Showme December, 1957Showme December, 195720081957/12image/jpegPublications & Alumni CommunicationsThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195712Showme December, 1957; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1957
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SHOWME Well Worth
the Effort Outside
Loads of Babies Too
Dear Showme Staff,
I thought you might be inter-
ested in seeing what Showme
staffers look like eight years
later. (Notice we can afford cock-
tails now instead of beer.)
Left, from the top of the steps
(across and down):
BOB ABBETT - Showme illu-
strator '47-'48 . . . now illustrating
covers for American Weekly,
Fawcett Pocket Books, married
to lovely wife with wonderful
voice and mother of small son and
baby daughter. lives in Wilton,
DIANA PATTISON BARNARD
-Showme feature editor '48-'49
. now married to Charlie Barn-
ard and mother of Jennifer, Re-
becca and Charles Nelson Barn-
ard, IV. The Barnards live in
Noroton, Conn., part of Darien,
CHARLES NELSON BARN-
ARD, III-Showme story editor
and contributor for years, editor-
in-chief of Showme '48-'49 . . .
now Managing Editor of True
BILL GABRIEL - Showme car-
toonist, ad man and editor in '49-
'50 . . now heads Gabriel Adv.
Agency, lives in Bay Village,
Ohio, and married to Jan. The
Gabriels have two young daugh-
ters. (No, he doesn't know if Sam
Shepard did it.)
DON GARBER - Showme ad
staff, '48-'49 . married to good-
looking blonde, with an ad agency
HERB GREEN - Showme car-
toonist and editor in '50-'51 . . .
now free-lancing cartoons to Sat-
urday Evening Post and other
similar magazines, was in the lay-
out department of Time until he
resigned recently to devote more
time to cartoons. He and wife Joy
live in Greenwich, Conn.
PHIL SPARANO JUREY-
Showme business manager from
about '47-'49 . . . now a reporter
on leave of absence from Youngs-
town Vindicator. Her husband,
Bill, also with Vindicator, is on a
Ford Foundation scholarship at
JOY KUYPER GREEN-Show-
me staffer contributing poetry and
on ad staff in '48-'50 . . . now
married to Herb and in charge of
several trade magazines published
by Cluworth Press, Greenwich,
Conn. Bottom steps . . . JEAN
AND MORT WALKER-former-
ly Jean Suffill, contributor and ad
salesman on Showme, ad man-
ager in '48-'49 . . . mother of four
children: Greg, almost 8, Brian, 5,
Polly, 4 and Morgan, 5 months.
Obviously never did get to work,
but Showme training has come in
handy on housewife fund-raising
projects . . . edited magazine a
year ago that earned and donated
$3,000 to worthy causes. MORT,
we think you probably know
about . now writing and draw-
ing "Beetle Bailey," daily and
Sunday King Features comic,
writing "Hi and Lois" daily and
Sunday (that's an awful lot of
ideas right there) currently work-
ing on a Beetle book to be pub-
lished in the spring . . . that's
spare time after the strips and
many, many free drawings for
everything from the Cub Scouts
to Eisenhower's People to People
This picture was taken at our
home at a small M.U. reunion
Oct. 19, when Gabe and Barber
were in New York. Tom Paro, '48,
with CBS, took the snapshot. It
was a good party.
Best to all or you for now
and the future,
Thanks for sending the Showme
. . we enjoy seeing it.
* * *
I'm flabbergasted! Do you mean
to say that that's in store for us
Showme-er's . . . babies . . . and
Move over and we'll be right up
and we don't mean for beer!
(Thanks loads for the snap and
info. Our headaches don't feel so
Well, Whaddya Know . . . A
Grass Roots Mag Makes NA-
TION's THIRD Best.
Mary Paxton Keeley
1111 Porter Street
Well, it's the cutest SHOWME for
these many years. Seems to have
wit and diverting art, and your
ads are entertaining. Of course
your cover is your show piece.
The centerspread has wit without
resorting to nudes, and such
nudes (looked more like possums
than people). The only danger is
that one of the legislature may
glance at it and start an investi-
gation, as they did when the
SHOWME had a cover with Stalin
coming down the chimney of
Jesse Hall (dressed as Santa
Claus, [Stalin, not the chimney]).
They said that was sure proof
that the campus swarmed with
Lest I appear as a pollyanna, I
will add one sour note (two, I
guess). You really need a new
masthead as that is not up to your
current art. Some of your photog-
raphy is very good, but on pages
24 and 25, you play down the body
beautiful and make the girl look
as if she is carved out of soap;
then on 25 putting her on a light
background. The ones on 12 are
lousy, especially of Teter, when
they would have been good if the
photographer had not shot her
with the flash head on, thus flat-
tening her into two dimensions.
I must admit that your pat on
the back blew up that balloon I
had for my ego. And that little
birdie you have flying around
telling you those revealing critic-
isms is really welcome. As a mat-
ter of fact (and I don't readily
admit this), he's quite right.
Thanks and we'll keep a sharp
eye on our gummy little paws
when the next paste-up comes
After transferring from Step-
hens last year and reading other
university magazines, I find that
the SHOWME is pretty hard to
beat. And, I would like to have
the remaining issues of your mag-
azine . . . Better late than never,
Enclosed is $2.35, which I hope
is the right amount for the re-
maining 6 issues plus 55c mailing
charges. If this is not correct, just
let me know.
I'll be looking forward to the
good work from the SHOWME.
Thank you much-o.
1709 W. 3rd
Oklahoma State University
We love you . . . love you .
you . . . send more and more and
we love you . . . love you . . .
you sent the right amount, but
don't stop . . . dankenshein, gras-
sis, dijobo, thanks . you're a pal.
Love to the whole state of
Oklahoma and Stephens,
A breeze is blowing through the
tinsel of the Xmas tree and Swami
must wave goodbye to this year,
and to the homeward bound stu-
Last month was another unex-
pected sellout. I'll be scratching
my balding scalp trying to figure
out why. Showme must have
something somebody wants to
read. Well, this month it can't
sell out, by ding!
Yes, that November was a
month to remember, mid-terms,
and a Swami brawl. It was a
brawl like you've never seen be-
fore. There were people attend-
ing, and refreshments, and music,
and a little old veteran caretaker
smiling and remembering and en-
joying. A fire burned in the fire-
place. Big male voices boomed
and feminine twitters responded.
It was a rewarding brawl. Even
some of the elite from that other
publication attended on invitation.
Swami is kind, the benevolent
type of hypocrite who would give
his soul away if he had one. You
see, he lost it . . . , but that's an-
Twinkles sparkle from Swami's
eyes when he sees the yule sea-
son come. The students will en-
joy it, he thinks. And by ding,
they usually do! The stag parties,
the couples' solitude, the crashed
parties, the couples' home party,
plans to celebrations and a separ-
ated couple smiling half heartedly,
distance, days that seem like years
and days that seem like seconds.
It's Christmas and a New Year
coming. Listen and you can hear
Swami's glass ting as he moment-
arily looks misty-eyed at some
distant memory he delights in
remembering, but misses.
From the staff and Swami, a
joyous Christmas and a shebang
of a New Year. Raise cain, but
come back. Swami might try and
make it back too from his East
What's wrong with your finger?
Oh, I was downtown getting
some cigarettes yesterday and
some clumsy damn fool stepped
on my hand.
* * *
A drunk laying on the floor of
a bar began to show signs of life,
so one of the customers smeared
some limburger cheese on his up-
per lip. The drunk arose slowly
and walked out the door. In a few
minutes he came back in. Then
he went out again, only to return
in a few minutes.
Shaking his head in disgust, he
said, "It's no use, the whole world
RADIO & T.V. REPAIR
A South Missouri Soul Saver
was lambasting a student con-
gregation on the subject of sin. He
grew more and more eloquent and
finally he shouted to the audience
which was predominantly co-eds.
"Is there a virgin in the congrega-
tion? If there is let her stand up
and face the Savior." He paused
but no one stood up. He was about
to resume when a young mother
in the rear of the church stood
up with a young baby in her arms.
"Excuse me, young lady, did
you understand the question? I
asked, was there a virgin in the
"Yes sir," said the mother, "but
you didn't expect a three-week-
old baby girl to stand up by her-
self, did you?"
Most men can read a woman
like a book, but they still prefer
the braille system .
* * *
During the Holidays two Miz-
zou students from the same town
met back in the old burg. "Say,"
asked the first, "Aren't you work-
ing your way through school?"
"Yes," replied the other. I'm on
the Maneater staff, but please
don't tell my mother. She thinks
I'm bootlegging. .
". and a space modulator and a astro-cosmic
tracer and an interplanetary
hydrogenator. . ."
SHOWME has a brawl?
Nov. 23, 1957
photos by Gordon "Blue" Ervin, joke editor
Art Terry "I swear, I've been here
photogs Duke Wade
and Charlotte Peaslee "LIGHT? ?"
Dick Noel, editorial assistant
. . and somebody's
stray and centerpiece on floor
Tom Watson, Cartoonist
EDITOR and woman behind the
(R) Margi Foster, tech. editor
(L) Pat Tanner, Subscription Editor
"One, two, three . .
you and me . .
Kulum . . writer
"I say, you don't say?"
"So he don't dance .
whad I tell ya."
"It's over there, man."
"And I'm empty too."
VISITOR . . ."Keg? I
ain't seen no keg."
Brack Hinchey, Jr.
Letters ----.-. .---------------------------2, 3
Editor's Ego .------- . --.----.----.---.------------ 4
Around the Columns-Dick Noel - ---------9, 10, 11
Girl-of-the-Month-Marlene Elbreder --.---.------- 12, 13
What Is A Susie?-Margi Foster _----------14, 15
Santa's Quickie Quiz __---------------- 16,. 17
How To Write A Term Paper-dan hays _------ 18
Summer School - -----------------_ 19
Xmas Cards ---------------- 24, 25, 30
Xmas Shopping List ---------- 32, 33
Filches .-------------------------36, 37
Jeanne Wilson, AChiO _------38, 39
back cover Santa-Zan --
(nothing more 'til next year)
Barry Hyken, Art Terry, Bill Trogdon
and Duke Wade
Gordon "Blue" Ervin
VOLUME 34 DEC., 1957 No. 4
Chaucer and SHOWME have dirty stories
Bawdy and lewd from the start
But ours, people said was pornographic
And Chaucer's was classical art.
On the cover, the Xmas spirit
shines upon the New Year com-
ing: "Whadda ya say, gang? Let's
talk to da Santa Cwaus," says one
of the up and coming generation
at Santa's chair.
SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the colleges year by the Students of the Uni-
versity of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not
be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request.
National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Kelly Press,
Inc., Columbia, Mo. Price: 30c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.25. Office hours: 3:00 to 4:00 p.m., Tues-
day through Thursday, 302 Read Hall.
We three kings of Orient are,
Trying to follow the Xmas star.
We come bearing gifts from lands afar,
But dam, are forgot the portable bar.
Around The Columns
Hot diggy dogs it's December
and soon we will all be paroled
soon and also it will be Christmas
soon and everybody and their
uncle's dog will get potted and
come bearing gifts of Murr and
Frankstien and used Elvist Prest-
ly pencil sharpeners and fall down
in the great snowy wastes and die
an extremely slow death of food
poisoning and advanced Mongo-
lian Crud and complications of the
gall bladder and . . . Christmast
comes but oncet a year so gird
your loins (ahhhhhggggggh . . .)
and be a Readdy Freddy and fill
someones stockings, with hydro-
chloric acid (while they are still
in the stockings, naturalment)
and tell all the little boys and
girls that Sandy Claws is dead
and watch the Expressions on
their faces and it is almost as good
as the bowling machine for getting
your jollies and then later pur-
chase an extremely large bottle
of Scotch and go park in some
quiet spot with some ice and get
blind and think sad melancholy
thoughts and bright c h e e r f y
thoughts and inquisitive philo-
sophical thoughts and figger out
everyone's troubles but your own
and then find some old man and
get him to sing I'm dreaming of
a white horse Christmas and then
sell your sole to the devil. The
price is twenty cents a pound for
soles and hogs are up two and
steady. Steady as she goes cried
the second mate as he gently low-
ered the remains of the faithful
Whymerannernererer dog named
Rover over the side amidst a
great bursting of bombs in mid
air, righto, said Francis Scott as
he lurched up from his squatting
position on the after deck and
sharpened his index finger on his
genuine James Bowie knife (he
used blood for ink. His blood.)
AHORSE AHORSE! My knee-
cap for AHORSE! . . . and Christ-
mast comes but twice a year (the
other time is August 7th, the an-
niversary of the day Louis Glove-
compartment, a noted archeolog-
ist, discovered the bones of his
late grandmother under his bed
and died of thrombosis coronary
while reciting the second chorus
of I'll be glad when you're dead
you rascal you) so make the most
of it. Make something, dam it, we
got a long weekend coming and
you don't want to be without your
share. Of spirit. And Spirits.
Here are the columns mr. edi-
tor. the rest of it is ridiculous too
but makes more sense. Or it
would if the linotype operator
wasn't loaded. So cheers.
* * *
I don't know whether you've
noticed it or not, but every once
in a while the guy on the radio
says it is so and so o'clock Naval
Observatory Time. Now, I ask
you, what in hell does the navy
know about what time it is? I
just imagine the Coast Guard
knows as much as they do. Or the
Air Force. Or the Army. Or the
Merchant Marine. But no, we got
to rely on the Navy. Garbage.
Things have got into a fine state,
is all I got to say, is when a bunch
of guys on boats got the right to
tell us what time it is. Hell, they
don't know. They just guessing.
I revolt. I hereby and heretofore
declare it to be right this instant
Two-thirty o'clock faranheit in the
morning, and dare 'em to show
* * *
An interesting sidelight to the
recent furor kicked up when The
Russians sent a dog into space
was the great number of protests
filed by various persons and or-
ganizations stating that it was
inhuman and cruel to put a dog
to such use. Most of these came
from dog and animal lovers; The
Royal Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals, The Na-
tional Canine Defense League,
The League Against Cruel Sports
(this is a sport?), all voiced offi-
cial protests. Everyone thought it
was just terrible that those nasty
old Russians would perpetrate
such a barbaric ordeal on a de-
fenseless little dog.
However, the most thought-pro-
voking statement came from a
Vietnamese farmer who com-
planned: "I don't understand.
Dogs are supposed to be eaten,
not carted around through space."
* * *
For anyone interested, (possi-
bly in order to migrate to the
Great Northern Ice Floe for the
season) Elvis Presley, the Silver
Voice of the Expensive Beer
Joint, is releasing a special album
of Christmas . . . ah . . . songs,
which by now are probably al-
ready confusing small children
and convulsing large ones. Mr.
Presley is accompanied by guitar
and organ-the selections includ-
ing Silent Night and Santa, Bring
My Baby Back to Me. He is evi-
dently not going to attack Oh,
Little Town of Bethleham, which
is no doubt a wise move, but is
very likely missing a good bet in
Jingle Bells. With small cow-bells
strung around his hips and legs he
could provide his own accompani-
ment (dispensing at least with
the organ), and with a few rural
types in the background going
dooahhh dooahhh while shaking
tamborines and snapping their
fingers, he could turn this hack-
neyed old favorite into a rousing
success and a serious menace to
the psychological well being of
mankind, both of which apparent-
ly being his main goals in life.
But, Ce la vie, as the Saudi
Arabians say. We'll just have to
content ourselves with Silent
Night. It will content me, anyway.
Speaking of Gods and Heroes,
a friend of mine went to the Up-
town a few weeks ago to attend
the Boone County Premier of
The James Dean Story, but un-
fortunately became ill and had to
leave early, so I can't tell you any-
thing about it. Unfortunately.
* * *
I don't have any idea how many
of you people eat dry breakfast
cereal in the morning, but some
of those of you who do might
have noticed an odd little habit
that accompanies this ordeal. I've
long been aware of this addiction
in myself, and after questioning
some of my aquaintances, I've
come to the conclusion that per-
haps it is a Bit of National Ameri-
This habit I'm talking about is
reading the written material on
the front, back, bottom, top, and
sides of cereal boxes. Aha! You
are saying to yourself, hmmmmm,
why land sakes, I've done that.
Right? I don't know why it is
exactly, but in my case the ex-
planation seems to lie in the fact
that I never wake up completely
before ten or eleven o'clock in
the morning, and if I get up, say
-at seven, while eating break-
fast, someone placed a German
edition of the History of the
Chinese Language in front of me,
I would at least attempt to read it.
I guess at that time in the morn-
ing you are in what the psycholog-
ists might call a state of . a con-
dition of . . . a sort of tenor of .
a category, mood, predicament,
quandary, plight, guise, fashion,
mode, tone, constitution, character
of. ah. insensability, obtuse-
ness, paralysis, anesthesia, hypno-
sis, stupor, refrigeration, coma
and sleep. Mainly sleep.
That's what the psychologists
would call it. But sometimes it's
kind of amusing. Just the other
day I caught myself absorbing all
the different recipes in which one
can include large amounts of
Post Sugar Crisps. But hell, if
someone asked me ten minutes
later what I'd been reading, I
couldn't tell them. Why, you
know, I bet I've read those recipes
ten times (I am sort of high on
Post Sugar Crisps) and each
time thought I was getting some-
thing new. But I got an idea which
might prove to be a boon to man-
kind. Or at least studentkind.
Why not print text-books on the
back of cereal boxes? Wahahhha!
Hooooahggghhh! Two cheers for
the team and a one gun salute for
the coach! Sure, sure, I know
you'd forget most of the material,
but you could use giant sixed
cereal boxes, and after you'd read
the stuff 40 or 50 times, you'd be
bound to remember something.
Just think; plunging into a syn-
opsis of Tudor and Stuart English
history while chomping on Grape
Nuts Flakes, or wading through
complicated sections of Electronic
Algebra while putting away some
delicious Puffed Wheat (shot
from guns), or, for the unfortu-
nate, pouring over involved
theories of Philosophy while mun-
ching down a nutritious bowl of
Forty-per-cent Bran Flak es!
Magnificent! Then, when you've
finished the cereal, you could take
the boxes to class with you. Think
of the pure economy of it! Why
this beats the Missouri Store forty
ways to Sunday. And of course, if
you didn't have time for break-
fast, you'd just pop an edition of
Interpretive Shakespeare - Rice
Crispies under your arm and be
off for class. Hell, you could give
up meals completely! With boxes
of concentrated Fried Chicken-
Advanced ROTC and Salad a la
Bontony Lab and .
Mustn't get carried away with
ourselves, must we. Oh well. You
watch yourself next time, any-
how. Betcha a beer you read
In a few weeks it will be 1958,
and I thought you all would like
to know that in 1958, Friday the
Thirteenth will fall in June. That's
all, I mean there aren't any more
Friday the Thirteenths. Just one.
However, those interested will
note that there will be three
Thursday the Thirteenths, which
is pretty close, after all, and there
are also two Saturday the Thir-
teenths, and this gives us a total
of six thirteenths within a period
of three days, which is no small
shucks in anybody's book. And,
quite incidentally, there are also
two Tuesday and Sunday the
Thirteenths, and one Monday and
Wednesday the Thirteenths re-
Just so you'll all know.
By the way-and this is refer-
ring back to the bit about the
Russians and the dog lovers-if
any of you feel sort of hacked at
them too, leave us not judge too
quickly. There have been many
instances of their kindness and
humanitarianism in the past, and
no doubt will be more in the fu-
ture. Here is an example, and you
can look it up; Prince Piotr Lo-
pukhin (1733-1827), Attorney
General of Russia, was awarded
his country's highest decoration
ing in something. Quite to the con-
Right now, in this day and age,
in 1958, there is no such thing as
school spirit in any shape or form
in any college in the country. It's
become old fashioned. Out-dated.
Backward. It just isn't done any
more, no more than a really chic
Madison Avenue career woman
would wear last year's hat. I don't
get around the country too much,
but I've talked to guys from the
east and guys from the west and
"I suppose you are all wondering why
I invited you here."
for humanism in 1798-Because
he prohibited the flogging of peo-
ple over 70 years of age. How
about that now? I mean that guy
is all reet.
* * *
It is becoming pretty apparent
that when anybody doesn't have
anything to say around here they
start bitching about school spirit.
You know what I mean? Always
yapping about how terrible things
are getting when they can't raise
two or three thousand screaming
fanatics at ten o'clock (or some
such ridiculous hour) on a Friday
night in the rain in order to listen
to a coach-who has been hired
to coach - and a few players -
who have been hired to play-lie
about what they plan on doing to
old Siwash State the next day. Or
complaining that all the rest of
the schools in the Big Eight or
Big Ten or whatever it is have
all got burning, feverish, de-
mented, maniacal SPIRIT, while
the University of Missouri has
Well friends, it just ain't so. I
realize we haven't any school
spirit, but merely because of this
we shouldn't assume we are lack-
guys from around here in the mid-
west, and whenever I would men-
tion that the people here don't
go too gung ho over football, these
guys would like as not look at
me as if I had suddenly sprouted
a potato plant out of my left nos-
tril. It's just not done. Oh, I realize
there are a few spots around
where school spirit-or something
-remains. Like Notre Dame. Or
Navy and Army. Or Oklahoma.
Or parts of the south. But can
you call this spirit? At most of
these places I've mentioned, they
pretty regularly have more than
above average football teams, and
if you want to call big crowds and
lots of hollering spirit, go ahead,
But if we had a team here at Mis-
souri which had the past record,
the prestige, and the reputation of
Oklahoma or a Notre Dame or a
Texas A & M, I'd sure as hell see
every game, too, but I wouldn't
do so because I was full of spirit;
I'd do so because I'd be pretty
certain of seeing some good foot-
The rah-rah boy has gone the
way of the pocket-watch, the flap-
per, and the ukelele. Now I don't
contend that whatever has re-
placed it - cynicism, intellectual
apathy, mass-conformity-is good
or bad, and I don't intend to ex-
plain the transposition, all I am in-
ferring is that a shift has taken
place, and its high time we real-
Amen. I'll climb down now.
* * *
I wonder if that guy out at the
Parkade Drive-In theater is go-
ing to hunt ducks all winter?
Seems like by now he'd either be
as fagged as a one-legged cat pull-
ing a safe up steep stairs or have
enough ducks to set up shop and
take checks. He's been out a
couple of months, now. Maybe he
got ate by a bear. Or a duck.
* * *
Well, being it's the holiday sea-
son and all, I'd like to reiterate
something I've said here about
this time of year for the past two
At the risk of being accused of
secondary school senility I'd like
to forget about my place in the
cosmic scheme of things long
enough to wish you all a very
sentimental and happy Yuletide.
It's a sentimental season and
somehow the vain strivings for
collegiate urbanity and worldli-
ness, etcetera, don't seem to make
as much sense as usual.
So Hurrah for Christmas, Hur-
rah for New Years, have lots of
good parties, accumulate truck-
loads of loot, and don't forget,
beer and tomato juice can make
New Years Day livable if all else
. . that ought to take care of
it. Be cheerful, and I'll see you
next time. REMEMBER, ED
GEIN LIKES CHILDREN -
Marlene Elbreder, Swami
photos by DUKE WADE and
AChiO's MARLENE ELBRED-
ER wishes all Swami readers a
merry merry Christmas and felici-
ty throughout the New Year.
Marlene hails from old St. Lou
and is in her sophomore year at
"Ah, what would the world be
without blondes?" . Swami
What Is A Susie?
There are girls who climb upon
the roof of their redormatory at
40 above to watch for Sputnik;
there are girls who wear cash-
mere skirts to watch a Sunday
afternoon spectators - sit - in - the-
grass scrimage; there are girls
who dangle undies out windows
to entice fellows having a pep
rally: These girls are called
A Susie can say the brightest
thing in the world and sound
dumb; she can be thinking the
most brilliant thoughts in exist-
ence and look simple; and a Susie
can resemble any other girl in the
crowd . . . but you can tell she's a
She enjoys it terribly when a
boy stops treating her like a
prettylittlething and talks Seri-
ously with her. She talks very
Seriously too, reciting things from
textbooks, roommate or whatever
somebody else has said, changing
the context only by prefacing the
opinions with, "I think."
Most Susies are charming, pois-
ed, artificial and well groomed. It
isn't the football game but rather
is - the - skirt - getting - wrinkled; it
isn't the kiss but rather what's-
happening-to-the-lip-job; and it
isn't the conversation but rather,
I-must - be- careful- and - make - an-
A Susie dresses well; she also
dresses Alike. And if all the
Susies can't walk into Barnett's
wearing a raccoon coat it isn't be-
cause their identical little hearts
wouldn't give a month's supply of
purple eye shadow to be the girl
that did and got all the attention.
A Susie can't understand how
people can look at her and recog-
nize at a glance that she is one.
But nevertheless, this gives her a
valuable tool for focusing the con-
versation on herself for the first
15 minutes or so after you're
introduced with, "But how could
you tell . ?
A Susie can adopt an accent
quicker than a buddy can turn
into a birddog. South St. Louis is
environment enough for affecting
a dripping drawl and a weekend
at Yale clips her sentences like
barber shears giving a Mohican
She reaches the pinnacle of
euphoria when she can sneak a
cigarette in her room, stand up a
date, out-charm another Susie or
go someplace off limits.
Susies are the most mercenary,
fickle, childish, imitative, coy,
cult of bleached, tinted and dyed
females in Columbia . . . but the
boys date them because there's
nothing like a dumb, giggling,
male-starved Susie to make a Uni-
versity boy feel big, rumbling and
Beneath her polished - mirror
exterior there is a scared little girl
who is awfully afraid she is going
to stop acting like her innocuous
dormmates and be herself. And
whatever they may be, it is infi-
nitely better than the inname,
stereotyped susierole she's play-
There will always be Susies.
The skin you love to touch is
usually covered up.
"I've got a date tonight, dahling. Would you
like to borrow my ring?"
SANTA'S Quickie Quiz for Kids Twelve and Under
A. Santa arrives at workshop
B. Myron Schultz and his two stepsons forming a trio to sing
dirty songs at Lincoln's inauguration.
C. Reindeers are out of season.
A. Funny Santa suit fails to be a good enough prop.
B. Old conveyor with a belt in the back.
C. Santa and elf look over shop that produces Christmas toys.
A. Santa tells fish story of great white whale.
B. Ants never sleep.
C. "The quality of mercy is not strange, it droppeth as the gen-
tle rain . . ."
A. Santa talks to his helper who explains to Santa that the help
shortage has caused the holdup in production.
B. Ed Gein, of Plainsfield, N. J., talks to Santa Baby about
opening a butcher shop.
C. Kiss Me Kate
A score of seventy or better means that you should marry the boy you are
now dating. Eighty means you should drop school and fly south. Ninty means you
are the "bee's knees". A perfect score means your money will be refunded by man-
A. "I climbed it because it was there."
B. Scenic view of huge crowd viewing the MU-Oklahoma game.
C. James Dean plays himself in "The James Dean Story."
A. Open Rush.
B. Santa talks to helpers about delivering the toys Xmas Eve.
C. Only existing photo of the sinking of the Titanic.
How To Write A
Some day one of your professors
will say to your class, "Everyone
in here has to write a term paper."
Don't get shook. Others have
survived. Pick yourself off the
floor and face the problem square-
A term paper isn't really so bad;
it's just the connotations-term
paper, life term, solitary confine-
ment. Really no sweat, just 10 or
12 thousand documented words,
laboriously ground out with blood
and tears and .
Bribe your professor. It might
even work. He's on starvation
wages as it is. Send him a Boone
County Ham, or a dozen five
pound steaks. Send him Sophia
Loren. On second thought, keep
Sophia Loren and eat the steaks.
Bribery might not work.
After deciding you're stuck with
the project, the first step is to
choose a subject. This can be quite
difficult and it requires a clear
mind. You absolutely cannot have
your mind cluttered with studies
and scraps from lectures, so cut
classes for a week or so. Divert
yourself. Find a girl. Get plenty
of sack time. If you're relaxed
and life is running smoothly, you
may have no trouble producing a
smooth, relaxed subject.
A few cautions on subjecting:
don't wander too far from what
the course is about. For instance,
if the course is Australian Ethno-
graphy 109 do not write about
Stresses and Strains in Reinforced
Concrete. If the course is Eco-
nomics of West Africa 249, do not
hand in a paper on Sexual Mores
of the Eskimo Teenager.
Ater you have chosen a subject
it is time to start research. Even
if you haven't chosen the subject,
start research. It may come to
you as you go along.
In order to research you must
go to the library. There are sev-
eral libraries on campus but the
most likely prospect is the Gen-
eral Library. You must have seen
the General Library. You can
hardly miss it when coming out of
the M-Bar. It is a large gray
building, and you do not have to
pay to get in.
There are many rooms in the
library. Look into them. Maybe
you will see someone you know.
Perhaps. Wave to your friends
and shout greeting to them. You
may have a hard time being heard
above the rustle of the pages but
don't let that stop you.
After you have explored the
basement (which has many love
nests among the shelves of news-
papers) and the first floor, climb
the marble stairs to the second
floor. There you will find a small
room with many small filing cabi-
nets. They look like recipe files.
Open some of them. You will find
many small cards. Riffle through
After this, you might take a
look into the stacks. "Stacks" is
a term referring to books and has
nothing to do with a similar term,
"stacked". There you will find
many books. My goodness, there
must be millions of them. You will
never read them all. Leave.
Down the hall from the card
room is the Reference Reading
Room. There you will find many
tables and many students hunched
over books. This is bad for your
posture. Leave your notebooks
on a convenient table and look
around the room. There are many
volumes of magazines around the
walls. Maybe you will find some
good cartoons in old Saturday
It is about time for a cigarette.
First you must go into the hall
because they will make you go
there anyway if you so much as
strike a match. There grouped by
the water fountain and sitting on
the stairs you will find many
other jolly students taking time
out from their studies and talking
of such scholarly subjects as
basketball scores, new cars, and
Friday night's party. Perhaps
someone will suggest adjourning
for a cup of coffee. If so, accept,
for you will then be on your way
to finishing your term paper.
Gather your books and hop over
to the Student Union Coffee Shop.
There you will find, in addition to
the jitterbugs, many sallow-faced,
starving intellectuals brooding
over their coffee cups. Sound a
parley. Talk business. One of
them will turn out a dandy term
paper for nearly nothing.
Don't sweat it.
Yes, yes! That's
her! I can tell I
gives her away.
Cute, my gosh yes!
Journalism School in force.
Determination, that's what it is.
A doll, and you all
Editor and body guard, Bob
Hatch, enjoying the miscellanea.
MEN! Summer School in Columbia
has many more advantages than
you know about!
with lids . . and
shirts and .
A cooler, a blanket,
goodies and a sun
tan . oh, yes, and
a girl . . oh, PARADISE!
". and now, friends, a program of beloved
Christmas carols, sung by one of your all-time
DON SMALL RECORD SHOP
Two little rabbits were being
chased by a pack of wolves. One
little rabbit turned to the other
and said, "How about you and
me stopping a minute and out-
She was a Hula dancer.
He was a guy from the fleet.
He forgot the sugar he left at
When she shook her shredded
Dreams of exciting war experi-
ences troubled the sleep of the re-
turned pilot. One night he leaped
out of bed and yelled: "Men, we've
got to bail out-we're out of gas."
Then he pulled the rip cord-his
pajamas fell down.
Moe: How was your date last
Joe: No good, She was just a
Showme censors forbid it,
Reformers have chided and hit
Though each person on earth
Arrived here by birth
To testify somebody did it.
What is the name of those tab-
lets the ancient Gauls used to
Roommate: Gaul stones.
Adam and Eve were the first
bookkeepers-they invented the
The doctor advised the young
parents on the care of their first
born: "Remember," he said, "boil
everything before putting it in
the baby's mouth."
"Gosh Honey," the new father
said, "no wonder you insisted on
putting Junior on a bottle!"
Did you hear about the college
girls who were drinking beer on
the beach and got sand in their
WILSON'S WHOLESALE MEAT CO., Inc.
Showme Long Tall Xmas Cards
Cut out Xmas cards to send to
"Yes, Virginia, Santa wears a beard."
"How brightly burns your Xmas tree!"
your best friends.
(Continued on page 30)
First frat boy to second frat
boy: "You drive. You're too
drunk to sing."
Spinsters are born, not made .
Husband answering the phone
said: "I don't know, call up the
weather bureau," and hung up.
"Who was that?" asked his
"Some fellow asking if the coast
SUZIE: I'm not asking anything
for myself, God, but please send
my mother a son-in-law .
Great - great - grandma Beebee
studied the new-born baby. She
cackled with obvious satisfaction:
"If my memory doesn't fail me,
it's a boy."
The student gets the magazine,
The school gets the fame,
The printer gets the money,
The editor gets the blame.
One of the more astute medics
at the Clinic received a letter
from a poor freshman in Johnston
Hall. "Please send me the name
of some good book on personal
hygiene. I think I've got it."
The rich and beautiful young
widow had two cherished pets, a
canary and a parrot. When she
went out she always placed her
loved ones in the bathroom to
protect them from thieves, and
upon returning home she would
remove them before taking a
One day she forgot to take them
out and proceeded with her
nightly shower. Soon after she
finished undressing the canary
chirped: "Peek, peek."
The parrot gleefully exclaimed,
"You can 'peek' if you want but
I'm going to take a damn good
She wore a new evening dress
but her heart wasn't in it.
Ernie's Steak House
There wasn't one to be found
on the whole third floor. He tried
the second. He tried the first.
Angrily, he turned to his room
and packed his bag. He stamped
down the stairs and strode to the
desk. "I'm leaving," he cried.
"This place is uncanny."
To err is human, but it feels
"Well my boy," said the new
minister to the three year old,
"what did Santa Claus bring
"Aw I got a little red chair,"
said the kid, "but it ain't much
good. It's got a hole in the bottom
* * *
"Ma, can I go out to play?"
"What, with those holes in your
"No, with the kids across the
Teacher (warning her students
against catching colds): I had a
little brother who was seven years
old. He took his sled out into the
cold one day, caught pneumonia
Voice from the rear: Where's
his sled now .
To hell with expense. Give that
canary another seed . . .
A rattlesnake came home to his
brood and said: "My children,
gather around and see how a good
What ails you, father? asked
the small snakes.
I have just bitten the editor of
the Maneater, was the reply, ac-
companied by the ominous death
rattle. . . .
"This bed," the antique con-
fided, "belonged to my own great-
"Sure," the unbelieving pro-
spect replied, "And I'll bet it's
one of the beds George Washing-
ton slept in."
"Very likely, sir," said the deal-
er, "but great-great-grandmother
never mentioned it."
THE RED ROOM
"Daddy's only joking! Of course we're
going to have a Christmas tree."
Then there was the old philo-
sopher who said: "All men are
born free, but only athletes go
through college that way .
A Sig Nu was over visiting one
of the Sigmas. In fact he had one
cornered on the sofa.
"Kiss me darling," He said.
"There's a house fine of $10 on
the fellow who kisses a girl in this
house," said she.
"I'll gladly pay the fine on one
condition," he told her.
"What is that?"
"That you turn out the lights
and take as long as I want to and
kiss as many times as I wish."
Three quarters of an hour later
she said to him: "Your kissing
beautifully tonight, Johnny."
"I'm just one of Johnny's
brothers. Johnny's at the door
taking tickets. . ."
Fruit & Produce Co.
"I'm sorry Santa, but the boss says if the
reindeers ain't showed by 6:30, you gotta
give up the big table."
"I'm all shook up."
SHOWME Xmas Cards
(continued from page 25)
A Very Merry Christmas?
HI FI HOUSE
A white polar bear sitting on
a red block of ice said to a red
polar bear sitting on a white
block of ice "Radio".
(This is one of those pointless
jokes that somebody or other
will always read Freudian sym-
bolism into and laugh uproaring-
ly at. You probably laughed or
at least snickered yourself until
you read this. Now, however,
you are assuming a wise expres-
sion and pretending that you
knew all the time it was point-
less while jotting it down to tell
at a party sometime so that you
can see who laughs at pointless
The freshman's father paid his
son a surprise visit. Arriving at
1 a.m., he banged on the fraterni-
ty house door.
A voice from the second floor
yelled, "Whatdya want?"
The father said, "Does Joe
Jones live here?"
The voice answered, "Yeah,
bring him in."
UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE
The Showme Christmas Gift Corner
Stumped for Gift Suggestions?
Try giving a huge foot. Limited
supply so order now. Indicate
number of toes. Socks extra. No. 2001
Show Your Concern
Give a free heart check-up. The
owner can have his graph framed
and tinted in gay Christmas No. 2002
Everyone likes the friendly pet.
And now pet stores carry all kinds
of pets. Harvey Schultz is very
fond of his strange pet. But he
found out too late that his strange
pet was also fond of him.
Different friends deserve differ-
ent gifts. Try this handsome,
loose-knit cord for the people you
know who deserve it. Cheap @
13c a foot. No. 2004
These brothers are proud of their
reconditioned Panzer tank. Ralph
Brother (bottom left) can hardly
wait to try the real steering wheel.
Comes wrapped in Christmassy
red tinfoil. No. 2005
Wow! For this fantastic 128 Rock-
et, write PDQ because the FBI is
looking for it and may find us
soon. Actual size. The man is a
giant 53 feet tall. Large? You
bet! No. 2007
For a Merry
Give something that can express
the spirit of the season. Bottle can
later be broken and used in fights.
Also comes in beer, whiskey,
brandy and hemlock. No. 2006
No home should be without one.
They are in constant use all over
the world. If you have one al-
ready, get another one for the den
or bedroom. Sturdy, built to last;
an extension phone might make a
fine extra gift.
Give something that anyone needs
and uses. Give money. Comes in
lovely cedar green.
But Mrs. Schultz, Bobby said he wanted
to play snowman.
After placing some flowers on
a grave in a cemetery, a man
noticed an old Chinese placing
a bowl of rice on a nearby grave
and cynically asked: What time
do you expect your friend to
come up and eat the rice?
The Chinese replied with a
smile: Same time your friend
comes up to smell flowers.
Sherlock: Ah, my dear Wat-
son, I see that you've donned
your long winter underwear.
Watson: Amazing, how did
you deduce that?
Sherlock: Elementary, my
dear Watson, you have forgotten
"Stan! Stop! You're got the signs
in the wrong windows!"
Professor: That's five times this
week you have come to class un-
prepared. Have you anything to
say for yourself?
Student: Yes, sir, I'm sure
glad it's Friday.
Are you the young man who
risked his life to save my son
from drowning when he fell
through the ice?
Well, where are his mittens?
* * *
An old grad saw a student with
a bottle in his hand and his arm
around a girl. "What a foolish
waste of time," he said. "You can
drink when you're old."
Cannibal: "Junior don't you
know it is rude to talk with some-
one in your mouth.
He kissed her on her rosy lips;
How could he then but linger?
But oh - when he caressed her
A cootie bit his finger.
Black Jack: Where are your
Joe: I have none.
BJ: Where are your guardians?
Joe: I have none.
BJ: Then where is your sup-
Joe: Sir, you forget yourself.
Teacher: Harold, do you wish
to leave the room?
Harold: I ain't hitchiking.
(Showme '51 - REMEMBER?)
"Mums for the mummy?"
The C.C.N.Y. MERCURY
"If you ask me, it's glandular."
CHAPARRAL Remember, on the last chorus its every man for himself."
"Well, I'm certainly not going to ask him."
"Well, no damn wonder I couldn't tuck in my
"Says he doesn't want it; says he just came in look-
ing for the men's room."
Jeanne Wilson makes
Swami's pin-up ideal.
Xmas and New Year
photos by BARRY HYKEN
Jeanne Wilson lithely contorts her delightful attributes to
tell you all what's on her mind. Jeanne is a AChiO pledge and a
Kirkwood beauty in her freshman year.
Once upon a time (two years
ago) there was a lil' girl named
Lizabeth Huff. She had straight
black bangs (like Nancy-in-the-
funnypapers) and she drank beer.
Naturally, as soon as she hit
campus, she brushed her bangs
back, looked about and discovered
Since then, Liz has been per-
forming many necessary functions
vital to the output of that literary
misnomer in her capacity as Of-
* She has sold SHOWME'S on Dr.
* When ECAT was editor she
folded up his rollaway every
* And she personally held the
towel for Troelstrup at the SHOW-
On your way up to the SHOWME
office, stay well away from the
bannister-Liz might be on her
way down and she doesn't waste
time. She's another obnoxious
dweller in F. L. Mottland and
them kind are to keep out of the
Right now she is in charge of
sending back rejected manuscripts
with encouraging remarks. Her
remarks, it seems, have encour-
aged one fourple-rejected writer
to attempt to form a social group
which will meet every other
Thursday (so as not to conflict
with the Fortnightly) afternoon.
But don't delay the meeting 'till
Liz gets there, Charlie.
Famous last words: "Hell, he
won't ask us that."
The demure young bride, her
face a mask of winsome inno-
cense, slowly walked down the
aisle, clinging to the arm of her
father. As they reached the plat-
form before the altar, her daity
foot brushed a potted flower,
knocking it to the floor. She
gaized at the dirt gravely, then
raised her childlike eyes to the
venerable minister and said,
"That's a hell of a place to put
* * *
Late last September your Edi-
tor and Associate Editor were
sitting in the office counting last
year's back-issue stacks when one
of them remarked: "If we had
one more artist to round out the
staff, we'd be set for the rest of
the year"; whereupon the sky
darkened, thunder roared, light-
ening flashed, the door squeaked
and in staggered a Westerner
with California dust on his brow,
a John Wayne squint in his eyes,
and a battered portfolio bearing
the name BILL ZANDER in his
knarled hand. The stranger
brushed some Arizona sand from
his vest and casually remarked:
"I'm an artist to round out your
staff. I think you are set now."
Ten minutes later he found him-
self drawing a centerspread.
Bill is a second year man from
Redlands, California. He froshed
at Arizona where he broke into
collegiate humor as a staffer with
the Kitty Kat. After a year of
this, he got the Journalism bug
and: "Came to Mizzou because I
heard about your parties and
girls. Fortunately, I find you have
a J-School too."
Zan hangs his flannels at the
DTD house and drinks his beer
anywhere. Actually, he is only
a social drinker (the more he
drinks, the more sociable he gets.)
If you are a blonde-type coed, be
nice to him. He may ask you up to
see his rejection slips.