Missouri Showme Oct. issue in November, October, 1951 Missouri Showme Oct. issue in November, October, 1951 2008 1951/10 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195110

Missouri Showme Oct. issue in November, October, 1951; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1951

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MISSOURI Showme Oct. Issue In Nov. The Decline and Fall of Education Garland's COUNTRY SUEDE SLEEVELESS: Luxurious, butter-soft suede is a long wearing campus favorite. Action-styled with pure wool knitted back. $13.50 ALL-CLIMATE TRI THREAT: For any weather, anywhere. Wear it three ways . . . the smartly tailored, weather-conditioned, "all climate" cloth shell for milder days . . . the zip-out pure wool lining as the perfect lounge coat . . or the shell and lining on those brisk days, out-of-doors. $30.00 SCOT SWEEP SPORT SHIRT: McGregor's award winning shirt. Styled with the first truly convertible collar in sportswear history-the new, short sweep model with easy-to-slip-in collar stays. Washable rayon gabardine. $6.95 HAMILTON BLOUSE: Here is supple, luxurious suede, fitted for action with knit collar, wristlets and waist. Styled with roomy patch pockets, zip front. Fully rayon lined. $25.00 McGREGOR PUCKETT'S OF COURSE--PUCKETT'S OF COURSE---PUCKETT'S OF COURSE-- Broznell CAMPUS JEWELERS Dick Barnett's Men's Clothing A Braznell Letters Sirs: Being an ex-suzie it would seem as if something were miss- ing if I didn't get to read Showme each month. There's really noth- ing in these parts to compare with it. So I'd certainly appreciate it if you'd put me on the list of sub- scribers. Just let me know the price and I'll send you a check. Sincerely, Linda Smith Chapel Hill, N.C. Madam, this magazine is price- less. However, we'll settle for three dollars cash or a corres- ponding amount of trade goods. Ed. Gentlemen: Please enter my supscription to the best humor magazine in the country. I couldn't get along without it. Very truly yours, Henry H. Krusekopf Tyler, Texas. A Braznell Don't you have any "IT" in Tex- as. Ed. Dear Ed, I would first like to comment on your publication (?) We en- joy the jokes very much, and con- sider them the best ever. The stories have no point, and the so called editorials should be left out However, the good points more than make up for the bad ones so we wish to have our names added to your list again this year. (Artesia Alcoholic Assoc.) yours truly, Jay Lewis, Sec. A.A.A. State College, New Mex. Dear Sir, I was a medical student at the University of Missouri for the past two years and have now transferred to the University of Iowa and do not wish to miss "Showme" for in my opinion, it is the best college humor magazine on the market today. Thank you, Robert Tribble Thank you, Bob. Praise like that restores our faith in filth . Ed. Kilroy Jr. SMITH'S SELF-SERVICE LAUNDRY Coban CIGAR INSTITUTE OF AMERICA, INC. NEUKOMMS editor's ego After teetering dangerously near extinction, Showme came back to set an all-time record for on-campus sales. It made me feel pretty good, naturally, and, speaking for the whole staff, I hope we'll be able to satiate your desire for illict humor and smutty chuckles to the same extent in all future issues. * * * If you don't like the way this magazine is run write or drop by 304 Read Hall, between three and four, any weekday. * We could sure use some stories next month. Check through those old narration papers and drop 'em by the office. They don't have to be funny, as long as they're half way entertaining, they can be morbid as hell. Horror stories have always fascinated me. Do youlike martinis? So doI. While sitting in the Shack the other day, unobtrusively carving dirty words in the woodwork, I got to thinking . . But every- thing's all right now. Next month Swamie proudly presents. I don't know the name of it yet but we'll come up with something. Why do you bother to read this column anyhow? Don't you know nobody reads this thing. And why should they? It's my ego, isn't it? "All the mistakes of youth are on the side of intensity and ex- cess, running counter to the max- im of Chilon ('Moderation in all things'). They carry everything too far . They are fond of laughter, and therefore facetious, facetiousness being a subdued in- solence.". . ARISTOTLE I sure wish the old boy were around to explain all that to the Board of Publications next time they have me on the carpet for one of those "Youthful indescre- tions." Swamie's going to come through with a Showme Art Ex- hibit in the Shack one of these days. Laugh while you quaff, at eleven cents a glass. See 'you all next month, and until then "Rah, rah, Pep club, Rah rah rah . . burp. Sincerely, Herb Knapp BRADY'S MISSOURI SHOWME YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents Around The Columns . . . . . . Bob Skole . 7 Froid Toyed . . . . . . . . . Bob Skole : 10 The Mid-Semester Quiz . . Jack Brown . 15 Tom Sawyerinski . . . . . . Rube Irwin . 17 Why It Fell . . . . . . . Herb Green : 18-19 Mighty Lake A Ruse . Jim Anderson . 25 Boy and Girl of the Month . . . . . . . . 27 Lunacy, Lust and Lampe . . . . Keith Lampe . 33 Staff Editor-in-chief: Herb Knapp; Editor-at-rest: Herb Green; Busi- ness Manager: Dude Haley; Advertising Director: Peggy Marak; Publicity Director: Hank Marder; Feature Editor: Bob Skole; Art Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Secretaries: Mary Ann Fleming, Joey Bel- lows, Mary Ann Dunn, Scottie Hickok; Photos: Jack Brown, Jim Gaskins, Jim Karohl, Marie Rundburg; Artists: Bill Andronicus, Jim Rohl, Carolyn Brognell, Bill Brognell, Hal McLain; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Bob Irwin; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotten, Lois Via; Circulation: Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Don O1. son, Tom Walsh, John Judge, Bob Hyde, Chuck Asley; Publicity: TRO Pat Osgood, Herb Motersbach, Marty Brown; Advertising Art: Jean Ann Harrison. Volume 28 September, 1951 Number 1 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved, Unsolicited manuscripts will not be refrned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer; Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. Knapp Every test got out, each grader was corrupt, Professors' salaries were never upped; Education declined and then it fell, And they all got learnin' deep down in hell. Around the Columns Overheard First Stephens girl: So I told him that I had a date with anoth- er guy . Second Stevens Girl: What! You didn't tell him the truth, did you? Home Is Where You. Well, if it's where you hang your hat, lot of hats must have been hung in Columbia, judging by the Homecoming hordes. However, most of the invading locusts weren't interested in hanging hats, but in simply hang- ing one on. Homecoming is as good an excuse for stocking up on a winter's supply of cheap al- cohol as is usually needed. The dashing heroes of the 1920 campus sucked in their stomachs and said that it isn't what it used to be. The racoon-coated rah-rah guys, vintage 1925, said they made better booze in bath tube than the rot-gut students drink now. The B and PA tycoons of 1930, who were the most dissillu- sioned bunch on the campus at the time, boasted of how they worked their way through school selling apples and wooden nut- megs, while the punks today just wait for the G.I. check. The late "30's" model, who profited from the R.O.T.C. to the tune of col- onel's birds, talked of how rough it had been in the Pentagon, and how you guys never had it so good. Which all proves that bygones are never bygones, but are al- ways bigger, better, beautifuller, buxomer bygones. One, Two, Three, She When Pageant magazine prints it, it's called scientific research; when Showme prints it, editors are transported to the colonies. Pageant's recent contribution to our growing library on sex on the campus merely confirmed the data that Showme investigators had compiled years ago. Except we couldn't print it. We doubt very much if we would be allowed to reprint the Pageant article, but we can rec- ommend it. The data was compil- ed from a survey of a dozen coll- eges throughout the nation. Mis- souri and Stephens were not sur- veyed for the very same reason Notre Dame and Our Lady of the Elms were left out. The research- ers wanted averages, not ex- tremes. Articles of this nature are highly important in developing mature attitudes on the subject of human relations. That's why Showme would like to devote more space to such material. But censors got feelthy minds. They sometimes question our noble in- tentions. This is discouraging at times, but Emerson's words keep us striving toward our idealistic goal: "To be great is to be mis- understood." That's Nice, Don't Fight Behind Gentry Hall, which is by way of saying W.R.H., there is a kiddies' playground. This caused a bit of eyebrow raising when it was erected, for no one has ever heard of a university taking special pains with imma- ture co-eds, no less mature ones' offspring. But this was hardly the case. It seemed that a course in the care and cleaning of scrawny kids had to have a laboratory someplace, And the place where the girls used to sun-bathe is now it. So again, science and education toss beauty to the winds. But even worse, it is often sleeping beauty. But don't complain girls, you'll have your laughs when the swing breaks. Gamma Phive Gaited Everybody gotta have a queen, including the American Royal In that queen's court were three lo- cal lovelies, members of a social sorority whose chief claim to no- toriety is their success at enter- ing queen contests and their agil- ity on fire escapes. The queen and her court presided over horse shows, cow shows, pig shows, and peep shows. They were all invited to return as con- testants next year. 7 Hoo-Ray School spirit is highly desir- able at a college. Without it, you ain't educated. Our local Steve Wilson is going to see that we get it, comes hell, high water, or a manacuring of the Tiger Claws. At least his campaign is less stupid than Greek-cussin'. But not much less. If there was anything to get spirited a- bout at the University of Mis- souri, there would be more spirit than three regiments of Colum- bia cops could handle. A school doesn't need a pep squad if there isn't any pep, Free Wheeties would be just as effective, if not more so. Between you, us and Steve Wilson, what the school needs is something to get excited about, not an organization through which to do it. It's like making out: First you get the girl, then the spirits, then the excitement Not the other way around. The Consitpated Eagle Uncle Sam is a busy guy. Not only is he working himself silly trying to stem Communism, but he has to take care of R.O.T.C. problems. His citizens in Mexico have to be gotten out of jail, and he has to monitor Radio Moscow broadcasts. He gotta see that farmers get their ponds built. while he buys rivets for new air- craft carriers. France is complain- ing about an arms shipment be- ing two rifles short, and there's a stamp machine in Oshkosh that needs oiling. Is it any wonder that the G.I. checks are late? What with the Iran oil being sewed up, the great white Eagle's digestive tract resembles a desert road during a dry spell. But the good bird is straining. Checks will arrive be- fore Christmas, he grunts. No, one cannot deny that the Eagle isn't giving it a good college groan. Blue Blueprints we understand it, is in the edu- we understand it, is in the edu- cation business, not in the hous- ing business. The new men's dormitories prove it. Whoever the architect was, he shouldn't have been. The only ar- chitectural feat he accomplished in designing the building was in keeping with the "ugly buildings" motif around which the rest of the University is built. Take the wash rooms for ex- ample. One guy showers and the others in the place get wet. Or the phone situation. One guy makes a call and everyone else in the hall can't help but listen. (Even the temporary dorms have phone booths.) Most schools have some sort of "call system" in men's dorms as well as in women'" We got aggies It's strange how the building bosses attempt to save money in stupid construction, but don't flinch at purchasing even more stupid accessories. The super-de- luxe, automatic, wood inlayed tie racks are the biggest boner. We doubt if they'll be in working order, or even around, in three years. The proposed chow-hall and recreation unit to be built some day in the center of the dorm quadrangle is a -fine dream, al- though one will get you ten that it will be merely a Crowder Hall a few hundred yards to the east. But actually, there is no right- ful complaint coming. After all, some of the best scholars we knew starved to death in musty garrets. Check-Book Learnin' Stephens College ought to rake in close to three million dollars this year, figuring $1600 from each of the 1800 Suzies they have. Actually this isn't much. Several students could match this easily out of their pin money KILPATRICK Herb Knapp Tell it again!--I didn't get it! Three million fish is a lot of sea food, but it could hardly pay for one Friday's dinner at Stephens. Where the school gets the big haul is from its alumnae. It was at Stephens where they first learned to say, "Yes," and the contributions director has been exploiting it ever since. But don't get the idea that every girl who went to Stephens has money. Many of them bankrupt their families by going there. Many Suzies claim that they have no money at all. Only the rich can afford to make this boost Some of the girls never mention money. They write checks. Most of them, however, are plain, or- dinary, every day, normal young- sters, who enjoy the very same things most of us enjoy, but who can afford it. To Each His Own The Missouri Student, a week- ly campus newspaper, recently published an interview with an Ag School mule. In case there is any wonder as to which staff member was assigned to the story the person who brays out their editorials is fully qualified to talk with that animal. As a matter of fact, he can speak several mule dialects, and usually writes in the language of the mule's im- mediate ancestor-the ass. R.I.P.-Dormitory One Shed a tear for Dormitory After years of faithful service, has been closed. It was the be damn dorm .the University had It was too good. That is why th residents say they were evicted The school figures that for ad- ministrative reasons, and, natur- ally, financial reasons, it is better to keep students centralized in as few dorms as possible. Which is true. So Dorm 1 residents are mov- ed into dorm 3, which was once called Temporary Dormitory 3 but which evidently isn't. Along with life in the campus suburbs. goes one ticket entitling the bearer to eat at Crowder, anoth- entitling him to a hall counselor, a third permitting him all the mother ng he can get out of a housemother, and a fourth which lets him see the chaplain. Dormitory 1 was fine. It was laid out in suites, it was quiet, it was central, everyone minded his own business, there was no housemother to plague him, a guy could get ulcers wherever he wanted to, and best of all, res- idents were satisfied. And now it is closed. Shed a tear for Dormitory 1. Warm Form Dorm The hottest girls on campus live at Dormitory 6. Seems that the blast furnace that heats the place just can't control itself with so many lovely damsels flitting around. Windows are tossed open, blankets are merely a memory, and the residents all make like Sally Rand. This makes the oven even worse. Actually it's a gigantic reducing plan put over by the home ec de- partment. This makes up for all the good eating the girls get over at the cafeteria. It is also a weed- ing-out process. The girls are all rom out-of-state. If the fees did not get them the heat will. About being so hot, the girls apologize, "We just can't help it." Which is the best excuse heard on this campus since the advent of the gasoline engine. How Accomodating! From an article in the Missouri Student: "He (an M.U. profes- sor) has always made it a point o tailor his information for his tudents, enabling them to under- -tand even the most involved lesson." American education marches forward! -Bob Skole 9 By Bob Skole Dr. Froid's first function after he was appointed president of the large midwestern school was to call a meeting of the entire faculty. A couple hundred pro- fessors, instructors, and other ed- ucational miscellania crowded in- to the large lecture room. There were even some teachers. Sever- al up-and-coming graders had wrangled invitations. The biggest of the campus cops kept out all but the authorized. How Dr. Froid became presi- dent was no secret. A ten million dollar donation from a French perfume heiress and Froid was the only string attached. He wasn't much to look at when he stood at the podium. He was like most professors: old baggy suit, modest tie, lots of un- combed hair, sharp features that looked hungry, glasses and that was about it. Except for his eyes. They actually seemed to gleam, and often times reflected light when there wasn't much light to reflect. FROID TOYED But nobody tooK much notice of this. They all knew that he had taught psychology at some coastal school in Europe, and that the professors, highly underpaid over there, eat lots of oysters, which are the cheapest thing growing. It was due to the oys- ters, they said. The Doctor spoke quietly and quickly. His English was poor but he made himself clear. He was going to revolutionize the basis of American Education- at least in this school. All subjects, he said, with no exceptions, are to be taught with primary emphasis on Sex. And if anyone didn't like it, there was the door. No one moved. The board of curators, who were sitting on the stage, merely blushed and looked at their shoes. They previously had heard the doctor's terms, and had agreed. The whole idea of the thing did not bother the faculty as much as the seeming humiliation that would accompany their having to go to classes to learn to teach "the new way." The Doctor had brought with him a couple dozen students from his old school. They had been fully indoctrinat- ed and were to teach the system to the professors. The faculty was accustomed to strange orders from "above" and took it all placidly. Besides there was a ten per cent salary increase, which was as welcome to them as a text book royalty. The entire faculty went to classes and learned things that they had never before imagined. The physics department, for ex- ample, learned that there were no negative and positive electric- al poles, but male and female. Dairy Husbandry became Dairy Adultery. The journalism school's newspa- per was to be styled after the Police Gazette, and divorce news was to take the place of church news. The English department was to use a new text with the bawdiest parts of Shakespeare and Chaucer not only left in, but discussed in detail. And so on. Many of the faculty members were convince of the soundness of the Doctor's theory for his disciples presented their lessons well. Actually, the faculty always had some idea that sex played an important part of every college student's education. So the en- tire theory wasn't hard for them to take. The ten per cent was even easier. The following semester the theory was used in all classes. At first, lectures caused a bit of embarrassment, but soon both students and teachers began to enjoy them. Not only did they enjoy them but they rapidly re- alized that Doctor Froid's the- ories of "sex basis" was entirely correct. With this realization came a sincere desire by students to learn as much as possible about their courses. Men who had here- tofore never opened a book, un- less it was to find a co-ed's tele- phone number, spent long hours in the library, pouring over the latest Froidian revised texts. Co- eds, who had never stayed in the dorm at night unless it was abso- lutely necessary, now studied themselves to sleep in the early hours when they used to sneak up the fire escape. Dr. Froid made certain that every lecture was as interesting as possible. Soon class-cutting was only done in extreme cases of illness. Negative hours were done away with as a relic of the "old school." Exams became mere formalities, for all students made perfect, or close to perfect, scores. The school had turned in- to one gigantic study hall. Dance halls closed. Beer par- lors shut down. Pin ball mach- ines rusted. Exchange dinners be- came symposiums. The Student Union was made into study rooms. The student government found itself without anything to govern. And worst of all, weeds grew in the mammoth football stadium. Dr. Froid had done the seem- ingly impossible. He had turned the university into a place of learning, simply by basing every- thing on sex. But although students studied and teachers taught, something was wrong. The Theory was working fine in lectures and labs. but it was a dud in campus life. The students never seemed to be able to leave the attitude of the classroom. Dr. Froid was worried. It had worked fine at his school in Eur- ope. But at this tremendous Mid- western school his "sex basis" outdid itself. By this time, the Doctor had drawn international fame to his experiment. Universities made fabulous offers. The Doctor re- alized that his only salvation was (Continued on page 16) Bill Andronicos Did you find my little pipe, the one with the Chinese design on the bowl? 11 photo of the month is year's Homecoming Queen is on of the most fascinating creatures we have been privileged to get in a long time. She's sleek, gentle and as graceful as any queen could be. No you dope, she's one on the left! PHOTO BY HENN LIV 12 candidly mizzou Floating down the avenue, we had numerous displays of student originality. The DG's said, "It's in the cards," and they shuffled themselves a straight-flush. Sailors always come through on a rainy day. PHOTO BY JIM KAROHL What is this fatal attraction that this animal has for Mizzou's most delectable lovelies? Here "it" is shown with the Barnwarmin' court. A few days before "it" was with the Homecoming Queen. It's ru- mored, "it's" being groomed for Harry's campaign. PHOTO BY JACK BROWN These lads are playing touch football. It is an intramural sport. College Joes play it with rolls of quarters in their fists PHOTO BY MARIE RUNDBURG 13 For subscriptons above and beyond the call of duty, Showme presents a 100 per cent subscription cup to the Alpha Phis. Such backing can only be appreciated in the back room of the Shack. PHOTO BY JACK BROWN The DG's also shelled much moola into Swami's coffers, Dude Haley, Showme's business manager presents the Sailors with their subscription cup. Quit staring girls, it hasn't got beer in it. PHOTO BY JACK BROWN Every student who comes to college develops good study habits. This girl has just finished hitting her books. Now she's resting up so she can hit them again. PHOTO BY JIM KAROHL 14 Higher education is here pared down to its fundamental best. The local magazine racks are usually frequented by serious minded students seeking re- lief from the dating problem. PHOTO BY MARIE RUNDBURG MID-TERM EXAM BY JACK BROWN Am I that far behind? Coffee, Coffee, sure gotta stay awake! Quiz . Quiz. What quiz? Hafta hit this test. We mustn't. I gotta study. What's the use! 15 KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER WICKER'S New Golden Campus Wick's Place H. R. Mueller Florist to leave the school before his sys- tem collapsed about his ears. He took the best offer, and went East to set up his system in a tre- mendously wealthy college. And his system took hold! In lectures, labs and most important in campus like! Dr. Froid's "sex basis" worked wonders, and eventually made the College of Oyster Bay world famous. THE END "Pardon me," said the man to the blind beggar, "are you the father of these children? All five of them look like you." "Yes, they're all mine," said the beggar. "Well, my friend, do you think it's sensible for a man in your position to bring all these chil- dren into the world?" The blind man shrugged and said: "Can I help it if I can't see what I'm doing?" * * * Slogan on a crematorium door: "We're hot for your body." Little Willie wrote a book, Woman was the theme he took Woman was his only text Ain't he cute? He's over sexed. Girls who eat spinach have legs like this I Girls who ride horses have legs like this () Girls who get plastered have legs like this ) ( Girls who use good sense have legs like this X "I'll see you," said our hero, as he laid down four aces in a game of strip poker. * * * When Mr. Johnson, having heard that he was the father of triplets, rushed eagerly into his wife's room, the nurse intercept- ed him and scolded, "Don't you know any better than to barge in like that? You're not sterile" After a glance at his breed, the unnerved Mr. Johnson piped up, "You're telling me!" C Braznell By Bob Irwin PREFACE Comrades! Your editors take this opportunity to expose anoth- er instance of swinish imperialist treachery. For years the Yankee dogs have fostered on the world's children a lecherous fantasy call- ed The Adventures of Tom Saw- yerinski. It is now the privilege of your editors to bring you a true version of the Sawyerinski story. While doing research und- er the guiding principles set down by the Number One Editor we found the original manuscript in the typewriter of the Commissar of Literature. It is interesting to note that the real Mark Twain was invented by two Russians, Olga and Vasily Sonavich. Not only did the Sona- viches invent Twain, but side- paddle steamers, catfish and the Mississippi River, too. Though the loathesome bourgeoise claim Twainski and Sawyerinski as their own, and twist the writings accordingly, the truth now comes out that Twainsky was abducted by a depraved Lithuanian and spirited away to a horrible con- centration camp called Missouri. After months of unspeakable torture Twainsky was forced to sign his name to the false work which the greasy capitalists used to brow beat school children. Carrying on as lifter of the op- pressed, Pravda is proud to bring you the true Marxian Tom Saw- yerinski. Chapter 2 THE GREAT WHITEWASH Saturday morning was come and all the bourgeois world was bright and fresh. There was a re- actionary hymn in every heart, and if the heart was young the music issued from cunning lips. There was cheer in every face and a spring in every step of those who drove the proletariat to starvation. The locust trees were in bloom and the fragrance of blossoms filled the air, though only class exploiters were allow- ed to sniff. Cardiff hill, beyond the village and above it, was green with vegetation and it lay just far enough away from the slimy steamy slums of the people to seem a Delectable Land. Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long handled brush. He survey- ed the fence and a deep melan- choly settled down on his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow. Sighing he dipped his brush and passed it along the top- most plank; compared the insig- nificant whitewashed streak with the far reaching continent of un- whitewashed fence, and sat down on a treebox discouraged. Illustrated by Carolyn Brognell Jim came skipping out at the gate with a tin pail, and singing the International. Bringing water from the town pump had always been hateful work in Tom's eyes but now it did not strike him so. "Say Jim, I'll fetch the water if you'll whitewash some," said Tom. Jim shook his head and replied; "Can't, Mars Tom. Ole missis, she told me I got to go an' git dis water an' not stop foolin' roun with anybody." "Jim, I'll see that you get two meals a day." Jim began to waver. Jim was only human-this at- traction was too much for him. He bent over to set down his pail. (Continued on page 20) 17 Why It F FOOD GENDARMES SHH-I hear they're hiring EDITORS OF WOULD BE TABLOIDS GRADING SYSTEM CONFUSED ENROLLING POP QUIZZES R.O.T.C MONETARY EXCHANGES Fell by Herb Green AT MONTGOMERY WARDS HELPFUL ART PROFS HOUSEMOTHER (Who Can Tell Time) NEGATIVE HOURS BLACKLISTS PSEUDO-SOPHISTICATION STUDENT TEACHERS DISCIPLINARY BOARDS FUNNY-BOY PROF In another moment he was fly- ing down the street with his pail and a bleeding back. Tom was whitewashing with vigor and Aunt Polly was retiring from the field with a cat o' nine in her hand and triumph in her eye. But Tom's energy did not last. He began to think of the econom- ically wasteful luxury he had planned for this day. He mused on Aunt Polly's lesson in exploi- tation. If an old biddy who had sucked the workers' blood for years could still be so forceful he, Tom, who had yet to fire on his first picket line, must take note. At this dark and hopeless mo- ment a great magnificent inspi- ration burst upon him. He took up his brush and went tranquilly to work. Ben Rogers hove in sight presently-the very boy, of all boys, that he had an- ticipated. Ben's gait was the hop- skip-and-jump: proof enough that his heart was light. He was eating dirty breadcrumbs and giving a racking cough at intervals, for he was impersonating Karl Marx. As he drew near he slackened speed, leaned over, and shook a cloud of dandruff from his head. Indeed, he had saved a whole jar full of dandruff flakes in order to imitate the fine flurry that Marx spewed from lecture plat- forms. Tom, who usually set the dogs on proletarian playmates or hung them by the thumbs, paid no attention. Ben, embold- ened by a calm reception, opened his twisted, scab covered mouth. (He had been face stomped by an overseer the week before.) "Hello, Tom, You got to work, hey?" Tom wheeled suddenly and said: "Why it's you, Ben! I warn't noticing. What do you call work?" "Why ain't that work?" "Ben, you're just a filthy, ig- norant varmit who's only fit to mine coal eighteen hours a day, so you can't be 'spected to un- derstand. But whitewashing is the 'herited privilege and plea- sure of all the right kind of folks, meanin' the owners of the forces of production. It's somethin' you got no business askin' about 'cause your a stinkin' pimply beast of burden. I should bust your runny little nose for even askin' about whitewashin'." Ben trembled at Tom's words, but he whimpered: (Continued on page 21) WANNA Write? Drew? Take pitchers? SHOWME We're lookin' for you in our office at 304 Read Hall Drop in Office hours: sometime after one every afternoon. Kilroy Jr. "Well, you're the one who always wanted air-conditioning" SMITH's SELF-SERVICE LAUNDRY B. BRAZWELL I hear he hates Greeks. Brown Derby "Tom, could I try just a little please?" "Ben, you oughta be broke on the wheel for that!" "Please, Tom, just let me do a little." "Well, all right if you'll pay me somethin'. What you got?" "I ain't got nothin', Tom, but please let me." "Go get me the fillins out of your ma's teeth." Ben, dazed by capitalist prop- aganda, ran off as fast as his legs would carry him. In no time he was back with three bloodstained gold fillings. Tom reluctantly gave up the brush and sat in the shade closeby watching and plan- ning the slaughter of more inno- cents. There was no lack of materials; boys happened along every little while. By the time Ben was fag- ged out, Tom had sold the next chance to Billy Fisher for his father's life savings. When Billy (Continued on page 22) DON L. SMALL G-E STORE eddie's toggery the novus shop Woolf Brothers Tiger Laundry & Dry Cleaning Co. tired, Johnny Miller took his place, paying Tom the money the white slaver had given him for his sister. Charlie Brown was next; he paid by pawning his grandmother's artificial leg. And so on and on, hour after hour,the boys came. When at last the whitewash was gone, Tom sent them back to their hovels and contemplated his success. He smiled at the way he had duped the peasantry. He hoped that someday he would be mayor so that he could cheat the whole city. His revery ended, Tom made his way down to view the Saturday lynchings. Anybody who can keep this up for fifteen chapters without vom- iting is eligible for a Hero Of The People, 8th Class Medal. For you fellows and girls who can't write or who have weak stomachs the same medal is available if you enlist in the army for fifty years and/or bear eighteen children. THE END Sorority girls most pleasing Will soon start wheezing and sneezing, Cold weather is rough They're finding it tough To show off their pins without freezing. * "What a splendid fit," said the tailor as he carried another epi- leptic out of his shop. "Where ya been?" "Out with my girl drinking rum.' "Jamaica?" "Don't be so damn nosey." Hal McClain I hope I'm not boring you. * * * * "I was shot in the leg in the war." "Have a scar?" "No thanks, I don't smoke." As I understand it, the coach told him not to dress for the game. Where do ya get the "Whom?" Stuff Frankly, my dear- Pi Phi Kisses Swami's Snorts "And what kind of officer does your uniform signify?" asked the inquisitive old lady. "I am a naval surgeon," he re- plied. "My goodness, how you doctors specialize these days." * * One strawberry to another: If we hadn't been in the same bed, we wouldn't be in this jam. The floor walker was approach- ed by a cute shopper who asked: "Where can I get some silk cov- erings for my settee?" His reply was: "First aisle to the left in the lingerie depart- ment." "Where ya been?" "Out with my girl drinking rum." "Jamaica." "Don't be so damn nosey." Women are like typewriters, you punch the wrong places and you get the darndest answers. One can of paint said to anoth- er "Darling, I think I'm pigment." * * One look at a brassiere ad is enough to convince one that hon- esty is not the bust policy. There was an Army wife dur- ing the war whose husband had been in the Pacific for three years. She began receiving letters from him in which he told of the beautiful South Sea Island belles and of their growing fascination for him. Worried at this, she went to her doctor for advice. "Well," said the doctor, "there is a chemical that can be intro- duced into a man's food that will lesson his natural emotions." He gave her a prescription and told her to put it in some food and send it to him then see what hap- pens. The wife had the prescription filled, and wishing to be sure it worked, she put a double dose in some cookies she had made for him, and sent them to her hus- band. She didn't get a letter from him for three months, then when one finally arrived, she hurriedly tore it open. The letter began: "Dear Friend:" 801 Liquors Mighty Like a Ruse by Jim Anderson Fabien (Dingdong) Sodd should have been a penguin; not that he looked like one, but then he would have been in Antarctica and off the streets, a healthy con- dition. "Dingdong," he used to say to himself in clear, bell-like tones, "I know you're goin' to hell, and you know you're goin' to hell, but does she know you're goin' to hell?" and with that he would toss down his second boilermaker press him for the fall, and send him back to Purdue University. "You're ruining my floor, you know," spoke Spak Spook, a barkeep's barkeep, "Think I'm made out of linoleum?" "Sorry, Spook," said Sodd, dusting off his elbow and gluing it to the bar, "but you know how I am when she ain't around. Gim- me a sidecar." Spak gave him the sidecar and Dingdong took it out to his mo- torcycle. It didn't fit, so Sodd drank up. "Who's she out with tonight?" asked Spak, feigning interest at 3.2% "Guy named Gerll," Sodd said. "Gerll who?" "Guy Gerll." "Oh, one of the Gerll boys, eh?" cracked Spak. "Don't be funny. He's out with my wife, ain't he?" Dingdong bellowed, pussy-footing it to the end of the bar for a shot of cat- nip. "Yeah, he sure is, D.D. How are the kids taking it?" "On the sly like the rest of the minors, I guess-" "I mean how do they feel about Daphne going out with Guy?" "Oh, that. It don't seem to bother 'em. They just say 'What the hell, it's his money', and go on with their crossword puzzles. Y'oughta see some of the cross words they come up with, too." "I can imagine," spoke Spak, imagining. "And in the meantime it hurts you inside, doesn't it?" Sodd looked wistful. Wistful looked Sodd. Sodd looked away "How'd you know?" he asked. "Oh, I have sort of an under- standing about things like that. I've been around a lot." "If you've been around a lot where's your used cars?" Ding- dong chimed in, laughing, clap- ping himself on the knee and fall- ing on the floor. But suddenly he was serious. "What I do, Spook?" he pleaded. "First, get up. You're getting all sawdust. Next, get a divorce. It's the only way." Spak mixed up a Tom Collins. Tom came back later for a road map. "Divorce Daphne? Geez, I hate to think about it," said Sodd, hat- ing to think about it. "She's the mother of my children, and that's more than I can say for myself." "But she's no good for you Dingdong. Look at yourself- (Continued on page 26) And if that won't work, pull the old apple routine. 25 Buchroeder's Hillas' Liquors DORN-CLONEY drinking, fighting, ruining my floor-and why? Because she's tired of you, that's why. She does not care about you or the kids, who at this very moment could be burning the house down." A fire truck went by. Sodd's kids were burning the house down. II Daphne Sodd walked into Spak's about midnight, picked up a barstool and sat down. It was the first time she'd picked up a barstool. "Where ya been?" asked Ding- dong through force of habit. "To the show, sport," she said. "'iss the Shirt Off My Back', a real scorcher." "Yeah? Well, I got somethin' to tell ya, baby," said Sodd, getting real tough. "I know, I know. The house burned down. So is that my fault?" She took the cap off a bottle of Schlitz and ate it. "Naw, this is worse'n that, baby. Me and you have had it. Tell her, Spook. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing." He stepped into a small room and washed his hands of the whole thing. Spook told her. III When Dingdong returned to the bar he found is vacant, except for Tom Collins, who had taken the wrong road map. "You see Spook and a dame leave the place?" Dingdong mat- ter-of-factly inquired. "Yep," Collins yepped, "'bout two minutes ago. She's your wife, (Contnued on page 28) Boy of the Month. Blackie Huff - Journalism ma- jor . . Alpha Delta Sigma, ad- vertising honorary . . . chair- man of the Department of Pub- lic Relations . . . Inter-Fratern- ity Council, two years. . SGA publicity chairman . . . SGA dance committee. . . chairman of the Eligibility Committee of Inter-Fraternity Council . Al- pha Tau Omega president. . . 24. from Independence Mo. Girl of the Month. Janet MacDonald - Education major . Associated Women, Students Council, three years . . . Savitar staff . Junior.Pan- Hellenic president . Red Cross representative . Kappa Epsilon Alpha, freshman hono- rary. Sigma Epsilon Sigma, sophomore honorary . .Soph- omore Council . Arts and Science Dean's Honor Roll . Dream Girl of Pi Kappa Alpha . Pi Beta Phi . 20.: . from Springfield, Mo. PHOTOS BY JIM KAROHL 27 L. G. BALFOUR CO. Julie's ain't she?" "Yeah." "Where ya think he'll take her? Ain'tcha worried?" "Naw, I ain't worried," said Sodd. "He'll take her home. Spook has an understanding about things like that. He's been around a lot, you know ." "Yeah? Well, if he's been around a lot, where's his-" "Can it, boy," Dingdong clap- ped a hand over Tom's mouth, "I already heard that one. ." THE END They had driven some distance when he turned to her and said, "Are you a Camel or a Chester- field girl?" Puzzled, she replied, "Why, what do you mean?" "What I mean is do you satis- fy, or do you walk a mile." * * * She was only an undertaker's daughter, but could she ever lower the bier. * * * I was out with a stuffed shirt last night but on her it looked good. * * The birds were chirping sweetly, The sun beamed on my bed, But all I thought that Monday morn, Is this balloon, my head? * On one beer I got happy, On two-and it's no fable, I dreamt I wore my Maidenform When I went out to the Stable. First cow: "Where are all the other girls today?" Second cow: "Oh, they're all over having a bull session." * * The man who invented the davenport should be a happy man . . millions have been made on it. And then, there's the one about the co-ed who had to leave school because her slip was beginning to show. Then there were the two cor- puscles who loved in vein. *** With necklines getting lower and skirts getting shorter, it's a good thing the modern coed goes in for wide belts. He bought her a new sweater, then tried to talk her out of it. Sympathy is what one girl of- fers another in exchange for the details. A shoulder strap is a piece of ribbon that keeps an attraction from becoming a sensation. * * Shouted the evangelist: "Adul- tery is as bad as murder, isn't that right Sister Johnson?" Sister Johnson: "I don't right ly know, I ain't never murdered nobody." All right, so George Washington slept- Lafter Thoughts The old fashioned girl who spent evenings at home making rugs now has a daughter who weaves all over town. * * * Ad in paper-"Daughter, come home. All is forgiven. We're call- ing it Diploma because you brought it home from college." * * * Here I sit and fuss and fret While my seat is getting wet. It's enough to make me fume, Teacher, can't I leave the room? Why delay me when you know That I simply have to go. Really, teacher, I'm not feigning, My car top's down and it is rain- ing. And then there's the one about the co-ed who had to leave school because her slip was beginning to show. Sam: Believe me, my girl's plenty hot on the piano. Ham: Gosh, hasn't she got a sofa in her house? 29 I guess you didn't hear me. I said, 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' Frozen Gold Ice Cream Lamb's UPTOWN COFFEE SHOP Swami's Snorts A young blonde walked into a drug store and timidly approach- ed a clerk. "The baby tonic you advertise, does it really make babies bigger and stronger?" "We sell a lot of it and have never had a complaint," said the clerk. "Well. I'll try a bottle then," said the bride, and then left. A few minutes later she returned. went up to the same clerk and whispered: "I forgot to ask, who takes it, me or my husband?" * * * "My girl got a new car." "Chevrolet?" "Naw." Yes, I got out without anyone seeing me-what's up? "So your brother is a painter, eh?" "Yep." "Paints horses, I presume?" "Nope, paints men and women." "Oh, I see. He's an artist." "Nope. He just paints women on one door and men on the other. Barth's offers large selections in. McGregor Sportswear Nunn-Bush Shoes Arrow Shirts & Ties Stetson Hats Barth's LIFE SAVERS CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U.S. town names. Examples: From RYE, N.Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pairings as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relationship be- tween the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $5. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes. Contest closes December 31, 1951. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning combin- ations may be used in future ad- vertisments, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties duplicate prizes will be award- ed. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHESTER, N.Y. * * * First Cow: "Where are the rest of the girls?" Second Cow: "They're over in the other pasture having a bull session." SHOWBOAT Life Savers Ina Tharp Florist "It's Krendell- poor beggar's been having beastly luck lately." "No, I haven't seen your little boy." filched " . . and please don't ever let me express another opinion of my own in class . . " Where the Hell's my laundry? Lunacy SHOWME's theme this trip is The Decline and Fall of Higher Education. How very nice. Ex- cept that this leaves us complete- ly cold. For we hadn't noticed that education rose. When? Where? As we look about this staid, impressive campus, we find no change. Those same substan- dards remain here still. We still have Economics textbooks deck- ed out with sentences that ram- ble for two or three pages and are crammed with fog wards. And we still get our supply of freshman English instructors from the placement bureau of the Society for Underprivileged Dis- placed Persons. They ticha dis stuf, but they no spika it. At least we still have a fine School of Journalism with its fine laboratory newspaper. Re- cently, this fine laboratory news- paper ran a fine laboratory fea- ture story entitled, "I Picked Apples at McBaine." This story, fascinating through- out, dealt with a young man who arose early one Sabbath, journeyed to McBaine, andpick- ed apples. Unfortunately, they were not laboratory apples. But they were good eatin' apples, and this guy picked, picked, and picked. After he had picked, he was given some nice money. And after the laboratory news- papermen found out about this escapade, they told this young man to type, type, and type. And then they printed. And everyon enjoyed the story so very, very, much. Didn't they? Neither are most University sorority girls making a dime. Men are taking a "lay fair" at- titude toward them. Before ac- cepting blind dates with these Lust and frails, males used to ask: "Is she good looking? Does she have a nice put-together? Is she corn- fed? Does she like tall grass?" Now they want to know if she is with car. Dolls with four- wheeled personalities are selling this year like hot diplomas. Those with Nashs can really be choosey. This year many students here are restless. The old guard is gone, they say, so 'wot hops' now for laughs.Some have tried going to classes, but the newness and freshness of that soon wore off. The answer seems to lie in new casual, red-blooded college stunts You know Tripod? That tradi- ditional three-legged canine? Some wish to lop off his remain- ing three stems and dangle him about town from the rear of an auto. Lampe And one male Greek outfit came up with a jewel. They be- gan putting a heroin compound in their dear housemother's early morning cereal. This they con- tinued, gradually increasing the does until she became subordin- (Continued on page 36) SUSIE STEPHENS BY Herb green By George--Stephens girls are different! 33 ated to the stuff. Then-they cut her off and gleefully watched its effect. We became so alarmed about this football situation one day that we went down to the armpit haven and volunteered our serv- ices as a flat back. Everyone was very nice, and said definitely to come back this winter. "It'll be a cold day when we use you," they said. An Ag lodge, the Mu Moo gang produced a clever little trick. One day last week they cruised by the modest home of the Alpha Loams, their arch rivals, and burped machine gun slugs into their neat living room. Fortun- ately, the Loams knew it was not intended to harm permantly rela- tions between the groups. They just smiled and buried their dead. "How nice," tthey said, "That the Mu Moos are thinking of us." * * * Have you said your three 'rahs' for today? TWA Tiger Club MODERN LINEN SUPPLY Swami's Snorts Adam and Eve were the first bookkeepers . . they invented the loose leaf system. * * * Didja hear about the gal who couldn't understand why she was blessed with twins, since she had never been on a double date. "How about a kiss?" "Sir, I have scruples." "That's okay, I've been vaccin- ated." * * Mary had a little car She drives it very brisk; But Mary doesn't care, you see She has only her * Wee Willis Winkle Runs through the town Upstairs and downstairs In her nightgown. Hey, there, Willis- I don't like to shout, But the Vice Squad'll getcha If you don't watch out. SAE, looking through telescope: "God." Another: "Aw g'wan; it isn't that powerful." THE CACKLE OF THE CO-ED Gee, it's swell I'm finally here, A freshman at Mizzou, I hope that grades which I will make Will bring me S.I.U. I'll work real hard and make all E's. And graduate next year. I'll be rich and famous, too When I launch on my career. And I'll be the queen of this and that, I'll go out every night, And maybe get a pin or two, From Jim or Bob or Dwight. Well, here I am a senior now, For five years, it's a fact, I've still to get that longed-for E, Nine honor points I lack. The only guys I ever date Are those we class as drips, The only pin I ever wore Was one to pin my slip. I feel so old and tired now It's raining and I'm drenched; I guess that I'm forever here, Just me and Jesse Wrench. -D.M. 35 CAMPUS VALET Contributors' Page peggy marak Showme's head huckster is tie vivacious Peggy Marak. She likes martinis and she sure looks cute when she blows her stack. A hab- it she indulges in with terrifying regularity. Don't get the wrong idea now. Most of the time she is the warm, sensitive, somewhat demure young woman she ap- pears to be. Only when one of the ad salesmen forget to see a poten- tial contract does she revert to type. Then all you can do is to secure and weather the thing out. Miss Marak has a passion for men from Yh-aale. One, in par- ticular, or so it is rumored. When we mentioned this fact to her she gave us that "One crack and I'll cut your heart out," stare. So we presume there must be some truth in the stories. Peg sacks out at the Delta Del- ta Delta house while she's here in Columbia and calls Maplewood for more money. She doesn't smoke. She hates cigars and has a tendency to laugh hysterically when overly tired. What color pajamas she wears, we don't know. And really, it's none of your business either. She has red hair, a very mild red and is a pretty darn terrific young woman. For once we can say-rah, rah, rah and mean it. bob skole The incomparable Skole. In this issue Swamie bids a nostalgic farewell to one of the most talented idiots that has ever pounded a typewriter for him We've read some of the stuff Charlie Barnard, Homer Croy and Hal Boyle had published in past Showme's. For our money Bob Skole has done stuff every bit as good. . when he's not suf- fering from a hangover. A car- toonist's dream at gag meetings, he has that rare ability to be feelthy, but not dirty. There's a big difference? However, even an expert can slip occasionally. Remember his story, "The Lid Was Up?" We were kicked out of Stephens for that literary gem. If you patronize any of Colum- bia's more popular taverns you're sure to have seen him. The short degenerate bum with the writer's cowlick he keeps flicking back out of his eyes. And guess what he's going to do when he finally matches his honor points and credit hours. Graduate and go, where all good little writers go, Paris, no less. And with a companion, yet. And best of all she's of the female gender. PHOTOS BY RUNDBURG Harzfeld's Camel Cigarettes