Showme October, 1960 Showme October, 1960 2008 1960/10 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show196010

Showme October, 1960; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1960

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Showme October, 1960 35 cents 40 years on campus Ready? Pla-Boy Drive-In Lockett's Puckett's Letters to the Editors Mort Walker 51 Mayo Avenue Greenwich, Conn. Dear editor, Here is my happy contribution to the revival of the SHOWME. You can do what you will with it. I didn't want to put color on the original since it is rather cost- ly to make color seperations. It doesn't really need color, but you can slap an overlay on it if you want. Perhaps you can spot some red on the magazine the girl is handing Beetle . . or put a red border around it . . . or some- thing. I am very happy to hear that the magazine is returning to the campus. My fondest memories of school are tied in with the staff meetings, the printing problems, the thrill of getting out a good issue and all the horseplay in- volved. To me, the editing of the SHOWME was an education all in itself and the things I learned were very valuable in my later career. Oddly enough, my wife and I are slightly ashamed of some things we printed. They weren't really bad, but they showed a lack of imagination, I guess. It seems now that too much humor was based on the risque and the alcoholic activities. There was so much more all around us that could be satirized that I almost wish I could come back for an- other try at it. You never get a second chance at these things, though. Anyway, I wish you a hell of a lot of luck and a long life. Cordially, Mort Milton Caniff 537 South Mountain Road New City, Rockland County, N.Y. Dear editor, I was very pleased to have the good word about the revival of SHOWME next fall and to learn that you are interested in includ- ing greetings from MISS MIZ- ZOU in the first issue, October 15th. I note your deadline of Sep- tember 26th and will be happy to get something in the mail to you in good time. You didn't mention any size for the drawing . . . Will you drop me a note about this? Delighted to hear that you con- tinue to keep in such close touch with STEVE CANYON and com- pany. Cordially, Milton Caniff Dick Noel Hallmark Cards Kansas City, Mo. Dear editor, I'm certainly glad to hear that SHOWME is being reincarnated - a tradition like that shouldn't be allowed to die quite so easily. My years with the magazine seem a long time ago now, but I do recall that everyone involved with it managed to get a lot of laughs one way or another. I really don't know what ad- vice I could give you, as I rather studiously avoided having any- thing to do with the more prac- tical aspects of getting it printed - other than attempting to ab- scond with the funds every month or so. However, I do be- lieve that there's a place for a humor magazine on nearly every campus in the country, and if you really put a little sweat into it - especially at the beginning - you ought to succeed. Gener- ally speaking, students are a pretty fickle lot (I was one my- self for almost six years), but once you get them on your side they'll back you up right down the line. One thing you ought to go easy on, I think, is "sick" humor. Back Turn to Page 9 SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Ernie's Steak House HUNT'S PRESCRIPTION DRUG STORE INC. Editor's Ego What a lousy name for a col- umn. It really should be titled Editor's Complex, or even some more original pun, the writer having stayed in Columbia throughout the summer. But, like the advisors tell us (trusty over- seers that they are) this column is a staple in SHOWME - like chocolate-covered Easter bun- nies. So, here we are back.again, putting our egos to test, trying to figure out why Little Miss Muffet left her curds and whey, and watching the local merchants get buggy-eyed over the kiddies' money. Actually, some really exciting activities kept Columbians busy last summer. (I haven't written about my summer vacation since the second time I tried to make it through remedial English; the first time I wrote my initial pa- per on "Fleas in Morocco.") Any- way, Columbians amused them- selves with quiet games in their summer leisure; they read the stock exchange quotations at breakfast, the wheat futures at noon, and old copies of SHOW- ME before they went to bed. During the rest of the day, they watched 1950's reruns on tele- vision, and drank beer at the I.V., and drank beer at the I.V., and drank beer at the I.V. City employes walked out on their annual strike so they could relax at home and think of new ways to con the students out of paltry dimes. (The writer didn't get the latter information first- hand. It took the assistance of two eyes and two ears around city hall to figure they were dreaming up some new shaft-the- student plan. At least the dream- 4 ing sessions kept them so busy they couldn't find time to erect more parking meters around the campus.) On the other side of the hill, down University way, the stu- dents trudged to sticky class- rooms and spent their idle hours under the spacious shade of the Japanese trees so conveniently planted along the Med School mall. With so many students be- neath the trees almost all of the shade was gone. Of course, this can be explained by the fact that the trees are only 14 inches tall. The rest of the time was spent watching the world's most well- used time wasting device - that magic tube you watched when you were in high school, but have since given up as a nasty habit that clogs the intellectual pas- sage. Things haven't changed much on teevee for the last couple of years. The good boys win, the bad boys lose, and John Wayne fights his eternal war in a P-51 fighter or in a khaki uniform that never loses its crease. No wonder that guy never gets hurt, his uni- form must be made of cast iron! He's crawled across the sands of Iwo Jima a dozen times and been through Guadalcanal more times than Missouri's lost to Oklahoma and still he comes out with mili- tary creases in his shirt. But, things are going to change. One of these days Uncle John's going to have a middle-aged spread, then he'll have to have that damned outfit replaced to cover his pooch. You can bet he has a dull love life at home. It's probably an awful bore making love on a Beauty Rest mattress after a day on the sets. Can you imagine John Wayne making love with- out bombs bursting in air and machine gun bullets ricocheting off his partner's maiden form? On well, we can still pray for that fateful day when a pyro- techniques expert plants a hy- drogen bomb in his pilot's helmet and blows that silly grin off his face. Speaking of Hollywood per- sonalities and the people on the magic tube and all, one of show- time's very best friends died the other day. He wasn't one of them guys that gets his mug plastered on the posters, and his name doesn't twinkle in little white lights on the marquis at the By Joe theatre: he was one of them little men that runs around on the back of the sets and in and out dressing rooms. He was a plastic surgeon. He died trying to hang himself. But, Hollywood gave him a good sendoff. Loret- ta Young, she was the one that was most grateful to him cause he'd done so much for her to make her look young and pretty and like a schoolgirl and all, she poured Tide over the grave. And Lawrence Welk bubbled his way through a couple of choruses of Loretta's favorite passages from Rhapsody in Blue, you know the one: duh duh duh du-uh duh duh duh du. Well, there's not much left; the news, weather and sports, anoth- er episode with Uncle John, and oh shay can youse see? Good night sweet ladies, good night Bill, good night Lou, good night. Good night. - W.D.A. Over in the Registrar's office they were busy compiling statis- tics about student religious pref- erences. They found the usual number of Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, and so on listed under "Church Preference." But a neatly lettered card filled in by an arch- itecture major really stopped them. His Church Preference was "Gothic." SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Showme Staff The Dim Picture J. J. Coupling Page 11 Off Campus Happiness Narvie Straunch Page 14 Chi Xi Page 18 Switch Now, Decide Later Sandy McMillan . Page 22 October Pinup ---- Page 24 The Gothic Tower .Page 29 Co-Editors-Marion Ellis and Dale Allen Art Director-Joe Jahraus Cartoon Editor-W. W. Overby Copy Editor-Ellen Welch Layout Editor-Pete Rozier Joke Editor-Ron Furgerson Exchange Editor-Gary Naes Business Manager-Dick James Advertising Manager-Sandy McMillan Circulation-Promotion Manager-Larry Fuller Production Manager--Charlie Doud Production Assistant--Judy Isaacs Cartoonists-Eric Johnson, Larry Bloyd, Al Ad- dington, Bob Ritenour, Mike Miner, William Zander, Mort Walker, Milt Caniff, Suzanne Grayson Writers--Mark Falcoff, Narvie Straunch, J. J. Pierce Advertising Salesmen-Diza Pepper, Dave Rawson Elaine Alberter, Paul Leath, Bill Crabtree, Murl Kelley Buisiness-Sandy Lantz Copy Reader-Pete Inserra Circulation-Promotion-Angel Cotter, sorority sales manager; Bob Irvin, fraternity sales manager; Ernie Erech, independent sales manager; Lin- da Neukomm, Bob Ingersoll, Ralph Herring, Carol Vest, Beth Hunter, Joe Diven. The Missouri Showme Is an official publi- cation of the student body of the Univer- sity of Missouri, published eight times dur- ing the school year (if we're lucky). Issue price thirty-five cents or $2.75 for an eight issue subscription. Address all correspondence to: Missouri Showme, Read Hall, Univ. of Mo., Columbia, Missouri. Un- solicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Ad rates furnished on request. National advertising representa- tives: College Magazines Corp., 405 Lexing- ton Ave., N.Y. 17, N.Y. Any material may be reprinted in whole or in part with the written permission of the editor. Printed by Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Missouri. 5 SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 When leaves start turning brown, And Happiness is abound, The time has drawn near, So drink that last beer, The lost SHOWME has been found. SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Around The Columns After considerable sweat, tears and blood - mixed with a dying hope and then a kindled flame, you may congratulate us for resus- citating ye olde SHOWME after al- most three years of being dormant. Banned in December, 1957, for using nude women in two ads, SHOWME once again has reared its ghostly (or ghastly) head. LONG, HOT SUMMER Verily 'twas a long, hot sum- mer filled with many memorable reminiscences for all and we have chigger bite scars to prove it. BORED FOR A DAY My grandmother (you may say what's his grandma got to do with Around the Columns) is sort of a TV fan. What I mean is she never takes her eyes off the filmed bub- ble-gum comics. Everything that comes on, she watches. I mean things like "Lassie," "The Brighter Day," "Chicken Feed Forum," and the quasi-live programs. But she has one favorite that she never misses c o n e disease, high water or tornado and that's "Queen for a Day." So, like a fool, I unsuspectingly sat down to watch a bit of Olympics reel and found myself engrossed in this artistic and enlightening bit of TV melodrama. The first woman didn't want much. She asked good ole Jack Bailey if she could have just a new home, new glass eye for all eight of her blind kids, a school bus to haul them to and from the sani- tarium, a home still to cut down on the old man's liquor bills, a new plastic heart for her mother and a skin graft for the kids' fa- vorite pet, a Gila monster called "Cuddles." Needless to say, she lost. I didn't stay for the end because I had to make a sudden date with the doc- SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 tor. But Grandma filled me in la- ter. A woman whose husband was named John won. Besides the mil- lions of dollars worth of electric can-openers, rabbit pellets, minia- ture stone deer, glass chicken eggs, and I don't know just what all, she won what she really wanted - a head for her John. It really tears me up to hear that the folks in ye towne of many columumumums will be unable to see the princely, priceless "Queen for a Day" any more since ABC took it over. NEWSPAPER GAME When you're in the newspaper game and going to school to im- prove yourself (preposterous) you hear a series of stock phrases (it's almost as if the persons addressing you all read the same tired jokes in Reader's Dig. or somewhere) that are directed at the "college kid." A few of these phrases are: "What are you going to do when you get out of school and go to work and learn something?" "Whenever they go up to that school they come back a lot worse off than they were before be- cause they think they know every- thing," What, are yon still going to school?" "Hasn't Uncle Sam got you yet?" "Haven't they flunked you out up there yet?" "You say you're go- ing to the University of Missouri. They haven't got much of a jour- nalism school up there, have they?" "I can remember the time when I almost flunked you in my algebra class." (This remark is usually heard from an old high school teacher of any,college stu- dent. The subjedt matter is not confined to algebra. It runs from geometry, bookkeeping, English, or history to underwater basket weavery.) "You damn college stu- dents are all alike. I've been in business 30 years and . . " And "now when I was in college at old Slippery Rock U . . ." TV JEEBEES You watch. Yeah, just you watch. You've seen moving bras, dancing bras, twirling bras and bras that are worn in the most unusual places. Now, just you keep on watching the idiot box and you will see, it's a promise, that's right - talking br a s. Probably some- time next year the insensible vidiot (he has to be insensible to keep watching some of those filmed comic books) will be talked right into going out and buying some new-type-hard-to-get-non-ride non-lslip-non-bulge-bra a nd by whom else but the bra. After all Kool-Aid talks, so do M & M's- why shouldn't bras? DIRTY WALLS? A nightclub in ye olde home towne of Joplin has solved at least one of those problems which con- stantly nags nightclubs - the management bought a large black- board and had it installed in the men's John. Oh yeah, they supply the chalk too. And if you don't like what's writ- ten there just use the eraser. You see some of the funniest things written there. One guy wanted to buy some chic- kens. He said he'd give a good price for them too. Don't ask me about the ladies' powder room, but it prob- ably wouldn't work because they tell me it's already covered with six mirrors and at least as many dressing tables. Think it over - there's no end to the possibilities. If they played it right and patent- ed the deal, they could make a mint. I don't think the pencil man- Tum to Page 8 7 Around The Columns. ufacturers would stand for it though. ROUTINE, BUDDY Ever been stopped in one of these "routine checks" the boys in blue with the gum-wrapper badges pull ever so often? Ever have the urge to really shake 'em up when they grunt, "Just a routine check, buddy"? One of these days I'm going to tell one of them, "Well, Clyde, you really hit it lucky 'cause I just robbed the First Na- tional Bank of Thomasville." But I'm afraid if I did tell one of THEM that, they'd lock me up just on GP and never let me out because they'd probably never find Thomasville and couldn't veri- fy it. My advice - don't try it unless you know the cop. STOLEN I'm getting pretty hacked off at people stealing SHOWME material. "Oh yeah," you may snort, but it's true. Take this bit from the Jack Paar Show. He leans over real sly-like to Hugh Frowns and says, "Pssst, fountain pens are coming back." Then, he pauses, straightens up and says, but still softly, "That's right, try one - they write smoothly and never skip. You'll really be surprised. They never recoil at embarrassing times, either." See what I mean, everybody copies SHOWME ma- terial. Yeah, we were going to use a piece on the comeback of the fountain pen, but Paar stole it. FOR SALE Actual headline in the Kansas City Star - QUEEN'S UNDIES GO ON SALE. The story mention- ed some forgot- ten unmention- ables of Queen Victoria's. Hmm, and I didn't even know the old girl went to college. NEW LANGUAGE I'm all for con- forming the Eng- lish language Shelley Berman- style. There's mouse and mice, louse and lice. Why not house and hice, circus and circi. There's da- tum and data and goose and geese. 8 How about one goof, two geef; one hoof, two heef; one roof, two reef. Get the idea? It'd sure play hell with textbook and dictionary pub- lishers. $ WELCOME BACK $ Yeah, welcome back happy stew- dents. And if you don't believe you're really welcome, just step into one of the Columbia shops. If the Columbia merchant doesn't about shake your hand off and kiss you almost all over, it's only be- cause you tell him you bought all your stuff at home- Then again they're pretty nice people, especi- ally if you want a check cashed or some other similar favor. M. A. E. Thanx . . . Mo Mule and the SHOWME staff would like to tip their hats to the Greeks for getting the first copy to you. Alpha Shi Omega, Alpha Delta Pi, Alpha Epsilon Phi, Alpha Gamma Delta, Aplha Phi, Chi Omega, Delta Delta Delta, Delta Gamma, Pi Beta Phi, and Sigma Delta Tau sohoities. Acacia, Alpha Gamma Rho, Alpha Gamma Sigma, Alpha Tau Omega, Beta Theta Pi, Delta Chi, Delta Sigma Phi, Delta Tau Delta Delta Upsilon, FarmHouse, Kappa Alpha, Kappa Sigma, Lambda Chi Alpha, Phi Delta Theta, Phi Gamma Delta, Phi Kappa Psi, Phi Kappa Theta, Phi Sigma Delta, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Sigma Alpha Mu, Sigma Chi, Sigma Nu, Sigma Phi Epsilon, Tau Kappa Epsilon, and Zeta Beta Tau fraternities. ALL RIGHT, IF THATS THE WAY IT'S GOT To BE WE'LL MAKE HIM POPE 1st SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Eds' Letters From Pag 2 when I was working for SHOW- ME this sort of stuff was fairly new, and - being new - it went over very well. However, it has now become rather common- place, and in order to put out a good product you should try to distinguish between really "sick" stuff - which is merely juvenile, and really good contemporary humor with a macabre twist - which is funny. Well, I'll get off my pedestal I do wish you luck and am look- ing forward to whatever results you might have next time I get down to Columbia. By the way, I've been working as an artist and writer for the Contemporary Design Dept. here at Hallmark for the last couple of years, so I'm keeping my hand in. Dick Noel Texas Ranger Student Magazine University of Texas Austin 12, Tex. Dear funny editor, We were glad to SHOWME is back in circulation again. When I got your letter, I looked through last year's poll to see what happened, that you didn't publish last year, but couldn't find a poll from you. Anyway, Happy Hairy hopes you have a good year, and hastens to wish you a Merry Michealmas. You are now back on our ex- change list, for what that's worth, but it is doubtful whether we can send you a copy of the Sep- tember issue,. for wonder of won- ders, we sold out. But the Oct. issue will be coming, God willing (and frankly, we don't think he is (oops, He) Just the other day we were over at his (oh no, His. This is ridiculous) office, and he was most upset about the Sept. issue (go back 8 words, capitalize He, do not pass go.) So discounting the evils of the world, such as deans and virgins, SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 may you breed a whole year of sin. Hugh Lowe, Associate Editor Thanks for the kind word hugh, er we mean Hugh. (Happy Hairy is the Ranger mascot, a hairy lit- tle beast.) Two fraternity boys were fumb- ling around trying to get into their apartment. Said one, "Say, you don't open the door with that; it's a cigar but." "Oh hell," said the other, "I've smoked my key." It is safer to use the underpass. Wholesale Keg Beer - We Deliver 9 " WELCOME BACK!" THE DIM PICTURE By J. J. Coupling II ANNOUNCER: From Memorial Field . . . to McAlester; from the power plant . . . to Dairy- lawn . . . all over the Campus, your ROTC stands ready to pro- tect you, the Missouri students, against better grades . . . This . is . . THE DIM PICTURE . a weekly television report to the University by the United States Army ROTC . . . And now, here to tell you part of THE DIM PICTURE is Sergeant Stewart Wayout. (Fade to Wayout) WAYOUT: No matter how much stress some of you rotten gold- bricking civilians think we put on ritual and formality, let me assure you that nothing inter- feres with the Army's primary mission of defense. Today, our first order of business will be to illustrate this. Let us sup- pose that Soviet missiles are picked up over the north pole. The President is quickly con- tacted and issues the order . . (Fade to Ike) PRESIDENT: Bring your units to push the missile buttons! (Fade to Wayout) WAYOUT: Next it goes to the Secretary of Defense. (Fade to Secretary) SECRETARY: Bring your units to push the missile buttons! (Fade to Wayout) WAYOUT: . . and so on, down through the Secretary of the Army, Area Commanders, Army Commanders, Corps Command- ers, Division Commanders, Bat- tle Group, Regiment, Company, Battalion and Battery leaders, until finally the squad leader says: (Fade to Squad Leader) SQUAD LEADER: Push the. (There is a crackle and the screen goes blank. After thirty seconds, Wayout reappears.) WAYOUT: Well, I guess the bomb beat us to it that time, but don't worry, this will never happen Trn to Page 12 11 Dim Picture. in a real war - except maybe if the President can't be reached, in which case the men at the ICBM bases will just sit and watch the mushroom clouds roll by . . . Now of course us guys down in Chowder Hall are more inter- ested in little things . . . like small arms training. Here we see Lt. Chickenfat helping out in Room 99F, where an MS-1 class is learning to disassemble and reassemble guns. Let's watch . . . (Fade to Room 99F) CHICKENFAT: Having trouble re- assembling your weapon? FROSH: 'Fraid so, Sir. CHICKENFAT: You sure have made a mess! FROSH: Have I, Sir? I guess I just don't understand the M-1. CHICKENFAT: M-l?!!! I told you at the beginning of class this was the improved type M-14. FROSH: Well, it's an M-1 now. (Fade back to Wayout) WAYOUT: Later on we try to teach the lunkheads we draw to shoot these broken down old guns at broken down old tar- gets in the sub-cellar of Chow- der Hall. Right now, MSgt. Rooster is instructing his men . (Fade to Rifle Range) ROOSTER: Ceeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssee Firing! Beetle, what in the hell are you firing at? BEETLE: The target, Sir. ROOSTER: Well, you sure ain't hitting anything! BEETLE: I must be, Sir. I'm get- ting perfect sight pictures. ROOSTER: Don't talk back to me, number four - move your sight up nine clicks and right four. BEETLE: But Sir, I'm number five. ROOSTER: Oh. . . Number four, where are you? You haven't hit a damn thing all day! BEETLE: He's absent, Sir. ROOSTER: Well, I guess that ac- counts for him not hitting any- thing. Now, put out your kneel- ing and standing targets and . . (Fade to Wayout) WAYOUT: We'd show you a por- tion of Military History Class, but unfortunately, Lt. Chicken- fat is in the process of telling his men about some of the more desirable "spoils of victory" in the Gilbert Islands campaign and after that he won't have much left to say except to re- peat for the fifth time why they don't like Mark Clark in Okla- homa. Now we get down to the part of ROTC we like best, our annual lawn part-. . . I mean Spring Parades. Yessir, it really does an Army man's soul good to see all those proud cadets out there . . . marching . . . saluting passing out from the heat . yes, the campus would not be complete without them. So, without further ado, here is . . . Spring Parade. (Fade to quadrangle. Various batteries are passing in re- view. Spectators are jeering them. Some throw garbage, others hold up "Keep Off the Grass" signs.) VOICES: Right turn, Haach, Left turn, Haach, Eyes Right, Reaady Front, Sieg Heil . . . Hay, who in the hell said that? (Camera focuses on bearded figures in fatigue uniform smoking a big Havana cigar) MAN: Sieg Heil; Viva Cuba! (Campus cops close in, drag him off) COP: Too bad the semester's al- most over, Fidel. (Fade to Wayout) WAYOUT: One more service pro- vided by your ROTC - wiping out campus subversives. Well, that about wraps it up for today, but don't forget; tune in again next week - or else. (Fade to screen credits, etc.) ANNOUNCER: You to can be a part of THE DIM PICTURE. You too can serve with this well equipped, well trained, well led drilling outfit. Come to think of it, you can pretty well bank on becoming part of THE DIM PICTURE if you come to this University. Gypsy Rose dressed very thin. Gypsy Rose sat on a pin. Gypsy Rose. AEPi: Why didn't I make 100 on my history exam? Prof: "You remember the ques- tion: 'Why did the pioneers go into the wilderness?" AEPi: Yes. Prof: Well your answer, while very interesting, was incorrect. Support Your Campus Have you heard about the rail- oad engineer who got up on the wrong side of the bed one morn- ing? The water for his shower was cold. His shoelace broke. At break- fast his toast burned. His car wouldn't start, so he had to take a taxi to the yards. By this time he was so late he jumped into the cab of his Super Chief an started right out on his run. He got the train up to ninety miles an hour and just as he swung around a curve, he looked up and saw an- other Super Chief coming straight at him at one hundred miles an hour - on the same track. He turned to his fireman and said, "Did you ever have one of those days when everything just goes wrong!" "How did you break your leg?" "Threw a cigarette in a manhole and stepped on it." "Hello. Is this Wasserman?" "Yes, it is." "Are you positive?" "nevermore, hell" The big frats didn't leave us much. Chest Showme Premiers Narvie Straunch's New Play Off-Campus Happiness or Landlady's Folly (A tragedy in 20 acts. That's the saddest part of it.) Scene: A mid Victorian, clap- board mansion on Cliff Edge Drive in a Mid-Western town. It is approved by the humane so- ciety for males enrolled in the University. The frayed curtain opens uncertainly on a drab hall- way on the second floor, reached by a sturdy, freshly-painted lad- der. We surprise Mrs. Gotrocks glancing casually through the keyhole of her star boarder, Fer- ret-Eye Fleegle. He suffers from a complex brought on by his cal- lous dismissal from nearby Stev- ens College for girls. (He had neglected to state his sex when he enrolled, not dreaming it was segregated.) (Fleegle surprises Mrs. Got- rocks as he flings open the door, knocking her to the floor. Doors must be bolted to foil marauding undie-hunters from the two local institutions, the School for the Rich and the School for the Proud.) FLEEGLE: Par'me Mrs. Got- rocks, I was just going to wash my head. Lice, you know. MRS. GOTROCKS: Never mind, I've already cleaned the head. I was just coming from there when I glanced casually through your keyhole. (Brushing Fleegle aside and striding daintily Have you rearranged your room again? I'm glad you're beginning to learn a little self-respect. You'd better or it's back to the YWCA with you - and I don't care if they do make fun of your under- wear there. (She flounces out of the cell. Fleegle stares in disbelief. He sags down on an orange crate; it collapses. Curtain, with frayed flounce, closes uncertainly-then collapses. The whole act is weak.) ACT IV (Acts II and III are lost during the interminable delay while cur- tain is repaired. Uncouth stage- hands get in hassle over picket lines in the meantime, and since nobody knows his lines, they all have a mean time.) Ugly Scene II: (Wintry morn, typical of Columbia. Fleegle, in a frenzy after trying all night to study with Mrs. G's TV blaring SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Ever-Eat Cafe Fountain's Standard through the late show, the very late show, and then into the early, early show and the later, early show, bounds madly down the stairs and out through the front door.) MRS. G.: (Yelling) Flee-e-gull! How many times I gotta tell you to open the door 'fore you go through it. FLEEGLE: (Spitting out splin- ters.) Yes, Mrs. Gotrocks. I'm sorry. But I was distraught - I wasn't myself. MRS. G.: Well, that's an im- provement. FLEEGLE: I mean - your teevee set. Do you have to play it so loud? The little two-foot square card on my door says noise must be kept- MRS. G.: Down. And that's where it's kept, down in my room. If you would learn to read instead of just signing anything that's stuck under your red, pul- py nose, you'd see that housing regulations apply to students, not to the landladies. Besides, I thought you kids slipped off to that old Shack to study. Turn to Page 19 The Novus Shop The Decline, Fall, , and Rebirth Jim's Paint Palette Max's Campus Snack CHI XI Trying to degrade the Greek system and drive the Uni- versity of Missouri to ruin, Chi Xi once again presents its news- letter in the night with the coming of a rat. For those who are innocent it doesn't make any difference - we'll smear you any- way. But when the Chi Xi council meets, it will judge innocence or guilt in a manner common to a pack of rats. PURPOSE Chi Xi has been formed for no particular reason, except that we have some secrets and just have to tell someone. We shall strive to expose the secrets of the secret Greek organiza- tions which expose the secrets of the Greeks. So there! We feel it is our duty to tell our secrets informing the stu- dents on matters which might not otherwise be in print. The fact that these secrets aren't important enough to get in print is not significant. We wish to stay a secret organization because we are afraid to come out in the open. That's why we are the rats. WE NOW REVEAL OUR REAL PURPOSE: TO EXPOSE PI CHI AND IOTA PI They said: lota Pi is in the proces of expanding to other campuses. Pi Chi has an effective alum- ni association. lota Pi is the only fraternity that drinks in its house. Our past semester's grade point average was 3.096. 100 per cent of our pledges were initiated. We sure can drink. Turn to Page 31 They meant: Next week we will distrib- ute our green (note color) sheets on the white campus. Three of our members have been kicked out of school and are vacationing in Jefferson City on a libel rap. We live in the I.V. On a 10-point system. The rest are dead. Three glasses of milk and a big tumbler of Donald Duck orange juice every morning. SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 "Sheriff, who was that masked man?" Next! SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Off-Campus Happiness From Page 15 (Fleegle trudges glumly off to a 6:40 class, his cup of bitterness runuthing over. It hurt pushing his girl out the window at the stroke of 11; it tortured him try- ing to read the campus newspa- per's illegible print by candle- light. But this was too much. There's nothing more frustrating than listening to, but not being able to see Ole Huck. As he lopes sheepishly along at a dog trot, hatred kennels in his breast. He passes a large mudhole, spits slovenly into it. A Kappa Alpha roars through the puddle in a racy sport's car. He's whistling Dixie, and a three- legged dog does the Charleston on the continental kit. The ill- fated Fleegle is drenched with cold, filthy, pregnant (or is it stagnent) water. He collapses slowly. The frayed curtain lurches uncertainly across the stage, and it too collapses. The audience claps and howls with glee. It howls and claps, and finally, it too collapses. The Bitter End Showme 'They say he's the fastest slide rule alive. " File "No, Millard, no, no, no . the zipper's on the other side. no, no, no." "Would you mind turning off the motor-you're gaining on me. YALE RECORD "He's dead. Some students will do anything to get out of ROTC." hed SHOWME Research Series Presents Switch Now, Decide Later First in a series of intensive studies on academic advice to students by Sandy McMillan, TNT, MTA, BSS, BS, ETC. Rewritten from accounts of Narvie Straunch, George Gallop and Dr. A. G. Goldsteam. So just because you've got a starched T-shirt and clean tennis shoes, you think you're ready to launch into your University ca- reer. Is that it, Freshman? Well, think again, because there is one more thing you'll need eventually - a major. Right now you probably think that isn't important because you've heard that most upper classmen have changed their majors at least once a year since they've been here for the last few decades. But, con- sider, with serious concentration right now you could probably or- ganize a schedule to get in four times as many majors as your predecessors. So, chug that bottle of Bubble down, kick your roomo and the rest of your Old Maid-playing bud- dies out into the hall, file your newly acquired handy-dandy M- 22 book and other such publications in the waste basket. Get into the best thinking position possible in the limited privacy of your homey little 20-story dorm and concen- trate on the info SHOWME has dug up about majors. We've found it better not to try switching between engineering and agriculture. There seems to be a deep rivalry between the two. The reason for this is that the "engies" horned in on one of the "aggies" field crop courses - clover. Who knows, next year they may take over alfalfa or corn. And after that - well, it would be best not to enter agriculture at all because by the time you are a senior they may not have any courses left. And we certainly wouldn't advise entering engineering. After all, anyone who swipes clover is just likely to get into a law suit and have to hock all his gum erasers, drawing boards and slide rules to hire a lawyer. Which brings us to a field which might prove promising - law. There's always the difficulty of pas- sing the bar exam, however, it's generally known that Mizzou stu- dents learn their way around a bar very quickly. And speaking of J-school (no one really was, but it's the really big attraction here and must be worked in somewhere when think- ing about majors) brings to mind the fact that many students are afraid to give it a whirl because of the boundless qualifications. Now the secret is out - you must have only one of two basic re- quirements - strong legs or your roommate's car. SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 One of these requirements is a must for the majority of the im- portant courses, such as: Paper Delivery I and II; Background, Underground and Sneaky Tech- niques of Advertising Selling; For- eign Correspondence with Field Trips to Harrisburg, Rocheport and Boonville. Of course, switching fields may prove too much for you who have IQ's below 60 or have a generous heart which yearns to spare the administration extra work. In either case, choose a field you know you can handle for several years and one where you won't be expected to be brilliantly un- determined and in constant desire of change. For example, there's psychology or creative writing, because people in these fields aren't expected to change majors or clothes or anything which leaves time for more important things - like learning your way around a bar so you can advise your friends who are temporarily majoring in law. We could give you much more information about majors, but we're certain that your major ad- visor is anxiously awaiting your next visit so he can expound on the many other fields you could choose. The student gets the magazine, The school gets the fame, The printer gets the money, The editor gets the blame. Three men were sitting on a park bench. The man in the mid- dle was sitting quietly, as though asleep. But the men on either side of him were going through the motions of fishing. With deadly seriousness, they would cast, jerk their lines gently, then wind imag- inary reels. This had been going on for some time when a police- man sauntered over, shook the man in the middle awake and de- manded: "Are these two nuts friends of yours?" "Yes, officer," said the man. "Well, get them out of here then." "Right away, officer," said the man, and began rowing vigorous- ly. Let's face it - there is a religious issue. SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 23 Mo Mule really threw off his blinders when he discovered this month's pinup beauty, Dusene Vunovich, a 19-year-old sophomore from Kansas City. A well-proportioned lass, Dusene repre- sented Missouri in the Miss America pageant this summer at Atlantic City. We don't see how she could have lost. Before the Miss Missouri title, Dusene was named Miss Kansas City and reigned as Miss Missouri of Perfect Posture in 1959. When SHOWME contacted her for the pinup possibility, the auburn-haired queen said she would be "honored." So are we. An avid music lover, Dusene sang and danced "Honey Bun" for her part in the talent contest at the Miss America pageant. A near-perfect 36-22-35, Dusene has blue eyes and is a petite 5-41/2. She lives at 604, Dorm A, but claims she has lots of studying to be done, boys, so hold the phone calls. Photos by Maurice Reece SHOWME'S Pinup for October Miss Missouri At one time I was a footloose intellect, a soul float- ing in ether, a beatnik, so to speak. I was unencum- bered by such bourgeois tools of learning as text- books, protractors, slide-rules, T-squares, bullfight posters, drinking mugs with the school seal, ad in- finitum. One day I split the pad and cut for the campi. I passed one building where sat an array of students on the steps, tanning their bald little knees in the sun, cheering their fellows on as they harrassed sports cars, dogs and faculty. I asked one of the cats if this was the coliseum. I translated the square's reply and realized that this was the famed Missouri Book Store of song and story, the Mythical Central Missouri Temple of Capitalism. Intrigued, I entered and was dazzled by their array of goods. I am now joyously happy in my conformity, cash- ing my checks, collecting rebate tabs, fingering pocket novels, basking on the steps, mailing poison pen letters at the Missouri Store and conversing superficially with sorority girls in the M-Bar. At my pad, I made the decision to again become a consumer. I made the metamorphosis - exchang- ing my turtle-neck sweater for a button-down col- lar, my rope soles for shoes, and purchasing my first pair of gray flannel BVD's, a PhiBK key and a Student Union fee. I have faded into the obscurity of the masses. God bless the Missouri Book Store. The Missouri Store Boone County National Bank "M-I-C - - - K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E" DAVIS CLEANERS- LAUNDRY Now here is a room we didn't show you during rush. SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 The Gothic Tower By Mark Falcoff October usually finds the new students' bubble yet unbroken, and if we on the SHOWME were not. such cads, we wouldn't puncture it just now. However, in the interests of ever-greater ac- curacy in freshman orientation, we present this month an apocryphal version of that old campus best- seller, the "M-Book." The M-Book, for those of you who managed the Herculean feat of not getting several during Ori- entation, is a little volume the University puts out to act as a guide for new students. We old Missourians generally refer to it as "Life as it never was and never will be at Old Mizzou." The first pages of ye freshman bible contain greetings from the members of the Administration. Last year Dr. Ellis' letter to new students, published in the Orien- tation pamphlet, began: " . . . As you enter the rather cosmopolitan atmosphere of the University . ." but this year it began, " . . . As you enter the rather scholarly atmosphere of the University . ." Does this connote a change in ad- ministrative policy? This question the M-Book does not answer. Greetings follow from the va- rious funcionarios of Jesse Hall, but these can be dispensed with on the theory that most of these individuals are adjudged to be but tools of the Men in the Shadows. One of these "Men in the Shad- ows" is rumored to be the Dean of Extra-Divisional Administration, whose office, they say, houses the Committee for Anti-Student Activ- ities. Here the lights burn late, and in the morning - down comes the axe! No sophomore cars, deferred rush, or perhaps a comment or two on how the Greek system's days are numbered. In Cuba the Dean of Extra-Divisional would be one of the first administrators the revolutionaries would take out and shoot. For the benefit of our less rational readers, let us ever bear in mind that this is not Cuba. At great length the entering freshman is told of the University's SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 many "services". We have, f'rin- stance, the Library Service. You see, we have many, many books. They are under lock and key. To get to them you go through what the Savitar yearbook - in a gross breach of responsible journalism- called "a brief orientation period." This brief, two-hour orientation period consists of a lecture rattled off in a monotone on the virtues of the Library of Congress system over the Dewey Decimal System of Classification. Freshmen will be prostrate with joy to learn that we are switching to the Library of Congress system. Sometimes the Librarian smothers in his own drool just thinking about the pend- ing change. It's just too much! Many other services are of- fered. The University Health Serv- ice is one. When you suffer sev- en broken ribs, cut two arteries, crack your skull and dislocate both shoulders, you simply dash over to the Student Health Center where you must wait your turn (don't shove!) to get to the window. Once there you must - I repeat you must - present your I.D. card. Then your file is pulled and you are asked to describe what, in a word, is your excuse for com- ing. Then you are seated. Some hours later they take your tem- perature. And if you are still alive by the time you are escorted into the doctor, you would probably prefer to be dead. Of course, the cultural aspects of campus life should not be ig- nored - although they sometimes are. We get cancellations of en- gagements from such top stars as Johanna Martzy, Johnny Mathis, Ray Coniff and many other top lights of the musical world. At this time it is impossible to say who will cancel out this year, as no dates have been promised yet. For the more gung-ho! we have oodles of organizations. And for the very virtuous we have Greek- letter "honoraries." The two most difficult to get into are Pi Xi and Chi Iota, mainly because nobody knows - or at least nobody is telling - who's in them. The pur- pose of these two organizations is widely divergent, however. Pi Xi's avowed objective, (as set forth in its yearly anonymous newsletter to students) is, among other things, to bring beer back to fraternity houses. Chi Iota is at- tempting to make secret fraterni- ties respectable by publishing their constitution, but the Admin- istration is still adamant. Another "secret club" is Chi Eta, whose avowed goals are anti-fraternity. They live and die to keep C. L. Holdren, who "they" elected MSA President "as an independ- ent," from going Greek. Good luck, friends! (Pi Xi, Chi Iota, et al., are not mentioned in the M- Book, and last year the Savitar was forbidden to mention them. These organizations are outlawed by the University; therefore they do not exist. Who said education is the search for truth?) If we really wanted to be like the Saturday Evening Post, whose columns carried a story about the state of Missouri several weeks ago, we would claim that M.U. is really four universities instead of one. But it's even more than four. In this brief space we may not have covered as much ground as the M-Book, but we're more frank about the ground we do cover. And for those who, after this little enlightenment session, still believe, well, doggone it, it does a sphomore's heart good to see that kind of faith placed in Old Missouri. Somebody has to play the game by the rules. It night as well be the freshmen. "Hey, what's the big idea, paint- ing your car red on one side and blue on the other?" "It's a. great idea. You should hear the witnesses contradicting themselves." Little Boy: "Why is it that cream costs more than milk?" Milkman: "Because it's harder for a cow to sit on the little bot- tles." 29 YOUR CAMPUS TOWNE MERCHANTS ARE READY TO SERVE YOUR EVERY NEED ON CONLEY ACROSS FROM JESSE HALL Chi Xi. From Page 18 OUR GOODIES (SECRETS) 1. An M.S.A. election will be held next March. People will run in it. Students will not vote. Later we can say we told you so. 2. The Maneater will probab- ly come out next Wednes- day. 3. On the other hand, may- be it won't. 4. We know that Pi Chi and lota Pi will use yellow and green paper for their next newsletters (rumored to be sometime next year or may- be the year after that.) 5. We know The Missourian is a weekly. 6. The SHOWME co-editors are not really gods. 7. Jesse Hall was named after a frater Chi Xi (Jesse James.) 8. We know who the home- coming queen is, but we're not telling until we find out when homecoming is. So, with these glorious words filled with hope for the average student, Chi Xi once again fades into the night, but we will have another big hunk of cheese for you soon. That is if the mean ol' cat doesn't catch us. "Anything wrong, madam?" "Yes, this spaghetti's too strin- gy." "Sorry, madam, would you mind trying it with your veil off?" It's so dry in Kansas, according to confidential reports, that trees are going to the dogs. The Yellow Cab Co. Hathman House See any signs of life? SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 Contributor's Page Dick James Don't let Dick James' sweet smile and easy-going attitude fool you - underneath, he's all busi- ness. That's the main reason he's SHOWME's business manager. There must be other reasons. He's from Des Moines, but that probably doesn't have much to do with it. He's a business wizard all right and right now he's promoting a scheme for an underground pas- sage from Hall G (that's where he gets his mail) to Johnson Hall (that's where he meets his fe- male - she's from Des Moines, too. NEXT MONTH - MEET NARVIE STRAUNCH When he's not scheming or working on SHOWME (there's a difference?) he works at a lo- cal photography studio and also takes pictures on his own. We tried to find out something else significant about Dick. He's 19 years old, a sophomore and a B & PA major. None of which is very significant, but we like him, anyway. Sandy McMillan "Who Needs Men?" - that's Sandy McMillan's motto and she's out to prove that she can hold her own in a man's world (she insists it is.) She's holding her own by: first, being SHOWME's advertising manager and second, planning a career as an officer in the Marine Corps (Gads, what next, female ROTC instructors?) When Sandy's not pushing ads, she'll be writing features for SHOWME and when she's not writing features, she'll be . . oh, well, she could study creative writing (she insists that's her ma- jor) if she expects to graduate this year. We tried to find out more about her, but she kept drop- ping hints that she doesn't want anyone to know more about her (Hmmm.) Oh, we did find out she was born in Atchison, Kansas, but we couldn't find out how long ago. What's the matter, Sandy, afraid some local liquor inspector might read this column? OUR COVER When we contacted Milt Caniff last summer for our "Welcome Back" SHOWME issue, he graciously consented - even when we mentioned the no retribu ion clause. We suggested something along the line of having Miss Mizzou welcoming back SHOWME. We feel that Mr. Caniff couldn't have made a better choice. MO MULE Also in this issue, you will notice a collegiate-type mule skittering throughout the pages. This is Mo Mule -SHOWME's new mascot. The staff feels that Mo captures the spirit of the University and the state more than Swami, the old mascot, did. There'll probably be some grumbling from the alumni, but as soon as they see how lovable ol' Mo can be, they'll change their minds. SHOWME and Mo Mule wish to take up part of this space to thank two great guys for their wholehearted concern with our welfare, Milton Caniff, the creator of Steve Canyon, and Mort Walker, creator of Beetle Bailey. Mr. Caniff and Mr. Walker took part of their time (which is undoubtedly more valuable than ours) to contribute two fine drawings for our October missive, and the only retribution they ask is a copy of the issue. You can bet they'll get them, too. 32 SHOWME, OCTOBER, 1960 VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE FOR MISS MIZZOU SIGMA DELTA CHI MISS MIZZOU CALENDARS ON SALE AT STUDENT UNION DESK, 8:30 A.M., 50 CENTS TODAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, AND THURSDAY Salem Cigarettes