Missouri Showme May, 1952Missouri Showme May, 195220081952/05image/jpegPublications & Alumni CommunicationsThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195205Missouri Showme May, 1952; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1952
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The Surrealist Issue
In your recent TO THE
WOODS ISSUE, Miss Greller
mentioned that Mickey Rooney
played an alligator in "Distant
Drums." Would you say this was
a 'bit' part?
P.S. Lets have no cutting re-
marks on this one.
That's swordenly 0. K. with me
Not since the "GOD BLESS
US EVERY ONE ISSUE" have
I received my copy of SHOWME.
This worries me. For I know my
subscription has not expirea.
Therefore I have found myself
wondering if SHOWE has? If so,
and if some disagreement with
the faculty is the cause, please
feel free to use my name as a
If not, please feel free to send
me the issues I have missed.
Yours very truly,
Will do, and we appreciate your
gesture. . . Ed.
For the benefit of those couri-
ous people who looked Litner R.
Mayfied up in the student direc-
tory and found he didn't exist I
do hereby expose . . . This name
is a fusion of the monikers of
four renown gentlemen . . .
1. "Litner" goes with "Jerry"
Tall, gay, witty, save and devi-
2. "R" stands for "Reese, Ter-
ril" AVirle, untamed, emotional
and devilishly handsome
3. "May" signifies "M ay er,
Pete" ACynical, bla'se, a conver-
sational tit for tatter and also
4. "field" represents "Fairfield,
The fabulous, FLASH" Flam-
boyant, friendly, fantastic and . .
yes, devilishly handsome.Q
Iszat O.K. you guys? . . Ed.
Dear Mr. Editor;
Please sir, don't let me down.
I've been waiting all year for a
copy of SHOWME that would
prove to my Daddy that modern
collegians aren't all introspective
monsters. Lets cut out these gig-
glish issues and get some real
bawedy horse laughter. I am tired
of smirking at subtlies. Get rough!
Horray for lust.
A dissappoint fan.
Give us your address next time
pal and we'll invite you to the
next Board of Publications meet-
ing . Ed.
. . to acknowledge receipt of my
first copy of SHOWME.
. the subscription was made for
(Continued on page 26)
TIGER LAUNDRY & DRY
YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE
* Play Like, C. Russel --------------- 10
* Centerspread, P. Kilpatrick -------- 12
* The Spirits, W. McNaughton ------ 17
* Horror of the Month ----------- - 19
* A Great Truth _--------------- 21
* Witch and Goul of the Month ----- 28
* V. I. A., J. C. Greller ----------- - 29
Cover by J. Brown
Cover by J. Brown
Editor: Herb Knapp; Business Manager, Dude Haley; Adver-
tising Manager: Peggy Marak; Publicity Directors Hank Mar-
der; Associate Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Feature Editor: Joe
Gold; Photo Editor: Jack Brown; Art Editor: Bill Braznell;
Secretaries: Bev Burris, Katherine Ryan, MaryAnn Fleming,
Joey Bellows; Artists: Bill Andronics, Madge Fisher, Jack
Frost, Bill Gale; Photos: Marie Rundberg, Jim Karohl, Henn
Liiv; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Rube Erwin,
Joyce Greller, Bill Ashlock; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotton,
Lois Via; Circulation Manager: Tom Walsh; Circulation Staff
Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Dpn Olsen, John Judge, Bob
Hyde; Publicity: Pat Osgood, Fat Kotolov, Jan Hembry, Bob
Well, I hear SHOWME'S be-
ing run by a click again. It sure
is! We've got all the marbles and
we're not gona let anyone else
play unless th've got a recom-
mendation from Fluer Cowles or
at least, one of the "Hearst Boys."
In order to clear up any possi-
ble misconstrusions, malconcep-
tions or bashfulprehensions I do
thusly expond . . . ARTICALE 1,
Section B.: During the past year
SHOWME has published more
creations by previously unex-
ploited contributors than at any
time in it's history. ARTICLE
NUMBER 6, Section Z.: New
contributors will continue to be
looked upon as heaven sent and
welcomed with open arms. AR-
TICAL NUMBER 5, Section D.
HOW TO BECOME A MEMBER
OF THE STAFF OF THE MIS-
1. Come to the magazine. Do
not expect to have someone coax
and coach until you have con-
tributed at least one acceptable
2. Once something is accepted
ask of special assignments.
3. Always leave your address
and telephone number.
4. Don't wait for someone to
call you. The heads of the various
department are published each
month on the contents page. Call
them. Make yourself obnoxious,
they don't mind.
5. If your first contribution is
rejected don't quit. Ask about the
theme of the next issue and work
6. We've aded a lot of new
members to the staff this year
but a good portion of them are
SHOWME is published nine times. September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University
of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not-be retmned
unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis-
ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson
City. Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through
Friday. 304 Read Hall.
graduating and there will be
some awful empty brackets to
fill. In the rejection file in the
SHOWME office are numerous
stories and a few cartoons that
are good enough for publication
anytime. However, the cartoons
are the wrong size, and 'aren't
inked, and the stories were not
applicable to the current theme of
Because your stuff wasn't used'
doesn't mean you are barred from
the magazine. It's just that when
something has to be done the per-
son. who is most capable and most
AVAILABLE gets the job.
I might add that I realize that
my abilities as a mature, discrimi-
nating critic are, for the most
part, delegated powers and are
not aquired or inherited facilities.
I would undoubtedly resent me if
I critized Herb's work if I wasn't
me . . Lets get on another sub-
ject . . But first, the last issue
will be the "I REMEMBER COL-
LEGE ISSUE" . . . you know,
"April in Columbia," "The Last
Time I Saw Stephens," "The
'Hink' is Rolling, Rolling, Rolling
and Will Take McBane Forr It's
John P. (Bawstun) Marquand,
ex-member of the Harvard Lam-
poon's editorial board and recent
subject of a New Yorker profile,
seems to have been an under-
graduate advocate of the same
kind of bludgeon wittisums
Mizzo's cornbelt, negativactionary
allmighties find so unpalatable.
To be sure; in retrospect, the
Lampoon issues of his college
years seem to be written in
"somthing of a code." Nomater,
in college they were . . . apropos:
Another portion of Mr. Mar-
quand's profile described a por-
tion of the initation of a Lampoon
staffer. When a contributor ac-
cumulated the required number
of acceptions he was instructed to
shout through the window of the
Lampoon office, "Fire! Fire! Fire!
Rape! Rape! Rape! Don't shoot!
I'll marry the girl! My Name Is
Suchansuch."' The possibilities ot
adopting this quaint custom as
part of SHOWME'S membership
requirements is itichly intriguing.
Especially since the proximity, ot
the SHOWME office, on the third
floor of Read Hall, to the glitter-
ing array of Dean's' offices on the
second almost assures immediate
:Goul of my dreams!'
Shrieks and howls defile the air,
And professors, walk in pair,
For student minds are horror-shot,
After seven months of peddled rot.
Around The Columns
Overheard IN REGARDS TO THE FOLLOWING-DON'T BELIEVE IT
At a Board of Curators meeting:
From now on we'll give negative hours for all absences during the three weeks prior to a vacation
and the three weeks afterward.
The Bloodshot Eye
April-May . . . the grueling, fevered pitch reaches its .highest point . . the crescendo . .the horrible
sensation of falling into a deep void of examinations and term papers . . . the inexorable week of reckon-
ing coming closer, closer . . . the basic, frightening urge to fall in love . . . sweaty palms in third rate
Columbia movie houses . . . drunken Hinkson orgies with their soul-destroying after-effects . . the stark
terror of wakening up in the bleak light of day, unable to recall the night before . . . "Did I, or didn't I?
. . Oh, God, I did!" . . . Life rolling along, gaining momentum until the flood stage, and the overflowing,
uprooting everything in its path . . . the letter home from the dean . . . the resulting dilemma of the
eagle or the tiger . . . the tiger loses . . . Salute! Damn you!
And Aphrodite Laughed
A new Stephens College rule
requires any male desiring a date
with a Susie to bring along a
letter of rec6mmendation from
his housemother, and a statement
of his financial situation. When
he arrives in the sanctuary of
purity, a blood count will be tak-
en to reduce the possibility of un-
fortunate mishaps due to the RH
When this is completed, the last
step is the signing of a Loyalty
Oath, in which the prospective
dater swears that he "never did.
and never will date a university
In the new literary magazine's
first issue was a page entitled
"Entertainment." Then functions
at "the Churches," at "the Uni-
versity," at "Christian College,"
at "Stephens College," and of
course-the high culture spot of
Columbia-the Tiger Theatre. We
have heard that there is such a
place, but we were unaware of
its high rank by those connois-
seurs of what is culturally ac-
ceptable in Columbia-the edit-
ors, bless their little hearts, of
In a daring expose', SHOWME
has discovered in the files of the
University a ruling in small print
that shows that 130 credit hours
and 145 honor points are need-
ed for graduation. This explains
the large number of supposedly
graduate seniors who are still
wandering around Columbia with
dazed expressions. To keep every-
thing on the up and up, the ruling
is printed in the Columbia Mis-
sourian every December 25 un-
der the stock market quotations.
Here's the latest on the drink-
ing situation. Don't clutch! At a
receni meeting of the City Coun-
cil it vas voted to raise the legal
drink- ag age to 24, and to enforce
it strictly as compared to the
former laxity when even 18-year-
olds were allowed to buy beer
and other alcoholic concoctions.
From September of this year
on, students will be required to
show a birth certificate to buy
any form of alcoholic beverage
from 3.2 beer to 190 proof wood
alcohol. The enlistment of grad-
ers from the university to act as
"spotters" a la the Stephens plan,
will facilitate in the observance of
all drinking places in Columbia.
Any underage student attempt-
ing to buy such drinks is liable
to a fine of fifty dollars and ten
days in jail plus a free punch of
his T. S. card.
Split T Suicide
In case you haven't looked at
Missouri's pigskins schedule for
the coming Fall here's the sched-
Incidentally, another twist in
the negative hour rule has been
put into effect for next semester.
"Any student will pick up a nega-
tive hour for each AWAY game
that he misses."
A survey taken of University
of Missouri graduates of the last
five years shows the following re-
sults which may prove helpful to
Out of 200 graduates, 188 were
earning less than $1900 per year.
Of the remaining 12, 7 were
working for the government and
making upwards of $2200 per an-
num, while the last 5 were mak-
ing about $75,000 apiece and were
being sought by law enforcement
agents from all over the place.
Missouri grads filled all types
of positions, their limited educa-
tion being no bar upon the kind
of employment they were able to
secure. Some were day laborers,
some street cleaners, some coal
miners, some (with M.A. of
course) night watchmen. One
was a cartoonist of sorts, while
another, who never did get to a
single class, became President of
the Rotary Club in East Yogurt,
These results don't look too
bright for up and coming young
students at the old State U today,
but the Sociology Department in-
forms us that it will run another
survey next month "with defi-
nitely different and more pleas-
ing results" for people who would
rather not believe these,
Last week's communique from
the ROTC Department has been
verified by reliable observers and
is reprinted here in full:
Stepping down from control is
Colonel Harris Karris, and mov-
ing up as Commander-in-Chief is
that well known military figure,
General Harvey, the Weird.
The General, viewing his lec-
August 29 Maryland Away
September 12 Tennessee Away
September 26 Illinois Away
October 4 Mich. State Away
October 11 Georgia Tech. Away
October 18 Standford Away
November 3 Notre Dame Away
November 10 Oklahoma Away
November 25 Stephens Home
In an effort to bring in a greater variety of listeners for university concerts, the administration has
decided to mix its classical offerings with more popular stars.
Thus, next year, the lover of good music may be able to hear Blanche Thebom combining with
Frankie Laine on "Hambone" 'or Jerri Southern telling Ferrucio Tagliavini-"You better go now."
Supplementing the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra will be the Firehouse Nine minus Two. Ten-
nessee Ernie and Nathan Milstein will combine in what should be the oddest arrangement of the "Hot
Canary" ever heard in these parts.
In a diplomatically worded bulletin the university asserts that "this new set-up should have advan-
tages which will make next year one of the most memorable on campus. And, if the students don't like
it, we're never going to open the new Student Union that?
ture room in a shambles, knowing
that he must leave to assume his
new duties, forced a grin. "I shall
return," he said. Taking over his
position, the General ordered uni-
forms to be worn by all ROTC
students on every day but Sun-
day. "You can get a firing squad
for breaking that one," he chuck-
Hail and Farewell
A new era is born.
SHOWME has altered its policy.
No more will "smut" be the pass-
word. Vileness is OUT! The finer
things in the arts will make up
the ex-humor magazine. A new
title-"The Showme Review of
Literature," has been suggested.
The editors are still looking up
the word "literature" and will
make a decision regarding the
name as soon as the definition is
Lewd-minded readers looking
only for laughs must henceforth
scan the pages of the Columbia
Missourian. Viva Zapata!
(Special to the Missouri
Harry S. Truman, the haber-
dasher who made good, is return-
ing to his old stand. However,
the sporty politico is coming to
Columbia, Missouri, to take over
a part interest in one of the local
clothes shops. None of the owners
of these stores is willing to ad-
mit that he is to be in partnership
with the famous Mr. T., but
rumor has it, that the independ-
ent from Independence will work
behind the counter in an effort
to meet as many people as pos-
sible. Then in a few years, he
will take over as President of
Party politics sharply divided
university officials on this latter
count. Staunch Republicans said,
"Not on your life," while die-
hard Democrats said, "Over my
dead body." At a hasty glance, the
general consensus seems to be "I
like Ike," but "HST is not for
However, all are agreed that
Truman is the only man qualified
to teach Mink Trapping 2, an ad-
vanced course in Veterinary Med-
A recent "red scare" has petri-
fied the entire campus. Under a
veil of secrecy 14 professors, two
janitors, and one "dive bomber"
have been dismissed from the
University payroll. In explaining
their unprecedented action the
Board of Curators said, "We're
not sure these men are Reds, but
then again we're not sure they
aren't. Not being sure, we cer-
tainly couldn't allow them to go
on influencing the Youth of
America." One of the janitors has
since become associate editor of
the "Daily Worker," indicating
that the administration knew
what it was talking about.
When reached for comment,
Senator McCarthy rubbed his
hands together gleefully and
squealed, "Goody, more heads
A Working SGA
After a long period of inactiv-
ity SGA has begun to work in
fevered earnest. In a special news
release, the government organiza-
tion has announced that its Dis-
crimination Committee is now
. Your so ummy."
screening all students who smoke
Herbert Tareytons. They support
their fearless stand by pointing to
the cigarette's slogan, "Discrimi-
nating people prefer Herbert
Tareytons." To the other acco-
lades which this fighting group
must be receiving, we add our
humble applause and thanks for
a job which has long needed do-
From the fourth floor of Jesse,
home of white rats and garret-
chained painters, comes this start-
ling announcement: Thomas Hart
Benton is retiring in favor of Sal-
vador Dali and a new art mode
known as ice cubism. Benton's
resignation is viewed with much
disfavor, and Dali's coming with
even more. Dali has listed some
of the things he would like to see
done to beautify the campus, and
among these is the painting of
red stripes around the columns,
and a gigantic eye in place of the
When asked about his ideas for
beautifying our campus, Salvador
grinned through, under, and
around his moustache and said, "I
know oodles of ways to make this
campus safe for democracy."
Ill. by herb knapp
The li'l feller's did'n mean
noth'in. They jus' wann'ed
__"What'll we do, Tim? Just sit
here on these back steps?"
--"Let's play catch."
___"Can't 'til I bury that dead
__"When'd it die?"
__-"I don't know. It looked
drown-ded after I found it in
__ "How'd you know it was
by CHARLES RUSSEL
Co-Editor of "Feature"
___"Eyes bugged. Mouth open.
--"What is being dead like?"
-"Ain't being 'live, I guess."
-"You ever been dead?"
___"Naw. Not unless I did once
when I was a baby. You?"
_."I smelt it once."
---"I heard it."
-- "Church. Yesterday morning.
Crying and taking on."
___"How'd you know it was
.--"They brought it out in a
white, long box."
---"Did you see it?"
___"Naw, box was closed."
---"Was it drownded, too?"
.--"Probably dead from tonsili-
.--"Golly, I ain't dead from it."
'"You might have died in your
sleep one night."
-_.-"Yeah, but nobody said any-
thing 'bout me stinking."
"-"Them dead men Roy Rogers
shoots don't stink."
'.-"They ain't really dead."'
___"How'd you know, smarty?
They fall down and bleed, eyes
bug, and they don't move.
Same as that cat.'"
.--"They ain't really dead. Here
comes Louann. Let's ask her."
-.--"What you going to ask me?"
-.--"About being dead."
_."Oh, it's pretty flowers, pretty
dresses, and the music is like
--"It ain't when Roy Rogers
---"Margaret O'Brien looked so
pretty and sweet with her eyes
closed, her lips nearly smiling,
and all those pretty dresses at
__-"I ain't never seen nothing
dead like that, have you, Bud?"
___"Aw, that's just a silly old
girl's talk. She don't know how
to play with boys."
'"If you are going to play dead
I know how."
"Who said we was going to
--"Well, scaady-cat. Afraid I'll
be bettern's' you?"
---"Okay, Miss Priss. We'll play
and see if you know how to
stink and bug out your eyes-
like our cat done."
_"Where'll we play?"
_---"Ain't this back porch okay?"
---"Yeah, Tim. We can use this
old ice-box for the white, long
-"Yeah, Louann. You come and
crawl in and when we say
ready you play dead."
."I ain't going to wear no
pretty dress while she plays
"I ain't going to sing, neither,
Bud! She won't carry a gun
when it's our turn, I betcha."
.--"Okay, I'm in. Just shut the
door and yell when you're
ready for me to start playing."
.---"Buddy! Have you buried that
--"Well, do it this minute. Then
you can play."
"_Come on, Bud, I'll help you
while Louann gets ready. Like
all little old girls, she'll want
--"She'll run off."
___"Naw, I fastened the door
___"Well, you take this string and
tie it around the cat's head so
we can drag it. I' get a hoe."
.--"There' a hoe by the garden
---"Yeah, and the cat's just in-
side the fence."
--."That's death, all right."
--"Ain't it a smell, though?"'
.__"Where'll we dig?"
___"Oh, down behind the barn."
-"Okay, you drag it to the back
--""You gonna cry?"
---"Not for an old cat."
."I did when Pal died."
-.-"Pal was a good dog."
_"I seen an Indian drag a man
like this once. Except the In-
dian was on a horse."
_-"That ain't fair. That's the
way I'm going to play dead."
.--"Let me drag you?"
-.--"Yeah, with a rope around my
neck. Now tell me how's you
going to play."
"I'm going to let you push me
off the barn while Louann
stands in the loft bawling."
-."That's no good, you'll just
--_"You'll hang onto the rope
with your hands and your
neck won't even be skint."
-.--"Where you going to dig?"
-. "Right here."
'--"Won't need a big hole. Cat
ain't as big as me."
-."That deep enough?"
.-"Yeah, I'll cover it up."'
---"Mother says buzzards might
-"Tlat's enough. No buzzards
around here. Race you back to
--"'Let's see if the wren has any
eggs in her nest."
-.--"There on that rafter under
the edge of the shed."
.-"You been getting her eggs?"
"Now, I'm going to catch the
__"Nope, don't' see a egg."
- "Don't put your hand in there,
idiot. Wren'll smell you and
won't come back."
n "I ain't dead. I don't smell."
.--""To a wren you do. Dead or
---"Let's go get Louann and
show her the nest. I don't
want to play dead today. Let's
play that tomorrow."
. -"Okay. Race you to the
'--"You got a head start."
'---"Didn't do it. I just runned
(Continued on page 16)
"Would you be interested in a Ladies Home Companion?'
A women is an angel at 10 a saint
at 15, a devil at 40. and a witch at
Only the man whose intellect is
clouded by his sexual impulses
could give the name of fair sex to
that undersized, narrow shouldered
broad-hipped, short legged race.
Woman is a dish for the Gods.
Frailty thy name is woman.
When a woman means mischief,
if she but look upon her apron
strings, the devil will help her
It is better to dwell in a corner of
a housetop than with a brawling
woman in a widehouse.
Man is trained for war. Woman
Every woman who has money is
a matrimonial venture.
I never thought I'd see the day
when girls would be sunburned in
the places they do now.
However ugly she may be,
every woman is pleased with
her own looks.
for the recreation of man.
Wicked women bother one . . .
Good women bore one. That is the
only difference btween them.
To Dern Good
The sun baked down on Ignatz
Kalswalski's bare head as he
walked down the ha f-empty
street. Everything was going just
a little too good to suit him.
He was a short, heav-set man
with her? Anyway, its only been
flaming red hair and a rudey
complexion made him look as if
he had been drinking.
Kicking at a robin which hop-
ped a little too close to the side-
walk, he thought, "Hell, I haven't
been called up to see the Prof in
almost a week. I have been pass-
ing most of my tests. Something
is going to happen." Turning
right at the end of the block, he
saw the ramshackle two-storied
house where he lived. A lone tree
and a few clumps of untrimmed
grass stood in the front yard. As
he turned in on the walk, the dog
jumped from his resting place on
the front porch and ran to the
back of the house so that he
wouldn't be kicked again. The
landlady met him at the door and
asked him for the rent. He cursed
loudly and brushed past her.
"What the devil was the matter
with her? Anyway, its only beei-
three months since I paid the
rent. She'd get the money. Haa-
n't she always?" He climbed the
stairs to his small, dimly-lit room
on the second floor, and threw
himself upon the bed. After lying
there for several minutes, he
raised up and looked around the
room. Noticing a letter on the
desk, he got up and went over to
see what it was about. It was
"Any luck today dear?"
from the Dean's Office, asking
him toreport and explain his ab-
sence on a negative hour day.
Throwing down the letter, he
turned and started from the room.
He slipped on a scatter rug ana
fell with a lound thud on the
floor. He cursed under his breath,
started to get up, but instead re-
mained in his present position and
smiled. Maybe things weren't go-
ing so bad after all.
Wife: "How helpless you men
are! What would you do if there
were no women to sew on your
buttons for you?"
Husband: "Has it occurred to
you dear, that if there we no wo-
men that we men would need no
"F-E-E-T," the teacher exclaim.
ed. "What does that spell John-
"Well what is it that a cow has
four of that I have only two of?"
So Johnnie told her.
"Why didn't you warn me about
the big dog in this place?"
DON L. SMALL G-E STORE
University Book Store
ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE
(Continued from page 11)
----"You ready, Louann?'"
.---"Ready or not, open that door.
We ain't going to play dead
._-"Yeah, I want to show you the
wren's nest in the shed."
.---"Yeah, Tim. Her eyes bug."
_- -"Her mouth's open."
__- "She don't stink."
__-"Yeah, but I didn't think a
girl'd play that real."
__ "I don't want to play that
___"What'll we do."
_.-"Let's play catch."
* * *
"I had a rotten date last night."
"Yeah, what did you do?"'
"Why, I spit it out."
You remind me of Nero.
Here I am burning, and you're
just fiddling around.-Banter
The difference between amnesia
and magnesia is that the fellow
with amnesia can't remember
where he is going.
Burglar: "Please let me go,
lady, I ain't never done nothing
Old Maid: "Well, it's never too
late to learn."
A clammy darkness hung on Cauliflower Center, almost tangible, for it
clung to the millions of fog-drops which wandered up and down the town's
perpetually muddy roads. The Center seldom saw the sun, for in addition to
the eternal shroud of fog, a color-
less shadow from the Ozark
mountains in whose valley it
cowered fell like a mystic drapery
over its ghostly outline.
The town was filled with the
surreal fog-forms of hollow build-
ings, which from across the street
looked like monstrous faces gasp-
ing at what they saw and had
seen. Occasionally a fearless soul
could be seen flitting, phantom-
like, through the thoroughfares.
Just as often as not, it was in
reality a. transient passing
through, from the nether world
into the hereafter, or wherever
vacationing horrors go.
Considerable confusion, incon-
venience, and a few deaths had re
sulted from this difficulty of dis-
cerning the citizens of this world
from those of the other. More
than one man had migrated into
eternity on discovering that he
wasn't discussingethe price of corn
with John Brown, but Luke
Spook. Finally, the genius of in-
ventive mankind rose, as always,
to the highest occasions, and this
menace was staved off. The in-
habitants merely skipped their
yearly bath, and before long a
delicate sniff enabled one to dif-
ferentiate between earthly and
Of particular terror in this
haunted town was the cabin of
long-dead I v a n Frankensmith,
who was rumored to have dabbled
in Death during his life, and, now
that he was dead, to be dabbling
in Life. It was not an uncommon
occurence to find a body or two
lying outside of his cabin way up
on the mountain side--always
with expressions of agonied ter-
ror on contorted faces.
It soon became the common
conception that the spirits of his
whole family were using this as
a worldly base for their stygian
soirees. The townspeople felt cer-
tain that these spirits had re-
susciated the Frankensmith mons-
ter and were sending him abroad
Who is dead, who is alive?
Excuse me sir, I thought you were a spook.
Read mere mortal, of the SPIRITS!
to roam the world in search of
satisfactions f or their not-so-
ghostly passions. Thus they, rath-
er than fear, received the blame
for the rash of illegitimate mur-
ders, gambling parties, beer-sales,
and children which followed upon
the arrival of this opinion.
Which is why Heavy Harrison
and Jake McLake were sitting
steeped as much in fear as fog,
and probaby more in ennui and
alcohol than either, one dull June
noon. They were gradually sink-
ing into the spongy,once-wooden
sidewalk. They had been gradu-
ally sinking for the last thirty
Heavy studied the big, brown
pool of tobacco juice lying in the
niiddle of the stagnant sidewalk.
"Battle Axe?" he asked.
"Naw. Brown's Mule," was the
"Well, that'll do, Jake. Gimme
"That was tough as hell about
old Zeb Evans, wasn't it? He's
sure been having it rugged since
the tragedy," Jake deftly turned
"Tragedy? What happen', his
old lady die?"
"Naw. Worse'n that . . ."
"Has his mple passed on?"
"Nope. Worse yet. His will
The original stunning shock at
the calamitous nature of this ca-
tastrophe developed into three
days of respectful silence for the
tobacco chawer and his com-
panion, the would-be tobacco
Which is one reason they were
Ill. by Bill Braznell
still sitting in the same place and
position three days later. Luke
was the other reason, for the un-
dertaker had tried to bury them
twice but his lack of sucess at
lifting Heavy discouraged him.
It was getting close to darkc
when an ectoplasmic whirl of gray
whiskers, blue-b 1 ac k overalls,
white face, and purple cuss words
came gyrating through the fog
from the edge of town.
The town was terrified.
"It's a tornado!" The farmers
ran for their cellars.
"It's the Devil!" The preachers
ran for their churches.
"It's Carrie Nation reincarnate!"
The saloon-keepers ran for their
"It's Ike Yensig and a fifth of
Home-Brew, half in and half out
of him." Everyone ran out to see
what the hell it was all about.
The town was mortified.
Ike rolled his eyes, ten men in
the crowd rolled cigarettes, and
a cynic in the Legion Hall rolled
a four the hard way.
"What's up beside your alcohol
count, Ike?" someone finally ask-
"I-I-I-seen 'e m, t h e y' re
there, I seen 'em! Uh-uh-up
underneath the old cabin. The
Yensig spirits are real! I seen 'em
with my own eyes, in a hidden un-
derground tomb, like, underneath
The town was stupefied.
It was as much a shock as at
the New Year's party last year
when everybody was feeling
merry, then Mary got mad and
"Let's go get them!" desperate-
ly suggested the man who was
losing in the Legion Hall crap
The town was petrified.
"Before they get us!" slyly add-
ed the undertaker, and then slip-
ped off unnoticed to figure out
his probable profits.
The town was electrified.
Soon the whole of Main Street
was eerily lit up by the torches
which he excited, frightened mob
had gathered for their march to
and storming of the Frankensmith
cabin. Soon after, the mob was
thoroughy lit up by the lighter
fluid, anti-freeze, whiskey, and
Hadacol they had brought along
On reaching the vicinity of the
cabin they were forced to crawl
under low, gnarled trees hanging
with clammy Spanish moss,
(Continued- on page 20)
Horror of the Year
"The University has the legal authority to act
to the student in the same relation as parent to
child." From a quotation of the University
charter by Dean of Students Jack Mathews.
The STEIN CLUB
(Continued from page 18)
through a quagmire of swampy
quicksand alive with water moc-
casions, and across a ditch full ol
alligators. Accomplishing t h i s
was not as difficult as it might
seem, however, for the citizens
had spent more time in prone
positions than any other and thus
found it no trouble at all to
The mob poured into the cabin,
followed Ike to a crude stone fire-
place, and gasped with apprehen-
sions and amazement as he grunt-
ingly raised the stone bottom, re-
vealing a crude staircase leading
down into a dark hole. Courage
wavered, but Ike led on.
They stumbled hestitantly down
the stairs in the dim fireplace and
followed through a low earthen
tunnel. The torches played gro-
tesque, menacing shadows in a
Dance of Death across the walls.
The group turned a corner and
went on thiough the dank, musty
air in pitch black darkness, save
for the weird flickering of the
torches, until Ike stopped. All
who were able crowded around
as he edged along the wall of a
very short hall angling off the
main corridor and stopped at the
entrance to a small, low-ceilinged
chamber. The moldy, pungent
odor of damp earth settled heavi-
ly, suffocatingly, on every nostril
in the expanse of darkness and
shadow. It was the odor of fresh-
ly spaded dirt, like that found
around new graves.
The uniform breathing of every
man in the group wheezed in a
dying echo. The drip, drip of
water seeping through someplace
rumbled and reverbrated do w n
(Continued on page 27)
I Know A.
Ten thousand acres of sunlit
sand; not a tree, or strand of
grass, or other living thing with-
in sight from one horizon to the
other. The little man with the
bright red-checked shirt paused
for a moment, setting down his
carbine carefully so that no sand
would edge its way into the rifled
interior of the barrel. This was a
little senseless; he had on shells,
and the gun would have been too
light to use as a club. He could
just as well have left it behind.
From the belt around his middle
he untwisted the bit of wire that
held a wide mouth can to his
waist, sighing as he did so. He
turned the can upside down for a
moment, and was surprised to
note an ounce of water roll out on
to the sand with a slight slurp.
There really shouldn't have been
any water there, he thought, and
'then he remembered: the ice cube
that had been so carefully pre-
served for so long had at last
melted. The can fell from his grasp
and rolled a foot or two. Mea-
suring his distance with exactness
he pulled back his foot and kick-
ed as hard as he could. He was
rewarded with immediate action,
for the can curved upward in a
gentle arc and landed some
twenty yards away, and rolled for
another ten feet before coming to
a holt in a little depression
carved by the wind.
Jesse Morris, for that was his
name, sat down and untied a
shoelace. Then he unbuttoned the
red shirt, brushed some imagin-
ary sand off the front of his vest
and untied the other shoe. The
heavy wool socks were soaked
with sweat, but his feet still felt
cool. After both feet and nine
toes were brushed free of sand
he sat perfectly quiet and stared
at the place where the missing toe
should have been. This brought
on amusing thoughts, for he
laughed slightly and gazed around
to see if anyone could by chance
be near enough to enjoy his joke
with him. No one was. Jesse
leaned on his hands, stretched
back behind him, and slowly be-
gan to cry, one large tear slowly
face, with a straight nose, high
brown, lined face. A handsome
following another down his
cheekbones, and pale blue eyes
that would have sparkled with in-
ternal humor had they not been
so glazed with too much sun for
too long a time. Beyond the red
shirt in a general south direction
was a pair of expensive tuxedo
trousers that would have served
with credit on a ball room floor,
had there not been a slight rip
in one knee. And the wool socks
were argyle, brown and yellow
(Continued on.page 22)
by William McNaughton
(Continued from page 21)
diamonds with red tops. Slowly
Jesse pulled the socks and shoes
back on and stood ups Picking up
the carbine, he bent his head a
little and began plodding on in the
direction from which he had just
come. He knew where he had
been, for the small dents left by
his shoes in the sand were still
He had covered perhaps half a
mile of the monotonously regular
sand when he paused again, and
looked about. Reaching into his
back pocket he pulled out a pair
of pinking shears, and then care-
fully looking about again, as if
fearful some one would see him,
he cut the red top off one of his
argyle socks, and tied it to the
trigger guard on his gun. Then
he grasped the stock with both
hands and firmly rammed the
barrel into the sand until the
gun stood erect and unwavering
in the calm hot air. Stretching
himself at full length on the sand,
Jesse began doing push-ups.
Over the same regular stretch
of sand, ten miles to the east of
Jesse's carbine, a fairly new Cad-
illac was wending its way with
some effort, for in spite of special
tires and skies on the front
wheels the sand was a trifle soft
for a large car. The driver was
satisfied with his progress, how-
ever, for he paid little attention
to the speed and was only mildly
concerned with steering; had be
been going much faster, he still
would have paid little attention to
the steering. After all, what could
Mounted on a bearing that al-
lowed them to be turned to any
angle was a pair of field glasses
(Contiued on page 24)
"He suits me fine, but. dad finds him a bit too effeminate."
"Gor George You Never told me you were in a fraternity."
"So you won't pick up your feet."
LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES
1. Pair up actual U.S. town
names. Examples: From RYE, N.
Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From
SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE
CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pair-
ings as you like.
2. The odder the names-and
the more amusing the relation-
ship between the two-the better
your chances will be.
3. First prize winner will be
sent $50. Second prize $25, third
prize $10 and three $5 prizes-
Contest closes June 30, 1952. All
entries should a'rrive at Life Sav-
ers, Port Chester, not later than
June 30, 1952 to qualify. All en-
tries become the property of Life
Savers, and prize-winning com-
binations may be used in future
advertisements, together with the
names of the wiriners. In case of
ties duplicate prizes will be
awarded. Simply mail your entry
to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES-
(Continued from page 22)
which the driver handled witha
naturalness born of experience.
From time to time he scanned the
vast spread of sand, noting care-
fully any detail which should not
be there under normal circum-
stances. On one of his regular
checks he noted the carbine pro-
truding from the sand and head-
ed his Cadillac toward it.
Jesse first noticed the shiny
bumper when it appeared two
feet from his nose, and when he
was on his one-hundred sixty
first push-up. Stopping the exer-
cise, he glanced up at the legs
which approached him from the
driver's side of the bumper, and
then, without bothering to see
what face might be above, he con-
tinued the one-hundred sixty sec-
"I say, old boy, what goes here?
You in trouble." Perhaps a natu-
ral question, considering the
viewpoint of the driver.
Jesse stopped p ush in g-u p.
"Parvenu," he said, somewhat ac-
"All around me I find them,"
said Jesse. "The place is lousy
with them, all over the place. The
true aristocracy has long been
dead, and there is nothing any of
us can do. A natural enough con-
dition, considering the decay of
all that was civilized within the
last decade, but still I regret it
Jesse sat up.
The driver was a bit puzzled.
"Well, I don't know as I go along
with your opinion," he ventured,
"but I would be glad to give you
any assistance necessary. In my
car I have water, and also-
special today-some fresh cod-
"A, thank you no. I appreciate
the offer but it really isn't neces-
sary, you know. I have my gun
you see, and my freedom, and
what more could I need."
"Granted," Jesse added after
some thought, "That there are in-
stances that I myself have been
seen when something is lacking
under circumstances such as this,
but in my particular case nothing
else is needed. Where'd you get
"I snitched it," said the driver
proudly. "Like it?"
Jesse looked the car over care-
fully for a time, then stated, "It
is fairly well adapted to this ter-
rain, but do you not find it less
practical than a lighter model?"
The driver considered. "True,
so true, but I don't think I should
complain, considering the price,
which was nil."
Jesse nodded. He .must have
seen the logic to this remark.
(Continued on page 26)
Teacher (warning her pupils
against catching colds): "I had a
little brother seven years old, and
one day he took his new sled into
the snow. He caught pneumonia
and died three days later."
Silence for ten seconds.
Small voice from rear of room:
"Where's the sled?"
A certain person very highly
placed had a seat in the gallery
at Washington the day General
MacArthur made his famous ad-
When that person returned
home, another asked: "What hap-
pened? What impression did Gen-
eral MacArthur make?"
The answer was a classic. It
was: "There wasn't a dry eye on
the Republican side or a dry seat
on the Democratic side!"
Henry (over the phone)--Is
Maid-She's taking a bath.
Henry-Sorry, I have the
Taken from a paper in English
comp: "A morality play is one in
which the characters are goblins,
ghosts, virgins, and other super-
He: I feel as if we were engag-
She: Yes, and you're got to
Two men were working on the
White House lawn, each supplied
with a small push cart upon
which was a garbage can. They
walked about picking up papers
with a long spear. One spied a
piece of toilet paper and began
to spear it, when suddenly a gust
of wind came up and blew the
paper into the White House
through an open window.
The man became frantic and
rushed into the building. He re-
turned shortly and said: "I was
too late. He had already signed
Modern man will stand for al-
most anything but a woman in a
"I really don't care for you at all Henry. But I'd rather kiss you than
(Continued from page 3)
me by an M.U. student, Warren
Murry . . .first saw your mag
while on leave . . and thought
-it was the best. I am an ex-
M.S.M'er and can appreciate your
subtle slams at Zuzies, etc.
. . the mag is good to anyone as
is evidenced by my well worn
copy that has already mnade the
rounds of half the battalion .
all anxiously waiting for the next
C. C. Cory DMSN 339 6022
109 Seabees, Guam.
It's good to know that somewhere
in the world there is someone
who doesn't want to reform us,
thanks . . . Ed.
Four Roses and a case of Old
Grand Dad for your achievement
in the "TO THE WOODS IS-
SUE,' naturally referring to the
"Angello Case." Unquestionably
the "Angello Case" belongs to the
Mickey Spillane s c h o o-an
anemia of insidious sex, morals in
the masses manner, and chronic
tortured sentiment to impress the
plebians, hayseeds, as it were.
Watch out for the big bad "Sat-
urday Evening Post"; they'll
either have Litner Mayfield wit-
When do you get saterical on
Walt and Dave
Vicinity Savoy Coctail Lounge,
(Nine Months in Columbia)
A southern farmer was intro-
ducing his family of boys to the
"Seventeen boys," he said. "All
are democrats but John, the little
rascal. He got to readin'."
(Continued from page 24)
"If there is nothing I can do
to help," said the driver, when
the nod had lengthened into a
pause lasting several minutes,
"I think t best that I be on my
way. I have a spare radio set here
which will enable you to contact
me should you at any time feel
that you need my aid.I can re-
ply to you over the set which I
have thoughtfully mounted in the
car for just such an occasion as
"Really, I couldn't accept such
a gift," said Jesse. "If I do need
you I will construct a set and call.
Thank you anyway."
"7800 kilocycles," said the
He waved slightly with his
right hand and climbed back in
the car. The motor raced, the car
eased away and presently remain-
ed but a small spot. Jesse watch-
ed until it disappeared from
"People are such fools," he
muttered aloud for the carbine
Then he floped back on his
stomach, erased the tire marks
within his arm's reach, ao.d start-
ed the push-ups again.
Again aloud he said, "I believe
that I was somewhere near the
two-hundred mark when I stop-
ped. In the long run I don't sup-
pose it matters a great deal what
the number was, but I shall as-
sume that it was two hundred and
one; such a nice even number to
start off with."
As Jesse started his push-ups
again the Cadillac was weaving
erratically from side to side, and
sometimes running in small cir-
cles, for short periods. All be-
cause the driver was not steering;
he'was bent over the wheel, con-
vulsed with laughter. Who ever
heard of a man doing push-ups in
the middle of a desert with sand
all over everything. This was the
thought that kept the driver from
steering, and the reason the Cad-
illac was occasionally running in
* * *
Frank: "They say Tom's wife
had triplets after reading 'The
Will: "Good heavens, mine was
reading the 'Birth of a Nation'
when I left."
(Continued from page 20)
the endless catacombs until it
sounded like a warning from be-
yond the Tomb. The burning
tapers flickered even more un-
steadily, as if they too feared the
unknown. Their shuddering light
reflected a madness in every
All crystallized into a saturat-
ing wave of awe as they saw what
had resulted in the many horrible
deaths; they saw what had for
years been only a vague, spectral
tale, and then rushed forward to
get at them, electrified into ac-
tion by the shouts, "Whoops,
there they are! There are the
Frankensmith spirits" which went
up as a ray of light fell on one
of a group of large kegs on the
crudely printed letters
"Spirits of Corn-Likker
"My Boy," said the successful
man lecturing his son on the im-
portance of thrift, "when I was
your age I carried water, for a
gang of bricklayers."
'"Im proud of you, father,"
answered the boy, "If it hadn't
been for your pluck and perse-
verence, I might hEz e had to do
something of that scAt myself."
Life is just an everlasting,
struggle to keep money coming
in and teeth and hair and vital
organs from coming out.
.s e ;;
"OK big boy let her rip."
Zere once was ze meestaire
Got fresh on ze beach at Ze
Zaid Ze Madammaizelle
Eh Monsieur, what ze hell
Stay away from vere it iss not
sun tan. -Panther
The new method of catching
elephants requires a piece of
paper, a milk bottle, a pair of
tweezers and binoculars. Go to
the elephant country, find a pool
of water and wxite on the paper:
"For Elafants." When the ele-
phants come up to drink, they
will see that their name is spell-
ed: wrong and :start laughing,
When the other elephants hear
them laughing, they will come up
to see what they are laughing
about. At that point you look
at the elephants through the
wrong end of the binoculars. The
elephants look so small that you
pick them up with the tweezers
and put them in the milk bottle!
"Tell me a peoble story daddy."
Gonna be busy tonight?
I dunno. It's my first date.
Today the zipper is the undoing
of the modern girl.-Punchbowl.
The boy kissed his date good-
iight and she began to shiver
violently. She was wearing a low-
backed dress and he'd forgotten
he was still holding an ice cream
"How do I know it's a blood-
houd?" she asked doubtfully.
"Ambrose," the proprietor or-
dered, "bleed for the lady."
"You've read that sentence
wrong, Miss Adams, it's all men
are created equal, not all men are
made the same way."
"That dress looks very well on
"Why of course it does. I was
just made for this dress."
"You should have held out for
a fur coat!"
Gouls of the Month
Central Dairy Sightseers Club
. . . Member of Women's Esti-
mate Board . . . University
Whistlers . . . Committees on
Solicitation and Health . .Nat-
ional Snow Honorary . . . Get
'em off the Streets Club . .
Workshop . . . Student Intro-
duction and Induction Comm-
ittee. Any Class . All Ages
. . . Any Street Corner Any-
where in the World.
Witch of the Month
Keeper of the Key . . . Chair-
man of Morals Board. .
Who's Who in the Back Hall
Association. . Mistress of Cere-
monies of Closing Hours Com-
mittees . . Student Frustation
Department . . . Delegate to
the Lets Keep on the Lights
Conference . . . President of
W. S. T. T. H. . . . . .
(We squeal to the housemother)
. . . Timekeepers and Watch-
makers Association . . . Rep-
resentative of All Campus
Doorgirls. . . . Get 'em In Off
The Streets Club . . . Senior in
28 Education . . Anywhere in U.S.
V. I. A.
(Very Important Article)
by JOYCE C. GRELLER
I took my last look at the ap-
proaching car. This was absurd,
me at the bottom of the elevator
shaft at the Ben Holt Hotel. An-
other false news tip. And that
jerky elevator operator about to
bring his car right down on my
head. I said quickly prayers-God
Bless Inspector Rashviews, Hou-
deani of Students, and star of
the Vice Man Cometh, Mr.
Crump, your garbage picker and
mine, and long live my editor, the
laziest man in town. The elevator
boy, later identified as a copy-
reader 1 grader, Neon "The Nico-
tine Hour-I'll make it hot for
you" Arson, chickened out. He
stopped the car at 2, ran up to
3, and cut the cable with his "I"
tooth. Wow! Was it ever heavy!
In fact, too heavy. I received my
last shaft in the shaft.
A vampire in a nurse's uniform
broughe me the message that I
was to report to Read Hall in a
week to donate my blood. They
knew I was borrowing from the
blood bank and the little I had
was oozing with leukemia and
RH. After type, I put Vulcan
Bold, Italic. I received liver pills
daily, fattening me for the "Big
Drain." The idiots, they also knew
I had no liver. Came the day-
They quickly removed 10 quarts
of my red blood, leaving the bad
blood for Disciplinary Board. This
was one way to get rid of my
varicose's. But I saw the sly old
biddies pumping it all into some
shriveled old faculty member on
the other side of a screen, that is,
all that those greedy nurses didn't
imbibe. They didn't tell me about
my 100 per cent contribution to
the skin graft bank. There was
nothing left after that-so I sign-
ed the release and they carted
my remaining skelton off, as my
last donation, to the Anthro.
Dept. I can see them now trying
to pass off my bones to those
stupid students as some sort of a
rare gorilla, but I'll never know
if I passed.
Wasn't brother Charles amus-
ing as he decapitated the head on
his little wax dolly of me? Why
it laughed heartily as it slipped
off my neck, rolled into my lap
and on to the floor.
Then there was the morning
I went into the the Tropic for
my Cup of Panther Sweat, the
Tropic's answer to Gum Turpen-
tine with caffein added. The new
waiter somehow let the rubber
edge on the big percolator slip
into the coffee. Everyone downed
their liquified Goodrich with the
usual complaints. Not even a good
retread could save this rubba
numba now. I was thus erased in-
We mustn't forget the weak
dance floor at Abe's. In the mid-
dle of a foxy trot I felt my pocket
seismograph jump wildly around.
On removal, I noticed great trem-
ors had been recorded. Too late
again. A board swung up and
knocked me to the floor. I was
prone to argue, as the crowd
danced over me and stamped me
permanantly into the rest of the
I had gone to the clinic merely
to borrow a piece of litmus paper
to test the hangnails I had just
taken from Max, my pet goldfish
I suspected the poor thing of dia-
betes, so many taffy apples and
zestos, lately. Two minutes later
I found myself in the contagious
ward,sandwiched in the same bed
between a leper and a case of
doubled pneumonia. How nice of
the student doctor a Hickman
student, no less) to bring me my
last meal, but it was too late. I
had just failed the breath test.
So, anyway, they served Max to
the malaria patient under my bed.
Jesse has been condemned
since the year one. Who cares? I
attended a Musicale there recent-
ly with a fellow student. There
aren't any teachers left to date, it
seems the graders have monopo-
lized that quarry. The combined
400 piece military and concert
bands were giving a recital. One
student was so overcome with
emotion after they played the
"How Dry I Am" that he leaped
out of his box. Too much for ye
olde Jazzy Hall. The floor just
happened to cave in under my
seat, and I was hurled into the
hot furnace below, shouting Vive
Le Yellow Press. Fortunately, I
missed an even crueler death
from the falling chandelier that
just happened to hit my empty
seat a second later. It fell through
and burned with me. Yes, Jesse
is still condemned, but I'm not.
The hottest place in town-the
Libe, especially the third floor
with its eternal radiator of much
heat. Better than knock-out drops
in that 167 degree room, if you
wish to retire. Fifteen minutes
and two swoons later, I decidea
the immense heat too much and
sashayed down to two. But just
my luck I fell asleep, and the sun
beaming thru the window set my
cheap cardboard sun-shade on
fire and before I knew it, I was
burnt to a crisp down to my
waist. Hot cinders!
One to go. The plunge off
Lover's Leap, pin and all, or the
time they tricked me into going
down to the press room of the
Missourian with some copy and
slung me in the big Rotary to
help ease the pulp shortage. Next
thing I knew, I was stuffed in
the stand outside of J School and
going for a nickel. These little
goodies aren't worth mentioning.
Went to visit the local "We
don't like Juvenile Deliquents,
and that means everyone" Board
the other day. The little Kefauver
Comm. of the Midwest asked me
to help select a Home-Coming
Queen for the 1952 June Purge.
(Leave now, and avoid the Janu-
uary Graduation Purge). They
sang a few bars of "We told you
we love you, now get out." I
don't think they agreed with my
selection. That's all folks-It's
Then there is the story about
the dead daschhund. He met his
end going around a tree.
* * *
Old maid to a rober: "Good
gracious-frisk me again."
* * *
He: "Do you know what knee
action is in a car?"
Coed: "Yes, and don't you try
She: "I'm a good girl."
He: "Who asked you."
She: "No One.
He: "Then no wonder you're a
A bather whose clothing was
By winds that left her quite nude
And a man came along . . .
And unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd!
One carton of CHESTERFIELDS
will be awarded each month to
the person submitting the best
joke to be run in this column.
Address all entries to SHOWME,
302 Read Hall. This months win-
ner is Marjean Phillips, 705 Ken-
to my smile
if she too
Marjean, you rake you . . .
A priest saw one of his parishon-
ers hanging drunkenly over a
"For shame, young man, what's
gotten into you."
"Three fathers, feather."
MODERN LITHO-PRINT COMPANY
I never thought I'd see the day Swami would welcome a librarian
into his debased fold. Early last fall we heard about some wonderful
cartoons on display in the library. So, being in a scholarly mood one
afternoon, we wandered through the "book dispenser" (On our way to
the Shack). After four years we found something good in the library.
Since then Madge, "The Crew-cut," Fisher has become a mainstay
on the cartoon staff. So often she " sees somthing funny in somthing
"clean." Somthing the rest of the staff has naturally overlooked. A few
weeks ago, however, she joined the inner-sactum. Madge had somthing
banned! Which only re-proves, for the millionth time, that you can't
ever tell what a dizzy blond is thinking. 'Specially one with hair down
to her ankles.
Not a contributor in the conventional conception of the term, the
only thing Mr. Robbins has contributed to SHOWME is it's continued
existence! He's the one alright. Our, much maligned, censor. If we put
out a clean magaine you blame him, if we put out a lusty issue the
university blames him. Really, he hasn't got a prayer. Yet the never-
ending punishment of actually having to read SHOWME is the most
minor of Mr. Robbins' uncountable enterprises. As director of the
universities O.P.I. Mr. Robbins handles everything from scholarly, un-
intelligible epics on obscure research, to propogadana pamphlets for
high school Seniors. If it's' got the universities name on it you can be
pretty sure Mr. Robbins had a couple of fingers in it's creation.
Bob "Rube Erwin is a man you'll find hard to beat. (If his metab-
lism is working well, that is.) When Rube's metablism is really gener-
ating all the innkeepers in East Saint Louis rub their grubby hands
with glee and start planning trips to Palm Beach. Besides financing
tavern-lackies holidays Rube occasionally finds time to scrawl some
literature for campus consumption. He has the distinction of being the
most censored contributor of the past year. But one thing, he keeps
right on trying. "Degeneration before intimidation!" Rube should
have no trouble becoming a literary success. Anything he writes is
sure to be banned in Boston . . at the very least. When he isn't in
the Shack, you can usaully locate him at the Sigma Chi house, scrib-
bling endorsements for ale ads.
She's lovely, she's gorgous . . . she knows how to type. We don't
know what kind of blackmail T. Walsh used to induce this creature to
piddle around the office, but were in favor of it. This product of
KKG Distributing Corp, is easier on the eyes than Pet Milk on a babies
pallet. She's involved to boys. Go on back to yer pinball machine.
DOBBS CAVANAGH KNOX
BERG BYRON C & K DUNLAP