Sweat The Man's Mag February, 1961Sweat The Man's Mag February, 196120081961/02image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show196102Sweat The Man's Mag February, 1961; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1961
All blank pages have been eliminated.
SWEAT (Perversion Diversion)
The Man's Mag 35 cents
You are sinking into the lawn of
the state historical society
"Flesh was torn from my body by
savage student union pigeons"
(see page 9)
A parody by the makers of
Hunt's Prescription Drug Store, Inc.
The Novus Shop
Editor-Marion Ellis -
Art Director-Joe Jahraus
Cartoon Editor-U. W. Overbey
Copy Editor-Ellen Welch
Joke Editor-Jim Morris
Advertising Manager-Sandy McMillan
Business Manager-Dick James
Asst. Business Manager-Bruce Smith
Production Manager-Charlie Doud
Production Assistant-Judy Isaacs
Asst. Art Director-Bob Ritenour
Subscription Manager-Dave Wright
Exchange Editor-Gerry Naes
Cartoonists-Eric Johnson, Al Addington, Bob
Gatewood, Matt Flynn, Ron Powers, Harvey
Writers-Narvie Straunch, Larry Roth, Etaoin
Shrdlu, J. J. Pierce, Pete Inserra, Mike Reagan,
Suzanne Grayson, Joe Abrams
Advertising Salesmen-Diza Pepper, Joe Heming
way, Sandra Rossman
Business Staff-Sandy Lantz, Lucia Williams
Circulation-Promotion-Carol Vest, sorority sales
manager; Bob Irvin, fraternity sales manager;
Erniee Urech, ' independent sales manager;
Ralph Herring, Dick Morrow, Jack Spratte, Al
Clawson, Jack Sandweiss, Bob Ingersoll
Missouri School of Mines: Terry Mills, editor
Ed Schwartz, features; J. J. Gianquintos, pro
motion-circulation; Robert Elliott, business man
The Missouri Showme is an official publica
tion of the student body of the University of
Missouri, published eight times during the school
year (if we're lucky),
Address all correspondence to: Missouri
Showme, Read Hall, Univ. of Mo., Columbia,
Missouri. Unsolicited manuscripts will not pe re-
turned unless accompanied by a self-addressed
stamped envelope. Ad rates furnished on resuest.
National advertising representatives: College
Magazines Corp., 405 Lexington Ave., New
York 17, N.Y.
Any material may be reprinted in whole or
in part with the written permission of the edi-
tor. Printed by Modern Litho-Print Co., Jeffer-
son City, Missouri.
The St. Pat's Board of Missouri School of Mines invites YOU to come on down and hang one on with us
St. Pat's '61
LIST OF EVENTS
12:30 p.m.-Beard Contest
1:00 p.m.-St. Pat's Parade
9 p.m. - 1 a.m.-Costume Ball
10 p.m.-Knighting Ceremony
12 - Fraternity Parties
Afternoon-Sammy Gardner-Emmet Carter-Chuck Tillman
will play on MSM campus
9 p.m. - 1 a.m.-Cora Ball
10 p.m.-Coronation Ceremony
12 a.m. - Fraternity Parties
Music at both dances by: Jimmy Cook
(Voted No. 1 Collegiate Dance Band in Country)
St. Pat's - 1961 - "I dreamed I went to Saint Pat's Ball in my "Made-in-the-form" Bra"
I "Tramp-Tramp- Tramped around the columns"
In my Maidonfarm Bra
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
by Cadet Lieutenant Major
Yeah, I was there. I was there the day the
Old Man came through-the dirty, stinking, grimy,
sweaty, lying, cheating, stealing, creeping, bitter.
underhanded, sidewinding day that was the Old
Man's most brilliant hour. Yeah. I was there all
right. I can look back now across the span of
time and remember it like it was yesterday. Part-
ly, I guess, because of the impact of the thing,
partly because of the bigness of the thing, but
mainly because it was yesterday that it happened,
Me? Call me Ringo. Spike Ringo. I hate that
name. Every time the platoon sergeant calls out
my name the boys all hit me with spikes. They
think it's an order. Some day I'm going to change
my name to Pay Ringo.
I remember that day. I was lounging around
the Army ROTC gunshed with the guys in my pla-
toon. It was a stinking, dirty gunshed. It was a
grimy, sweaty platoon. It was a scrounging loung-
ing. Times were tough.
We had been on this underhanded, bitter, for-
saken outpost for nearly ten minutes now, and
some of the guys were getting homesick. After a
semester and a half of Army ROTC I could tell
the signs pretty well. They were petitioning out
of the course.
"Quit petitioning out of the course and listen
for a. minute, grimy, sweating platoon," I said,
with an attempt at cheerfulness. "We won't be
out on this post long. Why, before you know it the
bell will ring and we'll be on our way to our next
class. How 'bout it whaddaya say there hey fel-
las there boy?" (I was trying to create a father
One of the rookies, a thin guy named Stanko-
lic jumped out of the mul puddle in which he
had been wallowing and stumbled over to where
I was crouched. "Ivehaddanoughathiscrudystinking-
stinkcrudcruddystinkstinkstink cruddystincrud!" he
slobbered through clenched teeth. Stan had seen
a lot of war movies, but wasn't too hot with the
dramatic line. He pulled a handful of demerit
slips from a grimy pocket and methodically choked
to death on them. I pretended not to notice. Stan
was troubled about something, and it was best to
let him work it out with himself.
A platoon sergeant came crawling up through
the darkness toward our grimy slobbering group.
I could smell trouble. "Hey!" he whispered. "Hey!"
he crawled a little closer and I could see he had
a slide rule wound in the left hip. "Hey!" he said
again. "Spike Ringo!" Fifteen spikes hit me at
once, adding an aura of matted blood to the al-
ready grimy scene. I decided I had been right
about smelling trouble. "Forgot to say 'May I',
fellows," I quipped, deciding a little homespun
humor would help the situation. I nonchalantly
kicked Stan's body into a manhole (bad for morale)
and said "Ringo over here." A fat lady came over,
checked my card, and handed me 75 cents. "I said,
'Ringo', not 'Bingo'," I said. I later wished I hadn't.
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
"Old Man wants to see you, Ringo," winced
the sergeant. :'Say it's important. Says - Ulllllch."
He dropped his face in the realistic muck.
As I splashed through the night mire and
grime to the Old Man's quarters, many questions
flashed through my mind. Why would the Old Man
want to see me? Why would it be important? Why
would he want to say 'Ulllllllch???'
"Ulllllch," said the Old Man as I staggered
sweatily through the bullet-riddled door to the
ROTC officer's quarters. "I have an upset stomach,
pain of neuritis, neuralgia. Tension is putting
nerves on edge. I feel dull, depressed."
"Have you tried Bufferin?" I asked, pulling
a bottle from my torn shirt. I broke it on an old
portrait of General J. J. Pierce and amputated
his stomach with one of the pieces. "That should
take care of your upset stomach, Sir," I said bright-
"I feel better already," said the Old Man,
smiling. Two small veins in his cheeks popped.
It was his first smile in thirteen years. "A man
lets the years creep up on a man," he observed.
"You must be Ringo," he continued. "Spike Rin-
"Right, Sir," I replied, removing several
spikes from the small of my back. (At least they
were laying off with the head business.)
The Old Man looked at me. I could see the
tension in his eyes. The lines in his government-
approved face were drawn tight. Unable to resist
the impulse, I reached over and played a few bars
from "Madame Butterfly" on the tightly-drawn
wrinkles around his eyes. I thought he would take
offense, but he merely said, "I'm proud to know
that some of my men got a little culture in 'em."
He wiped his hand on his mouth (in case some-
body wanted to make a movie out of this particu-
lar episode it would be a fitting gesture) and
crawled on his stomach over to a large wall map.
(The enemy was everywhere in those days.)
"You are doubtless familiar with the terrain,
Ringo," he said, in the cool, icy tones that reminded
a man of a troubled radiator, pointed to the map
of the world with his map-of-the-world-pointing-
to stick. (He didn't have a map of the campus
available, but copyright laws demand at least one
map scene in every war story.)
"The problem is this," he continued. "The
Imperial Administration of the University of Mis-
souri has deliberately and without warning gone
an hauled off and cancelled the Military Ball!"
(I was shocked. My elbow was in the open socket.
I pulled my elbow out and some of the shock began
to disappear.) I said, numbly, "You ought to do
something about that open socket."
"I intend to do something, Ringo," he said
fiercely. "I intend to send a task force to Jesse
Hall - that's about here on the map - and force
them into an Unconditional surrender of Rockwall
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Gym. We need men - brave, sweaty, grimy, hairy,
bloody, stinking, crawling, tough men, Ringo, and
I'm asking you to lead them. It will take a lot of
grime and sweat and blood and stuff like that,
but I think you can do it. If you can, it will be
my most brilliant Hour."
I pondered this a moment. "Most authorities,"
I said thoughtfully, "recommend a periodic inspec-
tion of the household to guard against such dan-
gers as open sockets. It cuts down on fires, too."
"You'll leave early in the morning," said the
Old Man. "You'll be excused from drill. Take
plenty of food. Greasy food. Be sure to do a lot
of crawling around and sumbling and grimacing
and looking through binoculars. You got all that?"
I looked him in the eye, my voice filled with
emotion. "Overloading sockets can also be a cause
of home fires," I said.
I turned and opened the door. My sweating
eyes looked out over the still post, the mud wav-
ing in the cooling February breeze. Somehow I
knew things were going to work out all right. You
know - you get those feelings. Yeah - things
were going to work out all right. Yep. The Old
Man had just stuck his finger in the open socket.
It was his most brilliant hour.
* No crowded terminals
* No uncomfortable seat belts
* No annoying, beautiful hostesses
* No time consuming safety inspections
* No complicated schedules
* Endorsed by Will Rogers, Carol Lombard,
Contact Hill-Billy Airline
RFD 5 Pine Cone, Mo.
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Flesh was torn from
My Body By Savage,
As Told to Tommie Woolf
It was high noon. The heat was
unbearable. The ominous sound of
bells pounded in my ears. I asked
myself why had I, Valerina Volup-
tuous, volunteered as a USO per-
former to keep the expedition
members happy on this dangerous
trek into savage flesh-eating pig-
eon country? Oh, foolish, foolish
one, I cried.
The expedition halted, Dr.
Hughes, the leader, approaches me
now. "Valerina, my dear," he leers,
"and, how are you taking the
heat?" he brethes.
My body pulsated nervously, my
heart pounding wildly as I replied
haltingly, "You need a MAN'S de-
I felt badly about repulsing the
professor's advances after all he
wasn't such a bad guy. If only he
would learn that I'm not gullible
enough to believe his story that I
should give my body to science.
There's Harlan Hormoe now
feeding the giant pack cockroaches
that we captured in the Underpass
country and tamed. What a man.
If only he knew how I want him,
need him, hunger for him. Here
he comes now. Play it cool, Val,
and watch the sparks of lust kin-
dle in his eyes.
I leaned back on the crusty
rock, my thin blouse straining
with downy-soft burdens, my right
leg bent into an alluring position,
as my short skirt struggled to stay
Harlan said, "It's about dinner
time, Miss Voluptuous. What'll you
have salt pork and beans or beans
and salt pork." He looked tired as
SHOWME. FEBRUARY, 1961
he asked himself constantly, "What
kind of a jerk are you to try to
take this expedition through sav-
age flesh-eating pigeon country?"
I shifted my right hip with a las-
civious twitch - What a man!
I'll bet he wishes he could know
me better. See how his eyes spar-
kle as he looks appreciatingly at
the profile of my made-in-form.
Harlan thinks, "She's 35 if she's
a day. What a pig. The native
cook's got more sex appeal."
"Harlan," I said.
"Yes, Miss Voluptuous."
"Don't call me Miss Voluptuous.
My name is Val."
"Probably for Prince Valiant,"
"Okay, Miss Voluptuous," he re-
plied aloud. "You'd better put
some good clothes on for tonight.
It's formal and there ain't much
left of that shirt you got on." So,
with these kind, loving words he
We were getting closer to sav-
age flesh-eating pigeon country. I
was reaching a crisis. The heat was
unbearable and I was running out
of cologne. I sent a native boy out
for some. After all it was only 450
miles to the nearest drugstore.
Suddenly, I heard savage cries
above me. I had wandered away
from the main party. The sky was
black with beating wings. Was it
the savage flesh-eating pigeons?
No, it was only giant wasps car-
rying captured elephants back to
Then suddenly, Harlan was at
my side. His strong sun-bronzed
arms encircled my narrow waist.
His hot lips searched for my
mouth, skampered down my neck
and I tried to control the heat of
impending lust. I had been wait-
ing a long time at at last we were
alone and he wanted me. My
breasts heaved with passion as he
his search hands sought and found
willing consent. "Harlan what
made you wait so long," I panted
"It was that damned cologne you
use," he spat. "Gawd, what a
Later, as I stepped out of my
bath onto the grass I thought -
how soft jungle foliage is.
I had just stepped out of my
portable shower and my body
shimmered alluringly. The native
boy's eyes shone with lust. I met
his lustful stare coldly and draped
a towel over my body. He kept on
staring and broke into a wide
knowing smile - mainly because
the towel had a big hole in the
middle. I grabbed another towel
and snatched the cologne he had
brought from his hand. He turned
to depart. "What a minute, Whip,"
I called "What's with you any-
way. You know I don't use this
brand. Get me Allure, you idiot,"
and I flung the bottle at him.
(I see no practical value in con-
tinuing this story per se since the
rest is just about sex and lust
and all that mushy stuff with lurid
descriptions of body contact, which,
of course, no one is interested in:
The Editor. Oh, yes, the pigeons
are never seen. They were elusive
little devils and the expedition was
a miserable flop.)
I Was Trapped
Hall by a
By Norm DePlume
"Then I realized that I was trapped -
boxed in! I had come in through the only door
to the laundry room, and a horde of hysteri-
cal females was about to come bursting
through it. Where could I hide? No big waste
cans, no closets, and the dryers just weren't
my size . . ."
It all started that night when I went to John-
ston Hall to pick up Eldora for the St. Vitus' Day
Dance. I was no later than usual, and after buz-
zing her room I wandered up the East Corridor -
or maybe it was the West Corridor, I'm not sure
which - and sat down in a comfortable lounge
chair to wait. Eldora was later than usual. I must
confess that I dozed off over a copy of Maneater
that had been decomposing on the coffee table;
I was aroused shortly by an animated conversa-
tion coming from around a corner, and, assuming
that my date was on her way, I tried to clear my
foggy brain as I walked up the hall to meet her.
Approaching the feminine voices, I caught a bit
of the conversation.
"Whatver happened to old Alfred?"
"You mean the night watchman? He got fired
last week when they caught him sleeping in his
little room with . . .all the doors unlocked."
Suddenly I saw the two girls. Neither one was
Eldora.- They broke off their chatter in mid-sen-
tence and stared at me as if I were a man from
Mars. All at once I realized blushingly that I had
wandered too far. I tried to talk my way out.
"Is Eldora Phlugg . . uh . . . er . . . coming?"
The girls were still staring, but their gazes had
turned from surprise to a look that I hadn't seen
since Dr. Daniels' class in Elementary Hypnotism
The girls came toward me with an almost fluid
movement. I found myself powerless to resist as
one took each arm and led me up four flights of
stairs. Even now I can recall only vaguely what
they said in voices that seemed to come from a
thousand miles away as we climbed step after
"Resistence is useless. You must do as we tell
"Your date for tonight is off. You are the
chosen one to be the annual sacrifice to our god-
dess of romance."
"You will spend this evening with our ack-
nowledged leader, who never allows any boy
to speak of love to her except on this special night."
By this time we were walking down a cor-
ridor on the top floor of Johnston Hall. Girls
were standing at attention on both sides with
glazed eyes and blank expressions. We stopped
beside an unnumbered door which swung open as
if by magic. There she was, the goddess of ro-
mance: quivvering with emotion as she sat in
the midst of her beautiful attendants, the most
repulsive old housemother I've ever
seen. She was dressed i na queer purple dress
with a big imitation flower at the throat. Her hair
was bleached a murky yellow and her face re-
sembled a relief map of the Hink. All in all, she
looked like a cross between a Harpy and one of
the little old women that sit behind the desks in
the Stephens dorm lobbies. She gave orders to
various girls through a pudgy redhead whom I
recognized as a celebrated make-out, and whom
she addressed as "Honey" or just plain "Hon."
Suddenly it came to me who these two characters
were: the notorious "Mother Crater" and "Fats
Blasterson, the Fastest Hon in the West Center."
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Coming to my senses, I broke away from my
two guards and ran down the hall with at least a
hundred shrieking girls at my heels, and Mother
Crater's cracked baritone audible above the whole
din yelling, "Bring him back - alive!"
I was gaining steadily on the mob, but the
end of the hall was rapidly approaching. Flying
through a door without a second thought, I found
myself in the laundry room. Two girls, evidently
unaware of the attempted sacrifice to the love-
starved housemother, were so shocked by my en-
trance that they dropped their wash bundles and
ran. Their clothes were strewn across the floor
blouses, socks, and a couple of Playtex . .
. rubber gloves that kept them from getting
dishpan hands. All this I took in at a glance as
my heartbeat increased with the approaching foot-
Then I realized that I was trapped - boxed
in! I had come in through the only door to the
laundry room, and a horde of hysterical females
were about to come bursting through it. Where
could I hide? No big waste cans, no closets, and
the dryers just weren't my size. I sprang for the
window and inched my way down a narrow out-
side ledge, just as the mob rushed in, pushing and
clawing and not even hesitating as they exposed
their . . . fanaticism.
When the frenzied females realized that I was
not in the room, they stopped in their tracks. Mo-
ther Crater was a little slow getting there - I
think she was having strap trouble - but when
she arrived, she once again put the girls into fran-
tic motion. First she called for an APB (All Pos-
sible Barriers) to be set up, including stakeouts
of the girls and their boyfriends at each door.
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
When I heard this, I broke out into a cold sweat-
after all, the temperature outside was three be-
After everyone had left, I knew my time to
act had come. I knew because my fingers were
getting numb and it looked like a long drop to
Some time later I peeked cautiously through
the laundry room door. I didn't know whether I'd
been recognized or not in the uniform and the
toupee that the man posing as a maid had worn.
Only one person was in the hall - Mrs. Twitcher,
the assistant housemother, who was talking on
the telephone. Getting what I thought looked like
a virginal . . . expression on my face, I boldly
walked right past her. I heard what she was say-
ing, and knew that she would be too engrossed to
"Darling, the girls have to be in at 12:30 to-
night. Come over about quarter to one, and we'll
have the whole front porch to ourselves!"
I found out later that the man on the other
end of the phone was a campus cop.
From there on, getting out was easy. Scrub
pail in hand, I walked out the front door and up
Hitt Street to my dorm. As I climbed the stairs
to my room, still in disguise, a personnel assistant
reminded me to call out, "Woman on the floor!"
So that's my story. I've been graduated now,
but I've never told, about my harrowing experi-
ence for two reasons. First, nobody'd pay me, and
second, I couldn't help wondering what unsuspect-
ing boy would be this year's sacrifice to the god-
dess of romance . . .
The Sweat Shopper
Earn up to $33.17 per hour raising
anchovies. No mess, no bother,
care for these adorable little deni-
zens of the deep in your spare
time. We'll show you how! Write
for free booklet right away!
BOX GYP, ROBBERLY, N.Y.
Do you want to look virile in a
bathing suit? Impress the girls?
Just try a bottle of DERMIFUZZ
OIL for two weeks, and see the
amazing results. DERMIFUZZ will
put a luxurious growth of thick,
dark, manly hair on your chest!
Discovered as a cure for baldness,
now comes in latest Parisian scents
to give you enduring masculinity.
NEVER FINISHED HIGH
Need a diploma to get a better
job, more pay? The American In-
stitute of Secondary Institutions
can help you. Send for the free
booklet that will change your life!
With our new, no study method,
diplomas are not reserved for the
brainy minority. Order yours now
with this hand order form.
Please send the following
items which I have checked.
Diploma . $10.00
Cum Laude Diploma 15.00
Diploma . .25.00
(name printed in gold, 50c
extra) Also enclose free hon-
or society pin catalogue.
Signed (X will suffice), .
TIRED? BORED WITH THE
SAME OLD JOB, DAY
Take the special course now of-
fered. Learn to be a University
registration official. Give me 3
minutes of your time each day and
I can make you a rich man. You
need no education whatsoever. As
a matter of fact, if you've got any
education, you'll probably fail the
course. Send only $350, your name,
address and sex and favorite song
to Money Mad, 1200 University
WANTED! FRIENDLY LITTLE
GIRL TO CALL MY OWN
If you have a little girl you'd like
to have adopted into a nice, rich
home, contact H. Humbert, 1201
Sweetness Lane, Incest, Mo.
GIRLS!!! STOP WORRYING!
You too can have a normal happy
life and all the good things that
go with it. How? It's easy just let
us handle your every whim. The
requirements are very easy to
meet. Send only $1,002 plus taxes
and pedigree to STEE VINS Col-
letch, Columbia, Mo.
HEART WE HAVE GOOD
NEWS FOR YOU
If you want to meet nice, friendly
good-looking males or females we
have just the thing for you. Drop
in and see about our easy lay-
away plan. Send card or letter to
Student Onion, Columbia, Mo.
GO BLOODHOUND BUS LINES
"It's such a pleasure to take the
bus and leave the cussing to Gus"
(Gus is our only driver). Trips
daily to Rolla, St. Louis, and scenic
DON'T BE UNPOPULAR! LEARN
TO DANCE THE NEW STEPHENS
Just send your name, address,
measurements, and $20 worth of
due bills to Arthur Murray's Dunce
Book, Read Hall, and in no time
you'll be faking your partner out
all over the place. Learn our new
"mystery step!" Easy to follow
*Otherwise known as the "Excuse
New Chloroxematyphillic Anes-
thetic Ointment eliminates the
pain of pimple popping. Don't be
left out! Join the big squeeze and
enjoy America's No. 1 indoor sport
painlessly! Only $2.98, at cheap
drug stores everywhere.
IS YOUR WIFE GETTING THE
Are you still the active and en-
ergetic man she married? Are you
still a tiger in the boudoir?
Or are you always too tired
when you come home from a day's
work? Too worn out to go danc-
ing, to visit friends or to please
If these symptoms sound famil-
iar, we can help you.
Our company, after years of re-
search, has developed a wonder-
ful new tablet which will give you
quick energy in minutes.
S-E-X tablets give you a lift
when you need it most because
S-E-X tablets contain EXPECTO-
RATE - the world's most famous
Here's how S-E-X tablets work
- the active ingredients are pre-
pared by a special process that
releases the EXPECTORATE in
your system almost immediately
to give you a quick burst of men-
tal and physical stimulation. Your
tired feeling vanishes and you feel
refreshed, renewed - ready for
anything, well practically any-
Enclose $5.98 and write to:
15 Mulholland Drive
Stare at this figure . . . relax.
you are drowsy, very drowsy .
your eyelids are heavy . . . sleep
. . . sleep . . . you are my slave
. . . you want to learn to hypno-
tize your instructors, seduce girls,
etc . . . place one dollar in an
envelope and send it to 302 Read
Hall. in return, you will receive
the book, "Hypnotism, Just for the
Hell of it".
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
They Made Me
Eat My Wife
by Pierce Spencer
I can't help shivering as I sit
here thinking about it. I am shiv-
ering because the radiator in my
room doesn't work. Maybe if I
bang on it the damn landlord will
send up some heat.
But I must tell you the shock-
ing, nauseating story, whether you
will believe it or not. I owe it to
myself; I owe it to her, and main-
ly, I'm not getting paid to write
about the landlord.
We were flying together in a
small plane over the jungles of
New Guinea. Unless it was French
Guiana. Then again it might have
been Funkhouser, Illinois; I don't
remember exactly. Anyway, there
she was. From her firm, well
rounded . . . lips to her shapely
. ankles she was all woman. Of
course, she was as ugly as hell,
but she was all woman. We had
been married only three months
before. It was a shotgun marriage.
Frankly I'd rather have married
the shotgun, but that's the way
the ax bounces. As we started on
our honeymoon, we had been giv-
en an enthusiastic sendoff, with
pitchforks and rocks. And for
three months we were indescrib-
ably happy, mainly because she
missed the freight train in Axolot-
ville and we didn't see each other
for three months.
About an hour out from Port
Moresby (or Cayenne - it all de-
pends) we hit rough weather.
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Somehow I was sure we'd never
make it, but my wife wasn't scared.
After all, she said, I was decorated
in the Korean War (see Sweat,
Vol. 13, No. 15, August 1955 "The
Bloody Mess on the Floor was Me")
-by Mao-Tse-Tung himself.
By the time I had finished rem-
iniscing on how we had been re-
united - pulling a bank job in
Port. Moresby - which, incident-
ally, was why we were flying over
New Guinea (I think) in the first
place - it was clear that we'd
have to land and hole up some-
place until the storm was over.
Suddenly I spotted cultivated
fields. I was puzzled - cultivated
fields when Ezra Taft Benson had
emigrated here five years ago in
1962? Well, like I always say,
you learn something every day. I
still had to learn how to land the
plane we'd stolen. Somehow I made
it though - I don't know how,
and neither does the editor.
About five minutes after we
landed, our plane was surrounded
by natives. They wore rings in
their noses, had long spears, and
spoke Papuan with a Brooklyn ac-
cent. They gestured to us, and im-
mediately I knew they wanted us
to come with them. I knew this
because one of them was driving a
jeep that said "Follow Me" on the
back. So we followed them. We
realized that we must be nearing
a village, because another sign
tacked to a Eucalyptus tree said
"Welcome to Mopulu, cultural cap-
ital of Opala Country." It took a
while to get there, however, main-
ly because the natives lost their
way. I was told later they were
When we finally did get to the
village, we were immediately tak-
en to what we presumed was the
chief's hut, It turned out to be the
jail. It was cold and damp. As I
looked out at the guards, who
were well armed with spears and
clubs, I thought for a moment that
I should have brought my heater.
But on second thought, I realized
it wouldn't be enough, and I
couldn't have plugged it in any-
where anyway. I decided I might
as well get some sleep and worry
about the whole mess later.
I woke up suddenly. Then I
made a horrible discovery. My
cigarettes were gone. Also my
wife. Then I noticed a strange
smell. It was like Loeb Hall Tur-
key Casserole. While I was pon-
dering how Uhler could possibly
have gotten down here, one of my
guards gestered for me to come
In the middle of the village, a
group of about twenty natives sur-
rounded a fire -from which the
odor was coming. They were pas-
sing around a container of some
foul red liquid, and chanting some
religious song. As nearly as I can
remember, it started out "Kuul Aid,
Kuul Aid, Taists Grait. " Then
I saw what was cooking on the
fire . . . Guess Who . . . She had
been stripped naked (There, now
I've used the word you want to
see), and stuffed with Peppers,
Tomatoes, and Blunder Bread
(Helps Cannibals grow 12 ways).
And suddenly it dawned on me
why I had been brought out here.
I was to be their Guest of Honor.
I would be forced to eat my own
I sickened at the thought. If she
tasted as bad as she smelled, I was
really in for it.
One of the natives offered me
part of the leg. I shrunk back -
she had had a severe case of ath-
Then the natives pointed to me,
her, and the fire. His implication
was obvious, at least to me. Either
I ate the mess that was once my
wife, or I would be the next
course! I briefly considered calling
his bluff, as I would make a pret-
ty lousy meal myself, but decided
I better not press my luck.
I am thankful that I cannot re-
member how she tasted - my
memory gets worse with every
story I write for this magazine -
and I also don't remember how
I got back to the plane and man-
aged to make it to Hollandia. It
is useless to protest to the authori-
ties in Port Moresby - since my
wife has already been eaten the
whole thing is an internal affair.
I have since married again, this
time, fortunately, to a girl who
looks like Brigitte Bardot. Tomor-
row I leave for Stanleyville.
(See next month's action story
-WE WERE HELD HOSTAGE
BY MOBUTU'S TROOPS)
A Guide To
by Ean Grayson
Men, hunting season is over, but
as any rugged, red-blooded man
knows, there is nothing more rug-
ged and red-blooded than sitting
around a roaring fire (which you,
of course, built, you quivering mass
of biceps, you) reliving the unfor-
gettably rugged, red-blooded hours
you spent with a duck call in your
strong, sinewy hands.
That's it - beat your hairy
chest and lapse into the nirvana of
fond memory; the glory of outdoor
living, the smell of woodsmoke
and rugged, unwashed bodies; the
sounds of icy, rushing waters and
anguished screams as the S.O.B.
who forgot the church key is
clubbed to death and flushed down
above-mentioned ice, rushing
streams; the ectasy of seeing, liv-
ing, feeling, running out of cigar-
ettes. . . O, revel, revel!
But before you leap to your
rugged, steady feet and bound to
your gun cabinet on your muscu-
lar, trunk-like legs, wipe the froth
off your mouth and listen a mo-
ment to Uncle Sweat. No need to
violate the Missouri Game Laws
and risk disbarrment from that fra-
ternity of healthy, robust-okay,
rugged he-men, who annually for-
sake their razor blades and under-
arm deodorant for the wilds of the
Missouri forests . . . Why not try
some hunting right in your own
The wilds of the University of
Missouri are a living game reserve
for the truly virile sportsman, pro-
ducing all sorts of challenging
prey. So, happy hunting, men, and
as they say in college, "Give 'em
A drab, pallid, sickly looking
specimen. This bird is rather dif-
ficult to distinguish from its sur-
roundings, being cleverly camou-
flaged in colors of its environ-
ment (coffe-spotted khaki through
a rather unhealthy green). Its nat-
ural habitat is from the M-Bar to
Andy's Corner, and all points be-
During the month of February
it customarily flies south to New
Orleans, usually in formations of
6-15 in one covey. Its call fluctu-
ates between an unpleasantly nasal
to a low, guttral "Letsgositinthe-
carforawhilebaby." Its mating hab-
its are virtually unknown though
suspected to be constant. Its diet
consists of Coca-Cola, cheeseburg-
ers, any alcoholic beverage, No-Doz,
fingernails, any alcoholic beverage,
juicy morsels of scandal, and any
alcoholic beverage. It is open sea-
son on this specimen all year
This bird has proven to be one
of the more popular victims among
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Missouri sportsmen, being eagerly
hunted from September through
June. Its natural habitat is any
dark, murky corner in any dark,
murky tavern. Its call can be des-
cribed as either a sadistic snicker
or a fiendish chuckle, sounding
something like "lemmeseeyerid-
Plumage is deceivingly nondes-
cript, with one brilliant metallic
flash of silver cleverly concealed
on the underside of its light tan
overskin. This bird is carnivorous,
feeding largely upon young and
tender 18 to 20 year-olds. Warn-
ing: This bird is known to be in-
herently stupid, it generally trav-
els in large packs and is difficult
Fortunately for the hunter, this
bird has the mentality of a mo-
ron, and is, therefore, quite easy
to shoot or run down with an auto-
mobile. It is unfailingly found hid-
ing behind a log in any type-1
parking lot. The ultimate extinc-
tion of these pests is fervently and
universally desired, so there is no
penalty or limit imposed.
Its call is an unintelligible in-
coherent babbling accompanied by
wild and uncoordinated gesturing
with its heavy, awkward wings.
Its plumage is a rather ugly
brown, much the hue of three-day
old mud. It feeds upon rules and
regulations set out for it by the
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Traffic Safety Office. Discourag-
ingly enough, this diet is unde-
niably healthy, as these birds seem
never to die, regardless of age or
This specimen's natural (and
seemingly only) habitat is Jesse
Hall, where it wanders aimlessly
about, clutching a dustpan in its
generally decrepit, battered wing.
Curiously enough, these birds ap-
parently do not hatch, but spring
full-grown from cobwebby corers
or wastecans on the first floor. We
regret to say its call cannot be
described, as no one can recall ever
hearing it make any sound other
than a peculiar swishing noise evi-
dentally emanating from the wood
and straw it carries.
Its mating habits seem to be non-
existent, reproduction evidently
occurring through some highly-de-
veloped form of cell-division. These
birds are relatively harmless, and
the preservation of such some-
times-functional feathered friends
is half-heartedly endorsed.
Please note these pages can be
easily clipped for permanent filing
in a handbook. With a few min-
utes of study, men, you will be
able to recognize these birds eas-
ily and then continue the chal-
lenging sport of hunting all year
Julie Raney Miss Mizzou
Ole January seemed considerably warmer when Julie Raney was chosen
"Miss Mizzou" for 1961 - and no wonder, the blond Chi Omega could warm
Our SHOWME PINUP scouts, who are ever on the alert, finally discov-
ered Julie (after she had been chosen Miss Mizzou) and here she is . . . and
if we must say so we like her better our way.
A shapely (35-23-35) junior in education from New Albany, Ind., Julie
makes a fine pinup in anybody's book - or on anybody's wall.
A 1960 escapee from Christian College, she favors the poodle cut -(er,
ah, so do we, Julie.)
In case you don't recognize the photo scenes, they were taken in Andy's,
Max's, the Shack and the Den. Remember, patronize our advertisers. By the
way, that's ole Max himself getting a token of appreciation from Julie.
Julie makes a
fine table orna-
ment in any bar.
A heck-of-a lot
better than beer
CC's loss was our
gain-and it looks like
a long end sweep for
My Hinkson, 'tis of thee,
Scene of frivolity,
Of thee we sing.
We love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills,
Thy moonlight nights and moon-
And other things.
(tune: Corey, Corey)
There's a green log shack on the
That's where my roommate dwells.
He spends his time a-washin'
In the 3-2 suds 'they sell.
Wake up, wake up, dear roommate,
What makes you sleep so hard?
Jack Matthews is a-comin'
He's gonna take your I.D. card!
Walking up Eighth Avenue
With a very prudent gent
We passed the Stein
This friend of mine
Said "Let's imbibe some five per
Poura mea beera,
Poura mea beera,
Poura mea, poura mea,
poura mea beera.
My grades were rapidly declining,
Mid-term flunking did I fear,
In hot water up to my neck,
Suddenly it changed to beer.
Let me tell you of the story of a
cat named Homer,
A tragedy second to none,
He went down to the Den, but
they wouldn't let him in,
'Cause he wasn't twenty-one.
Did he ever return? No, he never
To the place where he was
But he might get tight in the Vil-
lage or the Knight,
Where his age has never been
(Tune: When the Saints
Go Marching In)
Oh, when those drunks
Begin to fall,
Oh, when those drunks
Begin to fall,
I want to be in Andy's Corner,
Drinking ethyl alcohol.
(Tune: The Everglades)
She was born and raised around
The way she drank was a sheer
With a level head this teen-age
Can drink a full-grown man to
(Guzzlin' like a lush down at Max's
Where a guy can go, and have no
But drown his woe in a glass of
But he better not drink with that
Or he'll still be sober when his
"Where in hell have I seen you
"What part of hell are you
'Tis better to have loved a short
girl than never to have loved a
"May I have this dance?"
"I'm sorry, but I never dance
with a child," said she, with an
"Oh, a thousand pardons," he
sad. "I didn't know your condi-
Cop: "No parking. You can't loaf
Voice from the car: "Who's loaf-
A local distillery pays its over-
time workers time-and-a-fitth.
Me: It says here that in Cali-
fornia last year they grew 2,449,-
000 tons of grapes.
Him: Well, Drink up man. They
are gaining on us.
A professor is a man who tells
you how to solve the problems of
life he became a professor to avoid.
Everything is fine at school.
I'm getting lots of sleep and am
studying hard. Incidently, I'm en-
closing my fraternity bill.
Don't buy any more fraternities.
Three medical students were ex-
changing their opinions on what
each thought was the most impor-
tant part of the body.
The first said, "The most impor-
tant part of the body is the heart,
because without it one could not
live for long."
The second said, "No, the most
important part of the body is the
brain, because without it one
would be a mere vegetable."
The third said, "You are both
mistaken; the most important part
of the body is the navel, for with-
out it I would have no place to
put the salt when I eat hard-boiled
eggs in bed."
The old man patted his son's hand
reassuredly. "Don't carry on and
grieve so, my boy," he said. "I
want you to know that my will
leaves you everything - my coun-
try place, the cars, the yacht, and
all my money. You get everything
"Thanks, dad. You've always
been so good to me. Oh, if there
was only something I could do
for you to make you a little hap-
pier or more comfortable!"
The old man boosted himself up
on his elbow as the son bent close
to be sure he didn't miss a word.
"There is one thing you can do
for me son," gasped the old man,
"Take your foot off the oxygen
And then there was the man
who was so accustomed to having
things done for him that he went
out and married a widow with
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
(Antoine will answer any question that you lovelorn or
lovelost people got. If you aren't lovelost or lovelorn, write in
anyhow - he collects stamps.)
Dear Antoine: My husband is extremely jealous and flies
into fits ever time I even feed the baby. What harm is there
in feeding a baby? The doctor tells me breast feeding is very
healthy for him.-Tug-o-war.
Dear Tug: Breast feeding may be very healthy for the doc-
tor but how about the baby?
Dear Antoine: My son is a 313-pound Mongoloid idiot. I
am so ashamed I am thinking about putting him in a good school
for the deformed. Could you recommend one?-Xerxes.
Dear Xerxes: Try the University of Kansas. He'll feel right
Dear Antoine: I don't believe in God or heaven or grmma
or even Ben-Hur. So there.-Smug.
Dear Smug: I suppose you don't believe in girls, football
or graduation either.
Dear Antoine: I can't stop eating. I eat 18 times a day and
weigh about 500 pounds. I find it very difficult to get into my
bath tub.-Slim Silhouette.
Dear Slim: Stop taking baths.
Dear Antoine: I am so forgetful. I forget who I am, where
I am. I forget my name and I even forget to watch Huckleberry
Hound sometimes.-(This letter was unsigned.)
Dear Unsigned: How can I help you? You forgot to mail
the letter. Or maybe the mail man forgot to deliver it.
Dear Antoine: Ever since Christmas a man has been com-
ing down the chimney and getting into bed with me. He claims
he is Santa Claus delivering his presents. My problem is: I don't
believe in Santa Claus.-Skeptical.
Dear Skept: Where's your Christmas spirit?
Dear Antoine: I recently retired from a very lucrative po-
sition. Now I can't hadly spend a dime without the old lady
bitching at me.-D. Eisenhower.
Dear D.: Take up some form of recreation, perhaps golf.
Dear Antoine: I am so embarassed. When all us college
students gather round to shoot the bull, we invariably start
talking about The Columns. What are they, the columns, I mean?
Dear Atwitz: Don't you ever read the newspapers?
In the April issue of Esquire,
which we were reading because
somebody had stolen our latest is-
sue .of Playboy, we ran across an
article by Malcolm Muggeridge en-
titled, America Needs a Punch.
Well, we won't complain if he'll
buy the beef-steak for our eye.
A drunk stared at a homely pas-
senger on the bus. Finally he
blurted out: "My God, but you're
"I can't help the way I look,"
answered the woman.
The drunk looked at her for a
moment and then screamed, "Well,
at least you could stay home."
A small boy was leading a don-
key past the SAE house. The boys
attempted to have a little fun with
"Why do you hold on to your
brother so tight, sonny?"
' So he won't pledge SAE."
Grace: "You gotta hand it to
Marvin when it comes to petting."
Stella: "What's the matter with
him - too lazy?"
Where did ybu get that purple
stain on the back of your dress?"
"Oh, I got my thrill on Blue-
One of the freshmen took in
a strip-tease this vacation and next
day went to an oculist to have his
"After I left the show last night,"
he exclaimed, "my eyes were red
and sore and inflammed."
The doc looked him over,
thought a minute, and then re-
marked, "Try blinking your eyes
once or twice during the show -
you won't miss much."
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
The new dean of the theologi-
cal seminary was quite the tyrant.
One day a note was found pinned
to his door.
"Tomorrow will be Thursday,
if it's all right with you."
The wolf was too poor to buy
etchings, so he asked the girl
friend to come up and see the
handwriting on the wall.
Pi Phi: "I said some foolish
things to Robert last night."
Tri Delt: "Yes?"
Pi Phi: "That was one of them."
A philosophy major named Ruth
Discovered the secret of Truth:
First, from Kant take a part,
Then Thoreau, then Descartes,
Add bourbon, and top with ver-
"If I should attempt to kiss you,
what would you do?"
"I never meet an emergency until
"But if it should arise?"
"I'd meet it face to face."
Overheard in the UNION: "Shall
we have a friendly game of
"No, let's play bridge."
Prof: "A fool can ask more ques-
tions than a wise man can answer."
Student: "No wonder so many
of us flunk our exams."
Gas station attendant (pointing to
choke lever): You say your car
uses too much gas? Know what
this is for?
Woman (airily): Oh, that! I never
use it, so I keep it pulled out
to hang my handbag on.
"He drove straight to his goal,"
said the orator. "He looked nei-
ther to the right nor to the left,
but pressed forward, moved by
a definite purpose. Neither friend
nor foe could delay him nor turn
him from his course. All who
crossed his path did so at their
own peril. What would you call
such a man?"
"A damn taxi driver," shouted
someone from the audience.
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
I was like this one
year ago. I decided
it was time I
pestorer . .
Things were going
fine after two
months. I was
proposed to twice
and was offered to
do a T. V. commercial
After five months I
Looked like this - and
was offered a
Rock 'n Roll recording
contract. I had to
turn it down because
I couldn't play
Now things are out
of hand - my hair
won't stop growing -
I've lost all my
friends, my job, and
I'm losing weight
because I can't find
my mouth -
I WANT MY MONEY
YOU TOO CAN HAVE HAIR
Become Popular and lose weight.
USE GLOOPS HAIR RESTORER TODAY
SOLD IN MOST POPULAR STORES
( WHERE WE CAN GET BY WITH IT. )
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Mother: "Now remember, dear,
if you neck, smoke, and drink, men
will call you 'fast'."
Daughter: "Yeah, just as fast
as they can get to the phone."
Frat Man: "Tell me, love, did
any of the girls admire your en-
Sorority Girl: "They did more
than that. Two of them recognized
Judge: Officer, what makes you
think this gentleman is intoxi-
Officer: Well, Judge, I didn't
bother him when he staggered
down the street or when he fell flat
on his face, but when he put a
nickel in the mailbox, looked up
at the clock on the Presbyterian
Church and said, "My God, I've
lost 14 pounds!" I brought him in.
A Chicago undertaker signs all
his mail - "Eventually Yours."
A farmer who was suffering
from a terrible hangover went out
to the barn at 5 a.m. to start the
milking and the rest of his chores.
Said the first cow, "Brother, you
look terrible; the circles under
your eyes hang down to your
"Yeah, I know it, and I gotta
work at these durn chores 'till
7 o'clock tonight."
"Well, I'll do all I can to help,"
volunteered the cow. "You just
hang on tight and I'll jump up
Joe: "She's like an auto radi-
Moe: "How's that?"
Joe: "She'll freeze up on you
if you don't keep her filled with
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Engineer: "What's that gurgling
Coed: "It's me, trying to swal-
low your line."
When a fellow takes a girl in
his arms to dance these days he
soon knows what he's up against.
"So you want to be a lifeguard
here, eh? How tall are you?"
"Six feet, eight inches, sir."
"Can you swim?"
"No, but I can wade to beat
Circus actress: "This is my first
job. You better tell me how to
keep from making any mistakes."
Manager: "Well, girlie, just don't
undress in front of the bearded
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
A bird in the hand isn't worth
A very attractive young lady
breezed into the flower shop and
searched through the shelves for
the flower of her choice. Unable
to find it, she turned to the flor-
ist, an old man who was trimming
a plant in one corner of the shop.
"Do you have any passion pop-
py?" she asked.
"Sure do," he wheezed. "Just
wait until I get through pruning
Lifeguard (with girl in his arms):
Sir, I have just resuscitated your
Father: Then, by God, you'll
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
She: "Mother says I can't marry
He: "Why not?"
She: "You're too effeminate."
He: "Hell, compared to her I prob-
The best way to drive a baby
buggy is to tickle his feet.
Two little girls were busily dis-
cussing their families.
"Why does your grandmother
read the Bible so much?" asked
"I think," said the other little
girl, "that she's cramming for her
Nudists: People who wear one-
They wanted a formal wedding
so they painted the shotgun white.
1st electrician: "Have you any
four volt, two watt bulbs?"
2nd electrician: "For what?"
1st: "No, two."
2nd: "Two what?"
"Three cheers for home rule!"
roared an Irishman after a rous-
ing political rally.
"Three cheers for hell!" cynically
replied a Scotchman.
The Irishman looked him up and
down. "That's right; every man
should stick up for his own coun-
If all the coeds who don't neck
gathered in one room what would
we do with her?
A young Alabama Marine, after
fighting World War II in the Pa-
cific jungles, came back to his
Alabama plantation with a pet
monkey. He found that the mon-
key could pick cotton faster than
he could, so he went to the local
banker and asked for a loan with
which he could buy one hundred
monkeys and train them to pick
cotton at far lower cost than the
"No," said the banker, "It's far
too risky. As soon as you got your
monkeys trained, those damn Yan-
kees would come down here and
Fellow to blind date: "I don't
believe in reincarnation, but what
were you before you died?"
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
In another of its brilliant col-
lege expose's SWEAT visits the
University of Mizzery, the educa-
tional center of Boone County, Mo.
SWEAT, in its usual daring
handed, low brow, stinkin' sin cen-
ter open with an uncensored pic-
1. Administrational problems are
reviewed with the greatest of care.
Here the dean of students discusses
setting a legal age for soda pop
consumption with a liquor inspec-
2. The AWS fashion show each
fall really knocks the new stu-
3. The friendly Missouri Store
help the students.
4. The critical campus parking
problem also offer new social op-
5. Popular student musical pro-
grams are directed under the ba-
ton of friendly Maul Pontmureau.
6. The increasing number of stu-
dents has brought about a need for
7. The alert campus police care-
fully guarded the Phi Sig house
from vandalism recently when its
8. Each year more and more Ag
students in college are getting mar-
9. The Greek Ball is the social
highlight of the school year.
Ernie's Steak House
How To Have A Winning
By Jim Morris
1. Procure a nationally renowned
coach with a good record.
Coach: Spooky Starkup
Record: 1 tie, 200 losses
Cost: $1 000 profit - Jackson high
school paid Mizzou to take him.
2. Offer adequate scholarships.
Mizzou will buy the books of any athlete who can maintain a 3.75 grade av-
erage and who comes from a family with income of less than $3,000 per year.
3. Recruit the best and tallest high school players in the nation.
"You say he's 5'6"' tall and uses a
crutch? Fine, we'll take him."
4. Use up to date
"Dammit Gunner! I told you we don't
fast break while I'm coach."
She: "Can I have a match?"
He: "Here's a cigarette lighter."
She: "Don't be silly, I can't pick
my teeth with a cigarette lighter."
"Where ya from?"
"One of those jerk towns where
everybody goes out to meet the
Prejudice is a great time saver.
It enables you to form opinions
without having to get the facts.
We see where a new edition of
Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter is com-
ing out under the title, How Hes-
ter Won Her A.
After watching a drunk try to
unlock the door to his house with-
out success, a policeman went over
and asked if he might handle the
key for him.
"No thanksh," the drunk an-
swered. "I gotta good hold on dis
key. You try an' grab the housh."
An up-and-coming South Ameri-
can government decided to get new
uniforms. The official tailor was
called in and shown the design. It
included blue trousers, red boots,
a green jacket, and gold epaulets.
"Is this the uniform for the
President's palace guard?" inquir-
ed the tailor.
"No," said the officer, "it's for
the Secret Police."
Epitaph on old maid's tomb:
"Who says you can't take it with
If all the freshmen in the world
were placed in a line holding
hands, they would reach more than
halfway across the ocean.
A lot of people are in favor of
The dean of the law school was
very busy and rather cross. The
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
"Is this the city gas works?"
said a woman's soft voice.
"No madam," roared the Dean.
"This is the University Law De-
"Ah, I didn't miss it so far af-
ter all, did I?"
Three Frenchmen, while prac-
ticing their English, got around to
discussing the wife of a friend
who was childless.
"She is unbearable," said one.
"No, that's the wrong word. She
is inconceivable," said the second.
"No, no, you're both wrong,"
said the third. "What you mean is
she is impregnable."
"Hey, fellah, you want to pull
down the shades when you kiss
your wife. I saw you last night."
"The joke's on you; I wasn't
home last night."
A glow-worm with tendencies
Used to tell lewd jokes until
But he kept up his vice,
By the clever device,
Of learning to blink in Morse.
"I shore wish I had my wife
back," sighed the man from the
"Where is she?" asked a friend.
"Sold her for a jug of mountain
"I reckon you're beginning to
"Nope. I'm thirsty again."
Then there was the boy who
took his girl friend out in the fog
She: That girl's a virtuoso.
He: Don't be silly, she's been mar-
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
The difference between a North-
ern girl and a Southern girl is
that the Northern girl says, "You
can," while the Southern bell says.
"You all can."
Help raise the devil while you
live. You will meet him soon after
you die and those who are ac-
quainted with him will get the
Old blondes never fade. They
just die away.
He drank with lovely Mable,
The pace was fast and furious:
He crept beneath the table-
He wasn't drunk, just curious.
"Where does virgin wool come
"From sheep that can run the
"Aren't you getting tired of this
bachelor life all the time, Bill?"
asked his friend Jack.
"Certainly not," replied Bill.
"what was good enough for my
father is good enough for me."
The latest Martian gag going
around is concerned with the man
from Mars who landed in Las Ve-
gas and said, "Take me to the
Are you sure this motel is Uni-
Then there was the young mah
who started on a shoe-string and
worked his way up until he got
Bill: "I'm knee deep in love with
Jean: "I'll put you on my wad-
They're coming out with a new
type tranquilizer. It doesn't relax
you. It just makes you enjoy feel-
A wolf pulled into a local Lov-
ers' Lane one night and gunned
his gas pedal. His motor started
to knock, as he'd known it would.
"I wonder what that knock can
be?" he remarked to the sweet
young thing at his side.
"I'll tell you what it isn't," she
answered demurely. "It isn't op-
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
A pregnant woman went to see
a doctor and the doctor asked her
if she had a husband. The woman
replied that she didn't. Then the
doctor asked her if she had a boy-
friend and she said no. So the
doctor said excuse me while I
open the blinds, the last time this
happened a star rose in the East
and I don't want to miss it.
A woman stopped in a store that
had a sale on doggy bras and she
asked the clerk what they were.
The clerk replied that a doggy bra
was one that made pointers out of
The funny thing about foreign
cars is that the people who can
afford them usually can't fit into
Her mind was like a bachelor's
bed - never made up.
A lobbyist who was opposing
any large appropriation for a state
college approached a legislator
who boasted of his self-education.
"Do you realize," asked the port-
ly lobbyist gravely, "that up at the
state college men and women stu-
dents have to use the same curricu-
The legislator looked startled.
"And the boys and girls often
"No!" exclaimed the lawmaker.
The lobbyist came closer and
whispered, "And a young lady stu-
dent can be forced at any time to
show a male professor her thesis?"
The legislator shrank back in
"I won't vote 'em a damn cent!"
"My son doesn't drink, swear or
"And does he make his own
SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961
Savitar Sales Representative
BY JIM MORRIS
BB-1 STEPHENS SPECIAL
WEAR THIS ALL-IN-ONE
PANTY-HOSE AND WONDER;
"HOW DID HE KNOW I
WAS FROM STEPHENS?"
SIZES: LONG, LONGER
$6.98 BLACK ONLY.
THIS FOAM RUBBER
PADDED BRA TAKES OVER
WHERE NATURE LEFT OFF
EXCELLENT FOR SHAPING
UP PLEDGES. 3Z-36A
BLACK OR WHITE $5.00
WHEN YOUR BOY FRIEND
SEES YOU IN THIS HE
WILL. BELIEVE YOU
WHEN YOU SAY; "I'M
SORRY I TOOK SO
LONG DRESSING, BUT
I HAD TO SLOW DOWN
GOING AROUND THE
CURVES." SIZES 5,
M, L, IN BLACK
OR RED. $8.95
A-2 SPRING BREAK
GO WHERE THE
BOYS ARE IN THIS THIS IS
ITSY BITSY TEENY YOU.
POLKA DOT BIKINI.
WHEN YOU TAKE
THIS OFF HE WON'T
CARE WHERE THE
SIZES 32-38 $4.98
B-3 BARE THERE
ITS NATURAL . ITS
THE LIVING END. GRAND
FOR SHEATHS AND HINKING.
WHITE. SIZES 22 TO 30
INCH WAIST. $9.98
S-1 SORORITY SUE
THIS IS A MUST
FOR THAT TRULY
YOUR SORORITY NAME
WHERE YOUR BOY FRIEND
CAN MORE FULLY SEE
AND APPRECIATE IT.
MATCHING PANTIES IN
BLACK OR RED. S, M, L.
AA-3 SOUTIEN GORGE
YOUR OWN SWEET
CURVES TILTED HIGH
IN FRENCH HALF BRA.
FOR KAY, LINDA & JOAN
YOU ONLY NEED SUPPORT,
NOT HELP! 38-42D
BLACK ONLY. $3.98
Due to the desire to please a certain college-type chick, I
recently launched into a physique-constructing type pro-
gram, barbells, etc. However ...
Then, one day, it hit me - like I recoiled and recalled a
much easier way to achieve the end. I split the pad for that
ecstatic rehabilitation center, commonly called the M-store.
I immediately purchased a large-type sweat-shirt displaying
the college letter (M). Not only did the oversized shirt re-
leave that self-conscious complex I had begun to acquire,
but also, the letter satisfied a child-hood frustration I once
had when I was declared ineligible for the fourth grade
My next purchase was a dietary aid for increasing my
weight while safely hiding in the new-found security of
my sweat-shirt. After all, I'd have to come out of the shirt
In further preparation, I selected a few heavy-reading type
pieces of literature to carry around. Among them were The
ABC's of Flower Arranging, The Best of Punch and a bound
volume of Showme 1951. Not only is the literature heavy,
but the volumes themselves weigh several pounds.
As I crossed the campi, I immediately noticed that the
chicks were immediately noticing me. Thanks to the M-
store I am no longer a 98 pound weakling-type, I am a 98
The Missouri Store