Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 1959 Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 1959 2008 1959/03 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195903

Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 1959; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1959

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HARLEQUIN Volume 1 Number 1 March, 1959 SAUNDERS- Pla-Boy DRIVE-IN delicious double deck STEAKBURGER cat on a hot tin column-page 5 my theory-page 15 HARLEQUIN March 1959 302 Read Hall University of Missouri Editors: Dan Hays Tom Sieg "i say, none of you are having illicit sex relations, are you?"-page 18 anteater centerspread how to be a social success-page 25 record review- page 29 letters to the editors -page 33 life in johnston hall -page 38 Business Manager Dick Johnston Advertising Manager Glen St. Pierre Assistant Barbara Heiter Circulation Manager Brack Hinchey Promotion Manager Bob Wiser Art Director Larry Postaer Staff: Al Chapman Art Katz Office Manager Linda Jones cat on a hot tin column by missouri wilensky SETTING: A certain state uni- versity in Columbia, Missouri SCENE I: Dean Back Track's office. The furnishings are se- vere. On the wall are paintings of plantation overseers. From the ceiling hangs a sign saying, "Spare the Rule and Spoil the Slave." As the scene opens, Dean Back Track cracks his whip. Enter Slave Spy. DEAN: Help me lug my rule book over to the desk. SS: Yes sir, Big Daddy Dean, sir. Right away, sir. But Big Daddy Dean, sir, wouldn't it be easier to bring the desk to the rule book? DEAN: Tradition says we lug the rule book over to the desk. SS: I bet you're going to add some more rules to your book, aren't you, Big Daddy Dean, sir? DEAN: Yes, I'm in the mood again. SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir, hadn't you better do something about the column sitter? He's been up there three weeks. DEAN: Have the no spine monsters attend to it. They're holding a meeting tonight. That'll keep 'em busy while I make more rules. SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir, they want you at their meeting so they can talk to you about abolishing negative hours. DEAN: Well, stall 'em off. SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir, I'm running out of stall material. DEAN: Any old stall will do for them. Which reminds me, all the off-campus rooming houses have been approved by the Uni- versity inspection committee. Go write a note of congratulations to the home owners. They've won out over the no spine monsters again. SS: Yes, sir, Big Daddy Dean, sir. Right away, sir. (Prepares to leave. Pauses. Tugs thought- fully at his chain. Then, timidly:) Big Daddy Dean, sir, how come y'all call them monsters? They seem pretty weak to me. DEAN: Have you forgotten the Big Raid? Scared the pants off me. I'll never give 'em power again. SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir, the raid took place when the vet- erans flocked in. Times have changed. DEAN: Enough! Want to be fired for subversive thoughts? SS: No sir, Big Daddy Dean, sir. I'm on your side, sir. Really and truly, Big Daddy Dean, sir. DEAN: Recite the pledge. SS: (In a fervent monotone) I pledge allegiance to the rule That rules allegiance to the pledge That whips the slave who won't behave To save the house that Jack built. (CURTAIN) SCENE II: Meeting hall of the Spineless Grovelment Associa- tion, where ideas are lost and committees founded. From the ceiling hangs a neon sign, flash- ing the Word for the Day. As the scene opens, the no-spine monsters are seated on a Merry- Go-Round. Each one has a color book, crayons, and a box of No Doze. The meeting is called to order and the Merry-Go-Round starts revolving. (cont. on next page) 5 RECORDS TAPES STEREO Hi-Fi at the HI FI HOUSE HEAD OF THE NO SPINE MONSTERS: Turn to page 5 in your color books. Tonight I have a surprise for you. Big Daddy Dean says we can use any colors we want. 7348590: Why don't he let us draw our own pictures? I'm tired of filling in his lines. Big Daddy Dean doesn't love us at all. We're just a bunch of num- bers to him. HEAD: Now, 7348590, you know that's not true. It says Big Daddy Dean loves us in our SGA Constitution, page 2,756, section 1,954, paragraph 872, line 461. Now everyone start coloring be- cause we've got a lot to do. We have to form a committee to choose a committee to get a lad- der to take the column sitter down. 5734982: I'd like to make a mo- tion to form a committee to choose a committee to get a lad- der to take the column sitter down. 3748658: Second. HEAD: Second the motion? 3748658: No, second commit- tee. I'd like to make a motion to have a committee to evaluate the committee to choose the com- mittee to get a ladder to take the column sitter down. 2394759: Wait a minute! Stop! We're rushing into things. We'd better have a committee to eval- uate the committee to evaluate the committee to choose the com- mittee to . . . (CURTAIN) SCENE III: (Two months have gone by.) Dean Back Track is beneath the column sitter. DEAN: Come down from your column, Kick. It's a negative hour day. KICK: Don't "Kick" me. I'm just a student number to you. DEAN: I'll "Kick" you when- ever I please. KICK: Yah, you don't care about me. DEAN: What's your gripe, anyway? KICK: Toss me a drink and I'll tell you. DEAN: (Throwing him a ther- mos jug removed from a football spectator.) You've got a real liquor problem, haven't you, son? KICK: Yes sir, I do. I won't stop drinking till I hear that click . that little click which tells me you've locked up your rule book. DEAN: If you come down, I'll give you a Type I permit and a football scholarship. KICK: Things, Big Daddy Dean, things! I don't want things, I want trust! DEAN: You're fighting a hope- less war. You haven't any sup- port. KICK: SGA will help me. I know they will. Hmmm, I won- der where they are. DEAN: Last I heard, they were making a motion to form a search party to find the com- mittee to evaluate the commit- tee to choose the committee to get a ladder to take you down. KICK: I guess you're right. I haven't any support. I'm com- ing down. It's no use. (Clutch- ing the thermos jug, he jumps to the ground. He bashes his head against the jug and blood comes pouring from the cut.) DEAN: Too bad about your cuts, son. I'll have to give you a negative hour. (FINAL CURTAIN) Wilson Pucketts Harzfeld'S hi - ho by barb french My name's Queenie. And I'm a pretty sharp chick. I dig all this jazz and have pretty many kicks, but most of the time I hang around this beat up lousy crumby castle writing poetry or something. Anyway, it's exist- ence. Well I got up this morning and put on my black stretch hose and my black sack outfit and my black lipstick and checked myself with that loudmouth mir- ror. "Who the hell is the beatest chick in these here lousy crumby woods?" "You are, you slob." I was satisfied. Old loudmouth knows which side his glass is waxed on. I'm not published in "Badlands" for nothing. I spent the day knocking out- ODE TO A GARBAGE CAN The time is double zero I'm a cat on a cool tin roof Ooozing through the tin Waiting for reality Reality is in between The ticks of the clock It needed something. I strained it for awhile but felt like I was hung up and I couldn't see it anymore. Something was smoth- ering my creativity. I checked with the mirror. "OK, let's hear it buster." "Oh Queenie, I cannot tell a lie. Snow What is more beat than thou. She wears green mas- cara." I clobbered the square with my pointed toe patent leather pump. I'd heard the word on this Snow What before. She shared a pad in the woods with a bunch of little creeps who worked in the dirt all day digging holes like some stupid slaves or some- thing. I decided to check her. I hopped the old broom, threw her in high and slid out. I landed in the weeds behind the pad way on the other side of the crumby woods. Cockle- burrs stuck to my shaggy dress. I crept behind the hut and gave her the eyeball through the back window. Snow What was sing- ing the "Mistletoe Blues" while she fixed her hair in a long arty braid. I was sick. She did wear green mascara 9 and red stretch hose and blue eyeshadow and an orange two piece sack dress with big yellow buttons. She was a Beatnik's Beatnik. I felt hung up. My skirt was stuck on a bush. Oh woe old beat up me. I wasn't a Beatnik, I was a Nud- nik. I felt like a little lost angel of some kind all alone in this crumby lousy too big world. I would probably end up working behind some crumby lousy greaserack wrapping tamales or something. I wanted to know why. Just why man was this happening to me. I couldn't see why and then I knew that God was really a tangerine after all. I flew home. Up in the attic was my old Chem-Co outfit. I stayed up stewing and brewing a batch of stuff that would shaft old Snow What clean out of it. It was a lugubrious effort. I poured the finished stuff in an Old Crow bottle. Bats flew by. The next afternoon I shipped out in a blue sweater and a dark brown skirt and bobby sox and saddles and pink lipstick and tripped gaily through the damn dark woods with a copy of "Leaves of Grass" and the bot- tles of "Old Crow" I looked square type. I knocked the door. Snow What opened and I made with my bit about being new in the woods and all and not knowing anybody and feeling so left out and alone. She suckered. Inside I got her talking about the sto- ries in Ladies' Home Journal and individualism and existentialism and communism and we kept passing the bottle back and forth and feeling it go in our mouths and swallowing it. She got plowed. And she started to re- cite some of her poetry to the background of a chippy bird singing by the window. "Blessed is the schizophrenic, For he shall see God." She flipped out cool like. This cat slid into oblivion and now I felt free again. I dragged her over to the rack and heaved her in. About this time I heard the roar of a motor coming down the road A flashy red MG with side mirrors and foxtails and spoke- type wheels and twin aerials pulled up in front of the pad. The cat ran out. It was Prince. He was com- municating with Snow What. His band held over at the Blue Chute where the coolest blues are squeezed the hottest. I decided I loved him. He came in. I looked at him and he looked at me and we looked at Snow What and Snow What looked at her eyelids and said nothing. Leaning over, he tried to com- municate with her. She was too gone to dig him. He looked at her green mascara and red stretch hose and blue eyeshadow and orange two piece sack dress with big yellow buttons. He looked at my pale blue sweater and dark brown skirt and bobby sox and saddles and pink lip- stick. I looked at his white shirt and khaki pants and brown bucks. He turned. "Let's fly." ZAN "GOT A MATCH?" "Right, Prince." He gave me the glare and we hopped out to the MG and flipped in and the boy pulled out a bot- tle of vino. Thup. I pulled the cork and chugged a shot and shoved it at Prince but he gave me a no-type nod and I shrugged him and put the bottle back in the hold. The hell with him. He wasn't gunning too fast. "Pedal faster man. Speed gives me a charge. Go." Prince looked forward. Ignor- ing me. We wheeled up to the Blue Chute and he got out and went in and I sat there and pret- ty soon I dug he wasn't going to open the damn door for me so I swung my legs over the side and heaved the old torso out the top. Down in the "Chute" Prince was stirring his milk and Bosco. He lived clean. I ordered a Coke and Benny. Poop the barkeep pushed a ben- zedrine in cellophane at me and I dropped it in the Coke and watched it fizzle awhile. I lifted the glass to Prince. "La plume est sur la table." I chugged it all. "That's life-a fizzle." I was being neato and he didn't dig it and he just sipped his Bos- co and the band was playing "Mistletoe Blues"-Snow What's song. Prince leaned way out. I went with the Benny. It was draggin' me and boppin' me and I soured- Wham. I lit and began to glide. Voom. Voom. Put . . put put . . . put. Sheeee. Out. I didn't get what was with him, Plainly he was out of it. Prince wasn't neat after all. He was tidy. The drip liked me. Cra- zy. "Hey drip. Flip me easy but you don't - I mean not - you don't - in like or anything." He was. Oh Tangerine. I mean now you've got to get some kicks and stuff and communicate and all but not for real. Ever. Smeared. Not only was I a Nudnik, I was square. I bugged out. By time I got back to the hole it was dark and I felt gone and miserable and sick and human and creep-type all in one. I grabbed my copy of "Mysticism Made Easy" and started absorb- ing. It didn't work. I went over to the mirror. "Oh mirror give this kid a break and give with a real gone word." "Queenie, you goofed." I thought. I dug. Well catch it - old loudmouth wasn't so dumb after all. Been in the wrong rut. Out of it. Hum de da de dum. Existing. Off with the blue sweater and dark brown skirt and bobby sox and saddles and pink lipstick; on with the black stretch hose and black sack outfit and black lip- stick. And a dash of green mas- cara. Where's the damn broom? And away to a low blow at the Tangle Room Hi ho, slobs. Hi ho. AROUND THE CORNER FROM ANYWHERE The Missouri Store Co. L.R. Stephens Lady: "I want to see some kid gloves for my eight-year-old daughter, please." Clerk: "Yes, madam. White kid?" Lady: "Sir!" "Do you want to sell the horse?" "Yep!" replied the farmer. "Can he run?" "Can he run! Look." Thereup- on he slapped the horse's rump, and off trotted the horse at full speed, running just as prettily as could be. Suddenly the horse ran full speed into a tree. "Is he blind?" asked the startled would-be purchaser. "Why, hell no," replied the farmer, "he just' don't give a damn." A Smile is not all that it's Cracked up to be - By Matt Flynn Lamb's Jewelry I like Ike ZAN my theory by bill zander I had a theory. My theory was that man- kind evolved from the butterfly. I had no proof, but I clung to my theory and cherished it. It was my own. Then one day a great spiritual humility came over me. I saw my selfishness, and sud- denly I knew my duty to mankind. I had been vain and possessive with my theory. I decided I must tell the world. Here at last was my mis- sion in life-to enlighten the masses. And so, when the postman came, I told him my theory. He smiled. Then he handed me a stack of bills and left. I went to my dentist. As I spat in the bowl, I told him my theory. "Of course," he said, "this conflicts with Cornelius Agrippa, who was the first great phi- losopher. Remember what Agrippa said: 'We in time are in time and pro patria morum."' I pondered this, but rejected it as obviously fal- lacious. I walked down to the corner market, where I told my theory to the butcher. He scoffed. "Pah!" he said. "Pah?" I asked. "Yes, pah!" he replied. "You are unfamiliar with embryology, comparative anatomy, anthro- pology, and Army ROTC. Obviously the struc- ture of the butterfly is of another form. Humans cannot be descended from butterflies. I have an- other theory. I maintain we evolved from the Pa- tagonian Chipmunk." We argued long into the evening, my theory against his, but he refused to be enlightened. I saw his bigotry as a barrier in the path of scien- tific advancement. I saw my mother-in-law at her apartment. She was such a sweet, old-fashioned person; I felt sure she would listen, so I told her my the- ory. "But Stu!" she cried. (She calls me Stu, which is short for Stuu.) "It says in Genesis that God created man, not butterflies." "But who then created butterflies?" I cried. "Adam!" she said. "And Noah created polar bears. We all know that from Sunday School." I found this fantastic. She accused me of heresy and threatened to burn me at the stake. Searching scientists have always been hindered by superstition and prejudice in their pursuit of knowledge. The world sneered, cruelly brushing me aside, but I refused to surrender. I asked a pub- lisher to publish my theory. "Where are your facts?" he asked. I remembered the words of another great philosopher, Normen Vinsent Peel. "In hoc ipso facto." I replied. He charged me ten dollars for the interview and burned my manuscript. That night, I pondered at my bedside. Was it worth continuing, this battle for the enlight- enment of men's minds? If the world refused to listen, must I still fight for my beliefs? Was it really worth it? I struggled with my conscience long into the night. I bit the enamel off my bed post. Somehow I knew I must make mankind listen. The next day, my vigor renewed and my outlook more optimistic, I felt certain the world was ready to listen. I went to a professor at a midwestern university. He sat at a small mid- western desk in a small midwestern chair smok- ing a small midwestern reefer. "I have a theory." I told him. "I believe Italian Village mankind descended from the butterfly." He shrugged. "So what?" he asked. "So what?!" I cried. "Can't you see what it could mean to have another of nature's mysteries solved? Think of the scientific advancement, man! I want to tell the world . . why won't you listen?" "Because," he replied, "I am a college pro- fessor." He stood up and walked briskly to his book- shelf. He pointed to a label marked "Science." "Oh, you young, foolhardy dreamer with stars in your eyes!" he muttered, sadly shaking his head. "Look at these books." I was dumbfounded. There, before my un- believing eyes, were such books as "The Butter- fly and You," "Did Your Ancestors Hatch Out of Cocoons?" "I was A Teen-age Butterfly" and "You Entomologists May Be Mounting an An- cestor." "You see," said the professor, "your theory is far from original. The newest theory on evolu- tion is that mankind evolved from the Patagoni- an Chipmunk. Catch up with the times, boy! All the learned philosophers and scholars are study- ing this theory - 34,572 doctoral dissertations have been written on it already. Patagonian Chipmunks are all the rage. Your butterflies are passe!" I was crushed. I thanked him and left. He was right; I didn't really have any proof. As I flew home, I decided to give up the whole damned thing. an ode to ale by Larry Postaer Were I to have just one delight, And put all else behind me I'd choose a pitcher full of beer And let its froth entwine me. For be it winter, still man glows As if the time were spring. Yea, though I walk the deathly val', With beer, I am the king. Guzzlers, join my ferment prayer Forget the girls around you. Grab up my heady words of praise Let alcohol surround you. Take one last look at campus green, Tip back the glass, pollute your spleen. HARLEQUIN Here's your chance to put that overworked cranium to task on some easy-to-write limericks and a chance, too, to win cigarette money (L & M, Chesterfield or Oasis of course.) Here are the rules and the stakes: Each month, the Harlequin will award $5 for the best limerick submitted with an empty L & M pack. Another $5 will be given for the best limerick submitted with an empty Chester- field pack and a third $5 for the best limerick submitted with an empty Oasis pack. Ten (10) honorary mention winners each month will re- ceive Happy Talk games, the new hilarious word game. Write on any subject you want. (Make it printable, though). Enter as often as you knock off a pack of the above-mentioned cigarettes and make sure you include that empty pack. Contest is open to any Missouri, Stephens or Christian College student or their faculty members. Entries must be mailed or taken to the Har- lequin office, 302 Read Hall, and the March con- test deadline is April 2. Names of winners will be published in April's Harlequin. CONTEST IS JUDGED BY "YOUR FRIENDS" - HARLEQUIN EDITORS! Here are a couple of limericks; we know you can do better. L & M CHESTERFIELD KING MENTHOL-MILD OASIS "I say name of you are having by charles allen A young instructor, it is said, walked into the first class he taught at Mizzou, introduced himself, looked severely at each student, paused significantly, and said, "I say, none of you are hav- ing illicit sex relations, are you?" The instructor explained he had been told to "watch out" for this sort of thing. Whether or not there is any truth in such a re- port, it offers amusing possibili- ties. One can't help but wonder: Just what in the hell is an instructor supposed to see in a classroom? True, college education is becom- 18 ing less formal daily, but after all . . . And, bureaucracies being what they are, this sort of thing cer- tainly wouldn't end in the class- room. With a little effort, one can picture the kind of situations that might result . . . The scene: Main Library, the Stacks. Time: 5:30. Drs. Schlitz and Magoo meet on the way out. "Hello there, Magoo. Say, Ber- trand Russell is speaking in Jes- se this evening, you know. Are you going?" "Oh, that's right. Damn. No, I can't. I'd really like to and all that, but. well, you see . its this way. . I've got Hink Patrol again tonight, and . well . ." "Oh, I see. Well, Magoo, it's a shame. Seems like you've had more than your regular rotation lately." "Yes, ever since I caught elev- en of the rascals in one night. Gave me a badge for that, you know. Come to think of it, I haven't seen your name on the roster-how do you get out of it?" illicit sex relations, are you?" "Well old boy, I'm no longer on Hink. They gave me drive-in theaters." "You sly old dog, you. At least you don't get your feet muddy, I'll bet." "Well, that true. Then again, it pays more than teaching, you know." "Yes. Well. I must run." "Well, goodby. And remember, you're SAFE with Eveready. Heh, heh, heh ." And think of the additional paperwork required. As it is now, nearly all the administrative pa- per consumed in the typical stu- dent-instructor relationship is used for grade reports. But with the spy system in full force, the semester's reports would look more like this: MONTHLY REPORT OF SUS- PECTED SUBVERSIVE AC- TIVITIES B Y INELIGIBLE STUDENTS: October, 1958. Lo- thario Rubirosa, Instructor. My English class has been meeting for a month now. There is as yet no positive indication, but I suspect that perhaps Mary Louise Smith bears watching. However, I have no concrete proof. It's just that she sleeps through every class. It's a 2:40 class. MONTHLY REPORT (etc.): November, 1958. Lothario Rubi- rosa, Instructor. I am becoming a little more positive in my sus- picions about Mary Louise Smith. The other day in class she said D. H. Lawrence is her favorite writer. And this Alice Mae Jones can probably stand some checking, as well as Ro- berta R. Reese. The other day in 19 SANITONE ROBINSON'S CLEANERS the Union I noticed them reading old copies of Showme. MONTHLY REPORT (etc.): December, 1958. Lothario Rubi- rosa, Instructor. It is almost cer- tain now. While my evidence is inconclusive and not scientific, my conviction grows each day that Mary Louise Smith, Alice Mae Jones and Roberta R. Reese are definitely subversive. My fi- nal conclusion will be stated in next month's report. MONTHLY REPORT (etc.): January, 1959. I was all wrong. None of these girls is guilty. They are fine, wonderful people. There were no subversive per- sons in my English 40 class this past semester. REPORT OF FINAL GRADES: Fall, 1958. Lothario Rubirosa, Instructor. Mary Louise Smith - -- ----. A Alice Mae Jones --------------- A Roberta R. Reese -----------A-. A John Peterson --------------. ----. B George Harris -.------------. C Bertha Fleegleham -------. D Joseph Meyers .-------------. F David Summers .-------.-. C And Rubirosa, having diligent- ly done his duty, prepares for another semester. Now he has new ideas. He's grown used to the system; he likes it. But the paperwork isn't completed yet- he receives a letter from the administration . . . "Dear Mr. Rubirosa: "You're fired. "It has come to our attention in the semester report submitted by Mary Louise Smith, chief stu- dent counterspy . . . " Military Ball Queen Miss Ann Kueker of Kappa Alpha Theta Admires new spring fashions at. Gene Glenn Shoes the problems involved in artistic endeavor by matt flynn The Stables Eliss resigns - - - (See Tribune) Joe Schlunk wins ROTC honor Medal U. Phelta Thi axed again U. Phelta Thi is on pro again, the Anteater learned yesterday. Although the incident took place two weeks ago, Anteater did not learn of it immediately. According to a usually reli- able source, this is how it hap- pened: Nobody seems to know the full story, as Rick Short, inves- tigator, has been quite secretive about the whole thing. However, it is known that the house rec- ords showed a total of $2,749.51 expended for liquor in Febru- ary. The total bill for food and drink was $2,750.00. The trouble seems to lie in the amount spent. The records clearly indicate, one official said, that two Shackburgers were bought during the month. "What we want to know is this-how did they get two Shackburgers for 49 cents? There is something subversive about the whole thing." It is seldom the Anteater's routine sources sunnlv son-do Moxley seen taking money Jim Moxley, noted campus wheel, takes money from an un- identified person at the Student Union. Moxley, who used to be quite active at Mizzou, has been operating furtively lately and has dropped into relative obscurity. He was shocked and embarrassed when ace Anteater photographer Pete Peterson caught him unaware and took this picture. He jumped when the flash went off, turned 380th given this year by Alva Norse Editor Joe Schlunk, sophomore in (cont. on page 9) Petitioning begins for 33rd year Petitioning will begin tomor- row at 8 a.m. in Room 343 of the Student Union, according to Nanci Hoffman, chairman. Miss Hoffman said this is the 33rd year petitioning has been open, and that a greater re- sponse is expected than last year, when nobody showed up. Petitions may be picked up at the student union information desk, in room 512 of Jesse Hall, or in the Anteater office, where 200 were sent by mistake. Miss Hoffman emphasized the importance of this continuing and said it is urgent tailed an account of a story. We would like, therefore, to express our heartfelt appreciation to the Minnesota Daily. at Union toward Peterson and our reporter, and said emphatically, "oh, you would!" He takes money regularly in his job as a cashier in the fountain shop, and says he enjoys the work. (Photo by Pete Peterson, Anteater) that all students be thoroughly familiar with it. University of MISSOURI THE Anteater Volume "the paper that creeps. Price 10c too much C.C. of .763 with events Experts disagree on cause of 'important' phenomenon Until late last week, a beard- growing craze was running ram- pant on campus. Then, sudden- ly and without warning, stu- dents began shaving, and now many of them are bare-faced again. When asked for his opinion on this phenomenon, a noted M. U. psychologist stated: "This is quite an interesting psychological phenomenon, I think. That is, assuming of course, that our data is correct, and that other variables had no influence, we probably have es- tablished definitely that there is some sort of interconnection- interrelationship-here with re- cent international events. We derived a correlation coefficient of .763, you know." A University sociologist said, "This is not a psychological phe- nomenon; it is plainly sociologi- cal!" The School of Journalism is- sued what is believed to be the first statement on the matter: "This is obviously a malicious program instigated by jealous, misanthropic individuals bent on distracting attention from the beneficial effects of the 50th An- niversary publicity campaign." Well, of course we'll never know just why it happened, but it certainly was interesting while it lasted. (See editorial, "Beard Craze Indicates Support for Castro") Mo-Maids will practice tomorrow The Mo-Maids will practice to- morrow night from 7:30 to 9:30 swimming. "Mo-Maid" is a pun on the word "mermaid," meaning "Mis- souri mermaid," sort of. The evening's activities will include considerable swimming in the water, swimming for which the girls have practiced long hours. One of Anteater's top staff members watched the practice, and says the show promises to be an excellent one. "They sure swim good," he said. Exposed. J-School only 49 years old! (see page 24) "Bust to Bust" a powerful movie By Dud Doorknob "Bust to Bust," the new Itali- an movie, opened the other night at the Prince's Pan. I've seen a lot of big ones this year, but nothing like this. Gena Lolobridge was fabu- lous as Gina, street-strumpet driven to the depths by a brutal father who beat her when she drowned her little brother. So- fia Lorinse was wonderful as the social worker who tried to re- form Gina. The picture was powerful. Every power-packed scene was full of power, creating a power- ful effect. The greatest thing about this great movie was the great story It captured perfectly the mood the very essence of Italy and the Italian people. Much credit must be given to Pady Cheyefsky who wrote it. The photography was wonder- ful. Rarely have I seen color used with such wonderful ef- fects. It was handled superbly and deserves an Oscar nomina- tion, particularly when you con- sider the movie was shot in black and white. The locale of the story is Rome, although quite a bit of it takes place in Milan. And some time is spent in Turin, Genoa, Naples, Venice and San Francis- co. But that's not important. What is important is the sen- sitive, deft manner in which the story is handled. Gina is consid- ered by all her friends an in- corrigible. Ninochka, the Italian social worker, cannot believe this to be true of anybody, and sets about to prove that Gina is basically the "right kind" of person, but just hasn't been giv- en a chance. This is the basic conflict of the story. After an hour and a half of powerful cinema, the conflict is resolved. Gina and Ninochka each put up half the money and go into partnership in a bordel- lo in Palermo. Its candor and stark realism make "Bust to Bust" a must. Harden Crag Says Shakespe Students are still buzzing about Harden Crag's lecture Wednesday. He was discussing "Hamlet," when suddenly he stopped in the middle of a sen- tence, gazed intently around the room, extended both arms to- ward the students, and, with ev- erybody waiting in eager antici- pation for the great, profound proclamation they knew was coming, exclaimed" Shakespe the beet generation happy heathen hermit Hermit life is happy- Strange but very true. Togetherness is sticky . . . Like a glob of glue. Write my own term papers, Find it's worth the strain. Guess I'm rather funny . . . Like to use my brain. Never in the Union, With the tittering crowd. Rather go to concerts . . . Music's not so loud. Eat my dinner quietly, Table talk's a bore. Only words I utter- 'Yummy! Give me more!" Serve on no committees, Won't reach Who's Who fame. What the hell's the difference- Phone book has my name. 24 WHERE? where are those students who drink red wine in bars and keep bleu cheese in little jars and quote freud at every blast where everyone gets nicely gassed who wear goatees and sneer at others jocks and greeks and christian brothers and quote james joyce and use loud curses talk of death and shrouds and hearses lay on grimy floors dead soused to a hi-fi's thundering faust and never wash their salad bowls or shoes or socks whose heels have holes and talk of sex at abstract heights or passionate grips by candle lights and when in class are never shaved and never have a nickle saved and chain smoke with a nervous tic and look like death but never sick and crash your parties mooch your booze blast out with avant garde views insult your friends and steal your date with an off-hand spiel on fate going fast a strange oppression security is the new obsession -Don Mullen how to be a social success by cliff gordan There are four important rules involved in becoming a social suc- cess, and one is probably impor- tant as another. However, if I were to make a choice, I would be forced to place this require- ment above all others: LIE. There are various forms of lying which are helpful, but only two subjects may be lied about acceptably. These are: 1) Yourself; and 2) other people. Both have their place. When ly- ing about yourself, you may lie about your job or your back- ground (I have been unable to indulge in this form of lying, com- ing, as I do, from a long line of Virginia Colonels, war heroes and Presidents), or tell the beau- tiful girls of your acquaintance that you are unmarried and have honorable intentions. Lying about other people is so- cially advantageous, and there is a certain pleasure to be had when the person being lied about is a personal enemy. When lying about other people, however, one must always remember to avoid disputable facts, and to speak in vague generalities, or make the lie so black that no one would confront the perpetrator with it. Lying about other people is practical indeed. For instance, it can readily dispose of the indi- vidual who might step into the vacant vice-presidency ahead of you, or that unspeakable clod who keeps blackballing you out of the Club every year. It is Photo by pete peterson 25 Columbia Opticians No intelligent student needs an encyclopedia to recognize the following groups as lead- ers in their fields: Mafia Quantrill's Raiders Tweed Ring Murder, Inc. Black Hand BENGAL SHOP Not all M.U. students eat at the BENGAL . . only those with courage. Enjoy the thrill of eating in an atmosphere of real danger. Run down and join the mob at the BENGAL, but hurry . . . there's no telling when Lew will lose his license, and you may be too late. however, best suited in the case of courtship. Nothing will anger a sweet, unspoiled young girl and make her fall into your arms as quickly, as learning from a trusted source (you, or her best friend, who may be bought) that her other suitor is being unfaithful to her with several girls whose reputa- tions are somewhat shady. The second rule for social suc- cess is closely allied to the first: CHEAT. First, cheat in social games of all sorts. Cheat to win or cheat to lose, depending on the sports- manship of your group and whether they most admire a good winner or a good loser. Secondly, cheat in love affairs. Have at least three young ladies with whom you have mutual vows to love forever. Here, great discretion must be exercised, and the use of one or more aliases will often prove most convenient. In such a case, should one of your sweet young things forsake you, even if she is your favorite, your reserves will prove ample com- pensation. Thirdly, cheat in business. Here, I have found embezzlement to be the most profitable. The several ill chosen words spoken by the gendarmerie con- cerning the morality of this par- ticular type of cheating should not deter you from your goal of success. Embezzling not only establishes you as a terribly clever fellow, but gives you that self-control which comes with affluence, that devil-may-care continental atti- tude which results from giving a friend a light with a fifty-dol- lar bill in the center of the room at a large cocktail party, and that Richard Cory feeling deep down inside, when people turn and look as you slimly and im- perially stroll down the street. The third rule is: DRINK. Ev- erybody loves a drunken man. They laugh and joke with him; they listen sympathetically to his views on any subject; and they take him home and put him to bed at night. In short, everyone is his friend. Not to drink, on the other hand, is society's cardinal sin. In my younger days, waiters snickered behind their hands when I ordered ginger ale; friends snickered openly when I pro- posed toasts with my bottle of pop; and people pointed me out to their friends as "the one I was telling you about." Happily, those tortured days are past. I now can drink heartily throughout the day and as long as I am on my feet after dinner; I am the most popular person in my group of socially successful friends; I can look waiters straight in the eye; I am loudly cheered when I pro- pose a toast; and I am introduced as "the only honest-to-God alco- holic I know." This same success may be yours, gentle reader, if you will follow my well-consid- ered example. The final rule to consider is: TELL DIRTY STORIES. It has been my experience that next to a drunken man, people love a man who knows, and tells, an abundance of dirty stories and who can roll obscene limericks off his tongue at the drop of a beer glass. The telling of dirty stories is an art which is acquired only through practice, combined with a certain inherent linguistic tal- ent. First of all, the time and place for telling dirty stories must be selected carefully. Clergymen, butlers, and grandmothers must never be told dirty stories, un- less of course, they tell one first. In such a case, it is permissible to tell some slightly off-color jokes or mildly bawdy anecdotes. Naturally, there will be occasions when you should refrain entirely from ribaldry, such as grace be- fore meat, family prayers, and times of dangerous sickness or death in the family. The delivery of the dirty story must be polished and well re- hearsed. The sly look here, the well timed leer there, are equal- ly important with the proper use of Irish brogue, Texas drawl, or whatever the particular story calls for. The importance of this phase of social success may be illus- trated by the sad and tragic os- tracization of Pendleton A. Full- fedder. Pendleton lied and cheated beautifully, and was a confirmed alcoholic. Noting these fine qualities, people of the right sort began to make friends with him, and soon Pendleton A. Full- H.R. Mueller FLORIST fedder was on his way to social success. However, one black day, as Pendleton's new-found friends sat drinking pernod, telling lies, and cheating one another at gin rum- my, Jerome P. Snively III, a so- cial success, said, "Say, has any- body ever heard Pendleton A. Fullfedder (as they affectionate- ly called him) tell a good dirty story?" No one had. For the next two weeks, Pen- dleton was watched closely in all his social actions. It was soon discovered that he could neither tell a dirty story well nor carry the tune to "The Lady In Red." Jerome P. Snively III and all his socially successful friends im- mediately deserted poor Pendle- ton, who is now a social outcast and sits around telling funny stories to his friends at Alcoholics Anonymous. However, you need not fail so miserably in your quest for so- cial success as did Pendleton A. Fullfedder. For here within your grasp is the very key to that hallowed goal. Work diligently, for nothing worthy comes easily; practice lying and drinking long hours; deevlop your own inimit- able style of telling dirty stories; and become proficient to the point of undetectable perfection in your cheating. It is thus, and only thus, that social successes are made. A swarm of bees was flying over the desert when the queen bee found that she was almost out of gas. Gathering her clan, she led them all down to a Gulf station to gas up. They all fol- lowed her except one, who re- fused to go. It seems he was an Esso bee. NEUKOMM'S photos by art terry the harlequin leers Kay Foreman is-rather appropri- ately, we think-a physical educa- tion major. She's an ADPi, was run- nerup in the recent National Miss Press Photographer contest in St. Louis before entering Engine Queen competition, works her way through school by modeling on weekends. A junior now, she hopes to get her Masters and teach mod- ern dance at the college level, pos- sibly at the University of Arizona, where she's been offered a chance to teach part-time while doing grad- uate work. ZAN "Mozart, Shmozart! - will it Sell?" record review by iohn vickerman Here we are, cats. This month we're going to cover five or six of the new LP's. We'll do more or less the same each month, con- centrating on jazz and pops. The classical will be left for Maneater reviewers. Here's one for you T.V. detec- tive buffs. Shelly Manne and his men play Peter Gunn, swinging far and high on the themes by Henry Macini. Reminiscent of "The Man With the Golden Arm," the album shows Manne at his wild-eyed best, as well as providing some soft sounds with vibes to the front. Some of the best from both categories: "Sorta Blue," "Fallout," and a little work titled "The Brothers Go To Mother's". The jacket features a picture of Peter, complete with Gunn. Manne gets in his licks on an- other law-and-order thing, the sound-track from "I Want to Live." Written by Johnny Man- del, the track has some weird in- strumentation, with everything from a harp to a contrabass clari- net. Much of the album is morbid, with almost all of side two des- criptive of what's going on be- hind the green door. Sample ti- tles: "Nightmare," "Preparation for Execution," "The Last Mile," "Unveiling of the Gas Chamber." You get the idea. But there are some drivey, raucous sets too, and the thing's worth a listen, if you dig the symbolism. And as the sun slowly sinks behind picturesque old San Quentin, we wend our way home- ward to the strains of "Halls of Ivy," sung by the Gene Lowell Chorus. This 12-man group sings some old favorites calculated to bring a tear to the eye of any drunken old grad. From top tenor to basso profundo, they sing extremely well, and the selections are col- legiate - collegiate all the way. The even do "Old Missouri," with cleaned-up lyrics. The phrase "Cayuga's Waters" is sub- stituted for the more prosaic "Hinkson." Romping, stomping, low-down gut-bucket jazz is the staple com- modity of Donna Hightower on "Take One," and it comes over loud and clear. Miss Hightower has a lot in common with Dakota Staton, but she has more voice, more bounce. And she can wail the blues as well as growl and stomp; "Baby, Get Lost" on side one is a good example. A piano and what amounts to a four-man rhythm 29 Tiger Freeze Kones at the Kampustowne Grocery KING COLE DRIVE INN section provide the accompani- ment. Flute, bass flute, recorder, cello, harpsichord, concert guitar, and lute. No, they're not playing the Goldberg Variations. It's "18th Century Jazz," by the Jack Marshall Sextette. The group uses some elderly instrumentation for some 20th- Century numbers, and the effect, while wacky, is generally pleas- ing. Marshall starts by noodling a little on the guitar, and the crew picks it up and goes to work, Bach-style. Worth hearing: "Isn't It Ro- mantic," "Jeepers Creepers," and "Sweet Georgia Brown". Verily it swingeth. In closing, we thank the Hi-Fi House, without whose coopera- tion this venture could be damned expensive. The RAND Shoe HOLT'S SHOES this month's BALFOUR BEAUTY Miss Barbara Kay Heiter, Kappa Alpha Theta. Recently pinned to Glen St. Pierre, Phi Delta Theta, Her pin by Balfour Troy C. Newman, Agent Official Fraternity and Sorority Pins Crested and engraved gifts L. G. BALFOUR Missouri Theater Building "damn engineers" New game on campus: Button, button, here comes the house- mother. "The inner restraint," said the psychology professor, "may be applied as well to our everyday lives. Observe, for example, the fly which has just lit upon the end of my nose. I do not get ex- cited, I do not raise my voice, I do not swear, I do not blaspheme -I merely say: go away, fly- GODDAM, IT'S A BEE!" Anyone can play bridge, but it takes a cannibal to throw up a hand. Looking up, naive surprise Showing in blue, startled eyes As the prof, with proper care, Lays the facts of life quite bare. You will pardon me if I Smile at you, so sweet and shy; You can fool the rest, no doubt But my roommate took you out. UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE Student Union Building THE DRIVEATERIA Hi-way & 63 South Car-a-minute service Guaranteed food Large parking area Featuring Burgers & Shakes Ernie's Steak House Garland's From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest: R. Pippenger killed a beaver on Muuddy Creek, with his gun, that weighed 60 pounds. Heaviest gun in the West. From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest: Stacy Phillips after wintering in Oklahoma, is back in the home town and has taken an apartment. He is looking better than for some time and his wit remains keen. He commented, "I didn't come back to see my fiends. I came back to let them see me." Everyone should have a pet. In "Reflections on the Wildcat Strikes," a reading in Collective Behavior, by Turner and Killian, authors Jerome F. Scott and George C. Homans had this to say: Of one thing we felt sure: that some of the facile explanations of the wildcat strikes were almost obviously inadequate by themselves. . . In the long run, a number of the strikes seemed to stem from faculty communication . Well now, no wonder they struck! ZAN "I'd like to exchange this coat- the sleeve fell off." Letter to the editors Dear Mr. Editor, I want to give you some of my views on the American Congress of University Residence Halls meeting that is going to be held here at old Mizzou next month. I have heard that you want to publish what the students are thinking in your magazine, and I hope you will print my letter, because this meeting is very im- portant and it can do a lot of good. I have been wanting to spread the word ever since Mr. Clingan told us about it at a Board of MRHA Governors meet- ing early this month, and though I have been talking it up to the guys over in the dorm, I think it should have a wider audience. Mr. Clingan handed us copies of the proposed program for the meeting. The title of the program was "ACTION, COOPERATION, UNITY, RESPONSIBILITY, and HAPPINESS." I think that was very clever, the way they used the initials of the organization, and it really hits the nail on the head, because that is the goal that dorm life can give you. I have my copy of the program before me as I write. The theme of the conference is "Participa- tion." I don't think that they could have chosen a better theme. We all need to participate more. It is fitting, I think, to touch on one of the principles that has made our country great, one of the guiding lights that our fore- fathers set before us when they were planning the great Ameri- can Way of Life for us. Friday, April 17, there are group discussions after the first general session. The topics of these discussions are Participat- ing in Improvement of House Government, Participating in Stimulating Spirit, Participating in Raising Scholarship, Partici- pating in Effective Communica- tions, Participating in the Intra- mural Program, Participating in House Discipline, Participating in Eliminating Cafeteria Prob- lems, Participating in Stimulat- ing Extra-Curricular Activities, Participating in Social Activities. I think it was very wise of whoever wrote the program to put in the paragraph about how the students who attend the meet- ing should help their friends to participate in all these things, because what are friends for, anyway? The next day there is another especially important session, a panel discussion about living to- gether in groups. The topics cov- ered are "What is Adjustment?", "Personal Adjustment", "Social Adjustment", and "The Rewards of Adjustment". If there is one thing in the world that is important, it is ad- justment. Men have to live to- gether, and they ought to be ad- justed, because it is so much simpler that way, and you don't get all these people who are hos- tile and who have all these radi- cal ideas that are corrupting some of the youth of our Nation. If everyone was adjusted, then fine people like the late Joe Mc- Carthy wouldn't have to waste their valuable time finding out who all the radicals were, and we wouldn't have all these atom- ic scientists chickening out and starting dangerous petitions. There is no two ways about it. You have to be all for the group, or you will cause trouble. More LIBSON Shops On the Strollway STANDARD DRUGS The STEIN CLUB of us need to be all for the group. Live by the group and for the group, every moment of every day, in every way. Some of my radical friends have asked me about why I be- lieve this, and I try to tell them how comforting it is to know that you're among guys who accept you, who do the things you do, who believe the same things you do, who dress like you, and who talk about the same things you do. It gives you a warm feeling inside. One guy I know who used to live in the dorms until he got mad and said he couldn't stand the conformity and moved to a fraternity where he said they would let him be an oddball if he would raise the fraternity's grade point average, well, this guy is pretty maladjusted, but I see him every once in a while anyway just to remind myself of how well off I am. To get on with it, this guy asks me ques- tions like what would have hap- pened if Van Gogh had been ad- justed and what if Einstein was to live in a dorm or a frat. Van Gogh was that painter, you know, the one that cut off his ear, which was a damned maladjusted thing to do, if you ask me. They say he used to like to be alone a lot and would get mad at people for disturbing him, but I ask you, so what? So the guy painted a bunch of crummy pictures of wheat fields and peasants. Was he successful? Did he make a de- cent living, or even own a car? Did he have a wife and kids and do something useful for society? No! And if Einstein was to come and live in a dorm or a frat, I don't see my friend's argument there. He'd have to be about 60 years younger (and alive, too- my friend didn't think of that), but I bet if he came to live with the guys in our house, he'd have a swell time. I bet he'd get a Princeton haircut right off and ditch that beat-up sweater for a new crew-neck. I admire Ein- stein a lot from what I've read of him. He was a fine man, and he certainly would have seen the advantages of adjusting and par- ticipating in group actiivties. Someone that intelligent would just about have to see it. I am rambling on. But I do want to stress the importance and significance of this meeting and the theme of it, because there is no more important subject in today's world and for the future of us all than Adjustment and Participation. George Johnson She: "I'm so discouraged. Ev- erything I do seems to be wrong." He: "What are you doing to- night?" OSTRACIZED Moon Valley Villa Breathes there a man with soul so dead, Who never to himself has said, "To hell with school, I'll stay in bed!" TASTEE FREEZE * Mademoiselle Foot Flairs capezios de Angelo The novus shop The teacher was explaining to the grammar school students the merits of owning a yearbook and having one's picture in it. "Just think," she said. "Thirty years from now you can look in this annual and say, 'There's Willie Jones; he's a judge now. And there's Sally White; she's a nurse. And there's . . " "And there's teacher," came a voice from the back of the room. "She's dead." "May I have another cookie?" "Another cookie what?" "Another cookie, please.' "Please who?" "Please, mother." "Please, mother what?" "Please, mother dear." "Hell no, you've had six al- ready." 36 reunion They still talk about the day we met Downstairs in Jesse Hall: "Class reunion, '48- "They really had a ball!" Almost all the gang was there To laugh and reminisce, To talk about the times we'd had, The ones we'd always miss. Things seemed the same as they were "then," The same old happy gang; We talked and laughed into the night, And later on we sang. We sang the songs that thrilled us when We all were students here; Sang and laughed, then sang some more And yelled, "Bring on the beer!" Then I went home and barfed. It was the most nauseating experience I've ever had. From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest: It has been brought to the attention of the City that two, maybe more, residences who are connected to the sewer system, are con- tinuing to use their outdoor toilets. The ordinances prohibit the use of outdoor toilets and this practice must stop. Use your stools! It is the duty of the press to flush out wrongdoing. Also from the Golden City Digest: Someone asked Tuesday morning what the corn sheller was do- ing in front of the postoffice. That happens to be a mailbox. Another new-fangled invention they're not used to. TIGER LAUNDRY & DRY CLEANING CO. There once was a sculptor named Phidias Whose statues were perfectly hidias; He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie, Which vexed the ultra-fastidi- ous. The old man believed in rein- carnation, but just before he died, his wife made him promise to try to communicate with her from the spirit world. Twelve months after his death, she ac- tually made contact with him. "Are you happy there?" she asked. "Happier than I can possibly describe," he answered. "The pas- tures here are greener, and the skies bluer. It's a beautiful world, and the weaker sex are the love- liest imaginable. And their deep wistful eyes speak constantly of love." Several NROTC cadets were on a training cruise and none of them was responding particularly well to the rolling and tossing of the ship. An old salt ap- proached the first of several boys lining the rail. "Got a weak stomach, eh?" he said with a smile. "Hell no," replied the cadet, "I'm tossing it just as far as any of them." "Mommy, Mommy," bawled the little girl, "Daddy just killed my kitty." "Don't cry, dear, maybe he had to," the mother replied sympa- thetically. "No he didn't," screamed the heartbroken child, "he promised me I could do it!" A certain radio announcer had charge of a Man-in-the-Street program, his duties being to chat with people on the streets of the town in which he was employed. One day a drunk staggered up to his microphone and said, "I wanna play 'Knock knock."" Seeing no harm in this, the an- nouncer said that it would be all right. "Okay," said the drunk, "knock knock." "Who's there?" asked the an- nouncer. "Argo," said the drunk. "Argo who?" said the announc- er. "Argo to hell," said the drunk, chortling gleefully. Immediately the local gen- darmes collected and carted the ill-fated announcer away to jail. He was sentenced to five years for permitting profanity to be broadcast over his program. Dur- ing his five years in jail, how- ever, he made it his business to learn every "Knock knock" joke in existence, so that such a thing could never be pulled on him again. When finally released, he returned to his old job on the Man-in-the-Street program. On the first day of his resump- tion of duties, a sober, staid busi- nessman stepped up to the mi- crophone and announced that he wanted to play "Knock knock." Sure of his ground, our protag- onist said it would be all right. "Knock knock," said the man. "Who's there?" asked the an- nouncer. "Peggy," said the man. The announcer thought over every single "Peggy" gag that existed, and finally decided that they were all presentable. "Peggy who?" he asked. "Argo to hell," said the man. Barth's Clothing Co. INC life in johnston hall by charlie greaves To ridicule the ridiculous often is only ridiculous in turn. There- fore, in presenting excerpts from the booklet, "Life in Johnston Hall," only a few footnote com- ments and a brief summation of meaning and significance will be made. One thing should be clarified beyond doubt: This booklet ac- tually exists. It is given to the new girls in Johnston Hall it is their Code. So now, as we stand together on the threshold of nausea. * * * * "Welcome to your college home, Johnston Hall. This year promises to be a wonderful year for you as well as for those of us who work with you here. I hope it will hold all you have dreamed your first year at 'Miz- zou' would hold for you; both in- tellectual and spiritual growth, and social adjustment. 1. This shows a keen insight into the dreams of 17- and 18- year-old girls. "Let's start the day right - with a smile and a 'Good Morn- ing.' Let's walk with a light step, not a heavy tread. Let's bang no doors and let us speak no louder than necessary. "Now we are off to a good start . "Now, I am going to say very little about how to make intro- ductions . I have a number of books in the office with entire chapters on the subject of intro- ductions . "I would like to suggest those whom you should make a point to introduce to your housemoth- ers: 1. Your parents. 2. Your overnight guests. 3. Your fre- quent men callers. We want to know these college men, who come often, in order to make them feel welcome . . "Perhaps you might say some- thing like this: 'Good evening, Mrs. Burrus, I am Mary Smith 2. There's something wrong with the sentence somewhere. and this is Bob Jones. I am so glad you could come to our dance.' Or: 'Good afternoon, Mi ss Koepke, I'm Mary Smith. It is so nice to see you here. Could I bring you a glass of punch?"3 "Just try to remember that your housemother and the chap- erones are all actually human beings4 . . . You know you may be a housemother yourself some- day . . . "Men should stand for you just as you stand for older wom- en. They should hold doors for you and let you precede them. I hope you girls will see that they do this . . . "I also suggest that if you have an engagement, that you do not keep your young man waiting for you. If you do, he 3. These people won't be at all suspicious when everybody says the same thing. However, they may wonder where all the Mary Smiths came from. 4. Easily missed facts should be clearly pointed out. may keep you waiting 'at the church' . . "Now - a word about 'thank you' notes . . . Write these notes on good stationery and make them warm, informal, and above all sincere . . . "Table manners is a topic to which a whole book could be devoted . . .The array of silver- ware is very seldom so large as to be confusing. However, the general rule is to begin at the outside and work in. And it is important to be well groomed at the table and to remember that meals are meant for pleas- ure.6 "You all know the fundamen- tal rules of good table manners . . . I believe if you would dis- cuss this subject in your separate corridor meetings and perhaps have some fun illustrating or cari- 5. Yes, be sincere; that's an order! 6. Not for eating or for nourish- ment. caturing the common mistakes that are made, it would help a great deal . . . "Good grooming is another requisite of a charming woman. This calls for: 1. Exquisite clean- liness - and make sure that this includes your hair. 2. Neatness. 3. Attention to many details such as shoes polished and nails in good condition. Good posture is also an important part of your appearance. Practice sitting gracefully, standing straight and tall, and walking like a queen. The results will be wonderful!7 "Now a word or two about love-making. They tell me that it is here to stay - but please, refrain from showing any great affection in public It causes em- barrassment to others and gentle people avoid this. You under- stand that I am not referring to a goodnight kiss or two or three. But I trust that all of you will 7. Look what it did for Eliza- beth. 39 always keep your moral stand- ards high and then you'll never need to feel ashamed.8 "Now that that subject is dis- posed of the day must be nearly over.9 Can you count how many times you have said, 'Please' and 'Thank you'? Let us see if we can say these words just twice as often tomorrow - whenever anyone performs a service for you, however small.10 "These are magic words, girls, and there is another potent trans- former that I would suggest to you - and that is praise. Never withhold it - simply pour it out on others - and you will reap a rich reward." "In fact if you will observe all the courtesies that I have mentioned and make frequent use of the magic words and smile with it all, you won't need to attend a charm school because you'll have the traits that the word implies and you will all become more lovely and gracious and attractive than you now are. "And that is what I want for you!" Some might argue that the reason for this booklet's exist- ence is its puerility. Others, look- ing deeper and more analytically, might say the banality is more important. Still others would probably contend that there is no reason. However, the significant thing about it is that it shows that somebody cares. It tells us what to do to get along in college, how to throw off the debasing shell of individuality and enjoy the Warm Womb of Togetherness, how to live every moment of our every day. It's so wonderful . . why, it's almost as if we were children again. 8. One person's shame may be another's social adjustment. 9. Not necessarily, but anything further would be anticlimactic. 10. If you said them once on the first day of the month and carried through this "twice as often tomorrow," on the last day you would have to say them 1,073,941,824 times. 11. Say something like, "I real- ly had to admire the way you took Harry away from me at the dance Saturday night, Mary." Little Boy: "Mom, I was in a fight today." Mother: "W ha t happened, son?" Little Boy: "Some boy called me a sissy." Mother: "What did you do?" Little Boy: "I hit him with my purse!" Mother: "What's that you're reading, son?" Little Boy: "God's Little Acre, mom." Mother: "Oh, all right, dear. I was afraid you'd gotten hold of Harlequin." "Mother, I'm going to the mo- vies." "All right, dear, but don't strain your eye." 40 The Kingston Trio at The Record Shop DORN-CLONEY dean's Town & Country "One of America's Outstanding College Shops." A baby stork was perturbed because his mother was gone all night and he asked his father about it. "Why, your mother has been making people very happy," the father stork replied. The next night the father stork was gone and the baby stork asked his mo- ther where he was. "Your fa- ther is out making people very happy," the mother stork replied. The next night the baby stork was gone till the wee hours. When he came in the mother stork and father stork asked where he had been. "Oh, out scaring hell out of college kids," he replied. Teacher (warning her students against catching cold): "I had a little brother who was seven years old. He took his sled out into the cold one day, caught pneumonia, and died." Voice from the rear: "Where's his sled?" An Econ professor distributed copies of the examination to his class. One student read it and exclaimed: "Sir, this is exactly the same exam you gave last semester." "That's all right," said the pro- fessor. "I've changed the an- swers." "Do you enjoy Browning?" "No, but sometimes I have to resort to it around exams." "Oh dear," she said, "with so much temptation about you, I'm afraid you'll do something you'll be ashamed of. I do hope I can join you soon in heaven." "Heaven?" he said. "Who said anything about Heaven? I'm a bull in Montana." 41 Princess Pam Art Theatre 109 N. 5th COLUMBIA'S ONLY ART THEATRE GI 3-4464 "The year's funniest film!" - Life Magazine "Tides of Passion" April 1-7 "The Crucible" April 8-14 "Wife for a Night" Extra "Harlem Wednesday" April 15-21 Special . . . Student and faculty price 85c "A SALVO OF BELLYLAUGHS! THE WHOLE SCREEN EXPLODES!" - Newsweek JACQUES TATI'S "Mr. Hulot's Holiday" A G.B.D. International Films Release Begins March 25 A young fellow once took his dainty grandmother to see the road show tour of "Tobacco Road." After the first two acts, the little old lady was groping under her seat. "What's the matter, Grand- ma?" asked the boy. "Oh," she said, "I've lost my goddam purse." He: '"Are you afraid of the big bad wolf?" She: "No, why?" He: "That's funny; the other three pigs were." A kind-hearted gentleman saw a little boy trying to reach a doorbell. He rang the bell for him and then said, "What now, little man?" "Run like hell," said the little boy, "that's what I'm going to do." Dog n' Suds WHAT IS BROASTED CHICKEN? Our chicken is prepared in scientific new equipment called Broasters. The Broaster injects heat units instantaneously, sears the chicken, seals in all fla- vorful natural juices, and cooks through to the bone in six minutes. Broasted chicken is served to you golden brown, tender, and wonderfully palatable. It's the fastest-it's the finest! KBIA Dial 1580 on your radio MUSIC Top Tunes, Old Standards Memory tunes. Music as you like it. And on Sundays from 1:05 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. we present "Concert on the Air" with your favorite classical music. News - Local News, from the local news gathering facilities of The Columbia Missourian. Regional, State, National News, from the leased wires of United Press Interna- tional and the KBIA Newsroom. Service - Weather reports direct from the U.S. Weather Bureau here in Columbia. Temperatures, weather reports, time checks all day, every day. Swap shop; where you may advertise, what you want to sell or buy at no charge to you. Road conditions, storm warnings and many others. Uninterrupted classical MUSIC from 1:05 'til 3 on Sunday L & M Filters