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Missouri Showme March, 1950; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1950

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Missouri Showme March 1950 25 cents Queen Issue Camel Cigarettes Pucketts The STEIN CLUB SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS Letters to Showme Dear Editor: I go to P.U. and a friend of mine subscribes to SHOWME and when no one is looking I happen to smuggle a copy in my room. I have been an ardent ad- mirer . . . its' tops on my list. You had an error in your Jan. issue. On page 19 you loused up a joke. The punch line is supposed to be: DRUNK "Shorry, wrong lumber." By the way, don't forget to stick this letter in your next is- sue. I can use the publicity. Your Slave Jeanne Koven Purdue University we'll do anything to please a reader, Jeanne, especially one who can figure out gag lines for our jokes.-Ed. Dear Editor: Congrats from a fellow suffer- er to you and your art editor for maintaining a very well-organiz- ed magazine. During the past couple years I have been privi- leged to read SHOWME free gratis. Enclosed is a money order for the requisite amount so I can have a monthly ecstasy very per- sonally mine. Than' kyou. Stan Bennett Art Editor San Jose LYKE And the same to you, Stan-Ed. Dear Editor: If I knew who was editor I could be a bit less formal as I have probably been on speaking terms with that person. Be that as it may, I wish, by means of this note, to apply for your hitherto unexcelled pub- lication. Perhaps there is yet time to send the first issues of the se- mester. Art Berliner Truly New York, N.Y. The name's Jerry, Art, and the readers, bless them, haven't left us any old copies.-Ed. Dear Editor: I think that SHOWME is one of the best humor magazines I've read. I hope it isn't too late to get a subscription for the remainder of this semester. I've really missed reading it since my 'Stephens Days.' Doris Luedthe University of Wise. Dear Editor: After reading several exchange copies of the magazine, I realize life at Colorado wouldn't be com- plete unless I owned my own copies. Thanks again for showing how good a top humor magazine can be. Judy Klawans University of Colorado Well, Gee whiz, thanks.-Ed. CAMPUS JEWELERS "Two to one she wears her new formal from Julies." The Novus Shop Editor's Ego THIS ISSUE marks a radical change in SHOWME'S make-up. Previously we have always had our type set in Kansas City, while the magazine was printed in Jefferson City. For the last few month our printer has been pre- paring a linotype, which is, at last, ready. So, from now on, our type will be set where the magazine is printed and we're looking for- ward to an easier job and a later deadline. Perhaps you have already no- ticed that our body type is new. We have changed from a nine point Garamond to a ten point Excelsior-a much better type face in our estimation. There will be other noticeable changes throughout the magazine- changes which we hope will please the reader as much as they have satisfied us. After hitting a peak circulation of 6500 last month, SHOWME re- turns to 6000 this month-an a- mount which we consider to be our saturation point, and, I might add, a high saturation point. We have had excellent support from our readers this year. We're happy to announce that SHOWME has been awarded an All-American Rating for 1949- that's tops in the country. We're pretty proud of it and hope you will be, too. Next month we're going to toss a batch of hallucinations and neurosis at the campus with the INSANITY ISSUE, which we have been planning for some time. Keep your eyes open-anything's liable to happen between now and then. Jerry Queen Issue Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents Fiction The Queen of Shakespeare Court ------ 14 A Change of Reels -------------- 20 The Noise Expert ----- --------- 30 The Skole Poll ------------------- 34 Features The Queen -------------------------- 16 Center Spread --------------------- 24 Lafter Thoughts -------------------- 29 Filched ------------------------ 41 Wheels on Campus ------------------- 43 Departments Letters --------------------------- 2 Editor's Ego --------------------------- 4 Around the Columns ------------------ 7 Candidly Mizzou -------------------- 10 Headline Hash --------------------- 32 Swami Reports ------------------- - 38 Dunn's Dungeon ------------------- 45 Contributors Page ----------------- - 48 COVER BY NICK BOVA Editor-in-Chief Jerry Smith Associate Editors Jerry Rees Sinclair Rogers Business Manager William Herr Advertising Directors Keith Hershey Bob Summers Art Editor Glenn Troelstrup Joke Editor Bill Chandler Publicity Director Pete Mayer Circulation Managers Homer Ball Alan Ebner Sales Manager Jim Higgins Business Secretary Carolyn Lipshy Exchange Secretary Mary Ann Fleming Proof Reader Audrey Giesy Art: Pat Bauman, Nick Boca, C. J. Cherry, Herb Green, Pat Kil- patrick, Herb Knapp, Tom Ware. Photos: K. K. Nevar, Jack Organ. Advertising: Walter Cliffe, Don Garber, Dude Haley, Dick Mackey, Maryanne Meyer, Fran Ware. Features: Stu Dent, Don Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, P. D. Smith. Publicity: Francine Bailys, Cole- man Breece, Bill Franklin, Doris Gordon, Babe Grimes, Lloyd Hellman, Arnie Roooff, Arline Rosenfeld, Fred Seidner, Mar- shall Seigel. Circulation: Bill Alexander, Jim Golt, Bob Herman, Jerry James, Harold Wiley. Volume 27 March, 1950 Number 7 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copy- rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts may be sent by mail or delivered to the office. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 East 42nd St., New York, N. Y. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a MEMBER copy, $2.75 by mail. Office Hours: 2 to 4 p.m., Monday MEMBER through Friday, 304 Read Hall. 5 AS LONG as there's a sprig of ivy, A column and a gothic tower; As long as there's a man to vote, There'll always be a queen in power. 6 Around the Columns Overheard In Read Hall: "Vote, vote, vo'e. there's more people running for things than there are voting!" March The month that will go down in history . . as the month that we stopped writing this thing . . which we doubt that anyone . . ever reads . . . anyway . . . and if you don't. read this. you will never. . know the differ- ence. but if you do . and you like it. you can give us. hell . and if you don't. you can thank us. if you don't give a a . damn. then we don't eith- er. Have you ever. tried to describe. each month. for a- bout two hundred words?. It's difficult. we don't enjoy it. but we're really enjoying. this .Looks just like. the old stuff .doesn't it? . .Ha, ha. we wonder. how many people. will think it is. They will. . pass it up.just like they do ev- ery month. .and they'll never know. but you know. and we know. and the rest of the staff. .had better mention it. or we'll know. that they. don't read the magazine. won't we?. next month. we'll do something else . in this spot. March. the month. Old New Yorker We read an interesting article in the ST. LOUIS POST-DIS- PATCH concerning the NEW YORKER. Seems that the king magazine is celebrating its twen- ty-fifth anniversary. (We feel a little smug because this year will mark SHOWME'S thirieth.) Anyway, we were more than interested in editor Ross' state- ment as to how the NEW YORK- ER was started. He said that he had been discussing a possible funny series with a syndicate man and the man told him, "Don't make it high brow. Best humor we've had was writen by 0.0. Mc Intyre." According to Mr. Ross that made him decide to start his own mag. We don't know whether to be mad or not-O. O. McIntyre was the man who started SHOW- ME. Phooey on you, Ross. Hoo Ray The government is really going to protect us from the Atomic bomb (or H-Bomb, as it may be). They are training a group of vol- unteer atomic ray 'spotters'. These people will learn how to detect the rays resulting from an atomic blast. O.K., Jack, what do you do with them when you find 'em? Ef Bee Eye Every city has its police force. And every city has people who make fun of the police force. We're the people in Columbia. We make fun of the cops, but we did not think what we said was true until we heard this one. A friend of ours was driving out Stewart Road when the back tire gave out. Our friend got out and began the usual ministra- tions. While he was sweating and swearing, a police car pulled up. This conversation followed: Our friend: "Got a flat tire." Cop: "Got a flat tire, huh?" Our friend: "Yep. Flat tire." Cop (after a moment's thought) "What's your name?" This brilliant question leads us to two conclusions. Either flat tires are limited to people with cert in names in Columbia, or the cop expected our friend to say, "My name is Jack Steamroller, and I robbed Brink's." It gets funnier all the time! Last Laugh Perhaps this one belongs in the HEADLINE HASH depart- ment. We sort of felt envious when we read the headline stat- ing that the Christian College Girls were leaving for 'Sunnier Climes'-Florida. But we had hysterics when we read that their return was to be delayed by bad weather. Anyway, we're happy and they're lucky that it wasn't a typhoon. 7 Queens Queens Making fun of queens has be- come almost a cliche in the coil- ege humor field and we try to a- void it. However we can't avoid commenting that the local high schools seem to be trying to outdo us. Of course we're referring to Hickman High. It seems to us that it's carrying things a little too far when they choose the May Queen in the middle of February. First thing you know they'll be booking them years in advance. Of course. Bethany, Okla., takes the cake. The high school stu- dents there walked out because someone kissed the baskeb 11 Queen when she was crowned. The students are backed by their parents. My, my how good can we get? Booze Report Our monthly booze report finds the following oddities. A fellow in Denmark won a bet that he was more corpulent than his oppo- nent. His prize was 100,000 bottles of beer. Not quite so for- tunate was the janitor of a liquor store in Philadelphia. Three rob- bers forced him to drink a fifth of whiskey. He did so-in five minutes. In case anyone is interested in what the D.T.s means, Frank Colby says, "Delirium tremens. It's characterized by ha lucina- tions." And sometimes, we might add, the screaming willies. What Else? The Aussies still remember the American G.I.s. Yes, they do; SMITH'S WEEKLY said so. And guess why they remember us. Sex! Plain old sex. Says SMITH'S, "They never seemed to treat sex as an adven- ture, but more as an acquired habit." Pardon us if our society is showing. They also remember us for beer. "They carried salt around to give our beer a bit of life-our beer, mind you!" Pardon us, there's a draft. With these two points in mind, SHOWME is carefully mapping its strategy for the next war. Im- agine, an overseas mailing list! Peek-a-Boo The peeping-toms have become a new source of revenue in Co- lumbia, but a peeper in Colum- bus, Georgia. is receiving a 'pun- ishment to fit the crime'. Linwood J. Hoffman was caught peeping into the bedroom of U. V. Alligood's home. Now Hoffman is in jail and Alligood is peeping in at him. Alligood is the county jailer. Elementary What do you get when you put two and two together? Listen to this. The Navy has made remark- able strides in rocket power. The big boss says the Navy can't com- plain anymore-no gripes, see. A Japanese astronomer reports a terrific explosion on Mars. What do you get when you put two and two together? The Ad- miral had to go somewhere to blow his stack over the "Big Mo" what wouldn't go. Weather Report Maybe you've been wondering about this mild winter. We have too and that's why we were in- terested in a recent news article concerning this. Acording to a Dr. Mills, we are passing into a "Dark Age." It seems that these ages happen a- bout once every two thousand years. During this time the clim- ate gets progressively warmer and the people progressively laz- ier. So far, he has diagnosed the thing perfectly. This, says Dr. Mills, changes the course of nations. I guess that means we've had it. Now we can prepare ourselves for long siestas, banana farms and tourists. Anyway, one thing is certain. If we want to enjoy some more of those sledding, skating winters, we'll have to live a thousand years. Sounds like a good future for the swimming pool business. Frolic Stuff We couldn't help but appreciate the beauty and spaciousness of the Stephens Auditorium at the Savitar Frolics this year. A very nice place, lush and all that. From our point of view the Frolics went well-the skits were good despits the stringent cen- sorship. Gordon Capes, in our o- pinion, is the funny man of the campus. There were several bad points, cne of which was the obvious poor judgment of the ushers in letting people stand around before the lower entrance doors. Instead of telling the paying customers that the lower section was filled and that there were seats upstairs, the ushers just stood around and looked like ushers. The pre-show show was a com- plete mystery to the balcony cus- tomers since most of that tock place beneath the balcony. And, of course the people in the front rows of the balcony couldn't see very well, so they stood up and prevented the people in the rear from seeing at all. One girl be- came extremely antagonistic when the fellow behind her re- quested that she sit down. But you find that kind everywhere. Feelthy Coal The coal shortage made a big black mark last month. Square dancers in St. Louis were forced to give up the dozy-do, the winter suddenly got cold for many peo- ple, and some cities saw brown- outs. Several enterprising citizens in St. Louis took advantage of the situation and peddled black mar- ket coal-coal with smoke. The city is expecting an invertigation by the KANSAS CITY STAR any day now. Purpleback Party We've been avoiding any men- tion of the Brinks Robbery for some time because we were afraid that those, now immortal, robbers would be caught. However, we've decided to make the plunge. It seems to us that more people admire the thieves than condemn them. We're impartial (though we do envy them the money) and mainly interested in the results of their expedition. One person has suggested that the lucky winners of the biggest jackpot to date come forth and complain because the F.B.I. hasn't listed them among the ten most wanted. The greatest suggestion comes from Congress. It has been rec- commended that each denomina- tion of bills be made a different color. Of course the recomenda- tion was made by a Congress- WOMAN. This, she says, would help solve such robberies. Naturally we see the plot be- hind the entire scheme. With var- ious colored money, a woman could say to her husband, "Oh, no, sweetie, you can't give me a dol- lar because it's brown. I have to have one of those nice pink twen- ties to match my new spring out- fit." Pal Joey March 12th saw the election of representatives to the Supreme Soviet (Parliament). One candi- date not only was nominated for his own Moscow district, but for Leningrad, Kiel, Rigna, Vilna and others. The guys name is Joe-Jce Stalin. Amazing popularity-a- mazing! G. T. S. 9 "Hold still! Hold still! How can I draw you if you don't sit still?" candidly mizzou PHOTO BY SINCLAIR ROGERS HUSTLERS CROWD around the SHOWME voting booth on day the campus voted for our favorite Queen. Others walked the streets-also looking for unwary men who might be tempted or persuaded to vote for their candidate. Washington lobbyists may laugh, but the girls got out the vote. 10 PHOTO BY SINCLAIR ROGERS BEAUTY surrounded by beauty appeared at the S.G.A.-Elliot Lawrence dance. Queen Bev Rotroff flashes a pretty smile for the camera after her crowning by President Middlebush. Other smiles belong to (left to right): Violet Richardson, the Queen's attendant, Helen Forsee, the Queen, Barbara Goode and Sue Coker. PHOTO BY AL PARO HORRIBLE HORTENSE staged a bang-bang-up campaign for SHOWME Queen, demonstrating Al Capone type of vote hustling. Although cute and clever, she lost on a technicality-she only had two votes! Sponsored by a fraternity, Horrible campaigned with parades and leg show skits in frat houses. \\ PHOTO BY RALPH J. WILLIAMSON JACK OF HEARTS, Wayne Bradley, and Prince of Hearts, Sine Rogers, SHOWME staffer, demon- strate abilities after crowning. Had the young lady stepped back, this would have been the photo-of-the- month. PHOTO BY BRUCE GORDON ELMER KLEIN seems to crying for joy as he whips damnyankees from Kansas in mile relay. Man following him appears to be chewing on a candy bar. PHOTO BY GLEN BERG COMPLETE with witches, fairies, munchkins, and other assorted odd creatures, the Kappa Alpha Theta's and the Lambda Chi Alpha's frolicked to a win in the SAVITAR annual. Best performers were Sheren O'Hara, the lady on the right, and Don Murray, the lady on the left. Husky wand-waver is John Kadlec, sometimes football player. 12 photo of the month PHOTO BY BERT McNEIL A BIRTHDAY PRESENT for Sparky was Mizzou's victory over high riding Kansas State. Sparky pretends to buss K-State coach, who tries hard not to cry on Sparky's birthday suit. Puzzled K-State player is wondering "wha' happen' ". Lafferty ponders same question. Maybe Don Stroot knows. 13 The Queen of Shakespeare's Tristam Kosjek wanted some social activities; Beetle belched-Little Lucifer had an idea. DIS PLACE is dead," said Tristam Kosjek, peering over one amazingly large foot at Little Lu- cifer. Litle Lucifer opened one eye slowly and considered his half empty glass of beer. He then o- pened the other eye and consid- ered Tristam's' amazingly large foot which was perched atop the table next to its mate. "Dis place is sure dead," said Tristam. Beetle Spifflic belched loudly. Then he sighed. There was no movement among the three men for some time. Seemingly they were quite tired. Actually they should have been quite tired. They had spent ten hours during the day in hard la- bor at Willy's Auto Clinic (Wil- ly's Garage to everybody but Willy). Willy had worked them exceedingly hard. Willy was that way. The three men should have been quite tired. "Dis place is dead," said Tris- tam Kosjek-quite loudly this time. "Yeah," ventured Little Luci- fer. "Wot we need is some activi- ties," Beetle Spifflic inserted. "Yeah," Little Lucifer agreed. "We need some activity e- vents," said Tristam. with no little effort. He shifted his as- tounding mass of muscle and the chair creaked painfully. "Ain't no reason why us in Shakespeare Court can't have so- cial fun like them top-hats up- town." said Beetle indignantly. Tristam's feet hit the floor with a shuddering crash. Little Lucifer sat up straight. Beetle belched and glanced at Pool, the bartender. Pool grinned and set up three. 14 "Idea," Little Lucifer shouted. "I got an idea." "A social fun idea?" Tristam's face was bright. "We should have a queen," said Little Lucifer. "A queen," echoed Beetle. "Everybody's got a queen," said Tristam. "Us too. We gotta have one." Beetle was joyful. "We can have a party," Tris- tam roared. "Sure, we gotta get a snazzy queen," Beetle said. "Where?" "The berlyque," said Little Lu- cifer. "Th' berlyque," shouted the others. Pool grinned as he set the three beers on the table. "I'll spread the word," he said. "Aparty " "Social fun," said Tristam. Pool told his customers to get out. One was indignant. "We got- ta have social fun on Shakespeare Court, don't we?" said Pool as he threw the man out. II The show was good. Little Lu- cifer bought three boxes of candy He got two Japanese water flow- ers and a bras; whistle. He blew the brass .whis'le in the ear of the man in front of him. When the man complained, Tristam threw him into the orchestra. The show was good. When a girl came on the stage. Tristam would say,'"She's snazzy. Let's have her for queen." Little Lucifer would say, "Shut up." Beetle would belch. ILLUSTRATED BY HERB GREEN One girl took off everything. Beetle quit belching and Little Lucifer's eyes bulged. Tristam said, "She's snazzy Let's have her for queen. Little Lucifer didn t say, "Shut up." "Yeah," he said. Then he blew on his brass whistle. III The sign said, "Shakespeare Court Ballroom." But anybody could see that it was only tempo- rary. The sign behind it said, "Willy's Auto Clinic." The place was full of people. "They didn't wait for us," Tris- tam pouted. "They didn't wait for the queen to start the social fun." The Queen looked vaguely into the empty bottle that she had pol- ished off on the way to the 'Ball- room', threw her arms around Tristam, and planted a kiss on his red cheek. "She's pretty," giggled Tristam. The noise was deafening. Pool, the bartender, was trying to neck with a red head in a convertible that was parked in the 'Ball- room.' He kept sliding out be- cause the car was jacked up on one side. Finally he knocked the jack out, climbed in, closed the door, and put the top up. "They're wrecking the place," said Willy. "We gotta have social fun," Tristam growled. "You know we take care of things," Little Lucifer said. "Yeah," said Willy. He collaps- ed to the floor under the weight of the Queen, who had suddenly taken a liking to him. "Hey," he shouted. Then he giggled, "He, he, he." Then he laughed, "Haw, haw." Then the (Continued on page 22) Court by Jerry Smith The Queen BEVERLY ROTROFF BEV ROTROFF "may not be an an- gel," as her song slogan went, but evi- dently the majority of the voters decid- ed that she would more than do as the 1950 Showme Queen. The 5'5" blonde beauty from T.D.3 was, in her own words, "panicky" when she was announced Showme Queen and quite dazed when Presi- dent Middlebush placed the red-rose crown on her head. When she left the stage, "the floor seemed a mile away." Dark-eyed Bev is an Elementary Ed- ucation major from Kansas City, but her greatest desire is to sing with a band. Bev likes to wear the usual coed ward- robe of skirts and sweaters, but prefers jeans. Her preference in men is well-ex- emplified by boy-friend, Tiger-gridder, Dale Portman. The Queen is an alternate cheer leader and likes sports, "especially swimming and tennis." When asked if anything exciting had ever happened in her eighteen years, Bev thought it over a while and finally decided that becoming Showme Queen had been the most exciting. Bev gives credit for success in her first queen campaign to her manager, Jo Ann Hurt. Other factors are a dimpled smile and a well-proportioned 120 pounds. PHOTO BY SINCLAIR ROGERS The Queen Story This week-end the Queen, her at- tendant and chaperone will travel to St. Louis via the SHOWME "Convertible Convoy." There they will move into the Presidential Suite at the Sheraton Ho- tel, sponsor of the Queen contest. Escorted by Tiger football stars, the Queen and her attendant will be treated to a full, sight-seeing tour of St. Louis, hockey and basketball games, an evening at a famous St. Louis night spot, the "Jug", a stage appearance at the Fox Theater, and an appearance on KSD-TV. The Queen was chosen from five finalists in an all-student election in which over 1700 ballots were cast. The Queen's Attendant HELEN FORSEE of the fetching smile is a dark-haired beauty from Boonville, Missouri. This is the first year at Mizzou for Helen. She formerly attended a girl's school and says Mizzou is "much more exciting." The 5'3" Tri- Delt pledge is a merchandising major and is "really interested in it." Helen is a member of Femme Forum and does work for Savitar. She likes dancing, de- signing, and the fellow she is pinned to. Helen is looking forward to her St. Louis visit and is "scared" at the thought of appearing on television. a change of reels... by Morti Novick The old-time movies are gone; in their place is Just Plain Jane, Van Yonson and a jackass. WHEN WAS the last time you walked the Last Mile or rode the Oregon Trail with Cecil B. De Mille? It seems that the old time motion pictures are gone like a straw hat in a March wind. Today, when the show is fin- ished, so are you. The Hollywood scenarios nowadays feature a complete shake-up of the indivi- dual. You won't get a better pan- creatic Mickey Finn in any Hobo jungle. The New Look in filmland Is the psychological nail biters, with the plots as congested as a Mah Jong game in a bathtub. Another Frankenstein would be welcome. Usually the plot takes the look- er into a psychoanalysts's office where you find the hero lying on the sofa. He's telling the doc in the white cardigan that he didn't mean to put the mule in the ba- by's crib or lead the blind man off a wharf. After exhaustive jabber the doc lets the hero know that all his troubles are due indirectly to a childhood tragedy. Hero breaks down and admits when he was five he once poisoned his pet roach. "Pack your straight jackets," the doc tells him, "and put your Roman toga in the suitcase you're going away for a rest." Arriving at the rest home, "Napoleons Uninhibited," hero falls in love with the night nurse, Just Plain Jane. This love action prompts the Stephen gals to roll up their bobby soxs and naw on the curtains. They'll drop you at the first crackle of bubble gum. 20 Hero and Plain Jane, at this point, plan an escape from Dr. Heinrich Schweinholtzer, a dissi- pated Bavarian beer hall rene- gade, who was expelled from Medical School because he tried to grow hair on a dead man's chest. They made good their escape, and you next find the couple in Greece. They are floating down the Asposos in a tinselled felucca looking for terra coated femmes near Tanagara, 11,000 miles east of the Pecos. This is all Greek to you. After spending the night in the Acropolis with a group of dogs they meet up with Ulysses, who is riding a sway back mule and singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home." This brings back mem- ories of the States to the hero and he soliloquies a Yankee Doodle ditty of purest red, white and blue. Suddenly, there is a rolling rumble of drums, cymbals crash, and the opening bars of John Philip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever" blare through the sound track. A silhouetted eche- lon of marching men, singing in a deep throated vigor, "Glory Halleluiah," against the back- ground of bursting rockets, ba he the screen in glorious technicol- or. Don't cash in your war bonds, it's only Van Yonson, Just Plain "But Mrs. Jones-but-but-suppose there's a fire." Jane's ex-boy friend. Van had promised Jane that he wouldn't speak to her until he completed his Charles Atlas' correspon- dence course. Van wears his ha r long like Tarzan and walks with the square-shouldered swagger of an affluent duke leaving Madame DuBarry's boudoir. By this time the audience is clapping. It looks like the end. But no! A twist of events finds the mule Ulysses has been riding to be an ancestor of a famous Eng- lish thoroughbred. This brings on a sea of protests from Parliament, the Kentuckians threaten to se- cede, and in the terrifying inter- lude the hero is captured by a band of Besserabian gypsies. The hero then turns out to be the mule-which is an ass of a different nature. THE END If every boy in the U. S. could read every girl's mind, the gasoline consumption would drop off fifty per cent. Testimonial received by a drug concern: "For nine years I was totally deaf, and after using your ear drops for only ten days, I heard from my brother in South Dakota." * * * Motor Cop: "Hey, you! Didn't you hear me say, 'Pull over there'?" Driver: "Why, I thought you said, 'Good afternoon, senator'." M. C. (smiling): "Isn't it a warm day, senator?" Fredendall's The Pen Point The Hotel Sheraton (Continued from page 14) Queen giggled and Beetle yank- ed her up. "Aw," said Willy, "I gotta have social fun, too." Little Lucifer blew on his brass whistle. At ten thirty someone threw a bottle through the window of the convertible. Pool got out and started a fight. Willy climbed in- to the convertible and shut the door. The redhead climbed out of the convertible and said, "To hell with you." By eleven the fight was a riot. Tristam said, "Look, social fun," and waded in. The Queen started singing and unbuttoning her blouse. At eleven thirty the 'Bal'room' was raided and the light went out. The Queen continued sing- ing. When the lights went on at twelve, the queen was still sing- ing and three men were in the garage. Tristam looked at the Queen and said, "She's snazzy." Beetle belched. Little Lucifer blew on his brass whistle. IV The three men seemed quite tired. Actually they should have been quite tired. They had spent ten hours during the day in hard labor at Willy's Auto Clinic. Willy had worked them exceed- .ngly hard. Willy was that way. The three men should have been quite tired. "Dis place is dead," said Tris- tam Kosjek-quite loudly. "Wot we need is some activi- ties," said Beetle Spifflic. "Yeah," agreed Little Lucifer. "We need some activity e- vents," said Tristam. "Ain't no reason why us in Shakespeare Court can't have so- cial fun like them top-hats up- town," said Bee le. Tristam's feet hit the floor with a shuddering crash. Litt'e Lucifer sat up straight. Beetle belched and glanced at Pool, the bartender. Pool grinned and set up three. "Idea," Little Lucifer shouted. "I got an idea." "A social fun idea?" Tristam's face was bright. "We gotta have a queen," said Little Lucifer. "We can have a party," roared Tristam. "Sure. We gotta get a snazzy queen," Beetle said. "Where?" "The berlyque," said Little Lu- cifer. "Th' berlyque," shouted the others. Pool grinned as he set the three beers on the table. "I'll spread the word," he said. "A party." "Social fun," said Tristam. Pool told his customers to get out. One was indignant. As Pool threw him out he thought. "I'm probably losing lots of money closing early every night-lots of money. But we gotta have social fun on Shakespeare Court, don't we?" V The show was good! THE END TWA Swami's Snorts The real reason money is called Jack is because a queen takes it. I didn't know she was a golfer when she asked me to play around. A shoulder strap is responsible for keeping an attraction from being a sensation. She: "Do you know the things they are saying about me?" He: "What do you think I am here for?" Now I lay me down to sleep The lecture's dry, the subject's deep If he should quit before I wake Give me a poke for goodness sakes! Girl: "Don't you think Ethel looks terrible in that low-cut gown?" Guy: "Not as far as I can see." Mother, to daughter coming in late: "What makes your right shoe so muddy and not your left?" Daughter: "I changed my mind." A girdle is an elastic supplement to a stern reality. "Who was that queen I saw you stacked up with last night?" the CAMPUS CLUB Powell & Fountain Service Station KORN KRIB Missouri Showme Exchange Visits an Dinner Miller's Swami's Snorts The dam burst, and the raging flood quickly forced the townspeople to flee to the snow-covered hills. As they gazed down so sadly at their flooded homes they say a bat- tered brown derby float gently down- stream from a short distance. Then it stopped, turned around and plowed slowly upstream against the rushing waters. After a while it turned and moved downstream again. "Say," said one of the town folks "What makes that derby act so funny?" "Well, I ain't sartin sure," spoke up a youth," But last night I heard Grandpa swear, come hell or high water he was a-gonna shovel the snow off the walk before Christmas." There isn't much difference in freshmen from year to year. You can tell a freshman girl right off because she says, "Stop," and you can tell a freshman boy just as easy because he does. * * * Visitor (at asylum): "Do you have to separate the women inmates from the men inmates?" Attendant: "Sure, the people here ain't as crazy as you think." Sign in a machine shop: "Girls, if your sweater is too large for you, look out for the machines; if you are too large for your sweater look out for the machinists." H.R. Mueller Florist Missouri Showme Modem Litho-Print Company KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP Swami's Snorts Dick old man, can you let me have five . . . No . . . . minutes of your time? . trouble at all, old scout. Know what time it is? Yeah. Thanks. Captain, is this a good ship? Why, madam, this is her maiden voyage. * * * Othopedic Specialist: The girls at these Florida beaches have beautiful legs, don't they? Lung Specialist: I hadn't noticed; I'm a chest man mystelf. * * * "Let's make a date for Saturday." "I have a date for Saturday." "Then let's make it Sunday." "I'm going out of town Sunday." "How about Monday?" "Oh damn it. I'll go Saturday." Druggist: "I made a mistake in that prescription I gave you for your wife. Instead of quinine I gave you strychnine." Customer: "You don't say. Well, then I owe you twenty-cents more." "In this outfit, they don't refer to me as the 'Housemother'!" The Blue Shop Ernie's Steak House CHAMBER'S Tire Store Swami's Snorts We hear that next year's bathing suits are barely big enough to keep a girl from being tanned where she ought to be! * * Cleopatra and Marck Anthony were floating down the Nile on Cleo's con- vertible barge. She reclined upon her couch, looking very beautiful. Marck was standing over her orating. "Cleo," he said, "my love for you rages like a burning forest. Further- more, O Goddess of the Nile-" "Marck," said Cleo, "I am not prone to argue." * * First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. * * Today's best value for a nickel is a phone call to the right girl. * * Long skirts are like prohibition: the joints are still there, but they're harder to spot. * * "I want an explanation and I want the truth," snapped the irate wife. "Make up your mind," said the hus- band. "You can't have both.' An absent minded professor was strap-hanging in a bus. His left arm clasped .a half dozen bundles. He swayed to and fro. Slowly his face took on a look of apprehension. Noting this, a young man stand- ing beside him said, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yes", said the professor with re- lief. "Hold onto this strap while I get my fare out." Guide: "We are now passing the largest brewery in the world." Student: "I'm not." Mary had a litle skirt, She stood against the light; Who gives a d -n For Mary's lamb With Mary's calves in sight. My lady, be wary of Cupid And heed to the lines of this verse- To let a fool kiss is stupid; To let a kiss fool you is worse. The guys who think our jokes are rough Would quickly change their views, If they'd compare the ones we print With those we're scared to use. He came in thrcugh the window As the innocent maid ay dream- ing. Her pretty arms beneath her head Se his vicious eyes a-gleaming With a sudden spring he reached her; She awoke with a violent shriek, And smashed the darn mosquito That bit her on the cheek. Lafter Thoughts She reached below her dimpled knee Into her rolled down stocking And there she found a roll of bills. A h, me, 'twas sweetly shocking. "Why don't you keep them in a bank?" Inquired a nosey prier. "The principle is the same," she said "But the interest here is higher." I never kiss I never neck, I never say hell, I never say heck, I'm always good, I'm always nice, I never play poker, I never shoot dice, I never wink I never flirt, I say no gossip, spread no dirt, I have no line, play no tricks, But, what the hell, I'm only SIX! *** An enemy, I know, to all Is wicked, wicked alcohol. The good Book, though, com- manded me To learn to love mine enemy. Barber sneeze, Man sneeze. Man dead, Next please. 29 "Yes, I'll play it once more for you-THEN I'M GONNA' TAKE THE DAMN THING OUT AND SMASH ITI" "Quit worryin', Nick. I tell ya' this babe's a queen." The Noise Expert by Jerry Smith A tale of the guy who lives in the next room. Per- haps you know him-Zap, zap. LET ME tell you about this guy that lives in the room next to mine. He comes in when I am doing nothing but minding my own business and ignoring a text- book which is laying on the desk. He comes in. "Zap, zap," he says, pointing the right index finger at me. "Zap, zap." What am I supposed to do, fall off the chair, break out the bot- tle or draw pictures in the dust on the textbook? I sit there with this 'zap zap,' business going on. He flops down, this guy that lives in the room next to mine. He flops down on my well-made sack. "Plumpf," he says. Just 'plumpf.' The bed bounces up and down from his weight. "Boong, boong," says the guy from the room next to mine. "Boing, Boing." "Let me tell you about this guy I meet on the street," he says. The conversation is picking up. "I'm walking down the street," he goes on, "Plack, plack, plack, When, whoompf, who do I meet but this guy I ain't been on such good terms with since I busted his cranium in grade school. Wham, it hits me that maybe he remembers. So, whish, I step a- side a little. Errt, he puts on the brakes. Whumme, I figure he's going to take a poke at me. My brain starts w-o rk in g, clank, clank, clank. Whoo, he looks big. Whish, he takes a swing at me, whish, whish. They all miss, spoosh. Then plooey, I let him 30 have one where it hurts. Cruuunch, he's down. He's big, roooann, so I ain't sticking a- round. Whoosh, I make tracks." I look him over, this guy from the room next to mine. I am a- mazed. I am confused. Could this be Spanish two? Or maybe crip- tograph 207? He grabs my clean towel and begins flipping it. "Twang," he says, "Twang, twang, twang." He socks me in the leg with the towel. "Crack," he giggles. "Break your bone? Crack, crack. We can fix that easy." He grabs my leg. "We twist it a little that way, roonch, then this way, skeeetch. Then we yank it kkkuuuttch." He is having hysterics by this time. "I can see you when you get up," he roars. "Brunk, the leg by herb green Susie Stephens "Yoo hoo, Susie, it's me-your lil 'ole roomie; I'm back from home EARLY!" snaps in the middle. Whoomf, you're on the floor." I consider my leg thought fully. I have never had trouble with me legs before. It feels funny. "Let me tell you about this guy I met this afternoon," he says. "Terwang, terwang." He is pull- ing on two ends of my towel. "Think it will rip?" he leers. "Rruuutchcritz." "Rruuutchcritz?" I eye my towel frantically. "Let me tell you about this guy," saysthe guy from the room next to mine. "We're kids in school. He's a little bigger than me. You know, blup, bleep-a little bigger. So we're playing games one day. Zip, zip, zip, we're running around. I'm run- ning fast-swish. I come along, clip, clip, clip, and zruuung-this guy sticks his foot out. Plooom, I hit the ground. Rooouw, tooouw, my head is going around. "I'm mad, see, ssssst, mad. Wham, I'm up; clowee, I give him one; toomg, he's down. I fig- ure he won't forget that." He looks at me, I look at him. I think, maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away. "Shrdlu," he says. "Shrdlu?" "Toowong, toowong." He en- joys bouncing on my well made sack. "This is softer than mine," he tells me. "Mine's like a rock, clunk, clunk. I break a back bone, goinch. This is better, hoomph, hoomph." I sigh. He looks at me kind of funny. I sigh again. He seerrs disturbed. I figure noises annoy him. I sigh real loud. "Gotta go," he says. "Into the raging blizzard, whoooo, on King, on y u huskies, zompfr, uunch, uunch. I'll see you around. Zap, zap." So he leaves me sitting there minding my own business. I don't move for a while. Then, umprh, I pick up my typewriter; clitch, I put in the paper; and, click-click, click, click, I tell you about th's guy that lives in the room next to mine. THE END CHARLIE'S Charm Cottage BROWN DERBY Henri-Noel Life Savers Headline-Hash From the COLUMBIA MIS- OURIAN Parents Told to Begin Sex Education Early Before they're parents, surely. Stephens Gets Rest On March 23 Might as well give them the rest; they have most of it now. Bill Taylor Came Here for Lunch And Stayed to be City Manager Some of those lunches are ex- pensive. Tuesday Club Sees Color Film on Meat Wonder if that's better than the usual screen From the 1ST. LOUIS GLOBE- DEMOCRAT Barring Reds from Japanese Diet Urged by Yoshida's Aid They would probably prefer a Russian diet anyway. From the ST. LOUIS POST- DISPATCH New-Type Sweaters Have Frosty Look Mut be a new type girl wear- ing them. Sells Seventh Street Corner Wonder if it cost less than the Brooklyn Bridge LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST Submit your favorite joke and win a carton of assorted Life Savers. Entries should be addressed to this magazine. JOKE CONTEST WINNER Robert Hienel 221 "1" St., Columbia, Mo. WINNING JOKE Once upon a time there were two Irishmen. Now there are lots of them. Don L. Small's Skole's Poll by Bob Skole An accurate statistical report on the Susies secret life as compiled by crow-eating Skole 98% OF Stephens girls want to get married. 47% have a hard job getting a date. No, we didn't propose to or proposition, every gal at Stephens, but we found this out in a recent survey. The poll covered 5% of the student body, which may seem like a small number, but that's all we could get to before the authori- ties threw us out of the dorms. Here are the results of the poll: 100% of the girls interviewed were definitely interested in men. 3%, who were from Avia- tion Hall, asked what a man is. After a short demonstration, they, too, were interested. Juniors are more frustrated than Seniors. This is shown by the fact that 20% of the Junior girls find their social life inade- quate, while only 10% of the Se- niors find theirs so. This is due to: (1) Seniors have had more time to adjust themselves, or (2) they have become so hardened to frustration that they don't mind it any more. The frustration of the Juniors is again shown by the fact that 66% of them want more opportunities to meet men, as compared to 32% of the Sen- iors who feel that their man- meeting opportunities are inade- quate. In regards to meeting men, 76% of the girls thought that Open Houses are a poor method of doing so. Nevertheless 86% become acquainted with most of their males through the Open House Line-'em-up go-get'em method. (You figure that out!) 34 Seniors have, on the average, 3.74 dates per week, while Jun- iors must be satisfied with only 2.25. Some factors must be taken into consideration in regards to these figures. First, we doubt if any girl would truthfully tell a stranger the exact number of dates she has. Second, a few so- cial lionesses, with their two doz- en dates a week, throw our curve way off. (To do this they threw their own curves around pretty much also.) 53% of the Juniors find their number of dates insuf- ficient, while only 3% of the Seniors are dissatisfied. Which just proves how little it takes to please some people. One of the hardest questions for the girls to answer was, "Why do you date?" 40% of the girls dated "to get away." 33% dated "to have a good time," and 27% dated "to meet other people." These, of course, are their pri- mary motives-most of the series date for more than one reason. For example, one girl told us, "It's a good way to go out when you're broke." (You mean they have such a condition at Steph- ens?) Seniors get around more than Juniors. Watch your blood pres- sure, S ephens Administration, but 28% of your Seniors and 5% of your Juniors frequent Off- Limits establishments. This is not bad considering that 81% of the Seniors and 70% of the Juniors would LIKE to go to Columbia's Night Spots. Such self control! (Dammit!) 65% of first year Susies accept blind dates. This figures jumps to 84% when the girls become Sen- "Miss McClure, I'm going to help you lose some inhibitions." iors. The increase can be explain- ed as follows: A Susie gets "stuck" on her first three blind dates. She swears them off. She spends the r,est of her Junior year in semi-seclusion. By the time she becomes a senior, she realiz s that she must get a man pretty quick, so she goes hog wild, ac- cepting any date-blind, near- sighted or otherwise. This theory is demonstrated again through the fact that 29% of the total dates of the average Junior Susie are blind, while the Seniors' jump to 34%. Not only are Senoirs more an- xious to date, but they are easier to please. Only 10% of the Ju- niors' blind dates are "satisfac- tory" while 19% of the Seniors find theirs O.K. Here is more evidence of the six S's-the Sub- mission of Stephen Seniors to the Sad Social Situation. The main faults found with blind dates, in the order of their occurence, are: (1) No common interest; (2) Expect too much on the first date; (3) Not the right type(4) No looks; (5) No per- sonality; (6) No manners. This leads us to conclude three things: (1)Stephens girls are fussy; (2) Stephens girls are very fussy; (3) Stephens girls are too damn fussy! 60% of the Juniors believe that it is a difficult matter to get a date, whereas only 37% of the Seniors have the same trouble. This clearly indicates which should be the exploited class. Need we say more? The "going steady" and "get- ting pinned" questions present a confusing amount of s atistics. 33% of the girls want to go stead- y. 42% want to get pinned. 10% want to get pinned, but do not want to go steady. 9% are going steady but do not want a pin. 12 / are pinned but do not go steady. You figure it out!! As we mentioned before, 99% of the girls interviewed want to get married. We are now dating the other 1%. THE END Garland's RADIO ELECTRIC NEUKOMMS Chesterfield Cigarettes Swami's Snorts "I call my girl 'Furnace'." "Why, because she's a hot num- ber?" "No, she goes out on me if I don't watch her." First Girl: "I hit a telephone pole last night." Second Girl: "It's a wonder your neck wasn't broken." First Girl: "Well, it wasn't broken but it was sadly interrupted." "In the old days, did the knights fight with battleaxes?" "Well, the married knights did." Quoth she: "When I let him steal a little kiss, I didn't know it was go- ing to develop into a one man crime wave." CHESTERFIELD CONTEST Please mail your entry to this month's contest and be sure to include a Chesterfield wrapper. The ten bearing the earliest postmark will win the Chesterfields. Address: SHOWME, 304 Read Hall, Columbia. LAST MONTH'S WINNERS Francy Chadbourne Ernest Wagner Don Dalton Eric Flor Larry DiDonato Bud Moser Ernest Hale Aubrey Mullins John C. Wycraft Edward Royce Winners should report to 303 Read Hall for their Ches- terfields. The DEN Swami Reports: On Housefathers by Fred Shapiro WE WALKED into the Shack the other day and found our kingpin Swami working hard at his usual occupation-drinking. We sat down beside him and in- troduced ourselves to his com- panion who seemed to be moan- ing about something and was too busy crying into his already well- salted beer to notice us. "What's the matter with him?" we asked Swami. "Let him alone," the prophet replied, "he's go a right to cry the blues. That fella has troubles. He's a housefather." "Oh," we queried, "and why should that make him particular- ly unhappy?" At this point the house father spotted in us a new outlet for his story so he started babbling again "Now see what you've done." Swami said, "you've got him started and he'll go all through the whole story again. Damn you." He said some other unflatter- ing things, but we were too busy listening to the house father to hear him. The house father was babbling somewhat incoherently so we stopped him. "Wait," said we, "start from the beginning. Why did you first de- cide to become a house father?" "My wife became a house mother" he replied, "and besides I was planning to do a thesis on abnormal psychology. To say nothing of the fact that I thou ht the boys might be able to give me a little help with some of my more difficult subjects now and then." Ritepoint "So you're a wheel. Quit being so damn dramatic!" "Tell me," said Swami, looking up from his beer, "how many ki 's have you got, and how did your wife feel after having all those kids at once?" "Twenty-six and tired, mighty damn tired," he replied. "Well," we inquired, "are you sorry you became a house fath- er?" "Yes and no," he answered, "yes, because those guys don't know any more about my home- work than I do and no because our house files have the most and best pornography on this camp- us." "Well," we inquired, "We don't understand what your main troubles really are." "Oh, you shouldn't have said that," said Swami, digging in for a long siege." "It's like this," he answered, "I am sick and tired of the food. It's a little better than restaurant chow, I suppose, it's only spoiled on one side; and I'm tired of tell- ing the boys to take their feet ofE the tables at meal time; and I'm tired of their standing outside the door to my room and belching whenever they're hungry; and I don't like to have to tuck them in- to their straight jackets every night and lock their chains. "That's saying nothing about all the red tape I put up with," he went on, "the parole slips when they go home on vacation, the weekly policy report my wife has to send to Stephens college when- ever the boys develop any new strategy. But what rea ly gets me is when the boys run out to other houses saying 'my Pa can lick your Pa.' Having twenty-six various house fathers coming a- round with murder in their eyes every day brings on trouble. "What's more," he continued, "I don't get enough respect. The kids all run around calling me Pop. If they have to address me on the street, I wish they would please do so by calling me father or pater, perhaps. My classwork is suffering too. I'm tired after teaching those brats how to read and write, I have a hell of a time waking up for Early Morning Bird Calls." (continued next page) BRADY'S BUCHROEDER'S Switzer's Licorice KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER Moon Valley Villa He stopped for a minute and Swami looked somewhat relieved. "There," he said, "he's stopped. Don't ask him anything else. He's liable to blow up in your face. "One more question," we beg- ged. "just tell us do you use any disciplinary measures?" "Oh," the house father answer- ed, "just a few mild ones. such as chastisement wi h a baseball bat, and a few other little tricks of the trade which I picked up when I was a Joliet turnkey. Oh, those good old days." He looked as if he were going to start a fresh wave of reminis- cences, so we got up to leave. He grabbed our arm to stop us. "Please stay," he begged "let me tell you how I went from the sublime to the paternal in one short fatal step." We wrenched free from his grasp and started walking out the Shack door. "Oh, well," he yelled after us, "wht has Crosby got that I have not five times as much of, besides money?" We caught our last glimpse of the house father as he turned back to Swami and began talking anew. Swami wasn't listening. He sat and quietly drank, his mind far away. He should care, the house father was buying the beer. THE END "Honey, Ah loves yo' bathin' suit!" "Sho' nuff?" "Man it sho' does!" "Why' are there more automobile accidents than train wrecks?" "Must be because the engineer isn't always making love to the fire- man." A monkey looks like a man who is worried. A monkey looks like a man who is worried because he has made a monkey of himself. And a monkey looks worried because he is awake that he looks like a man who is worried because he has made a monkey of himself. . So natcherly he's gotta sleep wit da farmer's daughter. . . . an' later on da farmer starts gettin' wise . .and-and, ha ha ha. he says-ha ha . . terrific, huh? JACKOLANTERN "There's milk and cold cuts in the icebox, John."CHAPARRAL CHAPARRAL filched "By George, you're right, Mr. Wilson! That IS an E!" 41 Edgar's Maytag Missouri Showme Swami's Snorts Judge (to prisoner): "What is your name, occupation, and what are you charged with?" Prisoner: "My name is Sparks. I'm an electrician, and I'm charged with battery." Judge: Officer, put this guy in a dry cell. Prosperity means wine, women and song. A depression means beer, mama and the radio. A finished musician is Octavious Platt; He got caught playing in the wrong flat. What does a bride think when she walks into a church? "Aisle, Altar, Hymn." * * * Little Boy: "Ma, I just cut off my leg in the thresher." Ma: "Stay outside until you stop dripping. I just mopped the floor!" "Mommy, Mommy, bawled the little girl," "Daddy just poisoned my kitty." "Don't cry, dear," replied the mother sympathetically. "Maybe he had to." "No, he didn't," screamed the heartbroken child. "He promised me I could." "No," said the centipede, crossing her legs, "a hundred times no." She: "How was your party last night?" Voice on phone: "We're having a swell time." Greenspon's Wheels Around Campus Esser Drug Swami's Snorts Jack: Last night I finally per- suaded my girl to say "yes." Jake: Swell, old man, when's the wedding? Jack: Wedding? ? What wedding? * * * "It's true," said the husband, pen- sively. "My wife ran away with my best friend." "Too bad. Was he a handsome devil?" "Can't say. I never met the man." She was the type who softly mur- murs sweet nothing doings in your ear. The young bride approached the druggist timidly. "That baby tonic you advertise," she began, "does it really build bigger and stronger babies?" "We sell a lot of it," said the drug- gist, "and we've had no complaints." "Then I'll take a bottle," she said. "And do I have to take it, or does my husband?" This may be the machine age, but love is still made by hand. "I still think I can make it." Dunn's Dungeon by Don Dunn OOD HEAVENS! Now it's the SHOWME queen! Savitar J- School, Ag-School, Engine School, Hickman Hig h-who knows where it will end? I'm surprised we haven't been approached by some three-year-old tot who s ys, "Thay, will you vote for Thandra Thmith? She's runnin' for Queen o f t he Univerthity Laboratory Nurthery School." It may happen thoon--er, soon. THOUGHT OF THE MONTH: It's nice to be a queen-especially if you're a girl. * * * Maybe that's the trouble a- round this campus: it's always a girl who gets to be a queen. Sure, I know the boys have a chance at Knight Owl or Jack of Hearts, but that's all. Why is this dis- crimination being practised? Lis- ten, I've seen some fellows a- round school who look a darn sight better than some of the girls. That's what we need-a couple of boys running for, say, for Showoff queen. Why, I can almost hear one of the candidates trying to drum up votes now: HARRY (the candidate): Pssst, Jack, come over here under this pinball machine. JACK: Oh. hiya, Harry. HARRY: Who you voting for for Showoff queen? JACK: Why this Yacovitcz, the quarterback, looks pretty good. HARRY: Yacovitcz! Jack, I'm surprised at you. You've seen him out on the field in those short knickers, haven't you? JACK: So? HARRY: Well migawd man, do you call THOSE legs? JACK: Oh, yeh, I see what you mean. HARRY: Not only that, but you know those tremendous shoul- ers he has JACK: Yeh? HARRY (looking furtively a- round, whispers) Falsies! JACK: No! HARRY: I happen to know he has his pads specially made in Atlanta, Georgia-that's 'way down South in de land ob cot- ton'. JACK: Y'know. I noticed there was something funny about him when I accidentally brushed a- gainst him on the dance floor -but if I don't vote for him, who can I vote for? HARRY: Well, Jack, I don't want to influence you. but did you see the Savitar Frolics? JACK: Yes? HARRY: Remember that dance I did in the girl's dress? JACK: Oh, yeh, that little short dress that showed almost- HARRY: Yes-and every bit of it was real! Catch? JACK: Gotcha! See ya around. HARRY: Right. Hey, there's Al over there. Pssst, Al, come over here under this pinball mach- ine. . Getting away from queens and down to serious matters, have Frozen Gold Ice Cream Sayman Products Co. Stag Beer you noticed how the system here is beginning to get loused up by profs doing things they aren't supposed to be doing? First, someone over in the Econ depart- ment wrote an income tax pam- phlet that the state is passing out for free-you, know, one of these simplified eight-page folder that requires a simplified eight page folder to understand it-and then this fellow down at Journalism School whips off a Saturday Eve- ning Post story and receives a fabulous sum for it. Now, I'm not begrudging anybody anything, but I wish they'd think about what they're doing before they go any further with such things. You see, profs, we poor students sit out in front of your lectures and think. "All right, all right, go on and talk, talk, talk. If you knew anything about the subject, You'd be out making money and not just telling us how to make it." Now please, profs, leave us be with our cynicism. Stop disenchanting us! * * * Speaking of income taxes, there's a clever question on the form I got that reads, "Are you blind?" Don't know why they call it a withholding form-I can't with- hold a cent from them. It must be pretty terrible to graduate and make so much money that you can't get a few bucks refunded from the govern- ment every year. * * * The motion picture situation in this town is also getting pretty complex. I didn't mind fighting a battle to get in to see "Battle- ground," or waiting until twelve o'clock to see "Twelve O'clock High," but when I had to stand behind eighteen dogs to see 'Challenge To Lassie," that's go- ing too far. They've had a sign up on Broadway for quite a while say- ing that the Tiger Laundry Com- pany's building is going to be turned into a theatre. "Strom- boli" ought to go over big there- it would be a nice clean picture. I hear that instead of tickets, they're going to sell you all the buttons they've mangled off my shirts during the past two years. And you know that popcorn you always drop on the floor while you watch the picture? They'll be able to sweep it up, run it through a washer, resalt it, and resell it-I think I'll get a television set. THE END "Now watch my feet." BALFOUR THE DIXIE Missouri Showme Contributors' Page nick bova PHOTO BY JULIE'S Is seems that every year we have a considerable amount of trobule deciding what sort of a cover to produce for the QUEEN ISUE. It usually results in some sort of an experiment. This year we decided to do a portrait of the Queen and natur- ally our choice to do the art work was Nick Bova, SHOWME'S ar- tiest artist. Previously Nick has done two illustrations for SHOW- ME fiction and both have been excellent jobs. Nick is 23, a senior in Arts and Science from St. Louis, Vice President of Delta Phi Delta, honorary art fraternity, and hopes some day to do national il- lustrations like Whitcomb's. bill chandler As far as we know, this is the first time an Ag-student has ever received a write-up on the SHOWME contributors' page. We had been shopping around for someone to handle the jokes for SHOWME, when suddenly some- one let out a ripping Ag howl, grabbed the scissors and 'began snipping in our exchanges-this was Bill Chandler, our new joke editor. Besides his joke activities, Bill owns part interest in a racing greyhound which periodically presents him with a taxable in- come. With this in mind, his greatest ambition is to own a flashy Jaguar-convertible, of course. Bill is 20, a sophomore in Ag- riculture, a member of Phi Eta Sigma, freshman honorary, and resides with his dog in Sarcox- ie, Missouri. fred shapiro Last February when Dick San- ders became editor of SHOWME he decided that his editorship du- ties would not allow him time to continue with his feature, SHOW- ME REPORTS. So he began looking around for a replacement and came up with an enterpris- ing young freshman, Fred Sha- piro. Fred is one of those editor joys who will walk up to most anyone an ask him most anything. He has probably met more faculty 'wheels' than anyone on the staff. Fred is 19, a Pre-J sophomore in Arts and Science from Phila- delphia and hopes some day to do his work for a big-time newspa- per. Beech-Nut Gum PHOTO BY JULIE'S Chesterfield Cigarettes