Missouri Showme December, 1950 Missouri Showme December, 1950 2008 1950/12 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195012

Missouri Showme December, 1950; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1950

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Missouri Showme December 1950 25 cents Christmas Issue The Blue Shop Edgar's Maytag Pucketts Central MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY Letters Dear Editor: Enclosed you will find a check in payment of one year's sub- scription to Showme. This subscription will give your illustrious publication in- ternational circulation, as each copy will be forwarded to Mar- shall Loeb, '50 who is now the assistant director of the first In- ternational Student House in Germany. Very truly your, Monroe H. Loeb Chicago, Ill. Marshall's many friends at Miz- zou will be glad to hear this word about Marshall. And we are glad to add another country to our foreign list which now in- cludes Guatemala and Korea- Ed. Dirty Magazines Last month we heard that the Harvard Lampoon had come up against a situation that is cer- tainly not foreign to campus hu- mor mags. A judge had branded it "filthy, licentious and obscene." Same judge ordered all copies burned. It had happened before to other magazines, but we were interested enough to look up the story in a Boston paper. There we read that an unidentified member of the Lampoon staff had excused the magazine by saying that "it had to be dirty because it was a parody on mid- western magazines." Immediately our mid-western wrath hit the ceiling and we took it upon ourselves to defend the entire mid-west as well as Showme. A letter was directed to the Lampoon editor (no reply as yet); and we hereby make that letter public. Dear Editor: I have just read, in a Boston paper, of your magazine difficul- ties. I would like to direct a few words to the member of your staff who explained that the magazine was what it was be- cause it was a parody on mid- western magazines. Sir: To one who has read al- most every college magazine is- sued in the mid-west in the past year, it is quite apparent that your mental growth was retard- ed in your younger years and what remains of it is able to per- ceive nothing but filth-every- thing else is evidently rejected. The supremely broad and ex- quisitely generalized statement about "mid-western magazines" is an insult to the mid-west and every editor who has wielded a pica rule in this area. It demon- strates a lower-than-grade-school intelligence and an ability com- parable to a stone age mastadon. If the magazine was filthy be- cause it was a parody on mid- west magazines, it is evident that only choice filth was selected and anything else omitted. We could do the same with eastern magazines. The western maga- zines, including Showme have had their difficulties also. But we, thank God, do not possess staff members spineless enough to attempt to throw the blame onto other magazines. I sincerely hope that the views of this one staff member are not held by the entire staff of the Lampoon because the above statements apply to all who feel that way. Sincerely, Jerry Smith, editor Missouri Showme "Gee! Only 12 more days 'til I get my gift from Julies." The Hathman House BRADY'S editor's ego WE were really gratified by the enthusiastic reception that was given the Pest issue last month. It seems that just about everyone liked it-after we had convinced them this was really an issue of Showme and not something new in the way of campus magazines. We are very unhappy because we had to sell on Tuesday and evidently only about half of the school goes to class on this day. So if anyone is particularly in- terested in obtaining a personal copy of the Pest we have an al- most unlimited supply. The reason we were late with this issue is because of the added color pages and the special ef- fort put into making it a good parody. We actually started work on it last June. It was a lot of work, but evidently you, the reader, enjoy this sort of stuff, so we wouldn't be surprised to see more of it in the future. This month we have come back with our standard format and the annual Christmas issue. Next month we will present another oddity in the way of issues, our Comic Book parody. We will present our conception of some of the better known comic strips. Last month we were more than delighted to receive another addition to our collection of All- American awards from the Na- tional Scholastic Press Associa- tion. This is the fourth time we have been awarded this top honor. Since our last two issues were devoted to material other than the up-to-date activities at Miz- zou, we have sort of spread our- selves out and tried to cover the major events since September. Our photo editor is exhausted from trying to select photos for Candidly Mizzou. See you next month in my last issue, the Comic Book. Staff Editor-in-chief Jerry Smith Associate Editors Herb Green Glenn Troelstrup Advertising Director Ed Overholser Photo Editor Tom Smith Publicity Directors Fred Seidner Marshall Siegel Art Editor Herb Knapp Exchange Secretary Mary Ann Dunn Business Manager Alan Ebner Asst. Bus. Manager Carolyn Lipshy Circulation Managers Homer Ball Dude Haley Dick Sedler Sales Manager Dick Rogers Secretary Mary Ann Fleming Joey Bellows Joke Editor Mel Britt Art Staff: Pat Kilpatrick, Marilyn McLarty, Don Pengally. Photos: Gene Rapier, Al Paro Advertising: Joy Kuyper, Carroll Sand, Sally Lofquist, Jack Moran Features: Don Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, Joel Gold Publicity: Lou Block, Bernie Bloom, Phil Cohen, Herb Eisman, Jay Goldman, Doris Gordon, Lloyd Hellman, Judy Klawans Joy Laws, Barbara Lee, Peggy Marak, Hank Morder, Marilyn Osgood, Nikki Zemliak. Circulation: Bill Alexander, Bob Herman, Jerry James, Harold Wiley The Pen Point Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents The Reluctant Sultan Introducing a new character, Cholly the Mag- nificent, who spends a profitable vacation in North Africa solving the case of the Sultan who hated women__14 Pre-Christmas Formal Another angle on the primer theme. An inti- mate view of the big social life-by way of pics- with no holds barred. Maybe you'll see someone you know _--------- ______-- - ---------------- 16 The Night Before Christmas You've all heard the poem; it's been present- ed in a hundred different ways-but never this way. Glenn Troelstrup has taken pen between teeth and given his interpretation ______------ - ---18 Christmas Presents Want to know what to give that special guy for Christmas? Here's a half dozen suggestions from Herb Green. Men may wish to cut this out and send it home _ ------------ _-. 23 Black Wreaths For Christmas Remember the Christmas Issue last year? Don Dunn wrote a story called "What's Merry About It" concerning a brat and the uncle who didn't believe in Santa Claus. Here's a continuation --------------28 COVER BY PAT KILPATRICK Volume 27 December, 1950 Number 4 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. THE ice and snow are everywhere As the chill of winter appears; In each icy crevice a student Lies, sipping the cup that cheers. 6 Around the Columns Overheard In the September issue of Showme we ran a story concern- ing the idea that sidewalks at Mizzou (even what's left of them) are the personal property of co-eds. Perhaps you thought that was a big joke, but evidently there is some guilt and a subsequent aggressiveness in the minds of some girls. We submit the fol- lowing Overheard as proof. Two male students were walk- ing up Hitt St., headed for the library. In front of them walked two girls, spreading themselves across the sidewalk. As the fellows approached the T-classrooms, one of them hit on the normal idea of cutting be- tween the T-buildings to get to the library. Turning to his companion he said, "Let's cut through the middle." One of the girls stopped, whirl- ed around and snapped, "You can walk around us!" Expensive Society We're beginning to have our doubts about some of this BIG SOCIAL LIFE on campus. Our biggest question is "why?" We're referring to the BIG (obligatory) SOCIAL LIFE, of course. We were talking to a feminine member of an organized house the other day and she was tell- ing us that she had to go to a party at a masculine organized house that week-end, but she didn't want to go. We smiled and remarked (in- telligently, we thought) that if she didn't want to go, why didn't she just skip it? "Oh, but I HAVE to go," she said. It was that or face a fine-a lucrative fine. And so we wonder about the BIG SOCIAL LIFE. Perhaps it's insulting to be invited to a party and not show up. But it seems even more of an insult to know that you have invited people to a party and some of them came because they couldn't afford to pay a fine. Actually it's difficult to ima- gine any advantage in the BIG SOCIAL LIFE. If there's any so- cial prestige to be gained by it, then it's certainly a prestige built on a feeble foundation. Downright Polite An ex-GI in Oklahoma deserv- es some sort of recognition for his sacrificial attitude. He wrote his draft board and told them that he was married, had three kids, and was in the last war for four years. He remarked, "I don't want to crowd in ahead of anyone else who wants the experience." By George, man-bully for you!" Barnwarmin' When Barnwarmin' time rolls around, more than one person wonders if they shouldn't have taken up agriculture in order to rate entrance to this "downright popular" affair. Great was our surprise and pleasure when we were handed tickets and given the privilege of whooping it up in jeans for an evening. Our impression is that Barn- warmin' lives up to everything said about it. The decorations are elaborate, the music is won- derful, the spirit is terrific, the organization is perfect, and the cider reaches the proper de- gree of hardness. Our hats are off to the Ag Club for the biggest event on campus. Four Winds Dorms The SE, NW and SW Dorms are pretty sharp. Ah, yes, how can we help but admit it. Some- one commented that they were like prison cells because they could be cleaned with a hose. But we will go on record as say- ing they are strictly great. When we first moved in, about half the furniture was missing and we never expected to see it. But it was in within two weeks. That was enough to give us ner- vous prostration; but when they walked in one day and began putting up tie racks, we threw up our hands and fell babbling to the floor. We could not gripe about not being able to tack stuff to the wall, but that wonderful inven- tion, the cellophane tape, does the trick almost as well as a large nail and we have most every- thing plastered up. 7 Boiled Potato Art Of course, with every advan- tage, there's a nice disadvantage to kill the joy. In the case of those nice dorms, it's that neme- sis of culinary art, Crowder Hall. We don't much give a damn what anyone says-we've eaten there for almost three years and consider ourself as experienced experts. Our opinion-the food stinks. If half the mangled food that is daily thrown away in Crowder could be re-sold. it would pay for a couple of decent meals a week. Breakfast is a wonderful start for battling classes all day. Crowder has done to the egg what the atom bomb did to Hiro- shima. If a person doesn't gag on the greasy breakfast, he is given an- other chance in the afternoon. It's impossible to describe most of the lunches since we aren't privileged to see the menu. iDs- tinguishing the lunch by taste is impossible. However, trying to figure what one is eating does take one's mind off the taste. Then comes dinner, and.if you are one of the early ones, you might get what's on the menu, and now and then it's pretty good. If you aren't early you can wait for fifteen to twenty min- utes and partake of the left-overs (from some other meal.) What should be done? We can only gripe. To try to make any suggestion would be a useless waste of time and energy. That's how far it would go. Critics-All Expert Every once in a while a staff member approaches the editors and says, "We gotta do some- thing about this mag." "Like what," we say. "Well, you know-we gotta put a little more stuff in-you know what I mean." We know. So we give the per- son the stock answer and tell him to tell his friend that he can get that kind of magazine behind the counter in back-alley deli- catessens. If you're looking for filth-- you've got the wrong mag. We figure that out of our 4500 read- ers. maybe a hundred or two are looking for filth. We can lose 'em and probably will. We're in the market for criti- cism-but not that kind. We're also NOT interested in the writ- ing experts who tell us how to write our stories, while they do theirs in their imagination. What we are interested in are the opinions of the guy and gal who plop down their two-bits monthly, look at the mag, like it or don't like it-the people who don't consider themselves anoth- er Stephen Vincent Benet after a course in Narration, or anoth- er Al Capp after Introduction to Art. We want to know what you like and* don't like, what you would like to see more of or less of, or something that you would like that isn't there at all. If you like the mag as is, then we have accomplished our pur- pose. If not, let us hear about it. We're not a bunch of potential dictators trying to tell you what you should enjoy; we're a bunch of worried people doing our damnest to please you. Our ad- dress is 304 Read Hall, and we love letters. Soozie Stebens Some Suzie reputedly sure stuck her neck out when she remarked that all University of Missouri boys are "interested on- ly in one thing." while a Look magazine writer was around. Isn't that a wonderful remark? We could just do wonders with it. For example we could say "birds of a feather", or "lots of M.U. men are interested in other th:ngs, but a lot of times they can't find girls with those other things." We could even go farther and remark that some people sure can make "broad, generalized statements" in order to give the impression that they have been out with "all" (around 5,000) Missouri men. "Well my dear, here's looking at you." Naturally no one would try to say they had dated that many men-but it does sound nice when one is making a feeble at- tempt at being intelligent. Of course, the whole thing has been "vehemently repudiated" so we can't direct any remarks at the girl who didn't say it. 20th Century Foxy We heard a radio report the other day that just made us jump up and down, clap our hands and say "goody-good." All this display of emotion was for Twentieth-Century Fox: the movie outfit. Orson Welles, oooh, that naughty villain, had remarked that Anti-Nazis were thick as hen's teeth in Germany. Wasn't that just too awful of him- and with his 20th Century Fox picture playing in Germany. So that nice Fox company im- mediately withdrew his picture. quickly apologized that the views of Orson Welles were not those of 20th Century, and commented that his contract with them was not too strong. Aren't they terrific? We were just reading last week about the increasing display of Nazi-ism in Germany, and it made us think that 20th Century is doing a re- markable job of keeping its eye on the almighty dollar. We sug- gest a congressional citation for this outstanding action. Bus-iness The citizens of Columbia should be mighty proud of their bus line. It's an independent bus line, you know. In fact it's prob- ably the most independent damn- ed bus line in the United States. Have you heard about the wonderful thing they are doing during football games? They run a special line from the stadium to Broadway-only two-bits per. It's a nice system-for some- one. What happens to the people who regularly ride the bus-the people who have to use the bus to get home? Well, while this special service is going on, those people stand on a cold corner and twiddle their frostbitten thumbs. When the two-bit business has been squeezed dry, the busses re- turn to their regular routes and the poor citizen who should have been home an hour ago, indulg- ing in a warm dinner, is allowed to drag his half-frozen carcass aboard a bus and donate his daily dime. The citizens of Columbia should be proud of their bus line. It's independent, you know Jazz at the Barn Our hormonic was philled, the lights went out and the jazz be- gan. And for two hours Brewer Field House had the greatest strain on its foundation since it was built. Who says Jazz at the Phil wasn't good? We didn't hear them. There was a lot of griping about the $1.80 fee-but that was before the lights went out. When they went on again, we didn't hear one complaint. The only gripe that we have to offer is that the guy on the spotlight must have been a long hair; he seemed determined to bury soloists in the obscurity of darkness. Flip Phillips stole the spotlight as far as we could determine (eliminating the rhythm section and Buddy Rich). Is he good? Ask the people three blocks away who were frightened out of two years by the applause. Our hats off to S.G.A. for bringing Jazz at the Phil to Miz- zou and for the terrific job they are doing in their attempt to make "school spirit" a big thing here. And Etcetera Haven't we been nasty people in this month's Columns? With three months of gripes well pre- served through two special is- sues we could hardly avoid it. Maybe we'll say something nice next month. 9 candidly mizzou TOM SMITH ALL DRESED UP like Sir Lancelot, Terry Rees made an armor plated bid for Knight Owl last month. He didn't win but tilted a few votes his way and ended up as Hoot Owl. His dress is probably the most spectacular seen in these parts for many a day. The horse, poor soul, thought he was going to bed when they put a blanket on him. 10 BURT McNEIL THIS SORORITY had the inside dope from the weather man. Their float was the most appropriate one in the homecoming parade. Luckily, the truck kept going and the, er."horses" didn' have to work. GENE RAPIER KNIGHT OWL hisself, Gordon "Mike" Capes admires something in the balcony after his coronation. The owl gives the once-over to his new master. He probably decided the tie, and the crown and the feathers matched per- fectly. TOM SMITH YOU CAN'T tell is from this picture, but Flip Phillips is standing about two feet off the ground, a position occupied by most of the crowd while Flip did terrific things at Jazz at the Phil. Buddy Rich and Bill Harris are in the background. TOM SMITH SURROUNDED by all kinds of shubbery, and being aided by her date, Ann Robey makes up for lack of surprise by being happy after her crowning as Barnwarmin' Queen. She and 9,000 students knew all day that she would win- and they were right. 11 TOM SMITH NOW TAKE a good look and tell us if the guy on the left hasn't received a resounding smack in the face from that girl. We wonder what he said. Actually these people aren't on a sleepwalking binge. They're cheer leaders trying to keep two feet off the ground at the "nightie" pep rally. TOM SMITH Also Present at the big blow were two personalities. On the left is the Kansan, in effegy, who found things almost as hot here as he did on the field the next day. On the right is the split-T man, Don Faurot, who said that Kansas had a pretty good team but he knew all along that we were going to beat the hell out of them. 12 photo of the month TOM SMITH THE FIRST SNOW of the winter came down to take a look at Homecoming activities. It assured a cold body when the Jayhawk was carried off the field. Sue Regan takes time out from her Savitar editing duties to see if the stuff is real and found out that it was no snow job. 13 the reluctant sultan Cholly the Magnifcent was in North Africa on business-as yet he hadn't found her. Obediah didn't believe in Santa Claus-but he was soon to have his mind changed. BY JERRY SMITH 3HIS is the infidel of which I spoke, oh, all potent one." The one designated as the in- fidel drew up his four and a half by four frame and sneered at the prostrate form of the speaker. He then looked coldly at the all po- tent one. "Ah!" said the all po- tent one. "He of the name, Cholly," said the prostrate one. "The magnificent," added Cholly, producing a yo-yo and flipping it at the form of the prostrate one. Cholly the mag- nificent, amateur magician, jack- of-all trades and lover of fine women was enjoying the Christ- mas vacation in a remote part of North Africa. Actually he was there on business; as yet he had not found her. "The prostrate one tells me you are possessed pf miraculous powers," said the all potent one. gazing at the jo-yo. "That's the advantage of mod- ern publicity and promotion," Cholly remarked. "It can even snow in Africa." The yo-yo dis- appeared and a harmonica took its place. Cholly broke into a quick chorus of Penguin at the Waldorf. "I am the Grand Vizier of Moozwug, executive chief assis- tant to the Sultan Ivanapowto, the thirty second, of Moozwug," announced the all potent one. "Well," Cholly countered. "I am Cholly the magnificent, of the Pennsylvania magnificents, twice removed from a discharg. ed Leftenant of his majesties high-pocket marines, late of the. Crimean peninsula." The Vizier was impressed. "I am employing you," he declared, "for ten thousand dollars." 14 Cholly broke off in the middle of a snappy take off on The Great Speckled Bird and scrtach- ed his bald head. "If you're successful of course," the Vizier added. A large tear slid down his skinney scheek. "It's so very sad," he sobbed. 'Tch," Cholly said sympathet- ically. He pulled a small table cloth from his coat and offered it to the Vizier. "The Sultan is reluctant," the Vizier sniffed. "It's terribly mor- tifying to me. I'm the one that must answer to the public." "You're getting your shirt all wet," Cholly said, trying to esti- mate local laundry prices. "I'm desperate," The Vizier screamed, grabbing Cholly by the coat and pulling him off the ground. "What seems to be the trouble?" Cholly said politely. debating whether to kick the ag- gressor in the shins or stick a finger in his eye. "The Sultan refuses to have children." "Where I come from we leave that up to the women," Cholly advised, kicking the Vizier in the shins. "Women," shouted the Vizier, dropping Cholly, "He has hun- dreds of women-the most beau- tiful women iin the world." "I don't know," said Cholly, remembering a little number in St. Louis. "He despises them," the Vizi- er confided. "He's completely in- ILLUSTRATED BY HERB GREEN compatable and the people ex- 'pect him to have chilren. I've tried everything but it's no use. His father had hundreds of chil- dren, hundreds; but he won't have one-not even a little one. He hates women!" He sank to the floor babbling. "You expect me to convince him for ten thousand," Cholly asked, nibbling on a fig he had pulled from his sleeve. "Precisely." "Start makin' cribs." II The room was a small stadium decorated in various hues of gold and various sizes of gems. At one end was a large dias on which sat several turban-topped men. Spread around the room at regular intervals and irregular suggestive poses were a large number of women, who were pleasantly close to being naked. In a cleared space before the dias a slender, dark-skinned girl was twisting her body and mov- ing provocatively in rhythm to the ttr ic of a hidden flute. Her body assumed fantastic poses. Cholly wiped the perspiration from his forehead. "This is the great, hall," the Vizier whispered. "Where's the Sultan" Cholly asked. "In the red turban." Cholly picked out the red tur- ban. The man.wearing it was re- clining flat on his back, complete- ly obvious of his surroundings. A gentle snoring sound issued from his lips. About a dozen men were seated near him. They were having trouble controlling their eyes and themselves. The girl continued her spine-tingling anm tics. (Continued on page 20 ) The Unaffiliated Gentlemen's Society of the University has been invited to a pre-Christmas formal by the Woman's Agrarian Social Association. The girls have just entered the ballroom and the men rush to greet them Pre-Christmas Formal As the music begins, Claudia Fipple sings into the warm embrace of her dashing partner who whirls about the floor looking for an exit to dash through. 16 The president of the U.G.S. of the U. of M. is told that he is expected to dance with the charming and gracious president of the W.A.S.A. The faculty adviser closely watches the couples who have been spending too much time near the coke machine. Wilhamina Snorkle, the queen of last year's dance, dressed in the latest thing from Paris, calmly pre- pares to make her entrance as the band plays "The Blue Bird of Happiness." Lily Marlene glances coyly over her shoulder to see if anyone is noticing the new formal she made her- self at a cost of practically nothing. 17 The Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse. And Ma in her kerchief And I in my cap, Had just settled down For a long winter's nap. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters, Threw up the sash. When what to my wondering Eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh And eight tiny reindeer. The children were nestled All snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums Danced in their heads. When out on the lawn, There rose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed To see what was the matter. The moon on the breast Of the new-fallen snow, Gave a luster of mid-day To objects below. With a little old driver So lively and quick I knew in a moment It must be St. Nick. "To the top of the porch, To the top of the wall. Now, dash away, dash away, Dash away, all." As I drew in my head, And was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas Came with a bound. His round little stomach Was drawn up in a ball. (He'd forgotten to take His damn' Hadacol!) Then, laying his finger Aside of his nose, And giving a nod, Up the chimney he rose. More rapid than eagles His coursers they came, And he whistled and shouted And called them by name. And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, The prancing and pawing Of each little hoof. His eyes, how they twinkledl His dimples, how merryl His cheeks were like roses, His nose like a cherry. The stump of a pipe He held tight in his teeth. The smoke, it encircled His head like a wreath. And I heard him exclaim Ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!" DORN-CLONEY JUKE CLUB KORN KRIB "How old is he?" Cholly asked. "Two thousand and ninety two," the Vizier said without bat- ting an eyelid. "Must be a little on the brittle side." "That's his official age. Actu- ally he was born in 1917." A fan appeared in Cholly's hand. He began using it. He glanced at the scantily clad wom- en, then let his eyes roam over the dancing girl. . .she twisted and swayed, her eyes half closed. He sighed and looked at the Sul- tan. He had turned so that his back was to the girl; his rasping snores could be heard above the music. "Get two thousand yards of silk," Cholly finally said. III Cholly showed the Sultan how to cut an Ace with one hand and they became friends. The Sul- tan took Cholly hunting. They were gone for two weeks. The Sultan shot up the countryside for a radius of five hundred miles and didn't get a thing. Cholly didn't like to hurt ani- mals. He made passes at every girl within a radius of five hun- dred miles and had better luck. "Cholly," said the Sultan when they arrived home, "Is too bad we returning. Must now contend- ing with cow-eyes women and Grand Vizier." The Sultan had picked up a little English. "They all having one tracks mind." "Tch," Cholly said, picking a cigarette from the air and light- ing it with his finger tip. "Tch, tch." He followed the Suitan nm- to the palace. A guard at the door bowed low. Cholly dropped his cigarette into his boot. The man remained motionless, his face contorted with confusion. "Strong constitution," Cholly thought aloud, wondering if it was worth the trouble to conjure up another cigarette. He followed the Sultan down a gold plated hallway. The palace was unusually quiet, according to the Sultan. "Palace quiet unusually," he said. Cholly contented himself with trying to peel some of the gold from the walls. The Sultan ieached the entrance to the great hall just as a girl slithered from the doorway. The Sultan glanced at her and continued in. Sudden- ly he stopped short and jerked around, his mouth wide open. The girl was completely cloth- ed from head to foot; only her lowered eyes showed. She dis- appeared into another room. The Sultan stepped into the great hall a dazed expression on his face. The room was sprinkled with chattering women. When they saw the Sultan, they gathered into small groups with their backs to him and whispered quietly. They were completely swathed in silk. Not a limb show- ed. The Sultan gawked. Cholly smiled. Everywhere the Sultan went he found that his women had adopted the new look-they were walking monuments of silk. They also refused to look at him. Be- fore they had smiled and wink- ed. Now they lowered their eyes and buried their faces in folds of silk. The Sultan ordered a dance- his first. The Vizier rejoiced; the girls danced like puppets. Their movements were stiff and with all the clothing it was impossible to tell exactly what was moving. The Sultan watched, his jaw slack, his face pale. Exactly one week later a strange light entered the hag- gard eyes of the Sultan and he swore loudly at a dancing girl. TALLEN BEVERAGE CO. The Novus Shop "'Ave a bloody eyeball." SUSIE STEPHENS By herb green KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP "Gee, just what I wanted." Tiger Club What to give the College Man for Christmas by Herb Green Something that will give him hours of pleasure A simple card wishing him a happy Yule tide will do Give him *something practical Make your present a pleasant surprise Give him a warm welcome Above all give him something he can use Frozen Gold Ice Cream MISSOURI STORE IV "Nine thousand, ten thou- sand," Cholly said. He produced a brush from his sleeve and be- ganr shining his shoes. "It all seems so simple," the Vizier reflected. "Natch." "We have quite a bit of cloth left, two thousand yards was quite a bit." "Get some more women," Cholly suggested. "Oh, it's maddening enough now," The Vizier said gleefully. "Felt that way myself," Cholly admitted making the ten thou- sand disappear. "What's this Sul- tan job pay anyway?" The Vizier ignored the ques- tion and walked away rubbing his hands. Cholly walked slowly down the hall wondering if the jewels in the wall would pry loose easily. The girl smiled as he passed, lowering her face covering enough to let Cholly know that she was the girl who had danced that first day in the grand hall. Cholly patted her under the chin. "Felt that way myself," Cholly reflected. The cloth dropped a little more. A strange light entered Cholly's eyes. He pulled a yo-yo from the, air and began whirling it. "Tch," said Cholly the magni- ficent. "Tch, tch." THE END Swami's Snorts "Is the clock still running?" "Na, it's standing still wagging its tail." She: "The men run after my kisses." She second: "So what? After mine, they limp." Have you heard about the devil who backed into a lawn- mower, then went into a liquor store because he heard they re- tailed spirits? "I think when William and I are married, we'll go to Bali Bali and see what it's like." "Don't be silly, it's the same everywhere." Girl: "We were out in his yacht when he told me there was a big storm coming up, so, like a darn fool, I let him tie me to the mast." * * * Active: "Do you like codfish balls?" Rushee: "I don't know. I've never been to one." Mistress: "You know, I sus- pect my husband is flirting with his stenographer." Maid: "I don't believe it! You are just saying it to make me jealous." Rusher: "Did you know that we maintain seven homes for the feeble-minded?" Rushee: "I thought that you had more chapters than that." QUALITY LAUNDRY The STEIN CLUB KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER SAVITAR Swami's Snorts Dean to Freshman: "What's your name?" Freshman: "I'm Gladys Zell." Dean: "I'm happy too, but what's your name?" Mr: Ah, my sweet what beau- ti-ful eyes you have. Miss: Thank you. They were a birthday present." Has gooseberries got legs? No. Then I just ate a field mouse. A freshman sorority pledge was out with her boy friend. He said, "You know, it's so dark you can't even see your hand before your face." The young thing laughed and laughed. She knew his hand wasn't before his face. The portly man was trying to get to his seat at the circus. "Par- don me," he said to a woman, "did I step on your foot?" "I imagine so," she said, after glancing at the ring, "all the ele- phants are still out there." "Me slept with daddy last night," said the small child to her kindergarten teacher. "Oh, no, Mary, that's wrong," said the teacher. "I slept with daddy last night." "Well, then," said Mary, "you must have come in after I went to sleep." Beginner at fishing: "Oh, I've got a bite. Now what do I do?" Fisherman: "Reel in the line." Beginner: "I've done that, the fish is tight against the end of the pole. Now what do I do?" Fisherman (disgusted): Climb up on the rod and stab it." You know: Why did you take up piano?" Who: "My glass of beer kept sliding off the violin." She (gasping): "Oh, please use two hands." He: "Can't. Gotta drive with one." * * * "Who yuh shovin'?" 'Dunno. What's your name?" * * * "Honey, while we're sitting out here in the moonlight, I want to ask you a question." "Yes, my darling." "Could we move over a little? I'm sitting on a nail!" Her: "Love me always?" It: "Sure. Which way do you want me to try first?" "Sir, your son got home for vacation this morning." Lafter Thoughts Phi Delt Pledge: "One of the brothers wants to borrow your bottle opener." S.A.E.: "You go back and tell him I'll bring it right over." ** * "Are you a little boy or a little girl?" "Sure, what the hell else could I be?" The freshman's father paid his son a surprise visit. Arriving at 1 a.m., he banged on the frater- nity house door. A voice from the second floor yelled, "Whatdya want?" The father answered, "Does Joe Jones live here?" The voice answered, "Yeah, bring him in. As the saying goes, whether you're rich or poor, it's always nice to have money. Whether you're handsome or ugly, it's al- ways nice to have a face. Wheth- er you're a male or female, it's always nice. A late professor may be con- siderer a man of distinction. In fact, he is usually in a class by himself. 27 "Awright, awright-if ya want me to grow up repress- ed--awright!" Black Wreathes for Christmas Uncle Bob has his annual meeting with Billy- and the usual results by Don Dunn 2HAT dopey sister of mine brought the kid over again last night! It wasn't bad enough last year when the brat gave me the d.t.'s and .a slight nervous break- down that netted the Mayo Broth- ers a Christmas present of twelve hundred bucks! Boy, you'd think she'd learned her lesson-but no! Eight o'clock and the doorbell rings-and I'm off on another merry Christmas adventure. At the sound of the bell, I came out weaving, dropping a dry martini as the brr-r-r-r ring g-g-g bounces through my head. I stand there, watching the carpet soak pp the dryness before I managed to wobble over and twist |he doorknob. "Merry Christmas!" yells my darling sister! "Go to hell," I answer coldly. She stares at me in not-so-shock- ed surprise, being used to this sort of exhibition. "I'm celebrat- in' this Christmas all by myself," I manage to mumble, "an' I'm perfec'ly happy about it." She reaches out with her dain- ty little hand and slaps me across the eyes. "Bob," she says with a sledge-hammer in her voice, "you are going to tell Billy a few Christmas stories. He's come to spend the evening with you." I look down and, sure enough the brat is there, his jelly-coated, sticky mitt 'wiping ugly foot- prints over her new white glove. "Lo, Uncle Bob," the thing said. With all the technique I learn- ed from watching Jane Wyman in "Johnny Belinda," I look at sis with pleading in my eyes. She's very understanding. "Cut 28 it out," she says. "And keep Billy out of trouble." She holds out the kid's greasy hand, shoves him inside, and slams the door. I listen to her footsteps going down the hall, hoping she'll come back. She doesn't. "Uncle Bob," says the kid. "Uncle Bob!" For some reason, his voice sounds like a stick being dragged over a picket fence, rat-a-tat-tat- a-tat-tat! I cringe, twist my face into a prune, and totter to the bar. The brat follows me, but I manage to down a long one be- fore his paws slap at my rear. "Uncle Bob," he screeches, "let's play games!" "Billy," is my retort, "go to h-" then I realize I shouldn't use such words before the kid. He just might repeat them to sis and she'd give me the devil! So, "Billy," I say "why don't you go read my new Esquire?" "Don' wanna read, Uncle Bob! Wanna play! Wanna play! Wan- na play! Wanna play! Play. Play! Play! Play-y-y-y-y!!!" I take it that long, then clamp a hand over his peppermint-coat- ed lips. He bites, but by this time I'm insensible to physical pain. The brat laughs as the blood flows down my fingers, though. "All right," I say. "What do you want to play?" (Maybe in a game of hide-and-seek, I can convince him to hide out on the window ledge-we're forty-two stories up.) He thinks a minute, his ob- cene little brows twisting into quarter moons, then grins at me. "I know," he chortles, "let's make a Sandy Claws trap!" A thirty-second pause ensues while I figure out what the dick- ens he said, then I say, Huh?" He looks at me, disgust regis- tering in his little green eyes. "You know," he explains patient- ly, "a Sandy Claws trap. In the fireplace. And when he comes down the chimbley, boom! we got him and he'll give us pres- ents and presents and presents and presents and-understand, Uncle Bob?" I concentrate and understand. Then I figure: ten minutes to build a "Sandy Claws trap," twenty minutes drinking while kid waits for the trap to catch something-and then maybe he will fall asleep and I can kill an- other couple of bottles. Not too bad a deal if it goes right. It didn't-but that comes later. "Okay, you little ba-ttler," I mutter. "Let's build a Sandy Claws trap." He screams with glee and kicks my shins in his excitement. "Come on, Uncle Bob," he yells dashing frantically around the room and gathering up anything not tied down. I toss off a brandy and gallop after him. I catch him arm just as he's dragging the baby grand into the fireplace. "Wait a minute!" I yell. "Let's do this systematically! You tell me what you want and I'll handle it." "Okay," snaps the brat. "Push the piano up close and tie a rope around the leg and fix a broom so it'll fall on some pots and pans and make lots of noise when Sandy Claws falls down and-" It's nearly an hour later when I get things fixed up the way the brat directs me. He sits close up to the apparatus, watching it like a lush watches the guy next to him toying with a martini. 1 take a martini myself and try to figure out what we've built. It seems we've got a rope rig- ged up inside the chimney so if any one-namely Sandy Claws- (Continued on page 32 ) H.R. Mueller Florist Shaw & Sons Music Company Boy of the Month... Frank Sallee PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Senior in Agriculture. .Vice-President of Student Government Associ- ation . President of Mystical Seven. Chairman of S.G.A. Depart- ment of Administration . Treasurer of Collegiate Future Farmers of America . . .Who's Who among students in American unviersities and colleges.Ruf Nex.Ag Club. Block and Bridle.: : College Farmer circulation manager. Kroger Scholarship . . ex-vice-presi- dent of Sophomore Council. . Farm House. 20 . El Dorado Springs, Missouri. Girl of the Month... Dorothy Jo Kinnaird PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Senior in Arts and Science. Winner of Sarah Gentry Elston Scholar- ship . Mortar Board . A.W.S. Council. :: Senior Sponsor for Freshmen Women . Psi Chi, psychology honorary. ex-Secretary and Treasurer of I.W.O. Sigma Epsilon Sigma, sophomore women's. honorary . A.W.S. Freshman Woman's Award. 21 . :: Ruby, Missouri 31 ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE ESSER slides down, he'll trip it and get caught under the leaf of the pi- ano, sounding an alarm of crashing pans. Looks practical enough-at least to my befuddl- ed brain. "Will we catch him, Uncle Bob?" whispers the brat. "I don't think so, Billy," I say, gloating. "Why-y-y?" he whines. "Because," I say, about to re- veal the dread secret, "there ain't no Sandy-" "Bob" sis yells as the door flies open. "Cut that out!" "Aw," I mumble, "I wasn't really going to tell him." She ig- nores me and starts bundling the kid up in his play-suit. He's about ready for the sleepy-dust. "Is 'urs ready for beddy-bie?" she coos into his floppy ears. "Does 'urs want to go to his 'ittle trundle bed? Did Unca' Bobsie tell 'ums nice Christmasy stories?" By now the kid is dressed and she's at the door with him. She turns to me. "Goodnight Bob," in a voice like the winter frost. They start out. "Hey," I yell, "what about this junk in the fireplace? You got to help me clean it out!" She slams the door behind them. The junk in the fireplace is not going to be cleaned out tonight I decide as I mix a drink. And another. And another. I sit down in a chair--carefully. "Nice little trap," I think as I fall asleep. "That damn kid gets good ideas -too bad there just ain't no San-n-dy." Okay, so now it's the next morning. And I'm completely so- ber, I swear. But I'm damned if (Continued on page 35 ) Said the Christmas Tree to the electric light With words exact to wit, "Tonight is New Year's Eve, mb friend, Let's both of us get lit." * * * Conceit is when girls can't resist you, but for some odd reason, do. * * * The breathless ardor of her love Was surpassed only by mine; We kissed and chills Raced up and down my spine. I thought the hunger of her lips Could be the only cause, But it was just the dropped trap- door Of my long woolen drawers. The Goldbrick By Joe J. Gold "Here's where is made the great- est beer," He said, as we toured the brewery; "You'll have to show me," I re- plied, "Because I'm from Missewery" Here's a real groaner. Did you hear about the guy who socked the contented crystal gazer? He wanted to strike a happy medi- um. * * * ODE TO A SUSIE Do you think I wouldn't love you Without your Cadillac? Do you think I wouldn't love you If your father took it back? Do you think without your money That I wouldn't call you honey? Do you think that these things matter? Do you think I'd be a ratter? Damn Right! Fredendall's The DEN HERB'S Student Clinic Miller's DON SMALL G-E STORE On New Year's Eve the car got stuck; A he and she were in it; They had a case of good old Scotch, And weren't afraid to sin it. Quite happily they drank the Scotch; Their spirits soared so high, They didn't return to the ctvilized world Until the Fourth of July She was only a hunter's daughter, but she was always game. * * * There was an old Sultan of Ives Whose health was taking nose- dives; Said the doctor from town, "You're badly run down. You'll have to cut down on your wives." I hung my stocking on Christ- mas Eve, The night that Santa came; He filled the thing with oranges, When I wanted a Stephens dame. This one is not original among others. "She was the kind of girl you could take home to mother. if you could trust your father." * * * Ding, dong bell, Pussy's in the well; Why did she jump in? The darn thing's full of gin! The fat old body of Santa Claus Stuck in the flu for an awful pause; He caled quite in vain, For nobody came; All he heard. was a chorus of snores. THE END I can remember a thing that hap- pened during the night. Sometime, those pans must have gone off. Very faintly, I re- call hearing a crashing of metal -and maybe a scream, but I can't be sure. All I know is that this morning I woke up and found the trap sprung. The pans were scattered over the floor and the piano leaf had fallen down. Somehow the whole device had slid right into the fireplace and the flames-which were dying when I went to sleep -had burned the hell out of my Steinway. The whole front half was just seared away. A good baby grand costs a couple of thousand. But that isn't what's worrying me. The 9:00 a.m. news broad- cast this mornng told about a "flyng saucer" folks saw last nigth that looked just like "eight reindeer pullin' a empty sleigh toward the North Pole-and the reindeer looked awful sad." And-that damn kid!-and in my fireplace, in the wreckage of the burned piano and the scorch- ed pans, I found a big, singed, black boot and a few long, smold- ering white hairs that may be whiskers. Oh, I don't know what to do! That damn, damn, damn kid! And his damn, damn, damn Sandy Claws trap! THE END Sorority girl: "I want a lip- stick" Cosmectics clerk: "What size, please?" Sorority girl: "Oh, three rides and a house party." CAMPUS JEWELERS Sudden Service Cleaners Contributors' Page Beech-Nut Gum fred seidner PHOTO BY JULIE'S Someday we're going to bor- row an adding machine, visit one of the meetings of the pub- licity staff and count how many members it has. We're of the honest opinion that it consists of more people than constituted the entire Showme staff several years ago. We have no complaint. In fact, in this day when publicity is something really difficult to get, we're overwhelmed by our staff. We would like 'to say lots of things about them, but there is so much that we wouldn't have room to say who they are. Any- way, when a parade goes down the street and the tail sign says "Showme on Sale Wednesday"- these are the people responsible. Co-publicity manager Marshall Siegel is 20, a junior in J-school from Chicago, a member of Phi Sigma Delta, Alpha Delta Sig- ma and the Student Alumni Re- latior- Committee. Marshall's big ambition is to start a family on a deserted island-where there is no draft law. Co-publicity manager Fred Seidner is 19, a pre-J sophomore also from Chicago, a member of Sigma Alpha Mu, Sophomore Council, Stephens radio, SGA dance committee and is publicity director for the Community Chest. He is also publicity man- ager for most of the others. Fred loves to talk and does so every Tuesday night for Campus Col- umns; during football season he announces for the University Band. Both of the managers started on Showme in September of 1949. They trained under super- publicity man Pete Mayer and took over when Pete graduated. The biggest gripe of both of them is that the tight-fisted ed- itor won't let them spend enough money. At the present time their staff consists of 16 people-as follows: Judy Klawans from Chicago, Doris Gordon, from Minot, North Dakota, aBrbar Lee, from Clayton, Mo., Peggy Marak from Maplewood, Mo., Joy Laws from Kansas City, Mo., Phil Cohen, from Kansas City, Mo., Lew Block from University City Mo., Bernie Bloom, University City, Mo., Herb "Zeke" Eiss- man from Joplin, Mo., Marilyn Osgood, from Chicago, Ill., Nik- ki Zemliak, from Clayton, Mo., Lloyd Hellman, from Kansas City, Mo., Henry Marder from Kansas City, Mo., Jay Goldman from (?), Aileen Rosenfeld from Houston, Texas. marshall siegel PHOTO BY JULIE'S Harzfeld's Camel Cigarettes