True Smooch April, 1952True Smooch April, 195220081952/04image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195204True Smooch April, 1952; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1952
All blank pages have been eliminated.
April 25 cents
This is Not a parody: It is a "Showme Creation"
Cry on My
By MOMMA PROUST
This month we have many in-
teresting problems which I have
tried to answer truthful with the
aid of my lovelorn staff. I do not
believe in having heartless col-
umnists impersonally answering
the problems of the multitude, so
my staff is composed of people
with desperate, unanswerable
problems of their own. We write
to each other for help.
Dear Miss Proust,
My problem is this: I am a Se-
nior in the College of Education.
I have been here four years. Re-
cently I took stock of my situa-
tion and there is one question
that is uppermost in my mind.
Do you think I have waited too
long to make a good marriage?
I will not be able to answer
your interesting problem, until
I get the results of the latest
Peace Conference at Chung-Nam
Dear Miss Proust,
I have been invited to a cos-
tume party. This is against all
University regulations, but a lot
of my friends are ready to go.
Do you think I should sacrifice
the regulations for my friends,
or friends for the regulations?
You can satisy everyone. Go,
but do not wear a costume.
Dear Miss Proust,
I am a grader at a large mid-
western university, but recently
I discovered I was passionately
in love with one of my female
"Love's got nothing to do with it. You just ain't enough of a
students. Does she really love me
or is she just out to make an E.
Flunk her and find out.
Dear Miss Proust,
Just the other day I got a
poodle hairdo. Now everyone
kids me about it. Now boys
whistle for me instead of at me.
What can I do to show them I
dislike fetching the evening pa-
Bring in the "Tribune."
"Why John-You impulsive boy!"
856 DIRTY WHITE COLLAR
Young man, artistically in-
clined, likes good books, fine
music, cultured people.
Would like to correspond
with dumb blonde.
398 WOMAN OF THE WORLD
Thirteen years old, 5'2", 40-
34-41. Enjoys field hockey,
and Hedda Hopper. Also
grasshoppers. Wants sugar
daddy, age doesn't matter,
463 COLLEGE MISS
Sophomore in a state univer-
sity, pasionate puritan, Tired
of pseudo-intellectuals in col-
lege, she wants to hear from
from all sorts of illiterates.
CHRISTIAN, GIRLS CAN
RIDE IN CARS!
true april 1952
A Show Me Creation
Confessions of a Jellier, by Joe Gold Page 6
Easy Lovin', by Bill Braznell ---------- _ Page 8
On the Loose, by Keith Lampe-------__. Page 10
The 1952 Show-Me Queen _____________ Page 15
Hinty Hints ----_ ----________ ___ Page 21
Hollywood Disrobed, by Joyce C. Greller ____ Page 28
Editor: Herb Knapp; Business Manager, Dude Haley; Adver-
tising Manager: Peggy Marak; Publicity Directors Hank Mar-
der; Associate Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Feature Editor: Joe
Gold; Photo Editor: Jack Brown; Art Editor: Bill Braznell;
Secretaries: Bev Burris, Katherine Ryan, MaryAnn Fleming,
Joey Bellows; Artists: Bill Andronics, Madge Fisher, Jack
Frost, Bill Gale; Photos: Marie Rundberg, Jim Karohl, Henn
Liiv; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Rube Erwin,
Joyce Greller, Bill Ashlock; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotton,
Lois Via; Circulation Manager: Tom Walsh; Circulation Staff
Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Don Olsen, John Judge, Bob
Hyde; Publicity: Pat Osgood, Fat Kotolov, Jan Hembry, Bob
Volume 28 April, 1952 Number 8
SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University
of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned
unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis-
ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson
City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3:30 p.m., Monday through
Friday, 304 Read Hall.
Last month I announced Show-
me would run a parody on TRUE
(A Man's Magazine). However,
during the fermenting process it
was brought to my attention that
while some are physically incap-
able of visualizing themselves as
men." All members of the cam-
pus citizenry are eager to imag-
ine themseves as "romancers."
Hence, "TRUE SMOOCH", a
parody on the pamphlets of Aph-
Next time Showme intrudes
upon your placid pursuit of know-
ledge it will be full of ghosts,
gouls, and of course, witches. It
will be the long awaited make-up
issue. We missed one last fall, re-
member? First we thought we'd
call it "THE HORROR ISSUE,"
Whatever it's finally called, we
are going to achieve what no oth-
er magazine has dared. It's going
to be different, my left eye
twitches when I think how dif-
ferent! Since it will cost us an
additional four bucks a page we
will have to present a slightly
smaller magazine. But, by your
sweet togas, it'll be DIFFERENT
A TRUE STORY: I was com-
pleting a somewhat desultory
stirring of my coffee the other
day, trying to squash the greasy
buhhles sliding around on its
surface, when a local lion (Of the
species known as "collegitus lit-
eriari") slumped weasily into the
vacant booth across the aisle.
"This'll teach ya ta print that
tripe!" (Spoken vehemently, with
an inflection of passion.)
"Yuh," I answered, trying to
mash the grease pellets with my
tongue before they slid beyond
"Haaa!" LOOKITTHIS," sput-
terred my friend. Suddenly the
local contribution to intellectual
evolution was offered for my
scrutiny. A development that
trapped my coffee between table
"A-Uss-Umpa," I muttered,
striving for objectivity as I
watched those lovely grease
blobs swirl and slither near the
tip of my nose.
"Do ya liket?" The magazine
"S'nice,"I ventured, still bal-
ancing my coffee between nos-
trils and saucer.
"How can you judge! How can
Coffee slid up my nose as I
"This's a magazine for people
of good taste," my companion in-
formed me. Then he arose, tuck-
ed in his shirt, which has become
dissarrayed during one of his
early ultimatums, gestured tow-
ard the infinite and strode out of
my life. My coffee was cold. Quo
This incident seemed to de-
mand that Showme clarify its
views toward the reenergated lit
A literary magazine definitely
has a place on this campus!
Showme hopes the new maga-
zine finds its little niche.
As it stands, the new mag-
azine is covered with the shiny,
fascinating newness and some of
Swami's writers want to sharpen
their literary knives. Showme
may satirize the lit mag, but we
wish 'em all the luck in the world
It's nice to have somebody
around worth satirizing.
As told to Keith Lampe
She thought it couldn't hurt-"just this once". but
she was wrong.
I'm a jellier. Don't ask me why
I know it's wrong, but I don't
seem to get any kick out of
school unless I jelly. People look
at my long blonde hair, my soft
doe eyes, and my ruby red lips,
parted slightly, and "Tsk, tsk, I
never thought she was one of
People ask me why I don't get
to class in the morning. I try!
Lord, how I try! But it never
does any good. Every morning I
leave the house determined to
make it to class. And than on my
way, almost to my destination,
with my goal in sight, with tem-
tation almost beaten, I pass
Gabe's or Read Hall. And that's
when it happens.
Tears stream down my cheeks
as I write this, but I must tell my
story before I can ever feel clean
As I start to pass a coffee hang-
out, my willful feet carry my
struggling body toward the door.
Then, before I know it, the warm
friendly atmosphere has engulfed
me, and I sit there drinking end-
less cups of coffee (which I
hate) reveling in an orgy of plea-
sure, heedless of the everyday
world carrying on its pointless
routine tasks outside.
I know jellying is wrong. A
million people have told me, and
I tell it to others. But I can't help
myself. I am powerless, when the
overwhelming urge subjugates
me to its will.
They told me at the counseling
bureau I could be cured. They
said my case wasn't hopeless.
They said they had helped many
afflicted with my horrible afflic-
tion. And they were true to their
word. They did help me.
But every time on my way
back from a treatment, I'd pass
one of my old hangouts, and the
pushers outside would break
down my resistance, and once
more I'd be inside caught in the
clutches of the sheer joy of jelly-
ing, hopped to the gills in dreams.
To be there with friends all
around and Johnny Ray's voice
struggling to get through into my
drugged sub-conscious. Viola!
For you who have never
known the agonizing happiness of
the jelly, I warn you-Keep
away! Don't do it once with the
idea that once won't hurt. Be-
cause it will! Try it just once, and
you, too, will be like me, a con-
firmed addict. And oh, the hor-
rible self-destroying thrill of sit-
ting there with all worldly cares
flown away on the wings of fanci-
I remember the first time I
"Come on," they said, "just
this once won't hurt you."
And I, fool that I was, believed
them. I didn't want to be differ-
ent. I didn't want to be a party
pooper. So many others were do-
ing it-Why not I?
When they brought the first
cup of coffee, I looked around
fascinated by the looks of bliss-
ful detachment on the faces of
I looked at my cup. I was afraid
but they were looking at me, so
I took a tiny sip. It was tasteless,
but I finished it, and let the at-
mosphere of the place lull me into
a false sense of security. I had an-
other and another. I couldn't stop
In the weeks that followed I
spent more and more of my time
in jellying places. I got to know
the favorite hangout of the
pushers. I even learned to play
I was proud to have my picture taken then. This was the first
time. But others knew . they knew!
bridge. At last I was going there
every day. I knew it was weaken-
ing my moral fiber, but I was
powerless to resist.
I'd sit there holding the sweaty
hand of a fellow addict, and we'd
compare the feelings we received
from "it." "Horse" we used to
But through it all, I could tell
that I was sinking deeper and
deeper into the rut of anonymity
Each jellying session made me
crave it more and more. I began
to fear that I might become a
"mainliner". They couldn't bear
waiting for it to hit, and used to
get more of a "kick" out of tak-
ing it in the arm wih a needle. It
was just coffee, but they were so
far gone, that the coffee recreat-
ed the entire mood of jellying.
They were bad off, and it was my
fear of becoming a "mainliner"
that drove me to my final act.
Jellying was all right, but it
was costing me a great deal of
money. For a while there had
seemed to be no end to the mon-
ey, but I began to notice, that I
was runing short more often than
before. But I had to jelly. I had to.
Finally I had no more. I couldn't
bear to think of life without it.
Life was so crass and hard and
cruel. But when I jellied, I sailed
away on silken clouds of elation.
Classes went by, appointments,
people, horses; everything was
But I had to have money . I be-
gan to pick up all the loose
change laying around the house,
I started taking some that was not
so loose. But this was only chick-
en feed. It was halfway enough
to satisfy my craving for the stuff
House elections were coming
up, and I made up my mind. For
three agonizing days, I somehow
managed to stay away from it,
promising myself a tremendous
binge when the three days were
over. I stayed home and talked to
the girls who had moved into our
house since I had become a jelli-
er. Previously I never took much
notice of them. I was usually
pretty souped up when I hit the
sack. I smiled at them and I talk-
ed to them. I made them feel that
I was their buddy. I promised
them things. I knew I didn't have
to worry about the ones who
were fellow jelliers-I could
handle them all right.
I was elected treasurer of the
Immediately I went out and
had the greatest "joyride" I had
ever had. It lasted for days.
Then as treasurer, I wrote
checks right and left, putting any
reason I could think of in the
books. Those two weeks as treas-
urer were the greatest I've ever
spent. I'd sit in my drunken stu-
por and smile wanly at everyone
who passed and be off leaping
around Jupiter with Flash Gor-
don. No longer did I care if I was
ever cured. The only thing that
mattered was getting hopped up
jellying and sailing away to the
Elysian Fields, where I could
romp in the meadows like a child
I was writing a check, when
the sheriff started to auction off
our furniture. He had me by the
arm and said something about
bankruptcy, but I didn't under-
stand him. It was time to jelly,
and I was trembling with antici-
Finally when the house was
bare, all the girls came out and
filed past one by one cursing me
as they passed.
Then the sheriff took me away,
my frail body shuddering
wretchedly in its need for a jelly.
For years now I have been stand-
ing here in my little two by two
by six cell, banging my head
against the wall and wondering
WHY? Why did I ever succumb
in the first place?
I'll never know. but if I only
had a cup of coffee.
"THEY CALLED ME SEXLESS
UNTIL ONE DAY. AND THEN
BY GOSH,BY GOSH, BY GOSH
I was a particularly sensative
child-self-conscious, shy and un-
loved. I liked my little playmates,
but they soon learned to avoid
me. You see, I was different.
Every afternoon while I was
playing hopscotch, mumbly-peg,
and jump rope, my friends would
be out behind the shed playing
with little girls and drinking pos-
tum from old tomato cans. I soon
became known to them as "Sex-
"There goes Sexless Sid," they
would say, "He hasn't had a good
neck in months."
I would laugh carelessly at my
friends remarks and then go
home and beat my head against
Out of my self-pity and shame,
a great dream began to shape in
my battered brain. I would be
like the others-no-a thousand
times better than they. I would
study and study-and then some-
day, I would be a Great Lover.
And so I began reading every
famous love story I could find-
asking-doing research. Gradual-
ly, piece by piece, I gathered my
In my studies I discovered one
great truth: little boys are differ-
erent from little girls! Not only
that-little girls aredifferent from
little girls! Therein lay the secret
With this basic assumption, I
set about developing scores of
"formulas" or "approaches"
which I could select to use on
any one of the great variety of
women who might stray within
grasp. I tested these approaches
on countless women. The results
I have carefully set down be-
low one of my more successful
formulas so that you, the unini-
tiated may reap a similar harvest
Try them all-have fun while you
Costume: Cashmere scarf pro-
truding from M.U. tee shirt,
Chartreuse beret festooned with
honorary keys and Dewey but-
tons. Vented burlap lounging
jacket with matching knicker-
bockers, Patent leather hob-nail-
ed jodpurs with rubber mud-
Scene: Candle-lite bistro in sub-
terranean depths of Read Hall.
Characters: You, Her.
"Quaint spot, what?"
"Quickly shift date into fireman's carry and trot towards
"Jove! Isn't that Bach's Fifth
Rondo for Wind instruments and
glockenspiel? Fantastic, the clar-
ity and movement of the third
stanza, don't you know."
"Read anything by F. Scott late-
"Who else?-Not to change the
subject but would you mind aw-
fully if I embraced you"
"Posh-You sorority drabs are all
I could elaborate on this dialog
for pages and pages, but, after all,
we aren't interested in conversa-
tion when sex is staring us in the
face, are we?
We proceed then to the physi-
cal aspects of our topic. For pur-
poses of explanation, I will des-
cribe "The Great Maneuver" (or
"Big Move" as it is vulgarly re-
ferred to) in numerical series.
Follow this simple guide for
prompt, imediate results.
You are walking you date to-
ward her dormitory or sorority
house. Dark shapes are all about
you-you want to be one of the
gang, don't you son? Right!
At the count of:
ONE. Extend right foot across
date's path, tripping her.
TWO. Pick up date-quickly
shifting her into fireman's
THREE. Trot gingerly to nearest
piece of shielding shrubbery.
FOUR. Deposit date behind
shrubbery, muffling screams
with auxiliary necktie brought
for the occasion.
FIVE. When cries stop, remove
necktie and place left arm
around date's middle, keeping
right arm free to ward off blow
SIX. Place right arm around
SEVEN. Draw date to you with
(This is known as the "Rus-
sian Armpit Lock" in profes-
sional wrestling circles-it is
(Continued on page 12)
POEMS OF PASSION
SAGA OF SUMMER SEDUCEMENT
Oh you came to me in the moonight
And all through the warm evening long
I listened to tales of your sweet plight
In the strains of a summer love song.
In my ear did you hum
And my heart strings did strum
As I listened to each new outpour.
And my heart skipped a beat
And I looked at my feet
But I little dreamed what you'd come for.
In my ear did you sing
And I hoped for a ring
But no ring did you ever produce.
Then I knew that your plan
Was as ancient as man
For lover, you'd come to seduce.
Then my ear you did bite
And I jumped in afright
And I turned on the light and said.
Then I gave you a slap
And I jumped from your lap
Having fled from your trap, you .
M. L. Fitzgibbons
I WAS "ON
Yes, I was a college girl on the
loose. I'll talk. I'll admit it. In
fact, I was a high school girl on
But back to 1951, that year
when I lost 'mom amie'. (That's
French. I learned a little bit at
Stephens College, you know).
He left me in May of that year.
Or at least it was shortly after
April. And he had been so nice,
oh so very nice to me that Spring
I'll never forget that afternoon
when I first saw Monk Reefer-
strau. He was standing sedately
in front of Central Dairy, wear-
ing lovely bib overalls and the
prettiest 'M' jacket I have ever
His first words will remain
with me always. As I snaked past
him, he said "Geezawz, ketch da'
mug on dat one."
I knew then that my desperate
prayers for a suave, cosmopolitan
University student had been ans-
How can I describe the way I
felt in that moment when his
eyes met mine? I guess there's a
time in every woman's life when
she's ripe for love, another time
when she's ready, just plain
ready for anything.
As Told To
A crazy thrill rippled through
me as Monk studied me for a
long moment. He wasn't hand-
some, in fact, his rugged features
were almost ugly. But then there
was something about that 'M'
jacket. I couldn't take my eyes
away from its leathery beauty.
Because of our schoolwork,
Monk and I couldn't see each oth-
er often. But when we were to-
gether our relationship seemed to
be ripening into a real love. For-
ever will I remember those few
stolen moments on the J-School
pastures 'neath star-stained skies.
At first, we could hear lusty
roars from the Journalism lions.
But later there was but an omi-
Suddenly, in late April, he
changed. He wasn't the same
wonderful fella whom I had met
several weeks earlier. On one oc-
casion he told me that he no long-
er loved me as he had earlier. But
I thought he was too well bred to
really mean it.
Then came that seemingly end-
less evening we spent in his Emi-
nent Fraternity House.
We had been drinking dehy-
drated martinis since dawn of the
preceding day. And this had led
me to believe that he, in his own
cute little way, was trying to
We talked of one thing and an-
other-cabbages, kings, geology,
punchboards-and then, sudden-
ly,; he drew me fiercely into his
arms. Hot flashes shot through
my baw-dy. Then I was immers-
ed in a quiet, lackluster tranquil-
But our little world was slash-
ed by a gin-gutted voice shout-
ing, "There's something funny in
this Fraternity house, and I aim
to get to the bottom of it!"
"Shades of Truman" Monk
cursed, "It's our chapter advis-
(Continued on Page 13)
3 LURID TALES
GET YOUR KICKS - SEND NOW!
Now, for a short time only, Blob of the month club
is offering these 3 master-pieces absolutely free!
Here's all you have to do to get yours. Cut out the
coupon below. Put it in an envelope containing a
picture of Abraham Lincoln taken from an old five
dollar bill and send it to the address listed below.
You will receive, in a plain brown wrapper, these 3
genuine spruce-pulp bound novels plus a life member-
ship to Blob of the month Club. If you are not de
lighted with these books, feel free to return them
within 24 hours of delivery. To show our good will,
we shall ship you immediately a big, economy sized
bottle of time-fused uranium dust. ACT NOW!
CAROUSAL NIGHT CLUB
Are your tootsies ready for am-
putation? Are you up to your
neck in bunions, callouses and
other ordinary hoof diseases?
Are you ashamed to get your
weekly pedicure? You'll never
make out with the pedicurist if
you have to hand her your ugly
marred foot. It's bad enough
they smell. It's harvest time for
the corn field on your foot with
Madame Curie's Corn Plasters.
Just adhere the sticky side of
one of the Madame's Plasters to
the outside of your shoe where
the corns are the biggest, and
your aches are over.
Tested and proved by the Hot-
tentots for 6 years.
(Continued from Page 9)
EIGHT. Breathe deply 20 times
making little panting noises
with each exhale.
NINE. Place hand upon back of
date's head and jerk it around
a bit until her nose is lodged
firmly against yours.
TEN. Gaze soulfully into date's
eyes for one minute, allowing
eyelids to flutter intermit-
*Extreme care must be tak-
en not to exceed the prescribed
gazing time. I have known men
to become permanently and in-
curably crosseyed through ov-
ELEVEN. Kiss her-you idiot.
Now that the ice has been bro-
ken, your own imagination and
physical dexterity are your only
limitations-you are ready to
make love. Goodnight, kiddies-
Gung-ho-viva le sex.
In the tree top,
Better not fall
It's a hell of a drop.
Coronet player who's had
eight. Would like to corres-
pond with number nine.
Please be nice; he's getting
I. Ben Had
Pretty, peppy, Oriental girl
wants to hear from any man
who might be interested in
matrimony or related sub-
719 TRAVELING SALESMAN
Sloppy, jovial, fat man would
like to hear from anyone
who doesn't live on a farm
* * *
Prof: "And what do you do
when you hear the fire alarm,
Senior: "I get up and feel the
wall, and if it ain't hot, I go back
"Tis better to have loved and
"We took that one a little wide, didn't we Miss Bilge?"
(Continued from Page 10)
"Where is Monk Reeferstrau?"
the whiskey-warped voice con-
"In the hot box, sir," came
high-pitched, polite tones, (I lat-
er learned that a 'hot box' is a
room used for illegally 'spiking'
Then the door flew open and
the Scotch-sodden voice said,
"Ah-hah! So! And three years
behind on your housebill, too!"
Well, you probably know the
rest of my story. I was dismissed
from Stephens and told that, get
this, that I colud never again at-
tend Vespers. Never again attend
Vesp- . Ves-. Vespers!
(Miss J uean at this point burst
Today I have outlived the
shame steming from my deprav-
ed collegiate days. I am a suc-
cessful goods saleslady with a
I did not have to tell this
shocking story. But I want to
point out to other young women
how terribly easy it is to slip ov-
er the edge of despair into disas-
there's money in this con-
* * *
And then there was the pass-
enger who asked the captain of
the boat to tell her when the tide
would rise so she could close her
CARL F. MEDLEY
ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE
In love with a girl of fourteen
who was destined at birth to be-
come much older, Haydn Sieck
was an escapist from the word
go. That is to say, if you were to
walk up to Haydn Sieck and say
"go," he would. He was that sort
of a fellow.
Despite all this, Haydn was no
complete fool. (The advantages
of an incomplete fool may escape
you. Don't worry about them;
they don't worry about you.) He
and Olive Drabb, for that was
the girl's name, would stroll, run
and leap about the greenery of
State U. until all hours, and this
was all very romantic. Besides,
there was something about State
U.'s greenery that naturally as-
sumed a romantic character at
3 a.m. Perhaps it was the moon-
light sifting through the foliage;
perhaps it was the grotesque
shadow cast by the finest ex-
ample of gothis architecture in
the Midwest; perhaps it was. the
girls sneaking back into the
Gamma house; perhaps it was the
boys sneaking back into the Gam
ma house. There was something
about that Gamma house.
But picture, if you will, these
two nymph-like creatures (make
that gnome-like creatures) cav-
orting deliciously about the state-
supported landscape and drop-
ping exhausted at the foot of a
small hill God, how romantic.
"Haydn," Olive said, clasping
his hand tightly in her own, "I'll
be fifteen next month".
"Stop squeezing my hand," he
said, "I have a ring on that fin-
"Of course you do, darling,"
she conceded. "I'm sorry." She
understood about things like that
the dear child. She understood
how one could clasp one's ring-
fingered hand and, unthinking,
literally crush the metal through
the epidermis, inflicting a third-
degree injury of considerable
pain and causing one to say
"ouch" or "dammit." Olive un-
derstood, because she love.
Haydn and because she had been
a nurse's aid since the age of six.
"Haydn," Olive whispered a-
new, "I've been a nurse's aid
since the age of six."
"I know," said Haydn.
"You just know everything
Haydn," she said in what might
best be described as a breathy
tone. "Maybe that's why I love
you so much."
"Yes, Olive," he said, "and you
should get rid of that breathy
tone. It might be asthma." He
gathered her close to him and
they kissed for 37 minutes, coun-
terclockwise. Olive rested her
head on Haydn's shoulder, where
it looked better than it did on her
own. Now he could feel her heart
beating wildly against his. Hay-
"Which side is your heart on?"
"It seems to be beating wildly
against mine, and we're facing in
"Well, I'll be damned," Olive
"Don't swear, Olive," Haydn
cautioned, "I hate to hear a 14-
year-old girl swear."
"I'll be fifteen next month,"
"I hate to hear 15-year-old
girls swear, too."
"But Haydn, don't you think
I have a mind of my own?"
"No leading questions, please,"
He caressed her softly. Then he
caressed her hardly. Then he
hardly caressed her. It was all
(Continued on Page 19
The staff and editors of
TRUE SMOOCH are
proud to be chosen to
present to the public the
"University of Missouri
Showme Queen for 1952,
Miss Jeanne Carpenter.
The cooperation we re-
ceived from the "Show-
me" magazine was ex-
This year's Showme Queen is
JEANNE CARPENTER, a beau-
tiful Education Senior who trans-
ferred to the university in Febr-
uary. Jeanne seems to have taken
the staid '52 campus by storm,
winning the contest a month and
a half after getting to Columbia.
She is 5 feet 8 inches tall and
weighs 125 pounds. Jeannie's hair
is light brown and Stephen Fos-
ter would have been proud to
write songs about her. Her eyes,
usually crinkled in a smile,
change from green to grey to ha-
zel, which is rather confusing, but
all the more attractive.
Jeanne likes to knit, roller
skate and play the piano (Cho-
pin). She also enjoys bowling,
"but everybody laughs."
The first three years of college
Jeanne attended Harris Teachers
College in St. Louis. She says
now that she wishes she had
come to Mizzou all four years.
The Queen insists she doesn't
want to get married "at least un-
til she's 25."
Jeanne is 21 years old, has liv-
ed in St. Louis all her life, and
drinks coffee with three tea-
spoons of sugar.
Her Majesty in Saint Louis.
After the trip into St. Louis,
Miss Carpenter prepares for the
evening ahead with a dinner at
the Melbourne Hotel's beautiful
the Queen is
shown relaxing in the Governor's
Suite of the Melbourne, where
she and her mother spent the
Here Miss Carpenter is with
Mr. Otis Kelly, the Melbourne's
Publicity Director, who made all
the arrangements for her stay in
About to go down to dinner,
Miss Carpenter takes one last
look in the mirror of the luxuri-
ous Governor's Suite.
in Saint Louis.
Chuck Norman, well-known St.
Louis disc jockey, escorts the
Queen to an evening filled with
the music of Ray Anthony and
Pee Wee Hunt that ended with
the acting of Richard Arlen in
"Made in Heaven" at the Em-
PHOTOS BY J. BROWN
(Left to right) Barbara
Jones, the queen's at-
tendant, Ray E. Carr,
Manager, Melbourne Ho-
tel, Robert E. Perry, Di-
rector Empress Playhouse
formerly director of the
SHOWME QUEEN Miss
Jeanne Carpenter. This
picture was taken at a re-
ception given by the Mel-
bourne for Jeanne and
members of the SHOW-
Miss Carpenter is shown
holding a Crosley por-
table radio that was given
the SHOWME QUEEN
winner by Vic Stepka, lo-
cal sales manager of
Photo by Max Gould Studio 17
in Saint Louis.
Her Majests ATTENDENT
This years the Showme Queen
attendant is the petite Miss BAR-
BARA JONES. Like "Queen
Jeanne," Barbara is a newcomer
on the campus. She is a second
semester Freshman majoring in
Education. Eighteen years old,
Miss Jones consists of five feet
two of blond loveliness, a pair of
intriguing blue eyes, and 108
pounds of perfectly distributed
She tells us she is currently re-
siding in Hannibal but is quick to
add that she is really from Calif-
ornia. Her comment on Mizzo,
"We never had weather like this
in California," and there wasn't
a single prompter from the Sun-
shine State's Junior Chamber of
Commerce in sight.
Barb did admit a weakness for
Chinese food and parties, nice
parties, she added. If the poised
Miss Jones is a fair sample of fe-
male California we are tempted
to grab the first plane for U.S.C.
and start all over again out there.
Here Jean is on the stage
of the Empress Playhouse
Mr. Perry has just fin-
ished signing her to a one
week contract to begin
April 15. Ruth Chatter-
ton will play the leading
(Continued from Page 14)
"Do you really love me,
Haydn?" Olive asked.
"Why do you ask?" he count-
"Why do you counter?" she
"Well, the . I feel there has
ben friction between us for the
"I don't mean that-we seem to
be growing apart, Haydn."
"Would you rather we grow
together? That's for Siamese
twins, Olive-Siamese twins, I
tell you." Haydn was irritated.
He continued: "Maybe you're
right though-maybe things are
not the same."
"What do you mean?"
"You're lousy with questions
tonight, Olive," He pulled out his
slide rule. "I mean that when I
am twenty-five, you'll be nine-
teen; when I'm thirty, you'll be
twenty-four; when I'm thirty-
five, you'll be twenty-nine."
"But what difference does that
". when I'm thirty-seven,
you'll be thirty-one; when I'm
114 you'll be 108."
"But what's the difference?'
"Six, idiot. The difference is
six. six. SIX Every time I
turn around the difference is
six!' He turned around. The dif-
ference was six. "See what I
"I think you're being foolish,"
Olive said pushing away from
This did not set well with
Haydn Sieck. He hit her with his
slide rule, right on the multiplier
It sounded like three polar bears
humming the Anvil Chorus. He
hit her harder. Four polar bears
this time, in the manner of Fred
"I can't take much more of
this, Haydn," Olive said.
"Don't care for The Pennsyl-
vanians, eh? Well, that's the way
it goes." he began to beat her
senseless until he realized he
could get the same results by
leaving her alone.
. Keep this stuff up for fif-
teen pages and you've got a short
No matter how lightly oppor-
tunity knocks at the door, the
housemother always hears it.
WATCH THE FORDS GO BY
"Oh I dreamed I stopped traffic
in my Laden-Charm garb
And emerged from the street a
But here this ain't true
Cause with cars at M.U.
You'd have to be Lady Godiver.
M. L. Fitzgibbons
Many of our young engineers
spend a lot of time tinkering with
the misses in their motors.
"Gosh, do they all wear cottons from Julie's?"
Swami ' s
Why doesn't Dorothy wear
Oh, just to promot better feel-
Two rabbits went out into the
woods and had a hare-raising ex-
* * * *
Pledge: There's a woman peddler
at the front door.
Active: We'll take two.
I know a guy who swallows
That's nothing, I inhale camels.
A priest saw one of his parishon-
ers hanging drunkenly over a
"For shame, young man, what's
gotten into you."
"Three fathers, feather."
Errol Flynn and Charlie Chap-
lain have collaborated on a new
movie to be released soon . . the
title is "On Whom the Belles
Young lady (under 53) like"
dogs and old men. Would like
to hear from either.
A hungry Irishman went into a
restaurant on Friday and said
to the waiter:
"Have yez any whale?"
"Have yez any shark?"
"All right," said the Irishman,
"then bring me a big steak
smothered with onions. The
Lord knows I asked for fish."
Introducing our Beauty Counse-
lor, Helena Glutz, founder of
charm schools scattered through-
out Greenland, Abyssinia, and
India. She prides herself in her
missionary work . Helena
only speaks 16th Century Chip-
pendale and commutes to her stu-
dents via a enuch.
Creating coiffures is Helena's
specialty. Preferring the hot wave
to a cold wave, Helena manages
to sculpture hairdos extraordin-
aire. Originator of the Afghanis-
tan Hound Cut (she wears a mod-
ified version herself) and the
Cuckatoo Tail, she has just come
out with her latest, the Mule
Belly Roll. Neat rolls of curls, re-
sembling a donkey doubled over
are duplicated completley around
the victim's head. Sure to be a suc
cess in Columbia.
Miss Glutz has a reputation for
making queens. Here is a picture
of one of her more successful stu-
dents. Now Queen of England,
Queen Lizzie followed Glutz's
beauty plan faithfully for 60 yrs.
Note the pleased, triumphant ex-
pression on her face. Aly Khan,
Jr., has just asked her out.
These are legs? Once slim, firm-
and shapely, these legs develop-
ed bulging muscles and varicose
veins. Somewhere along the line,
Helena failed. She stressed the
wrong kind of exercise.
Recapturing the days of the Klan boys, we
are featuring the Klux Look. Three hun-
dred yards of black suede veiling is wrap-
ped around each model until the desired ef-
fect is achieved.
No date is complete without slipping into
your flattering satin briefs, 1/2 denier black
hose, chic steel knee guards, and high lace
Look bewitching in a Capone Ab-
original. Designed for the zombie
with taste, this little ensemble is
the rage in Moberly.
Getting ready to go to a resort?
By all means, buy this versatile
bathing suit, known as the Hot
Suit. Remove the head-piece, add
rhinestone earrings, and you're
new spring pastels, air pump is
Old Meg and Effie dolled up in their John
Fredrich's poke bonets for the Hoe Down.
The design borrowed from the pilgirms,
spells flattery and allure. It comes with
hair attached especially for bald women.
Activity and sports are synony-
mous with a healthy life. These
guys are out leaping to the hunt.
Their life will even be healthier if
the hunt is successful. They are
wearing special pants, designed
for an active life and constructed
Here we see that health does not
necessarily imply clean living.
Harry Hippo attributes his vigor
to filth, squalor and mud. His
methods have been tried by sev-
eral peoples and found successful.
We have chosen Eleanor as evi-
dence that you can lead a fast life
and still remain healthy. We
caught this snap of her during
her lecture of the Atlantic. By no
means a play-girl, she still man-
ages to get her jollies. What's her
secret? Nothing but spinach, sex
Another health secret. Mrs. At-
las, left, wakes up every morn-
ing at 7:00, practices Yogi, stands
in front of the open window,
takes 20 deep breaths, pounds her
chest, and waves to the iceman.
As a result she is healthy, but
Even a dog can get lucky with proper
advice from our personality clinic. No
more dates with tired French Poodles.
Turn on the that canine charm and
captivate a live number.
Red-Hot-Mamma-300 pounds of fun.
Wow! Nothing vampy about this babe,
she is constantly in demand.
Play is cool, and apply the naive ap-
proach. Be innocent, no matter how
much it hurts. Boys don't like prudes,
true, but they may come back in style.
So just be coy, and you can shock
them later. This technique is especial-
ly good if you have a prison record or
In a recent personality meet, these 3
girls copped top laurels and the Bela
Lugosi personality prizes. Let's face it
they've got to save charm and person-
ality with bodies like that.
Beauty or Beast, personality is defin-
itely an asset in certain types of soci-
eties. You can't be a party ape without
A very popular current sport is
common law pinnings. It requires
skill, strategy, endurance and a
lust for life in the raw. Here we
see Mop-A-Long Chastity getting
ready for the Pin.
When in doubt, attach first
Check on the pawn value of the
pin to your sweater during an
embrace. He'll think he did it dur-
the heat of passion and won't
dare reclaim it.
Victory and contentment-no more
date problems for at least a
month. But-Is it true love or
mere animal passion?
For the formal pinning, never
trust him. Always have it done
via your mother, with his moth-
er and house-mother as witness-
es, and his EX as best woman.
Note the souvenirs of previous
pinnings on girls arms.
Wot happened, I've lost my pin,
friends, girl, and confidence, and
my grades have dropped. Oh well
only a skip, hop and jump to
DON L. SMALL G-E STORE
"Honey, why do you talk so
slowly?" he asked. "Huh! You
think I talk slowly," she drawled.
"You should hear my sister. Last
week she had a date and stopped
the car along a lonely lane. Be-
fore she could tell him she wasn't
that kind of a girl, she was."
* * *
Little Boy: What do you repair
Little Boy: Why should I hide?
Cobbler: Hide! Hide! The cow's
Little Boy: So what? Who the
hell's afraid of an old cow?
Motor Cop, after a hard chase:
"Why didn't you stop when I
shouted back there?"
Driver, with only five dollars,
but presence of mind: "I thought
you just said, 'Good morning,
Cop: "Well you see, Senator,
I wanted to warn you about driv-
ing fast through the next town-
Scene in English Pub.
" Ello Mary, you 'avin' one?"
"No, it's just the cut of the bloom
A New England epitaph reads:
"Here lies an atheist.
All dressed up and no place to
* * *
Pilot to tower. pilot to tower
plane out of gas. Am miles out
over ocean at 300 feet. losing
altitude fast. Radio instruction!"
"Tower to pilot. repeat after
me; 'Our Father Who Art in
"How'd you puncture your tire?"
"Ran over a bottle of milk."
"Didn't you see it, huh?"
"Naw, the kid had it under his
A visitor recently came to
America. Every effort was made
to show him the wonders of our
country. He was shown the Yell-
owstone River, a rainless day in
Los Angeles, the mint in Phila-
delphia, and the Empire State
Building in New York. At the
end of his tour he seemed a bit
dissatisfied. "Is there anything
you haven't seen yet that you'd
like to?" he was asked. "Yes," he
replied. "It's a woman. I want to
see with my own eyes that mar-
velous Mrs. Obitch, who had so
many sons in Europe during the
"Any big men born around
here?" the vacationist asked.
"Nope," replied the Vermont
native. "Kinda old fashioned in
this neck of the woods. Best we
can do is babies. Diffrunt in the
city, I suppose."
"I represent the Mountain
Cheap Wool Company," began
the snappy young salesman.
"Would you be interested in
coarse yarns?" "Gash, yes,"
breathed the gal hopefully. "Tell
me a couple."
Pistachio had been very happy
when his wife had a son. They
decided to name him Tom, but
the birth certificate came back
with the name Thomas, so rath-
er than cause confusion, Pis-
tachio let it go. Some time lat-
er, they had another little boy.
Pistachio called the registrant
of births on the phone. "Looka
here, you . last year I had a
boy and I want him name Tom
. you make it ThomAS. This-
a one's name going to be Jack.
Now let's not have any more
trouble from you."
At OASIS LIQUORS
and DOWNTOWN LIQUORS
Call: DATES OF
"Tis Better to Be Boved
Than Be Lonely!"
Knights in Shining Armor
DATES OF LAST RESORT
"TAILS OF HOFFMAN"-
Shown with selected shorts.
Breif, but enjoyable, we'll all
enjoy the fast, tricky belly work
of Moira Shearer and Charles
Laughton as Hoffman, who is re-
ally on his toes, but more often
on his end. Though rehearsing
for the role 10 months under the
experienced guidance of the great
Pavlova, he manages to execute
nothing more than a fast clog
dance, with an occasional bump
and grind. Moira and Charles
both looked devine though in
their pink tights, nylon tulles and
gliter dust above. Any flaws in
the dancing is compensated by
the fabulous backdrops borrowed
from Walt Disney's "Beaver Is-
land." In fact, the entire plot is
stolen from this movie which ac-
counts for occasional eagerless
"OH YOU CAN'T GET A MAN
WITH A SHOWBOAT IN PAR-
IS EVEN THOUGH IT'S RAIN-
A combination of 5 wonderful
musicals featuring a medley of
songs from "Death of a Sales-
man" and "Bride of a Gorilla".
The picture was photographed
entirely on yellow film which ne-
cessitates wearing ski goggles
which are passed out inside to
everyone with force at $5 a pair.
A silent film showing excerpts
from Marlon Brando's last 37
movies. It doesn't matter which
movie, because he wears an un-
dershirt in each one. As the ac-
tion increases, the undershirts
get sweatier and smellier, so we
learn through the Yugoslavian
Sub-titles. In one scene he is
forced to remove his undershirt
for the laundryman. But instead
of seeing an exciting view of his
bar, hairy chest, he has, to the
disappointment of the girls, a
cleverly concealed alternative
camisole underneath. Who
dreamt that one up? Marjorie
Main, of "Madonna of the 7
Moons" or "I Work By Night"
fame, is the love interest in a
They had to make money some-
how on this flicker. It was all
photographed inside a whale to
give it a realistic touch. And it
has an all-star cast of such old
favorites as Harry Carey, Laura
LaPlante, Hoot Gibson and Gil-
bert Roland. The production is
an extravaganza from the word
., and an example of Movie-
land's newest innovation, Talkies.
Betty Hutton and Clifton Webb's
big love scene in the middle of
the trapeze act is daring and in-
spired a new movie.
LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES
1. Pair up actual U.S. town
names. Examples: From RYE, N.
Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From
SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE
CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pair-
ings as you like.
2. The odder the names-and
the more amusing the relation-
ship between the two-the better
your chances will be.
3. First prize winner will be
sent $50. Second prize $25, third
prize $10 and three $5 prizes
Contest closes June 30, 1952. All
entries should arrive at Life Sav-
ers, Port Chester, not later than
June 30, 1952 to qualify. All en-
tries become the property of Life
Savers, and prize-winning com-
binations may be used in future
advertisements, together with the
names of the winners. In case of
ties duplicate prizes will be
awarded. Simply mail your entry
to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES-
PEP O MINT LIFE SAVERS
"HOW TO LIE FLAT ON YOUR
BACK EVEN THOUGH YOU
HAVE CURVATURE OF THE
A currently revived posture
film now being shown in health
centers and clinics throughout
the country. Inspired by the old
"Hunchchest of Vassar," it has
an all round-shouldered, hunch-
back cast. Quizzle, an old sway-
backed mare left over from the
An impressive foreign film
creted by the manufacturers of
Griffith All White. Does have a
certain commercial tinge. Stars
those 2 great dramatic artists,
Laurel and Bardy. There's a tre-
mendous scene when Laurel is
shining Bardy's white bucks with
Johnson's Shinola, an alien
brand, and as a result, both are
sentenced to wear red satin op-
era pumps till their 70th birth-
day. To achieve realism, the the-
atre is embalmed with the strong
fumes of shoe polish for every
show which nauseates the audi-
ence further. It ends with all
barefoot infidels sentenced to
polishing stadium boots in Tam-
"THE AFRICAN QUEER" Nau
tical but Nice!
With Katherine Hepburn as
Tugboat Annie and Humphrey
Bogart as Captain Andy. Frank
'28 Kentucky Derby, is starred
opposite June Sallyson, who in
spite of her sagging deltoid, looks
terrif in a leotard. The movie
consists of 10 straight hours of
vigorous exercising with the "An-
vil Chorus" played constantly in
the background. It is subversive
in parts when a bunch of unor-
ganized sway-back peasants pick-
et the exercycle factory with
"Down with Lousy Latissimus
Dorsi" signs, referring to a rup-
Sinatra plays the part of Billy
Budd, but walks the plank with-
in the first 2 minutes of screen-
play and is last seen being de-
voured by a rainbow trout as he
sings-"Mississippi Mud." It in-
volved a perilous sea journey
around Lake Titicaca on the Af-
rican Liner, Queen Mary. Hubba
Hubba, Goodrich Rubba life-
boats adorn the poop deck. With
only Anie and Andy as a crew,
they both go mad by the end of
the movie, frantically trying to
keep the ship on its course, stok-
ing the furnace and performing
cabin duty. They don't even
have time for a love scene. There
is one passenger aboard, Frances
Scott Key, played by Johnny
Ray who is leaning over the
ship's rail, crying and creating
the "Star Spangled Aloe Oei",
while watching the chem lab ex-
plode on Red Campus.
Then there was the Scotchman
who bought a car when he found
out his wife had gas on her
Swami is rushing around these
days with an international air.
The Comies have finally recog-
nized the danger in the old boy
and have lifted a picture from
A very leftist Paris weekly,
"Regards" used a 1948 photo
printed in Showme as the basis
of a dig at us filthy capitalists
what ain't even got enough mon-
ey to get drunk and stay drunk,
as they seem to be on fifths of
This picture originally had the
caption: "The New Look has hit
football at M.U. Spring practice.
Faurot made short pants for his
boys. Here's Ches Fritz, Tiger
tackle, fore and aft." That was
how Showme used it.
"Regards" wrote: "God didn't
take a thousand years to prepare
the English-speaking people just
for idle contemplation of them-
selves. No! He made us fit to gov-
ern so that we may lead barbaric
and senile peoples. From all
races He chose the American
people to lead the world to its
The picture was used in a fea-
ture story on 'American life and
traditions, and the caption was
from a fifty year old speech by a
In the true spirit of interna-
tional brotherhood Swami in-
tends to publish a picture of
Uncle Joe with captions written
by Louella Parsons.
A Limited Number of Vacationers to its Famous Summer
Flunk Now and Vacation in Beautiful Columbia!
the novus shop
OUR READERS WRITE US
It has come to my attention
that one of your writers accuses
this magazine of piracy because
we have a dept. called "Around
It was my intention to drop this
title because of the unfortunate
possibility that we might acciden-
tally be thought of as having
some connection with your maga-
You flatter yourself, sir!
A check was made and it was
found that Showme ran a column
(?) titled "Showme Shows" for
sometime. From 1939-40 there
was a lapse of several issues, still
without the present column (?).
The first Showme to have the
present column titled "Around
the Columns" was sometime in
the interval 1941-43, but did not
have the month or year of publi-
My, what a busy little bee.
Wassit dark in them thar
"Around the Columns" was
first used in the Shamrock in
1939 and has been a standing col-
umn ever since.
That lets us out. Ours is a
Who is the pirate?
The suspense is terrific!
Wassit Capt. Kidd? Wassit
A copy of this letter is being
forwarded to the Student for its
information and because we feel
that the coverage will probably
be more useful in spreading the
truth of this matter.
Your RIGHT This is news
for the STUDENT. THE
WHOLE CAMPUS IS A-
GOG. Positively AGOG!
If you decide to print this let-
ter for your few readers, please
try to keep the typographical er-
rors somewhat below your usual
standard so it will be readable.
Oh, yes, we will try. This
above all else should be
"readable." It's soo VITAL
Dontcha kinda wish yer
"readable" trade pamphlet
had as much circulation as
our unreadable magazine?
To misquote, "A palagarist be
any other name would smell-
ROBERT C. STANFORD
Editor, Missouri Shamrock
(for the benefit of the uni-
itiated the SHAMROCK is
an Engineers trade maga-
And Bob, (Dare I be so informal
'scuse please.) Mr. ROBERT C.
STANFORD, (Yusee I DO rea-
lize the importance of your posi-
tion) SHOWME has never con-
sidered giving up the name. It has
never occured to us that we
would be confused with the
SHAMROCK. Hope this doesn't
frustrate youse? Yea, and verily
the SHAMROCK and the STU-
DENT shall patter down their
pompus paths together. Cin we
uns come to the wedding if we
bring a gift. Ed.
IN REPLY TO STONE'S.
What matter of man, this Stone,
Lay an "aig"-,
Damn our ubiquitous Missouri
With praises faint
And phrases quaint?
Shall we stoop, throw Stone for
Between the rustic Hinkson and
the mighty Mo,
Comes the Academic revolution
A far by better solution.
Tis better so-
To rally 'round
And Whooooeee the man down!
(Althogether boys and slightly
Out a hat over it, Curly,
we've all had a look
HERE'S CURLY, the only man in the world who ever
had a head of hair. Comes the middle of winter with
snow and ice or hot summer days with the sun beating
down and Curly still keeps his locks bared for all to
Frankly, wavy locks don't do a whole lot more for
us than any other kind of hair, but ob -iously they do
for Curly, and that's why we feel a little sorry for him.
The best way not to keep those curls looking pretty is
to wander around without a hat. Honest.
A hat is primarily for protection, protection for your
hair and your health. The hot sun dries up your hair
and your scalp, and cold winds and rain and snow beat-
ing against a bare head are a cold bug's best allies.
Here's something for psych 1-2:
Curly doesn't look any better without a hat. As a
matter of fact, he looks like a darned fool. But some-
thing deep down in Curly's libido makes him think he's
climbing up Dr. Adler's Male Complex ladder when he
struts around like a rugged bear.
Curly, like everyone else, would look a whole lot
better and feel a lot better, too, if he'd let a hat protect
his health and improve his appearance.
"Wear a Hat It's as Healthy as It's Handsome!"
These fine hat labels have published this advertise- DOBBS CAVANAGH KNOX
ment in the interests of good grooming and good
health of American men. BERG BYRON C & K DUNLAP
Divisions of the Hat Corporation of America-Makers of Fine Hats for Men and Women