Harlequin Vol 1 No. 2 April, 1959 Harlequin Vol 1 No. 2 April, 1959 2008 1959/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195904

Harlequin Vol 1 No. 2 April, 1959; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1959

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APRIL, 1959 Flow gently, sweet Hinkson, Through springtime's soft din; Flow gently, sweet Hinkson: My girl just fell in. HARLEQUIN VOLUME 1 NUMBER 2 Pla-Boy DRIVE-IN delicious double deck STEAKBURGER editorial - page 4 essays can be fun -page 5 HARLEQUIN April 1959 302 Read Hall University of Missouri Editors: Dan Hays Tom Sieg the oddball-page 8 i say missouri is better than minnesota -page 15 Mudlands-center of book the happiness vendors -page 22 the plight of the mar- ried student-page 27 the ACNE report -page 31 Art Director Larry Postaer Staff: Al Chapman Art Katz Editorial Assistant Alice Roberts Jokes, Exchanges Liz Huff Business Manager Dick Johnston Advertising Manager Glen St. Pierre Assistant Barbara Heiter Circulation Manager Brack Hinchey Promotion Manager Bob Wiser H.R. Mueller Florist TIGER DRUG editorial The April 10 issue of Maneater contained some interesting remarks about Harlequin's first issue. It is difficult to argue, to defend oneself against so highly regard a person a sthe esteemed editor of our fine campus news- paper. Anything we say could be torn to shreds by the obvious- ly valid assertion that Maneater is considerably funnier than Harlequin. But then, unconscious humor is always the funniest. Miss E. N., who really can't be blamed for never signing her full name to her editorials, made a rather big issue of the fact that one story carried four words that were also in another story. She called this "stealing from your own magazine." Well, we admit our magazine is not completely original; in fact, we've had a difficult time finding writers who are consistent in turn- ing out quality material. If things don't look up soon, we may have to take our lead from those helpful little hints that some- how crop up every now and then in Maneater. You know, the ones that say, "Try a Missourian Want-Ad." THE PORTION of the "critique" that amused us most was where E. N. referred to our material - indirectly - as garbage. She gives the distinct impression that she thinks little of our writers' abiilties, yet in the Missouri College Newspaper Asso- ciation contest recently, Maneater submitted a Harleqiun re- ject as one of its "top six" special columns of the year. And four of its top six editorials were hurriedly written products of two Harlequin writers. This number is the most Maneater could submit by the two writers under MCNA rules. A Harlequin staff member wrote one feature story - only one - for Maneater, and it was submitted as one of the top six features. All this is not to say these Harlequin staffers are top-notch writers. It is, rather, to say that one publication's spoiled milk may be an- other's cream. In her passing comment on the ANTEATER center spread, she commented sarcastically that "all that satire on a newspa- per's alleged mistakes must have taken considerable effort . . . particularly the one line that was turned upside down." She would have you believe we did this accidentally, and that such an error never had appeared in Maneater. On page six of the same issue in which her editorial appeared, a line was turned upside down. Tsk, tsk, E. N., you don't have to illustrate your own misrepresentations. SHE REFERRED to our article, "i say none of you are having illicit sex relations, are you?" as "i say none of you are having illicit sex affairs, are you?" She got eleven of twelve words right, though, which is hitting pretty close, considering that the rest of her criticism left us wondering whether she could read at all. But we don't mind the type of criticism we get from Man- eater. After all, we're aware that Harlequin has faults, and intelligent criticism could have made us look bad. essays can be fun M Sailor by bill zander Sad though it seems, brilliant thinkers and philosophical gen- iuses at some time during their lives are wont to pick up pen and paper and put down their thoughts for posterity. I say "sad" because they rarely stop to note that someday their writings may be assigned in English class to some stupid, ignorant college stu- dent. These stupid, ignorant col- lege students rarely know just what the hell the brilliant think- er is talking about. This unfortunate circumstance causes the stupid, ignorant col- lege students to hate the brilliant thinkers. The hate grows as these essays are assigned for themes and final exams. The stu- pid, ignorant college students burn midnight oil trying to fig- ure out what the brilliant think- ers are talking about and softly curse them for ever writing these essays. If brilliant thinkers would save their brilliant thoughts for all- night poker parties at the corner bar and between-races conversa- tion at Santa Anita, everything would be fine. But these brilliant thinkers hardly give a damn what stupid, ignorant college students think of them, so they write these essays anyway. So let's all us stupid, ignorant college stu- dents face this fact. Actually, according to the av- erage English Prof, essays aren't hard once you figure out the central idea or thesis. However, brilliant thinkers enjoy using complex, abstract reasoning and huge words such as "humbug" which completely confuse the av- erage stupid college student. Therefore, central ideas are often tough to find, and the college student, who is used to reading only Gene Autry comic books and Mickey Spillane novels, isn't gen- erally aware of just exactly what's coming off. As a public service, then, I should like to list several com- monly read essays, each with the central idea clearly expressed. Read the list carefully, and then you won't have to reach each fif- ty-page essay which says the same thing in 10,000 words. 1. West-The Meaning of Trea- son-"Stool-pigeons stink." 2. Emerson-Self Reliance - "Plagiarists stink." 3. Ayres-Society in the Light of Reason-"Reasoning stinks." 4. Arnold-Culture and Anar- chy-"Machinery stinks." 5. Stevenson-Pulvis et Um- bra-"People stink." 6. Thoreau-Walden- "Civili- zation stinks." 7. The writings of H. L. Men- cken-"Everything stinks." This brings us to the next vital problem. What should the average stupid college student do when told by his Prof to compose an essay of his own? First, he should find something that stinks. A good essayist nev- er writes about something he likes. Mainly because a good es- sayist hates everything. He must find something to bitch about in 5 anything. For instance, you could write on how you don't like wom- en or anchovies or how they ought to have more bars on Ca- nal street or make a loud out- cry against segregation in rest- rooms. Then write. Use atrociously long words and monstrous 15-line sentences. The accomplished es- sayist takes as long as possible to say what he wants. Tell ex- actly what you don't like and why. If you don't actually have reasons for not liking whatever it is, make some up, because sev- eral reasons always confuse the Prof. However, you must be careful, for there is one problem involved in writing an essay from this for- mula. Your Prof may himself be a brilliant thinker. Admittedly, this is not very likely, but if it should happen, your paper will probably come back marked, "F -this essay stinks!" BEVERAGE HOUSE Chap "I once saw a rhinoceros with horns like yours." Pucketts the odd ball by william langerham It was September, and for six months we had lived there to- gether. We all wore the same sick- green uniforms that stank of all the filth and rottenness of Tae- gu; we had our hair cut the same way, ate together, worked to- gether, and bunked so close to each other that we could as well have slept together; and in the evenings we drank together. None of us was fond of Korea; we knew it was the lousiest as- signment in the service, yet in a way we were lucky. We were nineteen good friends, and in the boring monotony and isolation of Korea, friendship was essential. Without it a man was alone; and being alone, he had too much time to think. We all worried and wondered how long the setup would last. After all, we were in Korea and in the Air Force, and there never existed two better reasons that a bearable situation should be disrupted. We had waited half a year - some more, some less - for something or somebody to come along and change things. His name was Gus, and he was a Master Sergeant. He was wait- ing for us one evening when we returned from our usual before- supper drink at the Club. "Hi, gang! My name's Gus. I'm your new hut chief." None of us burst out laughing just then, but Bob Aldridge snick- ered pretty loud. Our new hut chief seemed embarrassed, and he should have been. We weren't raw recruits who could be fooled that easily; we knew that any time six stripes stared you in the face and said "My name's Gus," and didn't once mention the word "Sergeant," something had to be phony. "Welcome, Sergeant. I'm Ser- geant Le Blanc." They shook hands. "And these boys are . . . oh well, you'll probably be call- ing roll soon anyway, and you'll learn their names then." "Papa- san" Le Blanc was a real joker -we all knew that nobody in the outfit ever called roll. We sat around the hut for awhile, then decided to go to chow and from there to the Club. Naturally we didn't invite Gus. When a guy's been in the serv- ice a couple of years he can spot an odd ball the moment he sees (This, Harlequin's first straight-fiction entry, will probably not make you laugh. This is at least partly because it was not intended to be funny. Harlequin will continue to print simple, straightforward, enter- taining fiction - the kind for which there is no other outlet at M.U.-when it receives a worthwhile story.) one, and we had Gus pegged right away. Sure enough, the next morning Gus called roll, and our suspi- cions about him were confirmed. Soon he started raising hell, just the way we all knew he would. "What time did you men get back from the Club last night?" "Oh, I don't know; about mid- night, I guess." Actually it was two o'clock, because the Club closed at midnight and we went into town after that, but if Gus knew Papa-san was lying, he didn't let on. "And you drank here for quite a while after you got back. Isn't lights out at 10:30?" "Oh yes, Sergeant, you're right." Le Blanc was getting sar- castic now, the way an old sol- dier can, saying something sim- ple like "Yes, sir" and making it sound like "Go to Hell!" "You see, Sergeant, we've all been around here a long time, and we know the ropes. Nobodys going to say anything." That really cut Gus down. He didn't say a word, just stood there looking confused and lost. Everything went pretty smooth- ly for the next month or so, and we learned more about Gus. He was a gung-ho career man who didn't believe in drinking much or sleeping with the local josans, and he sent most of his money home to his wife every month, so naturally none of us had much use for him. But we treated him fairly; we didn't try to make things tough for him the way the men in most outfits would. We simply figured him for one of the "old maid" noncoms you're bound to run into now and then, and let it go at that. As long as he left us along, we didn't bother him. Gus didn't say much about the rest of us drinking in the hut and carrying on the way we all did, but he had the notion that all the bottles should be corked and the noise down by midnight. We were getting a little tired of putting up with his chickerr ideas, so we more or less just for- got he was our hut chief. Any- time any of us had problems or suggestions, we took them to someone else or just kept quiet. Gus didn't appreciate that, but SAUNDERS there wasn't a hell of a lot he could do about it. For awhile Gus tried pretty hard to get in with us. When we were going to the movies or to play Bingo, he'd let us know as subtly as he knew how that he wasn't doing anything in partic- ular. But we never invited him, and he never came right out and asked if he could go along, so we didn't feel guilty about leaving him alone in the hut most nights. By then we all knew the sort Gus was, and we knew there had to be trouble sometime, but we were trying so hard to give the guy a break that we had our- selves believing everything would be all right. There were ways a group as large as ours could hurt a person, even somebody who outranked them all, but that was the last thing any of us wanted to do. We hadn't figured him completely rotten and turning us in. We were all surprised when the commander called us in. He was obviously excited, because he had that same fire in his eyes that was there when he said, "You guys think you've got it rough! When I was on Corregi- dor . . . " "I have a report here from your hut chief!" he shouted. "It says that not one of you slept in your quarters last night! What the hell is this, a conspiracy?" Le Blanc stumbled, sweating it out about ten seconds before he went on, "You see, sir, we were in town having a little party, and it got to be pretty late, and we didn't think there would be any harm if we just stayed out, sir." "Oh, I see," the colonel said. "You expect me to believe that all nineteen of you just happened to be at the same party, and all of you just happened to decide to stay out, just like that. Hell, Le Blanc, I know you men have formed a tight little clique, and if only five or six of you were involved, I might believe you, but . . what kind of fool do you take me for? Tell me what really happened!" "I told you, sir." Le Blanc was firm, and he looked the Colonel straight in the eye as if he were telling the truth, and the old man began to soften. "All right. Aldridge, is he tell- ing the truth?" "Yes, sir." "Eklor?" "Yes, sir." "Well," the commander laugh- ed, "there isn't much use my asking the rest of you; you'd all swear on your mother's graves that Le Blanc here is virgin if he wanted you to. You're all re- stricted to base for a week. And remember, if you're going to stay out all night, do it three or four at a time, so it won't be so con- spicuous. That's all." "Yes, sir." Le Blanc saluted and executed a military about- face, and we left as fast as we dared. We weie all mad as hell, and we decided to meet at the Club when we got off duty. The meeting turned out to be just another drinking session, and when we left, the only thing that had been decided was that we all disliked Gus even more than Moon Valley Villa we had before. We couldn't de- cide what to do to get even, and after a couple of weeks we had just about forgotten the whole thing when Gus did something that brought us all to our senses. The old bastard fired our hut- boy. This wasn't unusual, because hut-boys were always stealing from the men or pimping on gov- ernment time, and Lee was no exception. Still, he was one of the best boys on the base, and he had been pretty good to us, so we were pretty worked up about it. We all went to the or- derly room and asked the Com- mander to transfer Gus because it was obviously impossible for us to live with him anymore. All that trip got us was a group chewing-out that made the last one look like a promotion recom- mendation, and we decided we had to do something about Gus. We were through playing games; Papa-san suggested the silent treatment, and we agreed. It worked perfectly. At night, Gus would come in and sit around looking at every- body, knowing nobody would say anything to him. He'd write a letter, listen to the radio, or just sit, with his hands clasped in his lap and his eyes staring straight out at nothing; then he'd usually come over to me, since we were both from Cleveland, and say something like, "Well, Billy boy, what do you hear from home?" and I could see in his eyes that he thought I was his only hope. Usually I did some- thing cute, like putting on a stack of records and turning the player's volume up high, or call- ing out to Papa-san, "Let's go have a drink; I'm hearing things." Before long Gus began butter- ing up to everybody as if we were all Colonels, but we didn't call off the treatment. Sometimes, in the night, it bothered me to hear a thirty-six year old man crying, but all he would have had to do to end it was hire Lee back and act decent. Sometimes he'd look like he couldn't stand it anymore, and he'd come up to us and ask, "What do you want from me?" We'd just smile and walk away. Then one night at about twelve- thirty, some of us came back from a drinking party and found Aldridge alone in the hut with Gus. We had a rule against that, so we turned his bunk over on him. Well, Gus had a fit. He leaped out of bed and began rav- ing something about how we could have hurt the man pretty badly and some of that other gung-ho stuff about accidents, but nobody answered him. When Gus finally went back to bed, the rest of us sat around quietly un- til we knew he was asleep, and then one of the boys turned the lights out, got a bucket of water, and threw it on Gus. They went ahead and trans- ferred Gus, even though he wouldn't tell them why he wanted the transfer. He just told them he couldn't stand to stay in the outfit, and wouldn't say any- thing else. But it would have been his word against all of ours, so we wouldn't have cared one way or the other what he said. After Gus left, we had a nor- mal hut. We could stay up all night drinking and throwing bot- tles at each other, or sleep with one of the local josans-or out in a ditch somewhere, for that matter - and nobody would put us down for missing bed check. It's funny how one odd ball can mess up nineteen other guys, and we were glad to be able to act human again after he left. RECORDS TAPES STEREO HI-FI AT THE HI FI HOUSE by alan chapman the joys of living by alan chapman "To the best dressed gal on the campus" She buys her clothes from Harzfeld's SAUNDERS "It must be a disease or some- thing. I get this way every spring." "Well, it's spring. I guess that damn George will be coming over any day now!" "lets all sing" We realize that some of our readers will have trouble reading the lyrics to this song. Therefore, we have printed a translation at the top of page 30. Chap i say missouri is better than minnesota by charles allen A friend and I took a quick trip recently to the frozen wasteland of Minnesota. We Mis- sourians should feel sort of sorry for the frigid folk in that backward state. After all, they have a larger land area, fewer people, and a lower per capita income than Missouri - and no state sales tax to fall back on. Anyway, my friend and I had a good laugh looking around the university campus and talk- ing to the clods in Minneapolis. They've really got some tremendous problems up there. Inef- ficient as hell. But then it's a poor state, and efficiency costs money. The most inefficient thing up there is the way they squander so much money for trivial things. They pay instructors and professors about half again as much as we do here, and they do the same for graduate assistants. It's really no wonder everything else is in such lousy shape. But they'll probably wake up some day and realize that they could do a lot by paying less and spending the money elsewhere. We looked at the old hospital, and let me tell you, those people don't know the first thing about architecture! It's sort of a reddish-brown building, all funny-looking, really pretty ridicu- lous. But the stupidest thing is they didn't learn from their mistake - the other three hospitals they've built on campus in the last ten years don't look much better. About as ridiculous as anything on the whole campus, though, is a building damn near a block long and six stories high that they use for their chemical engineering department. Nothing else in the whole building but chemical engineering, 15 this month's BALFOUR BEAUTY Miss Dorcas Sue Jeans, Kappa Alpha Theta . . . . Recently pinned to Edward Patton Spei- ser, Sigma Nu Her pin by Balfour Troy C. Newman, Agent Another Balfour Beauty is the official M.U. class ring, the only die-struck ring offered. And in the heavy weight ring, the price is only $31.50 plus tax. Com- pare before you buy, and you . . . BUY BALFOUR Official Fraternity and Sorority Pins Crested and engraved gifts L. G. BALFOUR Missouri Theater Building with a bunch of labs and rooms with all sorts of shiny, confusing equipment. That's one thing about good old Mizzou - you'll never catch us wasting space like that. The athletic facilities up there are pretty bad, but you've got to give them credit for try- ing. They're talking about tearing down their old 63,000-seat football stadium and building a new one; guess that's in case they ever got a winning team, they might attract a good crowd. Their fieldhouse seats 18,000 for basketball and 8,500 for hockey at the same time - a pretty stupid arrangement, if you ask me. It's all right. I guess, but it's an awfully plain-looking build- ing. Probably about as dumb a thing as I've ever seen is that although the university is adequate they're still expanding. In fact, when they ran out of space on the east side of the river, they went and decided to move all the way across the Mississippi and build on the west side. They're tearing down houses like mad there right now. Hell, if it was us, we'd realize we didn't need all those buildings, especially if we'd just about rebuilt the entire campus since World War II. the way they have up there. While we were at the University of Minne- sota my friend and I stopped by the student union, too. It isn't so bad, but it's about five or six stories high and covers God-knows-how-much ground. They don't have hardly any signs up to tell you how to get from place to place, and we got lost. What really bothered us, though. was that they don't serve beer in their bowling alley, and what's a bowling alley without beer. anyway Besides, they only have six or seven really good lanes. Another thing we got a kick out of is the tremendous parking problem they have. Some- times there's a line ten or twelve cars long wait- ing to get into the three-deck parking ramp they built a couple of years ago. But then, I guess ev- ery university has parking problems of one sort or another. Of course, there are some minor areas where Minnesota has it over Missouri, like scho- lastic ratings and such, but the overall picture up there is pretty dismal. Why, I heard that they don't even have a mall, and aren't planning one. Oh well, it's a poor state. WIN A FIN from LIMERICK LAUGHTER A New Monthly Contest Sponsored and Judged by the Harlequin Staff on Behalf of our Back Cover Advertiser Put a little sunshine in your life. Put some cash in your pocket. Enter the monthly Harlequin "Lim- erick Laughter" contest. It's easy. It's fun. You have three chances to win every month you enter. Here's how the contest works: Each month, the Harlequin will award $5 for the best limerick submitted with an empty L & M cig- arette pack. Another $5 will be paid for the best limerick submitted with an empty Chesterfield pack, and a third $5 for the best limerick submitted with an empty Oasis pack. Ten (10) honorary mention limerick winners each month will receive Happy Talk games, the new hilarious word game. Write your limerick on any subject you choose. Enter as often as you wish, but be sure to accom- pany each limerick with an empty pack of L & M, Chesterfield or Oasis cigarettes. This contest is open to all Mizzou, Stephens and Christian students and faculty members. Entries must be mailed or delivered to the Harlequin Office, and limericks for the April contest must be received by May 7, 1959. Names of the winners will be published soon. So enter now and keep entering each month. The samples below show you how easy it is to write a winning limerick. At Missouri the coming of spring Is not marked by the bird on the wing But by each Lochinvar Setting forth in his car Intent on an ol' Hinkson fling. O pity the plight of Farouk Once a king now not even a duke But he still gets big pleasure In true kingly measure With a Chesterfield in his Chibouk. An astronomy student named Lars Discovered while studying Mars With an L & M smoke He could always evoke A great deal more taste and less tars. A maiden who'd never been kissed Kept wondering what she had missed 'Til she smoked an Oasis And just on that basis She settled for its Menthol Mist. Make laffs and money L & M is Low in tar with More taste to it. Don't settle for one without the other. CHESTERFIELD KING Nothing Satisfies Like the Big Clean Taste of Top Tobacco MENTHOL-MILD OASIS Delightfully Different - a Refreshing Change 17 Contemporary C 3560 SHELLY MANNE & HIS MEN PLAY PETER GUNN Music by Henry Mancini from the TV program starring Craig Stevens Manne, it's the greatest! Wonderful jazz originals by Hank Mancini from the score of the TV show PETER GUNN find an ideal interpreter in SHELLY MANNE & HIS MEN. Shelly, who also plays for the TV program sound track, invited guest star Victor Feldman (also a PETER GUNN regular) to join his men for this swinging jazz session. Shelly's Men- stars, all - are: Victor Feldman, vibes and marimba; Conte Condoli, trumpet; Herb Geller, alto sax; Russ Freeman, piano; and Monty Budwig, bass. Recorded in Contemporary's superb high fidelity sound. 12" Hi-Fi Long Playing C3560, $4.98; also available on STEREO RECORDS S7025, $5.95 at dealers everywhere. CONTEMPORARY RECORDS 8481 Melrose Place, Los Angeles 46, California on other campuses ROREM "Did you finish that Kafka story, dear?" - PROFILE - Stack "Who's abominable?" -Ranger Columbia Jester "Claims she models for Picasso." Baron Gesell CCNY Mercury 19 Baldwin "It thinks it's pregnant." Kampustowne Grocery Do you sometimes stop in a local restaurant just be- cause you're tired and want to rest? At times like this, are you bothered by wait- resses who won't even let you finish, but come running up to you before you've drunk half a cup of coffee and ask, "Would you like something else?" Well, you can't just say something like, "Hell no, I'm just tired - leave me alone." So naturally you're forced to buy something you really don't want. This is a. distressing prob- lem, but one that can easily be solved. How? Simple: Go to the BENGAL . . you'll never get waited on there! The Driveateria Mary Dyer is her name, and if you haven't seen her among the beauty queens chosen here each year, you're probably as puzzled as we are. An Alpha Phi, she came to M.U. from O'Fallon, Missouri, to major in edu- cation. Some of her favorite pastimes are dancing, painting, golf, horseback-riding and designing her own clothes. For some inexplicable reason, she is unattached, and unless that lucky "right man" comes along, she plans to teach in elementary schools. Vital statistics: 19 years old, brunette, green eyes, 5 feet, 4 inches tall, 112 pounds, Gibson 2-5652. the harlequin leers photos by art terry the happiness vendors by randy gardner 22 What a wonderful age. Click, and music fills your room or your car. Happy music sung by happy people. And happy announcers to an- nounce. Two wonderful, nearby stations to en- tertain us. And, there's variety, too. There are sad songs to contrast with the happy ones. And there's variety in context. You'll hear a song about a boy in Love with a girl, and the next thing you know, there's a song about a girl in Love with a boy. Or maybe it'll be about a girl who isn't in Love with a boy: Bye bye baby bye bye, Bye bye baby bye bye, Bye bye baby bye bye, Bye bye baby bye bye, This is from a song called Bye Bye Baby Bye Bye. Good entertainment doesn't come by acci- dent; pure, cold logic is responsible. (1) The object of a station is to get people to listen. (2) People will listen if they can hear what they like. (3) What people like is' accurately indi- cated by the numbers on the Hit Parade list. (4) Therefore, the Hit Parade is The Infallible Guide to Disk Jockeying. People with a poorer sense of logic claim that the Hit Parade is determined by adolescent girls who buy records to learn the words to be able to sing the words as they walk to grade and high school to impress adolescent boys. How- ever, this obviously can't be true, for adolescent girls aren't the section of the audience to which the stations are slated, for these girls don't de- cide brand X or brand Z is the better coffee, car, or cigar. We hear informative, varied, and entertain- ing commercials. For example, the Nervous Shop's song has been playing only about seven years, seven times a day. Here's real, meaty poetry: The Nervous Shop, the Nervous Shop The finest ladies' shoe ware. The Nervous Shop has Ca-pinchy-toe shoes And many other new there. Notice that shoe ware and new there rhyme. And there's a real catchy tune to boot. Fortunately, AM radio in this area hasn't been degraded to the level of the FM stations of the larger cities. If you are forced to listen to FM you can't hear some of the more modern clas- sics as My Bucket's Got a Hole in It, by Ricky Nelson. You must listen to long-and semi-long- hair muck. Commercials come only once every half hour or hour and last only half a minute; and it's hard to get their message because they use the annoying soft sell. A great service to the village is the exten- sive weather report in the early morning. An honest-to-Fred weather technician calls the sta- tions and gives a five-or ten-minute dissertation on cold and warm fronts approaching Slippery Rock, Fudd, and East Bush. How lucky to live in Columbia: Missouri's, nay, the nation's, most progressive city. 23 the unwilling model by bob curtis 1. "Oh, oh, it's that damned photographer. I'll try to ignore him." 2. "Well, what do you want, idiot?" 3. "Oh, a picture?" 4. "Of little ol' me?" 5. "Go to hell." Chap "Is this where I sign up for labor problems?" the Novus store NEUKOMM' S Baldwin ". with Nannek in Washington as chair- man of the salmon lobby and you as state highway commissioner, we're in!" Ruggles Cafe John' s Drive - In Liquor Store HONEST I AGO Baldwin the plight of the married student by jon e. slinger On September 25, 1789, the illustrious founders of our gov- ernment voted into the Constitution the most powerful man- dates for individual liberty known to men. They were incorpo- rated in a document reverently called the Bill of Rights. One of the most important of those mandates was the First Amendment, which provided specifically for five separate and paramount freedoms. Before examining each of them, let us turn to the past for a moment. A study of our history shows that we have never completely attained the high standards of personal freedoms envisioned in the Constitution. At times we have plunged into periods of al- most despotic oppression. But each time our freedoms sank to a new low, an upsurge of idealism immediately ensued; thus, through opposing cycles, we have maintained a consistently high average of self determination. Paradoxically, even in those times in which we have most staunchly upheld our rights, one social institution has continu- ously been fraught with the worst sort of tyranny. Many times our highest court has reversed attempts by both government and interest groups to squelch the rights of the common man. Yet since its inception in 1789, the Supreme Court has never at- tempted to check the power of the greatest threat to liberty, the American Wife. Lest the fearful clamor of cowardly males din my ear, I hereby set forth an indictment the truth of which no reasonable man, however timid, can deny. Using as a gauge that selfsame First Amendment, let us see precisely how the revered image of American Womanhood has applied the principles embodied in it to her downtrodden mate. These are the "no's" set down by the Constitution. " . . No law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," says the First. Through- out the land this hallowed principle is flagrantly violated by millions of wives. Faced with the threat of a domestic war, droves of Ameri- can husbands are marched off to church every Sunday. Pitifully few men can assert their militant anti-clericalism and get away with it. The church is indeed an Established one - established by the evil machinations of thousands of pious wives who have no concept of religious freedom. Not only is the American husband forced to go to church, but often the choice of which church to attend is not his own. An experience of the author is a case in point. Becoming inter- ested in the doctrine of a certain church, I proposed to my wife that we investigate it. She immediately began to revile me and charge that I didn't really love her or I would not insist on going to a church that practices polygamy. I suggested meekly that the polygamy aspect had been dead for years, and timidly of- fered the proposal that having a single wife was a social, rather than a religious, concept. I have not yet completely recovered from the effects of uttering such heresy. ". . Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech or of the press," says the First Amendment in no un- certain terms. But imagine, if you can, what would happen to a husband who candidly told his wife on awakening in the morn- ing that she looked like the wrath of God. The bold patriot who did this would surely eat his breakfast in the Bengal Shop. But he would also be the victim of a silent war of nerves designed to break him into crawling, meek apology. And once he had succumbed, he would find his statement flaunted in his face years after the event. Freedom of the press might seem irrelevant in marriage, but what about the married student who tells his wife proudly that he has been asked to write something for Harlequin? He writes under a pseudonym if he writes at all, for his virtuous mate flatly forbids him to work for a magazine whose name "sounds like a bad woman." " . . . No law abridging the right of the people peaceably to assemble," says the First Amendment. Right here in Columbia great numbers of married students are allowed to assemble peaceably only in the movie theaters. The Prohibition Amend- ment was tossed aside by the country more than twenty years ago, but it is still rigidly enforced by a whole host of Carrie Nations in modern dress. Finally, there is the portion of the Amendment which reads, " . . No law abridging the right of the people to petition the government for redress of grievances." This right the American husband has. The government is, in this instance, the wife. And the husband can petition her for redress of grievances until he's blue in the face. But the fact is, wives simply do not com- mit grievances against their husbands. This is so axiomatic that it is more or less taken for granted by all embattled husbands. Indeed, the shoe is on the other foot. Many husbands spend the major portion of their married lives and a good deal of their economic resources in redressing their wives' grievances, often by rdressing their wives with peace offerings to end hostilities they did not initiate. We urgently recommend, then, that student husbands climb back up on the First and take a valiant stand. We urge them to marshal these facts together, combine them with their own reasoned assertions, and confront their wives with them. But if they ask where you got the argument, please, for our sake, take the Fifth. 28 Zesto New Coranado Club Little Jack Homer Sat in a corner B. O. * * * * A bird in the hand isn't worth the risk "Is George in?" "Sorry, he's out." "Will he be out long?" "I don't think he will. They're just putting him under a cold shower now." "Look dear, I've switched to Banned, the new slop-on deo- dorant." by tom saunders Allen's flowers the Wigwam dean's Town & Country "One of America's Outstanding College Shops." the ACNE report by primo herrington mizzou lauded (This fall the Academy of Aca- demic Achievement is honoring one-hundred schools which have furthered American edu- cation. Our university, along with such distinguished lyce- ums as The Normal State Teachers College, Normal, Illi- nois, a n d Hickman High School, has been selected by the reviewing Committee as a worthy school. The Harlequin has received permission to quote from the forthcoming of- ficial publication of the organi- zation.) THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI . . The University of Missouri is nationally recognized as the edu- cational center of Boone County. This status of academic excel- lence can be attributed to the world's oldest school of journal- ism, with a faculty representative of that age. The University also boasts a law school which has been graduating solicitors of sev- eral varieties for more than eight decades. It is also the only school in the nation to award Green Stamps. The University was formed in 1839, and its first president was the renowned psychologist, James Jukes, who pioneered the con- cept that the armpit was the emo- tional center of the body. This revered educator's broad con- cepts spearheaded the Univer- sity's growth, and set the intel- lectual aroma which is still evi- dent today. During the Civil War the Uni- versity was seized by the Fed- eral Government and used as a penal institution. Several build- ings from this era still stand in open defiance of Newton's laws. Known as Andersonville, the school thrived during this period and is currently believed to have more ex-convicts among its alum- ni than any other American in- stitution. The effects of this peri- od also have been lasting. Ever conscious of social pro- gress, the school admitted women for the first time in 1869. During this seminal period many infant projects were conceived, includ- ing the school of engineering, the school of journalism, the school of mines and metallurgy, the plumbers and steamfitters academy and the school of busi- ness and public administration. In 1932 the Board of Curators, viewing t h e s e achievements, again defined the purposes of the University in these words: "A true state university strives to be intellectual . . . cultural . . . a community of scholars and learn- ers." PAST PRESIDENTS . While members of the Jukes family have assumed the execu- 31 tive position off and on during the last century, past officials of note have been personages such as Henry David Thoreau, Daniel Defoe, Bat Masterson, Fatty Ar- buckle, Dr. Zhivago, Emmett Kel- ly and Mary Hartline. THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY The University library provides facilities for course preparation, scholarly and creative work and coffee breaks, and possesses 870,- 000 volumes, of which 850,000 are on reserve. Some books are stored in the library proper, but because of crowded conditions, others can be found in the power and light building, the Stephens Stables and in Sturgeon. The University has as its prized collection a com- plete set of Zane Grey, and is now working on an Ellery Queen collection. It also holds the only collection of Columbia Missouri- ans and assorted moldy issues of the Lynn, Mo., Unterrified Demo- crat, and the Centralia, Mo., Fireside Guard, for reference work. ADMISSION, STUDENT STATUS AND TRANSFER OF CREDIT . . . Any man, woman or herma- phrodite between the ages of five and ninety is acceptable for ad- mission to the University. How- ever, a request for admission can be rejected if the father of the applying child (during the four years in Columbia all those not possessing faculty credentials are regarded as mentally deficient cherubs or potential sex deviates) is in arrears on his income tax, or failed to vote for the governor in office. Those who enjoy the virgin state will be given prefer- ence over those who have shown signs of moral negligence. All students enjoy the same 32 Baldwin "I guess it beats cancer." status, a level of human existence somewhat less than respectibility, but something more than the lot of a dotard or a peasant. How much more has only been vag- uely defined. Generally speaking, the stu- dent is persona non grata with the school and local society. Credits from the University can be transferred to other schools or colleges in Howard, Boone and Callaway counties. The University can guarantee no acceptance outside these areas. Transfer ratios from the Univer- sity of Missouri rank among the lowest of any school in this country. STUDENTS FROM FOREIGN COUNTRIES . . . Any student not born in Boone, Howard or Callaway counties is regarded as an alien and retains this status until he has purchased more than $1000 worth of goods in these areas. This usually requires one shop- ping trip downtown. AIDS AND AWARDS . . . The University boasts numer- ous areas of financial assistance for deserving students. Included in this program is the Polly Adler Allowance for home management studies, the Albert Capone Fund for studies in the American tax structure, the Hank Williams Award for the study of classical music, and the Ingrid Bergman Fund for use by any qualified student specializing in family re- lationships. GRADING AND GRADUATION . . . Grades at the University are awarded n o t by scholastic achievement or by knowledge of the subject matter. They are awarded on the basis of class at- tendance. Obviously, an individ- ual who fails to attend stimulat- ing lectures must have some in- herent deficiencies in his mental development pattern. The profes- sor assumes no responsibility for a high absence ratio, for after all, if the professor is in the class- room, there is no excuse for the student's nonattendance. It is interesting to note that in the history of American schools and colleges, not one employer has ever requested to see a po- tential employee's diploma. STUDENT LIFE AND ACTIVITIES . . . The city of Columbia was orig- inally called Figaro, in view of the alarmingly high marriage rate among students. However, there is much activity in the com- munity: a student union that caters to loafers and barbarians who foster savage music, "bars" that serve colored water which in other states is considered a strong form of kool-aid, greek or- ganizations that feature social sa- turnalia unequaled since the days of the bacchanalian revelry, sev- eral women's schools which offer work in such modern intellectual areas as advanced grooming and long division, and other groups specializing in moral rehabilita- tion and spiritual salvation. (the editors of this publica- tion appreciate the kindness of the American Council for Na- tion Education (ACNE) and the authors of this piece. The University of Missouri plays an important role in contempo- rary education, and we, the students, appreciate the op- portunity to study here, and look forward to graduation.) COMMANDING OFFICER ROTC HILBERG THE RECORD SHOP Mugs up S. S. yacht Club Chap. The firing squad was escort- ng a Russian comrade to his place of execution. It was a dismal march in a pouring rain. "What a terrible morning to die," muttered the prisoner. "What are you kicking about?" asked a guard. "We gotta march back in it." Platonic love is like being in- vited down in the cellar for a bottle of ginger ale. Never take a spoon without wiping it off. That is, if you want to keep your pocket clean. "What's all the hurry?" "I just bought a new textbook and I'm trying to get to class be- fore the new edition comes out." "I understand you buried your wife last week." "Yes, dead you know." It isn't the ice that makes peo- ple slip, it's what they mix with it. * * * * One man in a thousand is a leader of men; the others follow women. PEP O MINT LIFE SAVERS Baldwin "Party lines burn my . " COMING ATTRACTION milkmaid Geisha the most dangerous sin crime and punishment mitsou the naked eye the truth about women my uncle (mr. hulot) he who must die the Princess Pam Art Theatre During sorority rushing at a midwestern university, prospects are asked to fill out a question- naire. Opposite "List any person- al attributes which would be beneficial to the sorority," one hopeful rushee simply wrote: "35- 23-34." A wierd looking man came in and sat down at the bar. "What will it be?" the barten- der asked. "A Martini." The bartender mixed it up and set the drink in front of him. The man proceeded to drink the Mar- tini, eat the olive, the pit, and chew around the edge of the cocktail glass and throw the stem away. He ordered another and continued the same procedure. Finally he looked over at the bartender who had been watch- ing him all of this time. "I bet you think I'm crazy," he leered. "You sure are," answered the bartender, "you're throwing away the best part." * * * * Landlady: How do you like this room as a whole? Student: As a hole it's fine, as a room not so good. * * * * It was Joe College's first day on the farm. At 3:30 his uncle Zeke rudely aroused him from his slumber. "What's the matter?" queried Joe. "What's doing?" "Reaping." "Reaping what?" "Oats." "Are they wild?" "Sure aren't." "Well if they aren't wild, what's the use of sneaking up on them in the dark?" 36 greeks, trojans, morals and movies by m. t. Helen is lovely, Menelaus bad, Paris handsome, Achilles mad. The lovely are good, The ugly are mean, Morality's simple On the colored screen. He: "I don't know who I am. I was left on a doorstep." She: "Maybe you're a milk bot- tle." Notice on the bulletin board of the zoology department: "We don't begrudge your taking a lit- tle alcohol but please return our specimens." The Keg "It's spelled J-A-N-T-Z-E-N, and it must come from Julie's" KING COLE DRIVE INN DORN-CLONEY Baldwin "That's my dog Tige." Pledge: Who's that girl with the ugly face? Active: That's my sister. Pledge: Beautiful figure. The mother of triplets was be- ing congratulated by a friend. "Isn't it wonderful," said the mo- ther. It only happens one out of 15,184 times!" "Well isn't that remarkable," replied her friend, "but I don't see how you find time to do your housework." "My roommate fell downstairs last night with a fifth of whiskey." "Did he spill any?" "No, he kept his mouth closed." The curse of drink is being stuck with the check. * * * * Tight clothing does not stop circulation. The tighter her cloth- ing, the more a girl circulates, 37 the bathman House "When I go to bed at night I always see yellow and green lights in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a psychia- trist?" "No, just yellow and green lights." Expectant mother: "Would you like a baby sister or a baby bro- ther?" Son: "If it's not too much trou- ble, I'd like a pony." It was on a sleighride. The cuddly sweet thing heaved a deep sigh for the benefit of the eligi- ble young man at her side. "What's the matter, Miss Smith?" "Nobody loves me; and my hands are cold." "Oh, that's all right," he com- forted. "God loves you and you can sit on your hands." President Ellis: I never saw the campus littered so with paper as it was this morning. How do you account for it? Dean Matthews: The Grounds Maintenance Commissioner had leaflets distributed yesterday asking students not to throw paper about. Absent-minded prof: Lady, what are you doing in my bed? Lady: Well, I like this bed; I like this neighborhood; I like this house and I like this room. Besides . . . I'm your wife. They were having one more at the bar when an old friend, previously quite normal, came through the door, walked up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and disappeared out the door. There was a moment of silence, then: "What in the world's the matter with that guy?" "Yeah, he didn't even speak to us." I got a dog, his name is Rover, He's fluffy and soft and brown all over. He's as cute and cuddly as sugar babies. It's sure too bad that he's got ra- bies. Co-ed: I finally went to Dr. Gim- mel about the craving I get for kissing every time I have a couple of drinks. 2nd Co-ed: What did he give you? Co-ed: A couple of drinks. Dog n' Suds Columbia OPTICANS LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN TO Columbia's "Most Happy" Station 1580 on your Dial KBIA CHESTERFIELD KING