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All blank pages have been eliminated.
Showme
Hanukkah '63
35 cents
Miller High Life
"I give up, Abdul, - why DO
camels wear sandals?"
by Ron Powers
PERRY CHEVROLET
Plaza Barber Shop
Breisch's
Gaslight
Bass
UNCLE CLEM'S CORNER
The Cover
A short in the bulb - that's
what caused the fire. An electri-
cal engineer told cover artist Co-
lie Wheeler that this was impos-
sible. But Colie (being stubborn
and determined) retaliated that
nothing was impossible as far as
ART was concerned.
Anyway, what could be more
appropriate than a fire caused by
a Christmas tree bulb for Show-
me's Friday the 13th All-Faiths
holiday issue.
Our new University Seal, as
unveiled on the last cover of
Showme, is still in circulation. It
has now been printed in packs of
1000 stickers for Christmas cards
and packages. You may purchase
these stickers providing you use
them to stick cards saying "At
least 35c" to burning Showmes.
This Showme, wrapped in
slightly charred holly and berry
paper is one of the cheapest
Christmas presents you'll ever
have the chance to buy. Well -
at least it's good for laughs.
SHOWME is the official grin sheet of the University of Missouri,
published four times yearly.
Our magazine is printed, stapled together, and delivered
(not across State lines) by the jolly group at Modern Litho-Print
Co., Jefferson City.
The beer ad on the inside cover is courtesy of College
Magazines, Inc., New York. (So are the other national ads.)
We maintain executive offices at 311 Read Hall, Columbia,
Mo. We maintain executives at will. We maintain a fallout shel-
ter-wine cellar under the Agora House. We maintain that Uni-
versity student workers are underpaid.
If you would like to advertise in our magazine (and we do
encourage this idea) we shall be happy to send ad rates on re-
quest. Then we'll send a friendly salesman. Then we'll send a
bill.
We do urge all you literary people in our reading audience
to send stories and what-not to our Read Hall offices. Any-
thing dangerous, subversive, or too funny should be addressed
to Melvin Squint, our fine print editor.
SHOWME is distributed on campus by the nouveax-riches
in Francis House and Hardin House.
Our Staff
Editor ----------------- -- -------- -Larry Roth
Business Manager --------------___ Steve Dansker
Advertising Manager _____________________ Marty Eldred
Copy Editor ------------------------------_ Tell Neff
Art Director -._----___-- ----____Murry Unell
Publicity ----_____________ Buzz Hyer, Charlie Hoffman
Girl Friday --------------------------------Bev Yuchs
Pinup Connoisseurs -------___ - Bill Beasely, Gary Zumwalt
Exchange Editor ________________________ Marvel Brown
Social Chairman -- --------------------- Vicki Vaught
Writers -----_--_____________ Kay Sonns, Max Okenfuss,
Spence DeHart, Jim McLeish, Ken Hayden,
E. J., Paul Hirth, Mike Rhode, Judie Ayres,
Larry Denning, Frank Weltner,
Carl Schlanger
Prodigal Editor __________________________ Ron Powers
Artists ----------------------Colie Wheeler, Dave Buck,
Sheryl Ann McCubbins, Kirk Powell,
Tom McHarg, Maryanne Peret
Business Staff ----_____ _ Sanford Lugger, Penny Johnson,
Gretchen Told, Sherry Faulkner, Terry Norburt
Publicity Staff _____________ Diane Simpson, Ann Robinson,
Preston Strong, Bob Rosvall, Michele Rhinehart,
Ron Ruback, Den Roedemeier, Bill Rozaitis,
Don Maude
Office Staff ___________________________ Maureen Gale,
Charla Hurt, Sara Johnson
Housemother --------------------------_ Linda Boeser
Take Lecture Notes Here!
5
Pizza de Resistance
The Agora House
Petition Immediately
for
Showme
1964
Editor
Business
Manager
See Mrs. Flynn
Student
Publications
Adviser
The LAW
By Max Okenfuss and Spence DeHart
This is The Law. It was passed by the Missouri Students
Association Senate October 21, 1963, to control student rioting.
Most students who live under The Law have not read it and
are unfamiliar with the regulations that govern their lives.
As a public service, SHOWME reprints THE LAW.
It's a Riot!
A Disorderly Gathering 1.
Photo courtesy the Pontiac (Mich.) Press and Savitar
A Disorderly Gathering 2.
8
THE LAW
Any student
who is involved
in any manner with
A DISORDERLY GATHERING
of students
may be subject to
SUSPENSION OR EXPULSION
from the campus of the
University of Missouri.
A DISORDERLY GATHERING
shall be ANY GROUP,
of any number,
at any location,
for any purpose,
which breaches or
THREATENS THE
PUBLIC PEACE.
Any student who plans,
acts with, or
in any manner
Suspension or Expulsion
Any Group
Threatens the Public Peace
9
Encourages a Disorderly
Gathering
Refuses Promptly to Leave
A Police Officer
10
Any Responsible University
Official
THE LAW
ENCOURAGES A
DISORDERLY GATHERING;
and any student who fails or
REFUSES PROMPTLY TO
LEAVE
the vicinity
of such gathering,
when requested to do so
by A POLICE OFFICER
or ANY RESPONSIBLE
UNIVERSITY OFFICIAL,
shall be subject to penalty
as a participant in
a disorderly gathering.
Any student suspected
of violation
of this regulation
shall be summoned to appear
before a duly constituted
STUDENT JUDICIAL BODY
of the University.
Such body shall EXAMINE
ALL AVAILABLE EVIDENCE
for or against the student.
If, in the considered
judgment of such Body,
the student is determined
to have been involved,
RECOMMENDATION FOR
DISCIPLINARY ACTION
Student Judicial Body
Examine All Available Evidence
Recommendation for Disciplinary
Action 11
THE LAW
shall be made to the
DEAN OF STUDENTS.
In order to enforce this
proposal, IFC and MRHA
will select THREE
RESPONSIBLE MEMBERS
of each living group
with the responsibility
directed toward
DISCOURAGING
PARTICIPATION
in a "disorderly gathering".
These individuals will be
INSTRUCTED BY
UNIVERSITY AND LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS
about their obligations.
They will be expected
TO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY
PROPER AUTHORITIES
in face of described
student misconduct.
Dean of Students
Three
Responsible
Members
Discouraging Participation
Instructed by University and
Law Enforcement Officials
To Contact Immediately Proper
Authorities
The Maneater
Friday, December 13
"Cheer up, Charlie! I just heard a couple of nurses
talking and they said it's probably just psychoso-
matic."
Something Herd on Campus
By Carl F. Schlanger
A few days ago, the Showme
Roving Reporter happened upon
an elephant named Charman
wedged between the fourth and
fifth columns, facing Jesse Hall.
It was learned from the gath-
ered crowd that its owner, daugh-
ter of Conway Twitty and Kitty
Kallen - Kitty Twitty - had
been in the habit of allowing
Charman to graze near the col-
umns while she was in class since
the beginning of the semester.
Miss Twitty, a freshman, actually
had been in the same class day
and night since the beginning of
the semester and was unable to
say how her elephant became
wedged.
The Showme Reporter posed
questions such as, "What do you
think should be done to free the
animal?" and "Would you like
to comment on this public ele-
phant sandwich?"
President Ellis . . . "Very un-
sightly. Very. I realize and appre-
ciate the significance of being the
Only president of a major univer-
sity with an elephant, that is, a
four footed mammal having its
snout prolonged into a muscular
proboscis and two incissors in the
upper mandible developed into
long tusks - in my backyard,
but we cannot overlook the politi-
cal significance of such an ani-
mal.
"Just yesterday I received a
rather sharp letter from the gov-
ernor indicating he didn't at all
appreciate my little 'elephant
joke'."
Ag Student . "Well, seein' as
that big thing is a vegetarian, an'
considerin' that he ain't goin' any-
wheres anyways, an' with the
price of fertilizer what it is, I
don't see why you don't just leave
him be."
Dean Matthews . . "Another
problem, gee whiz and holy cow
and rats and fiddlesticks and I
hope you edit my comments be-
cause I am so very upset. This is
absolutely the last elephant we
will allow on campus, absotive-
ly . . . "
Housing Office . . ."Charman
has been trouble ever since we
first tried to get housing set up-
it had to be unapproved - so we
found a two-elephant garage and
that was fine until he became
frightened by a bar of Ivory soap
and pushed out one of the walls.
"So we moved him into a single
elephant garage with, of all
things, ivory inlaid walls - we
thought it was a cheap imitation
- but you can't fool an elephant
about that kind of thing.
"If there's anything an elephant
knows besides never forgetting,
it's ivory - and he became ob-
sessed with the thought that his
mother was near. Have you ever
seen a full-grown elephant in the
fetal position? No, I guess you
haven't.
"We set up rules - no female
visitors - because the neighbors
might get the wrong idea. And
since he is being used as a ve-
hicle, he needed a parking stick-
er and his owner put one on the
lower right corner of his right
(Cont'd on Page 41)
Ron Powers
SHOWME's Prodigal Editor,
Revisits the Mizzou Campus
Ron Powers, SHOWME's co-editor last year, is now
a "real, live journalist", as he puts it.
Writing prep sports for the St. Louis Post-
Dispatch and cartooning for Concordia Publishing
House, he occasionally gets a spell for nostalgia
(or homesickness, as some put it) and pays his ol'
buds here at Mizzou a visit.
He also was good enough to whip out the old
pen and create a couple of funnies for this issue
of SHOWME. Unprintable captions for the camel
cartoon appearing throughout the magazine can
be had by sending a stamped, self-addressed enve-
lope to Ron, c/o the Post Dispatch sports depart-
ment.
"Gertrude Stein
Is Gertrude Stein
Is Gertrude Stein . .
"Thank goodness Grindon, for these goal-line
stands!"
(With a Southern Accent)
by Ken Hayden
Author of
Son of Death of a Salesman
The Scene: the exterior of that
palatial tribute to modern arqui-
tectural know-how known to the
urban renewal set as "T-D (as
in 'Tough Dates') 3". Since this
is a work of fiction, any connec-
tion with any person, living or in
the Student Health Clinic, is pure-
ly plagiaristic.
Enter Our Hero, Maury Ma-
dras, a dapper soul, resplendent
in his button-down mind and
plaid but wet and bleeding nose.
MADRAS: To cross the Rotzy
field or not to cross the Rotzy
field, that is the question. Wheth-
er 'tis nobler in the gunshed to
suffer the slings and arrows of
outrageous battery commanders
or to take arms against a sea of
freshmen, and by opposing, flunk
them. But hark, what from yon-
der miserable, broken down ex-
cuse for a dormitory breaks? A
lass, alas.
(A young lass of considerable
proportion makes with the leaps
and bounds bit until she reaches
MADRAS. She throws herself
upon him.)
YOUNG LASS OF CONSIDER-
ABLE PROPORTIONS WHO
HAS JUST MADE WITH THE
LEAPS AND BOUNDS BIT,
THROWN HERSELF UPON MA-
DRAS, ETC.: (With slight Sou-
thern accent, as perhaps from Vir-
ginia) Pahdon me-all, suh, but
would you-all mahnd di-recting
me to the Stoodent Confed'racy.
MADRAS: The word is "Union",
18
miss. It's the Student Union.
Y. L. O. C. P. W. H. J. M T
L. A. B. B. T. H. U. M. E.: (with
slightly deeper Southern accent,
as perhaps from South Carolina)
Please, suh. We Suthuhnehs
frawn upun the use uv such sub-
versive language, so ahd thank
you to watch yoah tongue in mah
presence. Ah meen reely, suh!
MADRAS: I'm terribly sorry,
miss. But I didn't realize you
were a Southern belle. How com-
pletely stupid of me. It's really
perfectly obvious, what with the
"Visit Friendly Birmingham"
placard on your bike there, an'
all.
You want to get to the, if you'll
pardon the expression, Union,
eh? I'd suggest you make a bee-
line across Rollins Field, being
careful not to get yourself buried
in the swimming pool there-
abouts, proceed thence to Brew-
er Field House, where, so the leg-
end goes, a Freshman was once
excused from taking Physical Fit-
ness-Rest his soul-and then . .
"Tell, star."
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep-
er Southern accent, as perhaps
from Mississippi) Pahdon me,
suh. I don't know exactly how ta
go 'bout askin' you-all this, being
as how you-all aren't in the habit
uv indulgin' in mint juleps foah
breakfast like we civilized folks,
but would you-all be so good as
to escoaht me to this heah place?
MADRAS: Golly, mam, I'd cer-
tainly like to, but I'm afraid I
have to get to my Rotzy class.
We're gonna be shown a Big
Picture film demonstrating the
proper techniques of disassem-
bling and cleaning an M-1 rifle
while under the constant fire of
a band of D.A.R. members re-en-
acting the battle of Thermopolae.
We're all dying to know how it
comes out.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep-
er Southern accent, as perhaps
from South St. Louis) Ah can
naturally undahstand yoah fevah-
rish antisipashun of uh cinema of
such grandueah, suh, but shuahly
you-all don't intend to pass up
this goldun oppoahtunity to draw
ouah two great culchuhs, Noath
and Sou-ath, into evah-closah
unity. Why, boy, the two of us
cou-ald go down in history as an-
othah Mason an' Dixon, Damon
an' Pythias, Simon an' Shustah.
Ask not whut the Blue-Gray
game can do foah you-all, but
whut you-all can do foah the
Blue-Gray game!
MADRAS: Golly, gee, baby, it's
a hard choice to make, between
being the potential savior of our
nation and watching Mamie Eis-
enhower at the Battle of Ther-
mopolae.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep-
er accent, as perhaps from Cuba)
Nevah you mahnd, boy. Theah
is anothah who ah am shuah will
be willin' to accept the challenge.
An' theah he is now. (She points,
and Emily Post turns over.) See,
ovah theah, thet tall, skinny guy
in the black, with the stovepipe
hat and the wart. Hey, Abe!
MADRAS: Ah, come on now,
you don't mean to stand there and
tell me you've got Abe Lincoln
to walk you to the Student Un-
ion, do you?
Y.L.O.C.P.: No, silly, Abe Bot-
lieb. He dresses kinda funny, but
he shoah is a fine fella-friendly,
too. Why, once he told me he
was gonna make a trip awl the
way to Gettysburg jus' to deliver
a dress.
He acts kinda funny when we
go to the show, though. He keeps
lookin' ovah his shoulder.
MADRAS: Okay, I'll go with you
over to the Union. It's the least I
can do for The Cause.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (She takes his arm)
Oh, joy! On behalf uv two uv
mah ancestors, both late uv the
gallant Confed'rate Ahmy - Col-
onel Moahton an' Captain Kanga-
roo -ah do humbly thank ya.
MADRAS: Better yet, let me
show you the Southern part of
the campus.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep-
er Southern accept, as perhaps
from Stephens College) Y'all
mean Saouth Groop?
MADRAS: Nope, a little deeper
South.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With slightly deep-
er Southern accent, as perhaps
from Rio de Janeiro) Y'all mean
the Aggie Barns?
MADRAS: Nope, (heh, heh) a
little deeper south.
Y.L.O.C.P.: (With much deeper
Southern accent, as perhaps from
the South Pole in the chilly sea-
son) Sorry, Yankee!
FABULOUS
Football Doll
PLA-BOY
DRIVE-IN
BRAG OF CHICKEN
The
Bookhouse
Odyssey of the Noseless Whip
by Tell Neff
and Larry Roth
Erdrake Erblatt was a stone. No,
not a literal, for real rock, but
merely a stone - he was just
there. He was a good student, all
right. Straight C's and all like
that, but he never did anything
else.
He had had a blind date once.
She came in wearing a black
patch over her left eye and a big,
wide belt with a silver buckle
(she made it herself) and Er-
drake couldn't take it and ran to
the mall and threw himself into
the first available fountain. That
killed dating for Erdrake Erblatt.
In fact, that almost killed Er-
drake Erblatt.
He tried to get into campus
politics as a party whip. He's
whippy, all right, said the Big
Movers, but he lacks something
essential to the political image.
(They were probably referring
to a nose. Erdrake didn't have
one.)
Poor Erdrake! He paced the
Strollway from morning till
night, trying to be something, but
all he ever was to anybody else
was "that nut who paces the
Strollway from morning till night,
trying to be something."
One day Erdrake was overpac-
ing the underpass when he tripped
over a flip-top- box - SPLAT!-
into a perfect three-point land-
ing (his two hands and where
his nose should have been).
He picked himself up. He ab-
sent-mindedly slipped the empty
box into his pocket, right next
to the little ball of moth dust he
was saving for analysis in his aes-
thetics class.
* * *
That evening Erdrake was
studying. His roommate left, and
he was alone.
"Ah, I'm alone," he said. And
he was.
Suddenly he was swept up in
a frenzy of procrastination. His
attention was drawn from his
book to deep contemplation of the
flip-top box, which lay on the
floor near the wastebasket, which
he had missed with a behind-the-
back shot, which he regretted. It
was open, and the flip-top seemed
to be saying, "Stick with me, Er-
drake, and I'll make you famous
. Stick with me, Erd -"
Erdrake's roomy burst through
the door. He was rather concern-
ed when Erdie explained that he
had been listening to the voice of
an empty cigarette pack, but re-
lieved to hear that he hadn't tried
to answer.
"What does it all mean?" asked
our paragon of mediocrity. And
good ol' Roomy, like a prophet
of old, revealed to Erdrake the
wonderful world - the hope and
the heartbreak, the industry and
the pathos, the final shining hour
of triumph to the victor - of
cigarette-pack-saving contests.
"I get it!" our hero cried at
last. "You save up thousands and
thousands of cigarette packs, and
then see how many you can cram
into a Volkwagen or a clothes
dryer .
"No, no, no," Roomy shook his
head. He began at the beginning
again. Finally it sunk in. By dawn
Erdrake was convinced that, with
the head start he almost had
thrown away, he was invincible.
Erdrake cut classes for three
weeks in what was probably the
biggest empty cigarette pack hunt
on record. He rummaged in trash
baskets and ash cans, even in an
urban renewal district, where
empty cigarette packs usually are
destroyed as filthy menaces to
the public health.
He had his entire physical fit-
ness class save all their empty
packs for him. When he saw a
pack being discarded, he would
snatch it before it hit the ground.
He worked a shady deal with the
(Continued on Page 36)
"Boy! I thought we were gon-
na have a riot when the ol'
star hesitated over that girls'
dorm!"
"Faster, men - we have to get
there before ZBT."
22
Showme's Sweatheart
Photos by Bill Beasley
Pam Weiser
"These pictures are for WHAT??!"
26
Showme Reviews
The Great Books
THE GUERNSEY REPORT
The Guernsey Report is considered by some the frankest expose
of the sexual deviations and practices among the dairy class. Shock-
ing episodes reveal what happened the day the milking machines
short circuited. Read the true story of secret orbital flight - the
real reason that the cow jumped over the moon. Dr. Bossie X, name
concealed to protect his butter-fat record, tells all about the secret
Mu Mu society and its weekly meetings behind stantion #5. This work
is suggested adult only reading.
Price: 1 gallon
GONE WITH THE GAME
This tragic, sometimes humorous novel deals with the migratory
instincts of that little known but well represented species - the
alumni. The annual "homecoming" urge is sketched through the eyes
of a fading campus beauty, a frustrated Phi Beta Kappa and a paun-
chy one time gridiron hero. Most inspiring is the account of Heubert
R. Lock's success. When no on would tell him what was behind the
"green door", Heubert left school and established the first key club.
Included in the appendix is a list of the 100 richest alums and their
favorite sob stories. (Watch for the sequel to Gone With the Game -
How to Con an Alum out of Money Without Really Trying.
Price: None (donated)
FROM HERE TO HALL E
This is the chilling account of a young coed's walk from the
Student Health Center to her dorm.
Read of her epic battle in Jesse's swinging doors. Read
of her narrow escape at the Engineer's Shamrock. Read the parts
that have been left out of this synopsis.
Price: 95c in cheap drugstores everywhere
(Cont'd Next Page)
Norelco
MIZZOU
BARBER SHOP
Showme Reviews
LESLIE, COME HOME
Dear Leslie,
We are so proud that our little girl has already been called to
the Judiciary Board four times. They must be thinking of making you
a member!
Dear Leslie,
How sweet of your English instructor to say that he never has
read anything like your essays before. That must be why he sent us
that pretty pink paper!
Dear Leslie,
Darling, you haven't written to us all month. Hasn't your allowance
run out yet?
These are but a few excerpts from Leslie, Come Home, a touch-
ing and tender collection of a mother's letters to her offspring at
Old Mizzou.
Price: One week's allowance
THE UGLY COLUMBIAN
A comprehensive study of prejudice, this book shows the re-
action of a small town population to the influx of "foreign" students
(from Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, California, etc.). Especially wor-
thy of attention is chapter eight, which recounts the moving story
of an idealistc merchant who cashes checks from any state and for
amounts over $50. Highlights of his tale include blackballing by the
Columbia Chamber of Commerce and an investigation by the Fixed
Business Bureau. Also included are charts and graphs showing a
direct correlation between the arrival of students and an increase in
prices.
Price: $8.75 (in Columbia)
ADVISE AND DISSENT
Advise and Dissent is the pathetic tale of a student's encounter
with his advisor on the subject of a change in majors. Dramatic dia-
logue reveals interdepartmental rivalry . . . "But Mr. Budby, I don't
want to devote the rest of my life to basic research in geranium genes!
I want to branch out."
"Listen 707134.5," (I knew he was mad - he called me by my
full number.) "I know you've been visiting the ivy department. They
always try to lure away my best geranium men with promises about
that 'filthy green.'
"Fie on the ivy league! You'll be happier staying in geraniums.
Let me tell you about the dirty work they pull in Transplanting I
over there . . . "
Be sure to put this on your reading list before making out next
semester's program.
Price: $1 (after petitioning opens)
28
The Life of a P. A.
The life of a P.A. is nothing
like it was in the good old days.
I remember when we never
had to smile!
Nobody liked us - but we
didn't really care.
Now they're trying a new ap-
proach, changing our image.
"You can get further with
friendship than by a sheer show
of power."
The power . . . demerits right
and left. No one dared to pass
us except on tip-toe.
Oh, well. I guess somebody has
to set an example for Khrushchev
By Sonns
and
Yuchs
The First
Nhuell
by Ken Hayden
An eon or three or four or
somewhere thereabouts ago, there
could be found roaming about the
campus of Saigon University
(Columbia, Missouri branch) an
intrepid co-ed who answered to
the name of "Battle of Brandy-
wine" Nhu because her father
fought at Gettysbury and since
there already was a "Gettysburg"
Nhu (whose father fought at San
Juan Hill) at Saigon University,
she was called "Battle of Brandy-
wine" to avoid confusion.
Some folks merely called her
"Brand" for short. That name left
a lasting impression.
Now, Miss "Brand" Nhu, be-
ing a foreign exchange student
from a Southeast Asian kingdom
of questionable culinary prac-
tices, called Weate Mom, and hav-
ing not seen her homeland since
she was abducted by Genghis
Kahn (who was doing the life
story of John Wayne at the time)
and his mongrel horde eighty-
nine years before, was somewhat
homesick.
She had attempted to recreate
the enchanting aura of her far-
off homeland by sundry ingeni-
ous and entirely non-Communist
methods.
She had 1) painstakingly culti-
vated rice paddies over the anti-
pigeon stakes atop the Student
Union . (but, unfortunately, left
her water buffalo hopelessly en-
snared in a turnstile at the Ben-
gal Lair); 2) played her country's
national anthem, "Key for Coup",
during halftime at all of Saigon
U. (Columbia, Missouri branch)'s
football games; 3) passed a book
of matches to anyone whom she
caught in the process of leg-
crossing and/or arm folding; and
4) absconded with all the Hawai-
ian Punch (which she called "for-
eign ade") in the commissary of
Pershing Cafeteria.
* * *
But, alas, the course of true
home-away-from-home - making
never did run smooth. All that
came of her concerted efforts was
eight semesters on social pro, a
Hawaiian Punch hangover, and
five-thousand pounds of lop-sided
rice that twitched instinctively
whenever a clock bonged.
But daunted she was definitely
not. To the contrary - her de-
termination to convert the popu-
lace to Weate Momism was con-
siderably intensified.
She cogitated about the prob-
lems considerably, and finally,
See Lehrer, Tom, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," or SHOWME.
Autumn, '63, page 20, and you'll understand.
"We're all going to feel pret-
ty silly explaining this trip to
Nasser."
30
while cogitating considerably one
evening in the seclusion of her
humble penthouse suite on the
roof of her friend Henry Cabot's
lodge, she found the answer she
sought.
* * *
She decided to invent Christ-
mas. Well aware she was of the
fact that this would not immeas-
urably help convert the populace
of Saigon U. (Columbia, Mis-
souri branch) to Weate Momism,
but it would immeasurably help
explain the title of this article,
which was good for a starter.
Since no one at Saigon U. ( . .
. .) had heretofore attempted
the invention of Christmas, she
was at a loss for a precedent; as
you know, we're all miserable
without Christmas precedents,
and she was no less so. Therefore,
to assuage her grief and lengthen
the article, she set out to estab-
lish one.
Her first inspiration came
when she saw a little fat man
with a red suit and long white
whiskers and a red cap on his
head and a little round belly that
shook when he laughed like a
bowl full of jelly and with a sack
slung over his shoulder come
shuffling out of the Student Com-
mons one day, climb in a sleigh
powered by eight tiny reindeer,
and fly off.
"Him we'll use," she thought
inspiredly. "With a few minor
changes, of course. Like, for in-
stance, the red suit bit'll have to
go. Communistic implication. Bad
for the image. Black'd be better.
Good, non-controversial color,
black.
"And the silly cap. That's out,
too. Tall hat's what he needs.
Same color, too - black. Oh, and
the short, fat routine - that's
no good at all. Needs to be tall,
stately - someone the under-
graduates at Saigon U. (Colum-
bia, Missouri branch) can look up
to. Too many short, fat men run-
ning around these days.
Beard oughta be darker, too,
and not so much of it. Distin-
guished, he's gotta look distin-
guished - dark beard'll do it.
Oughta be carrying a book or
something, instead of that dirty
old sack, too. We want an intel-
lectual, not a bum.
And the sleigh thing is out. Let
him walk; it'll do him good. Wipe
the smile off his face, and we've
got it. That's the symbol Christ-
mas needs!"
Now that Madame Nhu had
gotten over the initial hump,
things began to get easier. Christ-
mas, she decided, needed some-
thing you could hang things on.
"Like a tree. Yeah, that's it.
People and things are always get-
ting hung from trees. I'll invent
the Christmas tree. An' I'll call it
the White Oak. People and
things'll like getting hung from
it," she said.
"You have to watch these des-
ert vandals -one pot shot and
we're down to three men."
In high gear now, she decided
with little difficulty that:
a) Christmas should come on one
specific day, so people could cir-
cle it on their calendars months
in advance, start putting up deco-
rations for the next one almost as
soon as it's over, and express
heartfelt relief that it comes only
once a year - July Fourth would
do nicely; b) there should be a
song or songs that people could
sing to give themselves an excuse
to use more nog than egg at par-
ties that they could sing it/them
at - like "Fight, Tigers, Fight
for old Saig. U." and "Dixie";
c) approximately one week af-
ter they celebrate Christmas,
people should be required to hol-
ler vociferous-like, "Happy Nhu
Year", for obvious reasons.
Thoroughly elated at her
achievement, Madame Nhu im-
mediately showed the blueprints
of the inspired creation to any
and all who would look at them.
Unhappily, however, the general
consensus seemed to be that the
thing would never catch on; such
obvious gimmicks, they said, nev-
er do.
So, her spirits dampened some-
what but the fire of determina-
tion still burning brightly in her
Weate Momese heart, she sold
the copyright of the whole thing
to the Hallmark Company,
(which is reported to be doing
fairly well with it), and scurried
off to invent Beethoven's Birth-
day.
Oh, Fred, Poo Fred,
Mama's Hung You From the Columns
And You're Missing Phys. Ed. 31
"I am a full fledged Columbia citizen."
"I told you you shouldn't have driven that nail into
the wall."
SAVITAR FROLICS.
STUDENT-
FACULTY
LOUNGE
"I'm sorry Miss Adams, you just don't have the ears
for it."
34
" . . . and now Ban Deodorant brings you tonight's
movie, 'The Desert Fox'."
"No where can we hide him till next year?"
"Any of you fellas thought
how we're gonna get back home
if that star doesn't come
through?"
"Forty days each way is go-
ing to drag a lot of negative
hours."
"It's going to look pretty bad,
what with two out of three of
us kings arriving on three-
legged camels." 35
NOSELESS WHIP
pike-wielders from Buildings and
Grounds. He sifted the sand in
the Union ashtrays.
One of Erdrake's engineering
friends, inspired by his ardor,
taught a computer to smoke. The
computer almost immediately hit
an efficience peak of 97 packs per
day, and did its engineering work
twice as fast as before. But by
the second week it had to be
oiled with strong coffee, and it
developed cancer of the tuning
knob.
Erdrake's roomy noticed a
change taking place in him. He
was regaining his self-confidence.
He walked a little straighter. He
held his chin a little higher. He
grew a nose. He started passing
ROTC inspections. (The nose was
a great help here.)
He now was smoking ten packs
of cigarettes every day, and one
pack after supper.
One day his roomy asked him,
"Erd, why'n't you cut down a lit-
tle, fellow? I mean I can't get in
the room any more, what with
all the empty cigarette packs and
all. I mean I don't mind sleeping
on them or anything, but I can't
get into my closet any more, and
when I go to class dressed in cig-
arette packs I have to do a fruit
little dance and pretend I'm a
commercial from Savitar Frolics,
I mean.
But Erdrake just exhaled a few
bars of his theme song (Puff, the
Magic Draggin') in Roomy's face,
and explained that the contest
would be over tomorrow.
Well sir, needless to say, with
fifty-three bundles of 100,000
empty cigarette packs each, one
is either going to win a contest or
one is going to have a bonfire that
will make a couch burning look
smaller than a pep rally.
One won.
Erdrake fell, exhausted, upon
his bronze-plated "Outstanding
Pack-Rat Plaque". Emotion deep
within sent a tear dripping onto
Erdrake's $10,000 scholarship to
the Institute of Tobaccotechnic
Science, (which is scheduled for
completion in 1969). But the
greatest rewards were reaped
right here on campus.
The Maneater carried his name
in big type, and referred to him
affectionately as "double E".
Girls swooned. Roomy pumped
his hand and quit asking him to
take a shower. Even the dean
sent a sweet note, observing "ex-
tenuating circumstances", along
with all his deficiencies.
The honoraries fought for him.
The local Cub Scouts asked him
to be a Pack Leader. The drama
department offered him a well-
paying bit part in a series of
Smoky the Bear anti-fire plugs.
In fact, the only sore point of
Erdrake's new exisitence was the
sore point of his nose, which
scraped the ground as he paced
the Strollway.
Medico
Filter Pipes
(Continued from Page 15)
ear because Miss Twitty alleges
him to be a convertible model.
"But we told her that she'd
best place the sticker on the
beast's rear like everybody else."
Animal Husband . . . "Let me
tell you something about the male
elephant. Did you know that ele-
phants breed at only certain peri-
ods of the year? And we should
be thankful for that! Talk about
an over-population problem!"
Law Student . . . "Now, if we
stand around here right in front
of the elephant where he can hear
and talk about forcing him from
between the columns, considering
that he may not want to be dis-
enwedged, he might consider it
an assault and so press charges.
If we do take steps to remove
him and removin' him requires a
touching of some sort, he may
consider such a tortious act. He's
bound to consider any touching
a trespass on his person. But then
again, that elephant is not a per-
son. Would you consider that ele-
phant a person? Well, I wouldn't,
at least in a legal sense. But I
know some persons that . . I di-
gress.
And he's probably trespassing
on university property. But I don't
really know if an animal ferae
naturae can trespass.
I suggest an appeal. Confusion
affirmed."
Mental Hygiene Clinic Thera-
pist . . . "It's difficult to say
whether psychology, the inexact
science that it is, could be of any
help. But it would be interesting
to wedge four more elephants be-
tween the other columns and set
up a group therapy situation and
then test for deviation."
As this reporter was about to
leave the scene, an engineering
student was seen pushing through
the crowd, and we asked him to
comment. This parley followed:
"Comment on what?"
"Don't you know What this
crowd is doing here?"
"Well, I did notice the crowd
but I was on my way to ME 179
and . . . "
"Didn't you notice the ele-
phant?"
"The what?"
"The elephant."
"Oh . . .no, I didn't notice it-
you see, I was on my way to this
here ME 179 class when my slide
rule got hung up in my bicycle
spokes on the Strollway and the
torque and my inertia threw me
over the handlebars, my trajec-
tory terminating itself in a con-
vertible full of worthless English
majors who spitted on me and . "
"Don't you wish to comment
about the elephant?"
"Is that really an elephant? We
had a problem once about a ele-
phant in my ME 179 class where
he got stuck between two walls,
but the instructor told us to skip
it because it ain't a practical prob-
lem and . . . "
At the close of the third day
of attempts to remove the ani-
mal, the Republican National
Committee offered to remove the
animal free of charge and present
Miss Twitty with a new Thunder-
bird in exchange for the elephant.
Charman was removed on the
fourth day by use of large quanti-
ties of hot air and an offer of a
"Newer New Frontier".
Recently, a Thunderbird was
found wedged between the fourth
and fifth columns, facing Jesse
Hall.
HAPPY YUL TIED
"Hey, I just thought of some-
thing. Either of you guys know
Yiddish?"
37
Contributor's Page
The biggest thing in triumverates
since "Julius Caesar" or the
Three Musketeers is Max Oken-
full, Spence DeHart, and Jim Mc-
Leish. Francis House is their
home base, although each one
lives on a different floor. (No, no,
the University wouldn't dare let
them live on the same floor!)
Two thirds of this "tri-level tri-
umverate smoke pipes 90 per cent
of the time. At last count there
were nearly 70 pipes between
them. (Now you see why they
couldn't live on the same floor!)
More interesting statistics on
the threesome: Two-thirds of
them don't have beards; two-
thirds of them have roomed to-
gether at one time or another;
two-thirds of them failed their
first semesters of a foreign lan-
guage.
One third of the clan is from
out of state. (Jim swears that
there really is a Claude, Texas.
One of his gems is "My father is
from Scotland and my mother is
from Texas. I don't have a drop
of American blood in me.")
Spence, in true triumverate
38
fashion, messes around with the
MSA Senate. Once he dated a
girl named Portia.
Max, the grad of the group,
has a B.A. in Russian civ and
now is working on Russian his-
tory. He's president of ODK and
a Phi Bete (or is it Fly Bait?)
Jim is a psychology major
(Freudian). He finds all kinds of
symbols in SHOWME, but won't
tell us what they mean.
Spence is in education, in ad-
vanced Army ROTC, and incor-
rigible.
Politically they claim to be so-
cial moderates, but actually
they're mostly just social. Talk
to them on campus some time.
You can't miss them. Two-thirds
are around six feet tall, and one-
third is . . anyway, you'll see
Spence, too.
* * *
Ever since Marty Eldred trans-
ferred to M.U. from Stephens in
her junior year, she has managed
quite well. Managed advertising,
mostly.
After three years of selling ads,
the first year for Stephens Life
and the past two for Showme,
Marty has come to know Colum-
bia merchants quite well.
Columbia merchants like Mar-
ty, but not just because she sells
ads. She buys. And Marty must
have bought well, for this year
she is one of the Ten Best Dressed
Girls at Mizzou.
With all this advertising experi-
ence who would have thought
that Marty is in elementary edu-
cation! Yes, friends, 'tis true. Her
class assignments may have a
sales pitch flavor to them -
"Don't miss the next chapter in
'Dick and Jane'."
Marty has definite political
views and worked for a congress-
man in the summer of 1962.
(Could these facts be related,
maybe?)
If you want to meet Marty
this winter, you might find her
rushing back and forth between
the Chi Omega house and down-
town Columbia. She might not
have a coat on. She thinks Mis-
souri winters are "warm". Well,
what can you expect from some-
one from Ludington, Michigan . .
"Congratulations men! With this victory we've assured the rights of every American."
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