True Smooch April, 1952 True Smooch April, 1952 2008 1952/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195204

True Smooch April, 1952; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1952

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Announcing The Showme Queen True Smooch April 25 cents This is Not a parody: It is a "Showme Creation" Bouffant Beauties at Garland's FREEMAN'S SHOES Pucketts Miller's Shoes Jerry's Service Station Texaco Cry on My Shoulder By MOMMA PROUST This month we have many in- teresting problems which I have tried to answer truthful with the aid of my lovelorn staff. I do not believe in having heartless col- umnists impersonally answering the problems of the multitude, so my staff is composed of people with desperate, unanswerable problems of their own. We write to each other for help. Dear Miss Proust, My problem is this: I am a Se- nior in the College of Education. I have been here four years. Re- cently I took stock of my situa- tion and there is one question that is uppermost in my mind. Do you think I have waited too long to make a good marriage? Bothered Dear Bothered, I will not be able to answer your interesting problem, until I get the results of the latest Peace Conference at Chung-Nam Sincerely Emily Proust Dear Miss Proust, I have been invited to a cos- tume party. This is against all University regulations, but a lot of my friends are ready to go. Do you think I should sacrifice the regulations for my friends, or friends for the regulations? Perplexed Dear Per, You can satisy everyone. Go, but do not wear a costume. Emily Proust Sincerely, Dear Miss Proust, I am a grader at a large mid- western university, but recently I discovered I was passionately in love with one of my female Herb Knapp "Love's got nothing to do with it. You just ain't enough of a Challenge." students. Does she really love me or is she just out to make an E. Handsome Dear Egotist, Flunk her and find out. Sincerely, Emily Proust Dear Miss Proust, Just the other day I got a poodle hairdo. Now everyone kids me about it. Now boys whistle for me instead of at me. What can I do to show them I dislike fetching the evening pa- per? Dollmation Dear Doll, Bring in the "Tribune." Sincerely Emily Proust Paul Mullane "Why John-You impulsive boy!" 856 DIRTY WHITE COLLAR WORKER Young man, artistically in- clined, likes good books, fine music, cultured people. Would like to correspond with dumb blonde. Happy Chappie 398 WOMAN OF THE WORLD Thirteen years old, 5'2", 40- 34-41. Enjoys field hockey, and Hedda Hopper. Also grasshoppers. Wants sugar daddy, age doesn't matter, money does. Twin Propellors 463 COLLEGE MISS Sophomore in a state univer- sity, pasionate puritan, Tired of pseudo-intellectuals in col- lege, she wants to hear from from all sorts of illiterates. Frenda KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER CAMPUS JEWELERS Ina Tharp Florist WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH CHRISTIAN GIRLS WHY DO UNIVERSITY BOYS PREFER STEPHENS? REMEMBER CHRISTIAN, GIRLS CAN RIDE IN CARS! true april 1952 SMOOCH A Show Me Creation Contents Confessions of a Jellier, by Joe Gold Page 6 Easy Lovin', by Bill Braznell ---------- _ Page 8 On the Loose, by Keith Lampe-------__. Page 10 The 1952 Show-Me Queen _____________ Page 15 Hinty Hints ----_ ----________ ___ Page 21 Hollywood Disrobed, by Joyce C. Greller ____ Page 28 Staff Editor: Herb Knapp; Business Manager, Dude Haley; Adver- tising Manager: Peggy Marak; Publicity Directors Hank Mar- der; Associate Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Feature Editor: Joe Gold; Photo Editor: Jack Brown; Art Editor: Bill Braznell; Secretaries: Bev Burris, Katherine Ryan, MaryAnn Fleming, Joey Bellows; Artists: Bill Andronics, Madge Fisher, Jack Frost, Bill Gale; Photos: Marie Rundberg, Jim Karohl, Henn Liiv; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Rube Erwin, Joyce Greller, Bill Ashlock; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotton, Lois Via; Circulation Manager: Tom Walsh; Circulation Staff Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Don Olsen, John Judge, Bob Hyde; Publicity: Pat Osgood, Fat Kotolov, Jan Hembry, Bob Eubanks. Volume 28 April, 1952 Number 8 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3:30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. 4 editor's ego Last month I announced Show- me would run a parody on TRUE (A Man's Magazine). However, during the fermenting process it was brought to my attention that while some are physically incap- able of visualizing themselves as men." All members of the cam- pus citizenry are eager to imag- ine themseves as "romancers." Hence, "TRUE SMOOCH", a parody on the pamphlets of Aph- rodite. Next time Showme intrudes upon your placid pursuit of know- ledge it will be full of ghosts, gouls, and of course, witches. It will be the long awaited make-up issue. We missed one last fall, re- member? First we thought we'd call it "THE HORROR ISSUE," Whatever it's finally called, we are going to achieve what no oth- er magazine has dared. It's going to be different, my left eye twitches when I think how dif- ferent! Since it will cost us an additional four bucks a page we will have to present a slightly smaller magazine. But, by your sweet togas, it'll be DIFFERENT A TRUE STORY: I was com- pleting a somewhat desultory stirring of my coffee the other day, trying to squash the greasy buhhles sliding around on its surface, when a local lion (Of the species known as "collegitus lit- eriari") slumped weasily into the vacant booth across the aisle. "This'll teach ya ta print that tripe!" (Spoken vehemently, with an inflection of passion.) "Yuh," I answered, trying to mash the grease pellets with my tongue before they slid beyond my reach. "Haaa!" LOOKITTHIS," sput- terred my friend. Suddenly the local contribution to intellectual evolution was offered for my scrutiny. A development that trapped my coffee between table and chin. "A-Uss-Umpa," I muttered, striving for objectivity as I watched those lovely grease blobs swirl and slither near the tip of my nose. "Do ya liket?" The magazine rattled threateningly. "S'nice,"I ventured, still bal- ancing my coffee between nos- trils and saucer. "How can you judge! How can YOU judge!" Coffee slid up my nose as I hastily retreated. "This's a magazine for people of good taste," my companion in- formed me. Then he arose, tuck- ed in his shirt, which has become dissarrayed during one of his early ultimatums, gestured tow- ard the infinite and strode out of my life. My coffee was cold. Quo Vacum!! This incident seemed to de- mand that Showme clarify its views toward the reenergated lit magazine. So. A literary magazine definitely has a place on this campus! Showme hopes the new maga- zine finds its little niche. As it stands, the new mag- azine is covered with the shiny, fascinating newness and some of Swami's writers want to sharpen their literary knives. Showme may satirize the lit mag, but we wish 'em all the luck in the world It's nice to have somebody around worth satirizing. DORN-CLONEY Cleaning CONFESSIONS OF A JELLIER As told to Keith Lampe She thought it couldn't hurt-"just this once". but she was wrong. I'm a jellier. Don't ask me why I know it's wrong, but I don't seem to get any kick out of school unless I jelly. People look at my long blonde hair, my soft doe eyes, and my ruby red lips, parted slightly, and "Tsk, tsk, I never thought she was one of those." People ask me why I don't get to class in the morning. I try! Lord, how I try! But it never does any good. Every morning I leave the house determined to make it to class. And than on my way, almost to my destination, with my goal in sight, with tem- tation almost beaten, I pass Gabe's or Read Hall. And that's when it happens. Tears stream down my cheeks as I write this, but I must tell my story before I can ever feel clean inside again. As I start to pass a coffee hang- out, my willful feet carry my struggling body toward the door. Then, before I know it, the warm friendly atmosphere has engulfed me, and I sit there drinking end- less cups of coffee (which I hate) reveling in an orgy of plea- sure, heedless of the everyday world carrying on its pointless routine tasks outside. I know jellying is wrong. A million people have told me, and 6 I tell it to others. But I can't help myself. I am powerless, when the overwhelming urge subjugates me to its will. They told me at the counseling bureau I could be cured. They said my case wasn't hopeless. They said they had helped many afflicted with my horrible afflic- tion. And they were true to their word. They did help me. But every time on my way back from a treatment, I'd pass one of my old hangouts, and the pushers outside would break down my resistance, and once more I'd be inside caught in the clutches of the sheer joy of jelly- ing, hopped to the gills in dreams. To be there with friends all around and Johnny Ray's voice struggling to get through into my drugged sub-conscious. Viola! For you who have never known the agonizing happiness of the jelly, I warn you-Keep away! Don't do it once with the idea that once won't hurt. Be- cause it will! Try it just once, and you, too, will be like me, a con- firmed addict. And oh, the hor- rible self-destroying thrill of sit- ting there with all worldly cares flown away on the wings of fanci- ful flight. I remember the first time I tried it. "Come on," they said, "just this once won't hurt you." And I, fool that I was, believed them. I didn't want to be differ- ent. I didn't want to be a party pooper. So many others were do- ing it-Why not I? When they brought the first cup of coffee, I looked around fascinated by the looks of bliss- ful detachment on the faces of the drinkers. I looked at my cup. I was afraid but they were looking at me, so I took a tiny sip. It was tasteless, but I finished it, and let the at- mosphere of the place lull me into a false sense of security. I had an- other and another. I couldn't stop In the weeks that followed I spent more and more of my time in jellying places. I got to know the favorite hangout of the pushers. I even learned to play I was proud to have my picture taken then. This was the first time. But others knew . they knew! bridge. At last I was going there every day. I knew it was weaken- ing my moral fiber, but I was powerless to resist. I'd sit there holding the sweaty hand of a fellow addict, and we'd compare the feelings we received from "it." "Horse" we used to call it. But through it all, I could tell that I was sinking deeper and deeper into the rut of anonymity Each jellying session made me crave it more and more. I began to fear that I might become a "mainliner". They couldn't bear waiting for it to hit, and used to get more of a "kick" out of tak- ing it in the arm wih a needle. It was just coffee, but they were so far gone, that the coffee recreat- ed the entire mood of jellying. They were bad off, and it was my fear of becoming a "mainliner" that drove me to my final act. Jellying was all right, but it was costing me a great deal of money. For a while there had seemed to be no end to the mon- ey, but I began to notice, that I was runing short more often than before. But I had to jelly. I had to. Finally I had no more. I couldn't bear to think of life without it. Life was so crass and hard and cruel. But when I jellied, I sailed away on silken clouds of elation. Classes went by, appointments, people, horses; everything was grand. But I had to have money . I be- gan to pick up all the loose change laying around the house, I started taking some that was not so loose. But this was only chick- en feed. It was halfway enough to satisfy my craving for the stuff House elections were coming up, and I made up my mind. For three agonizing days, I somehow managed to stay away from it, promising myself a tremendous binge when the three days were over. I stayed home and talked to the girls who had moved into our house since I had become a jelli- er. Previously I never took much notice of them. I was usually pretty souped up when I hit the sack. I smiled at them and I talk- ed to them. I made them feel that I was their buddy. I promised them things. I knew I didn't have to worry about the ones who were fellow jelliers-I could handle them all right. I was elected treasurer of the house. Immediately I went out and had the greatest "joyride" I had ever had. It lasted for days. Then as treasurer, I wrote checks right and left, putting any reason I could think of in the books. Those two weeks as treas- urer were the greatest I've ever spent. I'd sit in my drunken stu- por and smile wanly at everyone who passed and be off leaping around Jupiter with Flash Gor- don. No longer did I care if I was ever cured. The only thing that mattered was getting hopped up jellying and sailing away to the Elysian Fields, where I could romp in the meadows like a child I was writing a check, when the sheriff started to auction off our furniture. He had me by the arm and said something about bankruptcy, but I didn't under- stand him. It was time to jelly, and I was trembling with antici- pation. Finally when the house was bare, all the girls came out and filed past one by one cursing me as they passed. Then the sheriff took me away, my frail body shuddering wretchedly in its need for a jelly. For years now I have been stand- ing here in my little two by two by six cell, banging my head against the wall and wondering WHY? Why did I ever succumb in the first place? I'll never know. but if I only had a cup of coffee. 7 EASY LOV'EN "THEY CALLED ME SEXLESS UNTIL ONE DAY. AND THEN BY GOSH,BY GOSH, BY GOSH I was a particularly sensative child-self-conscious, shy and un- loved. I liked my little playmates, but they soon learned to avoid me. You see, I was different. Every afternoon while I was playing hopscotch, mumbly-peg, and jump rope, my friends would be out behind the shed playing with little girls and drinking pos- tum from old tomato cans. I soon became known to them as "Sex- less Sid." "There goes Sexless Sid," they would say, "He hasn't had a good neck in months." I would laugh carelessly at my friends remarks and then go home and beat my head against the bedpost. * Out of my self-pity and shame, a great dream began to shape in my battered brain. I would be like the others-no-a thousand times better than they. I would 8 study and study-and then some- day, I would be a Great Lover. And so I began reading every famous love story I could find- asking-doing research. Gradual- ly, piece by piece, I gathered my information. In my studies I discovered one great truth: little boys are differ- erent from little girls! Not only that-little girls aredifferent from little girls! Therein lay the secret of sex-variety!! With this basic assumption, I set about developing scores of "formulas" or "approaches" which I could select to use on any one of the great variety of women who might stray within grasp. I tested these approaches on countless women. The results were phenomenal. I have carefully set down be- low one of my more successful formulas so that you, the unini- tiated may reap a similar harvest Try them all-have fun while you learn. INTELLECTUAL APPROACH Costume: Cashmere scarf pro- truding from M.U. tee shirt, Chartreuse beret festooned with honorary keys and Dewey but- tons. Vented burlap lounging jacket with matching knicker- bockers, Patent leather hob-nail- ed jodpurs with rubber mud- guards. Scene: Candle-lite bistro in sub- terranean depths of Read Hall. Characters: You, Her. "Quaint spot, what?" "Yup." "Quickly shift date into fireman's carry and trot towards nearest shrubbery." "Jove! Isn't that Bach's Fifth Rondo for Wind instruments and glockenspiel? Fantastic, the clar- ity and movement of the third stanza, don't you know." "Yup." "Read anything by F. Scott late- ly?" "Fitz-Gerald?" "Who else?-Not to change the subject but would you mind aw- fully if I embraced you" "Yup." "Posh-You sorority drabs are all alike." I could elaborate on this dialog for pages and pages, but, after all, we aren't interested in conversa- tion when sex is staring us in the face, are we? We proceed then to the physi- cal aspects of our topic. For pur- poses of explanation, I will des- cribe "The Great Maneuver" (or "Big Move" as it is vulgarly re- ferred to) in numerical series. Follow this simple guide for prompt, imediate results. You are walking you date to- ward her dormitory or sorority house. Dark shapes are all about you-you want to be one of the gang, don't you son? Right! At the count of: ONE. Extend right foot across date's path, tripping her. TWO. Pick up date-quickly shifting her into fireman's carry. THREE. Trot gingerly to nearest piece of shielding shrubbery. FOUR. Deposit date behind shrubbery, muffling screams with auxiliary necktie brought for the occasion. FIVE. When cries stop, remove necktie and place left arm around date's middle, keeping right arm free to ward off blow SIX. Place right arm around date's neck. SEVEN. Draw date to you with both arms. (This is known as the "Rus- sian Armpit Lock" in profes- sional wrestling circles-it is illegal.) (Continued on page 12) POEMS OF PASSION SAGA OF SUMMER SEDUCEMENT Oh you came to me in the moonight And all through the warm evening long I listened to tales of your sweet plight In the strains of a summer love song. In my ear did you hum And my heart strings did strum As I listened to each new outpour. And my heart skipped a beat And I looked at my feet But I little dreamed what you'd come for. In my ear did you sing And I hoped for a ring But no ring did you ever produce. Then I knew that your plan Was as ancient as man For lover, you'd come to seduce. Then my ear you did bite And I jumped in afright And I turned on the light and said. "please go." Then I gave you a slap And I jumped from your lap Having fled from your trap, you . mosquito. M. L. Fitzgibbons Yes Officer I WAS "ON THE LOOSE!" Yes, I was a college girl on the loose. I'll talk. I'll admit it. In fact, I was a high school girl on the loose. But back to 1951, that year when I lost 'mom amie'. (That's French. I learned a little bit at Stephens College, you know). He left me in May of that year. Or at least it was shortly after April. And he had been so nice, oh so very nice to me that Spring I'll never forget that afternoon when I first saw Monk Reefer- strau. He was standing sedately in front of Central Dairy, wear- ing lovely bib overalls and the prettiest 'M' jacket I have ever seen. His first words will remain with me always. As I snaked past him, he said "Geezawz, ketch da' mug on dat one." I knew then that my desperate prayers for a suave, cosmopolitan University student had been ans- wered. How can I describe the way I felt in that moment when his eyes met mine? I guess there's a time in every woman's life when she's ripe for love, another time when she's ready, just plain ready for anything. 10 As Told To Keith Lampe A crazy thrill rippled through me as Monk studied me for a long moment. He wasn't hand- some, in fact, his rugged features were almost ugly. But then there was something about that 'M' jacket. I couldn't take my eyes away from its leathery beauty. Because of our schoolwork, Monk and I couldn't see each oth- er often. But when we were to- gether our relationship seemed to be ripening into a real love. For- ever will I remember those few stolen moments on the J-School pastures 'neath star-stained skies. At first, we could hear lusty roars from the Journalism lions. But later there was but an omi- nous silence. Suddenly, in late April, he changed. He wasn't the same wonderful fella whom I had met several weeks earlier. On one oc- casion he told me that he no long- er loved me as he had earlier. But I thought he was too well bred to really mean it. Then came that seemingly end- less evening we spent in his Emi- nent Fraternity House. We had been drinking dehy- drated martinis since dawn of the preceding day. And this had led me to believe that he, in his own cute little way, was trying to drunken me. We talked of one thing and an- other-cabbages, kings, geology, punchboards-and then, sudden- ly,; he drew me fiercely into his arms. Hot flashes shot through my baw-dy. Then I was immers- ed in a quiet, lackluster tranquil- ity. But our little world was slash- ed by a gin-gutted voice shout- ing, "There's something funny in this Fraternity house, and I aim to get to the bottom of it!" "Shades of Truman" Monk cursed, "It's our chapter advis- er!" (Continued on Page 13) 3 LURID TALES GET YOUR KICKS - SEND NOW! Now, for a short time only, Blob of the month club is offering these 3 master-pieces absolutely free! Here's all you have to do to get yours. Cut out the coupon below. Put it in an envelope containing a picture of Abraham Lincoln taken from an old five dollar bill and send it to the address listed below. You will receive, in a plain brown wrapper, these 3 genuine spruce-pulp bound novels plus a life member- ship to Blob of the month Club. If you are not de lighted with these books, feel free to return them within 24 hours of delivery. To show our good will, we shall ship you immediately a big, economy sized bottle of time-fused uranium dust. ACT NOW! CAROUSAL NIGHT CLUB Are your tootsies ready for am- putation? Are you up to your neck in bunions, callouses and other ordinary hoof diseases? Are you ashamed to get your weekly pedicure? You'll never make out with the pedicurist if you have to hand her your ugly marred foot. It's bad enough they smell. It's harvest time for the corn field on your foot with Madame Curie's Corn Plasters. Just adhere the sticky side of one of the Madame's Plasters to the outside of your shoe where the corns are the biggest, and your aches are over. Tested and proved by the Hot- tentots for 6 years. (Continued from Page 9) EIGHT. Breathe deply 20 times making little panting noises with each exhale. NINE. Place hand upon back of date's head and jerk it around a bit until her nose is lodged firmly against yours. TEN. Gaze soulfully into date's eyes for one minute, allowing eyelids to flutter intermit- tently* *Extreme care must be tak- en not to exceed the prescribed gazing time. I have known men to become permanently and in- curably crosseyed through ov- er-exposure. ELEVEN. Kiss her-you idiot. Now that the ice has been bro- ken, your own imagination and physical dexterity are your only limitations-you are ready to make love. Goodnight, kiddies- Gung-ho-viva le sex. THE END Rockabye baby In the tree top, Better not fall It's a hell of a drop. -2 EXPERIENCED Coronet player who's had eight. Would like to corres- pond with number nine. Please be nice; he's getting tired. I. Ben Had 654 MANDALAY Pretty, peppy, Oriental girl wants to hear from any man who might be interested in matrimony or related sub- jects. Lotus Pray 719 TRAVELING SALESMAN Sloppy, jovial, fat man would like to hear from anyone who doesn't live on a farm Mr. Snow * * * Prof: "And what do you do when you hear the fire alarm, young man?" Senior: "I get up and feel the wall, and if it ain't hot, I go back to bed." "Tis better to have loved and lost-much better." LEARN-2-DRIVE Co. BILL BRAZNELL "We took that one a little wide, didn't we Miss Bilge?" (Continued from Page 10) "Where is Monk Reeferstrau?" the whiskey-warped voice con- tinued. "In the hot box, sir," came high-pitched, polite tones, (I lat- er learned that a 'hot box' is a room used for illegally 'spiking' rushees.) Then the door flew open and the Scotch-sodden voice said, "Ah-hah! So! And three years behind on your housebill, too!" Well, you probably know the rest of my story. I was dismissed from Stephens and told that, get this, that I colud never again at- tend Vespers. Never again attend Vesp- . Ves-. Vespers! (Miss J uean at this point burst into tears.) Today I have outlived the shame steming from my deprav- ed collegiate days. I am a suc- cessful goods saleslady with a prominent firm. I did not have to tell this shocking story. But I want to point out to other young women how terribly easy it is to slip ov- er the edge of despair into disas- ter. Besides, there's money in this con- fession racket. * * * And then there was the pass- enger who asked the captain of the boat to tell her when the tide would rise so she could close her porthole. CARL F. MEDLEY HILLAS' LIQUORS ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE 13 In love with a girl of fourteen who was destined at birth to be- come much older, Haydn Sieck was an escapist from the word go. That is to say, if you were to walk up to Haydn Sieck and say "go," he would. He was that sort of a fellow. Despite all this, Haydn was no complete fool. (The advantages of an incomplete fool may escape you. Don't worry about them; they don't worry about you.) He and Olive Drabb, for that was the girl's name, would stroll, run and leap about the greenery of State U. until all hours, and this was all very romantic. Besides, there was something about State U.'s greenery that naturally as- sumed a romantic character at 3 a.m. Perhaps it was the moon- light sifting through the foliage; perhaps it was the grotesque shadow cast by the finest ex- ample of gothis architecture in the Midwest; perhaps it was. the girls sneaking back into the Gamma house; perhaps it was the boys sneaking back into the Gam ma house. There was something about that Gamma house. But picture, if you will, these two nymph-like creatures (make that gnome-like creatures) cav- orting deliciously about the state- supported landscape and drop- ping exhausted at the foot of a small hill God, how romantic. "Haydn," Olive said, clasping his hand tightly in her own, "I'll be fifteen next month". "Stop squeezing my hand," he said, "I have a ring on that fin- ger." "Of course you do, darling," she conceded. "I'm sorry." She understood about things like that the dear child. She understood how one could clasp one's ring- fingered hand and, unthinking, literally crush the metal through LUV at 3 A.M. J. Anderson the epidermis, inflicting a third- degree injury of considerable pain and causing one to say "ouch" or "dammit." Olive un- derstood, because she love. Haydn and because she had been a nurse's aid since the age of six. "Haydn," Olive whispered a- new, "I've been a nurse's aid since the age of six." "I know," said Haydn. "You just know everything Haydn," she said in what might best be described as a breathy tone. "Maybe that's why I love you so much." "Yes, Olive," he said, "and you should get rid of that breathy tone. It might be asthma." He gathered her close to him and they kissed for 37 minutes, coun- terclockwise. Olive rested her head on Haydn's shoulder, where it looked better than it did on her own. Now he could feel her heart beating wildly against his. Hay- dn spoke: "Which side is your heart on?" "Why?" "It seems to be beating wildly against mine, and we're facing in opposite directions." "Well, I'll be damned," Olive whispered. "Don't swear, Olive," Haydn cautioned, "I hate to hear a 14- year-old girl swear." "I'll be fifteen next month," she said. "I hate to hear 15-year-old girls swear, too." "But Haydn, don't you think I have a mind of my own?" "No leading questions, please," He caressed her softly. Then he caressed her hardly. Then he hardly caressed her. It was all very complicated. (Continued on Page 19 The staff and editors of TRUE SMOOCH are proud to be chosen to present to the public the "University of Missouri Showme Queen for 1952, Miss Jeanne Carpenter. The cooperation we re- ceived from the "Show- me" magazine was ex- tremely gratifying! This year's Showme Queen is JEANNE CARPENTER, a beau- tiful Education Senior who trans- ferred to the university in Febr- uary. Jeanne seems to have taken the staid '52 campus by storm, winning the contest a month and a half after getting to Columbia. She is 5 feet 8 inches tall and weighs 125 pounds. Jeannie's hair is light brown and Stephen Fos- ter would have been proud to write songs about her. Her eyes, usually crinkled in a smile, change from green to grey to ha- zel, which is rather confusing, but all the more attractive. Jeanne likes to knit, roller skate and play the piano (Cho- pin). She also enjoys bowling, "but everybody laughs." The first three years of college Jeanne attended Harris Teachers College in St. Louis. She says now that she wishes she had come to Mizzou all four years. The Queen insists she doesn't want to get married "at least un- til she's 25." Jeanne is 21 years old, has liv- ed in St. Louis all her life, and drinks coffee with three tea- spoons of sugar. THE 1952 SHOWME QUEEN JEAN CARPENTER Her Majesty in Saint Louis. After the trip into St. Louis, Miss Carpenter prepares for the evening ahead with a dinner at the Melbourne Hotel's beautiful dining room. the Queen is shown relaxing in the Governor's Suite of the Melbourne, where she and her mother spent the night. Here Miss Carpenter is with Mr. Otis Kelly, the Melbourne's Publicity Director, who made all the arrangements for her stay in the city. 16 About to go down to dinner, Miss Carpenter takes one last look in the mirror of the luxuri- ous Governor's Suite. Her Majesty in Saint Louis. Chuck Norman, well-known St. Louis disc jockey, escorts the Queen to an evening filled with the music of Ray Anthony and Pee Wee Hunt that ended with the acting of Richard Arlen in "Made in Heaven" at the Em- press Theater. PHOTOS BY J. BROWN (Left to right) Barbara Jones, the queen's at- tendant, Ray E. Carr, Manager, Melbourne Ho- tel, Robert E. Perry, Di- rector Empress Playhouse formerly director of the SHOWME QUEEN Miss Jeanne Carpenter. This picture was taken at a re- ception given by the Mel- bourne for Jeanne and members of the SHOW- ME staff. Miss Carpenter is shown holding a Crosley por- table radio that was given the SHOWME QUEEN winner by Vic Stepka, lo- cal sales manager of Crosley Corporation. Photo by Max Gould Studio 17 Her Majesty in Saint Louis. Her Majests ATTENDENT This years the Showme Queen attendant is the petite Miss BAR- BARA JONES. Like "Queen Jeanne," Barbara is a newcomer on the campus. She is a second semester Freshman majoring in Education. Eighteen years old, Miss Jones consists of five feet two of blond loveliness, a pair of intriguing blue eyes, and 108 pounds of perfectly distributed appeal. She tells us she is currently re- siding in Hannibal but is quick to add that she is really from Calif- ornia. Her comment on Mizzo, "We never had weather like this in California," and there wasn't a single prompter from the Sun- shine State's Junior Chamber of Commerce in sight. Barb did admit a weakness for Chinese food and parties, nice parties, she added. If the poised Miss Jones is a fair sample of fe- male California we are tempted to grab the first plane for U.S.C. and start all over again out there. Here Jean is on the stage of the Empress Playhouse Mr. Perry has just fin- ished signing her to a one week contract to begin April 15. Ruth Chatter- ton will play the leading role. (Continued from Page 14) "Do you really love me, Haydn?" Olive asked. "Why do you ask?" he count- ered. "Why do you counter?" she asked. "Ladies first." "Well, the . I feel there has ben friction between us for the past week." "Really, Olive." "I don't mean that-we seem to be growing apart, Haydn." "Would you rather we grow together? That's for Siamese twins, Olive-Siamese twins, I tell you." Haydn was irritated. He continued: "Maybe you're right though-maybe things are not the same." "What do you mean?" "You're lousy with questions tonight, Olive," He pulled out his slide rule. "I mean that when I am twenty-five, you'll be nine- teen; when I'm thirty, you'll be twenty-four; when I'm thirty- five, you'll be twenty-nine." "But what difference does that make?" ". when I'm thirty-seven, you'll be thirty-one; when I'm 114 you'll be 108." "But what's the difference?' "Six, idiot. The difference is six. six. SIX Every time I turn around the difference is six!' He turned around. The dif- ference was six. "See what I mean?" "I think you're being foolish," Olive said pushing away from him. This did not set well with Haydn Sieck. He hit her with his slide rule, right on the multiplier It sounded like three polar bears humming the Anvil Chorus. He hit her harder. Four polar bears this time, in the manner of Fred Waring's Pennsylvanians. "I can't take much more of this, Haydn," Olive said. "Don't care for The Pennsyl- vanians, eh? Well, that's the way it goes." he began to beat her senseless until he realized he could get the same results by leaving her alone. . Keep this stuff up for fif- teen pages and you've got a short story. THE END No matter how lightly oppor- tunity knocks at the door, the housemother always hears it. WATCH THE FORDS GO BY "Oh I dreamed I stopped traffic in my Laden-Charm garb And emerged from the street a surviver." But here this ain't true Cause with cars at M.U. You'd have to be Lady Godiver. M. L. Fitzgibbons Many of our young engineers spend a lot of time tinkering with the misses in their motors. BRADY' S "Gosh, do they all wear cottons from Julie's?" Frozen Gold Swami ' s Snorts Why doesn't Dorothy wear corsets? Oh, just to promot better feel- ings. Two rabbits went out into the woods and had a hare-raising ex- perience. * * * * Pledge: There's a woman peddler at the front door. Active: We'll take two. I know a guy who swallows swords. That's nothing, I inhale camels. A priest saw one of his parishon- ers hanging drunkenly over a lamp post. "For shame, young man, what's gotten into you." "Three fathers, feather." Errol Flynn and Charlie Chap- lain have collaborated on a new movie to be released soon . . the title is "On Whom the Belles Told." 67 STEVEDORE Young lady (under 53) like" dogs and old men. Would like to hear from either. Magnolia A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter: "Have yez any whale?" No. "Have yez any shark?" No. "All right," said the Irishman, "then bring me a big steak smothered with onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish." BEAUTY Introducing our Beauty Counse- lor, Helena Glutz, founder of charm schools scattered through- out Greenland, Abyssinia, and India. She prides herself in her missionary work . Helena only speaks 16th Century Chip- pendale and commutes to her stu- dents via a enuch. Creating coiffures is Helena's specialty. Preferring the hot wave to a cold wave, Helena manages to sculpture hairdos extraordin- aire. Originator of the Afghanis- tan Hound Cut (she wears a mod- ified version herself) and the Cuckatoo Tail, she has just come out with her latest, the Mule Belly Roll. Neat rolls of curls, re- sembling a donkey doubled over are duplicated completley around the victim's head. Sure to be a suc cess in Columbia. Miss Glutz has a reputation for making queens. Here is a picture of one of her more successful stu- dents. Now Queen of England, Queen Lizzie followed Glutz's beauty plan faithfully for 60 yrs. Note the pleased, triumphant ex- pression on her face. Aly Khan, Jr., has just asked her out. These are legs? Once slim, firm- and shapely, these legs develop- ed bulging muscles and varicose veins. Somewhere along the line, Helena failed. She stressed the wrong kind of exercise. FASHION Recapturing the days of the Klan boys, we are featuring the Klux Look. Three hun- dred yards of black suede veiling is wrap- ped around each model until the desired ef- fect is achieved. No date is complete without slipping into your flattering satin briefs, 1/2 denier black hose, chic steel knee guards, and high lace gym shoes. Look bewitching in a Capone Ab- original. Designed for the zombie with taste, this little ensemble is the rage in Moberly. Getting ready to go to a resort? By all means, buy this versatile bathing suit, known as the Hot Suit. Remove the head-piece, add rhinestone earrings, and you're new spring pastels, air pump is extra. Old Meg and Effie dolled up in their John Fredrich's poke bonets for the Hoe Down. The design borrowed from the pilgirms, spells flattery and allure. It comes with hair attached especially for bald women. Activity and sports are synony- mous with a healthy life. These guys are out leaping to the hunt. Their life will even be healthier if the hunt is successful. They are wearing special pants, designed for an active life and constructed of rubber. Here we see that health does not necessarily imply clean living. Harry Hippo attributes his vigor to filth, squalor and mud. His methods have been tried by sev- eral peoples and found successful. We have chosen Eleanor as evi- dence that you can lead a fast life and still remain healthy. We caught this snap of her during her lecture of the Atlantic. By no means a play-girl, she still man- ages to get her jollies. What's her secret? Nothing but spinach, sex and Hemo. Another health secret. Mrs. At- las, left, wakes up every morn- ing at 7:00, practices Yogi, stands in front of the open window, takes 20 deep breaths, pounds her chest, and waves to the iceman. As a result she is healthy, but flat-chested. HEALTH PERSONALITY Even a dog can get lucky with proper advice from our personality clinic. No more dates with tired French Poodles. Turn on the that canine charm and captivate a live number. Red-Hot-Mamma-300 pounds of fun. Wow! Nothing vampy about this babe, she is constantly in demand. Play is cool, and apply the naive ap- proach. Be innocent, no matter how much it hurts. Boys don't like prudes, true, but they may come back in style. So just be coy, and you can shock them later. This technique is especial- ly good if you have a prison record or a "past." In a recent personality meet, these 3 girls copped top laurels and the Bela Lugosi personality prizes. Let's face it they've got to save charm and person- ality with bodies like that. Beauty or Beast, personality is defin- itely an asset in certain types of soci- eties. You can't be a party ape without it. PINNING A very popular current sport is common law pinnings. It requires skill, strategy, endurance and a lust for life in the raw. Here we see Mop-A-Long Chastity getting ready for the Pin. When in doubt, attach first Check on the pawn value of the pin to your sweater during an embrace. He'll think he did it dur- the heat of passion and won't dare reclaim it. Victory and contentment-no more date problems for at least a month. But-Is it true love or mere animal passion? For the formal pinning, never trust him. Always have it done via your mother, with his moth- er and house-mother as witness- es, and his EX as best woman. Note the souvenirs of previous pinnings on girls arms. Wot happened, I've lost my pin, friends, girl, and confidence, and my grades have dropped. Oh well only a skip, hop and jump to Reno. tastee-freez DON L. SMALL G-E STORE H.R. Mueller Florist SWAMI 'S SNORTS "Honey, why do you talk so slowly?" he asked. "Huh! You think I talk slowly," she drawled. "You should hear my sister. Last week she had a date and stopped the car along a lonely lane. Be- fore she could tell him she wasn't that kind of a girl, she was." * * * Little Boy: What do you repair shoes with? Cobbler: Hide. Little Boy: Why should I hide? Cobbler: Hide! Hide! The cow's outside. Little Boy: So what? Who the hell's afraid of an old cow? Motor Cop, after a hard chase: "Why didn't you stop when I shouted back there?" Driver, with only five dollars, but presence of mind: "I thought you just said, 'Good morning, Senator'." Cop: "Well you see, Senator, I wanted to warn you about driv- ing fast through the next town- ship." Scene in English Pub. " Ello Mary, you 'avin' one?" "No, it's just the cut of the bloom in' coat." A New England epitaph reads: "Here lies an atheist. All dressed up and no place to go." * * * Pilot to tower. pilot to tower plane out of gas. Am miles out over ocean at 300 feet. losing altitude fast. Radio instruction!" "Tower to pilot. repeat after me; 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven." "How'd you puncture your tire?" "Ran over a bottle of milk." "Didn't you see it, huh?" "Naw, the kid had it under his coat. A visitor recently came to America. Every effort was made to show him the wonders of our country. He was shown the Yell- owstone River, a rainless day in Los Angeles, the mint in Phila- delphia, and the Empire State Building in New York. At the end of his tour he seemed a bit dissatisfied. "Is there anything you haven't seen yet that you'd like to?" he was asked. "Yes," he replied. "It's a woman. I want to see with my own eyes that mar- velous Mrs. Obitch, who had so many sons in Europe during the war. "Any big men born around here?" the vacationist asked. "Nope," replied the Vermont native. "Kinda old fashioned in this neck of the woods. Best we can do is babies. Diffrunt in the city, I suppose." * * "I represent the Mountain Cheap Wool Company," began the snappy young salesman. "Would you be interested in coarse yarns?" "Gash, yes," breathed the gal hopefully. "Tell me a couple." Pistachio had been very happy when his wife had a son. They decided to name him Tom, but the birth certificate came back with the name Thomas, so rath- er than cause confusion, Pis- tachio let it go. Some time lat- er, they had another little boy. Pistachio called the registrant of births on the phone. "Looka here, you . last year I had a boy and I want him name Tom . you make it ThomAS. This- a one's name going to be Jack. Now let's not have any more trouble from you." JACK LATCH'S CAFETERIA Sudden Service Cleaners and SHIRT LAUNDRY At OASIS LIQUORS and DOWNTOWN LIQUORS UNATTACHED SENIOR FEMALES GETTING WORRIED? Call: DATES OF LAST RESORT" "Tis Better to Be Boved Than Be Lonely!" Knights in Shining Armor Our Specialty DATES OF LAST RESORT 28 "TAILS OF HOFFMAN"- Shown with selected shorts. Breif, but enjoyable, we'll all enjoy the fast, tricky belly work of Moira Shearer and Charles Laughton as Hoffman, who is re- ally on his toes, but more often on his end. Though rehearsing for the role 10 months under the experienced guidance of the great Pavlova, he manages to execute nothing more than a fast clog dance, with an occasional bump and grind. Moira and Charles both looked devine though in their pink tights, nylon tulles and gliter dust above. Any flaws in the dancing is compensated by the fabulous backdrops borrowed from Walt Disney's "Beaver Is- land." In fact, the entire plot is stolen from this movie which ac- counts for occasional eagerless beavers. Hollywoo DJJRO by Grellu "OH YOU CAN'T GET A MAN WITH A SHOWBOAT IN PAR- IS EVEN THOUGH IT'S RAIN- ING CARUSO." A combination of 5 wonderful musicals featuring a medley of songs from "Death of a Sales- man" and "Bride of a Gorilla". The picture was photographed entirely on yellow film which ne- cessitates wearing ski goggles which are passed out inside to everyone with force at $5 a pair. "MARLON BRANDO" A silent film showing excerpts from Marlon Brando's last 37 movies. It doesn't matter which movie, because he wears an un- dershirt in each one. As the ac- tion increases, the undershirts get sweatier and smellier, so we learn through the Yugoslavian Sub-titles. In one scene he is forced to remove his undershirt for the laundryman. But instead of seeing an exciting view of his bar, hairy chest, he has, to the disappointment of the girls, a cleverly concealed alternative camisole underneath. Who dreamt that one up? Marjorie Main, of "Madonna of the 7 Moons" or "I Work By Night" fame, is the love interest in a captivating chemise. They had to make money some- how on this flicker. It was all photographed inside a whale to give it a realistic touch. And it has an all-star cast of such old favorites as Harry Carey, Laura LaPlante, Hoot Gibson and Gil- bert Roland. The production is an extravaganza from the word ., and an example of Movie- land's newest innovation, Talkies. Betty Hutton and Clifton Webb's big love scene in the middle of the trapeze act is daring and in- spired a new movie. LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U.S. town names. Examples: From RYE, N. Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pair- ings as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relation- ship between the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes Contest closes June 30, 1952. All entries should arrive at Life Sav- ers, Port Chester, not later than June 30, 1952 to qualify. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning com- binations may be used in future advertisements, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N.Y. PEP O MINT LIFE SAVERS MARAVILLOSO LIPSTICK 29 MOVIES Cont. "HOW TO LIE FLAT ON YOUR BACK EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE CURVATURE OF THE SPINE." A currently revived posture film now being shown in health centers and clinics throughout the country. Inspired by the old "Hunchchest of Vassar," it has an all round-shouldered, hunch- back cast. Quizzle, an old sway- backed mare left over from the "SHOE SHINE" An impressive foreign film creted by the manufacturers of Griffith All White. Does have a certain commercial tinge. Stars those 2 great dramatic artists, Laurel and Bardy. There's a tre- mendous scene when Laurel is shining Bardy's white bucks with Johnson's Shinola, an alien brand, and as a result, both are sentenced to wear red satin op- era pumps till their 70th birth- day. To achieve realism, the the- atre is embalmed with the strong fumes of shoe polish for every show which nauseates the audi- ence further. It ends with all barefoot infidels sentenced to polishing stadium boots in Tam- pa, Florida. "THE AFRICAN QUEER" Nau tical but Nice! With Katherine Hepburn as Tugboat Annie and Humphrey Bogart as Captain Andy. Frank '28 Kentucky Derby, is starred opposite June Sallyson, who in spite of her sagging deltoid, looks terrif in a leotard. The movie consists of 10 straight hours of vigorous exercising with the "An- vil Chorus" played constantly in the background. It is subversive in parts when a bunch of unor- ganized sway-back peasants pick- et the exercycle factory with "Down with Lousy Latissimus Dorsi" signs, referring to a rup- tured bandleader. Sinatra plays the part of Billy Budd, but walks the plank with- in the first 2 minutes of screen- play and is last seen being de- voured by a rainbow trout as he sings-"Mississippi Mud." It in- volved a perilous sea journey around Lake Titicaca on the Af- rican Liner, Queen Mary. Hubba Hubba, Goodrich Rubba life- boats adorn the poop deck. With only Anie and Andy as a crew, they both go mad by the end of the movie, frantically trying to keep the ship on its course, stok- ing the furnace and performing cabin duty. They don't even have time for a love scene. There is one passenger aboard, Frances Scott Key, played by Johnny Ray who is leaning over the ship's rail, crying and creating the "Star Spangled Aloe Oei", while watching the chem lab ex- plode on Red Campus. THE END Then there was the Scotchman who bought a car when he found out his wife had gas on her stomach. M-BAR CALL TREASON Swami is rushing around these days with an international air. The Comies have finally recog- nized the danger in the old boy and have lifted a picture from Showme. A very leftist Paris weekly, "Regards" used a 1948 photo printed in Showme as the basis of a dig at us filthy capitalists what ain't even got enough mon- ey to get drunk and stay drunk, as they seem to be on fifths of distilled Marxism. This picture originally had the caption: "The New Look has hit football at M.U. Spring practice. Faurot made short pants for his boys. Here's Ches Fritz, Tiger tackle, fore and aft." That was how Showme used it. "Regards" wrote: "God didn't take a thousand years to prepare the English-speaking people just for idle contemplation of them- selves. No! He made us fit to gov- ern so that we may lead barbaric and senile peoples. From all races He chose the American people to lead the world to its final regeneration." The picture was used in a fea- ture story on 'American life and traditions, and the caption was from a fifty year old speech by a Senator Beveridge. In the true spirit of interna- tional brotherhood Swami in- tends to publish a picture of Uncle Joe with captions written by Louella Parsons. SURPRISE MISSOURI UNIVERSITY WILL ADMIT A Limited Number of Vacationers to its Famous Summer Session. Flunk Now and Vacation in Beautiful Columbia! mademoiselle the novus shop OUR READERS WRITE US Dear Sir: It has come to my attention that one of your writers accuses this magazine of piracy because we have a dept. called "Around the Columns." It was my intention to drop this title because of the unfortunate possibility that we might acciden- tally be thought of as having some connection with your maga- zine? You flatter yourself, sir! A check was made and it was found that Showme ran a column (?) titled "Showme Shows" for sometime. From 1939-40 there was a lapse of several issues, still without the present column (?). The first Showme to have the present column titled "Around the Columns" was sometime in the interval 1941-43, but did not have the month or year of publi- cation. My, what a busy little bee. Wassit dark in them thar archieves? "Around the Columns" was first used in the Shamrock in 32 1939 and has been a standing col- umn ever since. That lets us out. Ours is a "sitting column." Who is the pirate? The suspense is terrific! Wassit Capt. Kidd? Wassit Huh? Huh? A copy of this letter is being forwarded to the Student for its information and because we feel that the coverage will probably be more useful in spreading the truth of this matter. Your RIGHT This is news for the STUDENT. THE WHOLE CAMPUS IS A- GOG. Positively AGOG! If you decide to print this let- ter for your few readers, please try to keep the typographical er- rors somewhat below your usual standard so it will be readable. Oh, yes, we will try. This above all else should be "readable." It's soo VITAL Dontcha kinda wish yer "readable" trade pamphlet had as much circulation as our unreadable magazine? To misquote, "A palagarist be any other name would smell- like Showme." ROBERT C. STANFORD Editor, Missouri Shamrock (for the benefit of the uni- itiated the SHAMROCK is an Engineers trade maga- zine.) And Bob, (Dare I be so informal 'scuse please.) Mr. ROBERT C. STANFORD, (Yusee I DO rea- lize the importance of your posi- tion) SHOWME has never con- sidered giving up the name. It has never occured to us that we would be confused with the SHAMROCK. Hope this doesn't frustrate youse? Yea, and verily the SHAMROCK and the STU- DENT shall patter down their pompus paths together. Cin we uns come to the wedding if we bring a gift. Ed. IN REPLY TO STONE'S. ARTICLE What matter of man, this Stone, Who could Or would Lay an "aig"-, Damn our ubiquitous Missouri Ag With praises faint And phrases quaint? Shall we stoop, throw Stone for Stone? Ah. No. Between the rustic Hinkson and the mighty Mo, Comes the Academic revolution A far by better solution. Tis better so- To rally 'round And Whooooeee the man down! (Althogether boys and slightly upwind.) S. McPheeters Out a hat over it, Curly, we've all had a look HERE'S CURLY, the only man in the world who ever had a head of hair. Comes the middle of winter with snow and ice or hot summer days with the sun beating down and Curly still keeps his locks bared for all to gasp at. Frankly, wavy locks don't do a whole lot more for us than any other kind of hair, but ob -iously they do for Curly, and that's why we feel a little sorry for him. The best way not to keep those curls looking pretty is to wander around without a hat. Honest. A hat is primarily for protection, protection for your hair and your health. The hot sun dries up your hair and your scalp, and cold winds and rain and snow beat- ing against a bare head are a cold bug's best allies. Here's something for psych 1-2: Curly doesn't look any better without a hat. As a matter of fact, he looks like a darned fool. But some- thing deep down in Curly's libido makes him think he's climbing up Dr. Adler's Male Complex ladder when he struts around like a rugged bear. Curly, like everyone else, would look a whole lot better and feel a lot better, too, if he'd let a hat protect his health and improve his appearance. "Wear a Hat It's as Healthy as It's Handsome!" These fine hat labels have published this advertise- DOBBS CAVANAGH KNOX ment in the interests of good grooming and good health of American men. BERG BYRON C & K DUNLAP Divisions of the Hat Corporation of America-Makers of Fine Hats for Men and Women Camel Cigarettes