Showme Says Winter, 1963 Showme Says Winter, 1963 2008 1963/Winter image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show1963winter

Showme Says Winter, 1963; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1963

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Showme says Vote UUU Winter, '63 "I need some perfumed notebook papers, a can of spray net, a stuffed skunk, an orange sweat- shirt, a Sigill Universitatis mug, and a book for Naval Weapons 103. Where else could I buy all that? "University Book Store" (Sigh) the biggest political issue on campus Along the Campaign Trail The Perishscope The U. U. U. Platform Adam Baughm's Political Diary Adam Baughm's Scrapbook The Great Orates An untitled behind-the-scenes candid view of the intricacies of student political and governmental intrigues (gasp) Party Pin-ups Letters from the Editors Is Monopoly getting monotonous? Try Oligopoly The Wall My Friend Gorg Contributors page Showme is a University of Mis- souri publication. Send all contri- butions, complaints, letters to the editors, pledges, etc. to room 302 Read Hall. We publish sporadically (3 or 4 times a year) from the inner sanc- tum of Mrs. Flynn's office. If you want to steal anything from us for republication, the least you could do is tell us about it so maybe we can get a copy of what you're printing, or at least tell you what kind of trouble we got into when we published it. Ad rates furnished on request to anybody with money. Printed by the devil-may-care Coke friends at Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City. our cover Flinging his arm proudly sky- ward in a gesture of well-flung flingitude, Adam Baughm graces Showme's campaign button cover. Anybody who's anybody knows Adam (flanked by his trusty sec- ond, Isor) is the standard-bearer for the Showme political party, U.U.U. (Unitedly United Uniteds.) Entering the campus political race as a late-starting darkhorse, U.U.U. (which is for you, You, YOU) believes it can still sweep to victory, largely because we have merged with both of the remain- ing parties. (A move which left not a few hardy campaign workers pushed, as it were, out of shape.) To find out more about Adam, read the rest of the mag. Then cut out the button and proudly pin it on your lapel. Use it as a lavalier. Fake a parking sticker with it. But remember ole Adam come write-in vote time, you hear? (Cov- er design by Ron Powers and Linda Boeser) friends of U.U.U. Editors Ron Powers and Larry Roth Business Manager Elaine Alberter Feature Editor Mike Miner Writers Paul Hirth, Jerry Goe, Frank Weltner, Winston Gifford, Tell Neff Art Editor Joe Jahraus Artists Sandy Tyrpak, David Keller, Larry Burks, Glen D. Harbison Circulation Manager Steve Dansker Exchange Editor Cynthia Harvey Publicity Manager Charles Weiss Beverly Yuchs, Shirley Allison, Bennett Tarleton, Buzz Hyer, Chuch Zobac, Linda Shuck, Win Gifford, Lois Olein, Jack Felt, Erich Johnson, Bernard Zick Advertising Manager Marty Eldred Ad Salesmen Cindy Miller, Kathy Mussman Housemother Linda Boeser Typists Marvel Brown, Gwen Stewart, Linda Williams, Mary Mason, Barbara Ulmer Photographers Clyde Linsley, Gary Zumwalt, Ted Funk Isor and Adam Max Okenfuss, Spence Dehart Inspirational Follower Jim McLeish Faculty Walking Coach Phil Basson Distributed by the happy characters in Theta Xi and Hardin House 3 FIGHT SONG OF THE UNITEDLY UNITED UNITEDS* (UUU) brisk fascisimo UUU, let's all vote for UUU. It will work for who, who, who? It will work for you, you, you. Vote our candidates steadfast, Loyal, honest and true. We'll put Missouri ahead fast. What very fine things we will do! Oh, YOU, you, you better vote for UUU. It will work for you, you, you, When UUU comes marching in. *We were looking for a name that rang with solidarity, the oneness of purpose with which Showme was de- termined to plunge into the fray and fight for a better deal for old M.U. We thrashed the matter out and UUU was our final, compromise choice. 4 Around the Columns As this issue of Showme maga- zine goes to press, a taut atmos- phere pervades the campus. The battle lines are drawn. Challenges are being issued, and issues are being challenged. It's campus politics time. The parties - the Missouri Pro- gressives and' the Alliance are by this time swinging into the last crucial few days of their cam- paigns. The race seems so tight that pos- sibly the slightest tip of the scales could swing the marginal votes one way or another. The Man- eater has pledged impartiality. Savitar hasn't come out yet. Mid- lands is still being interpreted on the Third Level. The Missourian is considering the Issues. That takes care of every publi- cation ever to appear on this cam- pus that we can think of - oh yes, there is one more. We'll talk about that one a little later. Anyway, the really big question around Francis Quadrangle is, Will Showme Support a Candidate? Will Showme Align itself with a Party? Are the Scales headed for Tipsville? The answer is Yes. Showme has studied the Mis- souri Progressives. Showme has studied the Alliance. Showme has studied - and studied - and - And leaped nobly into the breach with a Party of its own, the U.U.U. (Unitedly United Uniteds.) Consider if you will the merits of U.U.U. (It's for you, You, YOU!) Look at our candidates, the noble (though small of stature) Adam Baughm, an explosive individual indeed (if you will pardon us a little levity. for we do heartily feel that Humor is an essential in- gredient in the American Way of Life.) Follow Adam and his mysterious sidekick, Isor, through our politi- cal pages. Learn his stands, his is- sues. And vote, cool reader. The write-in is a large weapon indeed. Look at Bishop Tomlinson. Look at Hollingsworth. The biggest political issue on campus is, at this moment, verily, in your hands. Oh, yeah - about that one oth- er publication - the M-Book - never take sides. We like U.U.U. because it's the only party that doesn't pretend to exist. " . . And on your right is pic- turesque Jay H. Neff Hall. Built in 1909, the structure housed the world's first school of journalism, and is one of the most revered landmarks in Boone County. "The attractive old gold and black fallout-shelter sign was added in 1963-" Geez, they're everywhere. The little gold signs with the little black triangles. It looks like every building on campus is the Tri-Delt Annex. Somebody is making a mint, and it's anybody's guess how long it will take the M-Store to come out with Fallout Shelter car decals . . . We hear they've had to condemn three shelters already because they weren't approved by University Housing . . . anybody caught hid- ing in one during a nuclear attack would automatically be expelled from school . . . two others were put on six months probation by the Better Business Bureau . . . they didn't have a license to dis- tribute crackers and water . . . Tell you what . . . we'll give our support to any political party that comes out with a platform plank saying they'll take down the Fall- out Shelter signs and replace them with old Showme pin-ups. There is absolutely no danger of a nuclear attack on Columbia anyway. First place, Russia has never heard of it. Second place they couldn't find it, and mainly the Chamber of Commerce wouldn't let anything that new in- side the city limits anyway. * * ** ALONG THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL with ADAM BAUGHM by Ron Powers photography by Clyde Linsley Only Adam Baughm could have said ii so well. And he did when he tossed his hat into the ring to the wild cheers of the U.U.U. party caucus. What Adam Baughm said more than marked the start of a great and glorious cam- paign, which will be depicted in the following photographs. What Adam Baughm said more than marked the sentiments of a great sprawling Midwestern campus. What Adam Baughm said more than caught the imagination of all those who heard his words. What Adam Baughm said dern near got him kicked out of school, and we'll thank him not to open his fat little mouth again till this campaign's over. Here we see Adam Baughm, typical young campus political party hopeful, hitting the Cam- paign Trail with his typical sidekick, Isor. Adam is carrying a typical soap box. "To win any campaign, you've got to be a little fruit," laughs Adam. First stop on any Campaign Trail is the bit where you kiss the babies. Since there aren't any babies to speak of on the MU campus, Adam chooses the next best thing - Pi Phi's. As Adam bashfully ducks photographer's flash, mysterious sidekick Isor proves he isn't so mysterious after all. Next stop on any Campaign Trail is the bit where you keep on kissing babies. Playful ole Isor gags it up in background as Adam, in serious mo- ment, threatens photographer who seems to be leav- ing. Talking To The Troops is a good way to prove you're just One of the Fellows. Here Adam prom- ises ROTC student the colonel's head on a platter. Isor isn't talking while the flavor lasts. Here Adam is seen Down On Main Street, USA, passing the time of day with some of the Plain Folks. Like ole Plain Folks George McDaniel, for instance. And ole Homespun Chuck Closser. Just how humble can you get? But the campaign has its tough moments. Adam and Isor meditate on very important campaign is- sue. Very important campaign issue being: How to overcome silly oversight like forgetting to reg- ister party with Division of Student Affairs? OK KIDDING ASIDE, WHAT DOES M. P. OFFER? Candidates with knowledge of how MSA truly works - not how they think it works - through months of experience M.P.'s platform takes specific stands on getting student wages raised to $1 hour in Columbia - and how to do it M.P. does not believe in charging others. It is only interested in informing you NOW of what it can do for you with your sup- port We offer you rational, specific pro- posals, qualified candidates repre- senting the entire campus equally. We don't believe in emotional cam- paign gimmicks or personal charges. VOTE FOR: Gary Dickinson for President Dave Rawlings for Treasurer Paul Lyon for Vice-President Sherri Sieving for Secretary THE UNITY PARTY Such minor problems are for- gotten in the midst of thrilling whistle-stop campaign. In above photo, Adam stops to whistle. In photo not released by Adam, pasing co-ed gives Adam fat lip. And so Adam Baughm, typi- cal young campus political par- ty hopeful, Discusses the Issues Straight From the Shoulder as the campaign draws to a close. Voters would Do Well to re- member his words: "If I lose this election, so help me I'll have Isor split every one of your lousy heads with an al- pinstock. That's how Trotsky got it." 8 The Old Heidelberg Restaurant The Perishscope Political Poopline Sabres were rattled and shakeups reverbe- rated through SHOWME's two major political opponents, ICU and UCMe during the past week. The major problem confronting the inter- ested observer after the dust had settled was, namely, the apparent disappearance of ICU and USMe. The personnel of the parties, to be sure, could be accounted for. Natty, suave young ICU leader Oak Treefuz, was last seen picking his nose with his left little toenail in the Student Union belfry, while his opponent, wily old cam- paigner Farce Malcontent had surrendered un- der threat of teargas to forces from the Student Mental Hygiene Clinic. It had been a trying week indeed for both sides of the political fence. But the parties - they had seemingly ceased to exist, with a streetfight in front of the Mis- souri Store bringing to a "zippy" end the week's caucus activities. Chinks Open Action started last Sunday with verbal darts being tossed by the adroit Treefuz, who opened a chink in Malcontent's political armor by re- viving old rumors that his (Malcontent's) mother wore GI shoes. "All the hemlock in the world couldn't make you another Socrates," retorted Malcontent, and the battle was on. Astute observers from Laws Hall to the chemistry building who anticipated some real political "in-fighting" were not disappointed. Treefuz, the brash (Let's get in theer and grab what we can, gang) young (10) political science major with a minor in juvenile delinquency, grabbed the initiative. His nettles up after Mal- content's scorching rebuttal (see above), Tree- fuz persuaded UCMe magnate Olag Oaf (senior in Community Recreation) to sell out to the ICU party. But what the cagy Treefuz didn't know was that the crafty Malcontent, anticipating the move, had secretly instructed Oaf to fake a sell-out and in reality to induce several mem- bers of his (Treefuz's) party to sell out to him (Malcontent, or was it Oaf.) Malcontent, the sly old (73) campus veteran (he came as part of the Land Grant), had his jollies. But they were short-lived. As Malcon- tent himself pointed out to a photographer, "Get away from me with that thing, Buster, or I'll call a campus cop!" Treefuz Scores In a brilliant display of political savvy and know-how, the young Treefuz scored a coup by enlisting the aid of the University aids and awards department (with promises of political spoils) to buy out the entire UCMe party. The move would have gone across and borne the youthful hopeful to victory city had not Mal- content, getting wind of the move by a spy who had sold out, cashed in his social security checks, his war bonds, and gone on relief to buy a majority share of stock in the University (now called Malcontent U.) Foxy old Malcontent had his adversary backed into a corner. The enraged Treefuz at- tempted a face saving last-ditch stand by publi- cizing a bylined story in the campus newspaper (see The Arts) which stated a prominent mem- ber of Malcontent's party had at one time been refused a date by every co-ed in the Big Eight. But his words were lost in the din as re- sourceful old Farce Malcontent proved the darl- ing of the press corps with his off-the-cuff quips during the first major press conference of the campaign: ONE THE UCMe PLATFORM: "Ha ha. Plat- form. Ha ha. That's a good question. Ha ha. Next question." ON THE NEGATIVE HOUR QUESTION: "We're all thinking positively about negative hours. Heh heh. Did you get that, boys?" ON CORE: "This University will never be another Oxford." ON CULTURAL PLANS: "I'm gonna find me a woman like Jackie. Now there's a powerful hunk of woman." Gross Battle But the storm had not subsided. Malcontent was yet to hear the last from the youthful fire- brand Treefuz. Displaying great sportsmanship, Treefuz dug into the records at Jesse Hall and discovered that Malcontent had not registered for classes for the previous three semesters. With this information in hand, and having bribed the Jesse Hall cashier to sell out to ICU, Treefuz without warning bought out UCMe, sold out ICU, and wound up as the sellout can- didate for his opponent's party. This left Mal- content, as he himself later humorously put it, "Shafted." Is Anybody Still Reading? Reacting with amazing aclarity, Malcontent challenged Treefuz's forces to a little action in front of the M-Store. Treefuz quickly agreed, and the fight was on. Describing the proceedings later, Treefuz said, "I got hit in the groin with a brass ashtray and had to quit early. I think I got a hernia. But on the whole I found the spectacle rather chaotic compared to, say, the Tiger basketball games." The U.U.U. Platform "One of the most important planks in our platform is the one our candidate may soon be walking." -old political proverb. It is with deep Gravity that we undertake to do the political bit here on this campus. We feel like there's quite a Bit Going On here that there isn't but what they could be made any great number of Improvements on and it looks like the Existing System could be changed and what not. Look at the Student Union. What we did is a bunch of us got together and held a lot of midnight caucuses and sent out to Brag-of-Chicken at all ungodly hours of the night when we was supposed to be study- ing, and we threw it around with some of the guys on the floor, only we didn't let 'em in on everything we had in mind, and contacted some pretty significant Campus Guns and lined up Support and got up some Controversial Issues which we feel have been vastly overlooked, and first thing you knew we had us a Campus Political Party. Now a lot of Certain people think campus politics is nothing but a lot of hand shakin and that garbage, but we have a lot of Significant Issues on which we are going to take a Stand, that is if the off campus inde- pendents don't Sell Out on us. They know more than they're Telling. One of the fellows who we got to be in our Party took and drew up a list of some of the stuff we stand for Unflinchingly. We here- with set it down for all eyes to see and make Public Note off of. 1. Greater emphasis on the things we as students deem important that they be empha- sized. Look at the Student Union. Look at France. 2. A definite stand on the CORE issue. 3. A thank-you letter to Julie London. We feel such an action is long over due. 4. That the Maneater get off of our backs. What we feel like is if a fella can't say anything nice about campus politics he shouldn't have to say anything at all. Look at the New York Her- ald-Tribune. 5. That housemothers wouldn't get all pushed out of shape when some girl comes in late. Look at Sweden. 6. Do something about Brewer Fieldhouse. 7. Represent all the students fairly and honestly, except for those who Sell Out on us. 8. If anything Significant comes up to be done, do it. 9. Make Who's Who. 10. Rebuild Academic Hall. It's about time they did something. Look at Chicago. 11. If any Russians or anybody comes to our campus, act shifty. You never know what those people have up their sleeve. 12. But be nice to 'em if they don't start anything. Look at Matt Dillon. 13. Encourage everybody to study hard and make better grades. What we feel like is, what's a Universitie for, anyway. Adam Baughm's Political Diary Adam Baughm has never been one to shirk responsibility. Regularly, during the rugged campaign, Baughm would somehow find the time to take quill in hand and fulfill his obligation to historians of later years. Jan. 3 - Tough blow today. Found out our sec- retarial candidate (unannounced, of course) is a spy for ICU. We all kind of hated to start mudslinging about her because she's such a sweet kid, but then politics is no kids' game and we sure can't let her win. I mean, what's to lose, considering the ICU candidate is really finking for us. Jan. 7 - Chance for a merger with TTFM (Top Two Floors Marmaduke) looks real good. They claim they can't find a viable presidential candidate (or was it pliable, or something). Anyway, had two-hour se- cret meeting with them tonight in back room of the Tiger Inn. Went real well. Nobody said anything but I'm pretty sure we outstared them. Jan. 11 - Great! Cool! Neat! New overcoat I ordered came today and is it sharp! Collar's special made just like I wanted. Reaches to top of ears. Am I a really-big gun now? Ah, boy! (Hope to wear over- coat to emergency meeting with TTFM we're going to call at 11:59 tomorrow night.) Jan. 12 - Just got back from emergency meet- ing with TTEM. Really looks good now. Manny Shkoff, their big gun, promised to go in with us. In return we gave him a co-party chairmanship (sixth so far) and top spot on UUU ticket next year. Also made him squad leader of Tappa Keg Commandoes. Those TTFM's play rough. Had one guy whose collar went up to his cowlick. Understand they brought him in from East St. Louis, special agent. Jan. 13 - Lost Tappa Kegs. Claim they don't want independent squad leader. Party reeled for while but all okay now. Whipped up proposal for depart- ment in charge of Julie London thank you not be- cause this is one plank we are all very sincere about. Promised chairmanship to O.A.T.'s. Also pointed out fact our party chairman (original) is House prexy's language lab instructor. O.A.T.'s with us now. Jan. 18 - What! Turned out Shkoff only con- trolled half of top floor Marmaduke. Dirty double dealer! Can't break promise so we disbanded party, formed Eceptional Leadership for Campus Revival (X.L.C.R.), left Shkoff out. Cool move. Jan. 23 - Amelia Sam, Dobbs Group gun, came out publicly for U.U.U. today. Can't describe how relieved we all are to get her solid support. Hope her statement counteracts that blast elsewhere in the Maneater calling us "the biggest collection of crack- pots and hypocritical opportunists ever to permeate campus politics." Lies! Lies! Lies! (to my knowledge). Feb. 3 - Held really big party caucus today. The Big Chief sure did make a really swell keynote speech. I mean he stood so tall and handsome and he didn't belch at all like he does in private and his socks were fresh and he didn't wear that moldy ascot. But mainly his ready wit just had everyone in stitches and he sure did make some salient points that I had to have explained to me later they were so profound and sharp. Golly, I was so excited I forgot my acceptance speech but that was okay because they said they run out of time so I couldn't make it anyway. But I didn't care. I mean because my little words would dwindle into insignificance coming after that magnificent . . . oh, I can't write any more I'm trembling too much. Feb. 8 - Had emergency meeting with Rodney Tool, smooth mastermind behind the other half of top floor Marmaduke machine. Pointed out X.L.C.R. name not strong enough to pull off-campus indepen- dent Sociology bloc. Suggester merger would be good excuse to change name to B.B.G. (Backed by God). I kind of liked the ring of it but kept opinion to my- self. Feb. 12 - Don't know what to think. Held party caucus and we split three ways. Still pretty sure I'm a presidential candidate but don't know if I'm on U.U.U., X.L.C.R., or B.B.G. ticket. Advised to keep mouth shut for time being. Will eagerly comply for the welfare of all concerned. Feb. 15 - Amelia Sam is gone! Publicly an- nounced that her loyalties lie with U.C.Me. An ir- replaceable loss but at least all factions have united in the face of this bitter blow and we hope to carry on . . . some how. Shkoff is new U.C.Me VP candi- date so all decided it was safe to go back to U.U.U. Onward to victory, Triple U! Feb. 16 - This is a problem. I.C.U. offered me credentials chairman if I go with them. Not quite as much power as President but who wants to be a loser. Hate to leave my pals in U.U.U. but after all . . . Oh conscience . . . Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Feb. 17 - Victory for I.C.U. Those mealy-mouthed U.U.U.'s just don't realize they don't have a chance without the off-campus independent Sociology bloc. Don't know why I wasn't with I.C.U. all along. Feb. 18 - Victory for U.U.U. Cool move pulling in of-campus independent Sociology bloc with prom- ise of chairmanship of continuing negotiations with Julie London committee. Of course I was with them all along. Face elections with serene confidence. The students will surely support the party dedicated sole- ly to their constant welfare, besides the boys will find some way to win. Sure hope they let me make accep- tance speech. Cause Mom'll be there. 11 Woolf Brothers "Don't look so smug. If Woolf Brothers had taken out a bigger ad, you could have seen the sun deck." 12 "It's no use. We can't leave till that mushroom cloud goes away." Pizza de Resistance The Agora House "How 'bout putting this transfer student from Harvard on the ballot somewhere?" 13 Adam Baughm's Scrapbook The Novus Shop " . and furhermore, either I get M. S. A. president or . I'll bury you!" 15 The Great Orates: ADAM SPEAKS TO THE GREEKS (Cough) . . . (Raise both hands in the official party victory sign.) . .(applause) . . . (cough again) . . My friends . . . (yukh!) . . . This is a momentous occasion (cough) . because UUU has gath- ered here a larger body of fraterni- ties . . . and sororities than has I . . C . . U!, - or, . . UCMe. We have ALL helped in this cam- paign. And the rewards belong to us ALL!! . . . (applause) . . . TOGETHER we have braved many Political Storms. Of course, overpromising our appointments to MSA was a mistake, yet, any- one is entitled to make mistakes - and its is a true sign of great- ness that UUU has been able to let by-gones be by-gones. But the election is still a week away, and . . . we must not let up! We all known that our opponents are going to come to us and put out a lot of meaningless dribble!, and no good, corrupt promises to some of us . . . (cough) . . . in an attempt to split UUU before the election. . . . (pause) . . . But let me warn us! - I mean "you!" . . . that THEIR promises are no better 16 than ours. You can't get any bet- ter "deal". So forget it! Just remember that Big Gold Mine in the Sky - MSA, with all those be-ee-u-ti-ful appointments! -awaits us! . . . Because the win- ning party is the UUU Party! . . . (thunderous ovation.) . . . Another thing . . . We want only those peo- ple in our party . . who can think! That's it! We need thinkers who can give us new ideas during this last week of campaigning. There- fore . . . if EVEN ONE PERSON! . . IN ANY HOUSE . . VOTES (augggh!) . . to go ICU - THEN FORGET IT AGAIN!!! FORGET the appointment bit, and the Vic- tory Party, and . . . and . . . and . . . EVERything!!! We don't want YOUR KIND in MSA. Let's get that straight right here, once and for all. Right? (Right.) Now, before we go . . I want to get down (thunderous applause) to party business for a while. Now let's see . . . Ummm . . . Oh! . . . Yes! . . . Schobbs from the Beta Eta Eta Rho house is in charge of passing all secret UUU messages in the cake donuts this week. If any of you want a secret message passed, see Schobbs. He'll be over behind the self-service coke thing. Judy Wortz of Beta Rho Alpha Sorority will hand out the trench coats for the Beta Mu Omega Chi undercover men. Robert Rublestilt of Sigma Ep- silon Alpha Kappa is in charge of sending all official rumors thru greektown. . . Oh yes . . . We are going to send out our rumors fast- er this week to see if we can't con- fuse ICU into thinking that we're holding solid all the way. . we ARE, of course. And. let me . . . see now Barnswish! Barnswish . . . of the Gamma Gona Ginya House will be in charge of keeping an eye out for JJ. He'll also be guarding our secret files in the Little Miss Miz- zou Shop. OK!! . . . I guess . . . that just about does it! Just one last thing: UUU needs more SPIRIT during this last week! Especially in the M-Bar! WE want ALL of you to go down to the M-Bar each and every day and act out your enthusiasm and intrigue bits. Now, the trench coats, cake donuts, secret files . . . EVERY- THING . . . will be there . . . and so, there is NO EXCUSE FOR ANY OF YOU NOT DOING YOUR PART! Now, it stands to reason that this election will be the same as those in the past. So, if you'll just par- ticipate down at the M-Bar, then the ICU slobs will see that we're out-intriguing them and will switch over to UUU where they can have more fun. So! . . . get your ferns over there tomorrow, and LET'S ALL DO OUR BEST TO SHOW A GOOD "IMAGE" TO THE I.C.U. SLOBS!! . . . Right? (Right.) . . Yeah! . (Yeah) . . The Great Orates: ADAM SPEAKS TO THE GDI'S . (Cough) . . (gulp!) . . . My Fellow Independents . . (Yukh!) . Let me say first of all . that . . I come to you today . . . not . as a Greek, . . not as an Aggie, . not as a power-hungry ADO- LESCENT, but as a sincere friend who has the True Independent In- terest at heart . . . yukh!) . . . Now, I know what you are going to say . . . I KNOW that you are going to say that I could not pos- sibly be interested in the Inde- pendents, . . . because I have . . . (gulp!) . . . Greek support . . . Well, I want to get one thing straight with you right off. I am not in this campaign (thunderous applause) . . . for personal glory . (cough). . (cough) . (cough, cough) . . (laughs) . . . Rather, I enter this campaign as one, who -like you . . . (yukh!) - is ex- tremely interested in student gov- ernment. You don't have to tell me! . . I KNOW that there are many of you here who are . . . (gasp!) . . . APATHETIC! Yes, it is true! Now, our party has spent many hours in earnest lining up Greek support, Independent support, and any oth- er students interested in student government. The fact is, that THERE WILL BE AN MSA ELEC- TION NEXT WEEK . Believe it! . . Every single year! . . . MSA holds AN ELECTION! Two years ago, in fact, MSA held an unpreci- dented TWO ELECTIONS! Now . . this ought to be enough proof to convince you skeptics that MSA DOES EXIST! . . Really! . . . Come on, believe it . . . please? . . (yukh!) Well, before I take up too much of your time, let me say a few words about our platform. The UUU Political Party promises to WORK, WORK, WORK! And, to the best of our ability . . . (cough) . we are going to accomplish all of our platform proposals . . . (cough, choke, gasp) We propose to abolish ALL Neg- ative Hours . . . (applause) . . . We will do this by inviting any inter- ested Independent to boycott the Negative Hour Days. (Guffaws.) Don't laugh! We are offering the Independents this chance to dem- onstrate what they CAN do, and to prove to you once and for all that you DO have a place in Stu- dent Government. (cheers). Secondly. At the NEXT POS- SIBLE DATE after our Party is elected, we will hold a Referen- dum in which ALL of the students at the University will have a chance to decide, once and for all, why they DON'T want in NSA . . . (no reaction) . . . After all, it's your organization and we feel that you should be the ones to decide this important Question. (Thunder- ous applause). Also, we offer any Independent the chance to petition for all sorts of MSA jobs. Special announce- ment! . . . Silence . . . Petitioning is now open for Janitorial Research in the Student Union! And I expect every one of you Independents to apply for this position right away. (Applause) . . . This is the only way for you to get into student government, you know. I can't im- press it upon you enough! You've got to get up off of your coffee pots and GET DOWN THERE AND PETITION! WE CAN'T DO IT FOR YOU. YOU'VE got to do it your- self - that's the ONLY way. (Ap- plause). I mean, if you're not go- ing to show up at the M-Bar then you're going to have to petition. That's the only other way to get into Student Government. (No re- action). . . . (cough) . . . Well, I see that my time is up. (Applause). Just let me say one more thing. There's been a lot of talk about the Inde- pendents not getting their fair share of influence in MSA . . Yeah! . . . (Yeah?) . . Yeah! . (Yukh!) . . . Let me assure you . . . (choke) . . . that UUU will give jobs to ALL students regard- less of race, creed, color, affilia- tion or inteligence. (Applause). UUU stands for YOU, YOU, and YOU! (. . . Okay! . . Olay!) . . Of course, we can't guaran- tee that your petition will be ac- cepted simply because you are an Independent. (Inquiring faces) . . but you must not be disappointed. Remember! There are other stu- dents on this campus besides Inde- pendents . . . (WE know! . . . we know! . . . ). So, keep trying! Be- cause UUU WILL help EVERY STUDENT all it can. (Applause). And remember! Show your ap- preciation to all those in UUU who have made this campaign possible. Just get out there and VOTE! (Yeh!) That's all you got to do - and thank you ALL again. You're ALL WONDERFUL! . . (Yeh!) . . you're ALL a real tribute to this wonderful UUU campaign which our people have worked so hard on . . . (Applause) . . (EXIT) . . (YUKH!) . 17 .AND VOTE U.U.U. As cute as an Alliance but- ton, like the lovely votes that falleth from the hands of "Big A" supporters into the ballot box come Tuesday - that's Al- liance's striking party image in either photo black and white or living luscious pink. Cheryl Kammermeyer is one of Donnelly Hall's strongest Alliance backers and undoubt- edly a hoped for delegate at large to every men's caucus. Prompting people to clear the aisles at Smith Cafeteria and get out to shout at rallies comes easy for this pert 5-3 education major. Cheryl was a cheerleader at her St. Louis high school. Showme seconds the motion of the Rolla Miners who chose Cheryl this year's Military Ball queen on December 1. After the ball is over, their loss may spell Alliance's vic- tory. Perhaps you've heard that both parties are almost alike. Well, half of their pinups' names are so much alike you couldn't get a sound truck's blast between them. The cheery, friendly face of Missouri Progressive is that of a sound-alike, Sheryl McCub- bins, a 5-5 Arts & Science fresh- man whose ambition is-you'd never guess in a hundred re- counts - to become a regular Showme cartoonist contribu- tor. But while at home during the summer, brown - eyed Sheryl enjoys water skiing and tennis. Taking her Tennessee Walker horse to riding shows in a 100-mile radius of her home in Cabool, Missouri, is a great way to horse around, she explains. For now at least, as the cam- paign heads into the stretch it's all work that tests Gentry Hall's candidate for the girl most likely to succeed at Miz- zou without really trying. "She's a lotta girl," sighs Adam as he eyes Shirley Tem- plemeyer, who is proud to be the U.U.U. pin-up. "I fell for her the first time I saw her." (Actually, she fell over Adam the first time she didn't see him.) Anyway, they're good friends now and working hard for U.U.U. and Showme, too. Shirley is the freshman pre- Journalism doll who holds down the president's job in Donnelly Hall. Letters from the Editors A publication of the quality, firm editorial stand, and general appeal of SHOWME is always deluged with letters from readers and mothers of readers and cler- gymen, etc. So, after our initial issue last November, we sat back and waited for the mail to start pouring in. And waited. After three weeks the first (and, as you have al- ready guessed, only) letter graced our mailbox: Dear Sirs: Congratulations and continued success on your fine-looking magazine. All of us down here at the print shop were delighted! You owe us $987.13. Sincerely, etc. Our empty mailbox caused much perplexion, mostly because we needed letters from our readers to fill up space in this issue. As our deadline drew near, it became evident that we would have to write our own versions of the letters we thought we should have received. At least one should have been slipped under our door: Editors, Showme: We have been reading your magazine on the third level for several weeks now, and can't make heads or tails of it. Yours truly, Pi Xi And one that we're sure was sent, but must have got lost in the mails: Dear Boys, What a wonderful, terrific, glorious, professional- looking magazine! We didn't understand it all, but we still think it was marvelous and have each bought five copies. Love, Your Mothers We should have received some nasties, like Editors, Showme: You must realize, of course, that your amateur attempt at publication borders upon unfair competi- tion under the system of free enterprise controlled by the University. If this continues, we shall bring disciplinary and injunctive measures against you through proper channels. Yours creatively, Midlands There is one letter that we would like to have received. Quite frankly, people, we think it's your fault that we didn't. Editors, Showme: My business has tripled since I ran an ad in your last issue! Panting, drooling consumer-students have mobbed my store every day since you published!! In your next issue I would like to run a two-page color spread instead of the two-inch square I had last time. May I pay in advance? Sweetness and Light (Continued on Page 35) Burger Chef So You're a Genius? Trouble is, nobody has no- ticed it but you, huh? Might as well face it: Your talents are as obscure as haiku, aren't they? We're here to help you. Simply follow these direc- tions: First, write a masterpiece for publication in Showme (that's the easy part.) Then, type it double space and sign your name on the top, bottom, or side of the manuscript. If you sign it legibly (we don't want to crimp your creativity) you might get stuck on the staff list. The last step is to find a track jock and con him into running your goodies up to room 302 Read Hall. Showme will gladly re- ceive your stories, cartoons, poetry, ideas, due bills or large quantities of trading stamps. Since you're a genius. Pucketts Burger Chef "Ancient Art and Archaeology. What's yours?" "Date much?" PLA-BOY DRIVE-IN Town & Country Any Way You Look At It It's Oligopoly Any Way You ook At It It's Oligopoly Uncle Sam Wants You Petition Now "Shucks, I thought he was a engineer 'til after I run 'im plum through with my pitchfork. Then I found out he was just a beatnik." Dear Mom and Dad, Golly, it is exciting here at the University right now because the student elections are coming up next week sometime. A lot of it is even over my head but I think I can tell you something about how it is. The University has a Red Campus and a White Campus which now divide the two political parties and neither will make a treaty with the other. The first party is the Voluntary Organization of Pedagogically Oriented Students, abbreviated VOPOS. Last week they set up barbed wire cutting the campus in two. Before this, the students could enter any sector of the campus. But so many of the people on the Red Campus left there to live on the White Campus that the VOPOS were losing too many votes. So, Mom, they built a wall! The other political party was alarmed. They formed the "CL" Party (short for Certain Letters censored by the Board) as a stop-gap measure. After negotiations it was decided two check-points would be kept open for students wishing to enter either sector. I have classes on both sides of the wall. When going into the Red Sector, I am supposed to use the Missouri Book Store Check-Point controlled by theVOPOS. When I come back to the White Sector I am supposed to use the Library Check Point. The "CL" 's control this check point, and they make me open my briefcase to see if I am carrying any guns or atomic weapons or anything. (Believe me, it's embarrassing at times). Anyway, some students want to get the Campus back together again. The "CL's" seem to support this idea, since their half of the campus lies inside Red territory. Every day they rush their support up to the White Campus using their only access route, which is called the Mall. One of these pro-union students told me that Campus Politicians were just a bunch of nurds. That kind of worried me, so I talked to one of the VOPOS Senators. He told me (and of course this is confidential and you shouldn't tell anyone) that student government was really a farce and that they (the Senators that is) couldn't do anything unless the Administration also wanted to do it. I don't know why he wanted to keep it such a big secret and all for. I mean everybody really knows it's true and all. But with everybody running round and looking at the Wall and going through check points and get- ting frisked in the Library, maybe they don't know it. I mean, you'd think that if the students knew it was a farce they'd quit fighting among themselves and start trying to get the Red and White Campii (that's U. talk, Mom) united again into one Campus. And then, maybe, the students could run their own campus through their own government. And, gee! Then student government would be for real. I really believe it, Mom, so that's why I've accepted the important job of Assistant Errand Boy of Decoded Wire Taps for the "CL" 's. It's a lot of work, Mom, but it really is important. And that's why my grades were pretty bad first semester. Love 66464 Frank Weltner 31 Gorg! Hey, GORG! Just like I said, Gorg They mode me a big political gun. You should have come, too, Gorg, Baby. Bow down to Irving, Junior Assistant Coordinator of Credentials for south group Undergraduate Ferns Did you hear that Gorg? Is that unreal? They gave me 93 luscious girls or my committee, Gorg. Wow Yuk. Urk Wurzle. Igglspfzz! ..and the hairiest title in the party. So hairy it's unreal, Gorg. I'm really a big man on campus now Gorg. Contributor's Page PAUL HIRTH Perhaps the greatest testimonial to the genius of Paul Hirth and Jerry Goe, SHOWME's master ma- hatmas, is the fact that despite the current vogue enjoyed by theatre of the absurd, Ashes in a Pajama Pocket, our subject's two-year old masterpiece, is still regarded by percipients to be the greatest non sequitur drama ever written. Individually, Hirth has created Toothpaste on Toast, certainly his- tory's only play one-eighth of a scene long which is embellished by two production numbers, while Goe is the author of Untitled, the definitive study of eight pieces of bread. Sadly, America's primitive cul- ture has not yet sought to embrace the literary revolution wrought by the forementioned works. Toothpaste alone has been pub- lished and that can be found in the recent issue of MAJOR CRISIS, our subject's own think magazine which, in the opinion of campus intellectuals, appears far too sel- dom, indeed. So it is a good thing for all of us that Goe and Hirth cheerfully condescend to the grasps of the masses and appear regularly in the pages of SHOWME. 34 ELAINE ALBERTER Readers may remember this mul- ti-talented pair from their exciting performances in Best Side Story. of late great Savitar Frolic glory. Goe's dynamic portrayal of Fris- bee, the Grade-Point Greek was but narrowly overlooked in the best actor judging, while Hirth's mas- terful interpretation of David Ben Garyindiana rightly earned him a bid from a Jewish fraternity. Good sports both, Hirth and Goe frequently put aside their esoteric pursuits to humor their instructors with classroom appearances, Hirth most recently in the Department of English, Goe in his chemistry courses. But home is an undescribably decorated room on the top floor of Major House (which Goe governs). Would-be followers are encuraged to pilgrimage there. Others will have to be satisfied with their frequent SHOWME vis- its. And perhaps, for most of us, this diluted communication is real- ly for the best. For weeks - we've been trying to reach Elaine Alberter! You know, the beautiful, some- times blonde who is the business JERRY GOE end of Showme. We can never get her on the phone because as ChiO social chairman she keeps every line in the house busy. Of course, most of the time she isn't even there. Besides collecting Showme bills (which are always overdue because they're collectable the first of the month before) Elaine assistant managing edits Maneater, rounds out the Produc- tion board - of Bye Bye Birdie, and dabbles in AWS, MSA and Savitar. In her spare time the girl who made Edwardsville Ill. by leaving it to come to Mizzou checks into J-School and pounds the Stephens College beat for The Missourian. Weekends, she works as a nurse's aid on the sixth floor of the Medi- cal Center in Surgery and gyne- cology (gynecology is somethin' else). So, if you happen to be the nurse she's aiding, or sit next to her in typography, or spot her at some kind of meeting (which is inevit- able) please tell her to drop by the Showme office sometime. The last time we saw her she borrowed our ID's and without it we can't attend our own staff meetings. LETTERS FROM THE EDITORS (Continued from Page 25) We even thought we might get a few pleasant surprises, such as: Editors, Showme: My husband is an intelligent, hard-working man with a good job. He used to be very considerate, tak- ing me out to dinner at least once a week. For the last two months he has done nothing after work ex- cept read and reread your magazine, guffawing so loudly that the children were forced to turn the TV up to full volume. We never go anywhere any more. (Personally, I didn't like anything about Showme ex- cept the coloring book section.) The problem is, what can I do? Ann Landers Editorial pressure is brought to bear by letters from political camps. Editors, Showme: We understand that your next issue will be of a political nature. We have pooled resources, and demand equal space. Brunson Hollingsworth and Bishop Tomlinson Finally, the one we're still expecting: Collectively, you're banned. Individually, you're expelled. Congratulations on a fine issue! The Board The lean, hard cowboy was nearing the edge of his sprawling ranch. He rode up to the far fence, then stopped, a puzzled look flickering on his face. The fence had been cut. The cowboy rode on and crossed the crest of a small knob. Suddenly his horse whinnied and halted. All the farmer's cattle lay dead in the pasture. The cowboy shook his head and rode on. Somewhat concerned, the cowboy continued. Then he saw her - his little daughter, his only child, lying face down in the grass. Up ahead, smoke curled over the horizon. Horrified, the cowboy spurred his horse and gal- loped onward. His fears were quickly justified. His ranch house was in ashes, and running panickly to- ward him was the pathetic figure of his once-beauti- ful wife, her frame now a pestilence of burns. The wife fell at the cowboy's feet. "It was the man in the black leather . . . " she whispered and pitched over, dead. The cowboy turned white and rigid and headed out for town. Up to the saloon he rode, and then through the swinging doors into the harsh, smoky room. He strode up to the bartender. "I'm looking for the man in the black leather," he said. The bartender said nothing, just pointed to the round table in the far corner. The cowboy turned on his heels and moved quietly over. He spotted his man easily and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt. "Are you the man who cut my fence and killed my cattle, and murdered my daughter and burned down my house and killed my wife," the cowboy shouted. "That's right," the man in the black leather said. "Well, you watch that stuff." Where Do You Draw the Line? WE BELIEVE you draw the line with some common sense. We believe the president of General Motors should have sold some cars before taking office. WE BELIEVE in the dignity of the individ- ual. We believe charges of "sellouts" and "deals" can serve only to destroy the pres- tige of the University before the state and its state legislature. WE BELIEVE you will choose a new party of intelligence, of sincerity - one that's really interested in what's happening to student politics now and in the future. DRAW X STRENGTH WITH M.P. TUESDAY NoDoz Salem Cigarettes