latest of all digest maga- zines, Dig-! Well, I've been reading these for quite a while and I think the editors do a fairly nice job of con- densing over-long material for quick reading, but they haven't gone far enough. Now, under my system of conden- sation, only the basic idea is presented to the reader. Such a system is guar- anteed to increase reading speed over one thousand times. Unbelievable? Yes, but practical. Let's compare my method with the common one used today: Original sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy black dog. (I've used a common sentence to make the illustration extremely simple. In reality, any sentence could be used.) Digested sentence: The fox jumped over the dog. (That's the way Read- ers' Digest would handle it and it's all well and good. The colors and CHESTERFIELD CONTEST Please mail your entry to this month's contest and be sure to in- clude a Chesterfield wrapper. The ten bearing the earliest postmark will get the Chesterfields. Ad- dress: Showme, 304 Read Hall, Columbia. LAST MONTH'S WINNERS Marlene Gentle Joan Mackey Jean Shanley R. H. Davidson Bill Eskin Sherman Naidorf Robert Franz Arthur Gelphman James Haring Judy Brown Winners should report to 303 Read Hall for their Chesterfield Carton. characteristics of the fox and dog are relatively unimportant and you have a nice complete sentence. But now, look at my method:) New Digested Sentence: Over. You might have to study that for a minute, but I'm sure it will come to you. Look, what's the idea of the sentence? Right! A fox jumped over a dog! He didn't go under or around, but over. Therefore, with the one word over, I've given the whole idea. If you think about that for a while, you'll come to the conclusion that only a fox could have jumped over a dog. It's all so obvious. 'You think my idea won't work in all cases? Nonsense! Here's a my- stery 'noyel that I condensed from three hundred pages to one para- graph: Detective. Blonde. Murder. Suspects, Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh- uh. Uh-huh! Bang! Crime does not pay. Clinch. Now just look at all the time I've saved you. This article could have been condensed in the same fashion and you would have saved exactly fifty-nine and six-eights seconds. You could have saved an entire minute by not reading it at all. -DONN. Once upon a time there was a boy penguin and a girl penguin who met at the Equator. After a brief but charming interlude, the boy penguin went 0d the North Pole; the girl penguin went to the South Pole. Later on, a telegram arrive at the North Pole, stating simply: "Come quick-I am with Byrd." Missouri Showme SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS DON L. SMALL'S CAMPUS BEAUTY SHOP ERNIE'S Swami's Side-Slappers He: "Since I met you, I can't eat; I can't sleep; I can't drink; I can't smoke." She (coyly): "Why?" He: "I'm broke." She: What are you thinking of? He: The same thing you are. She: Goodness, if you do anything like tha I'll scream. And then there was the moron who took his clock to bed with him be- cause he heard it was fast. *. *. . Grandpappy Coy, a hillbilly of the Ozarks, had wandered off into the woods and failed to return for supper, so young Tolliver was sent to look for him. He found him standing in the bushes. "Getting dark, grandpap," the tot ventured. "Yep." "Suppertime, grandpap." "Yep." "Ain't ye hungry?" "Nope." "Well, why ain't ye?" "Standin' in a b'ar trap." Co-ed: Is it true you fraternity boys are interested only in wine, women, and song? Fraternity boy: Aw, we don't sing so much. * * He rounded the bend at close to 40. A sudden skid and the car overturned. They found themselves sitting to- gether, unhurt, alongside the com- pletely smashed car. He put a pro- tecting arm about her waist, but she drew. away from him. "It's all very nice,," she sighed, "but wouldn't it have been easier to run out of gas?" Jerrymandering with Jerry Smith THE OTHER DAY I am sitting in the shack partaking of a stale glass of foam which someone has left on the table when all my friends, Sigma Al; Cornfed Sylow, the ag student; Legal Graft, the B.P.A. student; Slide Rhule, the engineer; Nosey Eversharp, the J-school student; Madden Burnd- up, the Ex-G. I.; and all the rest, pop in and inform me that I will no longer write this Jerrymandering stuff for Showme. It seems that I am be- ing raised in position on this rag. From now on I will write the astericks between the jokes, a very important position. This means that I will no longer be able to become bitter every month about the things that happen to my friends on the campus. Therefore, for the benefit of them and all the rest of the p'eople, who read this stuff (there must be some), this month I am devoting the column to my bitter dictionary, which contains enough gripes for a few years. This thing is not to be confused with dictionarys by Dr. John's son or Mariam Webster. Jerry Smith's Bitter Dictionary All School Dance: An event spon- sored by an Anti-dancing Organiza- tion and local laundries; usually at- tended by five hundred students, eight hundred chaperones and fire depart- ments from six counties. Bengalair: Free love with individual booths. Blind Date: You wouldn't have done such a thing to a friend of yours. Blue Campus: Two hundred Kleenex boxes containing a profusion of con- fusion and a resplendence of inde- pendence. Classes: You don't know, we don't know, but the instructor is a good actor. Bursars Office: An information bureau that is able to tell the student where he might be able to get in- formation, sometimes. Columbia Missourian: A daily almanac containing little known facts and little cared for incidents. Two hun- dred p6lice reporters and an agree- ment with the Star. Columbia Police: Seven hundred gal- lons of yellow paint, 5000 boxes of soft lead pencils, and thirty union sign painters with a board of directors. Columbia Streets: A scale model of the Rocky Mountains with half a dozen replicas of Grand Canyon. Crowder Hall: Where they only allow dogs to enter on Wednesday and serve hamburger on Thursday. Essay Question: A subjective form of testing whereby the student is allowed to express the instructor's opinion in his own words. Exchange Dinner: The best reason for not having exchange dinners. E: A grade reserved for people who come from the house with the best files. F: A weapon employed to rid the school of people who know more than the instructor. A sure sign of success. Finals: When a smart friend who looks like you spends three hours in the house files. 1: A grade used to frighten students at mid-semester. (Continued on Next Page) "Gold, Gold, GOLD! Where the hell's all this uranium they're talkin' about." 41 CHARLIE'S RANCH HOUSE Jesse Hall: The place voted most likely to arouse the citizens with a fire disaster; the shrine of people with a chip on their shoulder. Library: The largest social organiza- tion on the campus-with debates and date bureau in the hall. Lecturer: 160 to 220 pounds of com- pressed steam with a profound knowl- edge of archaic terms. M: A grade which nobody wants but everybody will settle for; usually given to people who study. Negative Hours: A device whereby the non-teaching faculty gets the choice seats on trains and busses. New Student Union: The most ex- pensive practical joke in history; "How Wormy Is Thy Foundation"; Building castles on the Rhine; No comment; etc. Pornographic: A term used as an ad- jective whenever reference is made to the local humor magazine-including ads and page number. Prerequsites: An unwritten law whereby anr influential instructor sells his text book. S: The grade given to friends of the grader. Sex: An idea that the faculty doesn't want the students to practise; a practise that the students don't want the faculty to have any idea of. Sidewalks: A long strip of cement devoted to bull sessions, forums and hen parties; defended by females as private property. Stephens: Fifty million dollars, one thousand girls, and seven hundred and sixty-two rules; an institution of higher earning. Student: Mr. Arbuthnot's weekly. Text Book: A technical novel writ- ten by an instructor who had to quit -teaching because no one could under- stand him. Transfer Student: Someone who has gone to a much better university in a much better town and has a much better education; also means the same thing as a J-school student. University: A professional organiza- tion backing a football team. Jerrymandering: Which epds right here. It's been reall THE END ". . And I refuse to take any more of your lip." Here's adlice to those who fear that They may be Jack-Hornered: Those who always talk in circles Never do get cornered. -PENNY. A vacation consists of 2 weeks which are 2 short, after which you're 2 tirer 2 return 2 work and 2 broke not 2. I feel like I've taken an anasthetic- spinal, At the end of a lengthy three-hour final. -DONN. . * And then there is the fairminded type of girl who believes in a 50-50 proposition, give and take-you give, I take. A man went to the doctor, his ear torn and bleeding. "I bit myself," he explained. "That's impossible," said the doc- tor. "How can a man bite himself in the ear?" The man said, "I was standing on a chair." Lafter Thoughts SUNTAN A rosy glow A wonderful feeling, Everything's fine ''Til you start peeling! DONN. From sheer force of habit The ladies in ermine Regard us in rabbit As myriad vermin. -PENNY. Two pigeons were sitting discus- sing this-and-that one day, when a foreign pigeon alighted and minced toward them. "Get a load of that," exclaimed one of the natives to the other, "That pigeon is walking people-toed." I am no match, Alas, for her Who hides a scratch Beneath a purr. --PENNY. "I want to report a fraternity dice game." 43 Missouri Showme Contributors' Page Beech-Nut Gum Bob Summers PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO We have a celebrity in our midst. The illustrious Mr. Robert Summers received his Bachelor of Journalism from the University in 1947. Fol- lowing that, he was Director of Public Relations at Kemper Military Academy and then Director of Public Relations for the'American Association of Jun- ior Colleges. (Impressive as all hell, huh?) One may think it degrading to work for Showme after holding such distinguished positions, but not so with Bob. He has returned to the Uni- versity as a graduate assistant in jour- nalism, and next semester he becomes Showme's co-advertising director along with Keith Hershey. He sold ads for us as far back as 1942, and considers this lofty position a long- awaited reward. Herb Knapp The "Nap" which appears on some of our cartoons belongs to Herb Knapp. The tall, Pi KA pledge, just came to us this Fall, and he is a tjpi- cal Showme staff member-good look- ing, clever, and unshaven. It seems that most of our artists are always majoring in everything but art. Herb has chosen history for his major because "It's easy." Maybe he thought it was a snap at Kansas City Junior College, where he went last year, but just wait until 'Recent U. S.'- grabs him. In the meantime, he's minoring in art and turning out his own style of cartoons. Bob Skole We inaugurated the Showme Story Contest with the hope that we would discover some new writing talent on the campus. Our result-Bob Skole. One of the major pastimes of the pride of Pittsfield, Mass., is discover- ing new ways of making easy money. The most profitable of these ways turned out to be the "Lid", our first and only prize winner. Bob followed this with a Christmas story, and we expect tb see more of his work in Showme in the near future. Other pastimes of "Little Boston" are practising his last name, which he does with gusto at every staff meeting; exploiting date possibilities -with negative results at the latest word; and fighting with his instruc- tors. All of which makes him the perfect addition to our writing staff. Bob is 21, a transfer student from the University of Massachusetts at Devens, an expectant J-school stu- dent, and a member of I.M.A. His greatest ambition is to meet a nice town girl (write c/o Showme office). PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO Savitar Chesterfield Cigarettes