Missouri Showme May, 1952 Missouri Showme May, 1952 2008 1952/05 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195205

Missouri Showme May, 1952; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1952

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Missouri Showme The Surrealist Issue 25 cents Garland's Puckett's CAMPUS JEWELERS Julie's Letters Dear Editor, In your recent TO THE WOODS ISSUE, Miss Greller mentioned that Mickey Rooney played an alligator in "Distant Drums." Would you say this was a 'bit' part? Columbia, Mo. A fan. P.S. Lets have no cutting re- marks on this one. That's swordenly 0. K. with me . Ed. Gentlemen: Not since the "GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE ISSUE" have I received my copy of SHOWME. This worries me. For I know my John subscription has not expirea. Therefore I have found myself wondering if SHOWE has? If so, and if some disagreement with the faculty is the cause, please feel free to use my name as a character reference. If not, please feel free to send me the issues I have missed. Yours very truly, James Hammond, Lincoln Nebraska. Will do, and we appreciate your gesture. . . Ed. For the benefit of those couri- ous people who looked Litner R. Mayfied up in the student direc- tory and found he didn't exist I do hereby expose . . . This name is a fusion of the monikers of four renown gentlemen . . . 1. "Litner" goes with "Jerry" Tall, gay, witty, save and devi- lishly hadsome 2. "R" stands for "Reese, Ter- ril" AVirle, untamed, emotional and devilishly handsome 3. "May" signifies "M ay er, Pete" ACynical, bla'se, a conver- sational tit for tatter and also devlishly handsome.Q 4. "field" represents "Fairfield, The fabulous, FLASH" Flam- boyant, friendly, fantastic and . . yes, devilishly handsome.Q Iszat O.K. you guys? . . Ed. Dear Mr. Editor; Please sir, don't let me down. I've been waiting all year for a copy of SHOWME that would prove to my Daddy that modern collegians aren't all introspective monsters. Lets cut out these gig- glish issues and get some real bawedy horse laughter. I am tired of smirking at subtlies. Get rough! Horray for lust. A dissappoint fan. Give us your address next time pal and we'll invite you to the next Board of Publications meet- ing . Ed. Sirs: . . to acknowledge receipt of my first copy of SHOWME. . the subscription was made for (Continued on page 26) Marsha Shears Barth's TIGER LAUNDRY & DRY CLEANING CO. Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents * Play Like, C. Russel --------------- 10 * Centerspread, P. Kilpatrick -------- 12 * The Spirits, W. McNaughton ------ 17 * Horror of the Month ----------- - 19 * A Great Truth _--------------- 21 * Witch and Goul of the Month ----- 28 * V. I. A., J. C. Greller ----------- - 29 Cover by J. Brown Cover by J. Brown Staff Editor: Herb Knapp; Business Manager, Dude Haley; Adver- tising Manager: Peggy Marak; Publicity Directors Hank Mar- der; Associate Editor: Pat Kilpatrick; Feature Editor: Joe Gold; Photo Editor: Jack Brown; Art Editor: Bill Braznell; Secretaries: Bev Burris, Katherine Ryan, MaryAnn Fleming, Joey Bellows; Artists: Bill Andronics, Madge Fisher, Jack Frost, Bill Gale; Photos: Marie Rundberg, Jim Karohl, Henn Liiv; Features: Jim Anderson, Keith Lampe, Rube Erwin, Joyce Greller, Bill Ashlock; Joke Editors: Maralee Cotton, Lois Via; Circulation Manager: Tom Walsh; Circulation Staff Bill Brooks, Jack Bowman, Dpn Olsen, John Judge, Bob Hyde; Publicity: Pat Osgood, Fat Kotolov, Jan Hembry, Bob Eubanks. editor's ego Well, I hear SHOWME'S be- ing run by a click again. It sure is! We've got all the marbles and we're not gona let anyone else play unless th've got a recom- mendation from Fluer Cowles or at least, one of the "Hearst Boys." "Yaaa" In order to clear up any possi- ble misconstrusions, malconcep- tions or bashfulprehensions I do thusly expond . . . ARTICALE 1, Section B.: During the past year SHOWME has published more creations by previously unex- ploited contributors than at any time in it's history. ARTICLE NUMBER 6, Section Z.: New contributors will continue to be looked upon as heaven sent and welcomed with open arms. AR- TICAL NUMBER 5, Section D. HOW TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE STAFF OF THE MIS- SOURI SHOWME; 1. Come to the magazine. Do not expect to have someone coax and coach until you have con- tributed at least one acceptable article. 2. Once something is accepted ask of special assignments. 3. Always leave your address and telephone number. 4. Don't wait for someone to call you. The heads of the various department are published each month on the contents page. Call them. Make yourself obnoxious, they don't mind. 5. If your first contribution is rejected don't quit. Ask about the theme of the next issue and work something up. 6. We've aded a lot of new members to the staff this year but a good portion of them are SHOWME is published nine times. September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not-be retmned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City. Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday. 304 Read Hall. graduating and there will be some awful empty brackets to fill. In the rejection file in the SHOWME office are numerous stories and a few cartoons that are good enough for publication anytime. However, the cartoons are the wrong size, and 'aren't inked, and the stories were not applicable to the current theme of the magazine. Because your stuff wasn't used' doesn't mean you are barred from the magazine. It's just that when something has to be done the per- son. who is most capable and most AVAILABLE gets the job. I might add that I realize that my abilities as a mature, discrimi- nating critic are, for the most part, delegated powers and are not aquired or inherited facilities. I would undoubtedly resent me if I critized Herb's work if I wasn't me . . Lets get on another sub- ject . . But first, the last issue will be the "I REMEMBER COL- LEGE ISSUE" . . . you know, "April in Columbia," "The Last Time I Saw Stephens," "The 'Hink' is Rolling, Rolling, Rolling and Will Take McBane Forr It's Bride." John P. (Bawstun) Marquand, ex-member of the Harvard Lam- poon's editorial board and recent subject of a New Yorker profile, seems to have been an under- graduate advocate of the same kind of bludgeon wittisums Mizzo's cornbelt, negativactionary allmighties find so unpalatable. To be sure; in retrospect, the Lampoon issues of his college years seem to be written in "somthing of a code." Nomater, in college they were . . . apropos: Another portion of Mr. Mar- quand's profile described a por- tion of the initation of a Lampoon staffer. When a contributor ac- cumulated the required number of acceptions he was instructed to shout through the window of the Lampoon office, "Fire! Fire! Fire! Rape! Rape! Rape! Don't shoot! I'll marry the girl! My Name Is Suchansuch."' The possibilities ot adopting this quaint custom as part of SHOWME'S membership requirements is itichly intriguing. Especially since the proximity, ot the SHOWME office, on the third floor of Read Hall, to the glitter- ing array of Dean's' offices on the second almost assures immediate choas. H.W.K. BRADY'S Miller's :Goul of my dreams!' Shrieks and howls defile the air, And professors, walk in pair, For student minds are horror-shot, After seven months of peddled rot. Around The Columns Overheard IN REGARDS TO THE FOLLOWING-DON'T BELIEVE IT At a Board of Curators meeting: From now on we'll give negative hours for all absences during the three weeks prior to a vacation and the three weeks afterward. The Bloodshot Eye April-May . . . the grueling, fevered pitch reaches its .highest point . . the crescendo . .the horrible sensation of falling into a deep void of examinations and term papers . . . the inexorable week of reckon- ing coming closer, closer . . . the basic, frightening urge to fall in love . . . sweaty palms in third rate Columbia movie houses . . . drunken Hinkson orgies with their soul-destroying after-effects . . the stark terror of wakening up in the bleak light of day, unable to recall the night before . . . "Did I, or didn't I? . . Oh, God, I did!" . . . Life rolling along, gaining momentum until the flood stage, and the overflowing, uprooting everything in its path . . . the letter home from the dean . . . the resulting dilemma of the eagle or the tiger . . . the tiger loses . . . Salute! Damn you! And Aphrodite Laughed A new Stephens College rule requires any male desiring a date with a Susie to bring along a letter of rec6mmendation from his housemother, and a statement of his financial situation. When he arrives in the sanctuary of purity, a blood count will be tak- en to reduce the possibility of un- fortunate mishaps due to the RH factor. When this is completed, the last step is the signing of a Loyalty Oath, in which the prospective dater swears that he "never did. and never will date a university girl." Cul-Choor In the new literary magazine's first issue was a page entitled "Entertainment." Then functions at "the Churches," at "the Uni- versity," at "Christian College," at "Stephens College," and of course-the high culture spot of Columbia-the Tiger Theatre. We have heard that there is such a place, but we were unaware of its high rank by those connois- seurs of what is culturally ac- ceptable in Columbia-the edit- ors, bless their little hearts, of Feature. Educator's Exposed In a daring expose', SHOWME has discovered in the files of the University a ruling in small print that shows that 130 credit hours and 145 honor points are need- ed for graduation. This explains the large number of supposedly graduate seniors who are still wandering around Columbia with dazed expressions. To keep every- thing on the up and up, the ruling is printed in the Columbia Mis- sourian every December 25 un- der the stock market quotations. Sober Thoughts Here's the latest on the drink- ing situation. Don't clutch! At a receni meeting of the City Coun- cil it vas voted to raise the legal drink- ag age to 24, and to enforce it strictly as compared to the former laxity when even 18-year- olds were allowed to buy beer and other alcoholic concoctions. From September of this year on, students will be required to show a birth certificate to buy any form of alcoholic beverage from 3.2 beer to 190 proof wood alcohol. The enlistment of grad- ers from the university to act as "spotters" a la the Stephens plan, will facilitate in the observance of all drinking places in Columbia. Any underage student attempt- ing to buy such drinks is liable to a fine of fifty dollars and ten days in jail plus a free punch of his T. S. card. Split T Suicide In case you haven't looked at Missouri's pigskins schedule for the coming Fall here's the sched- ule: (Homecoming) Incidentally, another twist in the negative hour rule has been put into effect for next semester. "Any student will pick up a nega- tive hour for each AWAY game that he misses." Survivors Surveyed A survey taken of University of Missouri graduates of the last five years shows the following re- sults which may prove helpful to undergrads. Out of 200 graduates, 188 were earning less than $1900 per year. Of the remaining 12, 7 were working for the government and making upwards of $2200 per an- num, while the last 5 were mak- ing about $75,000 apiece and were being sought by law enforcement agents from all over the place. Missouri grads filled all types of positions, their limited educa- tion being no bar upon the kind of employment they were able to secure. Some were day laborers, some street cleaners, some coal miners, some (with M.A. of course) night watchmen. One was a cartoonist of sorts, while another, who never did get to a single class, became President of the Rotary Club in East Yogurt, Mo. These results don't look too bright for up and coming young students at the old State U today, but the Sociology Department in- forms us that it will run another survey next month "with defi- nitely different and more pleas- ing results" for people who would rather not believe these, Battle Stations Last week's communique from the ROTC Department has been verified by reliable observers and is reprinted here in full: Stepping down from control is Colonel Harris Karris, and mov- ing up as Commander-in-Chief is that well known military figure, General Harvey, the Weird. The General, viewing his lec- August 29 Maryland Away September 12 Tennessee Away September 26 Illinois Away October 4 Mich. State Away October 11 Georgia Tech. Away October 18 Standford Away November 3 Notre Dame Away November 10 Oklahoma Away November 25 Stephens Home Mo' Concerts In an effort to bring in a greater variety of listeners for university concerts, the administration has decided to mix its classical offerings with more popular stars. Thus, next year, the lover of good music may be able to hear Blanche Thebom combining with Frankie Laine on "Hambone" 'or Jerri Southern telling Ferrucio Tagliavini-"You better go now." Supplementing the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra will be the Firehouse Nine minus Two. Ten- nessee Ernie and Nathan Milstein will combine in what should be the oddest arrangement of the "Hot Canary" ever heard in these parts. In a diplomatically worded bulletin the university asserts that "this new set-up should have advan- tages which will make next year one of the most memorable on campus. And, if the students don't like it, we're never going to open the new Student Union that? ture room in a shambles, knowing that he must leave to assume his new duties, forced a grin. "I shall return," he said. Taking over his position, the General ordered uni- forms to be worn by all ROTC students on every day but Sun- day. "You can get a firing squad for breaking that one," he chuck- led. Hail and Farewell A new era is born. SHOWME has altered its policy. No more will "smut" be the pass- word. Vileness is OUT! The finer things in the arts will make up the ex-humor magazine. A new title-"The Showme Review of Literature," has been suggested. The editors are still looking up the word "literature" and will make a decision regarding the name as soon as the definition is located. Lewd-minded readers looking only for laughs must henceforth scan the pages of the Columbia Missourian. Viva Zapata! Hurry, Harry (Special to the Missouri SHOWME) Harry S. Truman, the haber- dasher who made good, is return- ing to his old stand. However, the sporty politico is coming to Columbia, Missouri, to take over a part interest in one of the local clothes shops. None of the owners of these stores is willing to ad- mit that he is to be in partnership with the famous Mr. T., but rumor has it, that the independ- ent from Independence will work behind the counter in an effort to meet as many people as pos- sible. Then in a few years, he will take over as President of the University. Party politics sharply divided university officials on this latter count. Staunch Republicans said, "Not on your life," while die- hard Democrats said, "Over my dead body." At a hasty glance, the general consensus seems to be "I like Ike," but "HST is not for me." However, all are agreed that Truman is the only man qualified to teach Mink Trapping 2, an ad- "Ouuu Darling. vanced course in Veterinary Med- icine. Red-ucation A recent "red scare" has petri- fied the entire campus. Under a veil of secrecy 14 professors, two janitors, and one "dive bomber" have been dismissed from the University payroll. In explaining their unprecedented action the Board of Curators said, "We're not sure these men are Reds, but then again we're not sure they aren't. Not being sure, we cer- tainly couldn't allow them to go on influencing the Youth of America." One of the janitors has since become associate editor of the "Daily Worker," indicating that the administration knew what it was talking about. When reached for comment, Senator McCarthy rubbed his hands together gleefully and squealed, "Goody, more heads will roll!" A Working SGA After a long period of inactiv- ity SGA has begun to work in fevered earnest. In a special news release, the government organiza- tion has announced that its Dis- crimination Committee is now . Your so ummy." screening all students who smoke Herbert Tareytons. They support their fearless stand by pointing to the cigarette's slogan, "Discrimi- nating people prefer Herbert Tareytons." To the other acco- lades which this fighting group must be receiving, we add our humble applause and thanks for a job which has long needed do- ing. Art Trouble From the fourth floor of Jesse, home of white rats and garret- chained painters, comes this start- ling announcement: Thomas Hart Benton is retiring in favor of Sal- vador Dali and a new art mode known as ice cubism. Benton's resignation is viewed with much disfavor, and Dali's coming with even more. Dali has listed some of the things he would like to see done to beautify the campus, and among these is the painting of red stripes around the columns, and a gigantic eye in place of the tower clock. When asked about his ideas for beautifying our campus, Salvador grinned through, under, and around his moustache and said, "I know oodles of ways to make this campus safe for democracy." 9 Ill. by herb knapp The li'l feller's did'n mean noth'in. They jus' wann'ed to. Play Like __"What'll we do, Tim? Just sit here on these back steps?" --"Let's play catch." ___"Can't 'til I bury that dead cat." __"When'd it die?" __-"I don't know. It looked drown-ded after I found it in the rain." __ "How'd you know it was dead? Bud?" by CHARLES RUSSEL Co-Editor of "Feature" ___"Eyes bugged. Mouth open. Didn't move.' --"What is being dead like?" -"Ain't being 'live, I guess." -"You ever been dead?" ___"Naw. Not unless I did once when I was a baby. You?" _."I smelt it once." ---"I heard it." ._"Where?" -- "Church. Yesterday morning. Crying and taking on." ___"How'd you know it was death?" .--"They brought it out in a white, long box." ---"Did you see it?" ___"Naw, box was closed." ---"Was it drownded, too?" .--"Probably dead from tonsili- tis." .--"Golly, I ain't dead from it." '"You might have died in your sleep one night." -_.-"Yeah, but nobody said any- thing 'bout me stinking." "-"Them dead men Roy Rogers shoots don't stink." '.-"They ain't really dead."' ___"How'd you know, smarty? They fall down and bleed, eyes bug, and they don't move. Same as that cat.'" .--"They ain't really dead. Here comes Louann. Let's ask her." -.--"What you going to ask me?" -.--"About being dead." _."Oh, it's pretty flowers, pretty dresses, and the music is like angels singing." --"It ain't when Roy Rogers kills 'em." ---"Margaret O'Brien looked so pretty and sweet with her eyes closed, her lips nearly smiling, and all those pretty dresses at her funeral." __-"I ain't never seen nothing dead like that, have you, Bud?" ___"Aw, that's just a silly old girl's talk. She don't know how to play with boys." '"If you are going to play dead I know how." "Who said we was going to play dead?" --"Well, scaady-cat. Afraid I'll be bettern's' you?" ---"Okay, Miss Priss. We'll play and see if you know how to stink and bug out your eyes- like our cat done." _"Where'll we play?" _---"Ain't this back porch okay?" ---"Yeah, Tim. We can use this old ice-box for the white, long box." -"Yeah, Louann. You come and crawl in and when we say ready you play dead." ."I ain't going to wear no pretty dress while she plays dead." "I ain't going to sing, neither, Bud! She won't carry a gun when it's our turn, I betcha." .--"Okay, I'm in. Just shut the door and yell when you're ready for me to start playing." .---"Buddy! Have you buried that cat?" --"No, mother." --"Well, do it this minute. Then you can play." "_Come on, Bud, I'll help you while Louann gets ready. Like all little old girls, she'll want to practice." --"She'll run off." ___"Naw, I fastened the door tight." ___"Well, you take this string and tie it around the cat's head so we can drag it. I' get a hoe." .--"There' a hoe by the garden gate." ---"Yeah, and the cat's just in- side the fence." --."That's death, all right." --"Ain't it a smell, though?"' .__"Where'll we dig?" ___"Oh, down behind the barn." -"Okay, you drag it to the back gate." --""You gonna cry?" ---"Not for an old cat." ."I did when Pal died." -.-"Pal was a good dog." _"I seen an Indian drag a man like this once. Except the In- dian was on a horse." _-"That ain't fair. That's the way I'm going to play dead." .--"Let me drag you?" -.--"Yeah, with a rope around my neck. Now tell me how's you going to play." "I'm going to let you push me off the barn while Louann stands in the loft bawling." -."That's no good, you'll just jump." --_"You'll hang onto the rope with your hands and your neck won't even be skint." -.--"Where you going to dig?" -. "Right here." '--"Won't need a big hole. Cat ain't as big as me." -."That deep enough?" .-"Yeah, I'll cover it up."' ---"Mother says buzzards might find it." -"Tlat's enough. No buzzards around here. Race you back to the house." --"'Let's see if the wren has any eggs in her nest." --"Where?" -.--"There on that rafter under the edge of the shed." .-"You been getting her eggs?" "Now, I'm going to catch the little-uns." __"Nope, don't' see a egg." - "Don't put your hand in there, idiot. Wren'll smell you and won't come back." n "I ain't dead. I don't smell." .--""To a wren you do. Dead or not." ---"Let's go get Louann and show her the nest. I don't want to play dead today. Let's play that tomorrow." . -"Okay. Race you to the porch." '--"You got a head start." '---"Didn't do it. I just runned faster." (Continued on page 16) "Would you be interested in a Ladies Home Companion?' II CHER-CHEZ A women is an angel at 10 a saint at 15, a devil at 40. and a witch at Only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulses could give the name of fair sex to that undersized, narrow shouldered broad-hipped, short legged race. Nietzsche Woman is a dish for the Gods. Shakespeare Frailty thy name is woman. Shakespere When a woman means mischief, if she but look upon her apron strings, the devil will help her presently. Lacy It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman in a widehouse. Old Testament Man is trained for war. Woman LA COED Every woman who has money is a matrimonial venture. Shaw. I never thought I'd see the day when girls would be sunburned in the places they do now. Will Rogers However ugly she may be, every woman is pleased with her own looks. Ovid for the recreation of man. Neistze Parasite woman. Teddy Roosevelt Wicked women bother one . . . Good women bore one. That is the only difference btween them. Oscar Wilde PAT KILPATRICK To Dern Good The sun baked down on Ignatz Kalswalski's bare head as he walked down the ha f-empty street. Everything was going just a little too good to suit him. He was a short, heav-set man with her? Anyway, its only been flaming red hair and a rudey complexion made him look as if he had been drinking. Kicking at a robin which hop- ped a little too close to the side- walk, he thought, "Hell, I haven't been called up to see the Prof in almost a week. I have been pass- ing most of my tests. Something is going to happen." Turning right at the end of the block, he saw the ramshackle two-storied house where he lived. A lone tree and a few clumps of untrimmed grass stood in the front yard. As he turned in on the walk, the dog jumped from his resting place on the front porch and ran to the back of the house so that he wouldn't be kicked again. The landlady met him at the door and asked him for the rent. He cursed loudly and brushed past her. "What the devil was the matter with her? Anyway, its only beei- three months since I paid the rent. She'd get the money. Haa- n't she always?" He climbed the stairs to his small, dimly-lit room on the second floor, and threw himself upon the bed. After lying there for several minutes, he raised up and looked around the room. Noticing a letter on the desk, he got up and went over to see what it was about. It was Missouri Showme "Any luck today dear?" from the Dean's Office, asking him toreport and explain his ab- sence on a negative hour day. Throwing down the letter, he turned and started from the room. He slipped on a scatter rug ana fell with a lound thud on the floor. He cursed under his breath, started to get up, but instead re- mained in his present position and smiled. Maybe things weren't go- ing so bad after all. THE END Wife: "How helpless you men are! What would you do if there were no women to sew on your buttons for you?" Husband: "Has it occurred to you dear, that if there we no wo- men that we men would need no buttons?" John "F-E-E-T," the teacher exclaim. ed. "What does that spell John- nie?" "I dunno." "Well what is it that a cow has four of that I have only two of?" So Johnnie told her. "Why didn't you warn me about the big dog in this place?" Frozen Gold Ice Cream DON L. SMALL G-E STORE H.R. Mueller Florist Burchroeder's University Book Store ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE (Continued from page 11) ----"You ready, Louann?'" .---"Ready or not, open that door. We ain't going to play dead today." ._-"Yeah, I want to show you the wren's nest in the shed." __-."Look, Bud." .---"Yeah, Tim. Her eyes bug." _- -"Her mouth's open." __- "She don't stink." __-"Yeah, but I didn't think a girl'd play that real." __ "I don't want to play that real." ___"What'll we do." _.-"Let's play catch." __-"Okay." THE END * * * "I had a rotten date last night." "Yeah, what did you do?"' "Why, I spit it out." Marsha You remind me of Nero. Why? Here I am burning, and you're just fiddling around.-Banter ** * The difference between amnesia and magnesia is that the fellow with amnesia can't remember where he is going. Burglar: "Please let me go, lady, I ain't never done nothing wrong before." Old Maid: "Well, it's never too late to learn." The Spirits A clammy darkness hung on Cauliflower Center, almost tangible, for it clung to the millions of fog-drops which wandered up and down the town's perpetually muddy roads. The Center seldom saw the sun, for in addition to the eternal shroud of fog, a color- less shadow from the Ozark mountains in whose valley it cowered fell like a mystic drapery over its ghostly outline. The town was filled with the surreal fog-forms of hollow build- ings, which from across the street looked like monstrous faces gasp- ing at what they saw and had seen. Occasionally a fearless soul could be seen flitting, phantom- like, through the thoroughfares. Just as often as not, it was in reality a. transient passing through, from the nether world into the hereafter, or wherever vacationing horrors go. Considerable confusion, incon- venience, and a few deaths had re sulted from this difficulty of dis- cerning the citizens of this world from those of the other. More than one man had migrated into eternity on discovering that he wasn't discussingethe price of corn with John Brown, but Luke Spook. Finally, the genius of in- ventive mankind rose, as always, to the highest occasions, and this menace was staved off. The in- habitants merely skipped their yearly bath, and before long a delicate sniff enabled one to dif- ferentiate between earthly and unearthly. Of particular terror in this haunted town was the cabin of long-dead I v a n Frankensmith, who was rumored to have dabbled in Death during his life, and, now that he was dead, to be dabbling in Life. It was not an uncommon occurence to find a body or two lying outside of his cabin way up on the mountain side--always with expressions of agonied ter- ror on contorted faces. It soon became the common conception that the spirits of his whole family were using this as a worldly base for their stygian soirees. The townspeople felt cer- tain that these spirits had re- susciated the Frankensmith mons- ter and were sending him abroad Who is dead, who is alive? Excuse me sir, I thought you were a spook. Read mere mortal, of the SPIRITS! 17 to roam the world in search of satisfactions f or their not-so- ghostly passions. Thus they, rath- er than fear, received the blame for the rash of illegitimate mur- ders, gambling parties, beer-sales, and children which followed upon the arrival of this opinion. Which is why Heavy Harrison and Jake McLake were sitting steeped as much in fear as fog, and probaby more in ennui and alcohol than either, one dull June noon. They were gradually sink- ing into the spongy,once-wooden sidewalk. They had been gradu- ally sinking for the last thirty years. Heavy studied the big, brown pool of tobacco juice lying in the niiddle of the stagnant sidewalk. "Battle Axe?" he asked. "Naw. Brown's Mule," was the answer. "Well, that'll do, Jake. Gimme a chaw." "That was tough as hell about old Zeb Evans, wasn't it? He's sure been having it rugged since the tragedy," Jake deftly turned the conversation. "Tragedy? What happen', his old lady die?" 18 "Naw. Worse'n that . . ." "Has his mple passed on?" "Nope. Worse yet. His will broke down." The original stunning shock at the calamitous nature of this ca- tastrophe developed into three days of respectful silence for the tobacco chawer and his com- panion, the would-be tobacco chawer. Which is one reason they were Ill. by Bill Braznell still sitting in the same place and position three days later. Luke was the other reason, for the un- dertaker had tried to bury them twice but his lack of sucess at lifting Heavy discouraged him. It was getting close to darkc when an ectoplasmic whirl of gray whiskers, blue-b 1 ac k overalls, white face, and purple cuss words came gyrating through the fog from the edge of town. The town was terrified. "It's a tornado!" The farmers ran for their cellars. "It's the Devil!" The preachers ran for their churches. "It's Carrie Nation reincarnate!" The saloon-keepers ran for their taverns. "It's Ike Yensig and a fifth of Home-Brew, half in and half out of him." Everyone ran out to see what the hell it was all about. The town was mortified. Ike rolled his eyes, ten men in the crowd rolled cigarettes, and a cynic in the Legion Hall rolled a four the hard way. "What's up beside your alcohol count, Ike?" someone finally ask- ed. "I-I-I-seen 'e m, t h e y' re there, I seen 'em! Uh-uh-up underneath the old cabin. The Yensig spirits are real! I seen 'em with my own eyes, in a hidden un- derground tomb, like, underneath the cabin!" The town was stupefied. It was as much a shock as at the New Year's party last year when everybody was feeling merry, then Mary got mad and went home. "Let's go get them!" desperate- ly suggested the man who was losing in the Legion Hall crap game. The town was petrified. "Before they get us!" slyly add- ed the undertaker, and then slip- ped off unnoticed to figure out his probable profits. The town was electrified. Soon the whole of Main Street was eerily lit up by the torches which he excited, frightened mob had gathered for their march to and storming of the Frankensmith cabin. Soon after, the mob was thoroughy lit up by the lighter fluid, anti-freeze, whiskey, and Hadacol they had brought along as fortification. On reaching the vicinity of the cabin they were forced to crawl under low, gnarled trees hanging with clammy Spanish moss, (Continued- on page 20) Horror of the Year "The University has the legal authority to act to the student in the same relation as parent to child." From a quotation of the University charter by Dean of Students Jack Mathews. Central The STEIN CLUB DRAKE'S Drive-In (Continued from page 18) through a quagmire of swampy quicksand alive with water moc- casions, and across a ditch full ol alligators. Accomplishing t h i s was not as difficult as it might seem, however, for the citizens had spent more time in prone positions than any other and thus found it no trouble at all to crawl. The mob poured into the cabin, followed Ike to a crude stone fire- place, and gasped with apprehen- sions and amazement as he grunt- ingly raised the stone bottom, re- vealing a crude staircase leading down into a dark hole. Courage wavered, but Ike led on. They stumbled hestitantly down the stairs in the dim fireplace and followed through a low earthen tunnel. The torches played gro- tesque, menacing shadows in a Dance of Death across the walls. The group turned a corner and went on thiough the dank, musty air in pitch black darkness, save for the weird flickering of the torches, until Ike stopped. All who were able crowded around as he edged along the wall of a very short hall angling off the main corridor and stopped at the entrance to a small, low-ceilinged chamber. The moldy, pungent odor of damp earth settled heavi- ly, suffocatingly, on every nostril in the expanse of darkness and shadow. It was the odor of fresh- ly spaded dirt, like that found around new graves. The uniform breathing of every man in the group wheezed in a dying echo. The drip, drip of water seeping through someplace rumbled and reverbrated do w n (Continued on page 27) John I Know A. Great Truth Ten thousand acres of sunlit sand; not a tree, or strand of grass, or other living thing with- in sight from one horizon to the other. The little man with the bright red-checked shirt paused for a moment, setting down his carbine carefully so that no sand would edge its way into the rifled interior of the barrel. This was a little senseless; he had on shells, and the gun would have been too light to use as a club. He could just as well have left it behind. From the belt around his middle he untwisted the bit of wire that held a wide mouth can to his waist, sighing as he did so. He turned the can upside down for a moment, and was surprised to note an ounce of water roll out on to the sand with a slight slurp. There really shouldn't have been any water there, he thought, and 'then he remembered: the ice cube that had been so carefully pre- served for so long had at last melted. The can fell from his grasp and rolled a foot or two. Mea- suring his distance with exactness he pulled back his foot and kick- ed as hard as he could. He was rewarded with immediate action, for the can curved upward in a gentle arc and landed some twenty yards away, and rolled for another ten feet before coming to a holt in a little depression carved by the wind. Jesse Morris, for that was his name, sat down and untied a shoelace. Then he unbuttoned the red shirt, brushed some imagin- ary sand off the front of his vest and untied the other shoe. The heavy wool socks were soaked with sweat, but his feet still felt cool. After both feet and nine toes were brushed free of sand he sat perfectly quiet and stared at the place where the missing toe should have been. This brought on amusing thoughts, for he laughed slightly and gazed around to see if anyone could by chance be near enough to enjoy his joke with him. No one was. Jesse leaned on his hands, stretched back behind him, and slowly be- gan to cry, one large tear slowly face, with a straight nose, high brown, lined face. A handsome following another down his cheekbones, and pale blue eyes that would have sparkled with in- ternal humor had they not been so glazed with too much sun for too long a time. Beyond the red shirt in a general south direction was a pair of expensive tuxedo trousers that would have served with credit on a ball room floor, had there not been a slight rip in one knee. And the wool socks were argyle, brown and yellow (Continued on.page 22) by William McNaughton KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER The Novus Shop Zesto (Continued from page 21) diamonds with red tops. Slowly Jesse pulled the socks and shoes back on and stood ups Picking up the carbine, he bent his head a little and began plodding on in the direction from which he had just come. He knew where he had been, for the small dents left by his shoes in the sand were still visible. He had covered perhaps half a mile of the monotonously regular sand when he paused again, and looked about. Reaching into his back pocket he pulled out a pair of pinking shears, and then care- fully looking about again, as if fearful some one would see him, he cut the red top off one of his argyle socks, and tied it to the trigger guard on his gun. Then he grasped the stock with both hands and firmly rammed the barrel into the sand until the gun stood erect and unwavering in the calm hot air. Stretching himself at full length on the sand, Jesse began doing push-ups. Over the same regular stretch of sand, ten miles to the east of Jesse's carbine, a fairly new Cad- illac was wending its way with some effort, for in spite of special tires and skies on the front wheels the sand was a trifle soft for a large car. The driver was satisfied with his progress, how- ever, for he paid little attention to the speed and was only mildly concerned with steering; had be been going much faster, he still would have paid little attention to the steering. After all, what could he hit? Mounted on a bearing that al- lowed them to be turned to any angle was a pair of field glasses (Contiued on page 24) Marsha "He suits me fine, but. dad finds him a bit too effeminate." "WEEEEE" Stuff "Gor George You Never told me you were in a fraternity." "So you won't pick up your feet." LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U.S. town names. Examples: From RYE, N. Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pair- ings as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relation- ship between the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes- Contest closes June 30, 1952. All entries should a'rrive at Life Sav- ers, Port Chester, not later than June 30, 1952 to qualify. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning com- binations may be used in future advertisements, together with the names of the wiriners. In case of ties duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N.Y. (Continued from page 22) which the driver handled witha naturalness born of experience. From time to time he scanned the vast spread of sand, noting care- fully any detail which should not be there under normal circum- stances. On one of his regular checks he noted the carbine pro- truding from the sand and head- ed his Cadillac toward it. Jesse first noticed the shiny bumper when it appeared two feet from his nose, and when he was on his one-hundred sixty first push-up. Stopping the exer- cise, he glanced up at the legs which approached him from the driver's side of the bumper, and then, without bothering to see what face might be above, he con- tinued the one-hundred sixty sec- ond push-up. "I say, old boy, what goes here? You in trouble." Perhaps a natu- ral question, considering the viewpoint of the driver. Jesse stopped p ush in g-u p. "Parvenu," he said, somewhat ac- cusingly. "All around me I find them," said Jesse. "The place is lousy with them, all over the place. The true aristocracy has long been dead, and there is nothing any of us can do. A natural enough con- dition, considering the decay of all that was civilized within the last decade, but still I regret it at times." Jesse sat up. The driver was a bit puzzled. "Well, I don't know as I go along with your opinion," he ventured, "but I would be glad to give you any assistance necessary. In my car I have water, and also- special today-some fresh cod- fish." "A, thank you no. I appreciate the offer but it really isn't neces- sary, you know. I have my gun you see, and my freedom, and what more could I need." "Granted," Jesse added after some thought, "That there are in- stances that I myself have been seen when something is lacking under circumstances such as this, but in my particular case nothing else is needed. Where'd you get the car?" "I snitched it," said the driver proudly. "Like it?" Jesse looked the car over care- fully for a time, then stated, "It is fairly well adapted to this ter- rain, but do you not find it less practical than a lighter model?" John The driver considered. "True, so true, but I don't think I should complain, considering the price, which was nil." Jesse nodded. He .must have seen the logic to this remark. (Continued on page 26) Life Savers Teacher (warning her pupils against catching colds): "I had a little brother seven years old, and one day he took his new sled into the snow. He caught pneumonia and died three days later." Silence for ten seconds. Small voice from rear of room: "Where's the sled?" A certain person very highly placed had a seat in the gallery at Washington the day General MacArthur made his famous ad- dress. When that person returned home, another asked: "What hap- pened? What impression did Gen- eral MacArthur make?" The answer was a classic. It was: "There wasn't a dry eye on the Republican side or a dry seat on the Democratic side!" Henry (over the phone)--Is Emily in? Maid-She's taking a bath. Henry-Sorry, I have the wrong number. Laughter Thoughts Taken from a paper in English comp: "A morality play is one in which the characters are goblins, ghosts, virgins, and other super- natural characters." He: I feel as if we were engag- ed. She: Yes, and you're got to stop it. Two men were working on the White House lawn, each supplied with a small push cart upon which was a garbage can. They walked about picking up papers with a long spear. One spied a piece of toilet paper and began to spear it, when suddenly a gust of wind came up and blew the paper into the White House through an open window. The man became frantic and rushed into the building. He re- turned shortly and said: "I was too late. He had already signed it." Modern man will stand for al- most anything but a woman in a streetcar. 25 "I really don't care for you at all Henry. But I'd rather kiss you than be conspicious." (Continued from page 3) me by an M.U. student, Warren Murry . . .first saw your mag while on leave . . and thought -it was the best. I am an ex- M.S.M'er and can appreciate your subtle slams at Zuzies, etc. . . the mag is good to anyone as is evidenced by my well worn copy that has already mnade the rounds of half the battalion . all anxiously waiting for the next copy. C. C. Cory DMSN 339 6022 109 Seabees, Guam. It's good to know that somewhere in the world there is someone who doesn't want to reform us, thanks . . . Ed. Dear Ed, Four Roses and a case of Old Grand Dad for your achievement in the "TO THE WOODS IS- SUE,' naturally referring to the "Angello Case." Unquestionably the "Angello Case" belongs to the Mickey Spillane s c h o o-an anemia of insidious sex, morals in the masses manner, and chronic tortured sentiment to impress the plebians, hayseeds, as it were. Watch out for the big bad "Sat- urday Evening Post"; they'll either have Litner Mayfield wit- When do you get saterical on Erskine Caldwell? Walt and Dave Vicinity Savoy Coctail Lounge, St. Louis. (Nine Months in Columbia) John A southern farmer was intro- ducing his family of boys to the President. "Seventeen boys," he said. "All are democrats but John, the little rascal. He got to readin'." (Continued from page 24) "If there is nothing I can do to help," said the driver, when the nod had lengthened into a pause lasting several minutes, "I think t best that I be on my way. I have a spare radio set here which will enable you to contact me should you at any time feel that you need my aid.I can re- ply to you over the set which I have thoughtfully mounted in the car for just such an occasion as this." "Really, I couldn't accept such a gift," said Jesse. "If I do need you I will construct a set and call. Thank you anyway." "7800 kilocycles," said the driver, "Cherry-bye." Marsha He waved slightly with his right hand and climbed back in the car. The motor raced, the car eased away and presently remain- ed but a small spot. Jesse watch- ed until it disappeared from sight completely. "People are such fools," he muttered aloud for the carbine to hear. Then he floped back on his stomach, erased the tire marks within his arm's reach, ao.d start- ed the push-ups again. Again aloud he said, "I believe that I was somewhere near the two-hundred mark when I stop- ped. In the long run I don't sup- pose it matters a great deal what the number was, but I shall as- sume that it was two hundred and one; such a nice even number to start off with." As Jesse started his push-ups again the Cadillac was weaving erratically from side to side, and sometimes running in small cir- cles, for short periods. All be- cause the driver was not steering; he'was bent over the wheel, con- vulsed with laughter. Who ever heard of a man doing push-ups in the middle of a desert with sand all over everything. This was the thought that kept the driver from steering, and the reason the Cad- illac was occasionally running in small circles. THE END * * * Frank: "They say Tom's wife had triplets after reading 'The Three Musketeers'." Will: "Good heavens, mine was reading the 'Birth of a Nation' when I left." (Continued from page 20) the endless catacombs until it sounded like a warning from be- yond the Tomb. The burning tapers flickered even more un- steadily, as if they too feared the unknown. Their shuddering light reflected a madness in every buldging eye. All crystallized into a saturat- ing wave of awe as they saw what had resulted in the many horrible deaths; they saw what had for years been only a vague, spectral tale, and then rushed forward to get at them, electrified into ac- tion by the shouts, "Whoops, there they are! There are the Frankensmith spirits" which went up as a ray of light fell on one of a group of large kegs on the crudely printed letters "Spirits of Corn-Likker XXX" THE END "My Boy," said the successful man lecturing his son on the im- portance of thrift, "when I was your age I carried water, for a gang of bricklayers." '"Im proud of you, father," answered the boy, "If it hadn't been for your pluck and perse- verence, I might hEz e had to do something of that scAt myself." Life is just an everlasting, struggle to keep money coming in and teeth and hair and vital organs from coming out. .s e ;; "OK big boy let her rip." Zere once was ze meestaire named Dan Got fresh on ze beach at Ze Cannes Zaid Ze Madammaizelle Eh Monsieur, what ze hell Stay away from vere it iss not sun tan. -Panther The new method of catching elephants requires a piece of paper, a milk bottle, a pair of tweezers and binoculars. Go to the elephant country, find a pool of water and wxite on the paper: "For Elafants." When the ele- phants come up to drink, they will see that their name is spell- ed: wrong and :start laughing, When the other elephants hear them laughing, they will come up to see what they are laughing about. At that point you look at the elephants through the wrong end of the binoculars. The elephants look so small that you pick them up with the tweezers and put them in the milk bottle! "Tell me a peoble story daddy." Gonna be busy tonight? I dunno. It's my first date. Today the zipper is the undoing of the modern girl.-Punchbowl. The boy kissed his date good- iight and she began to shiver violently. She was wearing a low- backed dress and he'd forgotten he was still holding an ice cream cone. "How do I know it's a blood- houd?" she asked doubtfully. "Ambrose," the proprietor or- dered, "bleed for the lady." "You've read that sentence wrong, Miss Adams, it's all men are created equal, not all men are made the same way." "That dress looks very well on you." "Why of course it does. I was just made for this dress." "You should have held out for a fur coat!" * 27 27 Gouls of the Month Central Dairy Sightseers Club . . . Member of Women's Esti- mate Board . . . University Whistlers . . . Committees on Solicitation and Health . .Nat- ional Snow Honorary . . . Get 'em off the Streets Club . . Workshop . . . Student Intro- duction and Induction Comm- ittee. Any Class . All Ages . . . Any Street Corner Any- where in the World. Witch of the Month Keeper of the Key . . . Chair- man of Morals Board. . Who's Who in the Back Hall Association. . Mistress of Cere- monies of Closing Hours Com- mittees . . Student Frustation Department . . . Delegate to the Lets Keep on the Lights Conference . . . President of W. S. T. T. H. . . . . . (We squeal to the housemother) . . . Timekeepers and Watch- makers Association . . . Rep- resentative of All Campus Doorgirls. . . . Get 'em In Off The Streets Club . . . Senior in 28 Education . . Anywhere in U.S. V. I. A. (Very Important Article) by JOYCE C. GRELLER I took my last look at the ap- proaching car. This was absurd, me at the bottom of the elevator shaft at the Ben Holt Hotel. An- other false news tip. And that jerky elevator operator about to bring his car right down on my head. I said quickly prayers-God Bless Inspector Rashviews, Hou- deani of Students, and star of the Vice Man Cometh, Mr. Crump, your garbage picker and mine, and long live my editor, the laziest man in town. The elevator boy, later identified as a copy- reader 1 grader, Neon "The Nico- tine Hour-I'll make it hot for you" Arson, chickened out. He stopped the car at 2, ran up to 3, and cut the cable with his "I" tooth. Wow! Was it ever heavy! In fact, too heavy. I received my last shaft in the shaft. A vampire in a nurse's uniform broughe me the message that I was to report to Read Hall in a week to donate my blood. They knew I was borrowing from the blood bank and the little I had was oozing with leukemia and RH. After type, I put Vulcan Bold, Italic. I received liver pills daily, fattening me for the "Big Drain." The idiots, they also knew I had no liver. Came the day- They quickly removed 10 quarts of my red blood, leaving the bad blood for Disciplinary Board. This was one way to get rid of my varicose's. But I saw the sly old biddies pumping it all into some shriveled old faculty member on the other side of a screen, that is, all that those greedy nurses didn't imbibe. They didn't tell me about my 100 per cent contribution to the skin graft bank. There was nothing left after that-so I sign- ed the release and they carted my remaining skelton off, as my last donation, to the Anthro. Dept. I can see them now trying to pass off my bones to those stupid students as some sort of a rare gorilla, but I'll never know if I passed. Wasn't brother Charles amus- ing as he decapitated the head on his little wax dolly of me? Why it laughed heartily as it slipped off my neck, rolled into my lap and on to the floor. Then there was the morning I went into the the Tropic for my Cup of Panther Sweat, the Tropic's answer to Gum Turpen- tine with caffein added. The new waiter somehow let the rubber edge on the big percolator slip into the coffee. Everyone downed their liquified Goodrich with the usual complaints. Not even a good retread could save this rubba numba now. I was thus erased in- ternally, permanently. We mustn't forget the weak dance floor at Abe's. In the mid- dle of a foxy trot I felt my pocket seismograph jump wildly around. On removal, I noticed great trem- ors had been recorded. Too late again. A board swung up and knocked me to the floor. I was prone to argue, as the crowd danced over me and stamped me permanantly into the rest of the floor. Marsha I had gone to the clinic merely to borrow a piece of litmus paper to test the hangnails I had just taken from Max, my pet goldfish I suspected the poor thing of dia- betes, so many taffy apples and zestos, lately. Two minutes later I found myself in the contagious ward,sandwiched in the same bed between a leper and a case of doubled pneumonia. How nice of the student doctor a Hickman student, no less) to bring me my last meal, but it was too late. I had just failed the breath test. So, anyway, they served Max to the malaria patient under my bed. Jesse has been condemned since the year one. Who cares? I attended a Musicale there recent- ly with a fellow student. There aren't any teachers left to date, it seems the graders have monopo- lized that quarry. The combined 400 piece military and concert bands were giving a recital. One student was so overcome with emotion after they played the "How Dry I Am" that he leaped out of his box. Too much for ye olde Jazzy Hall. The floor just happened to cave in under my seat, and I was hurled into the hot furnace below, shouting Vive Le Yellow Press. Fortunately, I 30 missed an even crueler death from the falling chandelier that just happened to hit my empty seat a second later. It fell through and burned with me. Yes, Jesse is still condemned, but I'm not. Heh-heh. The hottest place in town-the Libe, especially the third floor with its eternal radiator of much heat. Better than knock-out drops in that 167 degree room, if you wish to retire. Fifteen minutes and two swoons later, I decidea the immense heat too much and sashayed down to two. But just my luck I fell asleep, and the sun beaming thru the window set my cheap cardboard sun-shade on fire and before I knew it, I was burnt to a crisp down to my waist. Hot cinders! One to go. The plunge off Lover's Leap, pin and all, or the time they tricked me into going down to the press room of the Missourian with some copy and slung me in the big Rotary to help ease the pulp shortage. Next thing I knew, I was stuffed in the stand outside of J School and going for a nickel. These little goodies aren't worth mentioning. Went to visit the local "We don't like Juvenile Deliquents, and that means everyone" Board the other day. The little Kefauver Comm. of the Midwest asked me to help select a Home-Coming Queen for the 1952 June Purge. (Leave now, and avoid the Janu- uary Graduation Purge). They sang a few bars of "We told you we love you, now get out." I don't think they agreed with my selection. That's all folks-It's beeen heaven. THE END Marsha Then there is the story about the dead daschhund. He met his end going around a tree. * * * Old maid to a rober: "Good gracious-frisk me again." * * * "Next" Swami's Snorts He: "Do you know what knee action is in a car?" Coed: "Yes, and don't you try it." She: "I'm a good girl." He: "Who asked you." She: "No One. He: "Then no wonder you're a good girl." A bather whose clothing was strewed By winds that left her quite nude And a man came along . . . And unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd! One carton of CHESTERFIELDS will be awarded each month to the person submitting the best joke to be run in this column. Address all entries to SHOWME, 302 Read Hall. This months win- ner is Marjean Phillips, 705 Ken- tucky Ave. she passed i saw and smiled she turned and smiled to answer to my smile i wonder if she too could know her underware hung down a mile Marjean, you rake you . . . ** * A priest saw one of his parishon- ers hanging drunkenly over a lamp post. "For shame, young man, what's gotten into you." "Three fathers, feather." Marsha MODERN LITHO-PRINT COMPANY Contributors' Page I never thought I'd see the day Swami would welcome a librarian into his debased fold. Early last fall we heard about some wonderful cartoons on display in the library. So, being in a scholarly mood one afternoon, we wandered through the "book dispenser" (On our way to the Shack). After four years we found something good in the library. Since then Madge, "The Crew-cut," Fisher has become a mainstay on the cartoon staff. So often she " sees somthing funny in somthing "clean." Somthing the rest of the staff has naturally overlooked. A few weeks ago, however, she joined the inner-sactum. Madge had somthing banned! Which only re-proves, for the millionth time, that you can't ever tell what a dizzy blond is thinking. 'Specially one with hair down to her ankles. Not a contributor in the conventional conception of the term, the only thing Mr. Robbins has contributed to SHOWME is it's continued existence! He's the one alright. Our, much maligned, censor. If we put out a clean magaine you blame him, if we put out a lusty issue the university blames him. Really, he hasn't got a prayer. Yet the never- ending punishment of actually having to read SHOWME is the most minor of Mr. Robbins' uncountable enterprises. As director of the universities O.P.I. Mr. Robbins handles everything from scholarly, un- intelligible epics on obscure research, to propogadana pamphlets for high school Seniors. If it's' got the universities name on it you can be pretty sure Mr. Robbins had a couple of fingers in it's creation. Bob "Rube Erwin is a man you'll find hard to beat. (If his metab- lism is working well, that is.) When Rube's metablism is really gener- ating all the innkeepers in East Saint Louis rub their grubby hands with glee and start planning trips to Palm Beach. Besides financing tavern-lackies holidays Rube occasionally finds time to scrawl some literature for campus consumption. He has the distinction of being the most censored contributor of the past year. But one thing, he keeps right on trying. "Degeneration before intimidation!" Rube should have no trouble becoming a literary success. Anything he writes is sure to be banned in Boston . . at the very least. When he isn't in the Shack, you can usaully locate him at the Sigma Chi house, scrib- bling endorsements for ale ads. She's lovely, she's gorgous . . . she knows how to type. We don't know what kind of blackmail T. Walsh used to induce this creature to piddle around the office, but were in favor of it. This product of KKG Distributing Corp, is easier on the eyes than Pet Milk on a babies pallet. She's involved to boys. Go on back to yer pinball machine. 32 DOBBS CAVANAGH KNOX BERG BYRON C & K DUNLAP Camel Cigarettes