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Missouri Showme Columbia Confidential February, 1953; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1953

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Missouri Showme February 25 cents Columbia Confidential Garland's Pucketts TIGER THEATER CAMPUS JEWELERS Swami Snorts And then there's the college boy who dubbed his Model A the Mayflower because so many Puritans had come across in it. First Suzie: Why are you straightening up the room? Second Suzie: I read in the pa- per that two girls were arrest- ed for keeping a disorderly house. * * * A despondent old gentleman emerged from his club and climbed into his limousine. "Where to, sir?" asked the chauffeur. "Drive off a cliff, James, I'm committing suicide." The birds do it; The bees do it; The little bats do it; Mamma, why can't I take flying lessons? * * * Telephone operator to a new girl she is breaking in: "No, hon- ey, you say, 'Just a moment, please,' not 'Hang onto your pants, Mister!' " "What's your cat's name?" "Ben Hur." "How did you hit on that name?" "Well, we called it Ben until it had kittens." * * * Father: Well, son, what did you find most difficult to learn in college? Son: How to open a bottle with a quarter. "Hi, luscious. Which way are you going?" "You despicable wolf. You abom- inable cad. That's no way to ad- dress a lady who lives at 567 Mester Ave., telephone 3847-J." M.U.S.T Presents A Balanced Slate For President For Vice-President M. U. S. T. RAY POTTS Junior Affiliated Representative - Phi Eta Sigma Freshman Men's Honorary - Interfraternity Coun- cil Committee on Constitutional Re- vision - Graham Hall Council. For Secretary MILT YEARY Treasurer, Defoe Hall - Orienta- tion Committee of SGA-Co-Chair- man, Red Cross Blood Drive - Chairman, S.G.A. Student Court - Faculty New Student Planning Week - Ag Club - Committee on SGA Retreat - Sophomore Coun- cil - Sales Manager of Showme. For Treasurer 1. Establishment of a Student Traffic Court 2. Solution of the Parking Problem 3. Improvement of Cafeteria Food and Sanitation 4. Efficient Petition System and Advancement by Merit 5. More Publicity of S. G. A. Events and Meetings 6. Action Promoting Central Dining and Recreation Units for Men's Dorms 7. Constructive Efforts for a Men's Swimming Pool SANDY SMITH Women's Pan-Hel President - Freshman Judiciary Board of AWS - Sophomore AWS - Junior A WS - Kappa Epsilon Alpha Scholarship Honorary - W.A.A. - Secy., Swim Club - Carousel - Activity Chairman, Kappa Alpha Theta - Phi Upsilon Omicron, Home Ec Honorary. CARL TINNON President, Cramer Hall 1952-53 - President, Stafford Hall, 1951-52 - Inter Dorm Council - Councillor, Cramer Hall - Soph. Representa- tive on SGA Council - Ed. Repre- sentative on SGA Council. It's A M.U.S.T For S.G.A. Brady's Editor's Ego To the many fans who have been pondering the sudden with- drawal of Miss Kilpatrick from the swivel chair of this collegiate comic book, we can promise that she has neither been laid low by a swarm of belligerent Ste- phens girls nor deported for poi- soning the minds of minors. The fact of the matter is that the "Killer", her eyes bloodshot but unbowed has retired to a neutral corner to brood over new and better ways of warping the pub- lic funny bone . . . This month, Showme, with its usual candor and interest in the public welfare, conducts its own investigation into the vice and sin of this garden spot of the ham belt - Columbia. About time, too. About time somebody found out what grizzly menace lies be- hind the locked door of Gaebler's - or how the Business Manager of Savitar bought that "Caddy" hard-top - or what they really talk about in the inner sanctum of the SGA Politbureau - or how the Student girl-of-the-week is actually picked. Showme, de- fender of truth and champion of the nickle beer - brings you Co- lumbia Confidential: . . Next month - who knows, we may investigate Showme . . If this activity ticket goes through, think of the effect on those publications which come un- der the plan. First comes the sub- sidy! And then SOCIALIZA TION! Think of our butting jour- nalists on the Missouri STUDENT - they'll probably be forced to print Faculty notices, Want Ads for destitute instructors, and - on every page - a copy of the SGA minutes. We may not be making a mint with Swami's crew, but, we're not bound by the trappings of subsidization. "Is security so dear, and money so sweet, as to be bought at the price of chains and slavery? We know not what course others may take, but as for us, give us liberty or give us pencils to sell on the street corners." Wally ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE There's something I've been meanin' to ask you. MISSOURI Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE STAFF EDITOR Bill Braznell ASSOCIATED EDITORS Pat Kilpatrick Joe Gold BUSINESS MANAGER Ben Bruton ADVERTISING MANAGER Bill Roberts PUBLICITY DIRECTOR Kay Carr JOKE EDITOR Judy Rose CIRCULATION AND SALES Leon Miller Milt Yeary PROOF READER Hal Miller ADVERTISING ART Jack Frost ARTISTS Madge Harrah Paul Mullane Ed Farber Bob Carter Joe Beeler Harry Stanbury Jack Frost FEATURES Rube Erwin Gene Koppel Roger Julin Betty Rudy Warren Murray Lindy Baker ADVERTISING SALESMEN Kitty Jackson Nola Middleton Bob Whitfield Jerry Case Contents THE LOWDOWN How things are done in Columbia, from Curfew to Warfare. This may replace the Guide to the Campus ON THE TOWN What to do and where to go if you happen to be marooned in the Convention City _ _ _ I WAS THE PRISONER The true experiences of a victim of the Clinic as told to Warren Murray ALL THE WAY HOME If you liked "the First Gift" in the Xmas Issue, you'll like Gen Koppel's latest ______________ MIZZOU EXPOSED or THE NAKED TRUTH Bill Braznell depicts the Quad - with nudes in two pages of centerspread -----____ PORTRAIT OF A GRADER A frank, startling account of the grading system and the "curve?" CENTERSPREAD BY BILL BRAZNELL PHOTOS BY GEORGE MILLER Volume 29 FEBRUARY 1953 Number 5 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E 42nd St., New York City. Printer Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office Hours: 1:30 to 3:30 p.m., Monday through Fri- day, 302 Read Hall. Chicago has its vice and sin, And New York has it too, But for real low down corruption, All Hail to thee, Mizzoul 6 The Lowdown Curfew For those unfamiliar with the oddities of Columbia, here's the real malarkey. All young ladies (even town girls) have to get home some time. It would be wise to check on these times for the different schools. Stephens - 8 o'clock on week nights, 9:13 on Fridays and Saturdays; Christian - 7:30 on week nights, 10 o'clock Saturday night, and right after church on Sunday. University - midnight during the week, 12:04 on weekend (but remember what happened to Cinderella - the last four minutes are at your own risk.); Hickman - before sun- rise every morning unless her fa- ther happens to be head of the Boone County Trapshooters As- sociation. Dancing Only the hicks from the sticks, and wild extroverts dance on the table. Protocol demands that you keep at least one foot on the floor at all times. Strictly Confidential: Accord- ing to sorority house rules, "girls may dance together only if boys are not present." Don't forget to report all violations of this to the Housemother. She'll love you for it. Fines In Columbia the police are hot as pistols. If you have a tell-tale student sticker, you may get to know the judge real well before your four years are up. The big- gest thing is something known as a faulty muffler. The only way to beat this rap is to trade in your car for a mule, and even then you'd better gag him. Guns At all university - approved functions guns must be checked at the door. This is to avoid a repetition of last year's incident when three Aggies had too much cider and shot the bangs off the Barnwarmin' Queen. The only le- galized shooting in Columbia is at the Den and the Stable where the bear will do it for a nickel. Inside Stufff: When that bear stops to see who did it, keep shooting, cause the damn fool hasn't got enough sense to take off. Limousines Anyone with a good reputation can rent a good limousine for an evening of carousing about the Great White Way. Just leave your date as collateral and drive off free as a bird. If this seems too cold-hearted, get to know some Beta real well, and buy him a beer. One will be enough. If it takes two, forget it - he's no Beta. Marriage If you have to, and sometimes you do, there's a J. P. on the cor- ner of Conley and Rollins, who won't ask any questions. Leaving town is the easier way out, though. The Wabash Railroad has a train leaving Columbia at 2 o'- clock every November and April 23. Midwest Manners If you're asked to play bridge, don't EVER say "I don't know how." If you do you will be clas- sified as an illiterate, or worse yet, as an independent. The thing to do is simply say, "Sorry, I'm not in the moooood." Then they'll coax you, and you're in, man, you're in! Don't stir your coffee with your thumb. In Columbia, the middle finger is prescribed for coffee stirring. If you don't have one with you, your car keys will do just as well. Should you tread on a girl's toes while dancing, don't apolo- gize. Just glare at her and say, "Pretty big feet, haven't you?" This will make her look up to you as the cave man type. (Continued on page 26) 7 ON THE TOWN Swami Gives You The Straight Poop on the Nightlife Route Tiger Club. Featuring the cool music of Ray Anthony and Pee Wee Hunt, the Club's specialty is pheasant under glass. Here Magda Lupescu, Holly- wood Starlet, has a wild, gay time with Harley Davidson, President of the W. C. T. U. NIGHT LIFE Night life in Columbia is varied to suit all tastes. Be you a rabid culture gulper, or a low brow in- terested only in biological may- hem, you will be sure to find yourself among friends. For the sportsman, the town's greatest entertainments are bowl- ing and the cinema. You are sure to find memorable experiences in any one of the many movie houses or alleys here. Especially the al- leys. If you like your culture in heavy doses, you won't want to miss the theatre. There are sev- eral houses offering the best in plays by real live Columbia Ac- tors. (These actors are not to be confused with another kind of Boone County Ham). The most popular Columbia night life consists of a movie with 8 the inevitable soda and intriguing conversation following. The local colleges are extremely helpful in this respect as they have estab- lished places that not only have cokes, but a cleared space for dancing. The university has the brand spanking new Student Un- ion, and for those who like a not- too-quiet time of just meeting and socializing, the University Li- brary. (More about these later). Stephens is right in there with a something or other called the Lodge Hall. Here one not only finds sodie pop and a very color- ful juke box, but also ping pong. Affairs there are not only enjoy- able, but they fill a sentimental soul with nostalgia. Many find them reminiscent of bygone Jr. High days with their PTA Dances. The University, however, has bounced back and gone one bet- ter. Once every week in the spring will find the band giving free concerts on Francis Quad- rangle. WHERE TO FIND 'EM. Of course, after you have de- cided upon the entertainment and the place of same, comes the age- old question of where to find a companion to share your joyous adventures. If you are a male, probably the easiest and most log- ical plan is to call a social chair- man of one of the University's or- ganized houses, or a Stephens Dormitory. Just tell her what age, height, and other qualifications you require and she will have you call her back at a set time. INSIDE STUFF: A description such as: "She has thirty-two teeth, and makes all her clothes" isn't to be considered a top recommendation. If it is fol- lowed by: "She plays a real peachy game of ping-pong, and all the girls like her," - forget the whole thing in a hurry. WHERE TO TAKE HER That's the general picture of Columbia's Night Life, and a date. The next step is where to take the gal for an unforgettable evening. The first and hottest of the hot spots is undoubtedly the Student Union. There is jiving and jump- ing every weekend with coffee and dance music in the Snack Bar, and dances until twelve o'- clock in the two ballrooms. INSIDE STUFF: The Union is probably the most broad minded school - sponsored place of its type in the nation. The University has not only permitted, but has sanctioned beds conveni- ently placed throughout the two ballrooms. (What this town needs is more epidemics.) The Snow Boat: Here the visitor will find Co- lumbia at its best. Strictly BYOL, the Snowboat has set-ups, beer, dining and dancing. If you just go out to listen, you will find music to fit your taste from Red Foley to Roy Acuff. The Snow Boat boasts the loudest juke box in Boone County. The place also has a spacious dance floor which will hold over three hundred couples, piggy-back. The Kitty Klub: If you want first class enter- tainment with your suds and spuds, this is it. The Kitty has no planned floor show, but, then, none is needed. Any evening will find at least one self styled fun- ny man who is only too happy to entertain all of the patrons. That's not all. Also for the custo- mer's enjoyment, the Kitty has two pinball machines, one bowl- ing game, and one shoot-the-bear game, also a bandstand. The Lean-To: Located just off campus, the Lean-To is Columbia's greatest for legend and the anticipated at- mosphere of college culture. This is where to bring that queen of your dreams for quiet conversa- tion and soothing cocktail music. The color scheme is well planned in soft pastels and gentle murals. Soft indirect lighting adds to its toned down motif. No stay in Co- lumbia is complete until you've lounged in the comfort of this campus oasis. Of special note is the Lean-To's imported handcarv- ed woodwork and furniture. (Continued on page 19) Highlighting Braunschweiger a la Guillermo on the menu, the Shack provides dancing nightly tb the strains of Paul Whiteman and his Royal Armenians. Here are Hamlet and Ophelia in for a ripping spree of table hopping. The Showboat has glass portholes, a crows nest, and a rudder in the middle of the salty dance floor. Broiled Maine Lobster, and Lobster Newburg are the tips for eating. Arthur Godfrey and Alice Blue- gown are having a hilarious time. Mickey Jelke and friend dine in the Stable. With Rembrandt's and Grandma Moses' paintings lining the paneled walls, the Stable is on the American Plan and is not especially recommended by Dun- can Hines. Mickey has just been asked how he beat the rap. 9 For those who wish to take their pleasure elsewhere, there's always . . Mizzou Reviewed When the Grand Theatre closed, these Burlycue cuties emigrated to Co- lumbia to display their wares. This intellectual giant completed grade school, high school, and re- ceived an A.B. from the univer- sity. After his M.A. and Ph.D., he was offered this job. What price glory? A system of physical torture that is much in vogue in Columbia. Refined term: Examination. 10 SHOWME Exposes: A form of segre- gation practiced at the university. It is a bid by the administration to main- tain white supremacy. These are the columns that made Mizzou notorious. The picture was taken at 7 A.M., so the usual drunks have not assembled for coffee hour. Behind these guarded portals the Dean watches the campus on his radar screen. His office sponsors the posters seen all over the campus - "Big Brother is Watching You." Stephens College is easier to get into than out of. There are many ways of getting around everything - even the afternoon nap. TIP: Grab the tree first. Inside a fraternity house meeting. The one with the cane is the president. His strong arm squad is turning thumbs down on a proposal to take out the bar. "I Was The Prisoner" by Warren Murray It all started the day I was called into a meeting of the Com- mittee on Student Harrassings. It seems that the Committee had the word from one of its stool pigeons that a local fraternity was build- ing a concealed bar. Somewhere among all of the underground connections a wire had been crossed, and it was believed that I had knowledge of this unlawful construction. So, despite my in- nocence, I was jabbed by a fin- ger attached to that long arm of the law. Nothing of importance hap- pened at the hearing. I proclaimed loud and strong my lack of knowl- edge of any type bar eycept can- dy bars, and was released for lack of evidence. thinking the matter closed, I immediately returned to the normal college existence of jellying and reading Micky Spil- lane. Little did I know that the committee still suspected me and was determined to grind testi- mony from me at any cost. It was three days after the hearing that I was the victim of a very realistic "accident". While mounting steps of Jessup Hall, a huge brogan descended upon my foot with a sickening snap, crackle and crunch which could only be the pulverization of bone and car- tilage. While my mind sought for adjectives to heap upon the head of some oafish offspring of canine, I look upward. I looked into a gimletted stare, underneath which fat cruel lips spat out, "Why don- cha watch'er yer goin' ". A rage boiled inside of me until I no- ticed a bit of gold coloring on the black jacket. Instantly I was groveling on my knees, bowing to the East, licking the huge brogan, and begging merciful forgiveness for impeding the progress of this 12 handsome god. You can under- stand my bitterness when I later learned that the ghoul was a hired thug, and that his letter jacket was not genuine. I dragged myself to the clinic. A f t e r lengthy interrogation concerning my address, the num- ber of hours which I carried, my Father's occupation and other in- formation pertinent to the injury, I was taken to the x-ray room. None of the pictures turned out particularly well, but I ordered one of each view for courtesy's sake. When I was put to bed at the clinic everything seemed com- pletely normal. My foot was dressed, and the bed felt ade- quate. My first complaint was due to the little white jacket which twisted, crawled, and binded, making any tried position diffi- cult to endure. It's admittable that this seems a trivial thing, but after a few long weeks those jac- kets themselves became an un- bearable horror. The first day passed unevent- fully until the light were turned out, and I thankfully prepared for a good night's sleep. As soon as I had dozed, someone began washing utensils in the lab in the next room. I learned later that the person creating the din was a frustrated percussionist former- ly employed by Spike Jones. It seems the person derived great pleasure from playing a form of handball, which consisted of serv- ing pots, and pans against the (Continued on page 32) Abercrombie'll keep the car ready so's we can scram out wit tne cash . Wanted If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of these menaces to society, please contact your F.B.I. or the local SHOWME Obliteration Squad. THE PROFESSIONAL ILLETERATE Loves to tell his exact remarks to his English I prof after flunking for fourth consecutive time. Literature is either "sexy as hell" or "boring as hell." Col- lege is a "complete crock", but where else can he be supported in the manner to which he is accustomed. "'Work?" Are you kidding? THE NICKEL ROMEO Makes passionate love to un- known females after studying Fraternity-Srority Directory for likely prospects. The telephone's answer to Caesar Romero is us- ually followed by irate fellow "Romeos" heckling for their chance at the Love Box. THE "IF-YOU-COAX-ME, I'LL-GO-OUT. WITH-YOU-YOU LUCKY THING" GIRL She's doing you a favor every time she condescends to spend your money. She doesn't date boys: she dates clubs. She's insulted if you call her up less than a week in advance. Don't cross her, or "you'll never have another date in this house again." THE CLASSROOM DILLETANTE All classes are dramas, and he is Brooks Atkinson. Always arrives ten minutes late, and then pro- fusely apologizes for crunching your toes getting to his seat. Takes two or three lines of notes. A good audience participator - he claps, whistles, and guffaws at teachers' punch lines. Cries "Author!" after every production. THE PEACHY PAL Everybody loves Peachy, and Pea- chy loves everybody. On dates, she's buddy-buddy with everyone but her date. Let man, woman, child, or dog become sick, drunk, unhappy, or bored, and Peachy is a self made "angel of mercy", de- serting her date, and devoting her whole-hearted efforts to the com- fort of the dissipate. All the Way Home by Gene Koppel "Forty minutes to Ainsley! Forty minutes to Ainsley!" The corners of Marianne's mouth turned down a little more as the conductor walked by. She turned towards the window, part- ly because she was tired of star- ing at the gleaming bald head of the man in front of her, but even more because of the fear that someone might be watching when the tears she had been blinking back got their timing right and flowed out between blinks. Edgar would be waiting for her at the station. She had sent her mother a wire telling what time the train would be in, and Mari- anne hadn't the least doubt that the momentous news would be relayed immediately to Edgar. "Wonderful seeing you again!" he would say when she stepped off the train. He would mean it, 14 too. That was one of the things she disliked most in Edgar: he was completely sincere. Marianne could discern double meanings in the things other men told her, even have the pleasure of trap- ping them in lies once in a while - but not Edgar. Then he would remark, "I ex- pect you to feel bad for a time about not making a go of it on Broadway. But you'll forget. I in- tend to be quite a help in that department, you know!" Forget Broadway! Strings of despair tightened in Marianne's stomach. Memories of an opening night; the thrilling, invisible waves of communication that pass between an actress and her audi- ence; the wild exultation that comes after the performance when she knows she has "clicked," that when she walks into places like Toot Shor's or Lindy's, strangers will smile ador- ingly at her and ask for auto- graphs - these things are never forgotten. And that was the only reason Marianne felt lucky. The memories she had to erase were of cheap apartments, crowded agents' offices and bit parts in "turkey". "Twenty minutes to Ainsley!" She forgot to blink and the tears took advantage of their op- portunity. Hearing sobs, the man in the seat in front of her looked back and asked, "Anything I can do?" "Fall off a cliff!" she gasped. The bald head turned indig- nantly around and disappeared beneath the top of the chair. She smiled, thinking of what Edgar would say if he were there. Then she thought about their inevitable marriage, and the prospect of spending the rest of her life as an Oklahoma housewife. Even when she was a little girl, Marianne had never seen how anything other than an oilwell could be happy in Oklahoma. "Perhaps I can put my dra- matic training to good use," she thought dryly, "and pretend for the rest of my life that I'm a pool of oil and Edgar is a derrick. It can't be much harder than acting like a ripening tomato, or a grapefruit about to be cut in half." The landscape began to grow familiar. Through a film of tears Marianne recognized a water tow- er where she and Edgar had walked to once, years before, on a hot afternoon. She had climbed up alone on the girders, leaving him far below, and, gazing dreamily over the flat, dry fields, had become- "Elaine the fair, Elaine the lovable. Elain the lily maid of Asto- lot, High in her chamber up a tower to the East Guarded the sacred shield of Lancelot . . . " The fact that she actually had imagined Edgar as Lancelot had been proof to her of her great dramatic prowess. The train began loosing speed, and Marianne became conscious of drying tears and crumbling pancake make-up. "Must freshen up," she whis- pered to herself, rising and tak- ing her overnight case off the baggage rack. As she stepped into the aisle, Marianne noticed two young men staring at her from the other end of the car. She pulled back her shoulders and, as much as the rocking of the train allowed, walked regally and con- temptuously towards the door marked "Ladies' Powder Room". "Mary, Queen of Scots," she thought, "must have walked like this on her way to the headsman." "Boy! What a build!" one of the young men exclaimed, misinter- preting her movements. After the kleenex and cold cream had removed everything but her skin and features, Mari- anne gazed at herself for a few moments in the mirror. Expres. sive green eyes, an even nose, full, warm lips, wavy brown hair framing them - all these had failed to stir up the faintest en- thusiasm in the men that decided who went behind the footlights and before the cameras. She would have to content herself with stirring up enthusiasm in Edgar. Marianne reached into the ov- ernight case for her make-up kit, and then stopped. "No more cocktail lounges," she thought. "No more auditions. Why go to all the trouble of looking like New York when I'll never see it again? Outside the conductor shouted, "Ainsley! We're coming to Ains- ley!" * * Max Lawrence cursed the train seven times. That was the number of cars he wandered through without finding the diner. Then he stepped into a new one and, when the train lurched to a sud- den stop, fell against a young wo- man, and almost knocked her down. "Sorry," he said. She was more eloquent. Not a man to be wrongfully abused - not on an empty sto- mach, anyway - Max Lawrence began to explode with, "Now lis- ten here, lady! If that lousy en- gineer . . . But what came out was, "Didn't you try out for me last week?" "Why, Mr. Lawrence! Yes, yes, I did. You didn't think much of me, did you?" (Continued on page 25) THE RAGS Showme investigates the machines be- hind the men behind the machines that play with the printed word. Dr. Trimble has just walked into the STUDENT office and is pointing the finger at three cringing editorial writers. They are scared, but they will rake more muck next week. Above: This is the first check ever seen in the Savitar office. Koenonn's Harem reaches for back pay. Below: SHOWME'S red-blooded Youth reads the latest adventure of Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy. They will revise it. It will be dirty. The Stewed Ant The student newspaper, The Stewed Ant, is controlled by a big international syndicate which runs other such yellow tabloid sheets all over the world. It is under the local control of a branch of the syndicate known only by the mysterious initials SGA. This SGA Pravda has long been congratulated on having a strange knack of uncovering all the unsavory and disgusting fea- tures of the own and campus. And there are some. The Ant rakes in more than 10 million dollars a year from ad- vertising. Businessmen who don't buy ads are beaten to pulps and their stores are bombed. If this doesn't work, then the pulps are beaten to pulps. The Blue Streak Gazette Not far behind the Ant in yel- low journalism is The Blue Streak Gazette, another Colum- bia sheet laughingly known as a newspaper. Long considered a school for budding tabloid journalists, the Gazette has sent its graduates to some of the worst newspapers in the world. The executive training given to prospective editors help grads get lowly jobs on the outside. Last year's editor recently be- came vice-president in charge of (parentheses) on Time magazine. Another has become third assis- tant Democrat damner on the Chicago Trib. For its size the Gazette has the largest staff in the world. Some- times six or seven of these wiz- ened, unpaid wretches and a slobby photographer are sent out to cover a single event. Mistakes in the Gazette are le- gion. A recent survey over a six- month period showed that only one out of every 25 names was spelled correctly. And this one was Sappington. The Daily Glut The Daily Glut is Columbia's largest paper and the only one not run by students. But that doesn't make it any better. Students are hated by Glut members. There is a notice on the copy desk which orders any editor "If a story is about a stu- dent, insult him, his morality and his parentage as much as pos- sible." Feature Undoubtedly the two most cul- tural magazines on campus were Feature. Miscellany The University publishes a huge number of official bulletins and announcements. Only freshmen read them. Snowme In the opinions of those who bother to read it, Snowme is con- sidered a serious, arty magazine which deals with such subjects as Free Will and the Destiny of Mankind. Snowme is not run by the mys- terious SGA. It is run by a group of opium-eaters. - Julin THE END * * "I thought I saw you taking a gentleman up to your room last night, Miss Smith." "Yeah, that's what I thought, too." TIGER LAUNDRY & DRY CLEANING CO. Barth's Clothing Co., Inc. H.R. Mueller Florist Glossary of underworld terms BOOKIE - one who makes books and makes a profit doing it. Professors are bookies. HEIST - a stick up; a robbery; term used at all local bookstores. FENCE - a man who buys stolen goods to resell at a profit. Influx into town immediately after Panty Raid. MOLL - a mobster's femme; she usually goes along for the ride. Also known as a coed. MAINLINER - dope that hits hard and fast; slang term - Glukestite. RAP - what you take when you get caught; dished out by Police Department, Committee on Student Conduct, and Dean Matthews: also called Double Jeopardy; T. S. GETAWAY - fast exit, usually made when house- mother unexpectedly shines flashlight in car window. STOOL PIGEON - one who sings for a price; ap- prentice as Stephens Senior Sisters. FIX - shaving scores on basketball games - or - more commonly - when one is caught by the bulls with a faulty muffler and doesn't have to pay. "ON THE TOWN" (Continued from page 9) NITE-TIME MANNERS When you do go out in Colum- bia, you will want complete knowledge of the local savoir- faire. Here are some hints for the more common situations: Girls, be very careful with those college-acquired cigs. Your date won't appreciate being burned. Fellow, don't be so damned im- patient, give her time for a smoke. If she does burn you, take the hint and concentrate your efforts elsewhere. * If your date excuses herself to go to the powder room, it's con- sidered polite to give her a nickle for entrance fees. * If no stirrer is included with your set-up, ask your fellow of the hour to get one from the wait- er. Show your sophistication, hon- ey, don't use your finger. * Men, in Columbia it is ac- ceptable form to carry a haver- sack on dates for the gals' purses, lipsticks, compacts and combs. This is economy wise as it pre- vents the items from bursting your pocket seams. * Don't be discouraged if the evenings progress isn't up to ex- pectations on the first date. Re- member there's no man shortage in Columbia and she knows it. * Girls, be neat. Lipstick on collars and lapels is unsightly and expensive to remove. It can also be embarrassing for the guy if he has a late date with a town girl. If he doesn't have a late date, he'll wear it like a badge of hon- or when he returns to the frat house. * If you are taking courses in and around the Ag Barns, take extra care to clean your shoes be- fore calling for your date. INSIDE STUFF: Contrary to some popular opin- ions, high button shoes are no longer vogue here. (Continued on page 27) Woolf Brothers Breisch's MIZZOU EXPOSED THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT THE CAMPUS The Novus Shop Missouri Showme This is the Dead Land Today and every day out in the farmlands of Missouri where the hills are gently rolling and the green grass grows all around, all around, there is Evil. It is an Evil so big and so loathesome that I, your unselfish, hardworking, mul- ti-millionaire reporter have cho- sen it for one of my 52 red hot death knells of the nation to be presented this year. To the casual observer as he passes through Columbia, Mo., on the broad ribbon of concrete that connects our midwest Gothams, the town looks like any sleepy lit- tle farm town. It looks like a place where people enjoy fried chicken and strawberry short- cake, and corncob pipes are passed down from father to son. There's a college in the town, a sprawling state university where coeds look young and crisp on spring mornings and profes- sors furrow their brows properly over a smooth grained briar. It's the kind of college where good American kids go, yours and mine. Bells ring and ivy clambers slowly over the facade. Let me tell you what they do. to those poor dear sweet children who trustingly entrust four years of their lives to Columbia, Mo. You enter Columbia through tor- tured, narrow streets lined with rough hewn flint chips. In three shakes of a tapir's tail you've passed through the neon lighted elegance of Gay Broadway to the seething student quarter, or south bank. There's not a decent tailor in town, not one. Batwing collars, Iverness capes, even gold watch- fobs are considered conspicuous, if you can imagine such a thing. Natives seem to equally favor dirty white shoes and a strange orangish kind of footwear. Shirt- ings and trouserings of any de- cent sort are completely unavail- able except in a horrible ready made kind of way. The wearing of a necktie is the great scream- ing height of sophistication. As for the food served in Co- lumbia restaurants. Mon Dieu! The crepe suzettes taste like crackers warmed on a radiator. The salads taste worse than the fertilizers that grew them. To cows, horrible things are done that bring their souls back from the slaughter house to haunt and moo about in one's stomach. One cannot tell the grease from the steak and one does not want to try. From all this barbarism a man should be able to escape tempora- rily in some cool bistro where the wonderful kiss of sun on grape has been lovingly bottled. But not one distinguished saloon graces (Continued on next page) THIS IS THE DEAD LAND (Continued from page 22) Columbia. Beer flows in a great sopping pool to a horde of indis- criminate guzzlers. To ask for some really excellent service is to invite a fistfight, that is if one is not already engaged by a fellow patron. All this is done in the name of temperance. Out, out, vile nightspots. Into this desert, into this cir- rhosis of life, tender children of the college years are expected to mature. At just the age when they should be learning the beauties of Napoleon brandy and artists' models they are subjected to dime beer and girls' schools. On top of these indignities is heaped the further injury of having to at- tend classes, actually more or less attend them. No time out is al- lowed for a man to be alone with his hangover. It is the end of civilization. It is the end of spats. It is even the end of lorgnettes. It is the end. -Erwin Do you ever put on rayon scan- ties When they crackle electric chan- ties? Don't worry, my dear, The reason is clear You simply have amps in your panties. * * Modern proverb: Never run after a woman or a streetcar. There will be another along in a min- u t e. Those after midnight, though fewer, go faster. WAER'S CROSSROADS LIQUORS LIONBERGER'S TRAILER RENTAL SERVICE DOLL of the month Peggy McQueen Moll Local 307 . Luciano for President . .Chain Smokers' Relay . . . Callow Youth Movement . . . F.B.I. Blacklist . . . Humphrey Bogart Fan Club . . . 21 . . . Elsinore, Denmark. HOOD of the month Neil Thomas Murder Incorporated . . . Shelton Gang . . . Black Hoods of America . . .Beer Baron of Chicago . .Capone Honorary . . . Persona Non Grata . . . Aggie Hater . . Sing Sing Alum . . . omecoming Committee for Baby Face Nelson . . 47 . Algoa, Mo. 24 "ALL THE WAY HOME" (Continued from page 15) "I didn't think much of any- one I saw. Horrible day." She managed to smile. "Well. it's been nice seeing you again." He reached out and caught her arm. "Wait a minute, Miss-ah!" "Shaw. Marianne Shaw." "You were good, as I remem- ber, Miss Shaw. It's just that I couldn't imagine you in the role of a country girl trying to crash Broadway. You looked like, well, like a chorine." "And now?" "Now you look like a country girl - the way Hollywood wants a country girl to look, that is. Quite a few "have it," but it's got to look natural before they're worth a gamble!" The conductor shouted at her, "Better hurry ma'am! We're leav- in' now!" The train had gone. Confused, Edgar walked back into the small terminal. Then he saw a shock of brunette hair bowed over a bottle of pop at the refreshment coun- ter. "Darling!" he exclaimed. "It's wonderful seeing you again!" The girl turned around. "I beg your pardon!" she said. The End Ballot keeper: What'll I do with this ballot box? Ward boss: Stuff, it! '"Kiss me, darling." "Now?" "Well, if you're going to dicker, forget it." WARNING (TO THE GIRLS) If, after the first kiss, he tells you what brand of lipstick you use, better be careful, he might not be sincere about your rela- tionship. THE STEIN CLUB Julie's L. G. BALFOUR CO. TWA "THE LOW DOWN" (Continued from page 7) In Columbia movie houses ev- eryone shares his popcorn. Feel free to reach into anyone's bag for a handful. Our only caution is: Don't reach over anyone's shoulder, he may get rattled and bite you. Money There are always ways of mak- ing a little fast change. For prac- tically every type of work the University pays 55 cents an hour and they throw in a coolie hat with MU embroidered on the front. For those who prefer the underworld methods, you can al- ways blackmail your instructors, threatening them with exposing them to the Gung Ho Loyalty Boys of the McCarthy and Mc- Carran type. Then, too, Susies will always pay for an escort. Taxis The Yellow Slab Company has excursion specials (you'll have to share the back seat with eight others) to the Bambi Club for only 30 cents a head. If you haven't got one, you will by the return trip. Tipping Unless you like being referred to as an oddball remember: No- body, we mean nobody, tips in Columbia. If you feel obligated to do so, however, there's a hot one going in the fifth at Jamaica. Warfare If you feel the need for exer- cise while in town, there is a group of professional marchers who will be glad of your com- pany on frosty winter mornings. Inside Stuff: The boss man is a Colonel, but if you preface all remarks w i t h Generalissimo, your Majesty, you will be in like Flynn. Flynn is in Korea. -Gold THE END "ON THE TOWN" (Continued from page 19) INSIDE STUFF: HOW TO BEAT THE BLACKLIST: If intending to drink with a Su- sie, pick a name from the Student Directory under which to register. (If the receptionist knows you, forget it and try C. C. or, better still, plan a quiet evening of bil- liards.) In case you should happen to shoot craps with the social chair- men, don't be dismayed, for there are still several possibilities. The best bet is the Student Union. Lots of unescorted girls go there for coffee or just to jelly away their spare time. If you happen to be bashful about meeting a girl, that need be of no worry at the Union. Just take a deck of cards, trot right up to any three femmes, and start dealing bridge. You've already introduced yourself. If you have an afternoon at your disposal and are the type that likes to shop before comitt- ment, better try Broadway. (Inci- dently the street wasn't named ac- cidentally). Just calmly stroll East on this avenue toward one of the more popular ice cream hot spots and you're sure to find the doll of your dreams. This district has the latest in milk bars and soda fountains, with the best of all be- ing the Middle Milk Barn. (No haphazard naming here, either). Name your type mister, this place has 'em. Whether you like her gabby and dumb, or quiet and dumb, you're sure to find her here. INSIDE STUFF: It has long been believed that these milk bars were fronts for cartels dealing in shanghaiing, but continuous investigation has failed to uncover anything positive. In and around the Middle Milk Barn can always be found pleas- antly ample supplies of unescorted females, or unescorted supplies of amply pleasant females, or sup- plies of pleasantly unescorted am- ple females. Whichever way you like 'em best. No sweat here either if you are shy about making a pickup. There will be plenty of fellows from whom to copy tech- nique. INSIDE STUFF: To attract her attention, a long loud HOOOOEEEE has replaced the long low whistle in Columbia. The last, but by no means least, resort, and a suggestion for those lonely hearts, the poor lads who come up without a date on the night itself. Here too the problem can be solved even at the last min- ute. The place is the University Library. As you may guess, infil- tration into such a place of cul- ture and learning requires deli- cate planning and manipulation. First the planning stage. You will of course disguise yourself as not only a student, but a scholar. Bor- row two or three heavy, impres- sive books, one pair of horn rim- med glasses, and if possible, a slide rule. (Slide rules are being worn low on the left, and drawn across with the right this year). Upon entering the library, find a chair on the center aisle and start work on the book studiously. Re- member, this is the culture spot, and here one must play a waiting game. Standard procedure is to watch the book until the close swishing of skirts is heard. Cau- tiously, the eyes are raised from the book for appraisal of the en- during young charms. After she has passed your table the third time, act quietly but surely. Walk out into the hall for a drink and a smoke, and wait at the fountain, she will follow you. Scme of the more shy things will huddle together on the stairs. In cases of this sort, you need a buddy (to help pass the time, for you may have a long wait,) a cartcn of smokes, and a large sup- ply of matches. Calmly play your waiting game near the group until the gals run out of cigarettes. When they bum one from you, you're on your own. WARREN MURRAY She: Who said you could kiss me? He: Everybody. nEUKomm's Either that bitch goes, or I do. Lafter Thoughts In Hungary a commisar asked a peasant how the new potato crop production plan was com- ing. "Under our glorious leader, Stalin," answered the peasant, "our potato crop has been mi- raculous! If we were to put all the potatoes in a pile they would make a mountain reaching to the feet of God!" "But you know there isn't any God!" said the commissar. "There aren't any potatoes either," replied the peasant. * * * A man rode side saddle into a tavern and ordered a whiskey sour for his pony. The barkeep brought the order and the horse drank it down. The man ordered another, which the horse drank; and then a third and a fourth. The astonished tap tender man- aged to ask, "Wouldn't you like something for yourself?" "No thanks," came the reply, I'm driving." * ** "Mr. Jones, I'm afraid your son is spoiled." "I beg your pardon, Mr. Smith. I digagree with you." "Well, have it your way, but come and see what the steam roller just did to him." 28 Mechanic: Lady, I've found the trouble with your car. You've got a short circuit in the wiring. Lady: Well, for goodness sake, lengthen it! "Young man, does your mother know you're smoking?" "Madam, does your husband know you speak to strange men on the street?" * ** Moe: I saw a very unusual French movie. Joe: What do you mean, unusu- al? Moe: The boy and girl were mar- ried. When a girl sneezes it's a sign she's catching cold; when she yawns it's a sign she's gotten cold. The only fishing through ice some people do is for olives! I've got a feeling deep in my dia- phragm That says to me, "What a lucky guy I am! Just this morning I got the hot poop; We've a girl in our boy scout troop." You know Dodo, he'll believe anything. Swami Snorts Daffynitions Dutch Ex-Lax - "Little Dutch Cleanser." Mistress - A cutie on the q. t. Week-end - When you go home and tell 'em how hard you're working. Tomahawk - What if you go to sleep suddenly and wake with- out hair there is an Indian with. Matrimony - An instituiton of learning in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and his wife acquires a master's. Late to bed Early to rise, Makes a man baggy Under the eyes. Tiny Daughter: Mama, what are men? Mother: Men are what women marry. T. D.: We don't get much choice, do we? Drunk: Ho. Lady, you got two ver' beaut'ful legs. Girl (snapping): And how would you know? Drunk (brightly): I counted 'em. Two Fakirs found a bag of nails - so they started a pillow fight. Life Savers "Pony, hell!" Well, he always said he was going on the wagon. Stuff Boy that was a close one, eh Bob? Oh, he isn't really ill . he just came in during the flu epidemic and started a continued story. "PORTRAIT OF A GRADER" To a new student, entering a University classroom for the first time, everything appears normal. The professor is elderly, the stu- dents are bored and the room is dingy. However, the distinguish- ing factor in a University class- room is the lordly being who sits at one side of the room, a pencil in hand, attendance chart under his arm, and a blank stare on his face. This is a grader. The University of Missouri has more graders than any other school in the United States. M. U. graders eat better, sleep better, and dress better than other col- lege's graders. All University graders are married. They can afford to be! The graders drive Buick automobiles; their wives have mink coats and deep freezes; their kids have electric trains and ponies. The graders have expensive hobbies like play- ing the horses at Stephens Sta- bles, attending Christian College Music concerts, being initiated into honorary frats, and accept- ing dinner invitations to various Houses. In ordinary life, the grader is another human being (using the term loosely) but in college life, the grader is the KING of all students, the friend of the fail- ing, and advisor to a supreme be- ing, the professor. The grader's weapon is his pencil, which can bring exultation or destruction to any and all He is recognizable by conservative suits, flashy ties, and bulging pockets. Graders come in assorted sizes, shapes and weights. However, cultivate these men as friends. Digging deep into the life of a grader is shocking and difficult. It is hard to realize that persons you once knew as friends have turned against you for the price of a new car, a crisp bill or a diamond ring. Fraternity bro- thers whose friendship you felt could never be broken become as distant as "Uncle Joe" and you speak to them only to find your- self ignored. Most prominent among the gra- ders are graduate students. These are usually more authoritative on the subject of final grades, and if the question arises of whether you had three or 13 absences in a class, their answers will be ac- cepted. Of course those students earn- ing "an extra dollar" are to be considered, too - as graders - for it is their pencil which marks in red the answers you have missed. Case history files reveal that Missouri U. can be proud of the record of helping more than three thousand such "Part-time" graders put themselves through school, financially unassisted by outsiders. Total assets of the Uni- versity were not available for in- spection, but estimates run up- wards of three billion dollars, counting only the salaries and contributions of interested par- ties of the University - not per- sonal gifts. The easiest way to make con- tact with a grader is to start at the bottom of the organization. "E" students are usually likely subjects to have contact with a grader. Don't act excited at meeting a contact or even a grader. Offer (Continued on page 34) 31 "I WAS A PRISONER" (Continued from page 12) wall. No sooner would one inter- ruption of sleep end, than a new one would begin. For instance: when the lab quieted, I again dozed only to be awakened by having an evil tasting thermome- ter shoved roughly into my oral cavity. At that point I gave up all hopes of sleep and listened to the night workers clatter up and down the hall playing tag. This too may seem harmless, but the fact that they were all wearing wooden shoes contributed to a rather bothersome racket. It shouldn't take much imagina- tion to realize that after a few sleepless weeks accompanied by a not quite sufficient diet of wat- ery tea and plain crackers that I began to weaken. It was at this stage of the ordeal that Little Henrietta came into my life. Mov- ing quietly as a shadow she slipped into my room when the nightly game of tag was at the distant end of the hall. Too weak to be startled, I only stared at this wisp of a person.* Placing her hand over my mouth lest I give her away, Henrietta whis- pered. "I am a friend. I have brought you food." Food, - I had never dreamed that brown rice and egg plant leaves could taste so good! Henrietta worked in the hos- pital kitchen, and was a member of the Free Student's Under- ground Organization. It was from her that I heard the increditable scheme and the real reason for my visit to the clinic. She told me that the Commit- tee on Student Harrasisngs had arranged for my "accident" so that I would be placed in the clinic. It was here that I was to have my spirit broken until I would divulge .the information they believed me to be withhold- ing. Little Henrietta told me no- thing would be done to me that would be easily recognized as torture. Their plan was to weaken and antagonize by subtle methods until I no longer had any resis- tance to confession. 32 Henrieta's story makes a lot of things clearer. I was able to understand the formerly pe- culiar behavior of many of the hospital staff. One nurse in par- ticular could be very perplexing by caressing my posterior. Now this of course does not seem tor- turesome, but as soon as I would start to enjoy it, she would ruin the whole effect by stabbing the same spot with a huge wicked needle. - That was frustrating, and naturally devastating to my male ego in its weakened condi- tion. I learned from Little Henriet- ta that, aside from being frustrat- ing, the little game had another purpose. It was actually a test to see how far I had progressed un- der the treatment being given. When I would no longer respond to the caresses, I was to be con- sidered "conditioned". Other happenings also had ba- sis. One thing I had never under- stood was why a pretty lab tech- nician would apepar every hour, and on the pretext of holding my hand, would extract from my arm a small quantiy of blood. Believ- ing that twenty-four blood tests per day for three weeks were more than sufficient, I asked Henrietta about it. She told me that the blood was collected ac- cording to type, dehydrated, and the plasma sold on the black mar- ket. Proceeds from these opera- tions were thought to go to the Committee on Student Harras- sings to finance their subversive activities. Despite all of these fiendish at- tempts to break my spirit, I al- ways refused to sign the typed "confession" which was placed before me each day. I even with- stood the worst they had to of- fer. The most terrifying of all from their bag of tricks was as fol- lows: After several sleeples days and nights, I would be allowed finally to go to sleep. The bed would be freshly made, and I would pass into a deep inhuman coma. Imagine the shock of hav- ing a nurse awaken you by giv- ing her rendition of Cyrano, with a hypodermic needle re- sembling a pneumatic hammer. It was terrifying to the end. (It should be of interest to the reader to know that the nurse who gave the shots is a former school champion-in aerial darts). Despite all the tender loving care, my foot healed and. I was ready to be dismissed. As there was no longer any excuse for being hospitalized, I was released quite normally. It was of course difficult at first to return to col- lege life, but the bilgewater cof- fee and jelly sessions have actu- ally been enjoyable since this more terrifying ordeal. Little Henrietta? She was dis- covered stealing from the kitchen a fish head and a handful of dried peas to give to another starving inmate. She was imme- diately black-listed by the ad- ministration. However, she slip- ped out of town under the cover of darkness, and now lives hap- pily attending an obscure liberal arts college. Meanwhile the Bastille of our campus goes about its normal business of treating and proces- sing its political prisoners who are marked and sentenced by the Committee on Student Harras- sings. THE END It's Every Coed's Dream It's Every Girl's Desire QUEEN Missouri Showme Look for the Queen candidates in the March issue of Showme and the list of prizes for the winner Mizzou's Show of Shows SAVITAR FROLICS FRIDAY, FEB. 27 - SATURDAY, FEB. 28 is the Date STEPHENS PLAY HOUSE is the Place 8:00 P. M. is the Time See the Show of the Year. Savitar Frolics '53 34 " THE GRADER" Continued from page 31) a pack of cigarettes or a cup of coffee as a friendly gesture, and remember - do not deduct this from income tax as entertain- ment due to business. Cash transactions, between any party concerned, should be in strictest confidence. Checks are easily traced, and should not be written. Usually after agreeing on terms, a blood test will be taken, along with a signed sworn state- ment that you are not and never have been a member of the Par- ty. Upon completing this portion of business, the average student is eligible to pass. Take great care, however, in choosing courses for the coming semester. Investigate the Uni. Register as to the idiosyncrasies of certain graders. Plan courses accordingly so that no semester's expenditure will run over $2,000. Any amount over this figure is likely to lead to a Senate investi- gation. And, the system may not survive any more investigations and investigators. The last one is now enrolled in Law School, and reports that it's costing him close to $5,000 to make the grade - but HE'S got connections! - Rudy Mountain girl: Doctah, ah cum to see y'll about my Granmaw. We gotta do somethin' about her smokin'. Doctor: Oh, now Elviry, don't worry about that. Lots of wo- men smoke. Elviry: Yeah, I know, but Gran- maw inhales. Doctor: I still wouldn't fret. Lots of women inhale. Elviry: Yeah, I know, but Grand- maw don't exhale. * * * Sweet young thing: Can you tat- too a cat on my knee? Tattooer: We're having a sale on giraffes this week. Would that be O. K.? filched "ME TARZAN-"YOU JANE" -voodoo . . . and now for a look at the weather." "I'll be with you as soon as I take my dog for a walk, girls." DUKE & DUCHESS" "Troelstrope, Trimble, Green, and Glue" - - or, "WHY SLAVE OVER A HOT DRAW- ING BOARD WHEN A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND A PASTE POT IS HANDY." "I don't care what the Romans did - we'll have no camp followersl" "I hope you didn't get all dressed up, Floyd." "Twick or tweet - babel" BRADSHAW FOR President of S.G.A. Few students have ever equal- led Bradshaw's record of ac- complishments in every phase of campus life - ACTIVITIES - SCHOLARSHIP-ATHLETICS. Tru- ly he is . . . No other campus political party has ever done as much through S.G.A. for the benefit of the student body as has the ALL CAMPUS TICKET. More than ever, A.C.T. is recognized as . . THE THE MAN PARTY FOR THE FOR THE JOB BUD BRADSHAW S.G.A. Elect ACT'S 19 Qualified Candidates For Students Council VICE-PRESIDENT SECRETARY TREASURER RONNIE PFOST MARTY BROWN BOB SCHOONMAKER Vote the All Campus Ticket 37 Swami Snorts Read where Hadacol lost its first case. A woman, ninety-eight, died - but they did save the baby. She: We're going to give the bride a shower. He: Count me in. I'll bring the soap. * * * The guy who raised all the cain at last night's party didn't do Adam thing today. Prof: Will you men stop ex- changing notes in the back of the room? Student: Them ain't notes, them's cards. We're playing bridge. "What did you say this morning, professor?" "Nothing." "Of course. But how did you ex- press it this time?" * * Visitor: Why does your Grand- ma just sit there and read the Bible all day? Little Jim: She's crammin' for the finals. "I don't care what you gave Mary - - - we ain't having no pinning ceremony" Inside S. G. A In one of our other muck-ra- king books we spoke of Chicago politics, but Columbia, and more particularly, the campus of the University of Missouri, leaves the Windy City panting for breath by the shore of Lake Michigan. There's a certain Black Hand society governing the stu- dents, known as S. G. A. We asked, nay begged, the leaders of this organization to tell us what these letters stood for, but they just grinned and said, "We'll never tell." So, until further re- search is complete, it will have to stand as S. G. A. At first glance, it seems to be a future training ground for Jen- ners and McCarthys, Harry Vaughns and Mayor Tweeds. This, we were assured, was not the case. Supposedly "The Voice of the Students," S. G. A. seems to be. suffering from a bad case of lar- yngitis. Our inside scoop is for an immediate tonsillectomy to re- move some of the malignant growths skulking about its oral cavity. Politics are a touchy subject in this den of Little Dixie, with two parties vying for supremacy and a $4,800 budget. Most of the cam- paigning seems to center about certain Greek (mentioned in the section on minority groups) houses, which are very interested in seeing that the campus have a strong S. G. A., that the stu- dents' welfare is looked out for, and, incidentally, what the house can get out of it. Logs are rolled, palms are greased, and a general aura of mud pervades the campus around election time. Meetings of the Student Coun- cil, upon close examination, re- veal a marked tendency toward the ancient tribal councils of the American Indians, portrayed by Ty Power and his redmen friends in "Pony Soldier". S. G. A. passes no peace pipe, but it is our stud- ied opinion that a lead pipe would be more effective. For the student who has to get a traffic ticket fixed, or a nega- tive hour abolished, or almost anything of importance done, bet- ter take your problem elsewhere, buddy. They can't help you. Swami Snorts "Say, sister, do you know why girls walk home?" "No, why?" "Never mind. Let's go for a ride." One piece, two piece, flour sack or Bikini, Tight fit, loose fit, large or teeny weeny, It makes no difference what they swim in, Lose their suits and . . . women is women. "Mother, remember what you told me about the shortest way to a man's heart?" "Yes, dear." "Well, last night I found a new route." Prof: Open your books to page 64. (Rustle of books all over the room.) Dunby, start read- ing at the top of the page. Dunby: Send five dollars, check or money order, for special al- bum of Fren photographs. How sweet the girl, How true, how brave, Who can kiss her man When he needs a shave. "Sonny, don't you know you shouldn't drag your little sister by the hair?" "Aw, that's alright, Mister, she's dead anyway." * * * Sounds of a struggle came from within the parked car. "Sir," said a female voice, "Where is your chivalry?" A pause. "I traded it in on dis Buick." The little girl who used to want an all-day sucker now just wants one for the evening. HOTEL GOVERNOR THE RATHSKELLER The Uptown Theatre Gibson's Apparel Central Dairy Contributors' Page BILL ROBERTS "Handsome, debonair, charm- ing, what more can I say about myself?" That was Bill Roberts' candid description of Bill Roberts, but we would like to add here that Bill is also famous for his sense of humor. He'd have to be to sell ads for Show-Me. Better known as Willy, Bill, eh we mean Willy, has become an ace salesman for Swami in less than a semester, and already he is round-shouldered. This comes from trying to drag home all the commissions he has piled up since September. A bright boy, it's ru- mored that he makes more money than JSchool does on its out- of-state tuition. Right now, Willy is too busy for any other hobbies except busi- ness school, where they have him down for a junior and some good grades. Twenty years old and a native of Jeff City, Willy takes lodging at the Phi Gam House when he stops over in Columbia for a semester. Willy still has his health, sweet disposition and fraternity pin which means he isn't going steady and bankrupt. On the subject of girls, he says, "I can't fight 'em," which is purposely ambiguous. But then, Swami predicts Bill is a very ambiguous lad who will go far in the business world. BOB CARTER Gruff-voiced Bob Carter is the answer to Swami's frantic prayer in September for a REALLY good cartoonist. Bob's favorite subjects to sketch and talk about are, in order of preference, girls, girls, girls. "They're wonderful - my mo- ther was one, you know." At nineteen his secret ambition is to get married but don't tell because it's still a secret. Major- ing in art, Bob has been here at Mizzou for one whole semester. So far he shows no signs of wear or general breakdown, other than his opinion that the school is "real ag." He lives at Cramer Hall but goes to St. Louis for va- cations at home. Bob's big talent is playing the uke. Only two months and he can pick out verses of "Down Among the Potted Palms," or "Soute Pa- cific". And for an encore you can always count on him to play both verses of "Down Among the Pot- ted Palms". But give him a month, (that's all his roommate is giving him). When not pluck- ing the strings, Bob likes to col- lect records, mostly popular bal- lads. He always looks a little wistful when he thinks about the phonograph needle he's going to own some day. L.B. KNOX CAVANAGH BERG BYRON C & K DUNLAP DOBBS Camel Cigarettes