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Showme May, 1957; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1957

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May. 1957 $00.25 Showme Hot Damn- Ozarks Matt Flynn THE DIAMONDS MERCURY RECORDING STARS THE AL BELLETTO SEXTET CAPITOL RECORDING ARTISTS TWO SHOWS - 7:30 and 9:30 Puckett's letters March 20, 1957 Dear Nanci (My Pet) and Skip: Although my landlady dislikes SHOWME because "it's childish", I despise it because it refuses con- tinually to publish my stuff. As a member of the working press, I feel my literature is more acceptable to the discriminating than the third-class chit-chat you insist on printing. Other comments at my office, (Springfield State Journal) fol- low: Society Editor-"Pure drivel." Managing Editor-Just curled his lip and snarled. City Editor-"Rubbish." Publisher-"A violation of the Freedom of the Press." Janitor-"Pages are too stiff." Ex-Stephens Reporter-"Those dirty S.O.B.s" If you fail to print my letter, I'll see that you're all flunked in H & P and Copy II. From one who made it, Bob Colby 1516 Whittier Ave., Springfield, Ill. Dear Bob: You should be flunked in Copy II for saying "Ex-Stephens" in- stead of "Former Stephens". Now that we've published your stuff you shouldn't despise us. If you met us again you'd find we're simply lovable folks. In fact, your Pet loves ANY man. Pet and beloved Skip March 16, 1957 Sirs: Please begin a SHOWME sub- scription for Dr. C. V. Bailey, Jr., 27 University Trailer Park, Austin 3, Texas. Tell us when the sub is up, so that I may renew it? Dorothy Bailey Dear Dorothy: It's up this month. Please send $500 for renewal care of Skip and Nanci March 11, 1957 Dear Editors: We are sending you TRUMP, the SUSIE STEPHENS new humor magazine. We would like to continue each new issue and in turn we would like to be included on your subscription list. We are asking because we have more than a passing inter- est in college humor magazines. TRUMP is a young fast-growing publication and we are naturally on the alert for new talent. We hope to be able in the future to add new ability and skill to our staff from the staffs of college humor magazines. Very truly yours, Harry Chester Managing Editor TRUMP Magazine 232 E. Ohio St., Chicago, Ill. Dear Mr. Chester: We've had our bags packed ever since we heard you bought off the editors of MAD and put them into a new income bracket. Take us away from all this pov- erty and give us four-color cov- ers again. 17 New Talents (Loaded with Original Tricks - Will Travel) March 25, 1957 Dear Editor: As a member of the Class of '56, I have always been intrigued by the "gems of wisdom" pub- lished in SHOWME. Now, that I am in Washington, D.C., I would delight in reading a copy. Thank you, Marilyn Mitchell 221 Gibbon St., Apt. 2 Alexandria, Va. Dear Marilyn: When you send us some money we'd be glad to go on intrigu- ing you. Don't you people in Washington have any concern for Poor People? Nanci, Skip and Aga Khan March 25, 1957 Joe Van Trump, Photo Editor Hi Joe: SHOWME is a fine publication and after reading it, I can see why it is such a popular item. Very good. It must have been a tough de- cision in voting for the six queen finalists, but I'm inclined to go along with it. Tell both Ann and Katie that I said so. We heard you on Harry Fender's Show and you all sounded like natural ra- dio personalities. I'm sending a couple of our latest records. Our next release, due about May 1, is "Lonely Man" b/w "The Happy One". The good "ole" Escorts are proud to appear in good "ole" SHOWME. THE ESCORTS RCA-VICTOR Dear Good "Ole" Escorts: We hope KFRU and KBIA take the tip and give the record- ings a spin. We heard you and are sure you're heading up to the top. Send a couple samplers to the two above stations here in Columbia. They hardly ever dig out anything except what's pre- sented to them on a platter! If you ever get down to Ste- phens College, don't ever com- pliment us there. We'll lose cir- culation! Every time some offi- cial rakes us, but good, our sales jump. Editors April 1, 1957 Dear Editors: I recently received an issue of SHOWME from a friend and it was sure good to see that "feelthy" magazine again. It sure shortened the distance between Mizzou and Mainz, Germany. Send me issues from February through June . . and bill me. Lt. Jasper D. Crane 04042115 78th AFA Bn., Btry C, APO 185, N.Y., N.Y. Dear Casper: What sinful friends you have! But mercy man! Don't say SHOW- ME shortens the distance between a guy and M.U. A lotta seniors are around who wanta put a' much distance between as pos- sible . . . but we still want their subscriptions next year. Your Long-Distance Buddies March 25, 1957 To: Editors Subject: General Bull Writing a letter to the editor (editors) of SHOWME has been something that I have meant to do for a long time. This all prob- ably sounds pretty corny, but it's true just the same. I think you have a pretty fair publica- tion. Every month I don't rush right down to purchase my copy, catch on? There's only one com- plaint, the fact that by the time the local bookstore receives their allotment, they are almost a month old. Was just wondering where the holdup was. We hard-studying sons of old St. Pat do enjoy read- ing some good stuff once in a while. You mentioned something in the editors' column about an ov- er-abundance of queens. Just in case you decide that you could spare a few for a good cause, just direct them to the address below. Sincerely, Joe R. Aid 411 E. 11th St., Rolla, Mo. Dear Joe: Month old! No wonder you don't rush right down. Probably 3 held up at the customs office. Man, there are so many queens around here we hear there's a hunt for a girl rumored not to have been one. And when they trace her down she's going to be crowned queen at the Unqueen Dance. Queen Nanci and Plain Skip March 25, 1957 Dear Sir: Send all of this year's back copies and continue all through next year. I would appreciate it. 1st Lt. Joseph Kelso Finance Officer HQ. Sqdn., Sec. 20, FB Wg. APO 120, NY, N.Y. Dear Joe: Some are hard to come by now. You're set up for next year's issues but as for this year wouldn't you rather take ad- vantage of our special back issue gift package of 350 December is- sues for only $3? It needn't cost YOU a cent . . . you're finance officer. For an even bigger bar- gain, contact MANEATER. Editors March 25, 1957 Sirs: Please send to Mr. and Mrs. Ronnie Melton, Trailer 12, MCB, 29 Palms, California, as many SHOWME as this money ($2) will buy. Enjoy your magazine so very much. (Over) Thank you Unsigned Kansas City, Mo. Dear Unsigned: Different issues? Plain pack- age? Editors March 22, 1957 Dear Murlin, How was the safari (February Shooting Gallery)? And how - Ummmm, and I was saying - a comment on your March column. (The word preceding the first bracket is loosely termed.) Your verbal attack on the "She- phens Armor" sent me shaking in my tennies. First with rage and then with laughter. It was very pungent! A Susie P.S. And that friend who found the crack in the Stephens armor. He should check his own armor - he might find it warped. Dear A Susie, Safari. What safari? I've used a lot of words at one time or an- other, some socially and others less so, but safari? No. This word and the mention of having the shakes (a rare East African di- sease) leads me to believe that perhaps this was written by a Ubangi exchange student. This is born out by the signautre, but perhaps she is only operating on the old Stephens theory that there's safety in anonymity. As to the friend with the crack in the Stephens armor, he be- lieves as I do -that the best de- fense is a good offense. On the other, if our shaking Susie feels insecure looking after her per- sonal armor, we'll be glad to help . .Any night . . . Murlin. A small boy was hurrying to school, and as he hurried, he prayed, "Dear God, dont' let me be late. Please don't let me be late." Suddenly he stumbled and fell. Picking himself up he ex- plained, "You don't have to shove!" ROMANO'S POWELL FLORIST Julie's Studio BROADWAY DRIVE-IN TIGER LAUNDRY & CLEANERS Editors' Ego Well, well, well - the MAN- EATER is finally dumping Kirch- off! But unlike most SHOWME ed- itors, he's picking up his degree before his editorial Waterloo. THIS IS Journalism Week - the time when the seats in Neff Aud are harder than at any other time of year. Spending six hours a day in a room formerly occu- pied only for H & P and Ad Prin lectures, you memorize every crack in the ceiling and every scratch in the podium. Then bitch healthily when an old alum gets carried away with journal- istic fervor and you miss your lunch hour. And you never in your life watched so many plaques award- ed, heard so many speeches or met so many members of "the working press." Fortunately a WE'VE COVERED the Ozarks on other pages of the magazines, so all you have to do is pick your route on our map, choose your spot, and have a wicked go at it. Hot Damn! Head for the Ozarks! few of them do work and those are the people we love to hear more of. It's encouraging to think that someday you too will get paid for doing what you pay to do now. And everyone threatens to bring pillows and no one ever does and the Tastee-Freeze nev- er had so much business and spring blows in the window and it's such a nice day to go to the Ozarks. And here you are. So it is to all suffering jour- nalism students that we dedicate this Ozark issue of SHOWME. . And when you read it dur- ing this morning's session, please be unobtrusive about it. The speaker for the day may not be as unobservant as Mr. Jones. As long as we're on this jour- nalistic kick, we might as well mention that WALTER WIL- LIAMS WAS A MIDGET! This theory, propounded by Swami's Spiritual Advisor and Ray of Sunshine, Margi Foster, can be proven empirically. Just try to get a drink at the water foun- tains in W. W. Hall! Showme VOLUME 33 MAY, 1957 NUMBER EIGHT EDITORS Skip Troelstrup Nanci Schelker BUSINESS MANAGER Dick Johnston Brack Hinchey PHOTOS Joe Van Trump Charlotte Peaslee OFFICE MANAGER Pat Deatherage Alex Seconk EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Dick Noel Alex Seconk PUBLICITY Judy Miller Margi Foster SUBSCRIPTIONS Joanne Petefish Alex Seconk FEATURES Ron Soble Alex Seconk CIRCULATION Bob Clatanoff Ruth Muff EXCHANGES Carolyn Maas Alex Seconk ADVERTISING Gene Scott Bob Weinbach ART J. J. Aasen Barney Kinkade JOKES Ginny Turman Alex Seconk FEATURES PLAN THAT OZARK WINGDING! -------- 15 OL' JOHN AIN'T GOT ULCERS ---------------- 24 THE JOURNALISTS' CREED ------------------- 31 DERE MAW --------------- ----- 35 VARIATION ON A MOOD ------------------ 43 THAT THERE CITY GIRL ------------------- 46 In Paris, it's frankness, In the New Yorker, it's life, In a professor, it's clever: But in Showme, It's censored. SHOWME is published nine times during the college year by the students of the University of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall. Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by self-addressed, stmped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertising Representatives: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 East 42nd St., New York City. Printers: Modem Lithe-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail, $3.00. Editors' phone numbers: GI. 3-4053 or GI. 2-9855. 7 If school life is making you feel like A mouldy, run-down desert rat And you'd rather be snappin' 'n jumpin' Then the Ozark's the place for you, Cat Around The Columns May . . . the beer-drinking month . . . everybody who has saved up their cuts has a field day . . everybody who hasn't saved up their cuts has a field day . warm weather (finally) . . . blasts at the drive-in movies . . . Bermuda shorts . . . Gawd! . . . Spring Formals . . more dogs than usual on the campus . . . some with four legs for a change . . .edging into summer . . . hot days, warm nights . . . kill the dirty bums . go go go go crazy where IS MY BUG YOU SNEAKS!! ho ho ho . . &%%ffi oho ohohohhho . . how . . . how, white man. ugh grunt, how. like this. once upon a time there was a little girl named hester boxcar and she had bad breath and a wart on her left hand she was nice and had a red tricy- kal and one day she upped and smashed her grandmother's head with it (the tri- cykal) what brass, and stuck her in the furnace, all this for extra-curricular school work she got 12 points and a gold star for it. the little sneak. SHE HAD HER NERVE. spring has come to the small animals and fish. May. the month. NOT TOO LONG AGO the city slapped a fine on a student for running a stop light that wasn't working. Evidently, ac- cording to the city's interpreta- tion, you must obey a stop light even though the stop light doesn't give you anything to obey. See, when a driver sails up to the non-working light, he stops and trys to figure out whether the colorless sign is red or green. Of course it isn't either one, but the driver is anxious to obey the traffic laws. Therefore, the driver just sits there and waits, hoping that the sign will do something. Natural- ly, traffic is piling up behind him. Horns are tooting, drivers are screaming, tempers are boil- ing, children are laughing, dogs are barking and elderly women are breaking their hips at a rap- id pace. Warishell. The driver can do one of two things. He can pray that the light is supposed to be green and drive off - in which case the gendarmes around the corner will track him down for running a major stop street, careless and reckless driving, attempted mur- der, grand larceny, carrying a concealed weapon, mental illness, breathing and Being Alive. Or, he can just sit there and be ar- rested for all the above charges plus obstructing traffic, speed- ing, inciting a riot, arseny and Being a Youth. (Them Youths got two strikes against 'em to begin with. Never admit you're a Youth.) However, there is a third al- ternative. The driver can take out his silver-plated Magnum 400 and blow his brains out. But that would probably come under the heading of defacing the streets. SPEAKING of traffic and stop signs and gendrames and like that, here is another item. You been noticing these "Yield" signs they got now? I'm sure you have. They're distracting as hell. You're driving along very con- tented and allofasudden you're shocked out of your wits by this big yeller jobber that says YIELD. Wild. First time I saw one I didn't know whether to climb under the floorboard and quote scripture or boil water. YIELD. Hell, I don't know. I mean what if two cars are com- ing at once. Which one yields first? Or do they both yield. This could start a whole new eti- quette. Casual wear for daytime yielding and tails for evening. Never yield with your mouth full. He yielded with his boots on. This could go on forever. But here's a helpful hint. I looked it up and "yield" is an old Latin word the root of which originally meant "accelerate." To take it from there. Yield schmield. ANDY'S CORNER, where amazing things happen with re- markable frequency, has been a longtime champion of the com- mon dog. They feed two or three regularly, and several dozen more go about the varied busi- ness of being a dog with the Cor- ner as their base of operations. However, in order to display their lack of prejudice - or to get rid of some rats - the good people recently adopted another member of the animal world. A Cat. A female cat. At first, no one really gave a damn whether it was gentleman cat or a lady cat, but soon the suspicion be- gan to grow that if it wasn't a lady cat then it must be hav- ing some of the most amazing gastric disorders on record. A few weeks ago all doubts vanished. Mrs. Cat - with one of the bartenders acting as mid- wife - deposited five (5 count 'em 5) small cats in an empty Falstaff case. Mother and child- ren are doing fine, thank you, and the Tri-Delts have got dibs on the yellow one. HAVE YOU ever considered the advantages of indistinguish- able twins marrying indistin- guishable twins? WELL NOW. We haven't look- ed in on 01' Small Orphant An- nie in a long time, have we? You may remember that in the last adventure of hers that I interpre- ted for you she was about to have one of her arms broken by Ma Licious' nasty old cook. I don't rightly recall just which arm this cook was interested in breaking, but I'll just wager that she missed out on the fun alto- gether. Nobody breaks Orphant Annie's arms. Her legs, maybe, but not her arms. See, if . . . well, anyway, this last adventure was several months ago, and no telling what's been going on since then. What with all this bone breakage 01' Orphant may be a quadruple amputee by this time. But no matter. We'll give it a whirl and see what we can make of it. Here we are. Page 3. Now. In the first picture Small Orphant is standing in the doorway, look- ing down at some ripped-up wires coming out of the wall. Behind her a couch is turned over, and on the wall above the ripped-up wires a picture is hanging crook- ed. Looks like dirty work's afoot. Or perhaps they're just spring cleaning. Anyway, this big bal- loon affair is coming out of Small Orphants' head and it says: "Phone in here is ripped out . . Gotta call th' police . . . There's a phone in the kitchen . . ." There you are. I was right - dirty work is afoot. Still, that's not much to go on, so we better continue and see if we can fig- ger out who the culprits are. You'll notice I call them culprits. Dr. Craig calls them protagon- 10 ists, so you can do what you want. I mean I just sort of go for culprits, myself, but, . . . . crooks might do. Or thugs. Well, take your choice. In the next picture 01' Or- phant is going down this dark hallway, on the way to the kit- chen, I'd imagine, but all of a sudden she sees these men with guns in their hands and she ducks back in a doorway just in the nick of time. She's pretty scared, because she's got her eyes wide open and her hair is sort of sticking up . . . but come to think of it, her eyes are al- ways wide open, so . . . well, she's scared, anyhow. We'll leave it at that. Another big balloon is coming up and it says: "E-e-e . .those guys! Th' gang "Dad- dy" died tryin' to get away from . .Th' ones who tried t' kill me!" - Well now. I guess the picture is pretty clear now, buster. I'd think. This "Daddy" person she's talking about is ol' Daddy War- monger, who is the richest man in the world and looks like Pres- ident Eisenhower (These last two facts are not necessarily con- nected) and who is evidently de- ceased. In the next picture, it appears that these men with guns (there are 3 of 'em) have heard some noise made by Small Orphant, because they are peering down the dark hallway and brandish- ing their weapons. There are three balloons coming up now- one for each man - they say, respectfully: "What was that? It scurried!"; "Bah! Mice . . . Rats Who cares?"; "He was hit . . He bled . . . He could not go far." Awright. The 'scurried' bit re- fers to Small O, who is just nat- urally the scurrying type, you know, but this other fellow don't think so. He thinks it's rodents. The third guy isn't even paying attention. He seems very determ- ined to finish off this 'He', who was hit, is bleeding, and who could not go far. This 'He' could be a rodent, but I don't think so. Hummmmmm. I don't know. Anyhow, I'll say one thing right here. Those three guys are the Culprits, that's what, and I'll dare anybody to disprove it. IN THE APRIL issue of Pag- eant, there are a collection of children's essays put together by H. Allen Smith. Here is one of the more ridiculous ones. I WORSHIP YOU Chapter One The weeds moved slightly. An Indian crept along cruching clos- er and closer to the recked plane. All of a sudden he turned around and beconed to someone. A whole groope of Indians then appered waving their spears wildily. What this Golden bird that come out of sky? him say. The leader said to cut of metel. make plenty good spear heads. Just then a tribes man gave a scream. look in the rocks he cried pointing to a hollow place near the plane. Their in it was a small girl. Mabe she a god and is to curse our tribe for taking her great golden bird he exclaimed." Mabe. We'll never know. THE BIRDS START singing at 5 a.m. Every morning - 5 a. m. I know a guy who eats raisin sandwiches. That's right - rai- sin sandwiches. Let me tell you about it. Last month this friend of mine who's in the Air Force got a two-week leave, and since I usually get out of class at about 1 or 2 in the afternoon, on this particular day I decided to drive over and see this guy and find out how Uncle Sam was treating him and all that garbage. After he let me in the door we exchanged pleasantries and he informed me that he was eating lunch and watching TV, but that he would be finished soon, and that at that time we would adjourn to further fields and see how the beer was hold- ing out. This rather enjoyable decision having been reached, we sat down in front of the TV set, he to watch Tennessee Ernie and finish his lunch, and me to watch Tennessee Ernie and smoke a cigarette. I noticed he had these four enormous sandwiches which he was washing down with milk, and as the prospect of a little mid-afternoon something-or-oth- er didn't seem entirely unlikely, I began wondering just what them sandwiches had been built out of. I figgered that even though this friend of mine isn't particu- larly known for unreasonable displays of generosity, there was at least a 8 to 5 chance that I might be offered to help devour a sandwich or two, and I wanted to know what I was getting into before hand. So I wouldn't have to backtrack, you know. Well, I studied them sand- wiches from all angles, but I couldn't make heads or tails out of them. They looked like sar- dines one second and dried beef the next, but that's all I could figger, and the more I studied, the more them sandwiches were disappearing. By this time I was getting all into a sweat for a sandwich, and had decided not to leave without one, and as my chances of getting one were 11 dropping fast, I decided to plunge on in. "Hay Leonard," says I, "what's in them sambitches?" "Huh?" He was concentrating on one of Tennessee's soap com- mercials. "Them sambitches. What they made out of?" "Hummmmm . . . oh. Raisins." "No-no, dammit - them sam- bitches. What's in 'em?" "Raisins. Whatsa matter. You deaf?" "Oh hell, Leonard, cut it out. I just want to know whats-" "Here - look for yourself." He shoved one at me. And by Gosh, them sand- wiches were made out of raisins. Raisins yet. At first I was just stunned, then I started laughing like a madman. I rolled around on the floor holding my gut and beating on the furniture. Raisins. I like to died. And every time I started to run down, I'd take a look at this hurt expression on ol' Leonard's face, and off I'd go again. I must have laughed for ten minutes. After I finally got quieted down, I got to thinking that in my time I had heard of and eat- en some amazing sandwiches, but never in my life had I run across anybody who made them out of raisins. Leonard explained in a very dignified tone that raisin sand- wiches were very time-saving and nutritious, and that he ate them all the time. At his urging, I finally tried one, and you know, it didn't taste too bad. Sort of different, but not bad at all. I'll tell you one thing though. The damn beer sure tasted strange that afternoon. That does it. Adios you mothaff -Dick Noel TELEVISION'S FABULOUS "Ozark Jubilee" The Ozark Jubilee network television program didn't begin in the Ozarks at all. Instead, it took to the air for the first time over ABC-TV from right here in Columbia. In December, 1954, when the show's producers, Crossroads TV Productions of Springfield, got the green light from New York network officials to ready their Country Music program for the national viewing audience, it was discovered that nearly four months would be required for the construction of microwave link- age between the Ozark city and existing network lines, and ABC had specified that the show should have its first telecast just four weeks later. So, with a convoy of cars, trucks and chartered buses, the cast and crew of Ozark Jubilee journeyed out of the hills each Saturday and all the way to the studios of KOMU-TV for the first 15 weeks of the program's history. The Springfieldians would leave their homes at five o'clock Sat- urday morning and usually not return until the wee small hours of Sunday: a rough way to spend a weekend, it's true, figuring that they did nearly 12 hours of traveling and eight hours of re- hearsal - but their efforts gave birth to what is today one of tel- evision's most popular programs. Ozark Jubilee's audience is currently estimated at 20 million, and the show is seen on 118 sta- tions. The Armed Forces uses films of the program to entertain servicemen overseas. In the past 12 months alone, 80,000 persons came from outside Missouri to see the Jubilee in person at Springfield's Jewell theatre, making the program one of the Show-Me state's greatest tourist attractions. Fan mail av- erages 5,000 letters a week, with Pennsylvania ranking first, Ohio second, California third and Mis- souri fourth. In show business circles, Ozark Jubilee has become widely ac- cepted as the proving ground for tomorrow's stars. Sonny James, who emceed his own monthly half-hour portion of the show for nearly a year, recently became OZARK JUBILEE ABC Television Network Originating in Springfield, Mo. the entertainment world's newest sensation, selling over two mil- lion records of "Young Love." And Brenda Lee, the 12-year-old Georgia peach who was discov- ered by the Jubilee's Red Foley, is the most talked about new child performer since Judy Gar- land. Brenda, who makes her home in Springfield and appears regularly on Ozark Jubilee, trav- els thousands of miles each month on personal appearances and fre- quently guests on the Perry Como and Steve Allen programs. Jim Lowe, the Springfield physician's son and MU alumnus who gained great popularity in recent months, premiered his song, "The Green Door," on the Jubilee, and both Betty Johnson and Patsy Cline introduced their soon-to-be hits, "I Dreamed" and "Walking Af- ter Midnight," in front of the ABC-TV cameras in Springfield. As for Red Foley, he ranks in fame and prestige with Cros- by and Como; his record sales have now exceeded 27,000,000 copies. And Foley has found the same kind of warm friendliness in the people of the Ozarks that he knew as a boy in his home state of Kentucky. Undoubtedly, the Ozarks can well be proud of the television program that carries its name to the world. Its colorful dancing, light-and-lively music and home- spun comedy are an All-Ameri- can favorite. Frosty's Ozark Reptile Gardens Stuckey's Candy Shoppe Plan That Ozark Wingding! The "Dragon of the Ozarks", the natives' pet name for the giant Lake of the Ozarks, is only one of hundreds of vacation-student-weekend at- tractions. The surrounding country is a part of the vast territory known as the foothills of the Ozark Mountains and has a very rugged and rolling topography. The Lake area is versatile and comparatively low-priced (suitable for student pocketbooks) and offers everything from boating and fishing to scenery and historic spots of interest. This vast man-made playground area was brought about by the construction of a private power dam on the Osage River in 1930. This great lake, one hundred twenty-nine miles long with 1300 miles of shoreline and a surface area of 64,000 acres, has developed into a major vacation center. The valley now covered by the Lake of the Ozarks was once the home and hunting ground of the mighty Osage Indians. Even today along the many feeder streams one can still see traces of their burial mounds and rock cairns. Prior to the inun- dation of the valley several of the bluffs bore col- ored pictographs depicting events of tribal signifi- cance. Even as late as 1928 some of the descen- dants of these tribes made annual pilgrimages to the land of their forefathers to hold ceremonial pow-wows beneath the towering limestone bluffs. Blessed with a long vacation season which be- gins with the opening of the fishing season on March 15 and ends with the closing of the quail season on January 1, the Lake of the Ozarks is enjoyed by many who find it impossible to take their vacation during June, July and August. Even before the leaves appear on the trees and the first spring flowers have just made their appearance, a steady flow of transcontinental trav- elers drop in for a day or two stopover. Because of its location, people returning to the northeast- ern states from a winter vacation in the great southwest find a few days of rest enroute enjoy- able. Then, in late March and through April, the highways are clogged on weekends with nature lovers making their annual pilgrimage through the Ozarks during the redbud and dogwood sea- son. Again in the Fall, the nature lovers return for a drive through the wooded hills during the "Flaming Fall Review" of color which occurs dur- ing mid-October. The tortuous shoreline and innumerable coves make it possible for thousands of visitors to be on the lake and still enjoy a high degree of pri- vacy. The valleys which heretofore confined the meandering Osage River now curb the lapping waves of the lake, and offer sheltering solace to the timid or uncertain water enthusiast. In con- trast to its narrow width, which offers a high meas- ure of safety and makes it suitable for youth group camps, the more adventurous can find all that their hearts desire in the one hundred twenty-nine mile length, with a different vista and new point of scenic beauty around each of the many bends. Although the country surrounding the Lake of the Ozarks is sparsely populated, this territory is readily accessible from all parts of the state by means of the State Highway system as shown on the map. Important to all travelers is the subject of food. In the Lake region the favorite Missouri dishes of country-cured ham, cornbread, fried chicken, frog legs and catfish predominate. For the traveler who wishes, "city vittals" are avail- able. To keep pace with the times, landing strips have been developed around the lake for the fly- ing sportsmen. "Students and tourists, your accommodations are available and waiting . . . so, pack your 'gear' . .and join us here . . . in Missouri, where the 'latch-string' is always out." BAGNELL DAM AREA Bagnell Dam is located on U.S. Highway 54, 42 miles southwest of Jefferson City, capital of Missouri. This is the starting point of the great Lake of the Ozarks, where the dam was constructed to hold back the Osage river and its tributaries, and is also the location of one of the many great vacation areas around the lake. This area is readily accessible to all, over good highways, in privately owned automobiles, by pri- vate airplanes or via bus lines with regular sched- ules from Columbia. No matter what type of accommodations may be desired they can be found in this area. Modest fish- ing cottages, beautifully, scenically located, modern housekeeping cottage resorts, excellent motels or mo- tor courts or American plan hotel accommodations are available at moderate rates. A choice of location on the lake, on the highway or both on the highway and lake is a matter of your choosing. Excellent restaurants, offering full menus, serve delicious foods and fine stores of all types, groceries, markets, sporting good stores, service stations, gift shops and others are here to serve your needs. Vacation activities in this area are many and varied. Both main lake and river fishing, below the dam are offered. Scenic airplane rides, speed boat trips, cruiser trips and lake excursion trips are sched- uled daily. Row boats and outboard motor boats may be rented. Horseback riding, tennis, golf, swimming, surf boarding, water skiing and. all types of land and aquatic sports may be enjoyed. 16 Famed Lake of the Ozarks ALL PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE OZARK AREAS WITHIN THIS IS- SUE WERE TAKEN BY GERALD MASSIE AND ALL TEXT MATER- IAL HAS BEEN FURNISHED BY LESLIE KENNON, MISSOURI DIV- ISION OF RESOURCES AND DEVELOPMENT, JEFFERSON CITY, MO. SHOWME IS INDEBTED TO THEM FOR THEIR SINCERE COOP- ERATION IN PRODUCING THIS ISSUE. OSAGE BEACH-GRAND GLAIZE AREA The Osage Beach-Grand Glaize Area is located on U.S. Highway 54, six miles southwest of Bag- nell Dam. Within this district the Grand Glaize Arm of the Lake joins with the main Osage body cre- ating a picturesque, scenic part of the great Lake of the Ozarks country. This community, referred to by its residents as the Heart of the Vacation Area, offers a wide range of facilities for the vacationist. Many modern cottage resorts are located on the lake, a short distance from the highway and easily reached on good all weather lake roads. Fine restaurants are located throughout the dis rict and in addition there are grocery stores, mar- kets, gift shops and other stores for your convenience. A drive-in theater, for your evening pleasure, is located within this district. This area is also the home of Radio Station KRMS "your Lake of the Ozark Station". Vacation activities are many and varied. Restful vacations amid nature's scenic splendor to vacations for the most active sports enthusiasts are offered. Speed boat trips, cruiser trips, scenic air- plane rides and excursions are scheduled daily. Many of the resorts have docks with boats and mo- tors available. All types of land and aquatic sports are available. Surf boarding, water skiing, boating, horseback riding and others plus two excellent golf courses within a few miles drive. There are fishing services with guide service available. Fishing in this area varies from stream fishing in the upper Glaize, to fishing in the many coves and inlets in the main Glaize and in the main lake. The Cham- ber of Commerce provides marked crappie beds for public use of all guests in the section. Cokley Cave, a beautiful new underground wonderland, was opened in this district during the past year. Resort lo- catons on coves and inlets offer peaceful relaxation at its peak. BOB'S CHICKEN KITCHEN THE DOGWOOD CAFE JACOB'S CAVE WATTS' CAMDENTON AREA REAL HORSEPITALITY AWAITS YOU! RODEO STARS CHAMPION COWBOYS Rex Allen and his horse Ko- ko, of movie and TV fame, will star in the Sixth Annual J-Bar- H Championship Rodeo to be held at Camdenton, Mo., in July. Among those competing for the $12,100 in prize money will be champion cowboy Casey Tibbs. The contest events will include the wild horse race, bronc rid- ing, calf roping, steer wrestling and many other things equally exciting. Also on hand for the feature attractions will be The Frontiers- men western singers, the Rodeo Clowns and bullfighters, J. W. tSoker (world's top trick roper) and a host of others. Last year, the rodeo's attend- ance of 72,000 persons was equalled by only two other out- door rodeos in North America. And here's an interesting side- light: the only sport in America to exceed rodeos in attendance last year was professional base- ball. The rodeo arena is right smack in the beautiful Lake of the Ozarks area. So true Ozark hos- pitality can be expected. Camdenton, the hub city of the Lake of the Ozarks, is lo- cated on U.S. Highway 54 at the intersection of Highway 5, sixty miles southwest of Jefferson City and seventy-five miles northeast of Springfield. Camdenton may be reached on excellent highways by privately own cars, via bus lines or by privately owned airplanes. The city has a very good community airport located on Highway 5 just three miles from town. Located within this area is scenic Bridal Cave. Situated on the Niangua Arm of the Lake, easily accessible by either water or road, in a picturesque setting, the cave is acknowledged to be one of the most beautiful in America. 6th Annual J Bar H Rodeo of Champions Bridal Cave Italian Village PARAMOUNT RECREATION By Herb Segelhorst Ol' John Ain't WHY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN PUT OFF UNTIL THE DAY AFTER TOMOR- ROW? Old Ozark Saying Just Thought Up Have you ever wondered what our forefathers would say if they could come back and see how everyone is striving to save enough money to buy their wife a fur coat as good as Mrs. Jones has . . . when all they had to wear way back when was their skin? Everyone dreams of some day saving enough money to have a little place in the country with maybe a few chickens and a cow plus lots of time to go fishing and hunting . . with no financial worries. There are some people who achieve most of the goals that we hold dear without ever going through the difficult process of saving money to do it. Of course, along with these goals there are some, shall we say, minor diffi- culties along the way. But perhaps I should give you a little background. My home community is on the edge of the Ozarks with the hillbilly influence running along the ridges like the fingers of a gigantic hand. Each hill is sort of a micro- culture in itself. On this particular hill about three miles from our house lives one of the more unusual families. They are still living in the late 19th Century and apparently en- joying it very much. They might well be called the Paw Kettles of Pen Ridge. Their home is very modest with chickens walking in and out at will . . . generally thought to be the neighbors' chickens. Which brings me to my first meeting with John Lampke, the head of the house. This happened when I was about 14. One night about 11 o'clock our German Shepherd dog started barking like he had something treed up in the woods behind the house. My dad and I went out to check. Sure enough he did. It was a badly shaken John Lampke. At the foot of the tree was a bag of chickens. Upon questioning, John ex- plained how he was trading cock- erals for new breeding stock with a neighbor. Got Ulcers Time passed and little was heard from the John Lampke family. One day, several years later, John came charging up the road in his 1923 Model T. Ford. All out of breath, he asked for a ladder and assistance. He explained that his wife had fallen into the cis- tern. We loaded up the ladder and drove over. Sure enough, here was John's gentle little wife standing neck deep in water and cussing a blue streak. Now John's not much a one for maintenance of property. His wife was lowering the butter in- to the cistern to cool. The board across the cistern broke, thus af- fording the good woman her first contact with fresh water since she had last been caught in the rain. John's not too tidy himself. Customarily, his uniform is ov- eralls no longer blue but rather a shiny gray from at least six months previous wear. He tops that off with an old Army hat and shoes that look like medium sized gunboats. He rediscovers his razor and its purpose about every two months. After the cistern episode. I didn't have any direct contact with John until one day last spring. We met as he was going to town and I was coming home. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes. And after giving me a brief synopsis on his latest fishing trip and how the spring wheat was looking, we somehow got on the subject of his car. Now John is very proud of the mechanical perfection of his con- veyance and of his son's ability to keep it in this condition of ex- cellence. It was the aforementioned Ford, without top or windshield and one front wheel that is no longer round but sorta elliptical, in fact approaching square. The fender over this wheel . . . well, it is no more. John explained that during the course of the winter his son had overhauled the engine. Says it took most of the month of Feb- ruary but he sure did a fine job. He told me to come on and hop in for a ride. By this time John had assum- ed the position of nose-through- spoke, flicked on the key and stomped the starter which mere- ly went "kommmmp". "Hey Herb, would you mind giving her tail a little pull, seems like the battery is low, maybe it's old, let me see, nope, bought it in the summer of '35. Sure make stuff pitifully poor nowa- days." 25. After many turns of the Arm- strong starter, by me, the fine machine finally blasted out and we took off in a lurch. With the mild knock of loose piston rods we bounced down the road on the elliptical wheel. It immediately seemed neces- sary to grab that which seemed secure . . . namely, the door han- dle. It came off. I was convinced that John's car was in great shape. Now John and his family are certainly not to be pitied. They seemed to enjoy their way of life. In fact, I have never ever seen John when he was in a bad mood or, for that matter, I never heard of any of the family hav- ing a sick day. As far as financial worries are concerned, there simply aren't any. Seeing as how the neighbors always have some chickens. How about you? End Indian "Head" Lodge ...the voice of the ozark turtle. The Beach at Osage Beach! The Fountain Motel Sudden Service Cleaners and Shirt Laundry The teacher in a little back- woods school was at the black- board explaining arithmetic prob- lems, and was delighted to see that the gangling lad, her dullest pupil, was giving slackjawed at- tention. She was thrilled that at last he was beginning to under- stand, so when she had finished she said to him, "You were so interested, Emmett, that I'm cer- tain you want to ask some ques- tions." "Yes'm," drooled Emmett. "I got one to ask - where do them figures go when you rub 'em out?" Shirley Palmer The perfect accessory For that Ozark vacation The Showme state this proves Has the cutest in the nation Photos by Joe Van Trump THE JOURNALIST'S Creed Thurlow Part VIII ARROWHEAD LODGE 1. Gawsh! This school barn 'ud sure hold a lotta hay! 2. Met some uh the home folks at Stephen's (but you wouldn't recog- nize Orabelle Sue Sontag. She don't speak ta me now.) . . . 3. They gave me a room but some- thin' made me suspicious, 4. The University was right under- standin' about a change and now I'm comfortably settled . . 5. Some of them citified folks took my old room . . 6. Ya gotta have wheels to make out . . . 7. (Any kind of wheels) . . . 8. My teacher likes me . . . 9. But I ain't overstudyin', 'cause bein' a curve-raiser is as dangerous as livin between the Martins and the Coys . . . 10. But I'm sure glad other kinds of curves was raised - HOT DAMN! 11. These jumpin' snappin' college girls got all sorts of equality . . 12. But basically they'se the same as home. 13. They got a big barn where'n you c'n check out catalogues . . . 14. To read in your dorm . . . 15. Girls ignore you on Monday . . . 16. But their right friendly late Saturday . . . 17. Now and then we have a party with city corn, but it don't get too much out of hand. You can see the effects next mornin' sometimes. 18. But don't worry about me none ma, I've made lots of friends and I'm gettin' into the swing of college life. Murlin Gene Smith's Shooting Gallery Well, they tell me another column's due, so that's my cue to waste a little space (a viewpoint with which many will concur) and time. Well. Now. What's to talk about? What makes this particular ripple on the surface of eternity important enough to justify comment? Same tired old students, same tired old dog-eared and well- thumbed University, same tired old bills, same tired old state, and, thus, same tired old subject - the weather! I ask you, now honestly, hasn't this last month been the ! & @ @ &-est weather you've ever seen? If that doesn't cover the subject, you can sup- ply your own set of adjectives. Suffice it to say that this was an unjustified indig- nity of such magnitude as to legitimately re uire the professional services of a Senate subcommittee. This year the J-students have really go, it made during Journalism Week! Last year there were ten sessions, and students were required to attend nine of them. This year there are 13 sessions, and students are required to attend 11. The Powers That Be happily inform us that we're coming out to the good percentagewise. Everybody seems thrilled. I see in the campus spoof sheet that slobs are restricted to a class on campus. At the present time, this class consists of some 450,000 individuals across t h e nation. That's a lot of slobs in any lan- guage, even in glennish. This would seem to indicate that some heroic research work had been done, but personally I have more of a feeling that the author of that little piece lost the forest in the trees, or the veterans in the slobs. Maybe slobbishness is ram- pant on the campus though, since almost anything seems possible here. And then there was the woman on Jack Bailey's Queen for a Day program who wanted a red light for her front porch . . . I have a great deal of respect for MU girls, for they have a vir- tue which no similar group of coeds can boast - they can travel through Iran in absolute safety. No bandit would think of kidnap- ping them. They wouldn't bring enough on the slave block to pay for their food while in transit. There are a few notable excep- tions, of course, but in general the Glamorous American female seems to come through Columbia, and keep right on going. So now Panama wants the ca- nal. The more I think about it, the more I'm inclined to think old Ben Franklin had the right idea when he suggested the turkey be made the U.S. national bird. The eagle won out, but the turkey would have been more in character - a big, fat target, ripe for the pluck- ing! And if Gamal can do it, why not Pedro or Juan or Ivan Ivano- vitch? To quote a statement made by Nikita Kruschev, we are suf- fering from inflammation of the canal. Well, at latest count the city has created 67 new holes for us to ruin our tires on. Columbia tire stores and garages will no doubt create an Order of the Silver Spade for the street department employees who can dig the most car-shattering holes in the short- est time. They can easily afford it from the increased profits. This, of course, is just in the downtown area and does not include residen- tial areas with road surfaces clev- erly designed to pit anew every two months. For this, there is a special award for highway engi- neers. I am taking a history class. This class is called History of Imperial and Soviet Russia, and is taught by Dr. Roderick McGrew. I under- stand that McGrew also teaches such courses as European Diplo- matic History and History of the Far East and other such jewels. Actually, it is not a bad course, but the required reading list runs to some 500 titles, plus three outside book reports and the title should be Marathon Reading 302. I fig- ure that with the co-operation of library workers, I can finish read- ing all that stuff by about May of 1968. It would be a breeze if you read English, German, French and Russian and subscribe to the Des- toevsky-Lao Tzu Historical Review. All you lovers take warning! Find your own place to park. I have been informed by a juvenile acquaintance that the Hickman boys have a gay pastime. It seems they all pile into the fastest car they have and go 'coon hunting in the evenings. He defined this as meaning that they visit all the fa- vorite moon viewing spots, jump out of the car, yank open the door, make some bright comment, and leave - rapidly! This sort of thing could ruin your evening. I understand (through I.N.S.) that one of the Moslem high church muckety-mucks has come out against modern women's clothing. He says it is too seductive, too tempting and leads men to sinful thoughts. It is against religion. He shouldn't worry too much about it. After all, most of the poor girls need all the help they can get to hook a husband, and that's the most successful thing they've tried so far. And what did you think of Jef- ferson Day? Great! People meet- ing people, "Hi, Jane, did you go to the speech?" "Hi, Bill, no, I went to the Union. Did you go?" "No, I went over to the M-Bar." All thanks to old Tom. One of the funniest things I've seen lately happened in the Union one night. I was sitting there with Briggle the Wiggle and the illus- trious editor of the Maneater and we were watching these arrested juveniles rub against one another as Elvis wailed to his Houn' Dawg buddy. This finally got to the Maneater. He went over and pick- ed a number on the box, came back and sat down. It started out nice and smooth and they all flocked onto the floor. Suddenly the music faded down and was re- placed by the hot beat of a jungle drum. All the wigglers just sort of ran down in jerks, looked at each other, and had to give up! Great. George the Bartender is greet- ing customers these days with the phrase, "The wind blows for no- thing-how much do you charge?" Have you been tapped? Will you be tapped? Hake sure you are. It's an experience you won't want to miss. Anyplace else you can be pinched, poked, prodded, shafted, touched, tickled . . . but only here can you be tapped. Aren't you glad you came? I have learned that there is some feeling over at Stephens that I am undermining their underpin- ning with comments such as those about the Four-Fold Girl. Tsk, tsk. They fail to realize that the trouble with the United States now is that the under-pinning isn't loose enough as it is. This would be a boon to everybody. Think of the shot in the arm it would give the revival meeting! Well, the deadline is now, and I am saved for another month. So long, and remember . . . watch out for that poison ivy! 39 TRY THE KEG THE HI FI HOUSE CHUCK WAGON RESTAURANT the novus shop Swami's Snorts An Ozark mother stuck her head out the door. "Zeke, May- belle, what are you doin?" "We're petting, Ma." "That's nice children. Don't fight." Rockabye baby In the tree top Better not fall, It's a helluva drop. For years Zeke slept under bridges and in ditches. Then one day he switched to culverts and became a man of distinction. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick, Somebody show Jack to the men's room. The backwoodsman passed away and the preacher came to his wife to get some information about the poor man to use in his eulogy at the funeral. "Is he a Mason or an Elk? Did he be- long to the Chamber of Com- merce or the Ku Klux Klan?" The bereaved wife asked, "What's the Ku Klux Klan?" The preacher explained, "Well, I guess you might say that's the devil under a sheet." With a timid smile, she said, "THAT he was!" Luke: I know a man who has been married for thirty years and he spends every evening at home. Ruby Pearl: That's what I call love. "The doctor calls it paralysis." Dad: Son, I'm going to tell you a story. Four-year-old: Okay, but keep it clean. The old lady may be lis- tening. Is that our true position, Navi- gator? Yes sir. You're sure? Yessir. Then take off your hat. We're in Westminster Abbey. The lumber camp foreman put a newly hired farm boy to work stacking wood beside the shiz- zing circular saw. As he started to walk away, he heard an "Ouch!" and turned to see the country boy looking puzzledly at a stump of a finger. Rushing back, he asked what happened. "I dunno," said the boy, "I stuck my hand out like this and - well, I'll be damned, there goes an- other one." A man waiting to order his din- ner in a restaurant spotted this sign on the wall, "If we cannot serve what you order, we will pay you $1000." When the waiter came he ordered a fried ele- phant's ear on a bun. "African or Indian elephant," said the waiter. "Well, African I suppose." About five minutes later, the waiter returned, laughing. "You win, sir," he said, "we're out of buns." Two little German boys were walking through the mountains with their mother. As one of them suddenly pushed her off a cliff, he chortled to the other, "Look Hans, no ma!" One, two Have a brew Three, four Have some more Five, six Have a fix Seven, eight It's too late Nine, ten In the pen. Jim Willie: Drink broke up my home. Tom Jack: Couldn't stop it? Jim Willie: No, the damn still exploded. Motel Meldon STARK CAVERNS DEER FARM ADAM'S CAFE ANDY'S CORNER A traveling salesman was re- lating an adventure to a friend. "I opened my door and saw the farmer's beautiful daughter lying on my bed." "What did you do?" "The only thing I could do - called her father and had him take her out. What would you have done? "The same thing you did, but I wouldn't lie about it." A young fellow once took his dainty grandmaw to see the road- show "Tobacco Road." After the first two profane acts, the little old lady was groping under her seat. "What's the matter, Grandma?" asked the boy. "Oh," she said, "I've lost my goddamn program." "How about going out with me Saturday?" "I have a date Saturday." "Then let's make it Sunday." "I'm going out Sunday, too." "How about Monday?" "All right, dammit, I'll go Sat- urday." Variation On A Mood BY LAUREL EASTLAND She was very drunk. I sat half on, half off the plas- tic stool, my back to the bar watching her. She was huddled in the corner of a large semi- circular booth, thoughtfully mak- ing rings on the table with her glass. Periodically, she paused to push strands of hair from her face. My eyes from habit focused carefully on a spot just to the left of her so I wouldn't be directly staring. And then I started the game. You see, from nine to three every night I blow my brains out with a trumpet in a hole in the wall on Bourbon St. . . the kind of place tourists hit by accident. I stand and look in the darkness where light beams rays into quiet irises of cosmopolitanism and I am sorry. I try to shutter my eyes by tilting my head, but it isn't that easy. My music is just reaching the edge of their fore- heads. And, by the time I get through, as much as I'd like to throw myself down the equally damning rathole of sleep, I'm so nervous I have to stop by Tor- teriche's Bar on Ponchartrain on my way home to deaden the pain. I sit here, drinking a last one and watching the people. I let my mind fasten itself on the sandy- eyed present and the show goes on. Once it was a couple trying to dance. The man was obviously against the whole thing, but the girl kept moving around on the floor, forcing him to move, too. Even when the jukebox was feeling for records, she kept it up - shuffling, swaying, sprad- 43 dling. And with each changing tempo, they danced in the same way, she just moving, he jogging to a beat something like a square dance. There was no synchroni- zation, like they had just passed each other by accident and hap- pened to clasp hands as a differ- ent melody swung through indi- vidual minds. Last night it was a habitual alcoholic, his head rolling to the rhythm he made in cupping his outstretched hands around his drink and moving it in patterns on the bar. He was making the only drink he could afford last as long as possible by playing with it. He would keep his eyes on it constantly, tipping it one way, then the other. He would stop, then, and stare at it. Fin- ally he would take a drink. In a way, he was making love . . . first the byplay, then the climax . . . rushing in a torrent of sweet- ness and sorrow that groped un- til the fingers spread and closed into the flower of a fist. But now it was the girl. I won- dered if she was waiting for someone. At 4 a.m.? I guess not. I'd seen a lot like her . . . I'd be lost in a variation on a mood song and suddenly I'd see some- one in the audience who felt it, too. Usually a woman, usually drunk. She'd be completely apart from her group, slipped through the sound into a silver stare, just listening. I'd play to her for awhile, then forget myself again. This one was typical - hair swept sveltely back on one side, hugging her face on the other. Her green cocktail dress fitted closely all the way down to just above her knees, then flared to reveal crossed legs almost invis- ibly stockinged. If she had been standing her shoes would have made her three inches taller. I guess I'd been watching her about twenty minutes when she noticed me. She had raised the glass and, tipping it to drink, had unveiled her eyes. God! They were green, green. No, it wasn't just the dress. They really were green. I half-way smiled. Automatic- (Over) ally she turned away, then just as automatically looked back. She didn't smile, she only looked. I sat there for a minute. Then, deliberately, I turned to the bar. I wanted her to work at it. I could see her face in the mirror, still expressionless, resuming her ritual with the glass. Okay, okay, I said to myself, angry for believing I was desirable enough to make her do something ob- vious to attract me. I whirled from the stool. "Hi," I said. She didn't look up. I slid in on the opposite side of the semi-circle. Then her eyes (green green green) lifted and I could feel even in the seeming apathy something rising. "Well," I whispered. "Oh, what the hell," she said in a tired voice, "Let's go." End It is still not too late for you to join these four beauties who plan to enter the "Miss Missouri" con- test! Entry blanks are available at the main desk of the Student Un- ion. You need not have attended the SHOWME contest entrance pro- gram. Under Junior Chamber of Com- merce auspices, the St. Louis area preliminaries will be held in late May, when six poised, talented young ladies will be chosen to represent this area in the June 22nd "Miss Missouri Pageant," competing with finalists from ev- ery major town in Missouri!! The Webster Groves Junior Chamber of Commerce, responsi- ble for the Miss America Prelimi- nary in Missouri, has announced over $2,000.00 in scholarships, awards, and all-expense travel to be awarded at the pageant. competing for the title of "Miss Convertible for Miss Missouri's personal use during her reign, a wardrobe, luggage, a resort-tour of Missouri, over $2,000.00 in schol- arships and awards . . . and an all-expense week in Atlantic City Awards will include a new Dodge America" ($100,000.00) and the $30,000.00 in scholarships awarded annually at the national finals. LARRY'S OZARK TRADING POST Still Not Too Late. TIGER BEAUTIES WILL TRY FOR "MISS MISSOURI" Elizabeth Norton Nurse's Residence Simone Greene Johnston Hall 44 Phyllis Ellenbracht Gamma Phi Beta CASINO DOCK at Bagnell Dam Lynn Hargus Gamma Phi Beta Roseann Teri, reigning "Miss Missouri," lett, and Jackie Eichelber- ger, contestant in new 1957 "Miss Missouri Scholarship Pageant" . . . try out flashy new convertible which will be presented to "Miss Mis- souri 1957" for her personal use during her reign. Under Junior Chamber of Commerce auspices, the St. Louis area preliminaries will be held in late May. Girls interested in entering should contact Mrs. Rosemary Patrick, registrar, Miss Missouri Scholarship Pageant, 5855 Robert Ave., St. Louis 9, Missouri, or pick up a SHOWME direct entry blank at the main desk of the Student Union by the coffee shop. 45 That There City Girl by Noel Tomas You'd think that there'd be a law against them and that's what I tell'd ma, only she up and laughed at me and says I've got a lotta things ta learn about girls. And then I asked pa fer advice on the subject and he comes out and tell'd me that he ain't been able ta figger them out and he's been married ta one since I wasn't even thought of. Well, bein' sixteen and havin' been in contacts with two of them there critters, as pa al- ways calls them, and them livin' on the next farm 'bout three miles from ours, I figgers I'm becomin' an expert on them. I'm talkin' 'bout girls case ya didn't know. I figgers pa ain't so smart if he's never been able to figger ma out and them bein' tagether fer so long now. And I don't think ma's so hard ta figger out, not fer me anyways. I'm the only other man around the house, so one of us better be able ta fig- ger her out. I don't have no sis- ters either. Pa says I'm lucky 'cause I don't know what I'm missin'. He's had three. It all started when Eileen, who lives at the farm I told ya was near ours, well, she invites her city cousin, Jeanne, ta stay with her fer the summer. Now that's the whole start of the trouble, that there city girl! Ya see, I used ta always go fishin' and ridin' and huntin' with Bart who's Eileen's brother. That was before Eileen and me started goin' steady. Bart's got more horse sense than she has, he bein' fourteen and her bein' only thirteen. Now that's my A STORY CONTEST ENTRY 46 opinion so don't go spreadin' it all around. Personally, I think all boys has more sense than girls and I even told Eileen that once and she says I'm partial 'cause I'm a boy and she didn't speak ta me fer a week. That never bothered me much anyway 'cause then I didn't spend any of my allowance on her fer the movies in Ayrshire which is the nearby town ta our farm, 'bout six miles away. I don't know why I take her out all the time, but goin' steady usually requires havin' only two people, one girl and one guy. Anyways, her folks and mine figger it's all right and Eileen and me get along pretty good most of the time. I kinda like her a lot at times and always do my ridin' with her. And I get a kick out af the way she handles her horse, a chestnut bay. She rides him bare back and guides him by pullin' his mane from side ta side. Now I use my saddle horse, and I use a saddle and reins, not that I'm a sissy ta ride bare back, but I've got sense 'cause someday Eileen's gonna get hurt. I keep tellin' her that, but like a girl, she don't listen none and will race on ahead a me with the bay's tail straight out and her own yella pony-tail just as straight. That's the ONLY thing I can't figger out in a girl, why she won't take advice when a guy's tryin' ta be helpful. Well, it seems that when Jeanne came in from Des Moines, which is a city only a couple a hundred miles southeast of our farm, I had ta figger that there city girl out 'cause she was build- in' trouble between Eileen and me. I had ridden over ta Eileen's farm and got off my horse to go ta the house ta see if she wanted ta go ridin' when that there city girl comes out pattin' back her brown hair and grinnin' like a toothpaste ad on Highway 30. She comes up ta me, within inches mind ya, closer than I care ta let any girl 'cept Eileen come, and she says, in a city drawl that those city people seem ta always have, "You're Hankie, Eileen's one and only. I'm Jeanne, and you're going to be my one and only too." Well, I was flabbergasted (that's one of ma's big words)! My face must a turned red 'cause I could feel it burnin' and then Jeanne goes and takes my arm and starts walkin' me ta the house. And she had the darndest nerve ta say I shouldn't be afraid of her 'cause she wouldn't bite. All I could choke up was I wasn't afraid of no girl and I tried ta get her ta let go when I seen Eileen at the door. Eileen seemed ta be frowning some when she came out and she looked mean like fer just a sec- ond at Jeanne. And then she glanced down at Jeanne's red red shorts, which I was afraid ta mention before because they looked awful tight, like they was gonna split. And then Eileen says fer Jeanne ta put on dungarees like Eileen's if she wanted ta go ridin' with us. So Jeanne runs her hands over her shorts and on her bare legs and looks up at me and says they're cooler and wondered if she'd really have ta change. She suggested ridin' double with me since she wasn't sure how ta ride, but Eileen says "nothing doing" 'cause she knows Jeanne can ride. Jeanne gives her a quick look and turns back ta me and says not fer me ta do anything she wouldn't do until she gets back. I went over ta Eileen, shruggin' my shoulders, and I asked her what Jeanne meant. Eileen said not ta pay her any mind. I could see that this was gon- na, be some humdinger of a ride when Bart comes walkin' his horse our way. I looked at Eileen, but she didn't say nothing ex- cept that three's a crowd and four's company and she preferred company. We finally got goin' and every- thin' went along with a kinda chill hangin' in the air. Jeanne had been ridin' close ta my side when Eileen wanted to race and I said nothin' doin', she looked hurt and called me a scaredy cat. Bart was willin' ta race and took out after his sister at a fast gal- lop. This left Jeanne and me alone which I didn't care for. She suggested we ride back to- ward the artificial lake near our place and I said okay since I seen Eileen and Bart headin' back. I took a quick glance at Jeanne and noticed she was as pretty as Eileen only I was stuck on Eileen 'cause I am partial 'bout girls from the farm. As I looked back at Jeanne, I noticed she looked older than Eileen. Ya can tell they're older by the way they put on their lipstick, care- ful like, as though they've been doin' it a while. Well, I asked Jeanne how old she was and she says she's as old as Eileen which was hard fer me ta believe since she looked as old as some of the senior girls in my high school. And when we reached the lake, Jeanne looks back ta see how far off Eileen and Bart are and she tells me ta follow her. She rides into the trees which surround the lake and gets off her horse. I do the same, hopin' that Eileen and Bart hurry up and get here. Then Jeanne walks over ta me and takes my hand and kinda guides me ta the lake side. We sits ourselves down in the foot high grass and Jeanne looks at me and smiles and brings her head close ta mine. "Don'tcha want to kiss me," she says, closin' her eyes and puckerin'. "Look. I think we better get goin'," I say, shakily, and I try ta put down that lump in my throat and a voice that seems ta say, "Hank, yer a fool not ta!" "Come on, Hankie. You're not afraid of girls, are you?" she coaxes, which burns me up. "Quit callin' me Hankie! The name's Hank and I'm not afraid of girls!" With that, I take her in my arms and kiss her hard. Jeanne wraps her arms around me tight and kisses back real hard too. The lipstick tasted sweet and Jeanne smelled real good, not like the hogs Eileen's pa raises. Well, we must've kissed fer a good five minutes and we broke up when I heard a noise behind (Over) To Encourage Student Writing Showme Supplement 47 us, away from where our horses was tied. Then I heard hoof beats ridin' off or ridin' past, I didn't know which and I didn't care right then since I was feelin' weak. We sat smilin' at each other and then Jeanne taKes off her ridin' boots and socks and sticks her feet in the water. With a lit- tle of her pleadin', I do the same and Jeanne snuggles up close ta me, closer than I let - I guess I told ya that before. Well, what Jeanne comes out with next knocked the ground out from un- der me. She'd suggested goin' in swimmin' and I told her I didn't have a suit. Well, she says "Who needs a suit?" Ya see how easy it is ta figger out girls? All us guys know they lead ya into things. Well, I told her I wasn't about ta go in swimmin' in the raw. And then she says, I won't be the only one, and I about died of embar- rassment. She tells me they call it "skinny dippin' " way out East and she figgers if boys go swim- min' in the raw, girls can too. Well, I was fit ta be tied and I was burnin' out light bulbs try- in' ta think a way out 'cause if I listened ta Jeanne any longer, I know'd I'd be goin' swimmin' out of curiosity and if pa ever found out, he wouldn't spare that two inch wide cowhide belt a his. Jeanne was 'bout ready ta un- button her blouse while she was callin' me girl-scared and burn- in' me up so's I was ready ta pull my shirt off, when Bart comes ridin' in and says we'd better get home. Jeanne looked scared fer a minute and I 'bout flipped. Jeanne rode on ahead while Bart rode beside me and kept lookin' at me real odd like. He told me Eileen had seen what I and Jeanne was doin' by the lake and Eileen was cryin' ta beat all get out when he left her. And I thought he meant she had seen us startin' ta get undressed when Bart says I shouldn't a kissed Jeanne. Was I relieved! I told Bart Jeanne was kissin' me 'cause I figger a little lyin' won't hurt nothin' here and Jeanne won't say anythin'. I was a bit scared of facin' Eileen, but I figgered I could handle her. Then Bart told me ta get rid a the lipstick on my mouth, which I did. At the farm, we met Eileen by the stables. She was a little red around the eyes, but she seemed real cheerful. Bart was standin' by her by now and askin' her what made her change her mind. I couldn't figger out what he was drivin' at and I was more con- cerned in what Jeanne was tell- in' Eileen. "We were going swimming in the raw," she said, real sassy like, but Eileen didn't say any- thin' except that it sounded like it would have been fun, which 'bout knocked me fer a loop hear- in' it come from Eileen. I had ta figger fast ta keep up ta my girl, so I figgered she was being real polite like ta her city cousin since I know all along that Eileen was more intelligent than that there city girl. Eileen comes walkin' slowly up ta me where I'm sittin' on the fence and then I notice her dun- garee shorts, which I didn't know she owned, and I almost fell off the fence! They was just like Jeanne's shorts, m fit that is. Well, Eileen rests her head on her arm, which is restin' on my knee, and she smiles at me and asks me when I'm takin' her ta the movies again. She says it real loud too and she looks so cute ta me that I hafta lift her chin. That's when I feel a desire ta kiss her 'cause now I figger I know why I like her over Jeanne and that's Eileen's kisses which are soft and yet electric like. I didn't kiss her though 'cause I save that fer when we're alone. So I say that we'd better go tomorrow night, which is Friday. And then Eileen asks me, real loud again, what are we gonna do on Satur- day night since these are the only two nights we can go out to- gether. I told her I'd think up somethin'. All this talk between Eileen and me kinda bothers Jeanne and she takes Bart by the hand and almost drags him away while he FORRESTER'S BEACH keeps lookin' back my way fer help. I figger he just doesn't fig- ger out girls like I do, so I let him be dragged off fer a lesson since I figger Jeanne's the girl that can give it ta him. It turns out that Jeanne wanted ta get him ta tell his ma that she wanted ta leave that week end. Ya see now it's not hard ta fig- ger out girls. Eileen had asked me, after Jeanne had left that weekend, if I do go in swimmin' in the raw and I told her the truth which was yes and I added somethin' I remembered a man on TV sayin' and it sounded real heroish ta me. I added it real quick like, sayin', "that's only when I'm out with the boys!" And she added, "I'm glad that's the ONLY time." And I could tell she was embarrassed by the subject so I dropped it. So this is how I figgers out Eileen since she wasn't jealous. I figgers she knew she could trust me and she knew I was her guy so she didn't have a thing ta worry about what with my kissin' Jeanne. And I figgers that there city girl this way. She left 'cause she knew I was true ta Eileen and mainly because Bart just wouldn't give her a tumble be- in' she was too young fer him. Come ta think of it, even if she looked older than thirteen, she was really younger and in- nocent than the whole bunch of us which goes to show ya what we farmers have over them there city people. Lewis' Texaco Town Highway 40 At Sexton Edgewater Beach Cottages and Lodge TOM'S MONKEY JUNGLE and GIFT SHOP Swami's Snorts Grandpappy McCoy, a hillbilly of the Ozarks, had wandered off into the woods and failed to re- turn for supper. So young Ras- putin was sent to look for him. He found him standing in the bushes. "Gettin' dark, Grandpap," the tot ventured. "Yep." "Supper time, Pap." "Yep." "Comin' home?" "Nope." "Why?" "Standing in a b'ar trap." Testimonial received by a drug concern: For nine years I was totally deaf, and after using your ear drops for only ten days, I heard from my brother in South Dakota." Ernie's Steak House MAC'S-TAVERN Once a British game hunter, whose hobby was collecting rare animals, came upon an animal so rare that he decided to call it a rary. It had a human brain, the head of an elephant, the body of a tiger, the legs of an ostrich, feet like a gorilla, ears like Rocky Marciano and a tail like a pos- sum. So he took it to London and put it in the zoo for all the child- ren to see. Well, within six months, the rary had grown so fast and eaten so much that the zoo keeper had to call the hunter and tell him he would have to get rid of it. So he led the rary down a lone- ly British lane and came to a high cliff. He was about to push the rary over, when he looked at it, the rary looked at him, and a large tear rolled down its face. "No, I can't do it," said the hunter, "It's a long way to tip a rary". contributors' page Clat's Kneecaps Noelgossiper, Ltd, Ptd, Ddt, esq., 'ere. I say there, governor, 'ave you met this fellow, BOB CLATANOFF? I say, 'e's a cor- rupt one and from right 'ere in our 'ome away from 'ome, Colum- bia. A rake around the women, Gamma Phi included, and prop- erly labeled our circulation man- ager. Now old chaps, Bob, a D.U., is a bully, mid-Victorian (speaks to you if 'e wants to) and 'as a 'ab- it? of loosing our rare copies to residents of 615 Turner. I'm told 'e doesn't get up before ten and this may be the cause. You'll rec- ognize 'im, in the summer, by 'is cord suit and sneaks, really tip tip . . . and 'e saves (to put it mildly) brandy jiggers. Oh yes, I dare say, the old chap's a 'istory major, whatever you Colonists call that. We learn a bit of a dif- ferent type of 'istory in dear old G. B. (Great Britain) dont- chaknow. Now my bloomin' readers there's this new staff addition, and by jove, 'e's a jovial car- toonist at that. They call 'im RON FARR, freshman and a possible advertising major (blimey now, the world ?really? needs ad men). And this blighter's a real one when it comes to a mug of brew. He gets pink, delightfully pink, and laugh . . laugh, laugh, laugh when 'igh. My petite informant suggests that he's cute but he doesn't give the fairer sex a chance. I say, 'e's really a bloody bloke, but I'm sure this Kansas City fellow will shape up or my name isn't Noelgossiper, Ltd, Ptd, Ddt. esq. Blimey now, Ron's the fellow, Edwards House and all that poppy rot and Tiger Squad- ron too and phone 2-9751, girls. I say, that's a topper now, righto? Farr's Flask Now ladies and you rowdier blighters, there's a certain Hol- sum young lady by the title of RUTH MUFF (say that twenty times fast) who has frequented many a windy corner. (Pushing sales of our magazine of course.) I say, she even drives 'er own station wagon, been to G. B.'s royal colony of Bermuda (a bit of a mishap trying to get back bloody American planes and poor engines and all that rot) and 'as just returned from the more alcoholic southern state of Florida (I say, the old girl is really a pip . . . the name's Noel- gossiper, Ltd, Ptd, Ddt, esf.). She's a charming Holsum Pi Phi, been to the local bobbies' 'ide- away a few times to pay a few 52 Muff's Hoofs tickets, but she has learned quite a few jolly tricks like 'ow to get out of a University parking tick- et. "Just said I was unloading my harp," she innocently told the phlegmatic bobbie. She's a music education major from Trenton, Mo., 'ome of her daddy's Holsum Bread office. I say, clever, eh wot? WRIGHT'S RADIO & T.V. FARMERS' FAIR AND HORSE SHOW Winston