Showme May, 1957Showme May, 195720081957/05image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195705Showme May, 1957; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1957
All blank pages have been eliminated.
May. 1957 $00.25
Hot Damn- Ozarks
MERCURY RECORDING STARS
AL BELLETTO SEXTET
CAPITOL RECORDING ARTISTS
TWO SHOWS - 7:30 and 9:30
March 20, 1957
Dear Nanci (My Pet) and Skip:
Although my landlady dislikes
SHOWME because "it's childish", I
despise it because it refuses con-
tinually to publish my stuff.
As a member of the working
press, I feel my literature is more
acceptable to the discriminating
than the third-class chit-chat you
insist on printing.
Other comments at my office,
(Springfield State Journal) fol-
Society Editor-"Pure drivel."
Managing Editor-Just curled
his lip and snarled.
Publisher-"A violation of the
Freedom of the Press."
Janitor-"Pages are too stiff."
If you fail to print my letter,
I'll see that you're all flunked
in H & P and Copy II.
From one who made it,
1516 Whittier Ave.,
You should be flunked in Copy
II for saying "Ex-Stephens" in-
stead of "Former Stephens".
Now that we've published your
stuff you shouldn't despise us. If
you met us again you'd find we're
simply lovable folks. In fact, your
Pet loves ANY man.
Pet and beloved Skip
March 16, 1957
Please begin a SHOWME sub-
scription for Dr. C. V. Bailey,
Jr., 27 University Trailer Park,
Austin 3, Texas.
Tell us when the sub is up, so
that I may renew it?
It's up this month. Please send
$500 for renewal care of
Skip and Nanci
March 11, 1957
We are sending you TRUMP, the
new humor magazine. We would
like to continue each new issue
and in turn we would like to be
included on your subscription
We are asking because we
have more than a passing inter-
est in college humor magazines.
TRUMP is a young fast-growing
publication and we are naturally
on the alert for new talent. We
hope to be able in the future to
add new ability and skill to our
staff from the staffs of college
Very truly yours,
232 E. Ohio St.,
Dear Mr. Chester:
We've had our bags packed
ever since we heard you bought
off the editors of MAD and put
them into a new income bracket.
Take us away from all this pov-
erty and give us four-color cov-
17 New Talents
(Loaded with Original
Tricks - Will Travel)
March 25, 1957
As a member of the Class of
'56, I have always been intrigued
by the "gems of wisdom" pub-
lished in SHOWME. Now, that I
am in Washington, D.C., I would
delight in reading a copy.
221 Gibbon St., Apt. 2
When you send us some money
we'd be glad to go on intrigu-
ing you. Don't you people in
Washington have any concern for
Nanci, Skip and Aga Khan
March 25, 1957
Joe Van Trump, Photo Editor
SHOWME is a fine publication
and after reading it, I can see
why it is such a popular item.
It must have been a tough de-
cision in voting for the six queen
finalists, but I'm inclined to go
along with it. Tell both Ann and
Katie that I said so. We heard
you on Harry Fender's Show and
you all sounded like natural ra-
I'm sending a couple of our
latest records. Our next release,
due about May 1, is "Lonely
Man" b/w "The Happy One".
The good "ole" Escorts are
proud to appear in good "ole"
Dear Good "Ole" Escorts:
We hope KFRU and KBIA
take the tip and give the record-
ings a spin. We heard you and
are sure you're heading up to the
top. Send a couple samplers to
the two above stations here in
Columbia. They hardly ever dig
out anything except what's pre-
sented to them on a platter!
If you ever get down to Ste-
phens College, don't ever com-
pliment us there. We'll lose cir-
culation! Every time some offi-
cial rakes us, but good, our sales
April 1, 1957
I recently received an issue of
SHOWME from a friend and it was
sure good to see that "feelthy"
magazine again. It sure shortened
the distance between Mizzou and
Mainz, Germany. Send me issues
from February through June . .
and bill me.
Lt. Jasper D. Crane
78th AFA Bn., Btry C,
APO 185, N.Y., N.Y.
What sinful friends you have!
But mercy man! Don't say SHOW-
ME shortens the distance between
a guy and M.U. A lotta seniors
are around who wanta put a'
much distance between as pos-
sible . . . but we still want their
subscriptions next year.
Your Long-Distance Buddies
March 25, 1957
Subject: General Bull
Writing a letter to the editor
(editors) of SHOWME has been
something that I have meant to
do for a long time. This all prob-
ably sounds pretty corny, but
it's true just the same. I think
you have a pretty fair publica-
tion. Every month I don't rush
right down to purchase my copy,
catch on? There's only one com-
plaint, the fact that by the time
the local bookstore receives their
allotment, they are almost a
Was just wondering where the
holdup was. We hard-studying
sons of old St. Pat do enjoy read-
ing some good stuff once in a
You mentioned something in
the editors' column about an ov-
er-abundance of queens. Just in
case you decide that you could
spare a few for a good cause, just
direct them to the address below.
Joe R. Aid
411 E. 11th St.,
Month old! No wonder you
don't rush right down. Probably
held up at the customs office.
Man, there are so many queens
around here we hear there's a
hunt for a girl rumored not to
have been one. And when they
trace her down she's going to be
crowned queen at the Unqueen
Queen Nanci and Plain Skip
March 25, 1957
Send all of this year's back
copies and continue all through
next year. I would appreciate it.
1st Lt. Joseph Kelso
HQ. Sqdn., Sec. 20, FB Wg.
APO 120, NY, N.Y.
Some are hard to come by
now. You're set up for next
year's issues but as for this year
wouldn't you rather take ad-
vantage of our special back issue
gift package of 350 December is-
sues for only $3? It needn't cost
YOU a cent . . . you're finance
officer. For an even bigger bar-
gain, contact MANEATER.
March 25, 1957
Please send to Mr. and Mrs.
Ronnie Melton, Trailer 12, MCB,
29 Palms, California, as many
SHOWME as this money ($2) will
buy. Enjoy your magazine so
Kansas City, Mo.
Different issues? Plain pack-
March 22, 1957
How was the safari (February
Shooting Gallery)? And how -
Ummmm, and I was saying - a
comment on your March column.
(The word preceding the first
bracket is loosely termed.)
Your verbal attack on the "She-
phens Armor" sent me shaking
in my tennies. First with rage
and then with laughter. It was
P.S. And that friend who found
the crack in the Stephens
armor. He should check his
own armor - he might find
Dear A Susie,
Safari. What safari? I've used
a lot of words at one time or an-
other, some socially and others
less so, but safari? No. This word
and the mention of having the
shakes (a rare East African di-
sease) leads me to believe that
perhaps this was written by a
Ubangi exchange student. This
is born out by the signautre, but
perhaps she is only operating on
the old Stephens theory that
there's safety in anonymity.
As to the friend with the crack
in the Stephens armor, he be-
lieves as I do -that the best de-
fense is a good offense. On the
other, if our shaking Susie feels
insecure looking after her per-
sonal armor, we'll be glad to help
. .Any night . . .
A small boy was hurrying to
school, and as he hurried, he
prayed, "Dear God, dont' let me
be late. Please don't let me be
late." Suddenly he stumbled and
fell. Picking himself up he ex-
plained, "You don't have to
TIGER LAUNDRY & CLEANERS
Well, well, well - the MAN-
EATER is finally dumping Kirch-
off! But unlike most SHOWME ed-
itors, he's picking up his degree
before his editorial Waterloo.
THIS IS Journalism Week -
the time when the seats in Neff
Aud are harder than at any other
time of year. Spending six hours
a day in a room formerly occu-
pied only for H & P and Ad Prin
lectures, you memorize every
crack in the ceiling and every
scratch in the podium. Then
bitch healthily when an old alum
gets carried away with journal-
istic fervor and you miss your
And you never in your life
watched so many plaques award-
ed, heard so many speeches or
met so many members of "the
working press." Fortunately a
WE'VE COVERED the Ozarks
on other pages of the magazines,
so all you have to do is pick
your route on our map, choose
your spot, and have a wicked go
at it. Hot Damn! Head for the
few of them do work and those
are the people we love to hear
more of. It's encouraging to
think that someday you too will
get paid for doing what you pay
to do now.
And everyone threatens to
bring pillows and no one ever
does and the Tastee-Freeze nev-
er had so much business and
spring blows in the window and
it's such a nice day to go to the
Ozarks. And here you are.
So it is to all suffering jour-
nalism students that we dedicate
this Ozark issue of SHOWME.
. And when you read it dur-
ing this morning's session, please
be unobtrusive about it. The
speaker for the day may not be
as unobservant as Mr. Jones.
As long as we're on this jour-
nalistic kick, we might as well
mention that WALTER WIL-
LIAMS WAS A MIDGET! This
theory, propounded by Swami's
Spiritual Advisor and Ray of
Sunshine, Margi Foster, can be
proven empirically. Just try to
get a drink at the water foun-
tains in W. W. Hall!
VOLUME 33 MAY, 1957 NUMBER EIGHT
Skip Troelstrup Nanci Schelker
Joe Van Trump
J. J. Aasen
PLAN THAT OZARK WINGDING! -------- 15
OL' JOHN AIN'T GOT ULCERS ---------------- 24
THE JOURNALISTS' CREED ------------------- 31
DERE MAW --------------- ----- 35
VARIATION ON A MOOD ------------------ 43
THAT THERE CITY GIRL ------------------- 46
In Paris, it's frankness,
In the New Yorker, it's life,
In a professor, it's clever:
But in Showme,
SHOWME is published nine times during the college year by the students of the University of
Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall. Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will
not be returned unless accompanied by self-addressed, stmped envelope. Advertising rates
furnished on request. National Advertising Representatives: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 East 42nd
St., New York City. Printers: Modem Lithe-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single
copy; subscriptions by mail, $3.00. Editors' phone numbers: GI. 3-4053 or GI. 2-9855.
If school life is making you feel like
A mouldy, run-down desert rat
And you'd rather be snappin' 'n jumpin'
Then the Ozark's the place for you, Cat
Around The Columns
May . . . the beer-drinking month . . . everybody who has saved up their cuts
has a field day . . everybody who hasn't saved up their cuts has a field day .
warm weather (finally) . . . blasts at the drive-in movies . . . Bermuda shorts . . .
Gawd! . . . Spring Formals . . more dogs than usual on the campus . . . some with
four legs for a change . . .edging into summer . . . hot days, warm nights . . .
kill the dirty bums . go go go go crazy where IS MY BUG YOU SNEAKS!! ho
ho ho . . &%%ffi oho ohohohhho . . how . . . how, white man. ugh grunt, how.
like this. once upon a time there was a little girl named hester boxcar and she
had bad breath and a wart on her left hand she was nice and had a red tricy-
kal and one day she upped and smashed her grandmother's head with it (the tri-
cykal) what brass, and stuck her in the furnace, all this for extra-curricular school
work she got 12 points and a gold star for it. the little sneak. SHE HAD HER
NERVE. spring has come to the small animals and fish. May. the month.
NOT TOO LONG AGO the
city slapped a fine on a student
for running a stop light that
wasn't working. Evidently, ac-
cording to the city's interpreta-
tion, you must obey a stop light
even though the stop light doesn't
give you anything to obey.
See, when a driver sails up to
the non-working light, he stops
and trys to figure out whether
the colorless sign is red or green.
Of course it isn't either one, but
the driver is anxious to obey the
Therefore, the driver just sits
there and waits, hoping that the
sign will do something. Natural-
ly, traffic is piling up behind
him. Horns are tooting, drivers
are screaming, tempers are boil-
ing, children are laughing, dogs
are barking and elderly women
are breaking their hips at a rap-
id pace. Warishell.
The driver can do one of two
things. He can pray that the light
is supposed to be green and
drive off - in which case the
gendarmes around the corner
will track him down for running
a major stop street, careless and
reckless driving, attempted mur-
der, grand larceny, carrying a
concealed weapon, mental illness,
breathing and Being Alive. Or,
he can just sit there and be ar-
rested for all the above charges
plus obstructing traffic, speed-
ing, inciting a riot, arseny and
Being a Youth. (Them Youths
got two strikes against 'em to
begin with. Never admit you're
However, there is a third al-
ternative. The driver can take
out his silver-plated Magnum
400 and blow his brains out. But
that would probably come under
the heading of defacing the
SPEAKING of traffic and stop
signs and gendrames and like that,
here is another item. You been
noticing these "Yield" signs they
got now? I'm sure you have.
They're distracting as hell.
You're driving along very con-
tented and allofasudden you're
shocked out of your wits by this
big yeller jobber that says
YIELD. Wild. First time I saw
one I didn't know whether to
climb under the floorboard and
quote scripture or boil water.
YIELD. Hell, I don't know. I
mean what if two cars are com-
ing at once. Which one yields
first? Or do they both yield. This
could start a whole new eti-
quette. Casual wear for daytime
yielding and tails for evening.
Never yield with your mouth
full. He yielded with his boots
on. This could go on forever.
But here's a helpful hint. I
looked it up and "yield" is an
old Latin word the root of which
originally meant "accelerate."
To take it from there.
ANDY'S CORNER, where
amazing things happen with re-
markable frequency, has been a
longtime champion of the com-
mon dog. They feed two or three
regularly, and several dozen
more go about the varied busi-
ness of being a dog with the Cor-
ner as their base of operations.
However, in order to display
their lack of prejudice - or to
get rid of some rats - the good
people recently adopted another
member of the animal world. A
Cat. A female cat. At first, no
one really gave a damn whether
it was gentleman cat or a lady
cat, but soon the suspicion be-
gan to grow that if it wasn't
a lady cat then it must be hav-
ing some of the most amazing
gastric disorders on record.
A few weeks ago all doubts
vanished. Mrs. Cat - with one
of the bartenders acting as mid-
wife - deposited five (5 count
'em 5) small cats in an empty
Falstaff case. Mother and child-
ren are doing fine, thank you,
and the Tri-Delts have got dibs
on the yellow one.
HAVE YOU ever considered
the advantages of indistinguish-
able twins marrying indistin-
WELL NOW. We haven't look-
ed in on 01' Small Orphant An-
nie in a long time, have we? You
may remember that in the last
adventure of hers that I interpre-
ted for you she was about to
have one of her arms broken by
Ma Licious' nasty old cook.
I don't rightly recall just which
arm this cook was interested in
breaking, but I'll just wager that
she missed out on the fun alto-
gether. Nobody breaks Orphant
Annie's arms. Her legs, maybe,
but not her arms. See, if . . .
well, anyway, this last adventure
was several months ago, and no
telling what's been going on since
then. What with all this bone
breakage 01' Orphant may be a
quadruple amputee by this time.
But no matter. We'll give it a
whirl and see what we can make
Here we are. Page 3. Now. In
the first picture Small Orphant
is standing in the doorway, look-
ing down at some ripped-up wires
coming out of the wall. Behind
her a couch is turned over, and
on the wall above the ripped-up
wires a picture is hanging crook-
ed. Looks like dirty work's afoot.
Or perhaps they're just spring
cleaning. Anyway, this big bal-
loon affair is coming out of Small
Orphants' head and it says:
"Phone in here is ripped out . .
Gotta call th' police . . . There's
a phone in the kitchen . . ."
There you are. I was right -
dirty work is afoot. Still, that's
not much to go on, so we better
continue and see if we can fig-
ger out who the culprits are.
You'll notice I call them culprits.
Dr. Craig calls them protagon-
ists, so you can do what you
want. I mean I just sort of go
for culprits, myself, but, . . . .
crooks might do. Or thugs. Well,
take your choice.
In the next picture 01' Or-
phant is going down this dark
hallway, on the way to the kit-
chen, I'd imagine, but all of a
sudden she sees these men with
guns in their hands and she
ducks back in a doorway just in
the nick of time. She's pretty
scared, because she's got her
eyes wide open and her hair is
sort of sticking up . . . but come
to think of it, her eyes are al-
ways wide open, so . . . well,
she's scared, anyhow. We'll leave
it at that. Another big balloon
is coming up and it says: "E-e-e
. .those guys! Th' gang "Dad-
dy" died tryin' to get away from
. .Th' ones who tried t' kill
Well now. I guess the picture
is pretty clear now, buster. I'd
think. This "Daddy" person she's
talking about is ol' Daddy War-
monger, who is the richest man
in the world and looks like Pres-
ident Eisenhower (These last
two facts are not necessarily con-
nected) and who is evidently de-
In the next picture, it appears
that these men with guns (there
are 3 of 'em) have heard some
noise made by Small Orphant,
because they are peering down
the dark hallway and brandish-
ing their weapons. There are
three balloons coming up now-
one for each man - they say,
respectfully: "What was that? It
scurried!"; "Bah! Mice . . . Rats
Who cares?"; "He was hit . . He
bled . . . He could not go far."
Awright. The 'scurried' bit re-
fers to Small O, who is just nat-
urally the scurrying type, you
know, but this other fellow don't
think so. He thinks it's rodents.
The third guy isn't even paying
attention. He seems very determ-
ined to finish off this 'He', who
was hit, is bleeding, and who
could not go far. This 'He' could
be a rodent, but I don't think so.
Hummmmmm. I don't know.
Anyhow, I'll say one thing
right here. Those three guys are
the Culprits, that's what, and I'll
dare anybody to disprove it.
IN THE APRIL issue of Pag-
eant, there are a collection of
children's essays put together by
H. Allen Smith. Here is one of
the more ridiculous ones.
I WORSHIP YOU
The weeds moved slightly. An
Indian crept along cruching clos-
er and closer to the recked plane.
All of a sudden he turned around
and beconed to someone. A whole
groope of Indians then appered
waving their spears wildily. What
this Golden bird that come out
of sky? him say. The leader said
to cut of metel. make plenty
good spear heads. Just then a
tribes man gave a scream. look
in the rocks he cried pointing
to a hollow place near the plane.
Their in it was a small girl. Mabe
she a god and is to curse our
tribe for taking her great golden
bird he exclaimed."
Mabe. We'll never know.
THE BIRDS START singing
at 5 a.m. Every morning - 5 a.
I know a guy who eats raisin
sandwiches. That's right - rai-
sin sandwiches. Let me tell you
about it. Last month this friend
of mine who's in the Air Force
got a two-week leave, and since
I usually get out of class at
about 1 or 2 in the afternoon,
on this particular day I decided
to drive over and see this guy
and find out how Uncle Sam
was treating him and all that
garbage. After he let me in the
door we exchanged pleasantries
and he informed me that he was
eating lunch and watching TV,
but that he would be finished
soon, and that at that time we
would adjourn to further fields
and see how the beer was hold-
This rather enjoyable decision
having been reached, we sat
down in front of the TV set, he
to watch Tennessee Ernie and
finish his lunch, and me to watch
Tennessee Ernie and smoke a
I noticed he had these four
enormous sandwiches which he
was washing down with milk,
and as the prospect of a little
er didn't seem entirely unlikely,
I began wondering just what
them sandwiches had been built
out of. I figgered that even though
this friend of mine isn't particu-
larly known for unreasonable
displays of generosity, there was
at least a 8 to 5 chance that I
might be offered to help devour
a sandwich or two, and I wanted
to know what I was getting into
before hand. So I wouldn't have
to backtrack, you know.
Well, I studied them sand-
wiches from all angles, but I
couldn't make heads or tails out
of them. They looked like sar-
dines one second and dried beef
the next, but that's all I could
figger, and the more I studied,
the more them sandwiches were
disappearing. By this time I was
getting all into a sweat for a
sandwich, and had decided not
to leave without one, and as my
chances of getting one were
dropping fast, I decided to plunge
"Hay Leonard," says I, "what's
in them sambitches?"
"Huh?" He was concentrating
on one of Tennessee's soap com-
"Them sambitches. What they
made out of?"
"Hummmmm . . . oh. Raisins."
"No-no, dammit - them sam-
bitches. What's in 'em?"
"Raisins. Whatsa matter. You
"Oh hell, Leonard, cut it out.
I just want to know whats-"
"Here - look for yourself."
He shoved one at me.
And by Gosh, them sand-
wiches were made out of raisins.
Raisins yet. At first I was just
stunned, then I started laughing
like a madman. I rolled around
on the floor holding my gut and
beating on the furniture. Raisins.
I like to died. And every time I
started to run down, I'd take a
look at this hurt expression on
ol' Leonard's face, and off I'd go
again. I must have laughed for
After I finally got quieted
down, I got to thinking that in
my time I had heard of and eat-
en some amazing sandwiches, but
never in my life had I run across
anybody who made them out of
Leonard explained in a very
dignified tone that raisin sand-
wiches were very time-saving
and nutritious, and that he ate
them all the time. At his urging,
I finally tried one, and you know,
it didn't taste too bad. Sort of
different, but not bad at all.
I'll tell you one thing though.
The damn beer sure tasted
strange that afternoon.
That does it. Adios you mothaff
The Ozark Jubilee network
television program didn't begin
in the Ozarks at all. Instead, it
took to the air for the first time
over ABC-TV from right here in
In December, 1954, when the
show's producers, Crossroads
TV Productions of Springfield,
got the green light from New
York network officials to ready
their Country Music program for
the national viewing audience, it
was discovered that nearly four
months would be required for the
construction of microwave link-
age between the Ozark city and
existing network lines, and ABC
had specified that the show
should have its first telecast just
four weeks later.
So, with a convoy of cars,
trucks and chartered buses, the
cast and crew of Ozark Jubilee
journeyed out of the hills each
Saturday and all the way to the
studios of KOMU-TV for the first
15 weeks of the program's history.
The Springfieldians would leave
their homes at five o'clock Sat-
urday morning and usually not
return until the wee small hours
of Sunday: a rough way to spend
a weekend, it's true, figuring
that they did nearly 12 hours of
traveling and eight hours of re-
hearsal - but their efforts gave
birth to what is today one of tel-
evision's most popular programs.
Ozark Jubilee's audience is
currently estimated at 20 million,
and the show is seen on 118 sta-
tions. The Armed Forces uses
films of the program to entertain
In the past 12 months alone,
80,000 persons came from outside
Missouri to see the Jubilee in
person at Springfield's Jewell
theatre, making the program one
of the Show-Me state's greatest
tourist attractions. Fan mail av-
erages 5,000 letters a week, with
Pennsylvania ranking first, Ohio
second, California third and Mis-
In show business circles, Ozark
Jubilee has become widely ac-
cepted as the proving ground for
tomorrow's stars. Sonny James,
who emceed his own monthly
half-hour portion of the show for
nearly a year, recently became
ABC Television Network
Originating in Springfield, Mo.
the entertainment world's newest
sensation, selling over two mil-
lion records of "Young Love."
And Brenda Lee, the 12-year-old
Georgia peach who was discov-
ered by the Jubilee's Red Foley,
is the most talked about new
child performer since Judy Gar-
land. Brenda, who makes her
home in Springfield and appears
regularly on Ozark Jubilee, trav-
els thousands of miles each month
on personal appearances and fre-
quently guests on the Perry Como
and Steve Allen programs. Jim
Lowe, the Springfield physician's
son and MU alumnus who gained
great popularity in recent months,
premiered his song, "The Green
Door," on the Jubilee, and both
Betty Johnson and Patsy Cline
introduced their soon-to-be hits,
"I Dreamed" and "Walking Af-
ter Midnight," in front of the
ABC-TV cameras in Springfield.
As for Red Foley, he ranks
in fame and prestige with Cros-
by and Como; his record sales
have now exceeded 27,000,000
copies. And Foley has found the
same kind of warm friendliness
in the people of the Ozarks that
he knew as a boy in his home
state of Kentucky.
Undoubtedly, the Ozarks can
well be proud of the television
program that carries its name to
the world. Its colorful dancing,
light-and-lively music and home-
spun comedy are an All-Ameri-
Ozark Reptile Gardens
Stuckey's Candy Shoppe
Plan That Ozark Wingding!
The "Dragon of the Ozarks", the natives' pet
name for the giant Lake of the Ozarks, is only
one of hundreds of vacation-student-weekend at-
The surrounding country is a part of the vast
territory known as the foothills of the Ozark
Mountains and has a very rugged and rolling
The Lake area is versatile and comparatively
low-priced (suitable for student pocketbooks) and
offers everything from boating and fishing to
scenery and historic spots of interest.
This vast man-made playground area was
brought about by the construction of a private
power dam on the Osage River in 1930. This great
lake, one hundred twenty-nine miles long with
1300 miles of shoreline and a surface area of 64,000
acres, has developed into a major vacation center.
The valley now covered by the Lake of the Ozarks
was once the home and hunting ground of the
mighty Osage Indians. Even today along the many
feeder streams one can still see traces of their
burial mounds and rock cairns. Prior to the inun-
dation of the valley several of the bluffs bore col-
ored pictographs depicting events of tribal signifi-
cance. Even as late as 1928 some of the descen-
dants of these tribes made annual pilgrimages to
the land of their forefathers to hold ceremonial
pow-wows beneath the towering limestone bluffs.
Blessed with a long vacation season which be-
gins with the opening of the fishing season on
March 15 and ends with the closing of the quail
season on January 1, the Lake of the Ozarks is
enjoyed by many who find it impossible to take
their vacation during June, July and August.
Even before the leaves appear on the trees
and the first spring flowers have just made their
appearance, a steady flow of transcontinental trav-
elers drop in for a day or two stopover. Because
of its location, people returning to the northeast-
ern states from a winter vacation in the great
southwest find a few days of rest enroute enjoy-
Then, in late March and through April, the
highways are clogged on weekends with nature
lovers making their annual pilgrimage through
the Ozarks during the redbud and dogwood sea-
son. Again in the Fall, the nature lovers return
for a drive through the wooded hills during the
"Flaming Fall Review" of color which occurs dur-
The tortuous shoreline and innumerable coves
make it possible for thousands of visitors to be
on the lake and still enjoy a high degree of pri-
vacy. The valleys which heretofore confined the
meandering Osage River now curb the lapping
waves of the lake, and offer sheltering solace to
the timid or uncertain water enthusiast. In con-
trast to its narrow width, which offers a high meas-
ure of safety and makes it suitable for youth group
camps, the more adventurous can find all that
their hearts desire in the one hundred twenty-nine
mile length, with a different vista and new point
of scenic beauty around each of the many bends.
Although the country surrounding the Lake
of the Ozarks is sparsely populated, this territory
is readily accessible from all parts of the state
by means of the State Highway system as shown
on the map.
Important to all travelers is the subject of
food. In the Lake region the favorite Missouri
dishes of country-cured ham, cornbread, fried
chicken, frog legs and catfish predominate. For
the traveler who wishes, "city vittals" are avail-
To keep pace with the times, landing strips
have been developed around the lake for the fly-
"Students and tourists, your accommodations
are available and waiting . . . so, pack your 'gear'
. .and join us here . . . in Missouri, where the
'latch-string' is always out."
BAGNELL DAM AREA
Bagnell Dam is located on U.S. Highway 54, 42
miles southwest of Jefferson City, capital of Missouri.
This is the starting point of the great Lake of the
Ozarks, where the dam was constructed to hold back
the Osage river and its tributaries, and is also the
location of one of the many great vacation areas
around the lake.
This area is readily accessible to all, over good
highways, in privately owned automobiles, by pri-
vate airplanes or via bus lines with regular sched-
ules from Columbia.
No matter what type of accommodations may be
desired they can be found in this area. Modest fish-
ing cottages, beautifully, scenically located, modern
housekeeping cottage resorts, excellent motels or mo-
tor courts or American plan hotel accommodations
are available at moderate rates. A choice of location
on the lake, on the highway or both on the highway
and lake is a matter of your choosing.
Excellent restaurants, offering full menus, serve
delicious foods and fine stores of all types, groceries,
markets, sporting good stores, service stations, gift
shops and others are here to serve your needs.
Vacation activities in this area are many and
varied. Both main lake and river fishing, below the
dam are offered. Scenic airplane rides, speed boat
trips, cruiser trips and lake excursion trips are sched-
uled daily. Row boats and outboard motor boats may
be rented. Horseback riding, tennis, golf, swimming,
surf boarding, water skiing and. all types of land and
aquatic sports may be enjoyed.
Famed Lake of the Ozarks
ALL PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE OZARK AREAS WITHIN THIS IS-
SUE WERE TAKEN BY GERALD MASSIE AND ALL TEXT MATER-
IAL HAS BEEN FURNISHED BY LESLIE KENNON, MISSOURI DIV-
ISION OF RESOURCES AND DEVELOPMENT, JEFFERSON CITY,
MO. SHOWME IS INDEBTED TO THEM FOR THEIR SINCERE COOP-
ERATION IN PRODUCING THIS ISSUE.
OSAGE BEACH-GRAND GLAIZE AREA
The Osage Beach-Grand Glaize Area is located on U.S. Highway 54, six miles southwest of Bag-
nell Dam. Within this district the Grand Glaize Arm of the Lake joins with the main Osage body cre-
ating a picturesque, scenic part of the great Lake of the Ozarks country.
This community, referred to by its residents as the Heart of the Vacation Area, offers a wide
range of facilities for the vacationist. Many modern cottage resorts are located on the lake, a short
distance from the highway and easily reached on good all weather lake roads.
Fine restaurants are located throughout the dis rict and in addition there are grocery stores, mar-
kets, gift shops and other stores for your convenience. A drive-in theater, for your evening pleasure,
is located within this district. This area is also the home of Radio Station KRMS "your Lake of the
Vacation activities are many and varied. Restful vacations amid nature's scenic splendor to
vacations for the most active sports enthusiasts are offered. Speed boat trips, cruiser trips, scenic air-
plane rides and excursions are scheduled daily. Many of the resorts have docks with boats and mo-
tors available. All types of land and aquatic sports are available. Surf boarding, water skiing, boating,
horseback riding and others plus two excellent golf courses within a few miles drive. There are fishing
services with guide service available. Fishing in this area varies from stream fishing in the upper
Glaize, to fishing in the many coves and inlets in the main Glaize and in the main lake. The Cham-
ber of Commerce provides marked crappie beds for public use of all guests in the section. Cokley Cave,
a beautiful new underground wonderland, was opened in this district during the past year. Resort lo-
catons on coves and inlets offer peaceful relaxation at its peak.
THE DOGWOOD CAFE
REAL HORSEPITALITY AWAITS
YOU! RODEO STARS
Rex Allen and his horse Ko-
ko, of movie and TV fame, will
star in the Sixth Annual J-Bar-
H Championship Rodeo to be
held at Camdenton, Mo., in July.
Among those competing for
the $12,100 in prize money will
be champion cowboy Casey Tibbs.
The contest events will include
the wild horse race, bronc rid-
ing, calf roping, steer wrestling
and many other things equally
Also on hand for the feature
attractions will be The Frontiers-
men western singers, the Rodeo
Clowns and bullfighters, J. W.
tSoker (world's top trick roper)
and a host of others.
Last year, the rodeo's attend-
ance of 72,000 persons was
equalled by only two other out-
door rodeos in North America.
And here's an interesting side-
light: the only sport in America
to exceed rodeos in attendance
last year was professional base-
The rodeo arena is right smack
in the beautiful Lake of the
Ozarks area. So true Ozark hos-
pitality can be expected.
Camdenton, the hub city of
the Lake of the Ozarks, is lo-
cated on U.S. Highway 54 at the
intersection of Highway 5, sixty
miles southwest of Jefferson City
and seventy-five miles northeast
Camdenton may be reached on
excellent highways by privately
own cars, via bus lines or by
privately owned airplanes. The
city has a very good community
airport located on Highway 5
just three miles from town.
Located within this area is
scenic Bridal Cave. Situated on
the Niangua Arm of the Lake,
easily accessible by either water
or road, in a picturesque setting,
the cave is acknowledged to be
one of the most beautiful in
6th Annual J Bar H
Rodeo of Champions
By Herb Segelhorst
Ol' John Ain't
WHY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN PUT OFF UNTIL THE DAY AFTER TOMOR-
Old Ozark Saying Just Thought Up
Have you ever wondered what
our forefathers would say if
they could come back and see
how everyone is striving to save
enough money to buy their wife
a fur coat as good as Mrs. Jones
has . . . when all they had to wear
way back when was their skin?
Everyone dreams of some day
saving enough money to have a
little place in the country with
maybe a few chickens and a cow
plus lots of time to go fishing
and hunting . . with no financial
There are some people who
achieve most of the goals that we
hold dear without ever going
through the difficult process of
saving money to do it. Of course,
along with these goals there are
some, shall we say, minor diffi-
culties along the way.
But perhaps I should give you
a little background.
My home community is on the
edge of the Ozarks with the
hillbilly influence running along
the ridges like the fingers of a
Each hill is sort of a micro-
culture in itself.
On this particular hill about
three miles from our house lives
one of the more unusual families.
They are still living in the late
19th Century and apparently en-
joying it very much. They might
well be called the Paw Kettles of
Their home is very modest with
chickens walking in and out at
will . . . generally thought to be
the neighbors' chickens. Which
brings me to my first meeting
with John Lampke, the head of
This happened when I was
One night about 11 o'clock our
German Shepherd dog started
barking like he had something
treed up in the woods behind
the house. My dad and I went
out to check. Sure enough he did.
It was a badly shaken John
At the foot of the tree was a
bag of chickens.
Upon questioning, John ex-
plained how he was trading cock-
erals for new breeding stock with
Time passed and little was
heard from the John Lampke
One day, several years later,
John came charging up the road
in his 1923 Model T. Ford. All out
of breath, he asked for a ladder
and assistance. He explained that
his wife had fallen into the cis-
We loaded up the ladder and
drove over. Sure enough, here
was John's gentle little wife
standing neck deep in water and
cussing a blue streak.
Now John's not much a one for
maintenance of property. His
wife was lowering the butter in-
to the cistern to cool. The board
across the cistern broke, thus af-
fording the good woman her first
contact with fresh water since
she had last been caught in the
John's not too tidy himself.
Customarily, his uniform is ov-
eralls no longer blue but rather
a shiny gray from at least six
months previous wear. He tops
that off with an old Army hat
and shoes that look like medium
He rediscovers his razor and
its purpose about every two
After the cistern episode. I
didn't have any direct contact
with John until one day last
We met as he was going to
town and I was coming home.
We stopped and chatted for a
few minutes. And after giving
me a brief synopsis on his latest
fishing trip and how the spring
wheat was looking, we somehow
got on the subject of his car.
Now John is very proud of the
mechanical perfection of his con-
veyance and of his son's ability
to keep it in this condition of ex-
It was the aforementioned
Ford, without top or windshield
and one front wheel that is no
longer round but sorta elliptical,
in fact approaching square. The
fender over this wheel . . . well,
it is no more.
John explained that during the
course of the winter his son had
overhauled the engine. Says it
took most of the month of Feb-
ruary but he sure did a fine job.
He told me to come on and
hop in for a ride.
By this time John had assum-
ed the position of nose-through-
spoke, flicked on the key and
stomped the starter which mere-
ly went "kommmmp".
"Hey Herb, would you mind
giving her tail a little pull, seems
like the battery is low, maybe
it's old, let me see, nope, bought
it in the summer of '35. Sure
make stuff pitifully poor nowa-
After many turns of the Arm-
strong starter, by me, the fine
machine finally blasted out and
we took off in a lurch.
With the mild knock of loose
piston rods we bounced down
the road on the elliptical wheel.
It immediately seemed neces-
sary to grab that which seemed
secure . . . namely, the door han-
dle. It came off.
I was convinced that John's
car was in great shape.
Now John and his family are
certainly not to be pitied. They
seemed to enjoy their way of
In fact, I have never ever seen
John when he was in a bad
mood or, for that matter, I never
heard of any of the family hav-
ing a sick day.
As far as financial worries are
concerned, there simply aren't
any. Seeing as how the neighbors
always have some chickens.
How about you?
Indian "Head" Lodge
...the voice of the ozark turtle.
The Beach at Osage Beach!
The Fountain Motel
Sudden Service Cleaners
and Shirt Laundry
The teacher in a little back-
woods school was at the black-
board explaining arithmetic prob-
lems, and was delighted to see
that the gangling lad, her dullest
pupil, was giving slackjawed at-
tention. She was thrilled that at
last he was beginning to under-
stand, so when she had finished
she said to him, "You were so
interested, Emmett, that I'm cer-
tain you want to ask some ques-
"Yes'm," drooled Emmett. "I
got one to ask - where do them
figures go when you rub 'em
The perfect accessory
For that Ozark vacation
The Showme state this proves
Has the cutest in the nation
Photos by Joe Van Trump
THE JOURNALIST'S Creed
Thurlow Part VIII
1. Gawsh! This school barn 'ud sure
hold a lotta hay!
2. Met some uh the home folks at
Stephen's (but you wouldn't recog-
nize Orabelle Sue Sontag. She don't
speak ta me now.) . . .
3. They gave me a room but some-
thin' made me suspicious,
4. The University was right under-
standin' about a change and now I'm
comfortably settled . .
5. Some of them citified folks took
my old room . .
6. Ya gotta have wheels to make
out . . .
7. (Any kind of wheels) . . .
8. My teacher likes me . . .
9. But I ain't overstudyin', 'cause
bein' a curve-raiser is as dangerous
as livin between the Martins and the
Coys . . .
10. But I'm sure glad other kinds
of curves was raised - HOT DAMN!
11. These jumpin' snappin' college
girls got all sorts of equality . .
12. But basically they'se the same
13. They got a big barn where'n you
c'n check out catalogues . . .
14. To read in your dorm . . .
15. Girls ignore you on Monday . . .
16. But their right friendly late
Saturday . . .
17. Now and then we have a party
with city corn, but it don't get too
much out of hand. You can see the
effects next mornin' sometimes.
18. But don't worry about me none
ma, I've made lots of friends and I'm
gettin' into the swing of college life.
Murlin Gene Smith's
Well, they tell me another column's due, so that's my cue to waste a little space
(a viewpoint with which many will concur) and time. Well. Now. What's to talk
about? What makes this particular ripple on the surface of eternity important enough
to justify comment? Same tired old students, same tired old dog-eared and well-
thumbed University, same tired old bills, same tired old state, and, thus, same tired
old subject - the weather! I ask you, now honestly, hasn't this last month been the
! & @ @ &-est weather you've ever seen? If that doesn't cover the subject, you can sup-
ply your own set of adjectives. Suffice it to say that this was an unjustified indig-
nity of such magnitude as to legitimately re uire the professional services of a Senate
This year the J-students have really go, it made during Journalism Week! Last year
there were ten sessions, and students were required to attend nine of them. This year
there are 13 sessions, and students are required to attend 11. The Powers That Be
happily inform us that we're coming out to the good percentagewise. Everybody
I see in the campus spoof sheet
that slobs are restricted to a class
on campus. At the present time,
this class consists of some 450,000
individuals across t h e nation.
That's a lot of slobs in any lan-
guage, even in glennish. This
would seem to indicate that some
heroic research work had been
done, but personally I have more
of a feeling that the author of
that little piece lost the forest in
the trees, or the veterans in the
slobs. Maybe slobbishness is ram-
pant on the campus though, since
almost anything seems possible
And then there was the woman
on Jack Bailey's Queen for a Day
program who wanted a red light
for her front porch . . .
I have a great deal of respect
for MU girls, for they have a vir-
tue which no similar group of
coeds can boast - they can travel
through Iran in absolute safety.
No bandit would think of kidnap-
ping them. They wouldn't bring
enough on the slave block to pay
for their food while in transit.
There are a few notable excep-
tions, of course, but in general the
Glamorous American female seems
to come through Columbia, and
keep right on going.
So now Panama wants the ca-
nal. The more I think about it, the
more I'm inclined to think old Ben
Franklin had the right idea when
he suggested the turkey be made
the U.S. national bird. The eagle
won out, but the turkey would
have been more in character -
a big, fat target, ripe for the pluck-
ing! And if Gamal can do it, why
not Pedro or Juan or Ivan Ivano-
vitch? To quote a statement made
by Nikita Kruschev, we are suf-
fering from inflammation of the
Well, at latest count the city has
created 67 new holes for us to
ruin our tires on. Columbia tire
stores and garages will no doubt
create an Order of the Silver
Spade for the street department
employees who can dig the most
car-shattering holes in the short-
est time. They can easily afford
it from the increased profits. This,
of course, is just in the downtown
area and does not include residen-
tial areas with road surfaces clev-
erly designed to pit anew every
two months. For this, there is a
special award for highway engi-
I am taking a history class. This
class is called History of Imperial
and Soviet Russia, and is taught by
Dr. Roderick McGrew. I under-
stand that McGrew also teaches
such courses as European Diplo-
matic History and History of the
Far East and other such jewels.
Actually, it is not a bad course, but
the required reading list runs to
some 500 titles, plus three outside
book reports and the title should
be Marathon Reading 302. I fig-
ure that with the co-operation of
library workers, I can finish read-
ing all that stuff by about May of
1968. It would be a breeze if you
read English, German, French and
Russian and subscribe to the Des-
toevsky-Lao Tzu Historical Review.
All you lovers take warning!
Find your own place to park. I
have been informed by a juvenile
acquaintance that the Hickman
boys have a gay pastime. It seems
they all pile into the fastest car
they have and go 'coon hunting in
the evenings. He defined this as
meaning that they visit all the fa-
vorite moon viewing spots, jump
out of the car, yank open the door,
make some bright comment, and
leave - rapidly! This sort of thing
could ruin your evening.
I understand (through I.N.S.)
that one of the Moslem high church
muckety-mucks has come out
against modern women's clothing.
He says it is too seductive, too
tempting and leads men to sinful
thoughts. It is against religion. He
shouldn't worry too much about
it. After all, most of the poor
girls need all the help they can
get to hook a husband, and that's
the most successful thing they've
tried so far.
And what did you think of Jef-
ferson Day? Great! People meet-
ing people, "Hi, Jane, did you go
to the speech?" "Hi, Bill, no, I
went to the Union. Did you go?"
"No, I went over to the M-Bar."
All thanks to old Tom.
One of the funniest things I've
seen lately happened in the Union
one night. I was sitting there with
Briggle the Wiggle and the illus-
trious editor of the Maneater and
we were watching these arrested
juveniles rub against one another
as Elvis wailed to his Houn' Dawg
buddy. This finally got to the
Maneater. He went over and pick-
ed a number on the box, came
back and sat down. It started out
nice and smooth and they all
flocked onto the floor. Suddenly
the music faded down and was re-
placed by the hot beat of a jungle
drum. All the wigglers just sort
of ran down in jerks, looked at
each other, and had to give up!
George the Bartender is greet-
ing customers these days with the
phrase, "The wind blows for no-
thing-how much do you charge?"
Have you been tapped? Will
you be tapped? Hake sure you
are. It's an experience you won't
want to miss. Anyplace else you
can be pinched, poked, prodded,
shafted, touched, tickled . . . but
only here can you be tapped.
Aren't you glad you came?
I have learned that there is
some feeling over at Stephens that
I am undermining their underpin-
ning with comments such as
those about the Four-Fold Girl.
Tsk, tsk. They fail to realize that
the trouble with the United States
now is that the under-pinning isn't
loose enough as it is. This would
be a boon to everybody. Think of
the shot in the arm it would give
the revival meeting!
Well, the deadline is now, and
I am saved for another month. So
long, and remember . . . watch out
for that poison ivy!
TRY THE KEG
THE HI FI HOUSE
the novus shop
An Ozark mother stuck her
head out the door. "Zeke, May-
belle, what are you doin?"
"We're petting, Ma."
"That's nice children. Don't
In the tree top
Better not fall,
It's a helluva drop.
For years Zeke slept under
bridges and in ditches. Then one
day he switched to culverts and
became a man of distinction.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick,
Somebody show Jack to the
The backwoodsman passed
away and the preacher came to
his wife to get some information
about the poor man to use in his
eulogy at the funeral. "Is he a
Mason or an Elk? Did he be-
long to the Chamber of Com-
merce or the Ku Klux Klan?"
The bereaved wife asked,
"What's the Ku Klux Klan?"
The preacher explained, "Well,
I guess you might say that's the
devil under a sheet."
With a timid smile, she said,
"THAT he was!"
Luke: I know a man who has
been married for thirty years
and he spends every evening at
Ruby Pearl: That's what I call
"The doctor calls it paralysis."
Dad: Son, I'm going to tell you
Four-year-old: Okay, but keep
it clean. The old lady may be lis-
Is that our true position, Navi-
Then take off your hat. We're
in Westminster Abbey.
The lumber camp foreman put
a newly hired farm boy to work
stacking wood beside the shiz-
zing circular saw. As he started
to walk away, he heard an
"Ouch!" and turned to see the
country boy looking puzzledly at
a stump of a finger. Rushing
back, he asked what happened. "I
dunno," said the boy, "I stuck
my hand out like this and - well,
I'll be damned, there goes an-
A man waiting to order his din-
ner in a restaurant spotted this
sign on the wall, "If we cannot
serve what you order, we will
pay you $1000." When the waiter
came he ordered a fried ele-
phant's ear on a bun.
"African or Indian elephant,"
said the waiter.
"Well, African I suppose."
About five minutes later, the
waiter returned, laughing.
"You win, sir," he said, "we're
out of buns."
Two little German boys were
walking through the mountains
with their mother.
As one of them suddenly
pushed her off a cliff, he chortled
to the other, "Look Hans, no ma!"
Have a brew
Have some more
Have a fix
It's too late
In the pen.
Jim Willie: Drink broke up my
Tom Jack: Couldn't stop it?
Jim Willie: No, the damn still
A traveling salesman was re-
lating an adventure to a friend.
"I opened my door and saw
the farmer's beautiful daughter
lying on my bed."
"What did you do?"
"The only thing I could do -
called her father and had him
take her out. What would you
"The same thing you did, but
I wouldn't lie about it."
A young fellow once took his
dainty grandmaw to see the road-
show "Tobacco Road." After the
first two profane acts, the little
old lady was groping under her
"What's the matter, Grandma?"
asked the boy.
"Oh," she said, "I've lost my
"How about going out with
"I have a date Saturday."
"Then let's make it Sunday."
"I'm going out Sunday, too."
"How about Monday?"
"All right, dammit, I'll go Sat-
Variation On A Mood
BY LAUREL EASTLAND
She was very drunk.
I sat half on, half off the plas-
tic stool, my back to the bar
watching her. She was huddled
in the corner of a large semi-
circular booth, thoughtfully mak-
ing rings on the table with her
glass. Periodically, she paused to
push strands of hair from her
face. My eyes from habit focused
carefully on a spot just to the left
of her so I wouldn't be directly
staring. And then I started the
You see, from nine to three
every night I blow my brains out
with a trumpet in a hole in the
wall on Bourbon St. . . the kind
of place tourists hit by accident.
I stand and look in the darkness
where light beams rays into quiet
irises of cosmopolitanism and I
am sorry. I try to shutter my
eyes by tilting my head, but it
isn't that easy. My music is just
reaching the edge of their fore-
heads. And, by the time I get
through, as much as I'd like to
throw myself down the equally
damning rathole of sleep, I'm so
nervous I have to stop by Tor-
teriche's Bar on Ponchartrain on
my way home to deaden the pain.
I sit here, drinking a last one and
watching the people. I let my
mind fasten itself on the sandy-
eyed present and the show goes
Once it was a couple trying to
dance. The man was obviously
against the whole thing, but the
girl kept moving around on the
floor, forcing him to move, too.
Even when the jukebox was
feeling for records, she kept it
up - shuffling, swaying, sprad-
dling. And with each changing
tempo, they danced in the same
way, she just moving, he jogging
to a beat something like a square
dance. There was no synchroni-
zation, like they had just passed
each other by accident and hap-
pened to clasp hands as a differ-
ent melody swung through indi-
Last night it was a habitual
alcoholic, his head rolling to the
rhythm he made in cupping his
outstretched hands around his
drink and moving it in patterns
on the bar. He was making the
only drink he could afford last
as long as possible by playing
with it. He would keep his eyes
on it constantly, tipping it one
way, then the other. He would
stop, then, and stare at it. Fin-
ally he would take a drink. In a
way, he was making love . . .
first the byplay, then the climax
. . . rushing in a torrent of sweet-
ness and sorrow that groped un-
til the fingers spread and closed
into the flower of a fist.
But now it was the girl. I won-
dered if she was waiting for
someone. At 4 a.m.? I guess not.
I'd seen a lot like her . . . I'd
be lost in a variation on a mood
song and suddenly I'd see some-
one in the audience who felt it,
too. Usually a woman, usually
drunk. She'd be completely apart
from her group, slipped through
the sound into a silver stare, just
listening. I'd play to her for
awhile, then forget myself again.
This one was typical - hair
swept sveltely back on one side,
hugging her face on the other.
Her green cocktail dress fitted
closely all the way down to just
above her knees, then flared to
reveal crossed legs almost invis-
ibly stockinged. If she had been
standing her shoes would have
made her three inches taller.
I guess I'd been watching her
about twenty minutes when she
noticed me. She had raised the
glass and, tipping it to drink,
had unveiled her eyes. God! They
were green, green. No, it wasn't
just the dress. They really were
I half-way smiled. Automatic-
ally she turned away, then just
as automatically looked back. She
didn't smile, she only looked.
I sat there for a minute. Then,
deliberately, I turned to the bar.
I wanted her to work at it. I
could see her face in the mirror,
still expressionless, resuming her
ritual with the glass. Okay,
okay, I said to myself, angry for
believing I was desirable enough
to make her do something ob-
vious to attract me. I whirled
from the stool.
"Hi," I said. She didn't look
up. I slid in on the opposite side
of the semi-circle. Then her eyes
(green green green) lifted and
I could feel even in the seeming
apathy something rising.
"Well," I whispered.
"Oh, what the hell," she said
in a tired voice, "Let's go."
It is still not too late for you to
join these four beauties who plan
to enter the "Miss Missouri" con-
Entry blanks are available at
the main desk of the Student Un-
ion. You need not have attended
the SHOWME contest entrance pro-
Under Junior Chamber of Com-
merce auspices, the St. Louis area
preliminaries will be held in late
May, when six poised, talented
young ladies will be chosen to
represent this area in the June
22nd "Miss Missouri Pageant,"
competing with finalists from ev-
ery major town in Missouri!!
The Webster Groves Junior
Chamber of Commerce, responsi-
ble for the Miss America Prelimi-
nary in Missouri, has announced
over $2,000.00 in scholarships,
awards, and all-expense travel to
be awarded at the pageant.
competing for the title of "Miss
Convertible for Miss Missouri's
personal use during her reign, a
wardrobe, luggage, a resort-tour of
Missouri, over $2,000.00 in schol-
arships and awards . . . and an
all-expense week in Atlantic City
Awards will include a new Dodge
America" ($100,000.00) and the
$30,000.00 in scholarships awarded
annually at the national finals.
Still Not Too Late.
TIGER BEAUTIES WILL
TRY FOR "MISS MISSOURI"
Gamma Phi Beta
CASINO DOCK at Bagnell Dam
Gamma Phi Beta
Roseann Teri, reigning "Miss Missouri," lett, and Jackie Eichelber-
ger, contestant in new 1957 "Miss Missouri Scholarship Pageant" . . .
try out flashy new convertible which will be presented to "Miss Mis-
souri 1957" for her personal use during her reign.
Under Junior Chamber of Commerce auspices, the St. Louis area
preliminaries will be held in late May.
Girls interested in entering should contact Mrs. Rosemary Patrick,
registrar, Miss Missouri Scholarship Pageant, 5855 Robert Ave., St.
Louis 9, Missouri, or pick up a SHOWME direct entry blank at the
main desk of the Student Union by the coffee shop.
That There City Girl
You'd think that there'd be a
law against them and that's what
I tell'd ma, only she up and
laughed at me and says I've got
a lotta things ta learn about girls.
And then I asked pa fer advice
on the subject and he comes out
and tell'd me that he ain't been
able ta figger them out and he's
been married ta one since I wasn't
even thought of.
Well, bein' sixteen and havin'
been in contacts with two of
them there critters, as pa al-
ways calls them, and them livin'
on the next farm 'bout three
miles from ours, I figgers I'm
becomin' an expert on them. I'm
talkin' 'bout girls case ya didn't
know. I figgers pa ain't so smart
if he's never been able to figger
ma out and them bein' tagether
fer so long now. And I don't
think ma's so hard ta figger out,
not fer me anyways. I'm the
only other man around the house,
so one of us better be able ta fig-
ger her out. I don't have no sis-
ters either. Pa says I'm lucky
'cause I don't know what I'm
missin'. He's had three.
It all started when Eileen, who
lives at the farm I told ya was
near ours, well, she invites her
city cousin, Jeanne, ta stay with
her fer the summer. Now that's
the whole start of the trouble,
that there city girl!
Ya see, I used ta always go
fishin' and ridin' and huntin'
with Bart who's Eileen's brother.
That was before Eileen and me
started goin' steady. Bart's got
more horse sense than she has,
he bein' fourteen and her bein'
only thirteen. Now that's my
A STORY CONTEST ENTRY
opinion so don't go spreadin' it
all around. Personally, I think all
boys has more sense than girls
and I even told Eileen that once
and she says I'm partial 'cause
I'm a boy and she didn't speak
ta me fer a week. That never
bothered me much anyway 'cause
then I didn't spend any of my
allowance on her fer the movies
in Ayrshire which is the nearby
town ta our farm, 'bout six miles
I don't know why I take her
out all the time, but goin' steady
usually requires havin' only two
people, one girl and one guy.
Anyways, her folks and mine
figger it's all right and Eileen
and me get along pretty good
most of the time. I kinda like
her a lot at times and always
do my ridin' with her. And I
get a kick out af the way she
handles her horse, a chestnut
bay. She rides him bare back
and guides him by pullin' his
mane from side ta side. Now I
use my saddle horse, and I use
a saddle and reins, not that I'm
a sissy ta ride bare back, but
I've got sense 'cause someday
Eileen's gonna get hurt. I keep
tellin' her that, but like a girl,
she don't listen none and will
race on ahead a me with the
bay's tail straight out and her
own yella pony-tail just as
That's the ONLY thing I can't
figger out in a girl, why she
won't take advice when a guy's
tryin' ta be helpful.
Well, it seems that when
Jeanne came in from Des Moines,
which is a city only a couple a
hundred miles southeast of our
farm, I had ta figger that there
city girl out 'cause she was build-
in' trouble between Eileen and
I had ridden over ta Eileen's
farm and got off my horse to go
ta the house ta see if she wanted
ta go ridin' when that there city
girl comes out pattin' back her
brown hair and grinnin' like a
toothpaste ad on Highway 30.
She comes up ta me, within
inches mind ya, closer than I
care ta let any girl 'cept Eileen
come, and she says, in a city
drawl that those city people seem
ta always have, "You're Hankie,
Eileen's one and only. I'm
Jeanne, and you're going to be
my one and only too."
Well, I was flabbergasted
(that's one of ma's big words)!
My face must a turned red 'cause
I could feel it burnin' and then
Jeanne goes and takes my arm
and starts walkin' me ta the
house. And she had the darndest
nerve ta say I shouldn't be afraid
of her 'cause she wouldn't bite.
All I could choke up was I wasn't
afraid of no girl and I tried ta
get her ta let go when I seen
Eileen at the door.
Eileen seemed ta be frowning
some when she came out and she
looked mean like fer just a sec-
ond at Jeanne. And then she
glanced down at Jeanne's red
red shorts, which I was afraid
ta mention before because they
looked awful tight, like they was
gonna split. And then Eileen says
fer Jeanne ta put on dungarees
like Eileen's if she wanted ta go
ridin' with us. So Jeanne runs
her hands over her shorts and
on her bare legs and looks up at
me and says they're cooler and
wondered if she'd really have ta
change. She suggested ridin'
double with me since she wasn't
sure how ta ride, but Eileen says
"nothing doing" 'cause she knows
Jeanne can ride. Jeanne gives her
a quick look and turns back ta
me and says not fer me ta do
anything she wouldn't do until
she gets back. I went over ta
Eileen, shruggin' my shoulders,
and I asked her what Jeanne
meant. Eileen said not ta pay her
I could see that this was gon-
na, be some humdinger of a ride
when Bart comes walkin' his
horse our way. I looked at Eileen,
but she didn't say nothing ex-
cept that three's a crowd and
four's company and she preferred
We finally got goin' and every-
thin' went along with a kinda
chill hangin' in the air. Jeanne
had been ridin' close ta my side
when Eileen wanted to race and
I said nothin' doin', she looked
hurt and called me a scaredy cat.
Bart was willin' ta race and took
out after his sister at a fast gal-
lop. This left Jeanne and me
alone which I didn't care for.
She suggested we ride back to-
ward the artificial lake near our
place and I said okay since I
seen Eileen and Bart headin'
back. I took a quick glance at
Jeanne and noticed she was as
pretty as Eileen only I was stuck
on Eileen 'cause I am partial
'bout girls from the farm. As I
looked back at Jeanne, I noticed
she looked older than Eileen. Ya
can tell they're older by the way
they put on their lipstick, care-
ful like, as though they've been
doin' it a while. Well, I asked
Jeanne how old she was and she
says she's as old as Eileen which
was hard fer me ta believe since
she looked as old as some of the
senior girls in my high school.
And when we reached the
lake, Jeanne looks back ta see
how far off Eileen and Bart are
and she tells me ta follow her.
She rides into the trees which
surround the lake and gets off
her horse. I do the same, hopin'
that Eileen and Bart hurry up
and get here. Then Jeanne walks
over ta me and takes my hand
and kinda guides me ta the lake
side. We sits ourselves down in
the foot high grass and Jeanne
looks at me and smiles and brings
her head close ta mine.
"Don'tcha want to kiss me,"
she says, closin' her eyes and
"Look. I think we better get
goin'," I say, shakily, and I try
ta put down that lump in my
throat and a voice that seems ta
say, "Hank, yer a fool not ta!"
"Come on, Hankie. You're not
afraid of girls, are you?" she
coaxes, which burns me up.
"Quit callin' me Hankie! The
name's Hank and I'm not afraid
of girls!" With that, I take her
in my arms and kiss her hard.
Jeanne wraps her arms around
me tight and kisses back real
hard too. The lipstick tasted
sweet and Jeanne smelled real
good, not like the hogs Eileen's
Well, we must've kissed fer a
good five minutes and we broke
up when I heard a noise behind
To Encourage Student Writing Showme Supplement
us, away from where our horses
was tied. Then I heard hoof beats
ridin' off or ridin' past, I didn't
know which and I didn't care
right then since I was feelin'
We sat smilin' at each other
and then Jeanne taKes off her
ridin' boots and socks and sticks
her feet in the water. With a lit-
tle of her pleadin', I do the same
and Jeanne snuggles up close ta
me, closer than I let - I guess
I told ya that before. Well, what
Jeanne comes out with next
knocked the ground out from un-
der me. She'd suggested goin' in
swimmin' and I told her I didn't
have a suit. Well, she says "Who
needs a suit?"
Ya see how easy it is ta figger
out girls? All us guys know they
lead ya into things. Well, I told
her I wasn't about ta go in
swimmin' in the raw. And then
she says, I won't be the only
one, and I about died of embar-
rassment. She tells me they call
it "skinny dippin' " way out East
and she figgers if boys go swim-
min' in the raw, girls can too.
Well, I was fit ta be tied and
I was burnin' out light bulbs try-
in' ta think a way out 'cause if
I listened ta Jeanne any longer,
I know'd I'd be goin' swimmin'
out of curiosity and if pa ever
found out, he wouldn't spare that
two inch wide cowhide belt a his.
Jeanne was 'bout ready ta un-
button her blouse while she was
callin' me girl-scared and burn-
in' me up so's I was ready ta
pull my shirt off, when Bart
comes ridin' in and says we'd
better get home. Jeanne looked
scared fer a minute and I 'bout
Jeanne rode on ahead while
Bart rode beside me and kept
lookin' at me real odd like. He
told me Eileen had seen what I
and Jeanne was doin' by the lake
and Eileen was cryin' ta beat all
get out when he left her. And I
thought he meant she had seen
us startin' ta get undressed
when Bart says I shouldn't a
kissed Jeanne. Was I relieved! I
told Bart Jeanne was kissin' me
'cause I figger a little lyin' won't
hurt nothin' here and Jeanne
won't say anythin'. I was a bit
scared of facin' Eileen, but I
figgered I could handle her. Then
Bart told me ta get rid a the
lipstick on my mouth, which I
At the farm, we met Eileen by
the stables. She was a little red
around the eyes, but she seemed
real cheerful. Bart was standin'
by her by now and askin' her
what made her change her mind.
I couldn't figger out what he was
drivin' at and I was more con-
cerned in what Jeanne was tell-
"We were going swimming in
the raw," she said, real sassy
like, but Eileen didn't say any-
thin' except that it sounded like
it would have been fun, which
'bout knocked me fer a loop hear-
in' it come from Eileen.
I had ta figger fast ta keep up
ta my girl, so I figgered she was
being real polite like ta her city
cousin since I know all along
that Eileen was more intelligent
than that there city girl.
Eileen comes walkin' slowly up
ta me where I'm sittin' on the
fence and then I notice her dun-
garee shorts, which I didn't know
she owned, and I almost fell off
the fence! They was just like
Jeanne's shorts, m fit that is.
Well, Eileen rests her head on
her arm, which is restin' on my
knee, and she smiles at me and
asks me when I'm takin' her ta
the movies again. She says it real
loud too and she looks so cute ta
me that I hafta lift her chin.
That's when I feel a desire ta kiss
her 'cause now I figger I know
why I like her over Jeanne and
that's Eileen's kisses which are
soft and yet electric like. I didn't
kiss her though 'cause I save that
fer when we're alone. So I say
that we'd better go tomorrow
night, which is Friday. And then
Eileen asks me, real loud again,
what are we gonna do on Satur-
day night since these are the only
two nights we can go out to-
gether. I told her I'd think up
All this talk between Eileen
and me kinda bothers Jeanne and
she takes Bart by the hand and
almost drags him away while he
keeps lookin' back my way fer
help. I figger he just doesn't fig-
ger out girls like I do, so I let
him be dragged off fer a lesson
since I figger Jeanne's the girl
that can give it ta him. It turns
out that Jeanne wanted ta get
him ta tell his ma that she wanted
ta leave that week end.
Ya see now it's not hard ta fig-
ger out girls. Eileen had asked
me, after Jeanne had left that
weekend, if I do go in swimmin'
in the raw and I told her the
truth which was yes and I added
somethin' I remembered a man
on TV sayin' and it sounded real
heroish ta me. I added it real
quick like, sayin', "that's only
when I'm out with the boys!"
And she added, "I'm glad that's
the ONLY time." And I could
tell she was embarrassed by the
subject so I dropped it.
So this is how I figgers out
Eileen since she wasn't jealous.
I figgers she knew she could
trust me and she knew I was her
guy so she didn't have a thing
ta worry about what with my
And I figgers that there city
girl this way. She left 'cause she
knew I was true ta Eileen and
mainly because Bart just
wouldn't give her a tumble be-
in' she was too young fer him.
Come ta think of it, even if
she looked older than thirteen,
she was really younger and in-
nocent than the whole bunch of
us which goes to show ya what
we farmers have over them there
Lewis' Texaco Town
Highway 40 At Sexton
Edgewater Beach Cottages and Lodge
TOM'S MONKEY JUNGLE and GIFT SHOP
Grandpappy McCoy, a hillbilly
of the Ozarks, had wandered off
into the woods and failed to re-
turn for supper. So young Ras-
putin was sent to look for him.
He found him standing in the
"Gettin' dark, Grandpap," the
"Supper time, Pap."
"Standing in a b'ar trap."
Testimonial received by a drug
concern: For nine years I was
totally deaf, and after using your
ear drops for only ten days, I
heard from my brother in South
Ernie's Steak House
Once a British game hunter,
whose hobby was collecting rare
animals, came upon an animal so
rare that he decided to call it a
rary. It had a human brain, the
head of an elephant, the body of
a tiger, the legs of an ostrich, feet
like a gorilla, ears like Rocky
Marciano and a tail like a pos-
So he took it to London and
put it in the zoo for all the child-
ren to see. Well, within six
months, the rary had grown so
fast and eaten so much that the
zoo keeper had to call the hunter
and tell him he would have to
get rid of it.
So he led the rary down a lone-
ly British lane and came to a
high cliff. He was about to push
the rary over, when he looked
at it, the rary looked at him, and
a large tear rolled down its face.
"No, I can't do it," said the
hunter, "It's a long way to tip
Noelgossiper, Ltd, Ptd, Ddt,
esq., 'ere. I say there, governor,
'ave you met this fellow, BOB
CLATANOFF? I say, 'e's a cor-
rupt one and from right 'ere in
our 'ome away from 'ome, Colum-
bia. A rake around the women,
Gamma Phi included, and prop-
erly labeled our circulation man-
Now old chaps, Bob, a D.U., is
a bully, mid-Victorian (speaks to
you if 'e wants to) and 'as a 'ab-
it? of loosing our rare copies to
residents of 615 Turner. I'm told
'e doesn't get up before ten and
this may be the cause. You'll rec-
ognize 'im, in the summer, by 'is
cord suit and sneaks, really tip
tip . . . and 'e saves (to put it
mildly) brandy jiggers. Oh yes,
I dare say, the old chap's a 'istory
major, whatever you Colonists
call that. We learn a bit of a dif-
ferent type of 'istory in dear
old G. B. (Great Britain) dont-
Now my bloomin' readers
there's this new staff addition,
and by jove, 'e's a jovial car-
toonist at that. They call 'im RON
FARR, freshman and a possible
advertising major (blimey now,
the world ?really? needs ad men).
And this blighter's a real one
when it comes to a mug of brew.
He gets pink, delightfully pink,
and laugh . . laugh, laugh, laugh
when 'igh. My petite informant
suggests that he's cute but he
doesn't give the fairer sex a
chance. I say, 'e's really a bloody
bloke, but I'm sure this Kansas
City fellow will shape up or my
name isn't Noelgossiper, Ltd, Ptd,
Ddt. esq. Blimey now, Ron's the
fellow, Edwards House and all
that poppy rot and Tiger Squad-
ron too and phone 2-9751, girls.
I say, that's a topper now, righto?
Now ladies and you rowdier
blighters, there's a certain Hol-
sum young lady by the title of
RUTH MUFF (say that twenty
times fast) who has frequented
many a windy corner. (Pushing
sales of our magazine of course.)
I say, she even drives 'er own
station wagon, been to G. B.'s
royal colony of Bermuda (a bit
of a mishap trying to get back
bloody American planes and
poor engines and all that rot)
and 'as just returned from the
more alcoholic southern state of
Florida (I say, the old girl is
really a pip . . . the name's Noel-
gossiper, Ltd, Ptd, Ddt, esf.).
She's a charming Holsum Pi Phi,
been to the local bobbies' 'ide-
away a few times to pay a few
tickets, but she has learned quite
a few jolly tricks like 'ow to get
out of a University parking tick-
"Just said I was unloading my
harp," she innocently told the
She's a music education major
from Trenton, Mo., 'ome of her
daddy's Holsum Bread office. I
say, clever, eh wot?
WRIGHT'S RADIO & T.V.
FARMERS' FAIR AND HORSE SHOW