Missouri Showme June, 1951 Missouri Showme June, 1951 2008 1951/06 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195106

Missouri Showme June, 1951; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1951

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Missouri Showme June 1951 $00.25 The "if I'd had one more honor point I'd have graduated" Issue Campus Valet the novus shop Puckett's Juke Club TIGER LAUNDRY 2 letters THIS month, instead of run- ning the usual Letters Column, Showme would like to pay thanks to Rose Zetta Elliott, Nan Sanders and Barbara Henninger who are our sales girls at Chris- tian College. They have worked tirelessly on the circulation staff in the selling and promotion of the magazine off-campus. Rose Zetta is quite active at Christian. She belongs to the Student Council, Home Ec Club and the bowling team. She is five-five, with pretty brown hair and brown eyes (incidentally, she isn't pinned). Her favorite sport is swimming. She is 19, from Chillicothe, Mo., and next year she plans to attend Mizzou. Nan Sanders, too, is very ac- tive on the Christian campus. Aside from Showme, she works in the Woman's Recreational As- sociation, League of Women Vot- ers, 12th Night, Dolphin's Swim Club, Texas Club and the Riding Club, Nan is from Waco, (where else?), Texas, has dark brown hair, five-three and is 19. Her next stop for "book learnin' " is Texas U. Barbara Henninger is a very popular girl from Lincoln, Ne- braska. She's blue eyed, five- seven, with light brown hair. Barb is secretary of WRA, a member of Double Sextet, presi- dent of Orchesis, Choral Club and the Dolphin Swim Club. She is 20 years old. Ed the DEN Moon Villa Valley 3 BRADY'S Edgar's editor's ego SOMETIMES at a gag meet- ing the proposed theme of an is- sue will change several times before one is decided on. It is usually because the staff feels that it can do a better job on an- other idea. Well, that is what happenned this month. After three or four beers and a lot of shouting Bob Skole stood up and quietly said, "This is our last is- sue, we might as well ham it up a little." As it ended up the title was changed from Paroled to The "if I'd had two more honor Staff Editor-in-chief Herb Green points I could have graduated" Issue. This is also my last issue as Editor-in-chief, so maybe I can "ham it up a little"' and say thanks to what I think is the best college magazine staff in the country. Certainly without their hard work and honest devotion Showme couldn't exist. They made it all a lot of fun. Next fall Showme will be back with another nine issues. Don't forget that it's your mag- azine, so if you can write or draw or just like to drink beer drop around and see us. Chances are we'll be able to put you to work. Have a good vacation and look for us when you come back in September. Associate Editor Herb Knapp Advertising Director Ed Overholser Publicity Director Hank Marder Photo Editor Tom Weiskirch Secretary Mary Ann Fleming Joey Bellows Joke Editor Mel Britt Business Manager Homer Ball Business Secretary Shirley Davis Circulation Managers (on campus) Dick Heckel Dick Sedler (off campus) Dude Haley Bill Brooks Exchange Secretary Mary Ann Dunn Art Staff: Pat Kilpatrick, Jack Eyler, Andronicus. Photos: Bill Sweeny Advertising: Sally Lofquist, Peggy Marak, Jack William, Virginia Martin, Betty Jackson. Features: Donn Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, Joe Gold Publicity: Marlyn Osgood, Pat Osgood, June Dennis, Betty and Peggy Dees, Herb (Zeke) Eissman, Jay Goldman, Bill Motersbach. Circulation: Jack Bowman, Tom Weiskirk, Bob Herman, Harold Wiley, Bill Wellman Missouri Showme Your Campus Humor Magazine Contents Melody Swett and the Alma Mater From Venice Melody Swett liked loose women in tight sweaters, but he hated the school alma mater, so he decided to do something about it-he wrote a new one 14 Leavin' Town Primer This is a primer for all those leaving town, by graduation or the Katy Railroad. Read and laugh kiddies 16 No Go Bob Brownne tells a story about a cab driver who was very conscientious about expectant mothers ___ 20 Best Seven of the Year Showme picks what we think are the seven best cartoons of the year that have appeared in various collge magazines throughout the country ____- 23 Light Summer Reading If you spend the summer in a hammock, sip- ping a tall mint julep and reading then don't miss Joe Gold's list of prefered summer reading __------ - 34 COVER BY HERB KNAPP Volume 27 May, 1951 Number 9 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not-be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3:30 p.m., Monday through Friday. 304 Read Hall. AT Den and Stein Club and the Shack They count their profits while busses pack; With trembling voice "a useful knack" They sob the merchant's plea-"Come back." 6 around the columns Etteket Since most students will be leaving Columbia soon and will. of course, have to return to the ways of courtesy and good man- ners, we thought, as a public service, that we would pass along a few new pointers from that ageless expert, Emily Post. 1. First-name calling is okay, but position and age should be respected. So don't go home and call your father "Hank". 2. Slacks are okay on women -but improper for city wear. 3. The modern young woman and her young man head for home after midnight or stop off for a late snack. (He, he-stop for a late snack.) 4. The typewriter is now fav- ored for personal correspondence -except for formal notes and letters of sympathy (not includ- ing "dear jawns"). 5. Today many divorced couples remain good friends, or at least on speaking terms. (Ap- plicable to de-pinned couples.) 7. The modern woman reaches for a cigarette almost whenever and wherever she has the whim. (Which translated means-when he has a pack). 8. Buffet meals replace big dinners. This so the modern hos- tess can relax and ask the guests to help themselves. (Since when do you have to ask them?) 9. Chivalry has declined; wom- en no longer expect it because of the more equal status of to- day. Men are no longer required to doff hats in the elevator. (Which is as far as this damned decline of chivalry has ever gone.) Coup de Trash One of our traditionally cyni- cal staff members is still having hysterics over the scene he wan- dered across on Stephens Cam- pus one day last month. Everyone is acquainted with the little man with the little stick with the little nail-the one who goes around stabbing little pieces of paper on the M.U. campus. Well, believe it or not, such employees are employed by the employment bureau of Stephens. Only instead of the little stick with the little nail, at Stephens they use-and this is sworn to- a fencing foil! En garde! Touche ze Camel wrapper. Hey, Mac Out of the entire MacArthur controversy we can scrape one recognizable subject for com- ment without drawing a "Stu- dent-like" barrage of criticism. Our hats are off to the new king of humor in the United States, J. Leland Gourley-the publisher who offered "Dugout Dug" a job as newspaper editor for $2500. You pick out the type of humor you think it is-we have our own ideas. But the offer was more than a funny-it was a bulletin to J- school students. The salary, Gourley said is fabulous ($2,- 500!!!!) It seems that the ROTC might be the best thing after all. And after becoming a five-star general, one can grab off a job as a Hadacol veep. Bad Man After all those crushing letters we can hardly bring ourselves to say anything bad about the Missouri Student. What, with fighting the Greek wars and printing final schedules, circula- tion must have gone up by stumbles and plunges. But now nothing is left but what Tom Botts forgot to say to the Missourian reporter, and who uncorked a quart at what formal, why, where and when. We understand (strictly a rum- or) that the editor can't wait until Carousel is over so he can say something nasty about Plato and start another Greek war. Not a bad idea. We hate GREEKS. (Now come on, kids, write us nasty letters and pick up our circulation, too. After all, you shouldn't discriminate.) Bee Saucers A recent book speculates that the pilots of the flying saucers are really super-bees, who have come down to earth to see what we're doing to cause the atomic explosions. As the book says Martian bees know much more about science than we do. Could this be another case of Bees in the belfrey? 7 Rabbit, Jack Next time you go with your Suzy friend, look upon that "evi- dently-ermine" coat with suspi- cion-Congress is investigating again: One of the numberless House committees is studying the strange abundance of names giv- en to varying specimens of the cotton-tail breed. According to the committee you can expect rabbit when you buy muskratine Baltic lion, Baltic red fox, Baltic leopard, Baltic black or brown fox, Baltic white fox, ermilene, erminette, French cony, meskin ermine, Polar, Red, River, Ro- man, Artic, Australian or meskin seal, sealine, sable hair, fox hair, or moline. As a topper we have French Chinchilla. Only the word "rabbit" could reproduce that proficiently. Bum! The poor old Nizam of Hyder- abad, who patches his own clothes and eats only one meal a day, doesn't trust banks so re- cently he sent to a Bombay bank only a million and half 8 dollars as a deposit. By the way, he is only worth 100 million. Of course, he could raise fif- teen hundred million in a pinch. Say you got a summer job for $55? Lucky stiff. In Passing We see where there are only 310 people left in the 3,500-year- old race of Samaritans-wonder if there are any good ones. Conversation is off 50% in homes having TV-which means that the wife only talks half as much now. In Hollywood a memory ex- pert was sued for forgetting a lecture date. In K.C. police declared a hot- rod unsafe because it had no body, no floorboard, no rear fen- ders, no lights and the only seat cushion was unfastened. In Tripoli two Arabs working at a U.S. air base industriously heaved scrap metal over a 12- foot fence, hoping to pick it up later to sell-the police commis- sioner was standing on the other side. In St. Louis a man fined for trying to drive over a truck- he hit the truck and kept trying to go forward instead of backing away. Dear Cur We mentioned the nasty letters to the editor that the Student has been getting and almost forgot the nasty letter to the editor that was directed to our new S.G.A. pres. The poor Pres. took it on the chin for dropping in to see the Uptown theatre manager and stating that he did not recommend a student ban. For his efforts he received a vicious note. Last month WE recommended that students keep away from the show without even bothering to try to talk to the manager. Not one word did we receive. We still recommend the same action-don't go to the damned show; don't pay the higher price Now come on and write those letters-we just love nasty let- ters-love 'em. You Dont' Say We happened across an article by one of the syndicated person- ality fixer-uppers in the news- paper which we thought inter- esting enough to pass along. It concerns ways of keeping up a conversation while on a date- something that most every one likes to know about. This writer supposed that this tongue-tied gal is on a date and the boy says, "Gee, that's a pretty dress you're wearing." In- stead of saying "thanks," the girl should say, "Thanks, and that's a nice tie. Where did you get it?" The guy says, "My sister gave it to me." This could kill the conversation, but the girl should say, "Oh, do you have a sister?" Now the whole point is that the girl should keep throwing cues to keep things going. That's fine. But we're just a little concern- ed with what might happen if some girl memorizes this dialog and asks the guy where he got the tie and he says, "My father gave it to me." Missed Missouri We are still gnawing our mo- lars in anguish over the Miss Missouri deal-and not entirely because the Showme queen was not selected. It seems that in se- lecting the Miss Missouri, they missed Missouri completely. Residents of the Show-me State should rise up in arms, legs, teeth and beating gums and do things with the feeble-minded committee that selects a Miss Missouri, who is a resident of Il- linois. We have nothing-mind you-against girls from Illinois -they make beautiful creatures as Miss Illinois-but after a lengthy residence in Missouri, we prefer the home state gals. And she plays the bassoon yet. We also have nothing against bassoon players. But when we're given a Miss Missouri from Illi- nois whose only talent consists of playing the BASSOON-we're inclined to believe that the se- lection committee talks through its nose and sees through its ears. Court News We have to hand another one of our infrequent pats on the back to S.G.A. for the fine ten- nis courts that they have suc- ceeded in making a reality. We understand that through the ef- forts of S.G.A. the hard surface tennis courts became more than an idea. From what we have seen there are probably few courts in the country as busy as those south of the gym and field house. And if you don't like to play-lots of the girls are just worth watching. Smile, Podnuh Anyone interested in writing a 19,000-page essay? There's a con- test underway for the best paper on "Why I Think Texans are Liars." Unbelievable enough, it's sponsored by Texans. Incidentally, the prize is a free trip to Texas. Single Tax We see by way of the fourth estate that England has some fascinating rent payments that would make Henry George twirl in his grave. The rents are paid to the King for some 50 crown estates and consist of such stuff as follows: A bucket of snow; straw for the king's bed, three red roses; a small French flag; a basin of water; a knight m armor as an escort; three trumpet blasts; count the king's chessmen if ask- ed; fight anyone the king selects and set dinner each New Year's day for the ghost of King James IV grandmother. Maybe there's something in this socialism. Honoring . As some of you may have no- ticed-those who happened to have classes on Red Campus at that particular hour-Tap Day occured last month. This is the day when several all-school hon- or sororities honor those to whom -they feel-honor is due. It is interesting to note that the University can spare fifteen minutes from each of two suc- ceeding classes to recognize some of the students who keep this campus from becoming a third- rate institution for book worms. Of course this benevolent ac- tion is nothing new-comparable moves take place when honors convocation rolls around. This is tossed off in the late afternoon when most people are more in- terested in dinner than in attend- ing something that rates such a revolting hour. Even night time would be better. 9 candidly mizzou TOM WEISKI THIS doll is Charlotte Campbell, who was crowned queen of Inter-Fraternity Pledge Council during the Greek Week activities. She has just finished saying "Gee whiz, I won!" 10 TOM WEISKIRCH SOME of the most unusual cars we have ever seen turned out for the Campus Town Races. (left to right) WRH "A", Alpha Epsilon Phi, and Alpha Gamma Delta were three of the wierd entries. Later in the race the WRH "A" entry was demolished (on the north turn) and had to be carried across the finish line. TOM WEISKIRCH THE most novel entry went to Lambda Chi Alpha. The car was so fast the runner seemed to have a hard time keeping up with it. TOM WEISKIRCH CHAIRMAN of the Campus Carnival, Bill Ashlock, deserves a crown for providing the campus with a fine evening of enter- tainment. In the picture above Bill looks as though he's about ready to break out in a Sinatra ballad. 11 GEORGE MILLER Most of the feminine "sugar throats" turned out en masse for the annual sorority sing at the educa- tion auditorium. Jody Koester of Alpha Delta Pi seems very happy about the way things are going. MILT REIM V. M. EDOM MORT "Beetle Bailey" Walker (left) and Dr. Gallup were among the speakers who came to Mizzou for J-School Week. Mort Walker is just getting ready to tell the audience how happy he is to be back where he can breathe 3.2 air again. Dr. Gallup encouraged college newspapers to do the unorthodox. We should have told him how the Stewdent has been doing that all along. 12 photo of the month TOM WEISKIRCH AT the annual Campus Town Races Phi Delta Theta came through with the winning entry. After look- ing at the picture we're still wondering how the Phi Delts managed to wedge the driver into the thing. 13 MELODY SWETT AND THE by Jim Anderson MELODY SWETT clomped would have done the same. across the clean-cut grass of State U. whilst humming the "Our alma mammy" he said, Blue Bells of Scotland, in itself the strains of Shenley's Fifth no simple task. tearing through his head, "is us- ed by 17 colleges, 236 high As a Rho Dammit Rho from schools, the DAR, and the Audu- the University of Venice and a bon Society. It is for the birds." composer of sorts, he had taken a dim view of State's alma mater And he set about to write a and any other composer of sorts new one. "Let the birds shift with a good pair of sunglasses for themselves," he thought. 14 ALMA MATER FROM VENICE After setting about for three in the men's lounge at the months, during which time he Downtown Theater (where ate little, attended few classes prices had just gone up). The and damn near flunked out, he lyrics were powerful, yet simple, had finished an alma mater, call- each line more powerful and ing it, quite simply, "Upon First more simple than the one before Looking Through the Trees Across Yon Campus in Two- Upon first looking through the Four Time." A masterful compo- trees sition in four-four time, dynam- across yon campus, what ic and lousy with counterpoint, sees it was considered a masterpiece is something cooking, holy by its composer, who contended geez-- that it surpassed even "The Old It is a building, big and brickly Rugged Cross" in structural burning brightly, makes me perfection. sickly, Someone call the firehouse And there was no flippancy quickly! about Melody when he introduc- ed his brainstorm one evening It went on like this, powerful ILLUSTRATED BY HERB GREEN (Continued on page 22) 15 See the student disk jockey. He is saying good-bye to his girl friends. They are not teddy bears. They are only hairy Stephens girls. No one will listen to his program during the summer. This is not unusual. No one ever listens to it. LEAVIN' TOWN PRIMER See the typical co-ed. She is leaving town. Her boy friend is returned all the shafts that she has given him. She will not smile much longer. He is aiming the next one. See the professor. He is fleeing the county. He has been caught eating Virginia Ham. He has been purged by the Chamber of Commerce. He is saying a few words before he goes. Two hours later he will be saying the same few words. 16 See the pretty couple. One of them is a fraternity man. Can you guess which one? Guess again! They are pinned. They will not part for the sum- mer. They are pinned together. Sec the happy railroad station agent. He is surpris ed. A train has come in. It is a convertible train. It belongs to a Stephens girl. He has never seen a convertible train. He has never seen a train. See the shabby grad. Of course, he is from Mis- souri. He majored in music. He is now with a symphony orchestra in Del Rio, Texas. That is. D-E-L R-I-O, T-E-X-A-S. See the flashy student. He is going to be drafted. He is selling his books. They are untouched by hu- man eyes. They are foreign language books. They were written by H. G. Brown. 17 Home or Bust NO GO What would you do if you were a cabby and your beautiful blonde fare asked you you up to her apartment for a tip? by Bob Brownne IN my younger days I drive a taxicab in my old home town out West, and among the taxicab drivers in my old home town out West is a saying which goes something like this: "In every cab driver's life, there comes a time when a very expectant mother is riding in the back seat and her unborn infant decides it is high time he becomes a citi- zen, then and there." When I first hear of this say- ing, it disturbs me no little, be- cause I am by no means an ob- stetrician, which is a way of saying a baby doctor and fur- thermore, my mother tells me that I personally stepped into this world on the running board of a taxicab and that it would be something on the order of po- etic justice if some infant were to pay me back. As I am hired to drive on the night shift, which is when most infants are born, it becomes my custom to spend the wee hours of the night sticking pretty close to the bars and saloons and what not, as I figure that there is not much chance of anybody being born in such places. Be- sides, it is the bars and saloons and what not which supply the most generous passengers, al- though some of them are a bit hazy about where they wish to go when they come out of these places. In such cases there is nothing to do but leave them on a curbstone somewhere or other to think about it, after collect- ing a fair price for my trouble, of course. Well, I am driving my taxicab around and about in the streets of my old home town out West 20 late one night when what hap- pens but a very shapely doll bellers out at me as follows: "CAB!" I stop my taxicab at once and open the back door so this doll can get in, but she slams it and says she will ride up front with me. Now, this is a practice which is severly frowned upon by the gendarmes in my old home town out West, but after a closer look at this doll I decide I will make an exception in her case. "Well," she says, "I am stand- ing in front of that crummy sa- loon for ten minutes hollering at every cab that goes by and I am beginning to think that you guys drive these things because you like the color." I am not so sure this is not an insult, so I ask her where she wishes to go, and nothing else. She gives me an address out South, and as I report this to my dispatcher, I see at once that this address is right smack in the middle of a neighborhood known to be loaded with expec- tant mamas, and I begin to sweat thinking about it. By now this doll is practically riding in my lap, and from the conversation it seems she thinks it is nothing but her presence which is causing me to sweat. Indeed, I am beginning to sweat more than somewhat, what with the danger of expectant mamas, her, and one thing and another, so I say to her like this: "Baby, you are practically smothering me and it is no won- der I am sweating like this be- cause having a doll climbing around on me like you are do- ing will practically smother me every time, even if the doll would happen to be Whistler's mother." This is by no means true, be- cause this doll on my lap will push any thermometer up at least a foot and a half higher than Whistler's mother will. But the doll thinks I make a very funny remark, and when we arrive at her address, which is an apartment house, she bounces out of the cab, tosses me two dollars and a wink, and says if I come on upstairs she will give me a tip. By this time I am really sweat- ing and worrying about all the expectant mamas who are no doubt clamoring for a cab and calling my dispatcher who knows I am out here, so I decide to fake a fare away from there and forget the tip. No sooner do I start driving away and just barely get my (Continued on page 33) DORN-CLONEY The Stein Club ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE 21 Ina Tharp Florist Campus Jewelers Columbia Opticians 22 (Continued from page 15) and simply, until it reached a reverent climax in Hallowed halls, we love thee might'ly, Clasp thee to our bosoms tightly, Be with thee through wrong and rightly, though your washrooms are unsightly . And no one who heard it was likely to forget it. Melody's next step was the president's office. II He took them two at a time, until he reached the cubicle in question. Then, throwing the question over his arm, he burst through the door and cast a side- wise glance at the president's secretary. "Hmmmm, I go for loose women in tight sweaters," he thought. He was American to the core. "Whadaya want?" the girl asked. "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and you beneath the boughs," he kidded, then added seriously, "I wanta see the president." "You'll need pretty good eyes, sport. He's in Italy," she said. "Italy? I'm from Italy-Uni- versity of Venice, '49." "A row-row boy, huh?" she looked up from her comic book. "Exchange student?" "I collect telephone numbers, if that's what you mean," he answered, "but right now I've gotta see President Littletree (Continued on page 24) Showme Picks The 7 Best of the Year DON L. SMALL G-E STORE Sudden Service Cleaners Frozen Gold Cream of Creams 24 (Continued from page 22) about this alma mater." He pull- ed the score from his portfolio. It was 6-1 in favor of Philadel- phia. "He still ain't in," the girl said, "Why don't you take it to the vice-president in charge of alma maters?" "I will," said Melody. III On his way to the music build- ing, one of the finest examples of termite fodder in the nation, he fell in step with a hairless mid- get carrying a bass drum. "Whatcha doing?" asked Mel- ody. "Carrying a bass drum," said the midget. It added up. "Going to band practice, huh? Melody figured aloud. "As a matter of fact, no," said the midget, "I'm going to see the vice-president in charge of alma maters." Melody Swett trembled. Pers- piration danced on his forehead. It was the Charleston. "Could, could I hear it?" he asked. "Sure," said the midget. He pulled the score from his bass drum. It was still 6-1, Philadel- phia. "I call this thing 'Upon First Looking Through the Trees Across Yon Campus in Two-Four Time,'" he said, "Actually, it's written in four-four time." Melody didn't wait for the rest. He started off, dazed, in a new direction. "Where you goin'?" called the midget. "To the hospital, midget, to the hospital." Melody Swett hobbled off into the dusk. THE END Stuff The Hathman House 26 Swami's Snorts Mother (to couple in unlit room): "What are you doing in there, son?" Son: "Nothing, mother." "Mother: "You're getting more like your father every day." Teacher: "Harold, do you wish to leave the room?" Harold: "I ain't hitch hiking." Filled with Christmas spirits, the drunk weaved his way to his car, opened the rear door by mis- take, and laboriously climbed in. "Hey, you!" yelled the officer on the beat. "You're in no condi- tion to drive." "Oh, stop botherin' peashful citizens. If you want to do some- thing useful, whyn't you catch the guy who shtole my shteering wheel?" A young co-ed brought charges against an elderly professor and had him sentenced to jail for a long term. As he was led away, a friend approached him. "I know you're innocent," said the friend. "Why did you plead guilty?" "Well," admitted the professor, "The complaint was so flattering I just couldn't resist.' ' A quite pretty young lady who had occupied an upper berth in the Pullman couldn't find one of her slippers--popularly called mules-when she was ready to climb down the ladder in the morning. Surmising that it might have fallen into the aisle, she search- ed thoroughly, but there was no slipper. So, on the chance that it could inadvertently slipped into the lower berth, she drew the curtains apart, cautiously, of course, and peeked in. To her chagrin the gentleman occupant was there and awake and the young woman found her- self stammering, "I, I-I'm terri- bly sorry, but I was looking for a mule." To her further chagrin, he smiled, raised both hands to the sides of her head, tilted the fin- gers forward and brayed entic- ingly. A romantic pair were in the throes of silence as they rolled smoothly along an enchanting woodland path, when the lady broke the spell: "John, dear," she asked coftly, "can you drive with on hand?" "Yes, my sweet," he cooed in ecstasy of anticipation. "Then," said the lovely one. 'You'd better wipe your nose, it's running." It was the first time she had been to dinner with them, and they smiled indulgently as she refused a whiskey and soda. "I have never touched it in my life," she explained. "Why not try it?" urged her host. "See if you like the taste." She blushed and shyly con- sented, and he poured her out a mixture which she delicatelyput to her lips. After the first swallow she frowned and placed the glass on the table. "This isn't bourbon, it's Scotch." As one girl explains it: "He's tall, dark and hands.' "I didn't raise my daughter to be fiddled with," said the putty tat as she rescued her daughter from the violin factory. "Listen to those chimes! Aren't they beautiful? Such tone!" "Talk louder! Can't hear you for these damned bells!" "I'd like to buy a brassiere." "What bust?" "Nothing, it just wor out." And then there was the ab- sent-minded fly who couldn't re- member what it did with its specks. 27 Pen Point DRAMATIC WORKSHOP and TECHNICAL INSTITUTE The Eat Shop 28 Swami's Snort We like the sort of underdog who can struggle along without ever making himself known un- til that one time when his ans- wer lifts him out of the masses. Take, for example, the new bunch of recruits, who were be- ing very sick over the rail. One of the old salts joined them and sarcastically inquired: "What's the matter, Jones, got a weak stomach?" "Hell, no," gasped Jones. "I'm throwing it as far as the others." She used to be the campus belle, but somebody tolled on her that sort of thing." A farmer once wrote to Sears, Roebuck and Co., to ask for the price of toilet paper. He received an answer directing him to look on page 306 of their catalogue. "If I had your catalogue," he wrote back, "would I ask you for the price of toilet paper?" I know a girl named Passion I asked her for a date. I tok her out to dinner. Gad, how Passion ate. Salesman: I'm in Room 1528. Send up a little Old Taylor Whiskey. Room Service: Make up your mind. the Goldbrick by Joe Gold "You under age," The bartender snarled. "Selling you scotch is no joke. But if you are A real good boy, I'll slip you half a coke." In Arts and Science did Elmer A negative hour rule decree: Where students raised a bit of hellus, While shouting loud and long, "Please tell us, Why you did this to we." You can easily tell a Freshman from a Sophomore. A Freshman thinks Stag is when you go to a dance alone. The Warden smiles, extends his ---hand, And bids them fond adieu; The gates swing wide, and they are outside- -Graduation at Mizzou! Back here in the fall A favorite trick For football games Is a coat that is thick. The bulge in the pockets Is a positive sign That the wearer is loaded With Vat 69. "Summer school is really great!" Those who have tried it say; "There's beer and life and love and sex." -Dammit, I'm gonna stay. In summertime When I am hot I tend to think Of what is not. I wish I were A little bee, So I could spread Some pollen free. Psychology of the Human Mind Would lead us to believe That the hardest thing for a girl to do Is: Deceive, my friends, deceive! Have you heard about the man who had to get along on one crust of bread every seven days? . Whole week bread! He smiled when he got hit; He grinned when he fell down; He laughed at his teeth on the street; He roard at the blood on his crown. Was he loaded! The odds on the new Memorial Union Bldg. are that it will get further than the last attempt. before the funds run out. Lipstick on men's faces usual- ly causes varied reaction in the male-depending on his age. Before sixteen: "What'll the fell- ows think?" After marriage: "What'll my wife think?" In between: "Hot Damn!" 29 Boy of the Month PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Mike Capes Senior in Arts and Science. Chairman S.G.A. Student Welfare De- partment, 49, '50, '51 . I.F.C. Court of Justice, '50, '51 . Omicron Delta Kappa, National Leadership Honorary. Phi Eta Sigma, Fresh- man Honorary . I.F.C. Delegate to National Conference, '50. Uni- versity Committees on health and housing personnel, '49, '50, '51 . Who' Who in American Colleges and Universities. Dean's Honor List, '48 . . Workshop, '48 . University Singers, '48, '49, '50. Men's University Burrall Committee, '48. Knight Owl, '50. Stu- dent Alumni Committee. Master of Ceremonies Carousel, '49, '50; Savitar Frolics, '50, '51 . Chairman of Univrsity High School Week- end Committee. Sigma Alpha Epsilon. 23. .'Sedalia, Missouri. 30 Girl of the Month PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Sally Ben Lofquist Senior in Arts and Science and Journalism . Vice-president of Gam- ma Alpha Chi, advertising honorary. Assistant Business Manager of Savitar. . . Mortar Board. . SGA Council, Senior Representative. Fanfare for Fifty, 1951 . .Sigma Epsilon Sigma . . .WAA. Femme Forum Board . . . University Chorus, '48 . . WSSF Committee, '49 . Delegate to NSA regional meeting, '50-'51 . YMCA. . Carousel Business Manager, '51 . Read Hall Coffee Hour and Publicity Com- mittee ('48). SGA Election Committee and SGA Educational Prob- lems Division, '49. Showme staff. Delta Tau Kappa . Dean's Honor List. '48, '49 . Delta Delta Delta . 20. Kirkwood, Mo. 31 Shaw & Sons Life Savers TALLEN BEVERAGE CO. 32 Swami's Snorts Student (from back of room): "Are you sure the third test question is in the book?" Prof: "Certainly." Student: "Well, I can't find it." "How come he was kicked out of school?" "He was cheating." "How?" "Caught counting his ribs in a physiology exam." Joe: "What was the explosion on McGregor's farm?" Smoe: "He fed his checkens some lay-or-bust feed, and one of 'em was a rooster." A young man about town ap- proaching a cigar counter behind which stood a cute young thing, said: "Do you keep stationery?" Said the cute young thing: "Yes, up to a certain point, then I go all to pieces." LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U. S. town nam- es. Examples: From RYE, N.Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pairing as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relationship be- tween the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes. Contest closes June 30, 1951. All entries must be postmarked prior to mid- night that date to qualify. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning combin- ations may be used in future ad- vertisements, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties, duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N.Y. (Continued from page 21) mouth open to call my dispatch- er than he calls me instead and states as follows: "Seventy. emergency." He gives me the address I have just left, so I turn around and get ready to be head obstetrician and head nurse, to boot. I am just pulling up when what happens but I see a guy helping a large and very expec- tant mama into another taxicab which is just like mine but with a big number 17 on the back. I call George, my dispatcher. "George," I says, "It looks like I have just lost the emergency fare you gave me. Seventeen thought the call was for him." "Seventeen got it, eh," says George. "O.K.-just call that one a no-go." About this time I notice I am still sweating as much as ever, and as I turn off the engine it occurs to me that this may not be such a no-go as George thinks it is. THE END CIGAR INSTITUTE OF AMERICA, INC. Tiger Club 33 KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY H.R. Mueller Florist 34 Light Summer Reading By Joe Gold OBSCURE Principles of Eco- nomics by Harry Gunnysack Black; $4.00; 542 pp, Glukestite Bros., Columbia, Missouri. (Translation, commonly called "pony-735 pp; $.29.) This is a new novel by the au- thor of such famous best sellers as Tax-Schmax, Ten Nights in a Monopoly, and Here We Go Down the Highway of Life Raising the Price of Gold. Mr. Black's latest book is bas- ed on an ancient formula-MV+ M'V'-pq+p'q'+p"q"+, which was discovered by three drunken Egyptian college students when they fell into the tomb of Pha- roah Chug-A-Lug. According to a translation by a prominent Ro- tarian, the formula means "My demand deposit can lick your demand deposit any old time." Sprinkled liberally through- out its pages are many interest- ing and informative charts which explain high blood pressure, rabies and the rising cost of liv- ing. Each page is chock full of sparkling humor, picturesque metaphors and the author's vast knowledge of the use of foot- notes. It should be remarked here that the footnotes comprise three-fifths of the actual print- ing. In his novel use of this and in his abstract employment of language, Mr. Black approaches the ranks of James Joyce, Sal- vatore Dali and Pappy Yokum. The story of M and V is one you won't want to miss, and when they start having little Ps and Qs, you'll go wild. For straight unadulterated sex, and for Econ 51, you'll have to buy a copy of this surrealist "stream of consciousness". THE END Swami's Snorts "How do I know it's a blood- hound?" she asked doubtfully. "Buster," the proprietor order- ed, "come here and bleed for the lady." A single baby chick seeing its incubator full of unhatched eggs, said, "Well, it looks like I'm go- ing to be an orphan. Mother's blown a fuse." A stork is one of the mystics It inhabits vast numbers of dis- tricts, It doesn't yield plumes, Or sing any tunes, But helps out with vital statis- tics. An English cub reporter, fre- quently reprimanded for relating too many details and warned to be brief, turned in the following: "A shooting affair occured last night. Sir Dwight Hopeless, a guest at Lady Panmore's ball, complain- ed of feeling ill, took a highball, his hat, his coat, his departure, no notice of friends, a taxi, a pistol from his pocket, and finally his life. Nice chap. Regrets and all that sort of thing." KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP Coca-Cola SWAMI 35 marilyn osgood PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO Marilyn is a very pretty, hazel eyed ex-Susie, who eventually found her way to the Showme office. She began her career at the beginning of this year with the publicity staff and doubled also with the ad staff to do a lot of our advertising art. She has even made the periodic pil- gramage to Jeff City to help in printing the magazine. In the summer months Mari- lyn works as a photographer's model in Chicago (told you she was pretty). "Nuthin to it" she says, "just put your arm around a lamp or an ice box and smile." Being a senior she will grad- uate this June with a degree in art education. The future is sim- ple-"either I get married, or go to work." (Yep, she's engag- ed). Swimming is one of her major interests and last year she was on the Varsity Swim team. Marilyn calls Park Ridge, Illi- nois, her home, is 20, and a mem- ber of Alpha Chi Omega. 36 contributors' page tom weiskirch "The most easy going guy on the staff." That title would fit Tom Weiskirch better than any other we can think of. Tom worked for a semester with the circulation department before he got around to telling anyone he was a photographer. It wasn't long before he was do- ing photo work, and later he be- came our photo editor. This is his first year at Mis- souri, and says he came here be- cause he "heard they had a lot of neat parties" (didn't we all?). Being an Aggie he is enrolled in Vetenarian Science . . . we hear he even makes his own clothes. Besides being a top notch pho- tographer, Tom is a golfer and a member of the Freshman Golf Team. His great ambition is to be sent to Stephens to cover a photo feature (but they won't speak to us now). Tom is 18, from Kirkwood, Missouri, and a member of Phi Kappa Psi. harold wiley Besides being one of the nic- est guys on the staff "Zoot" is also one of the oldest hands. He's been with Swami about three years now working in the circu- lation department, mostly with sales and collections. How "Zoot" happened to en- roll at the University is quite a tale. "Just for the ride" he ac- companied a friend of his to Co- lumbia, who was coming here to enroll. "Zoot" ended up enroll- ing himself. Since he was inter- ested in advertising he naturally enrolled in B & PA where he is now a junior. After being discharged from the Navy he gave night school a whirl at St. Louis U., but gave it up. "Zoot's" biggest interest in life seems to center around travel- ing. He's 27 from St. Louis and Lambda Chi Alpha. PHOTOGRAPH BY JULIES' STUDIO Harzfeld's Camel