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Missouri Showme October, 1950; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1950

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Missouri Showme October 1950 25 cents 30th Anniversary Issue MISSOURI STORE Pucketts Central Dairy "You can tell his date is wearing a dress from Julies." Letters to Showme The Beginning We were anxious to discover just how Showme had started, so we adopted an intelligent atti- tude and wrote one of the origi- nal founders. His answer follows: "When I got your letter of 22 July and noted that you planned to celebrate the 35th Aniversary of Showme I thought that my memory must have slipped a cog for I attended the University in '20 and '21, which would be just thirty years ago, not thirty-five. (It was our hearing that had slipped, not your memory-Ed.) "We may be crazy, but this is the way we recall the event. A bunch of us, Frank F. B. Hous- ton, now of Los Angeles, Bill Tweedie, of Jefferson City, Lyle Wilson, now head of U.P. in Washington and Eddie DeLong, now Public Relations Director of Princeton, were sitting around talking over the fact that Mis- souri had no humor magazine. and so decided to start one. "Eddie DeLong and Frank Houston thought up the name- Bill Tweedie was business man- ager; I was the advertising man- ager, Frank was art editor, Ed- die, the joke editor, etc. It was not a Journalism school activity, but a private organization. "We rented a room downtown and started to put out a monthly. And how we worked! We had no credit-had to pay the printer cash. Had no advertising, no na- tional advertising for the back cover; no money for color work. The local business men didn't es- pecially want a humor magazine (they'd never seen a copy, of course) and felt that their ad- vertising should go into the local papers-not a magazine for na- tional circulation. "We slaved and sweated and suffered and got the first issue out and it was pretty terrible. Some of the faculty objected to our rather pointed brand of hu- mor and some oaf had slipped in a couple of dirty jokes. Some of the cartoons poked fun at a well- known professor and some had girls showing a little too much leg-and the magazine very nearly died at birth. But we went on begging advertising and asking for jokes and copy and it gradually got to be accepted and liked. "Frank and Lyle Wilson and I left the magazine to write a musical comedy called "The Green Jug" in which Jane Rog- ers played the lead. (Jane and her sister Torch went on to stage and radio fame.) Frank did the music-which was very good and Lyle Wilson, Hugh Gib- son and myself did the book and directed the show. "That's the story as nearly as I can remember. Hope you can check it for accuracy. Will watch to see how you handle it when we get a copy at San Jose State as I am, this year, going to be the faculty advisor for Lyke, our own humor mag. Cordially yours, Owen Atkinson "P.S. Congratulations on the bang-up job you are now doing with Showme. Everybody says it is about the best of all the coll- ege humor magazines." "Our sincere thanks to Mr. Atkinson for the history and the nice words-Ed. The Pen Point Knight's Drug Shop Beech-Nut Gum editor's ego WELL, here IT is," said the man, displaying he knew not what. In our case, the IT is the Anniversary Issue. We spent a lot of time in intensive research digging this stuff out of the li- brary's inner-sanctum. Some of you may think it wasn't worth it. Actually it was very much worth it. However, rather than follow in the footsteps (off cam- pus) of many of the old issues, we restrained ourselves and printed the milder (?) stuff. A resume of what our research turned up is to be found in Around the Columns. The actual findings fill the rest of the mag- azine, with a new "goodie" thrown in here and there. Actually this issue is sort of. an experiment. We want to see if the things that were funny in the twenties and thirties are still funny today. Since the entire staff is composed of cynics, it's up to you, the reader to decide. Maybe you'll discover that things haven't changed too much. For your benefit we tacked dates onto all the material- nothing has been changed. Even the cartoons were copied down to the finest detail; the covers on our cover are exact reproduc- tions. The only changes are, in most cases, story headings and illustrations. We would like to thank the Missouri Historical Society and its members for opening their files for our benefit and for put- ting up with our typewriter banging, illegal cigarette butts and occasional swearing at a hard-to-copy carton. We really appreciate it. Next month we will issue our pride and joy-an issue that we have been planning for many months-The Saturday Evening Pest. We think you'll enjoy it. See you then. Staff Editor-in-chief Jerry Smith Associate Editors Herb Green Glenn Troelstrup Advertising Director Ed Overholser Photo Editor Tom Smith Publicity Directors Fred Seidner Marshall Siegel Art Editor Herb Knapp Exchange Secretary Mary Ann Dunn Business Manager Alan Ebner Asst. Bus. Manager Carolyn Lipshy Circulation Managers Homer Ball Dude Haley Dick Sedler Sales Manager Dick Rogers Secretary Mary Ann Fleming Joey Bellows Proof Reader Mel Britt Art Staff: Pat Kilpatrick, Marilyn McLarty Photos: Gene Rapier, Al Paro Advertising: Joy Kuyper, Carroll Sand Features: Don Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, Joel Gold Publicity: Phil Cohen, Jay Goldman, Lloyd Hellman, Judy Klawans, Joy Laws, Barbara Lee, Nikki, Zemliak. Circulation: Bill Alexander, Bob Herman, Jerry James, Harold Wiley Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents The Adventures of Ambrose A 1921 nonsensical serial about two some- thing-or-others and several whatchacallits that end- ed exactly as it had started and continued-without reason ___-_---------------------------------- 14 Fire! Fire! At Jesse Hall You've heard about this sooo many times, and read about it even more. But here's the story of how the columns came to be-from 1933 ----------- 24 The Story of Little Nell Here's a silly little story in Greek-Nu Greek. So un-Kappa beer, drink Alpha bottle and prepare to translate this 1937 offering _ _------------___- - 18 The Mud Puppy A few mild passages from an Outlaw column of 1929. After reading this slander sheet you'll probably be glad that it died before your time--------41 Mizzou in the Twenties Herb Green borrowed Swami's crystal ball, said the secret cuss word and took a look into the past. The result is recorded for posterity with some- thing new in the way of center-spreads ------------22 Literary Indigestion Petting, smoking and other sports commonly enjoyed by college students have been the subject of much criticism ever since when. Here's a res- ume from a fairly recent period-1928 --------_____ _ 26 Cover by Glenn Troelstrup Volume 27 October, 1950 Number 2 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be retrned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail 3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. HIDE your whiskey, stash your gin, Guard your blonde and flirty Gerties; Watch your pin-ups drawn by Petty Swami's reached his sassy thirties. 6 Around the Columns History Maybe you aren't interested in the history of Showme, but just to show you who the hell is editing this book, we're going to give you a few pages of it- stick around, we think you'll find it interesting. Nothing New After about 25 hours in the files of old Showmes we have come to the conclusion that there isn't such a thing as a new joke. We were amazed to find jokes back in 1920 that are still being used today (and not only by Showme-we steal our jokes from other mags). You will undoubtedly discov- er this for yourself as you finger through the pages of jokes that we have provided; 'though we have tried to cut out all of those that we remember as having been printed in Showme in our "modern" history. But, all in all, it just proves the joke about the joke cycle- we steal 'em from you, you steal 'em from someone else, they steal 'em from us. In a few years they'll all be new again. Kid Showme Showme of the early twenties was not too dissimiliar from the Showme of today. A thirty-two page book was tops (only recent- ly has Showme reached the "peaks" of 48 pages). Stories were a rarity i,n those days, even shorter than short. Jokes and cartoons were thrown helter- skelter into the mag to fill space between the few ads. The first Showme housed itself independently in the Guitar Building. In the latter twenties, due to financial difficulties, it slipped silently back into the University, taking up residence in Lowry Hall. Prices varied in these first twenty years of Showme history. Ranging from a low of 10c to a high of 35c, the mag held what would be considered today as a death sentence circulation. In the thirties, the mag slapped it- self on the back for gaining an all-time high for circulation-900 Hot Numbers In those days, issues were not issues, but "numbers". Some ex- amples were, "Petting Number", "High Life Number", "Modest Number", and "In the Clutches Number." Although money was a rarity, the staff evidently worked on the theory that one must spend money to make money. A joke contest was offered with prizes of $5, $3. $2 and $1 for the best lokkes. Swami was evident in the sig cut of the first issues-but he was rather elongated and looked like a bored Mervin. Later this ancient idea of Swami disappear- ed to be replaced by a clown similar to the Columbia Jester. Though today's Swami was there in spirit, le didn't appear in per- son in Showme until the '40's. The Outlaw In 1924 the Showme mysteri- ously disappeared and in its place came the wild and wooly Outlaw with a promise of real, down- to- earth, humor. First price was two bits for 32 pages later 10c for 20 pages. With offices outside the Uni- versity, the Outlaw specialized in snappy cartoons and jokes. One issue contained a college version of the Ten Command- ments. Liquor and Sex were THE topics. However, contrary to popular opinion, the Outlaw wasn't as rakish as history says. With a threat of extinction handed it by the University, the Outlaw toned down its jokes and took a sharp slap at the "minor- ity critics" who objected to their humor. Croy and 0.0. Page 10 of the first issue of the Outlaw -was blessed by the letter from Homer Croy, the noted hu- morist. Mr. Croy recalled the days when he had attempted to start a humor mag at Mizzou. Said Mr. Croy, ".up to that time I had enjoyed comparative- ly good health." Mr. Croy's mag, by the way, was the Oven-four pages of "roasts" which sold for a nickle. 7 Also blessing the opposite page was a letter from 0.0. McIn- tyre which dispelled the hallu- cinations that we have had in the past about 0.0. being the found- er of Showme. He never attend- ed Mizzou. He did, however, al- low himself to be adopted as Godfather of the Outlaw and subsequently the Showme. Stephens, Too In this period Stephens came into its own. A rather mild des- cription by the Outlaw in '25 says "A cutie college where girls spend their time writing and re- ceiving special delivery letters, breaking dates and dodging the decalogs." The same issue desribes a journalist as "A slick-garbed sucker bound for the gutter with joy in his heart." Savitar was "A chronicle of the year's crime, with chromos of the criminals." An engineer, "A dumbell dress- ed like an Ag whb runs around Red Campus looking at co-eds' knees through transits." Dead Outlaw In 1930 the Outlaw dissolved itself into the new Showme, came under the control of Sigma Delta Chi (where it remained until recent times), and adopted a slogan, "Nonsense, Sense and Consequence"-via a contest and $5.00. We were gently surprised to read that the new mag took note of one Donovan Rhynsburger in the second issue. This was April, 1930. Considering the way he looks now, he must have been about 14 then. Jesse Wrench al- so began to break into print about this time-perhaps before, we may have missed it. In a May '32 Issue of the Showme, Jesse was listed as the number one point of interest on the Campus. The Columns were pumber two. Number ten was the Rock Quarry. The Hink was completely ignored: evidently it's possibilities had not yet been exploited (or it was a secret). Jellying was the number one spo:-t and beer bust was non-ex- istent. Flapper was the number one word, and Cheve conver- tibles were advertised for $465 up-convertibles, too. Girl's Colleges In September, 1930, the Show- me prihted articles on both Stephens and Christian-serious articles, written by girls attend- ing those colleges. Described in a dignified manner, are some of the rules at Christian: 1. All window shades must be pulled down when the lights are on. 2. Girls are not permitted to talk more than three minutes to young men on the streets or in any store or eating place. 3. No girl is permitted to go shopping with a young man at any time. Etc., No Stephens rules were listed. Undoubtedly too many of them. This was the big year-the year of 900 circulation-there were almost that many on the staff. A campaign was conducted to get the U to give students New Year's Day as a holiday. Ballots were printed and an edi- torial* raised hell. No results were printed. Lynn C. Mahan was editor and a cross-word puzzle appear- ed. The mag commented, "Belle of Baltimore was pure and chaste; Poo Po Pa Doo may not be so pure-But more CHAS- ED." To Hell with U Throughout its entire history Showme has never shown any reluctance to light into any cam- paign that needed campaigning or tear into any reform that needed reforming. Serving (or trying to serve) as the voice of the students, the Showme found itself in more than it's share of hot water. Everything from proms to S.G.A. re-organization comes un- der the wrathful eye of Showme and company. In 1920 came the, announcement that the U would build the Student Union. Shortly therafter the Showme ran an edi- torial claiming that much more could be done with the money- the Union could wait. Never be- fore and never since has a Show- me editorial seen such a remark- able response! On the side the Showme cyni- cally kidded the Missouri Stu- dent for its reluctance to speak boldly on matters of student im- portance. A comment was, "Here we are, trying to be funny and failing, and the Student being funny without even trying." Showme even appointed a "Slam Editor" to report monthly on the Student-a job a child could handle. Greek Columns By '32 Showme had more or less dropped humor and had be- come a note book and scandal sheet for fraternities and soror- ities. Everybody saw their name in print. That, too, sells maga- zines. Jesse Hall and the columns were the recipient of much gentle kidding in the thirties, as they are today. And the mag looked back into the 1890s and made fun of the "old days." Showme suggested, "Patronize your old man's pocketbook; pa- tronize your favorite sorority house, patronize the U.S. Mail; but for God's sake, patronize our advertisers." Critics, then as now, forced Showme into periodical defense of their type of mag and made them eye the outskirts of the campus. In '35, as an answer to critics, Showme put out the "Extra- super- ultra-censored Is- sue." Big Time and Sex In '36, Showme began to go big time with "stolen" stories by Walter Winchell (telling why he hates college students), Homer Croy, Paul Gallico and others. Dave Dexter (now big time, then student) was writing a full-time column on music for the mag and panning Fred Waring. Show- me was becoming literary with book reviews and arty stories. January of '39 saw the first "Sex" issue of Showme- in let- ters six inches high across the cover. By this time the slogan was "A reflection of moderl campus thought". A lot of liter- ary ideas remained, but they were disappearing. In the Febru- ary '39 issue Showme began to move into the modern stage-a cartoon of Jesse Wrench appear- ed-beret, goatee and all. War was a minor topic in '39, but full page ads of a pacifist oi- ganization appeared monthly. Thus ended the thirties and Showme made ready for wa. and the "modern" age which was to follow with Mort Walker, Charles Nelson Barnard, Dick Saunders, and Bill Gabriel. Rec- ognize those names? Fame We couldn't possibly dig the names of all the old staff mem- bers, who have hit the big time, out of the files, but we do hav, a few which we can list with great pride as Showme's honor list: Lyle Wilson, UP Chief, Wash- ington; Joe Alex Morris, former editor, Colliers; Dave McIntrye, drama critic, N.Y. Journal-Amer- ican; Charles Nelson Barnard, as- sociate editor, True; Dale Bero- nius, artist, K.C. Star; Ralph Daigh, editorial director, Faw- cett Publications; Blevins Davis, Broadway producer; Dave Dex- ter, editor, Downbeat; Hal Boyle, AP columnist, war correspon. dent; Burris Jenkins, editorial cartoonist, Hearst Papers; Bob Broeg, sports writer, St. Louis Post-Dispatch; Bob Deindorfer, free lance sports writer; J. V. Connolly, late boss, King Fea- tures Syndicate; Mort Walker, editor 1000 Jokes, King Feature cartoonist; Elmer Woggon, car- toonist, "Steve Roper." "That's great! Let's censor it!" candidly mizzou AL PARO THIS IS a picture of a sport known as "yell-in". It is call ed this because everybody yells as the girls walks out. Then she is in. Confusing? All the boys stand around nose-to-neck or balanced in mid air with one foot in another boy's pocket. They all think, "this is a nice looking girl. Some day we shall go out and discuss Harry Brown's theories." 10 BURT McNEIL THIS IS a picture of a football team in action. Some are gettingup; others are getting down. All are watching the wrong team score a touchdown. The people in the background are spectators. They haven't gone home yet. They did. The players couldn't go home-they had to stay and watch the rebels from Clemson have a field day. THIS IS more of the "yell-in" sport. This time it is boys. They just walk anywhere. The girls are more restrained. They look at the boy, then at their nearby dates, then at the boy, and think, "someday." AL PARO THIS IS a skit given by A.W.S. for incoming girls. Two of the girls are acting like boys-they are failing at this attempt. Two of the girls are acting like girls and doing a fine job. The middle one is just acting. II TOM SMITH THIS IS the Showme editor. He is smirking as he watches hundreds of girls sign up for Snowme work. Also present were Read Hall generals who swiped names from Showme list a while-then went home in digust. TOM SMITH THIS IS a gathering of two sophomore council leaders (Jeanie Korn and Marv Fremerman). They are suppos- ed to be entertaining students at Meet Mizzou night. Evidently they are being entertained instead. TOM SMITH THIS IS a photo of a photographer taking a photo. It is part of a new system of identification suggested by a devot- ed trusty at the State Penitentiary in Jefferson City. The girl was five foot two. She is now, and eternally will be five foot six. The University of Missouri has the tallest students in the country. 12 photo of the month DOUG HORNER THIS IS a nice, big, fat, hole. It is being erected on the site formerly occupied by a sign saying, "Keep off the grass." Now they have signs saying, "Walk right" and "Walk left." This hole is being prepared for a pipe which will carry steam heat. This is another chapter in the construction plot to make students so satisfied they will quit griping and study. 13 The Adventures of Ambrose Illustrated by Herb Knapp VOLUME I MBROSE had just finished his breakfast of graham crackers a la mode as Horatio entered through the transom. "Fall in," muttered Ambrose. "You're up early this morning." "Yes," responded Horatio, "I rose with the salt- rising bread. Have you packed your handker- chief?" "Not as yet," answered Ambrose, lighting a choice piece of tapestry. "Have you dined?" "Oh, yes," rejoined Horatio, seating himself on the color scheme, "the doctor only aliows me one meal a day--oatmeal. But come, let us go away." "Go weigh if you want to," retorted Ambrose throwing his handkerchief over his shoulder, "but put a little spring into it. We must find the prin- cess." And they slipped out of their quarters into the tenderloin. VOLUME II "What," ventured Ambrose, pointing to a pe- culiar noise behind the bar, "is that?" "That," responded Horatio, reclining against a a cloud of smoke, "is the scream of a pint bottle. The bartender is squeezing it." "Oh," murmured Ambrose. Just then a gun man entered, water dripping from his clothes. "He came in on the noon tide," explained Horatio. "Uh, huh," retorted Ambrose. "The relative humidity here," muttered Ho- ratio, shoving a square pound of it under the tabl4, "is rather heavy. It hurts my digits." "Quite so," acquiesced Ambrose, "but harken to the malted music." "Alas!" cried Horatio, rising suddenly. "Where?" ejaculated Ambrose, suddenly rising And they crawlstroked through the heavy fog. 14 VOLUME III Just as the parade ground had been accounted for, they reached Camp Custard. "The trees of that forest," said Horatio, "were reported absent." "Indeed" remonstrated Ambrose, "they are without leaves." Horatio selected a choice boulder, and tearing the bark from it, poured Ambrose a steaming cup of lava. "At the top of yon volcano," he continued, "there is a cone." "What flavor?" queried Ambrose. "White," answered Horatio. Ambrose seated himself on a pinnacle and lis- tened to the gentle rumbling of the twilight, as it bounced from cliff to cliff. "Yes," he mused, "rab- bits multiply very rapidly, but it takes a snake to be an adder." "In which direction," shouted' Horatio, "is Chicago?" "Directions," returned Ambrose, "are always found on the bottle. Let us continue towards the yeast." And they galloped merrily down the sides of the gorge. VOLUME IV Ambrose and Horatio were leaping across the Grand Canyon, when Ambrose paused to discon- nect his speedometer. "What delayed you?" queri- ed Horatio. "I struck a sympathetic chord," responded Ambrose. "It sounded like a perpendicular," admonished Horatio. "At least it had the right angle." At this time a covey of whales hopped out of the juniper bushes. "That's strange," mused Am- brose, "none of them had bridles on. They must be tame whales. "Did you notice," whistled Horatio, "that they all were gum shoes? Perhaps they belong to the Landlords Alliance!" "Unreasonable enough," affirmed Ambrose. "But, huzzah, who is yon strange personage?" And they concealed themselves behind one of their triple personalities. VOLUME V "I," said the strange personage, after the ad- venturers had surrounded him by a series of fore- ward passes, "am Gumshoe Gus, de Goof. How is your asthma doing?" "Remarkable," shouted Ambrose and Horatio in unison, almost together. "Where did you leave Lord Whifempoof?" "His Lordship," murmured Gumshoe Gus, picking one of his gum shoes on the crocheted counterpain of a silver-tipped asparagus bed, 'is aboard his whaleship, Bosco, in the center of the fleet. He has a steerage passage. Bosco is the one with the brown finish." "Irrevocable," screamed Ambrose. "Horatio, with this information we can find the Princess be- fore Emancipation Day. How did you leave her, Gus?" "On foot," sighed Gumshoe Gus, hanging his remaining shoe on the sky line. "However, I can not reconcile this erosion with my constitution." "Be careful," admonished Horatio, "not to let anything slip into your consttution that may be illegal." And they stepped aboard a passing hallucination. VOLUME VI Gumshoe Gus had just finished his boiled ba- nana sandwich when the hallucination came to an end, two miles west of Copenhagen. "So this is Connecticut," yawned Ambrose with modest mod- ulation. "I thought it was compulsory," rejoined Hora- tio, removing the zinc etching from Ambrose's ra- diator. "But why are you tying your imagination to that innocent pine tree?" "I am preparing to stretch it," answered Gum- shoe Gus. "Isn't that beautiful music?" "Yes," replied Ambrose, "it's my new hat band." Suddenly Horatio leaped into a canoe and started rowing desperately across the desert. "He drank too much carborundum and iron," explain- ed Ambrose, "in that last pint of mineral water." At this moment Horatio came dashing in with a squad of sand dunes. "I found them wandering around in the ocean," he explained, "and am tak- ing them home." "Halt," shouted Ambrose, "there comes Bosco and Lord Whifempoof, chasing a kangaroo und yon hillock. Conceal yourselves." And they slid under the first curtain of twi- light. VOLUME VII Lord Whifempoof threw out the life line and making it fast to a gentle zephyr, descended on three roller skates. "I usually come down in my breeches buoy," he remarked to the three mum keteers. "Where did you get those breeches, boy?" queried Gus in amazement. "Keep still," roared Ambrose, "His Lordship was not addressing you. But tell me," he continued to Lord Whifempoof, "How do you like that mountain?" "It's a nice mountain," interrupted Horatio, "but I'm afraid it won't dew." "Sh!" cautioned Whifempoof, "Bosco's back porch is stirring. We must be careful not to dis- turb it. Please throw down your conversations." "A thousand pardons," murmured Horatio, "I assure you that we did not realize that it was a sleeping porch." And they stepped across the horizon. 15 VOLUME VIII "Why are you so mournful?" asked Ambrose as Gus sent a column of sobs across the nearest glacier. "I was reared in a pine tree," moaned Gus. "Perhaps that accounts for the knots in your limbs," ventured Horatio, drawing a conclusion on the canopy of heaven. "It is not," bawled Gus, shedding crocodile tears into his alligator traveling bag. "Besides, my watch has stopped." "Perhaps it was a stop watch," reverberated Horatio. "Be quiet," screamed Ambrose at the top of his Adam's apple. "Who is that on the mezzanine floor of yon canyon?" "My conscience!" gasped Gus. "You flatter yourself," responded Horatio. "That is Shadey Sadie, the Princess' attendant-at- large. She must know where the princess is. Come onward to the mezzanine!" And they floated off on a flying wedge. VOLUME IX "The princess," remarked Shadey Sadie, "is still at large." "How large is the still?" asked Gus, spanking his chops. "Silence," roared Ambrose. "Sadie, I can tell by the inflection of your ears that you are possess- ed of a secret. Come, you must tell us where the Princess is imprisoned." "Hist!" cried Gus, "I hear something approach- ing!" "It is probably the millennium," yawned Horatio. "I will tell you my secret," sobbed Sadie. "The princess has been sent to Siberia for a rest. She blew a fuse in the Circuit Court!" Sadie seated her- self on a toad stool. "But the princess is angry at me," she continued. "I lost the silver cuspidor that belonged to her spit curls." Sadie's tears had now melted the glacier, and the adventurers found themselves standing on a street car track. "There has been a nervous wreck on this line," anounced Horatio. "Several of the ties have come untied." And they waved to a passing group of thunder. THE END Tiger Club Swami's Snorts From 1932 That girl may be ancient his- tory, but let me tell you her build wasn't roamed in a day. Vera: Did you know that papa's got the gout in his right foot? Frank: Well, I guess that puts the shoo on the other foot now. "I'll be frank with you," said the young man when the em- brace was over, "you're not the first girl I've kissed." "I'll be equally frank with you," she replied, "you've got a lot to learn." "Many worse things have come to pass," sighed the profes- sor as he gazed at the incoming class. "They call that couple over there the 'Teddy Roosevelts'." "Why?" "He's always rough and she's always ready." Portrait of a girl who ate a Blue Jay corn-plaster thinking it was a Life Saver Brown Derby TIGER Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. The Story of Little Nell OUT IN the barn a restless cow went "Mu-mu". At the sound, Hugo T'El1, the vicious villain, cursed, "Iota wring that cow's neck." In the house Nell was enter- taining her lover, Alpha. "What's the matter, Alpha, you haven't Eta bit tonight." "Phi, Nell, I Eta Lambda chop and a piece of Pi, and I drank a Kappa tea." Then the two lovers went to the living room and sat down be- side each other on the sofa. "Phi dontcha Gamma a kiss, Nell?" breathed Alpha. "Nu-a thousand times Nu," protested Nell. On the outside looking in, Hu- go T'Ell, the scheming villain cursed again. "I Beta dollar I could get her to Gamma a kiss. Phi she's in my power. She even climbs Upsilon my lap. Because I have a mortgage on her house." And he laughed-laff, laff. So saying, the unbelieving vil- lainous villain burst in the front door and Alpha Beta out the back door. "Heh, heh, my pretty maiden, Gamma the money to pay off the mortgage, or else." "Hugo T'Ell," cried Nell, "Iota slap your face." "So you Eta going to pay. Pi gosh, I'll fix you." So the unspeakably villainous villain carried little Nell to his car and Beta down the road. Our heroic hero, Alpha, was watching and he Zeta himself, 18 "Omega-d, what is he going to do with Nell?" So he leaped Upsilon his horse and Rho-d down the road. His Indian blood rose in him and he whooped, "Chi-Psi- Psi, Chi-Psi-Psi." Meanwhile Hugo T'Ell and poor little Nell had arrived at the banks of the Mrs. Slipping River. "IHeh, heh," gloated the very, very villainous villain. "What do you Zeta this? And what are your last words my pretty maid- en?" "Phi Psi, what'll you do?" an- swered little Nelll."Xi only want to do one thing. Gamma time to Sigma Nu torch song, 'Alpha Sundown'." And then (you wouldn't be- lieve it) villainous villain step- ped into a boat and, with little Nell, Rho-d out to the Delta in the river. "Arf, arf," he snickered, "In Alpha hour th,. tide will be Up- silon Delta and little Nell will go to her watery grave." That's Mr. and Mrs. Tilken--they've never been divorced So the (censored) villain jumped into his boat and Rho-d for the shore. Beta huge whirl- pool came Upsilon-side his boat and Hugo T'Ell died. He was whirled swiftly to the bottom of the river and Nu one ever saw him again. In a few moments Alpha Rho-d his Nu horse up to the banks of the Mrs. Slipping. "Omega-d," he Psi-d, "the tide is rising and Nell is stranded Alpha mile out Theta boat. Iota swim out and save her." So, while his horse Kappa standing there, Alpha dived into the raging torrent and swam toward the Delta. "Zeta man coming?" Nell cried. "Phi, I believe it is. it's Alpha!" With Nell Upsilon his sturdy back, Alpha struggled against the swift water and the fierce under-Tau. Phinally they were Lambda against the bank by the powerful current and Tau-ssed ashore. "Now will you Gamma a kiss?" panted Alpha. And she did and they now live Theta worry in a little house Pi the Psid of the Rho-d--com- pletely Independent! THE END What's the matter now? I've got infantile paralysis. I told you not to run around with those high school girls. Joan: How did you and Betty make out last night playing strip poker? Joe: Oh, everything came off nicely. * * * Artist: How much do you charge for posing as Cleopatra? Model: My regular price is eighteen dollars an hour for pos- ing in costume, but I always take ten percent off for cash. Freshman: Gutny mailfa me Postmaster: Whatsah name? Freshman: Itzon thenvelope. LONG'S Esser Drug Ernie's Steak House Sayman Products Co. The Saturday Evening Post Bev Rotroff Showme Anniversary Girl 1950 Showme Queen Miss Missouri PHOTO BY NORM FASTOW Swami's Snorts From 1936 You can lead a girl to water but she'll only use it for a chaser. Going around with women keeps you young. How's that? I started going around with them when I was a freshman and I'm still a freshman. First Gladiator: Give me a steak and make it thick and rare. Second Gladiator: Give me a steak and make it thicker and rarer. Third Gladiator: Chase the damn bull through here and I'll bite him on the run. She: How did you get the red on your lips? He: That's my tag for parking too long in one place. *** Salome, the first woman to discover the relation between gauze and effect * ;,* Where's the best place to hold the world's fair, Percival? Just above the waist, Archi- bald. Mizzou in the Twenties The Blue Shop Swami's Snorts From 1920 T-hound: How are the Chris- tian girls this year? Heavy: Aw, you can't fool me; there aren't any. Friend (at funeral): It must be hard to lose a wife. Bereaved: Almost impossible. * * 0 She: George, you looked aw- ful foolish when you proposed to kne. George: Very likely I was. Stu: What do freshmen do with their week-ends Dent: Put their caps on them. Do you know where little boys go who don't put their Sunday school money in the plate? Yeah. To the movies. Mae: Tom's so darn mascu- line. He always sees me in the wrong light." Kitty (sweetly): Which one is that--day light? "The ball is on the 40 yd. line. There's one minute to play. We're losing 7 to 6. This game decides the Championship. My back itches!" Swami's Snorts Do you know Jane Hathaway? I'll say she does! "Just think, old top, you can get a wife in Japan for 50c." "Well, I guess a good wife's worth it." Jennie: "Dick didin't blow his brains out when you rejected him He came around and proprosed to me." Jeanette: "Well, he must have gotten rid of them some other way then." * ** "Say, have you heard that old joke about crude oil?" "No, tell it." "I can't, it's not refined." Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the shimmy. Hazel: Aren't the profs around here theoretical? Nut: I'll say so. Professor No- witz starts off every morning with, "Now class, suppose you had a dollar." LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST Sumit your favorite joke and win a carton of assorted Life Savers. Entries should be addressed to "Joke Contest, Showme, 304 Read Hall, Co- lumbia, Mo." The winning joke will be published next month. Central Office Equipment Co. Life Savers Literary Indigestion REAT consternation was caused in the staid college town of Columbia, Mo., when it was asserted by one of its most re- spected citizens that a sport, com- monly known as petting, was found to be strongly entrenched within its borders. That this was the rule had been known for several years, but it was only recently that this seamy side of college life was given widespread publicity when a young person of the female sex (commonly called a co-ed or a girl) was found smoking in a closed car in one of the by-ways of the town. The lights on the car were dimmed. The sensation has spread far and wide until now national and international complications have arisen. War is being waged by the Society for Suppression of Petting Parties on the corn quaffing element of the town's younger set, who have declared that they will stand by their guns "until every petter has been petted, every necker, necked and until the oceans grow dry." Journals throughout the coun- try are commenting on the mat- ter which has caused the mach- inery for a Congressional inves- tigation to be set in motion. Commenting on the upheavel, Dean Bert Cackle, in the Colum- bia Razzourian, says: "I can't see nothing wrong in it. But what I can't understand is this: Why can't young ladies and co-eds smoke on college property instead of using the al- leyways? Ain't college property good enough for them? From now on I want no one to smoke any- 26 where but on the campus or in the University Buildings". "But," adds Dean Becky Beach Pretty, "how are you going to get all co-eds to smoke?" As re- ported in the Columbia Daily Baboon, she declares that- "I don't believe anything I see in the papers. And before I make any statement for publication I'll have to consult attorneys. It's for the courts to decide anyway." A different stand is taken by the "Police Gazette", which de- nounces in no uncertain terms the laxity of morals among the college generations. As cabled by the Unassociated Press, the Gaz- ette says: "There ain't no harm which- ever in a goil puffin' on a coffin tack if she has paid for them. John F. Fitzgerald and Flo Zieg- field both disagree that broads, frails, jennies and other people of the female gender should if they could." "But the Sears-Roebuck Cata- log is not content with this and, considering the affair from a dif- ferent standpoint, solemnly shouts from the housetops that since- "Our mechanical osculators can't be beat; you couldn't beat them if you wanted to. They re- spond to delicate treatment im- mediately and without trouble.' Significant, however, is the comment of the current issue of the Lydia Pinkham Almanac which, reading from left to right, including the Scandinavian, goes on to say as follows: "Enclose a stamped address- ed envelope to Lydia Pinkham, Lynn, Mass." "Buy them by the gross." Nevertheless and notwithstand- ing, "Sloppy Stories" maintains that necking is a menace to the race and so should be encouraged. As Mercy Park so admirably describes it in the last issue- "Mary Belle knocked at his door. She had brought hot wat- er. She crossed to his side, hesi- tatingly, silently. His breath quickened. He asked, without turning his head, What do you want Mary Belle? "Mother and Dad have gone out." "He did not turn. Well? "They-they will be gone quite a while." "Her vibrant, quiet words, her nearness, made his heart pound in slow, hearty throbs. What is this he felt, and had never felt so keenly? He wanted her to go --and yet he knew that before she left him, there would be an understanding between them. "As he turned to her, the se- cret of Mary Belle burst over him! "Late into the night. "Well, his uncle said, you've had an affair with the low class girl. What are you going to do about it?" The final note and a poignant one it is, is struck by Beatrice Fairfax whose "Advice to the Seasick" his stirred the world. In a recent issue of the "Checko- Slovakian Flypaper" she asser- vates a few of her personal ex- periences. One that throws a little mud on the subject has to do with the momentous question being debated. She tells it in her own inimitable way as follows: "Dear Miss Fairfax: I went out walking with my fellow last night and he took me to his room Did I do wrong? MABEL. "Dear Mabel: Did you? BEA- TRICE." THE END CAMPUS JEWELERS nEUKOmms Fire at Jesse Hall! Listen my children, while I tell you all, Of the Saturday night burning of Jesse Hall. ORDER YOUR cokes, kid- dies. Get your knees out of the isle. You might as well listen. You're going to be here for a few months--dashing past these old columns in the morning-ank- ling past them at night. It's time you learned why workshop can't put its posters on the middle column. Hey! Don't leave. Not without shaking in your share of the check anyway. I know you've been fooled. Around Mumford they told you the columns were once part of a building which the Ags carried off just to tease the Engineers. And the Engineers came up five minutes later and told you about someone over in Egypt-or was it Greece?-who heard about the heathen Ags and sent them the columns as a rep- resentative gift of paganism; that the Columbia express delivered them on the wrong campus and the Ags have been trying for years to get the funds to move them east. Yeah, I heard those tales, too, See, I've been around here a little longer than most of you. I figured they couldn't both be right so I moseyed over to the library and doped it out for my- self. It all began along about bath time on the snowy evening of January 9th, 1920. In the spa- cious, brilliantly lighted auditor- ium of the University, students were assembled awaiting an en- tertainment by the Athenian lit- 28 erary society and griping in the meantime about Christmas neck- ties and post-holiday quizzes. Suddenly into that merry crowd, crashed the great central sunlight-almost knocking the whole bunch cold. At once the hall was in genuine Halloween darkness. Everyone started howl- ing and elbowing around. The crowd eventually pushed itself out through the folding doors and the vestibule to safety. Everyone had something to say. "FIRE! FIRE! The Univer- sity is on fire." was the whoop that went around. Out in town the news spread, the old timers said, "Hell, those sophomores again." and settled back in their horsehair. But the fire reflected in the sky and soon all over town they were beginning to see the light. (!) Everyone stuck the kids in bed, blew out the lamp and started for the campus. The fire was putting on a show that the Athenians couldn't hope to have equalled. People stood around in the snow and forgot to notice what anyone else was wearing. The janitor, the fireman and a student ran up to the library. They swung an ax right through the floor and carried in the hose from a rack in the hall. There was a cistern in the basement in- to which water was pumped by a Worthington pump with a ca- pacity of 1,500 gallons an hour when it was doing its Worthiest. The only thing wrong with the water was its small ideas. In- stead of running out on the flames, it ran out on the janitor the fireman and the student. There was nothing else to do. The janitor, the fireman and the "Doesn't it make you wonder what the hell?" student ran out into the snowy night. The east wing had started to blaze. The snow began to cool one spectator off and he remem- bered the tablet of Jefferson's monument had been placed in the chapel. It was too late to do more than run a temperature about it. (Several days after the fire it was excavated, still al- most red hot from the ruins. It was broken in three pieces and beginning to pulverize.) The president's house repeatedly caught on fire and at one time the furniture was all rushed out for an airing. People were getting organized and things started moving. One professor led the charge to the museum. Elephants, tigers, croc- odiles and gorillas were dragged out together and got chummier there on the Columbia snow than they ever had in the Afri- can jungles. Another professor began the rescue of the law li- brary. The most daring group carried out apparatus from the physics lab. The climax came when the copper-sheeted dome got tired of being tied down and just went everywhere. Several men were in the building at the time. The floors and walls had more vibra- tion than a Harlem night club. The finale took place in the room in which were stored 14,- 000 pounds of ammunition for the rifles of cadets and shells and powder for the artillery detach- ment. They say that for years afterward Columbia kids would not give the 4th of July a second glance. It was after midnight before the fire had destroyed the west wing. Workmen clearing away debris four months afterward unearthed heated stones and red hot irons from that section. The show was over about two o'clock. Everyone went home to throw another lump of coal at the fire and warm up some cof- fee; except the cadets who sat around all night seeing that no one carried off the state's ashes. to full up their driveway. (continued next page) TALLEN BEVERAGE CO. RADIO ELECTRIC Missouri Showme Everybody was up early for Sunday morning. There was a meeting at 9 o'clock and the fac- ulty decided to go on with the work. There wasn't a sermon in Columbia that morning. All the ministers were over at the meet- ing. All available buildings were to be utilized. And Tuesday, after chapel, classes went ahead . with ev- erybody wondering if Easter vacation would be cut and E students griping because grade books had been burned and the Athenians priding themselves on having one program, at least, that really set the house on fire. THE END "What did you operate on this guy for?" "$800." "No, I mean, what did he have?" "$800." Chaleh: Why are college en- gagements like Chesterfield cig- arettes? Mollah: I give up, old dish- rag. Chalah: Mild, but they satis- fy. May we present Cavalry Cora whose love for the Army was purely platoonic. He: You're the world to me. She: Yeah? Well you're not going to make any Cook's tour tonight. Speak-easies are breaking up the home and prohibition agents are breaking up both. Tailor (to assistant): And who was that lady I seen you outfit last night? Woolf Bros. Life being what it is, Men being what they are, The girl who really goes places, Is the one who will go far. -1935 The grave-digger said Things appeared kinda Daft ter him So he dug a hole And pulled it in After him. -1933 Ladies and gentlemen, it's best we should see, The blissful life of the common bee. Free of charge, he gathers nectar, And on his hip has his own protector. He's never hounded by a sherriff, Nor gives a hoot about the tarriff. Miles and miles he goes without toil, Yet never endorses a motor oil. Would that I might fly and play, And make some honey every day! -1930 "Will you be my valentine?" Lafter Thoughts Blessing on thee, pretty misd, Quaker maid I long to kiss, With thy merry, wanton quips And thy quirking, lip-sticked lips All that sort of thing connotes, That thee knows thy Quaker Oats. -1928 'Twas in a restaurant they met- One was Romeo, T'other Juliet. 'Twnas here he first fell into debt, For Romeo'd what Juliet. -1927 The girl I respect, Is Miss Hassenflu; She never inquires, "Whatfratchabelongto?" -1925 A pretty young typist from Wor- cester Was well paid, but her boss soon redorcester. Then the boss one day thought "My scheme came to naught, For she don't do the work that that she yorcester." -1923 Said a sweet you, Miss from Mizzou, "Oh dear! I'm feeling so blue Because I have nothing to wear." "Never mind,' said her sister That question's no twister The way styles are now You should care!!" -1920 31 Vote Getter: Do we have any supporters at your house? Co-ed voice (indignantly): How should I know? We have enough trouble looking after our own. MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY Sudden Service Cleaners Swami's Snorts From 1923 "Wrigley has a rail-road train of his own." "A regular chew-chew train, isn't it?" "They say he is very wealthy." "Well, he certainly has a mint." The ship was nosing its way from Staten Island in a dense fog, the tugs honking their horns continually. "What kind of noise is that," asked the young thing. "That," said the captain, "is Long Island Sound." * ** The able-bodied men who used to raise Cain on New Year's Eve. didn't do Adam thing this year. Boss: Sir, what does this mean? Someone just called up and said that you were sick to- day and couldn't come to work. Clerk: Ha, ha! The joke's on him. He wasn't supposed to call up until tomorrow. I hear the si,,:show owner was arrested for disturbing the peace. What was he doing? Punchin' Judy! Swami's Snorts The clock strikes twelve. The twitching hour. Bette Anne strokes his hand with a wistful tenderness. "It's no use, David," she mur- murs brokenly. "We can never be happy together. You have your career and I have mine, and never the twain shall meet." "Everything Kipling said isn't always true. You know that. For my sake, Bette Anne, give up painting shoe trees and come back to me!" If the modern college girl is a clothes rack, then Lady Godi- va was a wardrobe trunk. Are you on the Showme staff? Yes, I pen for the book. Well, you ought to be booked for the pen. A freshman answer to a ques- tion: Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the chest and the stomach. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. The chest contains the lungs and a piece of liver. The stomach is devoted to the bowels, of which there are five a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y. Kissing a girl is just like opening a bottle of olives- the first may come hard, but it's a cinch to get the rest. Eat Shop The Novus Shop The DEN Laughs From the Campus H.R. Mueller Florist Peterson's Studio Swami's Snorts From 1925 How old is that flapper? In her early nicoteens. Hobb: That guy wears Indian neckware. Nobb: How come? Hobb: Bow tie and arrow col- lar. Most men like girls who re- fuse to wear short skirts any longer. Cheer leaders (to girls' cheer- ing section): Let's go girls. Show them you're Black and Gold supporters. Monday is wash day, but most college men are cleaned some- time between Friday and Sun- day morning. First Burglar: Where you been? Second Burglar: In a frater- nity house. First Bruglar: Lose anything? Joe: What was that you found on the sidewalk? Moe: I ain't saying. Joe: You and I have been frat brother for years, Moe. We've had no secrets. Moe: Well, I'm not telling, but if I ever catch the guy that spits like dimes, I'm going to kill him. Our idea of an optimist is an engineer on the local Katy. Nowadays the only thing that gets something for nothing is a vacuum clearner. Swami's Snorts "A rag and a bone and a hank of hair," mused the college stu- dent as he gazed sadly at the boarding house stew. Most boys would hate to be a duck and discover that their first pair of pants were down. What is the difference be- tween a school of journalism and a burlesque show? The women in the burlesque show are prettier. Attentions-things often mis- taken by flappers for intentions. "I'll never get over this," said the chicken as she rambled up to the ostrich egg. "Snap out of it," exclaimed the Theta as she discarded the garter. At the Theta House Frozen Gold Ice Cream QUALITY LAUNDRY Edgar's Maytag Boy of the Month... PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Dave Smalley Senior in Arts and Science . . .President of Alpha Phi Omega, service fraternity . . . President of Burrall Commission . Chairman of World Student Service Fund Drive. Vice-president of Athenaean Society . Burrall Cabinet . . Delta Sigma Rno, forensics honorary . Varsity Debate Squad . ex-member of Inter-Fraternity Pledge Council. 20 . Beta Theta Pi . Kansas City, Missouri. Girl of the Month... PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES BETTY ANN MAX Junior in Education . . . Treasurer of Student Government Association . . President of Sigma EpsilonSigma, sohomore women's honorary . Treasurer of Sigma Alpho lota, music honorary . Association of Wom- en Students Council . . .YWCA. .Home Ec Club . . University Sing- ers . ex-freshman representative on A.W.S. . ex-sophomore rep- resentative on SGA . Zeta Tau Alpha . 20. Crystal City,Missouri. 39 KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER Shaw & Sons Swami's Snorts From 1928 Something must be done, said the bride as she smelled the burning steak. The marriage knot is too often a slip knot instead of a slip not. A girl may not let you, but it's a safe bet that she appreciat- es your wanting to. She only a traveling man's daughter, but she gives mean samples. "Business is fine," yelled the scissors grinder. "I've never seen things so dull." The present chess champion of the world took 2 hrs. 10 min. utes to make one move in a re- cent match. Naturally there is a certain amount of jealousy in bricklaying circles. That's a hell of a note, said the monkey as he sneezed in the saxophone. The wife of the Advertising .manager of the Blistering Co. discovers to her horror that her husband has at last contracted a severe case of Halitosis. She is his closest friend but will she tell? The Mud Puppy One of the reasons for the downfall of the Outlaw was the column, The Mud Puppy. More or less a slander sheet, the Mud Puppy freely took sides on all issues, told stories about people which people would prob- ably have wished untold, and told them with names. Nothing was too high or too low for the at- tention of the Mud Puppy. A few exerpts have been chosen from several issues of the Outlaw-Ed March, 1929 HOWLING MOBS paced the barren sod outside the Mud Puppy's abode and hissed dire threats of revenge. But was our hero in the least terrified? Nay, for as the very tongues beyond babbled curses, the magnificent creature vanished into the night leaving the enraged mob to scream their rage at the moan- ing trees. A wise owl, who can see all and consequently knows all, saw the gorgeous Mud Puppy and his brood seated in a lus- cious grassy meadow, all chuck- ling, for had not the populace barked up the wrong tree? They had that, and still their prey steals through their very hands, safest when among them. Now, class, the first victim for dissection this morning is a persort known to the unfortunate few who do as "Cut-up" Cun- ningham. If he were stranded on a desert island with nothing but a mirror, he'd be happy. And what a way with the women Ask him how he does it and the answer, as expected is: "Be nonchalant, kid and let 'em know they're getting a bar- gain." Now, in all seriousness, what can you do with a guy like that? Is he handsome? (Chorus of mixed voices, mostly mixed) Yes, oh my Gawd, yes, he is very handsome. (Step, chorus and ex- it). The curious may locate this phenomena during the social hours at any of'the joints. He sits in the booth, eyes upon all female newcomers, sucks his sody, looks at all female new- comers, never takes his eyes off the fema (check) and looks at the girls. His little circle of body- guards warns him of any im- pending catastrophe to his vest and chin. (They are an admi- rable clique of satellites, trained well since their freshman days.) He may be identified by his hat-excuse the appellation, Knox and Co.,-which expresses his individuality or rather, his courage. But it is when his hat is off that his real work begins. Quickly, quickly, he rushes to the sides of acquaintances, slaps their backs, cracks wise at the girls, promises the boys a drink in the near future and on to the next table. With fair results he makes three parties a month. October, 1928 This idea of taking social priv- ileges away has its drawbacks. The Thetas are muttering, "Dance, where is thy sting?" and the Kappa Sigs proudly maintain that they are as dumb from the neck up as they are in the back yard. Of, course, the Thetas have their social attractions, judging from the way those scantily clad Fords are stacked up outside. Some of their pledges (I could Missouri co-eds might help against Oklahoma this way. 41 PHONO GRILL Stein Club BRADY'S not keep my promise) are full of U.S.A., which means Unusual Sex Appeal. One Queenly expo- nent burst into Harris' the other night and fifty forks were drop- ped simultaneously. As I was at the cashier's cage writing a ma- hogany promise to pay, etc., I was unable to notice whether it was a body by Fisher or if her stockings were coming down. January, 1929 There he is, folks! Oh, you great big, cute little devil! He tries to muss up all the little co- eds (single standard rough house stuff) and occasionally steals a kiss if the girl is tight enough. The big 'one-date' man of this campus, George F-----. His huge bulk is always crammed inside his varsity sweater and he nev- er wears a hat. Probably they don't make them big enough. This baby hippo is frequently seen at dances, but as he never does that sort of thing, he is very efficient in lending local col- or to the occasion. Somebody please graduate him! February, 1929 The seven passenger bath-tub goes to Lucille M---- for being the dumbest female in these parts. Her psychology professor requested each member of the class to submit a question, writ- ten, pertaining to the subject. This requirement soared way be- yond her intellectual capacity, and so she coerced a willing lad into doing the said duty for her. He did. It was submitted without even being read by the young lady in whose name it was signed. "If it is an ascertained fact that I am biologically descended from a silly jackass, it is no doubt ap- parent that conditioned reflexes are responsible for many of the wrongs that are committed in this naughty world." Miss M---- batting average is quite consis- tent. June, 1929 They say Stephens' formal was quite the berries. The tele- phone had a rush of business the day preceeding the brawl due to the last mintue efforts to round up enough gullible University men with which to block up enough entrances to keep the sprightly sisters from galloping off in the moonlight. A few of the prettier babes were fortu- nate in hooking a male for the evening; but the "eute ones with an awfully nice personality" had the roomies on every wire in town. "Well if you CAN come, please bring about 45 others with you. G'Bye." After the chape-ones had ex- tracted the information that you were going into Journalism and that your father was a lawyer in Push-Push, Oklahoma, the danc- ing commenced. The sheer-silk- ily clad legs meandered about in every conceiveable direction but in the right one. It was impos- sible to elude the rhinestone missles by stepping outside. When you're in, you're IN! The chaps (pet name for chaperones) had the joint well'protected from external stimuli in the form of shady lanes. Every speck of lip- stick that went to the dance came out of it on the former owner, thus making the dance a total flop. We did hear some- thing about one little girl that beat it to Jeff City; but as far as we know she is still there. They are going to have another dance next semester but that is where we will take it out on the freshmen-we'll make them go. THE END The movie theatres in Colum- bia are just like careful poker players. They never start any- thing until they get a full house. DORN-CLONEY Korn Krib Harris Showme Contributors' Page Ed Overholser Photograph by Julie's Studio Ed Overholser is our surprise man' of the year. We expected him to be good, but not that good. Ed impressed us a lot last year with his sales ability and so, even though he had had onmy a semester on the staff, we made him ad manager. Being worriers we kind of fretted about Ed during the sum- mer realizing the difficulties of running a staff by mail; but Ed, being a good ad man and a wor- rier himself turned in a fine job of selling and setting up our ads. Ed is a rather quiet person- we think. We haven't seen enough of him to really be sure; but work and worry seem to be his main pasttimes. His shyness became apparant when we told him that he would have a write- up. Immediately he became the little man who wasn't tnere and when he finally found him, he couldn't give us enough informa- tion to fill a paragraph. We did find out that Ed is 20, an advertising major from that explosive town, Texarkana, Tex- as, and a Kappa Alpha with an honest-to-pete southwestern ac- cent. This is Ed's senior year in J- school so we can look for a full year of Ed's fine work. He is al- ways on the look for new sales- men, so if you have ideas or am- bition, Ed is the man to see. 44 Mel Britt "What a riot." Those words have practically become synon- imous with Mel Britt on the Showme staff. Mel became the keystone of Showme gag meet- tings from the time she walked into the back room of the Shack and joined our gag-weary gang. Since joining the staff last semester, Mel has moved into the proof-reader position, and, more lately, the joke editorship. We're expecting the jokes to improve considerably. We asked Mel how she got that 'terrific" sense of humor and according to her, she "does- not know how she got that way." We're glad she did. Besides loving to laugh, Mel loves music. Once upon a time, she tells us, she sang with a band, but gave it up-for laugh- ing, no doubt. Mel is also a big help to the staff in Jefferson City when we set up the magazine. She inhei ited Audrey Geisey's old job of setting type and came through with honors and only a few mis- spelled words. Mel is 20 and an Advertising major from Granite City, Ill., (that rough East Side), and a member of Zeta Tau Alpha. Herb Knapp In case you don't recognize Herb Knapp in the photograph, it's because his eyes are open (or are they?). We can't figure out whether Herb is just tired all the time or just works hard all the time. One thing we do know about Herb; he has become a whirl- wind on the art staff this year and wasn't happy until we notic- ed 'his ambition and made him art editor. From that position Herb hopes to build up the art staff (he's on the prowl for new talent, you artists) and discover new ways to illustrate stories. You prob- ably noticed his lay-out on "Paul Parrut" in the Orientation Issue. Herb hasn't reached the ranks of professionalism as yet, but his cartoons have been re-printed in other college mags and we wouldn't be surprised to find Herb in the big time some day- when he opens his eyes and finds it there. A Kansas City boy (where he worked in a lumber yard this summer), Herb is 19, majoring in (Herb says, "No comment") and a member of Pi Kappa Alpha. Photograph by Julie's Studio Harzfeld's Camel Cigarettes