Missouri Showme February, 1952 Missouri Showme February, 1952 2008 1952/02 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195202

Missouri Showme February, 1952; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1952

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Missouri Showme "Why Fight It?" Issue Garland's Puckett's The Shack Julie's Letters Dear Editor, Your last issue of Showme was very good and I am writing to congratulate you. Especially I would like to congratulate the author of "Disintegration". I would like to see more like it and more of its author. Here is to your continued suc- cess in the field of good publi- cations. Sincerely yours, Moto Columbia, Missouri How many issues did you buy Mr. Moto-Ed Gentlemen: Up to this date we have not re- ceived the January issue of Showme. My son Charles, a graduate of '51 who is now in the army has not asked for much since he has been at camp, but one item he has asked for and it is Showme. I will very much appreciate, and I am sure Charles will too your seeing that the January is- sue is sent to me so that I can forward it to him. Thanking you, I remain, Kansas City, Missouri Yours truly, James Sacamano We'll get Patsy on it right away -Ed. Dear Sir; How do you feel about the new literary magazine SDX is back- ing? Columbia, Missouri Jim Boucher -How do you feel toward the Po- lice Gazette? Dear Editor, I enjoyed your last cover very much and would like to see more of its type. Showme has concern- ed itself with trivia for far too long. It is encouraging to see that on occasion your art staff can rise above the ordinary level of achievement they usually satiate themselves on. Edward Brocklust Columbia, Missouri Oh, Eddy, we're all so pleased. How many issues did you buy? -Ed But I was only trying to see if I could study by dim light, like Lincoln did. Dear Sir: Showme is a good enough mag- azine, O.K. But it would sure be better if you printed some of my stuff. Are you guys a closed lob- by or somethin. Huh, tell me, huh? Columbia, Missouri In the first place pal, you forgot to sign your name (or did you?) How can I tell your "stuff" hasn't been used if I don't know who you are. In the sec- ond place, some of your "stuff" may be in this issue, or it may be slated for the next one. SHOWME has published, on the average, of two new con- tributors every month. We need new writers, artists, gag- men and ad salesmen. There's always room. The SHOWME staff is, undoubtedly, the most "unclosed" organization on campus. Good luck, and don't forget to sign your name to your "stuff"-Ed. The Novus Shop Sudden Service Cleaners Tiger Laundry & Dry Dick Barnetts H.R. Mueller Florist Zymotics By Greller "Oh a kiss on the lip today is really detrimental, For we get nothing more than a blurb. The kiss is now extinct and there fore not as lethal- So we'll all have to adjust To a new sexless type of lust- The kiss is dying And the girls are crying "That it is no more than a means to an end" Who's end? Pear-shaped or square-shaped I'll even take is round shaped-- Kisses were a Misses best friend. It all begins in Hollywood-Sup- posed creators of the kiss su- perb- But because of her continual sexless blunders, the kiss has now been reduced to a blurb. And not only is the kiss passe, but it is threatening to become extinct. And through the reverse process of sex evolution, The kiss will soon be the new "Missing Link By next year the kiss'll be some- thing we read about-or see in a museum. It'll put an end to sexy songs, Hit parade will sound like a requi- em. The screen has always been a training ground for lovers young and old, And now that everything's cen- sored or cut-(or behind a hay- stack) The men are left in the cold. The breakdown of the kiss, Is the breakdown of our whole moral system- The Hayes office and such are defeating their own purpose by their process of suppression. Any girl will tell you that a kiss today will score a zero- Apparently the French import stopped with Pierre Aumont and Charles Boyer, And the girls are becoming inse- cure, frustrated, maladjusted and neurotic For they've always considered the kiss more than'just mere Latin Inter-play. A result of this kissless calamity is that marriage is becoming absurd, For instead of this spasmodic kissless displeasure, It would be one steady blurb. When a man in France comes homes from work, His wife re- ceives a production, When a man in the USA comes home, a tweak on the cheek 's the extent 'uv her disruption. America is dying and not the world, As the last Olympic Team proved, For our team representing the kiss; achieved the distinction of being the only one booed In the shot put we scored-In track we had them floored- Our skaters made them roar But when we kissed, they mere- ly got bored. In days of old, when silence was gold. In the days of the Silver Screen- (Continued on page 29) KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER DON L. SMALL G-E STORE Shaw & Sons DORN-CLONEY Brown Derby Editor's Ego This is purely a personal opin- ion. It does not reflect the policy of this magazine. It is not an in- dication of the attitude this mag- azine will pursue. However, speaking of the group, of the or- ganization as a whole, not of any of the individual members... furthermore, just between you and me .. i HATE pan-hell. They give me a big juicy head- ache. i CURSE pan-hell. They have caused me to lose weight, sleep and my supply of aspirin is running mightly low. Worst of all they have made Dude Haley fidgi ty, and he is making me fidgity, snarl. Before the year is over I have reached the point where I think Showme will run an issue consisting entirely of cartoons and jokes. The university wants culture... the students want fun- nies. The students buy the maga- zine.. the university does not buy the magazine. Hence, and so forth. "The human race must have been involved in some awful ab- original accident" . .. Cardinal Newman. That's funny some of the faculty feel the same way about Showme. * ** * The last two covers of this ma- gazine have pleased a small mi- nority and displeased a vast ma- jority of its readers. I urge you not to give up. Each time they were different minorities. Sooner or later, since everyone belongs to some minority or another, we'll get around to your cell. My roommate just left the rom. He's trying to study. Sincerely, Herb Knapp Gotta light Missouri Showme Your Campus Humor Magazine Contents Zymotics Is M.U. an Aggie Hatchery? ____ "Gin and Biscuits" ___ ---- ". and all the boys were whoop'en it up." The Lady's Not for Burnin' Filched Lunacy, Lust and Lampe ____ _- Staff Editor-in-chief: Herb Knapp; Editor-at-rest: Herb Green; Bus- ness Manager: Dude Haley; Advertising Director: Peggy Marak; Publicity Director: Hank Marder; Photo Editor: Jack Brown; Art Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Secretaries: Mary Ann Fleming, Joey Bel- lows, Mary Ann Dunn, Scottie Hickok, Patsy Reedy, Coo Coo Ry- an; Photos: Jim Gaskins, Jim Karohl, Marie Rundberg; Artists: Bill Andronicos, Carolyn Braznell, Bill Braznell, Hal McClain, Madge Fisher; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Bob Irwin, Joyce Greller; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotton, Lois Via; Circulation: Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Don Olson, Tom Walsh John Judge, Bob Hyde, Chuck Asley; Publicity: Pat Osgood, Herb Motersbach, Marty Brown; Advertising Art: Jean Ann Harrison. Volume 28 February, 1952 Number 6 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modem Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. Blackness and blackness and now only white, Finals and finals all through the night- Flunking and flunking, now I shall "mad it:" I can no longer fight it now that I've had it. 8 Around The Columns Misnomer An ancient Greek tells us that exchange dinners aren't what they used to be. "In the good old days," he says "we actually exchanged the din- ners. Our cook would take a bunch of victuals over to a soror- ity house and the other cook would cart a mess of stuff back. Man, that was the real thing. "These days, the dinners stay right where they are and the people get exchanged. It's a damned shame." Sick & Tired are we of the way some publica- tions criticize the local sports picture. The basketball team wins "although it hit only 20% of its shots" and the' guys just don't seem to do anything right. From here it looks like Sparky's boys-and this goes for other varsity sports as well-work a lot harder for their school than many a sportswriter-about-town. Red Lights Contrary to a general miscon- ception, the ones on Stephens campus indicate a radio station. At Last all three schools-Christian, Ste- phens, and The University- joined in a cultural undertaking of considerable note. The King David Oratorio, some notes of which are more considerable than others, was a success be- cause factions of all three music faculties-with a good University Chorus-made it possible. Heads Will Roll On February 7, 1952, Crowder Hall served a meal fit for human consumption. * * * I stopped traffic in my Maiden- form Bra. * * * The Real Thing When THE MISSOURIAN cov- ers a presidential race they don't kid around. Check -this January 25 headline: DEMOCRATS ASK TRUMAN TO RUN IN K.C. MEET Kinda makes you wonder who the dark horse will be. Liberal Education With a view to the real mean- ing of the above term, Stephens College (which is getting too big a play in this issue but we need the money) and The University will initiate an exchange student program next semester. This will send 500 Susies to fraternity row and 500 to the south dormitory group while the same number of men make the trek to LRW, Tower Hall, et al. The plan will tie in nicely with a "Marriage and the Family" course that gets the go-ahead next fall, although certain members of both boards of curators have indicated dis- approval of what they refer to as "the whole rotten mess." We have it on fairly reliable authority that the January fire in Wales Hall that ruined two beds and scorched four walls was not of cigarette origin. Cigar. To over-specialize is to be in- tellectually poor. * * * Serious Stuff "Savitar" a good year book that you'll someday be damn glad you bought, won't even get to the presses if you don't inquire pronto about your subscription. It's your yearbook and one of the few tangibles that'll keep O1' Mizzou with you after gradua- tion. Check in at one of the booths-about-campus or see Lar- ry Bartram at Read iall. :2nd floor. Overdue . Criticism One of the nicest things that can be said about the University Library is that they keep a lot of us in mail. 9 And one of the truest things that can be said about same is that it's pretty tough to get a book over here. Witness this attempt: -Party "A" fills out four call slips and hands them to Party "B", girl hand-writing expert. -Party "B" hands slips to Party "C", who disappears into the back room for an indefinite per- iod. -Party "C" eventually returns and says to Party "B" in low tones, "This one is in the Jeffer- son City Public Library. I can't find the rest" -Party "B" reepats this to Par- ty "A" and says, "Bring over the card catalogs on these three." (This means Party "B" doesn't think Party "A" can read.) -Party "A" lugs card catalogs over to Party "B" and proves he can read quite well. "You can read quite well," says Party "B", "Do you want us to put these on Look-Up?" "What's Look-Up?" "We look the books up." (Par- ty "A" has never heard it ex- pressed so well.) "When?" "Well-we might look them up tomorrow. Then if we find them we can notify you the next day- no, that's Saturday-we can send out the notice on Monday-you should get it Tuedsay-" "And I can get the book on Wednesday?" "Maybe." "Maybe?" "Well, we might not have it-" (It gets to be a regular game after a while.) KARSCH FOR PRESIDENT or Who the Hell is Taft? From shore to shoal, from rock to crag There comes a mighty cry, It echoes loud, from vale to vale, And rebounds from the sky- We want KARSCH for President Up sweeps the Word, it thunders loud, And Harry paces the floors at And Harry paces the floods at night, While Big Earl can only quake. Oh, it's KARSCH for President The multitude takes up the chant, The Dispatch soon quits its view; Missouri is wild about its boy, who Gives promise of something new: They want KARSCH for President Republicans have gone insane. The Demos mourn loud and long; To no avail they beat their breasts And succumb to his siren song. Oh, its KARSCH for President The electorate gives Taft the shaft And votes a "phooey" to Dewey; They soon spike Ike, and vote nary for Harry, And won't buy Warren's hooey- They want KARSCH for President Wild students build their great huge fires, And hold their rallies late And shout the name of KARSCH on high And on Stassen vent their hate- And cry "KARSCH for President" Mizzoo's Pol Sci will save the day The Russian Bear he'll tame, So, students, stand up and shout the Word, To all the world proclaim; We want KARSCH for President Inquiring Professor As this went to press, Colum- bia Cops were still looking for a "Professor Wilson of Washington University" who was giving young ladies free automobile rides in exchange for informa- tion about "love, sex and girls." Looks like they can get him for impersonating a student. For that extra long vacation: Save your cuts for finals week. Freddy, I cannot tell a lie. Fellow Cribbers The students got together downstairs in the library last month for a session on cheating, a topic about which no other group is so thoroughly versed. There was no real life-sized, 100% conclusion, but a round of applause went to an upperclass- man who contended that 80% of us cheat when given the chance, including Phi Beta Kappas. We have not polled the local PBK's but they'll probably lie their way out of it when we do. So we don't. Anyway, the 80% estimate is probably not ridiculously high, even though people who rant and rave and perspire and throw their arms into the air on behalf of moral integrity prefer to think otherwise. They like to believe that only about 30% of us cheat. but let's face it. we're a much crummier lot than that. That's why, as foolish as a re- cent SGA proposal may look on the surface, it's a smart move to keep examinations in heavy steel vaults and away from the curi- ous eyes of everyone, including those of authority and position who are often prone to be care- less and in some cases of the same moral fiber as the rest of us. And surveillance can't cut out at the end of the mimeograph-to- vault process. Correct classroom procedure should require a good 25-cent proctor, one who walks forth & back amongst us, trust- ing no one and bent on crushing the first one who opens his mouth notebook, cigarette case, or any- thing else. It is not out of intel- lectual or scholar-wise respect that there is no cribbing in, let us say by way of example, Col. DeWeerd's Contemporary Eur- ope Class. There is no cheating because the professor is six-feet- three-inches tall and carries a telephone pole in his right hand. And there he literally holds much of the answer to whatever cribbing question there happens to be. * * * Somebody's been complaining about the number of obits on the front page of The COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN. Whadaya want-- news? The Teacher and Educational Ad- ministration Revis and Judd, page 423 "If those who have qualified themselves for' teaching experi- ence difficulty in finding posi- tions they are often greatly dis-- couraged and lose their morale." We had no idea. Didums hurt- ums verry bad whenums losties his moraleses "Many morphological studies have been omitted because they dealt primarily with sexuality and offered little information on the development of the ascocarp." -From Taxonomy of Pyrenomy- ceres, by E. S. Luttrell. Published by the University of Missouri Board of Curators, Vol. XXIV, The University of Missouri Stud- ies, No. 3. Though there is a difference between Mr. Luttrell's profound work and SHOWME, we are proud to face some of the same problems. We, too, are forced to omit many "studies" because they deal primarily with "sex- uality". We didn't realize the Un- iversity was concerned with the morality of ascocarps. It's en- couraging. Someday the students and the ascocarps will unite and then, by jimminy, we'll show those censors. By jimminy, we will. Negative Hours are a good thing. They keep us consolidated, of one body, cohe- sive together--here. We don't rush off to our families and run the risk of highway mishap, train wreck, or airplane crash. We stay in Columbia and breathe the clean air. Who says the board of curators is a pack of idiots? I do so declare.J.A. 11 Just WHAT, did you 'JUST HAPPEN" to remember? The Empress Playhouse-St. Louis, featuring the finest of Broadway's hit plays with such New York and Hollywod stars as Lon McCal- lister, Joan Caulfield, John Ireland, Joanne Dru, Joan Blondell, John Garfield, Burgess Meredith, Eve Arden, Edward Everett Horton, Joe E. Brown, Wanda Hendrix, Franchot Tone and Constance Bennett. here on the stage of the Empress Playhouse the "Showme Queen" will be given the opportunity to dis- play her dramatic ability under the expert direction of Mr. Robert Perry. Above. .William Eythe and Gale Storm go through a rehearsal for their co-starring role in the Em- press Playhouse presentation of "Gramercy Ghost." St. Louis' NEW EMPRESS PLAYHOUSE Just around the corner CURTAIN TIME WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN THE MELBOURNE DINING ROOMS AND PICCADILLY COCKTAIL LOUNGE Announcing the biggest most rewarding most FAMOUS most exciting most competitive most IMPORTANT queen contest of the University of Missouri THE Showme Queen Finalists prize THE M.C. Dean Francis English, Dude Haley, Dr. Robert Karsh, Herb Knapp, Mr. Joseph Schwabe Henry Marder * APPEARANCE AT THE EMPRESS THEATRE * A TV DEBUT * A RADIO SHOW * TOUR OF ST. LOUIS * THE GOVERNOR'S SUITE OF THE HOTEL MELBOURNE * A COCKTAIL PARTY GIVEN BY THE OFFICIALS OF THE CROSLEY CORP. * GIFTS FROM LEADING MANUFACTURERS * MEETING CELEBRITIES, STARS, AND IMPORTANT OFFICIALS * SHOWME'S CONVERTIBLE CARAVAN INTO ST. LOUIS * MANY ADDITIONAL GIFTS FROM COLUMBIA MERCHANTS * SPONSORED BY THE MELBOURNE HOTEL OF ST. LOUIS This contest is open to ALL University women students Juanita Thurman Montine Click Mizzo's Most Beautiful The Finalists Jeanne Carpenter Susan East Barbara Jones Is M.U. and 'Aggie' Hatchery? In line with SHOWME'S policy of presenting cross-section of campus life and opinion we present a quasi-ag view of the campus. SHOWME is not An ti-Anything. We have attended some aggie parties that were in the finest party tradition of M.U. and are looking forward to presenting next month a reply. Get hot on those typewriters, boys, we'll print anything we can get by the censors. 16 (Ed. Note:) This information is presented to the students of the University and tothe people of Missouri in order to acquaint them more fully with this great University and to the people of general level of academic work. It is written plainly and simply, so that it may be read to Ag stu- dents.) Between the broad Missouri and the rustic Hinkson Rivers lies the quaint, yet modern, edu- cational institution of the Univer- sity of Missouri, a formidable monument to the memory of Johnny Appleseed and his disci- ples, the First Pioneers of Mis- souri. Inhabited, for the most part, by a quaint tribe of Homo Missouri- us Aggricultus, popularly known as "Ags," the University offers a wide variety of majors for the enterprising student, such as Ag- riculture, Agricultural Engineer- ing, Agricultural Journalism, Ag- ricultural Economics, Agricultur- al Geology, Agricultural Educa- tion, Agricultural Biology and Agricultural Interpretation of Ancient Greek Mythology. But all work and no play makes Ruben a dull farmhand, so the University has seen to it that a full round of social events high- lights the academic year, some of which are the Ag Students Ball. the Barnstorming, the Farmers' Flair, and the Carouse-all. This program is supplemented by less publicied events like weekly hay- rides and corn-shucking, plowing a-straight-furrow and hog-calling contests. The last-named event has gained great favor in recent years, as is evidenced by the many individual jousts which spring up in various places at rather widely diversified hours. Nor does the University take a back seat in Intercollegiate ath- letic contests. The Horseshoe Pitching team produced three major-leaguers from last year's squad, while Calf-Roping and Bull-Throwing teams were un- disputed champions at the Inter- collegiate Rodeo. Big improve- ments are expected for the '52-'53 season. Those prospective students wishing to join an organized so- cial group, such as a fraternity or sorority, will not be disappointed in the University's program. The Pan-Hell organization offers, for instance, the Amazon chapter of Nu Delta for women students, and the Rho Dammit Rho, which is especially concerned with those men students interested in farming bottomland near the Mis- souri or Mississippi. Those wish- ing to remain Independent may join the Freelance Farmers of Armenia, who raise Shish-ke-bob to export to Stanford U. Various publications are offer- ed for the budding Ag Journ writer, such as the Agricultural Missourian and the Ag Student. Those students interested in ear- thy humor will find an open field in the Plow-Me a student maga- zine. A small minority of the student at the University are "non-Ag" and occasionally rumors circulate that an academic revolution is in the wind, but even "non-Ags" concur heartily that the vast ag- ricultural program gives the Uni- versity a certain very distinct air. As for weather, the University is situated very nicely. Some 800 feet above sea level, it has dry summers, cool autumns, stimulat- ing winters and damp, rainy springs with brisk, tangy breezes. The prospective student need ABOUT THE AUTHOR . Steve Stone: Junior, English- Journalism major, transfer from Muir College (Pasadena, Cal.) Returns to the Land of Sunshine and UCLA after one semester at Mo. Is addicted to girls, writing, and track; hopes to combine the three. not worry about finding adequate companionship at the University, for it is known far and wide as the friendly school. A fellow Uni- versity Ag student can be spotted a block away-upwind, two blocks. In short, the University tries to offer the prospective student a "home away from home." So, as we leave the beautiful University of Missouri, with the sun sinking slowly in the West and the sound of "Whoooooeeee" fading in the distance, we say farewell to the modern counter- part of the Promised Land (Cher- nozem, that it) THE END Suppose to be knee high by July-but Hell-whose knee! 17 Gin and Biscuits . and all the boys were whoop'en it up. (Swamie's end-of-the-semester banquet) The "Killer" describing her last holdup to a fan Greller is stuck with us Fi-Fi gives the boys at tableside a break . loads of fun Plenty of free pop and wheaties for all. 20 The one on the left is married The Lady's Not for Burnin' By Bob Erwin I'm not a prejudiced guy. I want you to understand that from the first. In fact I'm prob- ably the least prejudiced guy I know. I make that saint or what- ever he was that kissed the leper look like a piker. Not that I'm a promiscuous kisser or anything. It's just that I'm not a prejudiced guy. When people spit tobacco on the carpet or break light bulbs against the wall or belt their wife over the ears it doesn't bother me. I admit that spittle and glass and pieces of wives knock hell out of a guy's shoeshine, but I ain't prejudiced against dirty shoes. I will say though that seeing Dorothy all exposed like that did irritate me some. I don't mind seeing a blonde with her clothes off, but when she sits around without any flesh on it peeves me. A good looking girl like Doro- thy shouldn't get herself mixed up in any such shennanigans. Like I say, I'm not a prejudiced guy and leave and let leave and all that, but still she shouldn't have exposed herself so. A girl who stripped in front of as many people as Dorothy did should know when to leave well enough alone. It wasn't all Dorothy's fault because my partner had a lot to do with it, but she could have been more modest. I guess maybe I ought to in- troduce myself before I tell the story. My name is Gustavus Grotch and that's the way I'm known professionally and on bail bonds, but I'm usually called Gus. I'm in show business, nightclub and vaudeville stuff, and if I do say so myself I have one of the best acts of them all. I never got a chance at the big time because I don't have a funny nose or tell smutty jokes oi anything. With me this show business is pure art and if the world doesn't want to recognize my genius that's the world's loss. I produce and direct the act but I shouldn't take all the cred- it because my partner is an ex- pert in his field and really sells the thing. His name is Simple O' Goole and he is even more of an artist than me. Simple O'Goole and I do a two men in an act. You've sen a two men in a horse act I'm sure, which is the same thing we do except we have a complete repetoire of animals. There's hardly an animal Simple and I haven't been two men in with conviction and finesse. This Simple O'Goole is really a joy to watch. He plays the hind quarters in our act, and no hind- quarters man in the trade can match his enthusiasm. Whatever (Continued on page 25) 21 Swami's Snorts SUSIE'S SUMMER LOVE My love and I Walked hand in hand About the wooded Wonderland. And now I walk The wood alone, My love is gone- With summer flown. But laugh I must For now I know: It's easy come And easy go. LIFE AI'NT NO BOWL OF CHERRIES Joe figured maybe staying out, Was cutting up his grades; So now he's always home by two And still his honors fade. He studies hard no-bout-a-doubt Don't drive his Cad convert; And yet his teachers tell him, "Joe, This 'F's your just desert." "I guess I'm in a rut," claims he, 'Tll never pass I fear.' "Well what the hell," I counsel him; "Set up another beer!" Jay Bee One carton of CHESTER- FIELDS will be awarded each month to the person submitting the best joke to be run in this column each month. Address all entries to SHOWME, 302 Read Hall. This month's winner is Mr. Bob Sloan, 500 College. Once there was a little moron named Time. He joined the Army and when the sergeant said march, he marched. When the sergeant said halt he went right on marching. Because Time always marches on. Thank you Mr. Sloan. 22 WATCH OUT FOR THAT RED (CAMPUS) PROPAGANDA So you're tired of the traffic on Strollway? You think using the tunnel is droll, hey? Listen here, and bewail A sad, painful tail That resulted from using that hole, hey. A gal who decided to trot 'em Found the tunnel steps slicker'n she tho't 'em. The poor feet made a slip- The poor hands lost their grip- The poor kid landed right on the bottom! We, in thinking how badly it stunned 'er, as- Sume you'll never copy her blun- der, lass. For, in spite of the sign Crossing Strollway is fine- And it's SAFER than using the un- derpass. Janice Home MORE ON LETTERS It wasn't from his draft board, He knew he wasn't drafted- 'Twas a letter from his Susie, And man! did he get shafted! S.S. * * * A LETTER FROM HIS SUSIE A letter from his Susie, in hand so soft and neat- He thought his heart would near- ly burst so loudly did it beat. A letter from his Susie in the merry time of Spring- Spring Rest and April Showers had made his heart to sing. A letter from his Susie, the world was right again- His pounding pulse beat in his ears with shaking, vibrant din. His trembling hand broke ope' the seal, he scanned the message bright- "Dear John, I don't know how to say this-don't know what to write-" S.S. "Why were you running away from that parked car last night?" "I wasn't running, I was being chaste." Oh look Darling! The man across the way has just the kind of opera glasses I've always wanted. I looked into her limpid eyes And she gazed deep in mine- Whispering, "Why fight it, dear Your 'F' was genuine." *** Freudian repressions and other obsessions Force me to pleasures quite dras- tic, Between Susie's suspicions, lewd inhibitions, Profs, tests-I can't fight it-I'm spastic. A long time ago a feudal lord's son was having his own way with the wayward girls who lived on his father's property. When the old man heard of his son's do- ings, he approached him asking, "Son, I hear you are misbehav- ing." "In what manor, father?" was the reply. PROPOSAL O come with me and be my love, We'll live on an island together; Let us start out tomorrow, Depending, of course, on the weather. Oh Jawhn, I KNEW you'd understand Lafter Thoughts And now-a word from our sponsor Anthony: "Where is Cleopatra?" Maid: "She's in bed with appen- dicitis." Anthony: "Damn those Greeks." * * * And then there is the widow who wears black garters in mem- ory of those who have passed on. students are always busy usually going nowhere- teachers are always busy seeing that they get there *** a rose, is a rose, is a rose, is a rose but I am a it, am a He, am a Me you are a you, are a you,are a you but I am a intricate personality. * ** my first luv wash shweet an I wash nice my secound wash a gennleman he cin go fly a kite my third loves my best love caush hesh drunk and tight. I'm Coleman Wilson 23 AN ALL-STAR CAST! M.U.'s GREATEST SHOW THE SAVITAR FROLICS At Stephens College Assembly Hall TICKETS ON SALE AT: * Savitar Office (Read Hall) * Engine Building * Mumford Hall * B. & P.A. * Campus Jeweler * Barth's Clothing Store * Stephen's Ticket Office * Jesse Ticket Office PRICE: $1.00 Complimentary Seats Reserved 2 BIG SHOWS 8:00 p.m. Friday, February 29 8:00 p.m. Saturday, March 1 Featuring Bill Rau's Orchestra (Continued from page 21) animal we are being two men in Simple studies with patience and devotion till he knows each little wiggle and waggle. Flo Ziegfield once told Simple that he was the best horse's rear end of all time. Like I say, Simple is a real artist. It is only because I am such an artist and Simple is such an ar- tist and I am not a prejudiced guy that we have gotten along so many years. It's a great comfort "Even Her Sweaters are virgin wool" when I'm in a horse to know that Simple is holding up his end with authority, but offstage he is a real nerve racker. Partners in show business get to know each other like nobody else, which means they have to get along. Not being a prejudiced guy, I get along pretty well with everybody but Simple O'Goole surprised even me. You see Simple O'Goole is a pyromaniac. Not only that, he is an introverted pyromaniac. He is a very nice pyromaniac you un- derstand, but still a pyromaniac. A magician who was on the bill with us explained it all to me. This magician, who got drunk and read a lot, said Simple was a very interesting case because he was compelled to set things on fire but he was too shy to dam- age other people's property. I get worried when I look this pyro- mania stuff up in a book because when I find out it means firebug I am afraid Simple will burn up costumes, contracts, theatres, and everything else. But you can't pass up an artist like Simple, so I try him out as a partner. Simple and I got along without any trouble for about a month aft- er we teamed up. I watched him pretty closely, even slept with a fire extinguisher in my arms, but as far as I could tell he never did try to burn anything. I got to lik- ing him too much I guess, him being such a quiet timid guy, and forgot what the magician told me Me dropping my guard almost cost us two weeks at the old Or- pheum in St. Louis. The Orphe- um manager, a guy strictly with- out soul, wasn't too crazy about our act anyway, so we were out to impress him. I walk into Sim- ple's dressing room just before time to go on and there is Simple methodically lighting rolled up newspapers which he has tucked into his shirt. I run to the tap for water, but Simple, who is blazing merrily, screams for me to stop or he will jump out the window. The guy is really getting his kicks, which might be okay some other time, but we are due on- stage in three minutes. I appeal to his finer instincts and say Simple the show must go on. This brings out the artist in him and he reluctantly lets me put him out. I smear a little grease on him, we jump into our horse costume, and knock that St. Louis audience dead. I should tell you sometime what a success we were in St. Louis. After that first time I knew what to expect from Simple. It wasn't that he would hurt any- body; he was far too shy for that. He just loved to see things burn so much that he'd set himself on fire. It was a terrible job taking care of him. With an alchoholic or a dope addict a guy has maybe a chance of finding the bottle in the chandelier or the needle un- der the sofa, but with a guy like Simple there's no way of stop- ping him. Many's the time I've turned around to find Simple has asked some guy for a light and I was using it for a bookmark- stuck his nose into a cigarette lighter. Winter was always the worst because Simple would sneak off to the basement and try to crawl in the furnace. Even the summer was dangerous. One (Continued on page 26) NOW then, Mr. Hinkle, WHICH cigarette did you find definitely less irritating? 25 (Continued from page 25) time I took Simple to the beach and he ended up focusing a mag- nifying glass on himself. You might wonder why even an unprejudiced guy like me would put up with Simple. Those fire binges of his did get me down like the time he disguised himself as a corpse and tried to get put in the crematorium, but he never let his hobby interfere with the act. Even when he was swathed in bandages and fifty per cent of his skin gone Simple was the best hindquarters man on the boards. Like I say, he was a real artist. It's too bad that real artists like myself and Simple were nev- er apprciated by the public. We were so far ahead of the pack that we collapsed before vaude- ville did. Things got so bad we had to stow away on a boat to South America. The trip to Rio was horrible because Simple kept trying to crawl out from under- neath the lifeboat tarpaulin. He was determined to get a good scorching sunburn at least. When we landed in Rio things began to look up. These people down here recognize Simple and I as artists. We got a job right away at the Hotel Amazonas as floor show entertainers. This Ho- tel Amazonas is a plush spot in the heart of the Amazon valley. The service is deluxe-hot and cold running anteaters, roast headhunters under glass, alliga- tors for guests who wrestle, the works. Naturally the old two men in a horse act wasn't good enough for Hotel Amazonas, so we worked as two men in an aardvark. Simple took early morning walks in the jungle practicing aardvarking till he reached perfection, then we de- cided to add a girl to the act to give it a little more class. That's how we met Dorothy. Dorothy was a big blonde with the kind of build that adds adjec- tives to the language. I never did find out what Dorothy was doing in South America, but she took the job with us at Hotel Amaz- onas because some Jivaro chief up on the headwaters had given Then that guy says, "Gimme a tall one-I wanta drown my sorrows". her the pitch. Dorothy couldn't be classified as an artist, but she had a nice smile and she pleased the customers by just sort of let- ting her clothes fall off. She was an eyecatcher that made people set down their curare highballs and watch the aardvark. Dorothy had been propositioned in all the major dialects of the western hemisphere and had accepted in most of them. I guess that's why a shy guy like Simple appealed to her. Simple and Dorothy went for each other just like that. Before Dorothy joined us Simple had developed the habit of playing cannibal by boiling himself in a pot, but three days with Dorothy and he swore off. He wouldn't even take a match. I didn't have the heart to tell Dorothy about Simple because she thought he was such a nice little man. I even hoped that Simple might really reform. Simple and Dorothy got more and more serious as the nights under the jungle moon passed by. One night when we were under the aardvark Simple told me he was going to propose to Dorothy. I didn't say anything though that kind of a proposal must have been a novelty to her. Aft- er the last show they strolled off hand in hand with Simple carry- ing a small box which I assumed held the engagement ring. The next day I find out what Simple and this babe had done. I'm up early and there's Dorothy (Continued on page 28) Why Mrs. Smither, whatever made you think there was anyone out here but me? 26 Oh my God! My clapper broke. filched "Make a wish." from the Dartmouth JACKOLANTERN "Yorgoff, darlink, ve bane gone too fur dis time." "He decided to go now, so it wouldn't interfere with his education." (Continued from page 26) sitting in the patio without any flesh on. Simple is sitting beside her kind of puzzled. Between them rests the open ring box holding a miniature acetyline torch. Simple, loving Dorothy as he loves nobody else, has given her his prize possession, a three thousand degree flame right down the middle. Like I say, I'm not a prejudic- ed guy, but this dame letting Simple take her flesh off irked me... somewhat. THE END Mummy, sing me a lullaby." "Hold my beer for me, and I"ll try to get one on the radio." * * * A gay young Parisian de Laine Long courted an heiress in vain, When he said, "now or niver!" She answered, "Au river!!" So he promptly, of course, went in Seine. "Want to stop the car and eat, sweetheart?" "No, pet." Son: "Say Ma, what's the idea of making me sleep up here every night?" Mother: "Hush, Bobby, you only have to sleep on the mantle- piece two more weeks and then your picture will be in Believe- It-Or-Not." Circus actress: "You know, sir, this is my first day with the circus. You'd better tell me what to do to keep from making mis- takes." Manager: "Well, for one thing, don't ever undress in front of the bearded lady." ** Deep Southern boys like to neck and Hector was no exception "Honey, would yo mind if ah kissed yo'all?" he asked softly. "Ain't my lips enough?" angri- ly snapped his date. ** It was not a slow lecture. It was not a fast lecture. It was a half-fast lecture. As the regiment was leaving and a crowd down at the Union Station as cheering, a recruit asked: "Who are all those people and why are they cheering." "They," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not going." "Waiter, what's wrong with these eggs?" "Don't ask me, sir, I only laid the table." Some are Scotch by birth, oth- ers by absorption. * Baby-Something with a lot of noise on one end, and a complete lack of responsibility on the other WAERS Crossroads Liquors (Continued from page 5) When Rudolph grabbed and em- braced Theda Bara, The audi- ence panted and screamed. By the time they got to the kiss, The audience was even too weak to hiss- Which all just goes to show, There's more to it than you gents know In Fabiola we saw that those Greeks cold do it, too, Even the banquet tables became a place for rendevous. Stromboli andc The Brave Bulls created an exciting trickle, It takes a foreign movie to bring us something sexicle. But the kiss has lost its signifi- cance in its recent purge by Hollywood, And the little pecks of Clift and Brando are doing no one any damn good! THE END Here's to the tailor's daughter. She's the only thing he ever made to fit me. * * * She liked her trousseau. He liked her torso. That's why her trousseau was toreso. She-"Oh look: the bridesmaid!" He--"So soon?" He: "I had a dream about you last night." She: "Did you?" He: "No, you wouldn't let me." *** Two English gentlemen were standing waiting for someone to come from the powder room. A moment later two women walked out. The first Englishman said, "Oh, I say, what do you know about that. Here comes my wife with my mistress." The second Englishman said, "By Jove, you took the words right out of my mouth." Frozen Gold Ice Cream Neukomms The Blue Shop Swami's Snorts Some people sow their wild oats on Saturday nights and then go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure. Two mosquitoes were resting on Robinson Crusoe's arm. I'm leaving now," said one. "I'll meet you on Friday." To the woods, to the woods. No. no. To the woods, to the woods. But it's dark in there. To the woods, to the wods. But Mother said I mustn't. To the woods, to the woods. I'll scream, I'll scream. How loud can you scream? eeeh, eeh. To the woods, to the woods. She wore her stocking. inside out All through the summer heat. She said it cooled her off to turn The hose upon her- feet. * * * I suppose you know your laun- dry bill is due Then there was the guy'from Gentry Hall who stepped up to the bar very optimistically, and two hours later went away very misty optically. A college professor had check- ed out of his hotel and before get- ting more than a few blocks away realized that he had left his umbrella. Returning to the hotel and approaching the room he had just vacated, he learned that a newly wed couple had taken the room. They were in that baby-talking stage, and as the professor peek- ed through the keyhole, he saw the groom kiss the bride and heard him say: "Whose 'ittle mouth is that?" "Yours, darling,'" she assured him. "And whose 'ittle hands?" he asked, kissing them. "Yours, of course, dearest," she replied. "Listen here, young fellow," called the impatient professor through the transom, "when you come to an umbrella, it's mine." LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U.S. town names. Examples: From RYE, N. Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pair- ings as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relation- ship between the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes- Contest closes June 30, 1952. All entries should arrive at Life Sav- ers, Port Chester, not later than June 30, 1952 to qualify. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning com- binations may be used in future advertisements, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N.Y. Life Savers Swami's Snorts "How is it you aren't wearing your ear muffs?" "I haven't worn them since the accident." "What accident?" "Somebody offered me a drink and I didn't hear him." Then there was the sculptor who put his model to bed and chisled on his wife. Girls are just like cigarettes, A fact you will admit; You can't enjoy them properly Until you get them lit. * * Fractured French place aux dames-ladies room grand pas-seduction femme de ballon-bubble dancer ,pur sang-lousy music valse-falsie jus gan'ti-um-men only a la belle etoile-to the ladies room tout est bonne-Bonny is tight again et hoc-it's pawned 0 * 0 Southerner: "Ah wants a ticket for Virginny." Station Agent: "What part?" Southerner: "All of her, she's my daughter." Then there was the absent- minded professor who forgot to write a $5.50 book to sell to his class. Some girls are cold sober. Oth- ers are always cold. Then there were the two nud- ists who quit going steady be- cause they were seeing too much of each other. Missouri Showme CAMPUS JEWELERS Ina Tharp Florist Girl of the Month. Judy Klawans Assistant director of Carou- sel. Assistant producer of Savitar Frolics. A.W.S. Careers Conference . . Deans Honor Roll . . . Workshop Board . Junior and Senior Pan-Hell . . . Pledge Trainer Vice President, President of Alpha Epsilon Phi Social So- rority. Y.W.C.A. . Red Cross Council . . . 20 . Roscoe, Mo. Boy of the Month. Terry Rees Alpha Delta Sigma . Pres- ident of J. School. Kappa Sigma Social Fraternity. Art Director Read Hall . Art Director Savitar Frolics . . . Distinguished Military Student . . . Ex Showme staffer. .21 . Columbia. 32 Lunacy Why do these people wish to change Rollins Ave. to Javelin Lane and Richmond Ave. to Broad Street? Is it due to the several sororities located on each? The Missouri Student, the or- iginal facsimile newspaper, con- tinued to courageously print 'News About You' throughout January. But we were startled to see one of their big bold headlines read: "University Strikes Blow at Cheating." Mustering all the calmness we could, we phoned a Lieutenant in the student under- world. "Is it true," we squawked hoarsely, "Is it true that the Uni- versity struck a blow at cheat- ing?" "Certainly not," he said reas- suringly. "Was it close?" we asked. "Certainly not," he said, "Those imbeciles have not the slightest knowledge of our Plan D." Plan D, it comes out, is made available only to those initiated into the underworld group. A member, after paying $200, can completely relax for the remain- der of his college career. He need not attend classes or take quizzes When it comes time for gradu- ation, a little introvert who plays with the IBM machines in the bowels of Jesse Hall is approach- ed..In return for some high coin, he produces a transcript contain- ing, among other things, 120 hours and 120 dandy honor points. If the editors of Time made a study of University men students they would probably come to the conclusion that they fall into two types. Lust and Type A arises at 6 every AM, goes through health exercises, then dons an orange sportshirt made of cheesecloth, purple silk slacks, bright red plastic socks that glow in the dark, and black patent leather shoes. Type A attends all classes, takes down every word instruc- tor says. After classes he attends meetings on racial discrimination and cheating among students. Type A's evening is spent stud- ying. He usually retires shortly after midnight. Upon graduation Type A takes job as librarian's assistant at $120 per month. Type B arises at 9:30, slips in- to cashmere button-down shirt, cashmere slacks tailored by Dar- off, Mongolian cashmere sweat- er, cashmere argyles and cash- mere Scotch-grained shoes. He cuts all classes, trips in- stead to Gaebler's where he spends remainder of morning and early afternoon hours drinking Lampe coffee, smiling, and patting girls --often on somewhat private parts of their anatomies. Remainder of afternon is spent drinking beer with one of the girls he patted earlier in day. Returning to his residence for evening meal, he is still sober, (Continued on page 34) SUSIE STEPHENS By herb green ..And just WHAT, dah-ling is a "pen-pal?" BRADY'S (Continued from page 33) yet kicks kahndly cleanin' wo- man. Type B's evening is spent drinking whiskey, usually with girl who accompanied him in aft- ernoon. Often he seduces eve- ning date into signing out in or- der to take advantage of roman- tic early morning hours. Type B usually retires at dawn. Upon graduation, he takes position as junior executive, earns $500 per month plus liber- al expense account. Fortunately we were able to spend some time this past month in the University student clinic, Little Dixie's challenge to the Mayo brothers. We heard many atrocity stor- ies, but the topper was this: Patient X entered clinic, prob- ably against better judgment, after injuring knee. The injury was very painful, causing X to moan, groan. Doctors were called They rushed him to operating room-and removed his appen- dix. We wonder if they apologized. We spent many days in the clinic and they were all wonder- ful. Everyone paid so much at- tention to us. Every third day a porter would come by and wink. That little act of kindness kept us going. After a week the porter came in. But it was just to bring fresh water. And then one morning at dawn an old witch woke us up. Feeling smart-alecky, we said, "What d'ya want, baby, blood?" But the witch had a quick come- back that was a conversation stopper. She said yes. We had a radio and eagerly followed the adventures of Capt. Henrik Kurt Carlsen. We felt we were going through similar hells. But we were always safer than Capt Carlsen. Our ship definite- ly was not going to sink. Not a single rat had left the room since we arrived. Finally a gnome with St. Vitus Dance danced in. He had maple syrup stains on his shirt and tie and some had dried on his chin. The sight of the maple syrup made us very hungry. "I am a doctor," he said in Hungarian, "And I have just had breakfast and I am not the least bit concerned about your case." For a Polynesian, he spoke Hungarian well. "That's fine," we said, "But could we see some one who is?" Before leaving, we learned that the witch had a racket. She takes a fifth of blood from each patient, uses a few shots for tests then peddles the remainder on the red market. Reportedly, she was earning $400,000 annually before taxes. A bloody racket, indeed. Woolf Brothers Swami's Snorts As the FBI agent passed thru the village he noted amazing evi- dence of target shooting. There were numberless bullseyes on fences with a bullet hole exactly through the center. He wanted to meet the marksmen and was in- troduced to the village idiot. "How do you shoot like that?" he asked. "Easy," was the answer, "I shoot first and draw the circle afterwards." * * * He: "What are my chances with you?" She: "Two to one. There's you and me against my conscience." Little Miss Muffet decided to rough it, In a cabin quite old and medie- val, A rounder espied her and plied her with cider And now she's the forest's prim- eval. .* A none too prosperous London clergyman reluctantly accepted the offer of a commercial firm to supply his congregation with free books containing the standard hymns, with the stipulation that a little advertising might be in- jected. When the books arrived, the minister was overjoyed to find the books contained no ad- vertising matter at all. But on the following Sunday he was horrified to hear the following hymn: Hark! The herald angels sing, Murphy's pills are just the thing: Peace on earth and mercy mild "I'm making an S of myself," said the little noodle as he jump- ed into the alphabet soup. The Jacqueline Shop Contributors' Page lois via The other half of the "NOT TOO DIRTY OR CENSORS WILL CUT-NOT TO CLEAN OR KNAPP WILL CUT-SO HOW CAN YA' WIN? JOKES INC." is Lois Via. This fall at the outset of her 7th brilliant year at the Big State U., and having a total of 83 credit hours (with the exception of a passing grade in remedial English), Lois enlisted in the U.S.A.F. (Ubangle Showme's African Farce). Now, boasting a service record of five weeks, she is the oldest veteran on the Showme staff. Lois modestly attributes her success as a gag writer to the adventures she experienced as a "traveling saleswoman". At any rate, she has been turning out some sixty or seventy "giggle getters" each month (of which about forty are politely refused in an undying effort to keep Mis- souri's moral standards up in the gutter). The attractive young education senior will graduate in June and is planning to teach in Hawaii (small fishing village off coast or San Francisco). Lois is 21 years old, lives in Webster Groves, Mo., and eats at the Tri Delt House. 36 jack brown Jack (watch th' bold, dammit!) Brown is this year's photo editor for the Showme. An up and com- ing young film neurotic, he as- sumed command of Showme's "cheese" department after work- ing on the staff for only two months. Jack's mania for photography started at the age of six weeks, when he was wounded by a cam- era while posing for a Famous Barr Portrait. Since that unfor- tunate incident three years ago, the boy has developed an uncan- ny ability with his "third eye." Prominent among his outstand- ing achievements are shots of: Margaret Truman in the bathtub, and Jesse Wrench wearing a French-roll double breasted suit with pegged pants and orange threadneetles. A native of Braymer, Missouri, Jack is 19 years old, a D.U., and student in Arts & Science. He will be a junior next year and is planning on going into photo- journalism. When asked of the oddest pic- ture he had ever taken, Jack con- ceded that it was his own. The result, which is shown above, is truly characteristib of remark- able genius in the art of photog- raphy???? maralee cotton As Co-Joke Editor of the Mis- souri Showme, Maralee Cotton has sunken to fame in the span of just sixteen weeks. "Cotton" as both of her friends call her, was born with an ex- tremely warped sense of humor. At the tender age of 20 minutes, she was sentenced to solitary confinement in the Sikeston Maternity Hospital, after being caught telling a filthy joke to a newborn baby in the next incu- bator. But that was forty-three years ago. Maturity has come with age as far as Cotton is concerned. The graceful young Tri Delt has prov- en to be one of the bright spots in the Showme staff this year. Reports that her nation-wide popularity is still spreading are solidly confirmed by the fact that she receives a fan letter after the publication of each issue. Disregarding the fact that she makes her own clothes and wash- es her mind but once a month, Cotton has become quite attrac- tive to the university menfolk since she transferred from Cen- tral two years ago. She is 21 years old, a senior in education and hails from Sikes- ton, Missouri. Harzfeld's Camel Cigarettes