Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 1959Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 195920081959/03image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195903Harlequin Vol 1 No. 1 March, 1959; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1959
All blank pages have been eliminated.
Volume 1 Number 1
cat on a hot tin
my theory-page 15
302 Read Hall
University of Missouri
"i say, none of you
are having illicit
sex relations, are
how to be a social
letters to the editors
life in johnston hall
Glen St. Pierre
by missouri wilensky
SETTING: A certain state uni-
versity in Columbia, Missouri
SCENE I: Dean Back Track's
office. The furnishings are se-
vere. On the wall are paintings
of plantation overseers. From
the ceiling hangs a sign saying,
"Spare the Rule and Spoil the
Slave." As the scene opens,
Dean Back Track cracks his
whip. Enter Slave Spy.
DEAN: Help me lug my rule
book over to the desk.
SS: Yes sir, Big Daddy Dean,
sir. Right away, sir. But Big
Daddy Dean, sir, wouldn't it be
easier to bring the desk to the
DEAN: Tradition says we lug
the rule book over to the desk.
SS: I bet you're going to add
some more rules to your book,
aren't you, Big Daddy Dean,
DEAN: Yes, I'm in the mood
SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir,
hadn't you better do something
about the column sitter? He's
been up there three weeks.
DEAN: Have the no spine
monsters attend to it. They're
holding a meeting tonight. That'll
keep 'em busy while I make
SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir,
they want you at their meeting
so they can talk to you about
abolishing negative hours.
DEAN: Well, stall 'em off.
SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir,
I'm running out of stall material.
DEAN: Any old stall will do
for them. Which reminds me, all
the off-campus rooming houses
have been approved by the Uni-
versity inspection committee. Go
write a note of congratulations
to the home owners. They've won
out over the no spine monsters
SS: Yes, sir, Big Daddy Dean,
sir. Right away, sir. (Prepares
to leave. Pauses. Tugs thought-
fully at his chain. Then, timidly:)
Big Daddy Dean, sir, how come
y'all call them monsters? They
seem pretty weak to me.
DEAN: Have you forgotten the
Big Raid? Scared the pants off
me. I'll never give 'em power
SS: But Big Daddy Dean, sir,
the raid took place when the vet-
erans flocked in. Times have
DEAN: Enough! Want to be
fired for subversive thoughts?
SS: No sir, Big Daddy Dean,
sir. I'm on your side, sir. Really
and truly, Big Daddy Dean, sir.
DEAN: Recite the pledge.
SS: (In a fervent monotone)
I pledge allegiance to the rule
That rules allegiance to the
That whips the slave who won't
the house that Jack built.
SCENE II: Meeting hall of the
Spineless Grovelment Associa-
tion, where ideas are lost and
committees founded. From the
ceiling hangs a neon sign, flash-
ing the Word for the Day. As
the scene opens, the no-spine
monsters are seated on a Merry-
Go-Round. Each one has a color
book, crayons, and a box of No
Doze. The meeting is called to
order and the Merry-Go-Round
(cont. on next page)
HEAD OF THE NO SPINE
MONSTERS: Turn to page 5 in
your color books. Tonight I have
a surprise for you. Big Daddy
Dean says we can use any colors
7348590: Why don't he let us
draw our own pictures? I'm
tired of filling in his lines. Big
Daddy Dean doesn't love us at
all. We're just a bunch of num-
bers to him.
HEAD: Now, 7348590, you
know that's not true. It says Big
Daddy Dean loves us in our SGA
Constitution, page 2,756, section
1,954, paragraph 872, line 461.
Now everyone start coloring be-
cause we've got a lot to do. We
have to form a committee to
choose a committee to get a lad-
der to take the column sitter
5734982: I'd like to make a mo-
tion to form a committee to
choose a committee to get a lad-
der to take the column sitter
HEAD: Second the motion?
3748658: No, second commit-
tee. I'd like to make a motion
to have a committee to evaluate
the committee to choose the com-
mittee to get a ladder to take
the column sitter down.
2394759: Wait a minute! Stop!
We're rushing into things. We'd
better have a committee to eval-
uate the committee to evaluate
the committee to choose the com-
mittee to . . .
SCENE III: (Two months have
gone by.) Dean Back Track is
beneath the column sitter.
DEAN: Come down from your
column, Kick. It's a negative
KICK: Don't "Kick" me. I'm
just a student number to you.
DEAN: I'll "Kick" you when-
ever I please.
KICK: Yah, you don't care
DEAN: What's your gripe,
KICK: Toss me a drink and
I'll tell you.
DEAN: (Throwing him a ther-
mos jug removed from a football
spectator.) You've got a real
liquor problem, haven't you, son?
KICK: Yes sir, I do. I won't
stop drinking till I hear that
click . that little click which
tells me you've locked up your
DEAN: If you come down, I'll
give you a Type I permit and a
KICK: Things, Big Daddy
Dean, things! I don't want things,
I want trust!
DEAN: You're fighting a hope-
less war. You haven't any sup-
KICK: SGA will help me. I
know they will. Hmmm, I won-
der where they are.
DEAN: Last I heard, they
were making a motion to form
a search party to find the com-
mittee to evaluate the commit-
tee to choose the committee to
get a ladder to take you down.
KICK: I guess you're right. I
haven't any support. I'm com-
ing down. It's no use. (Clutch-
ing the thermos jug, he jumps
to the ground. He bashes his
head against the jug and blood
comes pouring from the cut.)
DEAN: Too bad about your
cuts, son. I'll have to give you a
hi - ho
by barb french
My name's Queenie. And I'm
a pretty sharp chick. I dig all
this jazz and have pretty many
kicks, but most of the time I
hang around this beat up lousy
crumby castle writing poetry or
something. Anyway, it's exist-
Well I got up this morning and
put on my black stretch hose
and my black sack outfit and
my black lipstick and checked
myself with that loudmouth mir-
"Who the hell is the beatest
chick in these here lousy crumby
"You are, you slob."
I was satisfied. Old loudmouth
knows which side his glass is
waxed on. I'm not published in
"Badlands" for nothing.
I spent the day knocking out-
ODE TO A GARBAGE CAN
The time is double zero
I'm a cat on a cool tin roof
Ooozing through the tin
Waiting for reality
Reality is in between
The ticks of the clock
It needed something. I strained
it for awhile but felt like I was
hung up and I couldn't see it
anymore. Something was smoth-
ering my creativity. I checked
with the mirror.
"OK, let's hear it buster."
"Oh Queenie, I cannot tell a
lie. Snow What is more beat
than thou. She wears green mas-
I clobbered the square with
my pointed toe patent leather
pump. I'd heard the word on this
Snow What before. She shared a
pad in the woods with a bunch
of little creeps who worked in
the dirt all day digging holes
like some stupid slaves or some-
thing. I decided to check her. I
hopped the old broom, threw her
in high and slid out.
I landed in the weeds behind
the pad way on the other side
of the crumby woods. Cockle-
burrs stuck to my shaggy dress.
I crept behind the hut and gave
her the eyeball through the back
window. Snow What was sing-
ing the "Mistletoe Blues" while
she fixed her hair in a long arty
braid. I was sick.
She did wear green mascara
and red stretch hose and blue
eyeshadow and an orange two
piece sack dress with big yellow
buttons. She was a Beatnik's
Beatnik. I felt hung up. My skirt
was stuck on a bush.
Oh woe old beat up me. I
wasn't a Beatnik, I was a Nud-
nik. I felt like a little lost angel
of some kind all alone in this
crumby lousy too big world. I
would probably end up working
behind some crumby lousy
greaserack wrapping tamales or
something. I wanted to know
why. Just why man was this
happening to me. I couldn't see
why and then I knew that God
was really a tangerine after all.
I flew home.
Up in the attic was my old
Chem-Co outfit. I stayed up
stewing and brewing a batch of
stuff that would shaft old Snow
What clean out of it. It was a
lugubrious effort. I poured the
finished stuff in an Old Crow
bottle. Bats flew by.
The next afternoon I shipped
out in a blue sweater and a dark
brown skirt and bobby sox and
saddles and pink lipstick and
tripped gaily through the damn
dark woods with a copy of
"Leaves of Grass" and the bot-
tles of "Old Crow" I looked
I knocked the door. Snow
What opened and I made with
my bit about being new in the
woods and all and not knowing
anybody and feeling so left out
and alone. She suckered. Inside
I got her talking about the sto-
ries in Ladies' Home Journal and
individualism and existentialism
and communism and we kept
passing the bottle back and forth
and feeling it go in our mouths
and swallowing it. She got
plowed. And she started to re-
cite some of her poetry to the
background of a chippy bird
singing by the window.
"Blessed is the schizophrenic,
For he shall see God."
She flipped out cool like. This
cat slid into oblivion and now I
felt free again. I dragged her over
to the rack and heaved her in.
About this time I heard the roar
of a motor coming down the
road A flashy red MG with side
mirrors and foxtails and spoke-
type wheels and twin aerials
pulled up in front of the pad.
The cat ran out.
It was Prince. He was com-
municating with Snow What. His
band held over at the Blue Chute
where the coolest blues are
squeezed the hottest. I decided I
He came in. I looked at him
and he looked at me and we
looked at Snow What and Snow
What looked at her eyelids and
Leaning over, he tried to com-
municate with her. She was too
gone to dig him. He looked at
her green mascara and red
stretch hose and blue eyeshadow
and orange two piece sack dress
with big yellow buttons. He
looked at my pale blue sweater
and dark brown skirt and bobby
sox and saddles and pink lip-
stick. I looked at his white shirt
and khaki pants and brown bucks.
"GOT A MATCH?"
He gave me the glare and we
hopped out to the MG and flipped
in and the boy pulled out a bot-
tle of vino.
I pulled the cork and chugged
a shot and shoved it at Prince
but he gave me a no-type nod
and I shrugged him and put the
bottle back in the hold. The hell
He wasn't gunning too fast.
"Pedal faster man. Speed gives
me a charge. Go."
Prince looked forward. Ignor-
ing me. We wheeled up to the
Blue Chute and he got out and
went in and I sat there and pret-
ty soon I dug he wasn't going to
open the damn door for me so I
swung my legs over the side and
heaved the old torso out the top.
Down in the "Chute" Prince
was stirring his milk and Bosco.
He lived clean.
I ordered a Coke and Benny.
Poop the barkeep pushed a ben-
zedrine in cellophane at me and
I dropped it in the Coke and
watched it fizzle awhile. I lifted
the glass to Prince.
"La plume est sur la table."
I chugged it all.
"That's life-a fizzle."
I was being neato and he didn't
dig it and he just sipped his Bos-
co and the band was playing
"Mistletoe Blues"-Snow What's
song. Prince leaned way out.
I went with the Benny. It was
draggin' me and boppin' me and
I lit and began to glide.
Voom. Voom. Put . . put
put . . . put. Sheeee. Out.
I didn't get what was with
him, Plainly he was out of it.
Prince wasn't neat after all. He
was tidy. The drip liked me. Cra-
"Hey drip. Flip me easy but
you don't - I mean not - you
don't - in like or anything."
Oh Tangerine. I mean now
you've got to get some kicks and
stuff and communicate and all
but not for real. Ever.
Smeared. Not only was I a
Nudnik, I was square. I bugged
By time I got back to the hole
it was dark and I felt gone and
miserable and sick and human
and creep-type all in one. I
grabbed my copy of "Mysticism
Made Easy" and started absorb-
ing. It didn't work.
I went over to the mirror.
"Oh mirror give this kid a
break and give with a real gone
"Queenie, you goofed."
I thought. I dug. Well catch
it - old loudmouth wasn't so
dumb after all.
Been in the wrong rut. Out of
it. Hum de da de dum. Existing.
Off with the blue sweater and
dark brown skirt and bobby sox
and saddles and pink lipstick; on
with the black stretch hose and
black sack outfit and black lip-
stick. And a dash of green mas-
Where's the damn broom? And
away to a low blow at the Tangle
Room Hi ho, slobs. Hi ho.
AROUND THE CORNER FROM ANYWHERE
Lady: "I want to see some kid
gloves for my eight-year-old
Clerk: "Yes, madam. White
"Do you want to sell the
"Yep!" replied the farmer.
"Can he run?"
"Can he run! Look." Thereup-
on he slapped the horse's rump,
and off trotted the horse at full
speed, running just as prettily as
could be. Suddenly the horse ran
full speed into a tree.
"Is he blind?" asked the
startled would-be purchaser.
"Why, hell no," replied the
farmer, "he just' don't give a
A Smile is not all that it's Cracked up to be - By Matt Flynn
I like Ike
I had a theory. My theory was that man-
kind evolved from the butterfly. I had no proof,
but I clung to my theory and cherished it. It
was my own.
Then one day a great spiritual humility
came over me. I saw my selfishness, and sud-
denly I knew my duty to mankind. I had been
vain and possessive with my theory. I decided
I must tell the world. Here at last was my mis-
sion in life-to enlighten the masses.
And so, when the postman came, I told him
my theory. He smiled. Then he handed me a
stack of bills and left.
I went to my dentist. As I spat in the bowl,
I told him my theory.
"Of course," he said, "this conflicts with
Cornelius Agrippa, who was the first great phi-
losopher. Remember what Agrippa said: 'We
in time are in time and pro patria morum."' I
pondered this, but rejected it as obviously fal-
I walked down to the corner market, where
I told my theory to the butcher. He scoffed.
"Pah!" he said.
"Pah?" I asked.
"Yes, pah!" he replied. "You are unfamiliar
with embryology, comparative anatomy, anthro-
pology, and Army ROTC. Obviously the struc-
ture of the butterfly is of another form. Humans
cannot be descended from butterflies. I have an-
other theory. I maintain we evolved from the Pa-
We argued long into the evening, my theory
against his, but he refused to be enlightened. I
saw his bigotry as a barrier in the path of scien-
I saw my mother-in-law at her apartment.
She was such a sweet, old-fashioned person; I
felt sure she would listen, so I told her my the-
"But Stu!" she cried. (She calls me Stu,
which is short for Stuu.) "It says in Genesis that
God created man, not butterflies."
"But who then created butterflies?" I cried.
"Adam!" she said. "And Noah created polar
bears. We all know that from Sunday School."
I found this fantastic. She accused me of
heresy and threatened to burn me at the stake.
Searching scientists have always been hindered
by superstition and prejudice in their pursuit of
The world sneered, cruelly brushing me
aside, but I refused to surrender. I asked a pub-
lisher to publish my theory.
"Where are your facts?" he asked.
I remembered the words of another great
philosopher, Normen Vinsent Peel. "In hoc ipso
facto." I replied.
He charged me ten dollars for the interview
and burned my manuscript.
That night, I pondered at my bedside. Was
it worth continuing, this battle for the enlight-
enment of men's minds? If the world refused to
listen, must I still fight for my beliefs? Was it
really worth it? I struggled with my conscience
long into the night. I bit the enamel off my bed
post. Somehow I knew I must make mankind
The next day, my vigor renewed and my
outlook more optimistic, I felt certain the world
was ready to listen. I went to a professor at a
midwestern university. He sat at a small mid-
western desk in a small midwestern chair smok-
ing a small midwestern reefer.
"I have a theory." I told him. "I believe
mankind descended from the butterfly."
He shrugged. "So what?" he asked.
"So what?!" I cried. "Can't you see what it
could mean to have another of nature's mysteries
solved? Think of the scientific advancement,
man! I want to tell the world . . why won't you
"Because," he replied, "I am a college pro-
He stood up and walked briskly to his book-
shelf. He pointed to a label marked "Science."
"Oh, you young, foolhardy dreamer with stars
in your eyes!" he muttered, sadly shaking his
head. "Look at these books."
I was dumbfounded. There, before my un-
believing eyes, were such books as "The Butter-
fly and You," "Did Your Ancestors Hatch Out
of Cocoons?" "I was A Teen-age Butterfly" and
"You Entomologists May Be Mounting an An-
"You see," said the professor, "your theory
is far from original. The newest theory on evolu-
tion is that mankind evolved from the Patagoni-
an Chipmunk. Catch up with the times, boy! All
the learned philosophers and scholars are study-
ing this theory - 34,572 doctoral dissertations
have been written on it already. Patagonian
Chipmunks are all the rage. Your butterflies
I was crushed. I thanked him and left.
He was right; I didn't really have any proof.
As I flew home, I decided to give up the whole
an ode to ale
by Larry Postaer
Were I to have just one delight,
And put all else behind me
I'd choose a pitcher full of beer
And let its froth entwine me.
For be it winter, still man glows
As if the time were spring.
Yea, though I walk the deathly val',
With beer, I am the king.
Guzzlers, join my ferment prayer
Forget the girls around you.
Grab up my heady words of praise
Let alcohol surround you.
Take one last look at campus green,
Tip back the glass, pollute your spleen.
Here's your chance to put that overworked
cranium to task on some easy-to-write limericks
and a chance, too, to win cigarette money (L & M,
Chesterfield or Oasis of course.) Here are the
rules and the stakes:
Each month, the Harlequin will award $5
for the best limerick submitted with an empty
L & M pack. Another $5 will be given for the
best limerick submitted with an empty Chester-
field pack and a third $5 for the best limerick
submitted with an empty Oasis pack. Ten (10)
honorary mention winners each month will re-
ceive Happy Talk games, the new hilarious word
Write on any subject you want. (Make it
printable, though). Enter as often as you knock
off a pack of the above-mentioned cigarettes and
make sure you include that empty pack.
Contest is open to any Missouri, Stephens
or Christian College student or their faculty
Entries must be mailed or taken to the Har-
lequin office, 302 Read Hall, and the March con-
test deadline is April 2. Names of winners will
be published in April's Harlequin.
CONTEST IS JUDGED BY "YOUR
FRIENDS" - HARLEQUIN EDITORS! Here
are a couple of limericks; we know you can do
L & M
"I say name of you are having
by charles allen
A young instructor, it is said,
walked into the first class he
taught at Mizzou, introduced
himself, looked severely at each
student, paused significantly, and
said, "I say, none of you are hav-
ing illicit sex relations, are you?"
The instructor explained he
had been told to "watch out" for
this sort of thing. Whether or not
there is any truth in such a re-
port, it offers amusing possibili-
One can't help but wonder: Just
what in the hell is an instructor
supposed to see in a classroom?
True, college education is becom-
ing less formal daily, but after
all . . .
And, bureaucracies being what
they are, this sort of thing cer-
tainly wouldn't end in the class-
room. With a little effort, one
can picture the kind of situations
that might result . . .
The scene: Main Library, the
Stacks. Time: 5:30. Drs. Schlitz
and Magoo meet on the way out.
"Hello there, Magoo. Say, Ber-
trand Russell is speaking in Jes-
se this evening, you know. Are
"Oh, that's right. Damn. No,
I can't. I'd really like to and all
that, but. well, you see .
its this way. . I've got Hink
Patrol again tonight, and .
well . ."
"Oh, I see. Well, Magoo, it's
a shame. Seems like you've had
more than your regular rotation
"Yes, ever since I caught elev-
en of the rascals in one night.
Gave me a badge for that, you
know. Come to think of it, I
haven't seen your name on the
roster-how do you get out of
illicit sex relations, are you?"
"Well old boy, I'm no longer
on Hink. They gave me drive-in
"You sly old dog, you. At
least you don't get your feet
muddy, I'll bet."
"Well, that true. Then again,
it pays more than teaching, you
"Yes. Well. I must run."
"Well, goodby. And remember,
you're SAFE with Eveready.
Heh, heh, heh ."
And think of the additional
paperwork required. As it is now,
nearly all the administrative pa-
per consumed in the typical stu-
dent-instructor relationship is
used for grade reports. But with
the spy system in full force, the
semester's reports would look
more like this:
MONTHLY REPORT OF SUS-
PECTED SUBVERSIVE AC-
TIVITIES B Y INELIGIBLE
STUDENTS: October, 1958. Lo-
thario Rubirosa, Instructor.
My English class has been
meeting for a month now. There
is as yet no positive indication,
but I suspect that perhaps Mary
Louise Smith bears watching.
However, I have no concrete
proof. It's just that she sleeps
through every class. It's a 2:40
MONTHLY REPORT (etc.):
November, 1958. Lothario Rubi-
rosa, Instructor. I am becoming
a little more positive in my sus-
picions about Mary Louise
Smith. The other day in class
she said D. H. Lawrence is her
favorite writer. And this Alice
Mae Jones can probably stand
some checking, as well as Ro-
berta R. Reese. The other day in
the Union I noticed them reading
old copies of Showme.
MONTHLY REPORT (etc.):
December, 1958. Lothario Rubi-
rosa, Instructor. It is almost cer-
tain now. While my evidence is
inconclusive and not scientific,
my conviction grows each day
that Mary Louise Smith, Alice
Mae Jones and Roberta R. Reese
are definitely subversive. My fi-
nal conclusion will be stated in
next month's report.
MONTHLY REPORT (etc.):
January, 1959. I was all wrong.
None of these girls is guilty.
They are fine, wonderful people.
There were no subversive per-
sons in my English 40 class this
REPORT OF FINAL GRADES:
Fall, 1958. Lothario Rubirosa,
Mary Louise Smith - -- ----. A
Alice Mae Jones --------------- A
Roberta R. Reese -----------A-. A
John Peterson --------------. ----. B
George Harris -.------------. C
Bertha Fleegleham -------. D
Joseph Meyers .-------------. F
David Summers .-------.-. C
And Rubirosa, having diligent-
ly done his duty, prepares for
another semester. Now he has
new ideas. He's grown used to
the system; he likes it. But the
paperwork isn't completed yet-
he receives a letter from the
administration . . .
"Dear Mr. Rubirosa:
"It has come to our attention
in the semester report submitted
by Mary Louise Smith, chief stu-
dent counterspy . . . "
Military Ball Queen
Miss Ann Kueker of
Kappa Alpha Theta
Admires new spring
Gene Glenn Shoes
by matt flynn
Eliss resigns - - - (See Tribune)
Joe Schlunk wins
ROTC honor Medal
U. Phelta Thi
U. Phelta Thi is on pro again,
the Anteater learned yesterday.
Although the incident took place
two weeks ago, Anteater did not
learn of it immediately.
According to a usually reli-
able source, this is how it hap-
Nobody seems to know the
full story, as Rick Short, inves-
tigator, has been quite secretive
about the whole thing. However,
it is known that the house rec-
ords showed a total of $2,749.51
expended for liquor in Febru-
ary. The total bill for food and
drink was $2,750.00.
The trouble seems to lie in
the amount spent. The records
clearly indicate, one official said,
that two Shackburgers were
bought during the month. "What
we want to know is this-how
did they get two Shackburgers
for 49 cents? There is something
subversive about the whole
It is seldom the Anteater's
routine sources sunnlv son-do
Jim Moxley, noted campus wheel, takes money from an un-
identified person at the Student Union. Moxley, who used to be
quite active at Mizzou, has been operating furtively lately and has
dropped into relative obscurity. He was shocked and embarrassed
when ace Anteater photographer Pete Peterson caught him unaware
and took this picture. He jumped when the flash went off, turned
by Alva Norse
Joe Schlunk, sophomore in
(cont. on page 9)
for 33rd year
Petitioning will begin tomor-
row at 8 a.m. in Room 343 of
the Student Union, according to
Nanci Hoffman, chairman.
Miss Hoffman said this is the
33rd year petitioning has been
open, and that a greater re-
sponse is expected than last year,
when nobody showed up.
Petitions may be picked up
at the student union information
desk, in room 512 of Jesse Hall,
or in the Anteater office, where
200 were sent by mistake.
Miss Hoffman emphasized the
importance of this continuing
and said it is urgent
tailed an account of a story. We
would like, therefore, to express
our heartfelt appreciation to the
toward Peterson and our reporter, and said emphatically, "oh, you
would!" He takes money regularly in his job as a cashier in the
fountain shop, and says he enjoys the work.
(Photo by Pete Peterson, Anteater)
that all students be thoroughly
familiar with it.
"the paper that creeps.
Price 10c too much
C.C. of .763 with events
Experts disagree on cause
of 'important' phenomenon
Until late last week, a beard-
growing craze was running ram-
pant on campus. Then, sudden-
ly and without warning, stu-
dents began shaving, and now
many of them are bare-faced
When asked for his opinion
on this phenomenon, a noted M.
U. psychologist stated:
"This is quite an interesting
psychological phenomenon, I
think. That is, assuming of
course, that our data is correct,
and that other variables had no
influence, we probably have es-
tablished definitely that there is
some sort of interconnection-
interrelationship-here with re-
cent international events. We
derived a correlation coefficient
of .763, you know."
A University sociologist said,
"This is not a psychological phe-
nomenon; it is plainly sociologi-
The School of Journalism is-
sued what is believed to be the
first statement on the matter:
"This is obviously a malicious
program instigated by jealous,
misanthropic individuals bent on
distracting attention from the
beneficial effects of the 50th An-
niversary publicity campaign."
Well, of course we'll never
know just why it happened, but
it certainly was interesting
while it lasted.
(See editorial, "Beard Craze
Indicates Support for Castro")
The Mo-Maids will practice to-
morrow night from 7:30 to 9:30
"Mo-Maid" is a pun on the
word "mermaid," meaning "Mis-
souri mermaid," sort of.
The evening's activities will
include considerable swimming
in the water, swimming for
which the girls have practiced
One of Anteater's top staff
members watched the practice,
and says the show promises to
be an excellent one. "They sure
swim good," he said.
49 years old!
(see page 24)
"Bust to Bust"
a powerful movie
By Dud Doorknob
"Bust to Bust," the new Itali-
an movie, opened the other night
at the Prince's Pan. I've seen a
lot of big ones this year, but
nothing like this.
Gena Lolobridge was fabu-
lous as Gina, street-strumpet
driven to the depths by a brutal
father who beat her when she
drowned her little brother. So-
fia Lorinse was wonderful as the
social worker who tried to re-
The picture was powerful.
Every power-packed scene was
full of power, creating a power-
The greatest thing about this
great movie was the great story
It captured perfectly the mood
the very essence of Italy and the
Italian people. Much credit must
be given to Pady Cheyefsky
who wrote it.
The photography was wonder-
ful. Rarely have I seen color
used with such wonderful ef-
fects. It was handled superbly
and deserves an Oscar nomina-
tion, particularly when you con-
sider the movie was shot in
black and white.
The locale of the story is
Rome, although quite a bit of it
takes place in Milan. And some
time is spent in Turin, Genoa,
Naples, Venice and San Francis-
co. But that's not important.
What is important is the sen-
sitive, deft manner in which the
story is handled. Gina is consid-
ered by all her friends an in-
corrigible. Ninochka, the Italian
social worker, cannot believe
this to be true of anybody, and
sets about to prove that Gina
is basically the "right kind" of
person, but just hasn't been giv-
en a chance. This is the basic
conflict of the story.
After an hour and a half of
powerful cinema, the conflict is
resolved. Gina and Ninochka
each put up half the money and
go into partnership in a bordel-
lo in Palermo.
Its candor and stark realism
make "Bust to Bust" a must.
Students are still buzzing
about Harden Crag's lecture
Wednesday. He was discussing
"Hamlet," when suddenly he
stopped in the middle of a sen-
tence, gazed intently around the
room, extended both arms to-
ward the students, and, with ev-
erybody waiting in eager antici-
pation for the great, profound
proclamation they knew was
coming, exclaimed" Shakespe
the beet generation
happy heathen hermit
Hermit life is happy-
Strange but very true.
Togetherness is sticky . . .
Like a glob of glue.
Write my own term papers,
Find it's worth the strain.
Guess I'm rather funny . . .
Like to use my brain.
Never in the Union,
With the tittering crowd.
Rather go to concerts . . .
Music's not so loud.
Eat my dinner quietly,
Table talk's a bore.
Only words I utter-
'Yummy! Give me more!"
Serve on no committees,
Won't reach Who's Who fame.
What the hell's the difference-
Phone book has my name.
students who drink red wine in bars
and keep bleu cheese in little jars
and quote freud at every blast
where everyone gets nicely gassed
who wear goatees and sneer at others
jocks and greeks and christian brothers
and quote james joyce and use loud curses
talk of death and shrouds and hearses
lay on grimy floors dead soused
to a hi-fi's thundering faust
and never wash their salad bowls
or shoes or socks whose heels have holes
and talk of sex at abstract heights
or passionate grips by candle lights
and when in class are never shaved
and never have a nickle saved
and chain smoke with a nervous tic
and look like death but never sick
and crash your parties mooch your booze
blast out with avant garde views
insult your friends and steal your date
with an off-hand spiel on fate
a strange oppression
is the new obsession
how to be a social success
by cliff gordan
There are four important rules
involved in becoming a social suc-
cess, and one is probably impor-
tant as another. However, if I
were to make a choice, I would
be forced to place this require-
ment above all others:
LIE. There are various forms
of lying which are helpful, but
only two subjects may be lied
about acceptably. These are: 1)
Yourself; and 2) other people.
Both have their place. When ly-
ing about yourself, you may lie
about your job or your back-
ground (I have been unable to
indulge in this form of lying, com-
ing, as I do, from a long line of
Virginia Colonels, war heroes
and Presidents), or tell the beau-
tiful girls of your acquaintance
that you are unmarried and have
Lying about other people is so-
cially advantageous, and there is
a certain pleasure to be had when
the person being lied about is a
personal enemy. When lying
about other people, however, one
must always remember to avoid
disputable facts, and to speak in
vague generalities, or make the
lie so black that no one would
confront the perpetrator with it.
Lying about other people is
practical indeed. For instance, it
can readily dispose of the indi-
vidual who might step into the
vacant vice-presidency ahead of
you, or that unspeakable clod
who keeps blackballing you out
of the Club every year. It is
Photo by pete peterson 25
No intelligent student needs
an encyclopedia to recognize
the following groups as lead-
ers in their fields:
Not all M.U. students eat at
the BENGAL . . only those
Enjoy the thrill of eating in
an atmosphere of real danger.
Run down and join the mob at
the BENGAL, but hurry . . .
there's no telling when Lew
will lose his license, and you
may be too late.
however, best suited in the case
Nothing will anger a sweet,
unspoiled young girl and make
her fall into your arms as quickly,
as learning from a trusted source
(you, or her best friend, who
may be bought) that her other
suitor is being unfaithful to her
with several girls whose reputa-
tions are somewhat shady.
The second rule for social suc-
cess is closely allied to the first:
First, cheat in social games of
all sorts. Cheat to win or cheat
to lose, depending on the sports-
manship of your group and
whether they most admire a good
winner or a good loser.
Secondly, cheat in love affairs.
Have at least three young ladies
with whom you have mutual
vows to love forever. Here, great
discretion must be exercised, and
the use of one or more aliases will
often prove most convenient. In
such a case, should one of your
sweet young things forsake you,
even if she is your favorite, your
reserves will prove ample com-
Thirdly, cheat in business.
Here, I have found embezzlement
to be the most profitable.
The several ill chosen words
spoken by the gendarmerie con-
cerning the morality of this par-
ticular type of cheating should
not deter you from your goal of
Embezzling not only establishes
you as a terribly clever fellow,
but gives you that self-control
which comes with affluence, that
devil-may-care continental atti-
tude which results from giving
a friend a light with a fifty-dol-
lar bill in the center of the room
at a large cocktail party, and
that Richard Cory feeling deep
down inside, when people turn
and look as you slimly and im-
perially stroll down the street.
The third rule is: DRINK. Ev-
erybody loves a drunken man.
They laugh and joke with him;
they listen sympathetically to his
views on any subject; and they
take him home and put him to
bed at night. In short, everyone
is his friend.
Not to drink, on the other
hand, is society's cardinal sin.
In my younger days, waiters
snickered behind their hands
when I ordered ginger ale; friends
snickered openly when I pro-
posed toasts with my bottle of
pop; and people pointed me out
to their friends as "the one I was
telling you about." Happily, those
tortured days are past. I now can
drink heartily throughout the
day and as long as I am on my
feet after dinner; I am the most
popular person in my group of
socially successful friends; I can
look waiters straight in the eye;
I am loudly cheered when I pro-
pose a toast; and I am introduced
as "the only honest-to-God alco-
holic I know." This same success
may be yours, gentle reader, if
you will follow my well-consid-
The final rule to consider is:
TELL DIRTY STORIES. It has
been my experience that next to
a drunken man, people love a
man who knows, and tells, an
abundance of dirty stories and
who can roll obscene limericks off
his tongue at the drop of a beer
glass. The telling of dirty stories
is an art which is acquired only
through practice, combined with
a certain inherent linguistic tal-
First of all, the time and place
for telling dirty stories must be
selected carefully. Clergymen,
butlers, and grandmothers must
never be told dirty stories, un-
less of course, they tell one first.
In such a case, it is permissible
to tell some slightly off-color
jokes or mildly bawdy anecdotes.
Naturally, there will be occasions
when you should refrain entirely
from ribaldry, such as grace be-
fore meat, family prayers, and
times of dangerous sickness or
death in the family.
The delivery of the dirty story
must be polished and well re-
hearsed. The sly look here, the
well timed leer there, are equal-
ly important with the proper use
of Irish brogue, Texas drawl, or
whatever the particular story
The importance of this phase
of social success may be illus-
trated by the sad and tragic os-
tracization of Pendleton A. Full-
fedder. Pendleton lied and
cheated beautifully, and was a
confirmed alcoholic. Noting these
fine qualities, people of the right
sort began to make friends with
him, and soon Pendleton A. Full-
fedder was on his way to social
However, one black day, as
Pendleton's new-found friends sat
drinking pernod, telling lies, and
cheating one another at gin rum-
my, Jerome P. Snively III, a so-
cial success, said, "Say, has any-
body ever heard Pendleton A.
Fullfedder (as they affectionate-
ly called him) tell a good dirty
story?" No one had.
For the next two weeks, Pen-
dleton was watched closely in
all his social actions. It was soon
discovered that he could neither
tell a dirty story well nor carry
the tune to "The Lady In Red."
Jerome P. Snively III and all his
socially successful friends im-
mediately deserted poor Pendle-
ton, who is now a social outcast
and sits around telling funny
stories to his friends at Alcoholics
However, you need not fail so
miserably in your quest for so-
cial success as did Pendleton A.
Fullfedder. For here within your
grasp is the very key to that
hallowed goal. Work diligently,
for nothing worthy comes easily;
practice lying and drinking long
hours; deevlop your own inimit-
able style of telling dirty stories;
and become proficient to the
point of undetectable perfection
in your cheating. It is thus, and
only thus, that social successes
A swarm of bees was flying
over the desert when the queen
bee found that she was almost
out of gas. Gathering her clan,
she led them all down to a Gulf
station to gas up. They all fol-
lowed her except one, who re-
fused to go. It seems he was an
photos by art terry
Kay Foreman is-rather appropri-
ately, we think-a physical educa-
tion major. She's an ADPi, was run-
nerup in the recent National Miss
Press Photographer contest in St.
Louis before entering Engine Queen
competition, works her way
through school by modeling on
weekends. A junior now, she hopes
to get her Masters and teach mod-
ern dance at the college level, pos-
sibly at the University of Arizona,
where she's been offered a chance
to teach part-time while doing grad-
"Mozart, Shmozart! - will it Sell?"
by iohn vickerman
Here we are, cats. This month
we're going to cover five or six
of the new LP's. We'll do more
or less the same each month, con-
centrating on jazz and pops. The
classical will be left for Maneater
Here's one for you T.V. detec-
tive buffs. Shelly Manne and his
men play Peter Gunn, swinging
far and high on the themes by
Reminiscent of "The Man With
the Golden Arm," the album
shows Manne at his wild-eyed
best, as well as providing some
soft sounds with vibes to the
front. Some of the best from
both categories: "Sorta Blue,"
"Fallout," and a little work titled
"The Brothers Go To Mother's".
The jacket features a picture of
Peter, complete with Gunn.
Manne gets in his licks on an-
other law-and-order thing, the
sound-track from "I Want to
Live." Written by Johnny Man-
del, the track has some weird in-
strumentation, with everything
from a harp to a contrabass clari-
Much of the album is morbid,
with almost all of side two des-
criptive of what's going on be-
hind the green door. Sample ti-
tles: "Nightmare," "Preparation
for Execution," "The Last Mile,"
"Unveiling of the Gas Chamber."
You get the idea.
But there are some drivey,
raucous sets too, and the thing's
worth a listen, if you dig the
And as the sun slowly sinks
behind picturesque old San
Quentin, we wend our way home-
ward to the strains of "Halls of
Ivy," sung by the Gene Lowell
This 12-man group sings some
old favorites calculated to bring
a tear to the eye of any drunken
old grad. From top tenor to basso
profundo, they sing extremely
well, and the selections are col-
legiate - collegiate all the way.
The even do "Old Missouri,"
with cleaned-up lyrics. The
phrase "Cayuga's Waters" is sub-
stituted for the more prosaic
Romping, stomping, low-down
gut-bucket jazz is the staple com-
modity of Donna Hightower on
"Take One," and it comes over
loud and clear. Miss Hightower
has a lot in common with Dakota
Staton, but she has more voice,
And she can wail the blues as
well as growl and stomp; "Baby,
Get Lost" on side one is a good
example. A piano and what
amounts to a four-man rhythm
section provide the accompani-
Flute, bass flute, recorder,
cello, harpsichord, concert guitar,
and lute. No, they're not playing
the Goldberg Variations. It's
"18th Century Jazz," by the Jack
The group uses some elderly
instrumentation for some 20th-
Century numbers, and the effect,
while wacky, is generally pleas-
ing. Marshall starts by noodling
a little on the guitar, and the
crew picks it up and goes to
Worth hearing: "Isn't It Ro-
mantic," "Jeepers Creepers," and
"Sweet Georgia Brown". Verily
In closing, we thank the Hi-Fi
House, without whose coopera-
tion this venture could be damned
this month's BALFOUR BEAUTY
Miss Barbara Kay
to Glen St. Pierre,
Phi Delta Theta,
Her pin by Balfour
Troy C. Newman, Agent
Official Fraternity and Sorority Pins
Crested and engraved gifts
L. G. BALFOUR
Missouri Theater Building
New game on campus: Button,
button, here comes the house-
"The inner restraint," said the
psychology professor, "may be
applied as well to our everyday
lives. Observe, for example, the
fly which has just lit upon the
end of my nose. I do not get ex-
cited, I do not raise my voice, I
do not swear, I do not blaspheme
-I merely say: go away, fly-
GODDAM, IT'S A BEE!"
Anyone can play bridge, but
it takes a cannibal to throw up
Looking up, naive surprise
Showing in blue, startled eyes
As the prof, with proper care,
Lays the facts of life quite bare.
You will pardon me if I
Smile at you, so sweet and shy;
You can fool the rest, no doubt
But my roommate took you
UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE
Student Union Building
Large parking area
Featuring Burgers & Shakes
From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest:
R. Pippenger killed a beaver on Muuddy Creek, with his gun,
that weighed 60 pounds.
Heaviest gun in the West.
From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest:
Stacy Phillips after wintering in Oklahoma, is back in the home
town and has taken an apartment. He is looking better than for
some time and his wit remains keen. He commented, "I didn't
come back to see my fiends. I came back to let them see me."
Everyone should have a pet.
In "Reflections on the Wildcat Strikes," a reading in Collective
Behavior, by Turner and Killian, authors Jerome F. Scott and George
C. Homans had this to say:
Of one thing we felt sure: that some of the facile explanations
of the wildcat strikes were almost obviously inadequate by
themselves. . . In the long run, a number of the strikes seemed
to stem from faculty communication .
Well now, no wonder they struck!
"I'd like to exchange this coat-
the sleeve fell off."
Letter to the
Dear Mr. Editor,
I want to give you some of my
views on the American Congress
of University Residence Halls
meeting that is going to be held
here at old Mizzou next month.
I have heard that you want to
publish what the students are
thinking in your magazine, and
I hope you will print my letter,
because this meeting is very im-
portant and it can do a lot of
good. I have been wanting to
spread the word ever since Mr.
Clingan told us about it at a
Board of MRHA Governors meet-
ing early this month, and though
I have been talking it up to the
guys over in the dorm, I think
it should have a wider audience.
Mr. Clingan handed us copies
of the proposed program for the
meeting. The title of the program
was "ACTION, COOPERATION,
UNITY, RESPONSIBILITY, and
HAPPINESS." I think that was
very clever, the way they used
the initials of the organization,
and it really hits the nail on the
head, because that is the goal
that dorm life can give you.
I have my copy of the program
before me as I write. The theme
of the conference is "Participa-
tion." I don't think that they
could have chosen a better theme.
We all need to participate more.
It is fitting, I think, to touch on
one of the principles that has
made our country great, one of
the guiding lights that our fore-
fathers set before us when they
were planning the great Ameri-
can Way of Life for us.
Friday, April 17, there are
group discussions after the first
general session. The topics of
these discussions are Participat-
ing in Improvement of House
Government, Participating in
Stimulating Spirit, Participating
in Raising Scholarship, Partici-
pating in Effective Communica-
tions, Participating in the Intra-
mural Program, Participating in
House Discipline, Participating
in Eliminating Cafeteria Prob-
lems, Participating in Stimulat-
ing Extra-Curricular Activities,
Participating in Social Activities.
I think it was very wise of
whoever wrote the program to
put in the paragraph about how
the students who attend the meet-
ing should help their friends to
participate in all these things,
because what are friends for,
The next day there is another
especially important session, a
panel discussion about living to-
gether in groups. The topics cov-
ered are "What is Adjustment?",
"Personal Adjustment", "Social
Adjustment", and "The Rewards
If there is one thing in the
world that is important, it is ad-
justment. Men have to live to-
gether, and they ought to be ad-
justed, because it is so much
simpler that way, and you don't
get all these people who are hos-
tile and who have all these radi-
cal ideas that are corrupting
some of the youth of our Nation.
If everyone was adjusted, then
fine people like the late Joe Mc-
Carthy wouldn't have to waste
their valuable time finding out
who all the radicals were, and
we wouldn't have all these atom-
ic scientists chickening out and
starting dangerous petitions.
There is no two ways about it.
You have to be all for the group,
or you will cause trouble. More
On the Strollway
The STEIN CLUB
of us need to be all for the group.
Live by the group and for the
group, every moment of every
day, in every way.
Some of my radical friends
have asked me about why I be-
lieve this, and I try to tell them
how comforting it is to know that
you're among guys who accept
you, who do the things you do,
who believe the same things you
do, who dress like you, and who
talk about the same things you
do. It gives you a warm feeling
One guy I know who used to
live in the dorms until he got
mad and said he couldn't stand
the conformity and moved to a
fraternity where he said they
would let him be an oddball if
he would raise the fraternity's
grade point average, well, this
guy is pretty maladjusted, but I
see him every once in a while
anyway just to remind myself
of how well off I am. To get on
with it, this guy asks me ques-
tions like what would have hap-
pened if Van Gogh had been ad-
justed and what if Einstein was
to live in a dorm or a frat. Van
Gogh was that painter, you know,
the one that cut off his ear, which
was a damned maladjusted thing
to do, if you ask me. They say
he used to like to be alone a lot
and would get mad at people for
disturbing him, but I ask you,
so what? So the guy painted a
bunch of crummy pictures of
wheat fields and peasants. Was
he successful? Did he make a de-
cent living, or even own a car?
Did he have a wife and kids and
do something useful for society?
And if Einstein was to come
and live in a dorm or a frat, I
don't see my friend's argument
there. He'd have to be about 60
years younger (and alive, too-
my friend didn't think of that),
but I bet if he came to live with
the guys in our house, he'd have
a swell time. I bet he'd get a
Princeton haircut right off and
ditch that beat-up sweater for a
new crew-neck. I admire Ein-
stein a lot from what I've read
of him. He was a fine man, and
he certainly would have seen the
advantages of adjusting and par-
ticipating in group actiivties.
Someone that intelligent would
just about have to see it.
I am rambling on. But I do
want to stress the importance
and significance of this meeting
and the theme of it, because there
is no more important subject in
today's world and for the future
of us all than Adjustment and
She: "I'm so discouraged. Ev-
erything I do seems to be wrong."
He: "What are you doing to-
Moon Valley Villa
Breathes there a man with soul
Who never to himself has said,
"To hell with school, I'll stay
The novus shop
The teacher was explaining to
the grammar school students the
merits of owning a yearbook and
having one's picture in it.
"Just think," she said. "Thirty
years from now you can look in
this annual and say, 'There's
Willie Jones; he's a judge now.
And there's Sally White; she's a
nurse. And there's . . "
"And there's teacher," came a
voice from the back of the room.
"May I have another cookie?"
"Another cookie what?"
"Another cookie, please.'
"Please, mother what?"
"Please, mother dear."
"Hell no, you've had six al-
They still talk about the day we met
Downstairs in Jesse Hall:
"Class reunion, '48-
"They really had a ball!"
Almost all the gang was there
To laugh and reminisce,
To talk about the times we'd had,
The ones we'd always miss.
Things seemed the same as they were "then,"
The same old happy gang;
We talked and laughed into the night,
And later on we sang.
We sang the songs that thrilled us when
We all were students here;
Sang and laughed, then sang some more
And yelled, "Bring on the beer!"
Then I went home and barfed.
It was the most nauseating experience I've
From the Golden City (Mo.) Digest:
It has been brought to the attention of the City that two, maybe
more, residences who are connected to the sewer system, are con-
tinuing to use their outdoor toilets. The ordinances prohibit the
use of outdoor toilets and this practice must stop. Use your stools!
It is the duty of the press to flush out wrongdoing.
Also from the Golden City Digest:
Someone asked Tuesday morning what the corn sheller was do-
ing in front of the postoffice. That happens to be a mailbox.
Another new-fangled invention they're not used to.
TIGER LAUNDRY & DRY CLEANING CO.
There once was a sculptor
Whose statues were perfectly
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie,
Which vexed the ultra-fastidi-
The old man believed in rein-
carnation, but just before he
died, his wife made him promise
to try to communicate with her
from the spirit world. Twelve
months after his death, she ac-
tually made contact with him.
"Are you happy there?" she
"Happier than I can possibly
describe," he answered. "The pas-
tures here are greener, and the
skies bluer. It's a beautiful world,
and the weaker sex are the love-
liest imaginable. And their deep
wistful eyes speak constantly of
Several NROTC cadets were
on a training cruise and none of
them was responding particularly
well to the rolling and tossing
of the ship. An old salt ap-
proached the first of several boys
lining the rail.
"Got a weak stomach, eh?" he
said with a smile.
"Hell no," replied the cadet,
"I'm tossing it just as far as any
"Mommy, Mommy," bawled the
little girl, "Daddy just killed my
"Don't cry, dear, maybe he had
to," the mother replied sympa-
"No he didn't," screamed the
heartbroken child, "he promised
me I could do it!"
A certain radio announcer had
charge of a Man-in-the-Street
program, his duties being to chat
with people on the streets of the
town in which he was employed.
One day a drunk staggered up
to his microphone and said, "I
wanna play 'Knock knock.""
Seeing no harm in this, the an-
nouncer said that it would be
"Okay," said the drunk, "knock
"Who's there?" asked the an-
"Argo," said the drunk.
"Argo who?" said the announc-
"Argo to hell," said the drunk,
Immediately the local gen-
darmes collected and carted the
ill-fated announcer away to jail.
He was sentenced to five years
for permitting profanity to be
broadcast over his program. Dur-
ing his five years in jail, how-
ever, he made it his business to
learn every "Knock knock" joke
in existence, so that such a thing
could never be pulled on him
again. When finally released, he
returned to his old job on the
On the first day of his resump-
tion of duties, a sober, staid busi-
nessman stepped up to the mi-
crophone and announced that he
wanted to play "Knock knock."
Sure of his ground, our protag-
onist said it would be all right.
"Knock knock," said the man.
"Who's there?" asked the an-
"Peggy," said the man.
The announcer thought over
every single "Peggy" gag that
existed, and finally decided that
they were all presentable.
"Peggy who?" he asked.
"Argo to hell," said the man.
life in johnston hall
by charlie greaves
To ridicule the ridiculous often
is only ridiculous in turn. There-
fore, in presenting excerpts from
the booklet, "Life in Johnston
Hall," only a few footnote com-
ments and a brief summation of
meaning and significance will be
One thing should be clarified
beyond doubt: This booklet ac-
tually exists. It is given to the
new girls in Johnston Hall
it is their Code.
So now, as we stand together
on the threshold of nausea.
* * * *
"Welcome to your college
home, Johnston Hall. This year
promises to be a wonderful year
for you as well as for those of
us who work with you here. I
hope it will hold all you have
dreamed your first year at 'Miz-
zou' would hold for you; both in-
tellectual and spiritual growth,
and social adjustment.
1. This shows a keen insight
into the dreams of 17- and 18-
"Let's start the day right -
with a smile and a 'Good Morn-
ing.' Let's walk with a light step,
not a heavy tread. Let's bang
no doors and let us speak no
louder than necessary.
"Now we are off to a good
"Now, I am going to say very
little about how to make intro-
ductions . I have a number of
books in the office with entire
chapters on the subject of intro-
"I would like to suggest those
whom you should make a point
to introduce to your housemoth-
ers: 1. Your parents. 2. Your
overnight guests. 3. Your fre-
quent men callers. We want to
know these college men, who
come often, in order to make
them feel welcome . .
"Perhaps you might say some-
thing like this: 'Good evening,
Mrs. Burrus, I am Mary Smith
2. There's something wrong
with the sentence somewhere.
and this is Bob Jones. I am so
glad you could come to our dance.'
Or: 'Good afternoon, Mi ss
Koepke, I'm Mary Smith. It is so
nice to see you here. Could I
bring you a glass of punch?"3
"Just try to remember that
your housemother and the chap-
erones are all actually human
beings4 . . . You know you may
be a housemother yourself some-
day . . .
"Men should stand for you
just as you stand for older wom-
en. They should hold doors for
you and let you precede them. I
hope you girls will see that they
do this . . .
"I also suggest that if you
have an engagement, that you
do not keep your young man
waiting for you. If you do, he
3. These people won't be at all
suspicious when everybody says
the same thing. However, they
may wonder where all the Mary
Smiths came from.
4. Easily missed facts should
be clearly pointed out.
may keep you waiting 'at the
church' . .
"Now - a word about 'thank
you' notes . . . Write these notes
on good stationery and make
them warm, informal, and above
all sincere . . .
"Table manners is a topic to
which a whole book could be
devoted . . .The array of silver-
ware is very seldom so large as
to be confusing. However, the
general rule is to begin at the
outside and work in. And it is
important to be well groomed
at the table and to remember
that meals are meant for pleas-
"You all know the fundamen-
tal rules of good table manners
. . . I believe if you would dis-
cuss this subject in your separate
corridor meetings and perhaps
have some fun illustrating or cari-
5. Yes, be sincere; that's an
6. Not for eating or for nourish-
caturing the common mistakes
that are made, it would help a
great deal . . .
"Good grooming is another
requisite of a charming woman.
This calls for: 1. Exquisite clean-
liness - and make sure that this
includes your hair. 2. Neatness.
3. Attention to many details such
as shoes polished and nails in
good condition. Good posture is
also an important part of your
appearance. Practice sitting
gracefully, standing straight and
tall, and walking like a queen.
The results will be wonderful!7
"Now a word or two about
love-making. They tell me that
it is here to stay - but please,
refrain from showing any great
affection in public It causes em-
barrassment to others and gentle
people avoid this. You under-
stand that I am not referring to
a goodnight kiss or two or three.
But I trust that all of you will
7. Look what it did for Eliza-
always keep your moral stand-
ards high and then you'll never
need to feel ashamed.8
"Now that that subject is dis-
posed of the day must be nearly
over.9 Can you count how many
times you have said, 'Please' and
'Thank you'? Let us see if we
can say these words just twice
as often tomorrow - whenever
anyone performs a service for
you, however small.10
"These are magic words, girls,
and there is another potent trans-
former that I would suggest to
you - and that is praise. Never
withhold it - simply pour it out
on others - and you will reap a
"In fact if you will observe
all the courtesies that I have
mentioned and make frequent
use of the magic words and smile
with it all, you won't need to
attend a charm school because
you'll have the traits that the
word implies and you will all
become more lovely and gracious
and attractive than you now are.
"And that is what I want for
Some might argue that the
reason for this booklet's exist-
ence is its puerility. Others, look-
ing deeper and more analytically,
might say the banality is more
important. Still others would
probably contend that there is
However, the significant thing
about it is that it shows that
somebody cares. It tells us what
to do to get along in college, how
to throw off the debasing shell
of individuality and enjoy the
Warm Womb of Togetherness,
how to live every moment of our
It's so wonderful . . why, it's
almost as if we were children
8. One person's shame may be
another's social adjustment.
9. Not necessarily, but anything
further would be anticlimactic.
10. If you said them once on
the first day of the month and
carried through this "twice as
often tomorrow," on the last day
you would have to say them
11. Say something like, "I real-
ly had to admire the way you
took Harry away from me at the
dance Saturday night, Mary."
Little Boy: "Mom, I was in a
Mother: "W ha t happened,
Little Boy: "Some boy called
me a sissy."
Mother: "What did you do?"
Little Boy: "I hit him with my
Mother: "What's that you're
Little Boy: "God's Little
Mother: "Oh, all right, dear. I
was afraid you'd gotten hold of
"Mother, I'm going to the mo-
"All right, dear, but don't strain
The Kingston Trio
The Record Shop
dean's Town & Country
"One of America's Outstanding College Shops."
A baby stork was perturbed
because his mother was gone all
night and he asked his father
about it. "Why, your mother has
been making people very happy,"
the father stork replied. The next
night the father stork was gone
and the baby stork asked his mo-
ther where he was. "Your fa-
ther is out making people very
happy," the mother stork replied.
The next night the baby stork
was gone till the wee hours.
When he came in the mother
stork and father stork asked
where he had been. "Oh, out
scaring hell out of college kids,"
Teacher (warning her students
against catching cold): "I had a
little brother who was seven
years old. He took his sled out
into the cold one day, caught
pneumonia, and died."
Voice from the rear: "Where's
An Econ professor distributed
copies of the examination to his
class. One student read it and
"Sir, this is exactly the same
exam you gave last semester."
"That's all right," said the pro-
fessor. "I've changed the an-
"Do you enjoy Browning?"
"No, but sometimes I have to
resort to it around exams."
"Oh dear," she said, "with so
much temptation about you, I'm
afraid you'll do something you'll
be ashamed of. I do hope I can
join you soon in heaven."
"Heaven?" he said. "Who said
anything about Heaven? I'm a
bull in Montana."
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A young fellow once took his
dainty grandmother to see the
road show tour of "Tobacco
Road." After the first two acts,
the little old lady was groping
under her seat.
"What's the matter, Grand-
ma?" asked the boy.
"Oh," she said, "I've lost my
He: '"Are you afraid of the
big bad wolf?"
She: "No, why?"
He: "That's funny; the other
three pigs were."
A kind-hearted gentleman saw
a little boy trying to reach a
doorbell. He rang the bell for
him and then said, "What now,
"Run like hell," said the little
boy, "that's what I'm going to
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on your radio
MUSIC Top Tunes, Old Standards
Memory tunes. Music as you
like it. And on Sundays from 1:05 p.m. to 3:00
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