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Showme Hanukkah, 1963; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1963

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Showme Hanukkah '63 35 cents Miller High Life "I give up, Abdul, - why DO camels wear sandals?" by Ron Powers PERRY CHEVROLET Plaza Barber Shop Breisch's Gaslight Bass UNCLE CLEM'S CORNER The Cover A short in the bulb - that's what caused the fire. An electri- cal engineer told cover artist Co- lie Wheeler that this was impos- sible. But Colie (being stubborn and determined) retaliated that nothing was impossible as far as ART was concerned. Anyway, what could be more appropriate than a fire caused by a Christmas tree bulb for Show- me's Friday the 13th All-Faiths holiday issue. Our new University Seal, as unveiled on the last cover of Showme, is still in circulation. It has now been printed in packs of 1000 stickers for Christmas cards and packages. You may purchase these stickers providing you use them to stick cards saying "At least 35c" to burning Showmes. This Showme, wrapped in slightly charred holly and berry paper is one of the cheapest Christmas presents you'll ever have the chance to buy. Well - at least it's good for laughs. SHOWME is the official grin sheet of the University of Missouri, published four times yearly. Our magazine is printed, stapled together, and delivered (not across State lines) by the jolly group at Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City. The beer ad on the inside cover is courtesy of College Magazines, Inc., New York. (So are the other national ads.) We maintain executive offices at 311 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. We maintain executives at will. We maintain a fallout shel- ter-wine cellar under the Agora House. We maintain that Uni- versity student workers are underpaid. If you would like to advertise in our magazine (and we do encourage this idea) we shall be happy to send ad rates on re- quest. Then we'll send a friendly salesman. Then we'll send a bill. We do urge all you literary people in our reading audience to send stories and what-not to our Read Hall offices. Any- thing dangerous, subversive, or too funny should be addressed to Melvin Squint, our fine print editor. SHOWME is distributed on campus by the nouveax-riches in Francis House and Hardin House. Our Staff Editor ----------------- -- -------- -Larry Roth Business Manager --------------___ Steve Dansker Advertising Manager _____________________ Marty Eldred Copy Editor ------------------------------_ Tell Neff Art Director -._----___-- ----____Murry Unell Publicity ----_____________ Buzz Hyer, Charlie Hoffman Girl Friday --------------------------------Bev Yuchs Pinup Connoisseurs -------___ - Bill Beasely, Gary Zumwalt Exchange Editor ________________________ Marvel Brown Social Chairman -- --------------------- Vicki Vaught Writers -----_--_____________ Kay Sonns, Max Okenfuss, Spence DeHart, Jim McLeish, Ken Hayden, E. J., Paul Hirth, Mike Rhode, Judie Ayres, Larry Denning, Frank Weltner, Carl Schlanger Prodigal Editor __________________________ Ron Powers Artists ----------------------Colie Wheeler, Dave Buck, Sheryl Ann McCubbins, Kirk Powell, Tom McHarg, Maryanne Peret Business Staff ----_____ _ Sanford Lugger, Penny Johnson, Gretchen Told, Sherry Faulkner, Terry Norburt Publicity Staff _____________ Diane Simpson, Ann Robinson, Preston Strong, Bob Rosvall, Michele Rhinehart, Ron Ruback, Den Roedemeier, Bill Rozaitis, Don Maude Office Staff ___________________________ Maureen Gale, Charla Hurt, Sara Johnson Housemother --------------------------_ Linda Boeser Take Lecture Notes Here! 5 Pizza de Resistance The Agora House Petition Immediately for Showme 1964 Editor Business Manager See Mrs. Flynn Student Publications Adviser The LAW By Max Okenfuss and Spence DeHart This is The Law. It was passed by the Missouri Students Association Senate October 21, 1963, to control student rioting. Most students who live under The Law have not read it and are unfamiliar with the regulations that govern their lives. As a public service, SHOWME reprints THE LAW. It's a Riot! A Disorderly Gathering 1. Photo courtesy the Pontiac (Mich.) Press and Savitar A Disorderly Gathering 2. 8 THE LAW Any student who is involved in any manner with A DISORDERLY GATHERING of students may be subject to SUSPENSION OR EXPULSION from the campus of the University of Missouri. A DISORDERLY GATHERING shall be ANY GROUP, of any number, at any location, for any purpose, which breaches or THREATENS THE PUBLIC PEACE. Any student who plans, acts with, or in any manner Suspension or Expulsion Any Group Threatens the Public Peace 9 Encourages a Disorderly Gathering Refuses Promptly to Leave A Police Officer 10 Any Responsible University Official THE LAW ENCOURAGES A DISORDERLY GATHERING; and any student who fails or REFUSES PROMPTLY TO LEAVE the vicinity of such gathering, when requested to do so by A POLICE OFFICER or ANY RESPONSIBLE UNIVERSITY OFFICIAL, shall be subject to penalty as a participant in a disorderly gathering. Any student suspected of violation of this regulation shall be summoned to appear before a duly constituted STUDENT JUDICIAL BODY of the University. Such body shall EXAMINE ALL AVAILABLE EVIDENCE for or against the student. If, in the considered judgment of such Body, the student is determined to have been involved, RECOMMENDATION FOR DISCIPLINARY ACTION Student Judicial Body Examine All Available Evidence Recommendation for Disciplinary Action 11 THE LAW shall be made to the DEAN OF STUDENTS. In order to enforce this proposal, IFC and MRHA will select THREE RESPONSIBLE MEMBERS of each living group with the responsibility directed toward DISCOURAGING PARTICIPATION in a "disorderly gathering". These individuals will be INSTRUCTED BY UNIVERSITY AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS about their obligations. They will be expected TO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY PROPER AUTHORITIES in face of described student misconduct. Dean of Students Three Responsible Members Discouraging Participation Instructed by University and Law Enforcement Officials To Contact Immediately Proper Authorities The Maneater Friday, December 13 "Cheer up, Charlie! I just heard a couple of nurses talking and they said it's probably just psychoso- matic." Something Herd on Campus By Carl F. Schlanger A few days ago, the Showme Roving Reporter happened upon an elephant named Charman wedged between the fourth and fifth columns, facing Jesse Hall. It was learned from the gath- ered crowd that its owner, daugh- ter of Conway Twitty and Kitty Kallen - Kitty Twitty - had been in the habit of allowing Charman to graze near the col- umns while she was in class since the beginning of the semester. Miss Twitty, a freshman, actually had been in the same class day and night since the beginning of the semester and was unable to say how her elephant became wedged. The Showme Reporter posed questions such as, "What do you think should be done to free the animal?" and "Would you like to comment on this public ele- phant sandwich?" President Ellis . . . "Very un- sightly. Very. I realize and appre- ciate the significance of being the Only president of a major univer- sity with an elephant, that is, a four footed mammal having its snout prolonged into a muscular proboscis and two incissors in the upper mandible developed into long tusks - in my backyard, but we cannot overlook the politi- cal significance of such an ani- mal. "Just yesterday I received a rather sharp letter from the gov- ernor indicating he didn't at all appreciate my little 'elephant joke'." Ag Student . "Well, seein' as that big thing is a vegetarian, an' considerin' that he ain't goin' any- wheres anyways, an' with the price of fertilizer what it is, I don't see why you don't just leave him be." Dean Matthews . . "Another problem, gee whiz and holy cow and rats and fiddlesticks and I hope you edit my comments be- cause I am so very upset. This is absolutely the last elephant we will allow on campus, absotive- ly . . . " Housing Office . . ."Charman has been trouble ever since we first tried to get housing set up- it had to be unapproved - so we found a two-elephant garage and that was fine until he became frightened by a bar of Ivory soap and pushed out one of the walls. "So we moved him into a single elephant garage with, of all things, ivory inlaid walls - we thought it was a cheap imitation - but you can't fool an elephant about that kind of thing. "If there's anything an elephant knows besides never forgetting, it's ivory - and he became ob- sessed with the thought that his mother was near. Have you ever seen a full-grown elephant in the fetal position? No, I guess you haven't. "We set up rules - no female visitors - because the neighbors might get the wrong idea. And since he is being used as a ve- hicle, he needed a parking stick- er and his owner put one on the lower right corner of his right (Cont'd on Page 41) Ron Powers SHOWME's Prodigal Editor, Revisits the Mizzou Campus Ron Powers, SHOWME's co-editor last year, is now a "real, live journalist", as he puts it. Writing prep sports for the St. Louis Post- Dispatch and cartooning for Concordia Publishing House, he occasionally gets a spell for nostalgia (or homesickness, as some put it) and pays his ol' buds here at Mizzou a visit. He also was good enough to whip out the old pen and create a couple of funnies for this issue of SHOWME. Unprintable captions for the camel cartoon appearing throughout the magazine can be had by sending a stamped, self-addressed enve- lope to Ron, c/o the Post Dispatch sports depart- ment. "Gertrude Stein Is Gertrude Stein Is Gertrude Stein . . "Thank goodness Grindon, for these goal-line stands!" (With a Southern Accent) by Ken Hayden Author of Son of Death of a Salesman The Scene: the exterior of that palatial tribute to modern arqui- tectural know-how known to the urban renewal set as "T-D (as in 'Tough Dates') 3". Since this is a work of fiction, any connec- tion with any person, living or in the Student Health Clinic, is pure- ly plagiaristic. Enter Our Hero, Maury Ma- dras, a dapper soul, resplendent in his button-down mind and plaid but wet and bleeding nose. MADRAS: To cross the Rotzy field or not to cross the Rotzy field, that is the question. Wheth- er 'tis nobler in the gunshed to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous battery commanders or to take arms against a sea of freshmen, and by opposing, flunk them. But hark, what from yon- der miserable, broken down ex- cuse for a dormitory breaks? A lass, alas. (A young lass of considerable proportion makes with the leaps and bounds bit until she reaches MADRAS. She throws herself upon him.) YOUNG LASS OF CONSIDER- ABLE PROPORTIONS WHO HAS JUST MADE WITH THE LEAPS AND BOUNDS BIT, THROWN HERSELF UPON MA- DRAS, ETC.: (With slight Sou- thern accent, as perhaps from Vir- ginia) Pahdon me-all, suh, but would you-all mahnd di-recting me to the Stoodent Confed'racy. MADRAS: The word is "Union", 18 miss. It's the Student Union. Y. L. O. C. P. W. H. J. M T L. A. B. B. T. H. U. M. E.: (with slightly deeper Southern accent, as perhaps from South Carolina) Please, suh. We Suthuhnehs frawn upun the use uv such sub- versive language, so ahd thank you to watch yoah tongue in mah presence. Ah meen reely, suh! MADRAS: I'm terribly sorry, miss. But I didn't realize you were a Southern belle. How com- pletely stupid of me. It's really perfectly obvious, what with the "Visit Friendly Birmingham" placard on your bike there, an' all. You want to get to the, if you'll pardon the expression, Union, eh? I'd suggest you make a bee- line across Rollins Field, being careful not to get yourself buried in the swimming pool there- abouts, proceed thence to Brew- er Field House, where, so the leg- end goes, a Freshman was once excused from taking Physical Fit- ness-Rest his soul-and then . . "Tell, star." Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep- er Southern accent, as perhaps from Mississippi) Pahdon me, suh. I don't know exactly how ta go 'bout askin' you-all this, being as how you-all aren't in the habit uv indulgin' in mint juleps foah breakfast like we civilized folks, but would you-all be so good as to escoaht me to this heah place? MADRAS: Golly, mam, I'd cer- tainly like to, but I'm afraid I have to get to my Rotzy class. We're gonna be shown a Big Picture film demonstrating the proper techniques of disassem- bling and cleaning an M-1 rifle while under the constant fire of a band of D.A.R. members re-en- acting the battle of Thermopolae. We're all dying to know how it comes out. Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep- er Southern accent, as perhaps from South St. Louis) Ah can naturally undahstand yoah fevah- rish antisipashun of uh cinema of such grandueah, suh, but shuahly you-all don't intend to pass up this goldun oppoahtunity to draw ouah two great culchuhs, Noath and Sou-ath, into evah-closah unity. Why, boy, the two of us cou-ald go down in history as an- othah Mason an' Dixon, Damon an' Pythias, Simon an' Shustah. Ask not whut the Blue-Gray game can do foah you-all, but whut you-all can do foah the Blue-Gray game! MADRAS: Golly, gee, baby, it's a hard choice to make, between being the potential savior of our nation and watching Mamie Eis- enhower at the Battle of Ther- mopolae. Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep- er accent, as perhaps from Cuba) Nevah you mahnd, boy. Theah is anothah who ah am shuah will be willin' to accept the challenge. An' theah he is now. (She points, and Emily Post turns over.) See, ovah theah, thet tall, skinny guy in the black, with the stovepipe hat and the wart. Hey, Abe! MADRAS: Ah, come on now, you don't mean to stand there and tell me you've got Abe Lincoln to walk you to the Student Un- ion, do you? Y.L.O.C.P.: No, silly, Abe Bot- lieb. He dresses kinda funny, but he shoah is a fine fella-friendly, too. Why, once he told me he was gonna make a trip awl the way to Gettysburg jus' to deliver a dress. He acts kinda funny when we go to the show, though. He keeps lookin' ovah his shoulder. MADRAS: Okay, I'll go with you over to the Union. It's the least I can do for The Cause. Y.L.O.C.P.: (She takes his arm) Oh, joy! On behalf uv two uv mah ancestors, both late uv the gallant Confed'rate Ahmy - Col- onel Moahton an' Captain Kanga- roo -ah do humbly thank ya. MADRAS: Better yet, let me show you the Southern part of the campus. Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep- er Southern accept, as perhaps from Stephens College) Y'all mean Saouth Groop? MADRAS: Nope, a little deeper South. Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep- er Southern accent, as perhaps from Rio de Janeiro) Y'all mean the Aggie Barns? MADRAS: Nope, (heh, heh) a little deeper south. Y.L.O.C.P.: (With much deeper Southern accent, as perhaps from the South Pole in the chilly sea- son) Sorry, Yankee! FABULOUS Football Doll PLA-BOY DRIVE-IN BRAG OF CHICKEN The Bookhouse Odyssey of the Noseless Whip by Tell Neff and Larry Roth Erdrake Erblatt was a stone. No, not a literal, for real rock, but merely a stone - he was just there. He was a good student, all right. Straight C's and all like that, but he never did anything else. He had had a blind date once. She came in wearing a black patch over her left eye and a big, wide belt with a silver buckle (she made it herself) and Er- drake couldn't take it and ran to the mall and threw himself into the first available fountain. That killed dating for Erdrake Erblatt. In fact, that almost killed Er- drake Erblatt. He tried to get into campus politics as a party whip. He's whippy, all right, said the Big Movers, but he lacks something essential to the political image. (They were probably referring to a nose. Erdrake didn't have one.) Poor Erdrake! He paced the Strollway from morning till night, trying to be something, but all he ever was to anybody else was "that nut who paces the Strollway from morning till night, trying to be something." One day Erdrake was overpac- ing the underpass when he tripped over a flip-top- box - SPLAT!- into a perfect three-point land- ing (his two hands and where his nose should have been). He picked himself up. He ab- sent-mindedly slipped the empty box into his pocket, right next to the little ball of moth dust he was saving for analysis in his aes- thetics class. * * * That evening Erdrake was studying. His roommate left, and he was alone. "Ah, I'm alone," he said. And he was. Suddenly he was swept up in a frenzy of procrastination. His attention was drawn from his book to deep contemplation of the flip-top box, which lay on the floor near the wastebasket, which he had missed with a behind-the- back shot, which he regretted. It was open, and the flip-top seemed to be saying, "Stick with me, Er- drake, and I'll make you famous . Stick with me, Erd -" Erdrake's roomy burst through the door. He was rather concern- ed when Erdie explained that he had been listening to the voice of an empty cigarette pack, but re- lieved to hear that he hadn't tried to answer. "What does it all mean?" asked our paragon of mediocrity. And good ol' Roomy, like a prophet of old, revealed to Erdrake the wonderful world - the hope and the heartbreak, the industry and the pathos, the final shining hour of triumph to the victor - of cigarette-pack-saving contests. "I get it!" our hero cried at last. "You save up thousands and thousands of cigarette packs, and then see how many you can cram into a Volkwagen or a clothes dryer . "No, no, no," Roomy shook his head. He began at the beginning again. Finally it sunk in. By dawn Erdrake was convinced that, with the head start he almost had thrown away, he was invincible. Erdrake cut classes for three weeks in what was probably the biggest empty cigarette pack hunt on record. He rummaged in trash baskets and ash cans, even in an urban renewal district, where empty cigarette packs usually are destroyed as filthy menaces to the public health. He had his entire physical fit- ness class save all their empty packs for him. When he saw a pack being discarded, he would snatch it before it hit the ground. He worked a shady deal with the (Continued on Page 36) "Boy! I thought we were gon- na have a riot when the ol' star hesitated over that girls' dorm!" "Faster, men - we have to get there before ZBT." 22 Showme's Sweatheart Photos by Bill Beasley Pam Weiser "These pictures are for WHAT??!" 26 Showme Reviews The Great Books THE GUERNSEY REPORT The Guernsey Report is considered by some the frankest expose of the sexual deviations and practices among the dairy class. Shock- ing episodes reveal what happened the day the milking machines short circuited. Read the true story of secret orbital flight - the real reason that the cow jumped over the moon. Dr. Bossie X, name concealed to protect his butter-fat record, tells all about the secret Mu Mu society and its weekly meetings behind stantion #5. This work is suggested adult only reading. Price: 1 gallon GONE WITH THE GAME This tragic, sometimes humorous novel deals with the migratory instincts of that little known but well represented species - the alumni. The annual "homecoming" urge is sketched through the eyes of a fading campus beauty, a frustrated Phi Beta Kappa and a paun- chy one time gridiron hero. Most inspiring is the account of Heubert R. Lock's success. When no on would tell him what was behind the "green door", Heubert left school and established the first key club. Included in the appendix is a list of the 100 richest alums and their favorite sob stories. (Watch for the sequel to Gone With the Game - How to Con an Alum out of Money Without Really Trying. Price: None (donated) FROM HERE TO HALL E This is the chilling account of a young coed's walk from the Student Health Center to her dorm. Read of her epic battle in Jesse's swinging doors. Read of her narrow escape at the Engineer's Shamrock. Read the parts that have been left out of this synopsis. Price: 95c in cheap drugstores everywhere (Cont'd Next Page) Norelco MIZZOU BARBER SHOP Showme Reviews LESLIE, COME HOME Dear Leslie, We are so proud that our little girl has already been called to the Judiciary Board four times. They must be thinking of making you a member! Dear Leslie, How sweet of your English instructor to say that he never has read anything like your essays before. That must be why he sent us that pretty pink paper! Dear Leslie, Darling, you haven't written to us all month. Hasn't your allowance run out yet? These are but a few excerpts from Leslie, Come Home, a touch- ing and tender collection of a mother's letters to her offspring at Old Mizzou. Price: One week's allowance THE UGLY COLUMBIAN A comprehensive study of prejudice, this book shows the re- action of a small town population to the influx of "foreign" students (from Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, California, etc.). Especially wor- thy of attention is chapter eight, which recounts the moving story of an idealistc merchant who cashes checks from any state and for amounts over $50. Highlights of his tale include blackballing by the Columbia Chamber of Commerce and an investigation by the Fixed Business Bureau. Also included are charts and graphs showing a direct correlation between the arrival of students and an increase in prices. Price: $8.75 (in Columbia) ADVISE AND DISSENT Advise and Dissent is the pathetic tale of a student's encounter with his advisor on the subject of a change in majors. Dramatic dia- logue reveals interdepartmental rivalry . . . "But Mr. Budby, I don't want to devote the rest of my life to basic research in geranium genes! I want to branch out." "Listen 707134.5," (I knew he was mad - he called me by my full number.) "I know you've been visiting the ivy department. They always try to lure away my best geranium men with promises about that 'filthy green.' "Fie on the ivy league! You'll be happier staying in geraniums. Let me tell you about the dirty work they pull in Transplanting I over there . . . " Be sure to put this on your reading list before making out next semester's program. Price: $1 (after petitioning opens) 28 The Life of a P. A. The life of a P.A. is nothing like it was in the good old days. I remember when we never had to smile! Nobody liked us - but we didn't really care. Now they're trying a new ap- proach, changing our image. "You can get further with friendship than by a sheer show of power." The power . . . demerits right and left. No one dared to pass us except on tip-toe. Oh, well. I guess somebody has to set an example for Khrushchev By Sonns and Yuchs The First Nhuell by Ken Hayden An eon or three or four or somewhere thereabouts ago, there could be found roaming about the campus of Saigon University (Columbia, Missouri branch) an intrepid co-ed who answered to the name of "Battle of Brandy- wine" Nhu because her father fought at Gettysbury and since there already was a "Gettysburg" Nhu (whose father fought at San Juan Hill) at Saigon University, she was called "Battle of Brandy- wine" to avoid confusion. Some folks merely called her "Brand" for short. That name left a lasting impression. Now, Miss "Brand" Nhu, be- ing a foreign exchange student from a Southeast Asian kingdom of questionable culinary prac- tices, called Weate Mom, and hav- ing not seen her homeland since she was abducted by Genghis Kahn (who was doing the life story of John Wayne at the time) and his mongrel horde eighty- nine years before, was somewhat homesick. She had attempted to recreate the enchanting aura of her far- off homeland by sundry ingeni- ous and entirely non-Communist methods. She had 1) painstakingly culti- vated rice paddies over the anti- pigeon stakes atop the Student Union . (but, unfortunately, left her water buffalo hopelessly en- snared in a turnstile at the Ben- gal Lair); 2) played her country's national anthem, "Key for Coup", during halftime at all of Saigon U. (Columbia, Missouri branch)'s football games; 3) passed a book of matches to anyone whom she caught in the process of leg- crossing and/or arm folding; and 4) absconded with all the Hawai- ian Punch (which she called "for- eign ade") in the commissary of Pershing Cafeteria. * * * But, alas, the course of true home-away-from-home - making never did run smooth. All that came of her concerted efforts was eight semesters on social pro, a Hawaiian Punch hangover, and five-thousand pounds of lop-sided rice that twitched instinctively whenever a clock bonged. But daunted she was definitely not. To the contrary - her de- termination to convert the popu- lace to Weate Momism was con- siderably intensified. She cogitated about the prob- lems considerably, and finally, See Lehrer, Tom, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," or SHOWME. Autumn, '63, page 20, and you'll understand. "We're all going to feel pret- ty silly explaining this trip to Nasser." 30 while cogitating considerably one evening in the seclusion of her humble penthouse suite on the roof of her friend Henry Cabot's lodge, she found the answer she sought. * * * She decided to invent Christ- mas. Well aware she was of the fact that this would not immeas- urably help convert the populace of Saigon U. (Columbia, Mis- souri branch) to Weate Momism, but it would immeasurably help explain the title of this article, which was good for a starter. Since no one at Saigon U. ( . . . .) had heretofore attempted the invention of Christmas, she was at a loss for a precedent; as you know, we're all miserable without Christmas precedents, and she was no less so. Therefore, to assuage her grief and lengthen the article, she set out to estab- lish one. Her first inspiration came when she saw a little fat man with a red suit and long white whiskers and a red cap on his head and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly and with a sack slung over his shoulder come shuffling out of the Student Com- mons one day, climb in a sleigh powered by eight tiny reindeer, and fly off. "Him we'll use," she thought inspiredly. "With a few minor changes, of course. Like, for in- stance, the red suit bit'll have to go. Communistic implication. Bad for the image. Black'd be better. Good, non-controversial color, black. "And the silly cap. That's out, too. Tall hat's what he needs. Same color, too - black. Oh, and the short, fat routine - that's no good at all. Needs to be tall, stately - someone the under- graduates at Saigon U. (Colum- bia, Missouri branch) can look up to. Too many short, fat men run- ning around these days. Beard oughta be darker, too, and not so much of it. Distin- guished, he's gotta look distin- guished - dark beard'll do it. Oughta be carrying a book or something, instead of that dirty old sack, too. We want an intel- lectual, not a bum. And the sleigh thing is out. Let him walk; it'll do him good. Wipe the smile off his face, and we've got it. That's the symbol Christ- mas needs!" Now that Madame Nhu had gotten over the initial hump, things began to get easier. Christ- mas, she decided, needed some- thing you could hang things on. "Like a tree. Yeah, that's it. People and things are always get- ting hung from trees. I'll invent the Christmas tree. An' I'll call it the White Oak. People and things'll like getting hung from it," she said. "You have to watch these des- ert vandals -one pot shot and we're down to three men." In high gear now, she decided with little difficulty that: a) Christmas should come on one specific day, so people could cir- cle it on their calendars months in advance, start putting up deco- rations for the next one almost as soon as it's over, and express heartfelt relief that it comes only once a year - July Fourth would do nicely; b) there should be a song or songs that people could sing to give themselves an excuse to use more nog than egg at par- ties that they could sing it/them at - like "Fight, Tigers, Fight for old Saig. U." and "Dixie"; c) approximately one week af- ter they celebrate Christmas, people should be required to hol- ler vociferous-like, "Happy Nhu Year", for obvious reasons. Thoroughly elated at her achievement, Madame Nhu im- mediately showed the blueprints of the inspired creation to any and all who would look at them. Unhappily, however, the general consensus seemed to be that the thing would never catch on; such obvious gimmicks, they said, nev- er do. So, her spirits dampened some- what but the fire of determina- tion still burning brightly in her Weate Momese heart, she sold the copyright of the whole thing to the Hallmark Company, (which is reported to be doing fairly well with it), and scurried off to invent Beethoven's Birth- day. Oh, Fred, Poo Fred, Mama's Hung You From the Columns And You're Missing Phys. Ed. 31 "I am a full fledged Columbia citizen." "I told you you shouldn't have driven that nail into the wall." SAVITAR FROLICS. STUDENT- FACULTY LOUNGE "I'm sorry Miss Adams, you just don't have the ears for it." 34 " . . . and now Ban Deodorant brings you tonight's movie, 'The Desert Fox'." "No where can we hide him till next year?" "Any of you fellas thought how we're gonna get back home if that star doesn't come through?" "Forty days each way is go- ing to drag a lot of negative hours." "It's going to look pretty bad, what with two out of three of us kings arriving on three- legged camels." 35 NOSELESS WHIP pike-wielders from Buildings and Grounds. He sifted the sand in the Union ashtrays. One of Erdrake's engineering friends, inspired by his ardor, taught a computer to smoke. The computer almost immediately hit an efficience peak of 97 packs per day, and did its engineering work twice as fast as before. But by the second week it had to be oiled with strong coffee, and it developed cancer of the tuning knob. Erdrake's roomy noticed a change taking place in him. He was regaining his self-confidence. He walked a little straighter. He held his chin a little higher. He grew a nose. He started passing ROTC inspections. (The nose was a great help here.) He now was smoking ten packs of cigarettes every day, and one pack after supper. One day his roomy asked him, "Erd, why'n't you cut down a lit- tle, fellow? I mean I can't get in the room any more, what with all the empty cigarette packs and all. I mean I don't mind sleeping on them or anything, but I can't get into my closet any more, and when I go to class dressed in cig- arette packs I have to do a fruit little dance and pretend I'm a commercial from Savitar Frolics, I mean. But Erdrake just exhaled a few bars of his theme song (Puff, the Magic Draggin') in Roomy's face, and explained that the contest would be over tomorrow. Well sir, needless to say, with fifty-three bundles of 100,000 empty cigarette packs each, one is either going to win a contest or one is going to have a bonfire that will make a couch burning look smaller than a pep rally. One won. Erdrake fell, exhausted, upon his bronze-plated "Outstanding Pack-Rat Plaque". Emotion deep within sent a tear dripping onto Erdrake's $10,000 scholarship to the Institute of Tobaccotechnic Science, (which is scheduled for completion in 1969). But the greatest rewards were reaped right here on campus. The Maneater carried his name in big type, and referred to him affectionately as "double E". Girls swooned. Roomy pumped his hand and quit asking him to take a shower. Even the dean sent a sweet note, observing "ex- tenuating circumstances", along with all his deficiencies. The honoraries fought for him. The local Cub Scouts asked him to be a Pack Leader. The drama department offered him a well- paying bit part in a series of Smoky the Bear anti-fire plugs. In fact, the only sore point of Erdrake's new exisitence was the sore point of his nose, which scraped the ground as he paced the Strollway. Medico Filter Pipes (Continued from Page 15) ear because Miss Twitty alleges him to be a convertible model. "But we told her that she'd best place the sticker on the beast's rear like everybody else." Animal Husband . . . "Let me tell you something about the male elephant. Did you know that ele- phants breed at only certain peri- ods of the year? And we should be thankful for that! Talk about an over-population problem!" Law Student . . . "Now, if we stand around here right in front of the elephant where he can hear and talk about forcing him from between the columns, considering that he may not want to be dis- enwedged, he might consider it an assault and so press charges. If we do take steps to remove him and removin' him requires a touching of some sort, he may consider such a tortious act. He's bound to consider any touching a trespass on his person. But then again, that elephant is not a per- son. Would you consider that ele- phant a person? Well, I wouldn't, at least in a legal sense. But I know some persons that . . I di- gress. And he's probably trespassing on university property. But I don't really know if an animal ferae naturae can trespass. I suggest an appeal. Confusion affirmed." Mental Hygiene Clinic Thera- pist . . . "It's difficult to say whether psychology, the inexact science that it is, could be of any help. But it would be interesting to wedge four more elephants be- tween the other columns and set up a group therapy situation and then test for deviation." As this reporter was about to leave the scene, an engineering student was seen pushing through the crowd, and we asked him to comment. This parley followed: "Comment on what?" "Don't you know What this crowd is doing here?" "Well, I did notice the crowd but I was on my way to ME 179 and . . . " "Didn't you notice the ele- phant?" "The what?" "The elephant." "Oh . . .no, I didn't notice it- you see, I was on my way to this here ME 179 class when my slide rule got hung up in my bicycle spokes on the Strollway and the torque and my inertia threw me over the handlebars, my trajec- tory terminating itself in a con- vertible full of worthless English majors who spitted on me and . " "Don't you wish to comment about the elephant?" "Is that really an elephant? We had a problem once about a ele- phant in my ME 179 class where he got stuck between two walls, but the instructor told us to skip it because it ain't a practical prob- lem and . . . " At the close of the third day of attempts to remove the ani- mal, the Republican National Committee offered to remove the animal free of charge and present Miss Twitty with a new Thunder- bird in exchange for the elephant. Charman was removed on the fourth day by use of large quanti- ties of hot air and an offer of a "Newer New Frontier". Recently, a Thunderbird was found wedged between the fourth and fifth columns, facing Jesse Hall. HAPPY YUL TIED "Hey, I just thought of some- thing. Either of you guys know Yiddish?" 37 Contributor's Page The biggest thing in triumverates since "Julius Caesar" or the Three Musketeers is Max Oken- full, Spence DeHart, and Jim Mc- Leish. Francis House is their home base, although each one lives on a different floor. (No, no, the University wouldn't dare let them live on the same floor!) Two thirds of this "tri-level tri- umverate smoke pipes 90 per cent of the time. At last count there were nearly 70 pipes between them. (Now you see why they couldn't live on the same floor!) More interesting statistics on the threesome: Two-thirds of them don't have beards; two- thirds of them have roomed to- gether at one time or another; two-thirds of them failed their first semesters of a foreign lan- guage. One third of the clan is from out of state. (Jim swears that there really is a Claude, Texas. One of his gems is "My father is from Scotland and my mother is from Texas. I don't have a drop of American blood in me.") Spence, in true triumverate 38 fashion, messes around with the MSA Senate. Once he dated a girl named Portia. Max, the grad of the group, has a B.A. in Russian civ and now is working on Russian his- tory. He's president of ODK and a Phi Bete (or is it Fly Bait?) Jim is a psychology major (Freudian). He finds all kinds of symbols in SHOWME, but won't tell us what they mean. Spence is in education, in ad- vanced Army ROTC, and incor- rigible. Politically they claim to be so- cial moderates, but actually they're mostly just social. Talk to them on campus some time. You can't miss them. Two-thirds are around six feet tall, and one- third is . . anyway, you'll see Spence, too. * * * Ever since Marty Eldred trans- ferred to M.U. from Stephens in her junior year, she has managed quite well. Managed advertising, mostly. After three years of selling ads, the first year for Stephens Life and the past two for Showme, Marty has come to know Colum- bia merchants quite well. Columbia merchants like Mar- ty, but not just because she sells ads. She buys. And Marty must have bought well, for this year she is one of the Ten Best Dressed Girls at Mizzou. With all this advertising experi- ence who would have thought that Marty is in elementary edu- cation! Yes, friends, 'tis true. Her class assignments may have a sales pitch flavor to them - "Don't miss the next chapter in 'Dick and Jane'." Marty has definite political views and worked for a congress- man in the summer of 1962. (Could these facts be related, maybe?) If you want to meet Marty this winter, you might find her rushing back and forth between the Chi Omega house and down- town Columbia. She might not have a coat on. She thinks Mis- souri winters are "warm". Well, what can you expect from some- one from Ludington, Michigan . . "Congratulations men! With this victory we've assured the rights of every American." University Book Store General Telephone & Electronics