IPABIA A Showme Parody April, 1954

IPABIA A Showme Parody April, 1954 IPABIA A Showme Parody April, 1954 2008 1954/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195404

IPABIA A Showme Parody April, 1954; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1954

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Npabia One Ruble Birth Expansion Bureau Multiply Give sons to the motherland! Is giving bonus and hero badge for each new birth. Act Now! A Showme Parody April, 1954 Budweiser Puckett's CAMPUS CHEST DRIVE April 19-24 Letters to Comrade Editor Dear Komrade Editor, Is wishing to know name and address of peasant girl of last issue on page 83 ("Pravda goes to a Parity"). Me and Comrades is voting her the "The Pig of the Parity" -or- "The Pepper to Go With Our Salt". Yours, Isgot Antlerski North Siberian Salt Works Dear Ant, Her name is Fatmit Corsetov. Is no address now, but you will have chance to meet her soon. Was caught keeping profits, and is being sent to your camp to re- ceive honors.-Ed. Dear Editor, Since I am not appreciated here at home, I was wondering if there might be a place for me at the Moscow Conservantory. I can cook, sew, and play a mean chorus of chopsticks on the piano. Right now I'm not pinned, engaged, or even going steady. But I'd like to be. I think Americans are queer, don't you? Charmingly yours, Liberitchy Dear Libbie, And so's your brother, George. -Ed. (Continued on page 4) Campus Jewelers Pennant Motor Inn 3 The Stein Club The Blue Shop LETTERS TO KOMRADE EDITOR (Continued from page 3) Dear Kommie Ed, Is been many years since I am writing to you. Last letter won me ten years, all-expense-paid trip to Siberia. Is reason why I write now. In last issue you said, "in Siberia temperature never goes lower than 67°." Is big lie. Is never lower than 10° below in Garden Spot of the Rooshias. I am knowing. Was my job to spike the mercury. Was doing my little bit for Glorious Cold War. K. Ramski Coarsacough Dear Ram: Welcome home. You is right. Writer was rightist. Is real gone righter now.-Ed. Dear Rooskis, Vas ist los? Vy you hate der Chermans? Vot haff ve done to deserve this? Chermans iss goot pipple. Vy do you crittersize? Vot do you vant? Milton Berlin Dear Milt, You're nuts!-Ed. Dear Sir: In answer to your critical article, "Why Are Americans Sex- Happy?" I should like to point out a few facts. (1) Americans are normal, red-blooded men and women. (2) Sex is inexpensiye. (3) Sex is fun. Sincerely, Howard Hughes Dear Howie But wouldn't it be more fun'on a five year plan? P.S. What is Jane Russell's phone number?- Ed. Dear Komrade Editor, Is wishing to correct a state- ment of Ivan Bullski in his articles "The Greatest Show on Earth" (Pravda, March 3) which de- scribed the mass executions of the Bolshevick Revolution. In his article Comrad Bullski is saying that Peter Ketchead, cousin of the Czar, was beheaded at the main evening showing. This is in error, as Peter Ketchead was actually killed during the matinee performance for lesser nobility. Also, Bullski stated that a guil- lotine was used as main prop in show. Is no.t true, was double blade ax. Is knowing this to be so, as grandfather was chief ax- man, and was known as quite a gay blade in his time. Yours for Accuracy, Iban Peestov Dear Komrade Editor, Is sending you congratulations on fine articles "The Greatest Show on Earth." Pravda is done state and me great service. Ever since article appeared, my neigh- bor, Iban Peestov, is been shoot- ing off mouth. MVD is now shoot- ing off head. Is big promotion for me, I denounced him. Gratefully yours, Ivan Powerski, Commissar of Contempt Dear Comrade, Am pleased with editorial policy. Article on biology was en- lightening. Is reassuring to know glorious party is expanding. One cell-two cells-Barf! Cells all over the place. But I am worrying about too many reproductive cells. Remember the party slogan-"No orgies, by Georgi." Em V. Dee Dear Em, Don't get excited. Is no sex in cells. Cell sex went out with red light over Kremlin during seige of Moscow (Pravda, March 23, 1814) -Ed. Dear Komrade Editor, Let's have more pinup pictures of Olga Petronova, girl lathe- hand. She has got what it takes to raise nitchkas. Two hundred and twenty-seven pounds, and all woman-in a Bikini, yet! Oh, barf. Vashily Hair Tonic Dear Vash, Quite a lot of Trotskyite, eh? Mail us three boxes and we will send you the top to hUr Bikini,-- Ed. Texaco Town Miller's The Brown Derby Commissar's Comment Well, after two months of hard work, the Queen contest is all over, and we spent a fabulous weekend in the Mound City as guests of the Melbourne Hotel. Her Majesty, Priscilla Lott, and her attendant, Lois Kopp, appear- ed on radio with Curt Ray, May Manning's Dawn Patrol, and two or three others which have slip- ped our mind. Swami's Royal Family hit TV with "To The Ladies" on KSD and the Chuck Norman Show on KSTAM, where Guy Mitchell was friendly, if not downright affectionate. On Satur- day night the girls had dates for dinner and dancing, Pris with Bob Goddard, the Globe columnist, and Lois with a radio exec, whose name we never did catch. Every- one had dinner at the Chantilly Room, where the Queen was in- troduced by Buddy Charles, the piano player. Then over to the Chase Club, where Mindy Carson was appearing. They were intro- duced there and talked to Mindy afterwards. Despite the fact that we had two or three car break- downs and didn't get back into Columbia until after hours on Sunday, and despite the fact that half of the people who made the trip ended up in the clinic the fol- lowing week, it was great. Really great. Oh, oh yes, Nurse, lights out, huh? This month we have for your enjoyment (if you haven't got anything good to say abofit it, keep your cotton-chomping mouth shut) the long-awaited Russian parody. Now we have never seen a Russian magazine, and, even if we had, it's doubtful if we would have been able to decipher it, so what we have done is this. We tried to take some of the most not- able features in American maga- zines and transpose them to the Soviet Union. After all, we fi- gured, the Russians would prob- ably claim they appeared in Red magazines first anyway. So in a way you're getting a double parody - American mags and Communist propoganda. In May it's "The Ozarks" and June "The Classics", and then sleep all summer. C'est magnifi- que! Missouri Showme Staff EDITOR Joe Gold BUSINESS MANAGER Ben Bruton ART EDITOR Chip Martin FEATURE EDITOR Warren Murry ADVERTISING SALES Bob Brown ADVERTISING LAYOUTS Art Rauch CIRCULATION MANAGER Jerry Powell SALES MANAGER Bill Howard PUBLICITY DIRECTOR Jerry Swormstedt JOKE EDITOR Judy Rose PROOF READER Hal Miller EXCHANGE EDITOR Barbara Jones SUBSCRIPTION MANAGER Barbara Stein FEATURES Nancy Fairbanks Lindy Baker Bep Ely ARTISTS Dick Noel Mark Parsons Barney Kinkade Bev Prevallet Corky Cole Milt Yeary Bill Hofman Tony Hardin DeWitt Barker Sue Lega Contents THE MOST UNFORGIVABLE CHARACTER I EVER MET A stirring behind-the scenes portrait of a loyal party member 14 BEST BOOK IN THE UNION Reviews of those books now on the Soviet "Best Seller" list 15 REPORT TO THE PEOPLE The wife of a Russian envoy to the U.S. gives you the lowdown on filthy capitalistic farce -a Pravda exclu- sive 20 NOGO Your favorite comic strip about that lovable little swamp-dwelling posswm and other loyal pheasants- 28 FEARLESS FALSTICK In two pages of comics Falstick of the MVD chases capitalist, Manyface, all over Moscow - Use Wildsnoot Cream Boil, Comrade 30 THE TRUMAN McCARTHY LETTERS Letters to big wheel free enterprisers and one reply. 32 Cover by Chip Martinski Photos by Al Smithski Volume 30 April 1954 Number 7 SHOWME is published nine times, October through June, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Adver- tising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Kelly Press, Inc., Columbia, Mo. Price: 25 a single copy; subscriptions by mail 3.00. Office hours: 3:00 to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, 302 Read Hall. The Russian peasant cannot speak Concerning his condition; So Swami aids the shackled weak With pages of sedition. 8 Around The Kremlin Overheard It was in the Commissar of Education's office, and the Com- missar was explaining the party to a deviationist. "The party," said the Commissar, "acts toward the peasant in the same relation- ship as a parent toward a child." "But, comrade Matthewski," groaned the offending peasant, "a parent is supposed to love his child." "We do love you," said the Commissar, "but for your own good we must shoot you." And he did. Politickles Democracy ain't what it's cracked up to be! We have heard from our agents in the United States of a midwestern university where students vote for their Stu- dent Government Association of- ficers. This is not smart straight ticket voting like in Glorious People's Democracy. This is two party Mickey Mouski. In Russia is no good stuffing ballot boxes, because only one party is running. Anyone voting "No" is buried with military honors. On univer- sity campus, president of SGA was caught stuffing ballot boxes. He was not shot. This was a big mistake. Instead of big public brainwashing they have private mouth washing with soap. Stu- dents is all fouled up. They have forgotten glorious Marxian doc-' trine-"Shoot first, vote later." Jelly Roll We have discovered a strange American word used mainly by college students. The word is "jelly" and originally meant some- thing spread on bread. As taken over by these lazy capitalistic pigs the word has something to do with a morning hour when one is sup- posed to be in class absorbing all sorts of educational dogma. When one is not in class, but, rather, out drinking unhealthy dregs of black coffee with other simpering stu- dents, one is "jellying." We note with pride that the glorious youth of Russia does not waste its time in such a paltry manner. When the Russian student is not going to class, purging his relatives, or working in the tractor factory, he is at home fast asleep storing up energy for the benefit of the state. Hail to our glorious working youth! May all their property be public property. Stacked Deck Our informants tell us that one of the most popular card games in the decadent United States is a violent dog-kicking game called "Po' Cur". This game is indulged in as soon as at least three scrawny American men meet in a smoke-filled room or a beer-filled bar. And then there is always the ever-present four person game called Bridge. This consists of try- ing to make as many cute tricks as possible. But for us good old Com- mies the only real patriot's game is the national one of Vodka Rummy, or "Only Knocking Allowed is In Glorious Game". Glorious Germ Warfare We have been informed that Hero of Medical Wars, Dr. Trim- bleski, has been awarded another glorious medal. This, the latest of the good doctor's honors, was given to him by the Great Georgi, himself, for the physician's work in developing a new type of Black Plague which can be easily trans- mitted through dirty beer glasses. Dr. Trimbleski has been conduct- ing his experiments on expend- able students at the Moscow Con- servatory of Barf. He reports that the end results have been most satisfactory, although he has not yet been able to determine why those contracting the disease turn yellow instead of black. Secret Police American capitalists are mak- ing fun of our glorious police force in posters and signs. Reports from behind the Beer Can Curtain in- form us that such advertisements turn the revered MVD into a dirty word by omitting the M, and warning citizens to beware of the rest of it. For some brave Amer- ican who would set this right and not beware, we would give many hand claps. The Farmer's Daughter And then there is a story from one of the glorious collective farms in the Urals. It seems that one of the farmer's daughters had too much vodka to drink one night. The next morning, up bright and early at the crack of a whip, she was sitting on top of a tractor digging furrows in the glorious sod. Suffering from a hangover, she hung over too far to see where she was going and fell in front of the tractor. Last word was that she really got ploughed. Smokers' Coffin Is reading all capitalistic pro- paganda about getting cancer from cigarettes. Only cigarettes giving genuine lung cancer is good old Roosky brands. Nobody who is anybody is contracting mild American type from filtered butt- skis and capitalist holders. Real ghastly type was invented by Petro Grad who filched butts out- side Kremlin walls. After picking up one butt after another and get- ting all he could out of each one, Grad contracted the disease. Three days later there was one less resident of Moscow. This is proof positive that Roosky ciga- rettes give you the real thing. Gangsterism And then we have heard about the ex-Commissar who went over to the other side of the Iron Cur- tain and explained to some of the members of the United Nations that the reason he switched allegi- ance was because some of the party leaders kidnapped him one night. He accused the glorious party of "gangsterism" and even made the ridiculous claim that members of the MVD were carry- ing guns. This is the most fantastic charge we have ever come across. Hasn't he seen enough American movies to know that all those hoods carry guns and that they are all gangsters? And if he should ever have the gall to try to return here it would be like jump- ing out of the frying pan into the firing squad. Pravda Looks At A Queen American colleges is always having big contests to see who is Queen. One such cap- italistic election took place on campus of University of Missouri, sponsored by fas- cistic publication, "Slayme". Pravda quotes: "Here at last is the young lady you chose for SHOWME Queen. She is Priscilla Lott, an eighteen year old freshman from Kan- sas City, and a pledge of Kappa Kappa Gamma. Bob Goddard, columnist for the Globe-Democrat, is her din- ner date." Still quoting from right-wing scandal sheet, "Guy Mitch- ell, the singing star, took a hand in the weekend's fun (or rather, two hands) with a warm-hearted embrace for Pris and Lois Kopp, the Queen's attendant. Lois, nineteen, from St. Louis, is a member of Delta Gamma. She is in the School of Edu- cation, while Priscilla is in Arts and Science, preparing for the portals of Journalism School. Both of these cute tricks were suffering from colds on the trip, and Lois still clutches her handker- chief gaily." Photo by Rhodes Studio, St. Louis THE GLORIOUS CARTOONS TWO PAGES OF THE BEST IN RUSSIA The Most Unforgivable Character I've Ever Met BY IVAN ALDEVAY I shall always remember my father as being very kind to me. He treated me well, took me places I wanted to go, and in general made my life everything a Young Comrade should want. Only once did he do anything that made me angry. That was when I was ten years old-he beat me, with a switch. I remember that time very well. Father had come home from the collective farm that day very tired. He had been worked un- usually hard, having plowed five acres. To some people this may seem simple, but to my father it was hard. He pulled the plow. I said something to him, no- thing serious, but he didn't like it. That's when he beat me, with a switch. He had no good reason, really. Father worked hard on the farm. Some days he had to work late into the night. He would come home exhausted, but he would be up at four to start the next sixteen-hour day. Father was a hard-working man. Father enjoyed his work. He knew he was working for The Great Cause, and he was happy. Sometimes, about every sixth month, he got a day off. Then he would say to me, "Little Comrade, let's go to the jail today." And I would say, "Da, papa, and can I feed peanuts to the capital- ists?" He would smile and nod and show me how to steal a bag of peanuts from the street vendor. Father was a big man. His broad shoulders, strong back, muscular arms, and bronzed skin proved his outdoor existence. He was a very loyal Party man, too, and he had turned in many cap- italists, and hung their money belts over our fireplaces. Sometimes he would take me to the Trials. They were a lot of fun, although everyone knew how they would come out. Father would sit by me and explain what was happening. "See that man, my little comrade," he would say, "he was caught staring at unworthy capitalistic propoganda pictures of Marilyn Monroe." And then a skinny, shriveled prisoner would stand and be seized by two huge guards who would jerk him out the door. Then Father would point and say, "See there. That man barfed at his potato soup." And another withered prisoner was led away to his doom. Father made the trials very in- teresting. He was half the fun of going to them. When the prison- ers would rave on and plead inno- cence, Father would go into an uproar and soon all the other spectators would join him. It made the solemn drudgery of trials go away, and all of us really lived it up. Before the days of the Great Revolution, my father was no- thing but a poor struggling labor- (Continued on page 16) Reviews of Best Book in Union FOREVER EMBER Ember Klapsic, is a poor work- ing girl who goes, door to door, selling Pringmaid Sheets. Because of her bouncing personality, Em- ber is known to her friends as Pepsi. Pepsi bounces through life carefree as a mink. One day, Pepsi is demonstrating the durability of the sheets to a handsome cus- tomer, and he tells her that he has never seen such endurance. Flat- tered by such talk, Pepsi stays under his spell for quite a spell. The handsome customer falls in love with Pepsi, and wants her to quit work and marry him. Pepsi is quite taken by the man, but is getting so much satisfaction from her career that she hates to give it away. The ensuing emotional conflicts make a gripping story, designed to grip you in the end. MONEY-BAGS IS WATCHING YOU: A look into the future by a culp- able author. The plot is on Wall Street in an unmentioned capital- ist country. The main character of the story has the ridiculous name of Horatio Algier. He shows criminal tendencies early in life, buying newspapers at three cents apiece, and selling them to the unsuspecting masses for a nickel. Soon, Horatio has so much money he can't put it all in his pockets, and he carries it around in a big bag, hence, the name Money-bags. When Money-bags has enough bags full of money, he continues his crimes on a larger scale by buying newspaper buildings and selling them again. All the while, of course, he is selling for more money than he is buying. As Money-bags owns more and more of the country's buildings, the people become more afraid of him. Everyone doing any business whatsoever, has the feeling that Moneybags is watching over his shoulder, waiting for a chance to grab. Such a situation results in the inevitable, a neurotic nation. This book is a must for radicals with capitalistic leanings. It can only be interpreted as a prophetic warning. RATIO ALGIERSKI Ratio Algierski is the story of the rise of the son of a poor pea- sant, to the rank of Major in the MVD. Rat's start in life is his birth. He grows up on a collective farm, where he collects wheat, and frequent cuffs on the ear. His first big break in life is when he is chosen one of the priv- ileged few to attend school. At school, Ratio quickly learns the route to success when he becomes teacher's pet by tattling on his best friend. When Ratio has tattled on all the other children, and they are expelled, he grad- uates Valedictorian. Utilizing his secret to fame, the hero of the book works his way through col- lege as MC of a game, played with the secret police, called "Informa- tion Please." From college, it is only a hop, skip, and a few black lies, until Ratio becomes a genuine paid informer. When the Captain of MVD realizes that Ratio is getting more hero medals as an informer than he is as Cap- tain, Ratio is sucked into the corps. Ratio's promotion in the service is phenomenal, but you must read the book to learn the full story. THE OLD MAN AND THE SALT SHAKER The story is of an old man who for seven days tries to shake salt from a clogged salt shaker. The author goes to great length to des- cribe the old man's emotions, and gives long discussions which he has with himself over how much he dislikes saltless borscht. At the end of the seventh day, the old man has given up any hope of ever getting any salt for his borscht, and is about to eat it as is. Then the secret police come in the door and drag him off to Si- beria. Twenty years later, the old man returns to his hut, carrying huge bags of salt. When he enters his hut, and goes to the table, he finds that during absence his borscht has all evaporated. The old man cries. THE END Mao-Tse-Thng VETO THE MOST UNFORGIVEABLE CHARACTER I'VE EVER MET (Continued from page 14) er, a slave of the Czar. In his very early life he had been an athlete. He had played soccer with Krem- lin Komets, one of the best teams in Moscow. As he grew older, he had less time to play, and he gradually gave it up. Often in his bedtime stories to me he would tell me of the days in Moscow when he jocked for the Czar. After the Revolution he left the dingy, filthy, smoky factories for the cool, fresh air of the farm. The Great Government had placed him among his countrymen, to join them in producing wealth for the masses. My father was grate- ful to the Government for this. My father loved his Government. At night he would tell me stories of ancient Russia. I would ask him endless questions, and he would patiently answer them. He would tell me about the Great Russians who had invented all the really great things in the world today. Sometimes he would re- late the history of Russia, from the time it began itself up to the time of the coming world con- quest. Then he would tuck me into my straw bed on the floor and see that I fell safely asleep. All my life he was good to me. Yet I remembered the time he beat me, with a switch. I had to do it,-I turned him in as a spy. I knew that he would never beat me again. They didn't care if he was guilty or not-he was just another col- lective aggie. As I sat at his trial, I thought of the times he had sat beside me in the same courtroom, telling jokes and making me laugh. But he had beaten me once-with a switch. And I never forgave him. He was the most unforgivable character I've ever met. THE END THE RED FLAG Julie's Romano's Georgie's Jokes Help raise the devil while you live. You will meet him soon after you die and those who are ac- quainted with him will get the best shovels. Ivan: What is heredity? Igor: Heredity is when your grandfather didn't have any children and your parents didn't have any children, and you won't have any children, either, probably. He: I hear Bill was thrown out of college for cheating. She: Yes, what happened? He: He sneezed while he was tak- ing a Russian exam, and they threw him out for conjugating a verb. A Russian sailor discovered, when he arrived home on leave, that his wife was expecting a baby any moment. Immediately he dis- patched a microgram to his com- manding officer requesting an ex- tension and explaining his reason. The reply came quickly and consisted of the following mes- sage: "The U. S. S. R. N. recognizes necessity of your presence at lay- ing keel. Considers your presence at launching superflous." Then there's the family who named their dog Carpenter be- cause he did odd jobs around the house. A little man ran into a bar. "Quick," he blurted, "gimme a drink before the fight starts!" The bartender poured a shot, the man gulped it, and scurried out the door. A moment later, he was back with the same request, and fled again. About the sixth shot, the bar- tender stopped him. "Say bud," he said, "who's gonna pay for all this hooch?" "Oh, oh," moaned the little man, "The fight's about to start." A girl's best asset is a guy's imagination. Bell-hop (making a lady and gen- tleman comfortable): Anything else, sir? Guest: No, thank you. Bell-hop: Anything for your wife? Guest: Why yes, bring me a post card. "I think Boris and Maria were the cutest-looking couple on the floor last night." "Oh, were you at the dance last night?" "No, I went to a house party." Lice Klispies Lenin & Malenkov Report to the People Zdrastvuetya, comrade house wives. I, Nadya Slovonovich, am reporting on wretched living con- ditions of feelthy obnoxious masses in United States. Two years I am living in Washington, D. C. (D.C. is for damn capital- ists.) While I am living there I am watching. Comrade h u sb a n d works in glorious Russian em- bassy. He is in charge of ash trays. He is watching, too. His job is watching ashtrays to be seeing none of glorious comrade employ- ees smoke too many feelthy Amer- ican cigarettes. On streets I am seeing there is no garbage or trash. Every- where is cans saying keep your city clean. In cans are garbage and trash. Is being saved for rich capitalist bosses. Poor people is getting no garbage or trash. In Russia poor people is getting all garbage and trash. American peo- ple is starving. I am walking down street. Sign in window is saying Fire Sale. I am walking in store. I am looking for fire. Is no fire; is only feelthy obnoxious propoganda. I am going into store to buy food. Door is go- ing round and round. I am going out on wrong side. Is government attempt to keep American public confused. In front of store is huge windows so American secret po- lice can check on American masses who is always buying too much. I am looking all over store. Is very poorly stocked. I am look- ing every where for borscht and good black bread. Is none. Only is white bread. All bread is sliced. American masses is too poor to have knives to slice bread. Final- ly I am getting red beets for borscht. Everywhere is women pushing babies around in carts. I am realizing store is slave market for young children. I am asking woman how much fat babies bring on American market. She is tak- ing her fat baby and running. Is obvious to me American govern- ment is trying to keep child slavery under hat. I am going to pay for my red beets. I am offer- ing man good ration ticket. He is refusing. I am offering him good Russian ruble. He is refusing. I am offering him more rubles. He is still refusing. It obvious prices are very high. I am throwing red beets in his face and leaving. I am well informed on U. S. govern- ment policies. Government is tak- ing food and throwing food away so prices will be high. Very sly. They are starving opposition to death. Too bad they are not catch- ing on to cheaper, more advanced Russian methods of eliminating opposition. Husband is getting me ticket to see capitalist comedy call United States Senate. Is very funny. Commisars is all arguing. I am laughing. Everyone is knowing argument is not allowed. Then big Commisar McCarthski is get- ting up and making speech. Is saying down with Communists. I am throwing vodka bottle at him. Then lesser Commisar is getting up and calling McCarthski names. I am laughing. Is very funny. Everyone is knowing he will be getting shot in third act. In sec- ond act is audience participation. People in balcony is jumping up and shouting "Long live Puerto Rico." They are shooting actors. Is very funny. I am clapping. Is very funny satire on United States Government. I am recommending U. S. Capital Theater to all fellow travelers. Husband and I are going sight- seeing. First we are looking at big monument of man who couldn't tell a lie. Is obvious early American leaders were not very good. Everyone knows first quali- fication for leadership is to be glorious liar. We are visiting big hotel called White House. Furniture is very old. Is too bad they can't afford new furniture. People are run- ning in and out carrying very small suitcases called briefcases. Is obvious they can't afford many clothes if suitcases are so small. In front yard of hotel are big foun- tains. No one is taking bath though. American public is very dirty. Then we are visiting building called Pentagon. Capitalist archi- tects is very poor. Is making big mistake and building five walls on building. We are going to big museum. Is obvious American people are very immodest. All statues are naked-not even any hero medals on chests. Comrade husband and I have to snicker when we see how inglorious American people is. No one is wearing hero medals. Also very boring. Is very good to be back in glorious Soviet Union. Is more interesting. At least in glorious Soviet State is knowing that knocking on door at 3 o'clock in the morning is not Barnacle Bill, the sailor. THE END ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE nEUKOmm's Showme Visits Red Square SHOWME STUDIO Georgie's Jokes A woman entered the village bakery: "Here's a nice cake," said the clerk. "Why, Mr. Michilov, I'm sur- prised at you," ejaculated the woman. "Why, that cake looks as if some mice have been nibbling at it!" "Honest, lady, it couldn't be," said the baker. "Why, the cat was lying on it all night." Leon: What did they call shotgun weddings before firearms were invented? Anna: They were beau and error affairs. "Just fancy that," exclaimed the proud mother. "They've pro- moted our Illiitch for hitting the sergeant. They've made him a court-martial." Carousel! Georgie's Joke Webster says taut means tight. I guess I was taut a lot in school after all. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Her head is just as vacant as the breakfast room in a hotel at Niagara Falls. Then there's the one about the puzzled Pole. He lived on the border between Russia and Po- land, and he worried about it for years. "I'm a man without a coun- try," he said. "I don't know where I live." So, eventually, he got a state surveyor to swing around his way and make an extra special, Double A, careful survey. "You live in Poland," decided the surveyor. The Pole hurled his hat in the air with a cheer. "Thank God!" he cried. "No more Russian win- ters!" Rimsky: Did you hear about that girl who went to the masque- rade party in a suit of armor? Korsakov: No, what happened to her? Rimsky: Nothing. Broadway Drive-In Theatre Andy's Corner Nathe Chevrolet Inc. DORN-CLONEY Georgie's Jokes Definitions: American: A person who isn't afraid to bawl out the Presi- dent, but' who is always polite to a policeman. Sombrero: A gloomy-looking hat. Screwbrawl: A melee at a mad- house. Night Club: A place where they have what it takes to take what you have. Kiss: A noun, though used as a conjunction; it is never de- clined; it is more common than proper and is used in the plural and agrees with all genders. Sonia: I cannot marry you, as I do not love you, but I will be a sister to you. Nikolai: Fine: How much do you think our father is likely to leave us? Then there's the one about the old Russian peasant, who, while drinking vodka in the local pub, remembered a phone call he had to make. To make certain that no one would drink his vodka while he was gone, he wrote this note: "I spit in this vodka." Upon returning, however, he was chagrined to find written boldly across the paper, "So have I." Hotel Manager: Did you find any of our towels in that salesman's suitcase? Hotel Detective: No, but I found a chambermaid in his grip. Puffing and blowing, the young Russian soldier just managed to jump into the carriage as the train left the station. The middle aged man in the corner eyed him with scorn. "When I was your age, my lad," he said, "I could run half a mile, catch a train by the skin of my teeth, and yet be as fresh as a daisy." "Yes, sir," gasped the young fellow, "but I missed this one at the last station." Karl: What are you doing with my raincoat on? Marx: Keeping your suit dry. An anti-Communist, condemn- ed to the firing squad, was asked what he wanted before he died. He replied: "I would like to be a member of your party." "Well," said the commander, "that is strange, indeed. Why did you finally come to take such a splendid attitude?" "Oh," was the indifferent re- joiner, "I just thought it would be pleasant to know that when you shot me there would be one Com- munist less!" Russian Cop: Get down off that statue of Stalin! Inebriated Student: Aw, shaddup, if you had one ounce of patriot- ism you'd be up here, too. The old maid called in her lawyer and explained her last will and testament. "I want to give $3,000 to the art museum, $1,000 to my nephew, $1,000 to the Y. W. C. A., and $1,000 to the library." "What about the remaining $500?" "I've never had a lover, and I'll give that to anyone who will kiss and make love to me!" "I'll do that," said the lawyer. He hurried home and explained to his wife. That evening he called at the old maid's home. At nine o'clock his wife became nervous and called on the phone. "It's all right, dearie," he ex- plained. "She has cut off the art museum and the library, and if you let me stay another hour, she'll cut off her nephew and drop the Y. W. C. A. the novus shop Brady's The Perfect Squelch! The peasant woman was well known in the office of the Com- missar of Complaints. She had a sharp tongue, and was infamous for constantly being displeased about something. The Commissar listened patiently as she went through a long tirade of how poorly the country was being run. He yawned, as she became more petty, and voiced her disgust at the low quality of beets which were available for borscht, and that her children were without shoes. Seeing that rantings in general were having no effect on the Commissar of Complaints, the peasant woman delved into person- alities, and shouted, "What's more, this bureau is the worst managed in all the Rotten Red State!" The Commissar slowly drew himself to full height and quietly replied, "Peasant wench, this time you've said too damn much," as he lopped off her head with his sabre. NOGO In the Manana Split or Let's Have a Party Fearless Falstick of the MVD By Barnsky THE DEN The McArthy Truman Letters In the past month we've been writing letters all over the coun- try in the hopes of stirring up a minor hornets' nest. On this page are the letters we've been mailing and on the following page is the only reply we have received. February 10, 1954 Senator Joseph McCarthy Senate Office Building Washington, D. C. Dear Senator: For more than thirty years the University of Missouri in the home state of Harry S. Truman has been graced with the presence of a humor magazine popularly known as the Missouri SHOWME. This magazine has existed through fair weather and foul, through censorship and banning to off- campus obscurity all the way up to the present. Now we are approaching a new era. We intend to do a political parody. One night last month one of the' staff members suggested parodying Pravda and other organs of the Russian press, and the wealth of ideas that followed seemed to indicate that this would be one of the funniest issues we have ever published. However, realizing the amount of criticism something like this might leave us open to, I am writ- ing this in the hopes of securing your blessing our venture. May I offer my pledge that none of the members of my staff are now, or ever have been members of the Communist Party, nor do they espouse its doctrines. Although it may appear in the issue that we are putting forth Red dogma, I may assure you that it will be all in fun and tongue in cheek. Hon- est, we're not Communists. Very truly yours, Joe Gold, Editor February 14, 1954 Mr. Harry Truman Independence, Missouri Dear Mr. Truman: Last Wednesday, I stood on the steps of the Memorial Tower . . hoping to get a picture of you buying a copy of SHOWME. The photograph would have been good publicity for the magazine. As luck would have it, however, you and I came out well, but the maga- zine is nowhere to be seen. Be that as it may, I should like to know if you enjoyed the issue. Never before have we sold a copy to an Ex-President of the United States, nor have we ever had a quarter we didn't spend. But yours has received the place of honor in our office. With your permission I should like to show my appreciation for your being such a good sport about buying the magazine the other day by placing you on our permanent mailing list. You might be interested in knowing that in April we intend to do a parody on Pravda and Russian magazines. Just for kicks I wrote a letter to Senator Mc- Carthy telling him of this and swearing that we are not now, nor ever have been members of the Party, and asked his blessing. I do hope the Senator won't think me sarcastic. Thanks again for being a good sport, and we'll try to give you a few laughs through the pages of SHOWME. Sincerely, Joe Gold, Editor HARRY S. TRUMAN FEDERAL RESERVE BANK BUILDING KANSAS CITY 6, MISSOURI February 23, 1954 Dear Joe: I certainly appreciated your letter of the fourteenth. I enjoyed seeing all the young people when I was in Columbia the other day and I also enjoyed reading the magazine which you are getting out. Of course, if you want to put me on the mailing list I will appreciate it. I got a great kick out of the copy you handed to me. Sincerely yours, Mr. Joe Gold Editor, Missouri Showme University of Missouri 302 Read Hall Columbia, Missouri P. S. I don't think the "snollygoster" Senator from Wisconsin will pay much attention because he doesn't like to be ridiculed. DRAKE'S DRIVE-IN Life Savers Collins Homemaker Homilies This is Betty Crock, your down- town shopper and homemaking authority with a few hints on the care and feeding of husbands and families once again this month. First of all, I want to tell you about a new offer from one of the larger stores here in Moscow, the Red Star Commissary. Yes, ladies, you can send in now and get your own burlap-bound copy of the of- ficial Red Star Commissary Cook- book, called "15 Ways to Prepare and Enjoy Potato Soup." Now you send no money. Just submit 16 names and addresses of suspected traitors to the state living in your neighborhood, but please remem- ber members of your immediate family are not eligible in this offer. You will be sure to receive your cook book within the next two years or not later than mid- night after the first execution of any one of your 16 entries. So get busy now and get to know your neighbors better. Simply invite them in for a steaming bowl of potato soup, prepared in any one of 15 ways, five of which use pota- toes for ingredients. And now, Mrs. Homemaker, a few tips in the fashion whirl. The top designers here in. downtown Moscow, buyers for the Red Star Commissary, have come with a definite statement that boot tops Are going down this season . . to reveal brief glimpses of swish- ing red flannel underskirts, the really accepted color these last few years. You'll be interested to learn also that Jacques Fath-o- Nitch has come out with some- thing really revolutionary again in the fashion world. You'll have to see it to believe it. Dresses to be worn now and later all season and then converted into honest- to-goodness feed sacks. And the joy of this style is that no sewing ability is needed. You merely slip out of the dress, pour in the required amount of chicken feed, and voila, even your husband will comment on the quick change. For the more sophisticated matron, one of the better-known local stores, (the Red Star Com- missary), is now showing their spring line, the perfect round-the- clock frock. This is a basic en- semble with simple enough lines to wear with ease during the early morning neighborhood inter- rogations, but also smart enough to wear with assurance during those sometimes long, drawn-out public hangings, some of which, incidentally, you will be glad to learn that the Red Star Commis- sary is featuring daily right after luncheon in their tea room on the second floor. And remember this, ladies, there stunning new outfits are not only wrinkle-proof, but will absolutely not show blood stains, even at the messiest execu- tions. For those of you who are con- cerned about the welfare of your young children, the only down- town store is proud to announce their offer of a new psychology book for the harassed parent. This volume, illustrated by a well- known artist, explains the impor- tance of such new theories as the starting of simple manual-of-arms training for the pre-kindergarten tots. Now, for the older child who is perhaps already an accepted member of a neighborhood cell block, the Red Star Commissary is also introducing a new psychol- ogy book explaining Adult Be- havoir. This is written in a thor- oughly charming manner to.show the adolescent the importance of overcoming such mental blocs in the home as obedience to mother and fathers, as well as the neces- sity for overcoming such obstacles as early childhood manual-of- arms training before the age of five, the offical voting age here in Moscow. And to please every- one, both these books are bullet- proof and small enough to be slipped into the pocket over the heart in case either the parent or child is a bit skitterish at early morning rifle practice. THE END VARSITY SHOP Black and Gold SUDDEN SERVICE THIS MONTH'S COVER Npabia To get serious for just one brief moment, the cover of our parody represents the ideal of socialized living from the standpoint of Art Editor, Chip Martin. The lady' with the group of sniveling little nitchkas doesn't look too happy over her lot, but the small gentle- man by her side (whom Chipper assures us is her husband) seems rather proud of his latest con- tribution to the welfare of the glorious state. Never having been to the land of the Great Bear, we are unable to verify the truth or likelihood of such an occurrence, and yet we have heard rumors. Even in such a Soviet Utopia, one is struck with the feeling that somebody is paying for all this. Probably the little guy doesn't realize it, but the government will come along and, by hook or crook, get its money back, so that they can pay the next set of new par- ents. In its subtlety the cover is re- miniscent of the one Bill Gabriel drew way back in 1948-the one showing Harry Truman looking thoughtfully at a "Help Wanted" sign in a haberdashery store around election time. This cover will probably not be reprinted in the Chicago papers as that one was, but, there's always the possi- bility that the "Daily Worker" will pick it up.-Ed. THE END Georgie's Jokes The Dowager Duchess of Lee Once sat by my side at a tea Her rumblings abdominal Were something phenomenal And everyone thought it was me. The advantage of being bald is that when her mother walks in all you have to straighten is your tie. Mail orderly at Mail Call: "Letter for Cdadwinszkerdnozsky" Voice from rear of barracks: "What initial?" Tenant: The people upstairs are very annoying. Last night they stomped and banged on the floor until after midnight. Landlord: Did they wake you? Tenant: No, luckily I was up play- ing my tuba. Four out of five women haters are women. He: Do you love me, Gloria? She: But my name is Evelyn. He: Isn't this Wednesday? "Comrade Poppa, vot is a vacuum?" "A vacuum is a void." "Da, I know dot, Comrade poppa, vot's de void mean?" "Why are you sprinkling grass seed in your hair, Miss Garbo?" "I vant to be a lawn." Griesedieck Bros. NEWMAN'S JEWELRY Barth Clothing Co., Inc. The Stable Georgie's Jokes A great industrialist, upon his return from a visit to Moscow, was besieged with questions. He finally developed a standard an- swer: "The four nicest things in Russia are the caviar, the Ballet Russe, the subway, and the per- mit to leave the country." "Drink broke up my home." "Couldn't you stop it?" "No, the still exploded." 1st Chinese Communist Soldier: I just brought a skunk into the barracks. 2nd One: Where you gonna keep him? 1st One: Gonna tie him under the bed. 2nd One: What about the smell? 1st One: He'll just have to get used to it like I did! A woman's declining years are before 30. She seldom declines after thirty. Stuff Tiger Laundry & Dry Cleaning Co. THE PIZZA HOUSE Missouri Theatre Cinema Scope Georgie's Jokes Then there's the one about the dumb Russian peasant who took a ride on a train so he could see a berth. Three old Russian diplomats were discussing the ideal way of dying. The first, aged 75, said he'd like to crash in a car going 80 miles an hour. The second, aged 86, said he'd like to take his finish in a 400 mph plane. "I've got a better idea," said the third, aged 95. "I'd rather be shot by a jealous husband." M.V.D. man: Young man, are you going to kiss that girl? Peasant: No, sir. M.V.D. man: Well, then, hold my flashlight. The portly man was trying to get to his seat at the circus. "Pardon me," he said to a woman, "did I step on your foot?" "I imagine so," she said, after glancing at the ring, "all the ele- phants are still out there." Samovar Frolics NOW AT UKRAINE THEATRE . . . ALL SEATS BEHIND POSTS. IS GUARANTEED YOU CRANE. IS STANDING ROOM ONLY FOR MASSES. IS RIDICULING GLORIOUS PARTY IS MIMICKING GLORIOUS LEADER. IS BIG MASS EXECUTION AFTER SHOW. IS ONE NIGHT STAND ONLY. THE HATHMAN HOUSE THE UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE Is Russia Going Communist (Reprint from the Daily Shirker) Today there are many muck- rackers who are saying that the USSR is going Communist. This is a plain old cotton-picking lie. As a matter of fact, there are prob- ably more reds in the United States than in Glorious Momma Russia. And besides, have you never heard of White Russia? Why for you call us reds? Quoting from the Premier's most recent ukase, "Russia is a government of the pipple, by the pipple and for the pipple, and if the pipple don't like it, they know what they can do about it." Such a statement indicates the Pre- mier's warmth and love of the common wharf rat. And a raw shad roe to you, too. Communism follows the theor- ies of Karl Marx, and in the Commie Infesto he says, "The theory of communism may be 'summed up in one sentence: Abolish all private property." In Russia we do not abolish all pri- vate property-merely all private citizens. Now in feelthy rich America it is different frqm Russia. Your decadent capitalism dictates that a man must work like a horse to enrich a few men. Then if this poor tubercular slob makes a mis- take like stealing he is thrown in jail. Russia is nothing like this. The worker in Russia does not work for a few rich men, but for the government, which, the work- er knows, is really himself. And if the worker should accidentally speak against the government (which is really himself), he is not thrown heartlessly in jail. He is given a vacation. A vacation at one of the finest salt resorts in the Soviet Union. Before he dies of saltpetre poisoning he has had the time-to think about his crime and make full confessions to the state. And you say we are heart- less wretches! It is true, I admit, that all around my country weaker na- tions are turning to Communism. But is this our fault? China, Czechoslovakia, Rumania, and many others have taken up the Marx Trail, of their own accord, with absolutely no help from us. But do you ever hear of Russia turning Bull Sheviky? You do not. While I am asking questions, what is the meaning of this "Iron Curtain" the rest of the world has enveloped itself in? Why is Russia being discriminated against? Another sore spot in these in- ternational relations is the United Nations. Everywhere I am hear- ing that Russia is making trouble. Russia is the bad one. Russia should not use the veto so often. It is all a big mistake. The other nations do not understand us. When a vote is taken all the mem- bers vote one way, and Russia, to go along with the gag, says, "Ve, too." And everyone thinks we say "veto". It is all one big mis- take. It always is. Russia is more democratic even than the United States. In your country at an election the people's minds are confused by having so many candidates. In Russia we think of the poor illiterate people. To avoid confusion, there is only one candidate. This makes every- thing Hunky-Dory. And who is this loudmotith, Charlie McCarthy, the puppet, who is always trying to find Com- munists in your government. In Russia, we do not have such War Mongers. We would take some- one like him and shoot him in the back of the head. And then we would beria him. We would prob- ably shoot Edgar Bergen, too. Russia is your friend. She is England's friend. She is every- body's friend. Russia is the friendliest place in the world. For free literature, write to the Soviet Chamber of Commerce for your Scot Tissue guide to the land of enchantment. Again, I can only say that Russia is not going communist. And you capitalistic swine had better be- lieve me! THE END Lyle's Garage Coca-Cola Parkade Drive-In Theatre Contributors Page OUTSIDE INN Robinson's Campus Valet Cleaners jerry swornstedt "I used to dream of getting to the top of the heap-the third floor of Read Hall to be exact- just so I could lean out the win- dow of the SHOWME office and glare at all the professors who ever flunked me." Finding this took too much time, Jerry Sworm- stedt closed the window and went to work as Publicity Director for Swami. Because he has done such a good job this year, the 20-year- old sophomore uses this as an ex- cuse for going into J-School next Fall to major in advertising. "At least it'll keep me off the streets nights-I won't have time to sell SHOWME'S then." A Gamma Phi legacy by mar- riage (his parent's), Jerry admits he was "most anxious" to pledge that sorority but finally "saw the light"-unfortunately the house- mother had seen it first, on the second floor after closing hours- so our hero pledged ATO instead. "It's not the same but the food isn't bad-if you REALLY perfer to eat all the time." A runaway from Cincinnati, Ohio, Jerry plans to go into news- paper advertising when he grad- uates. But what he really wants to do is go back to a certain beach and kick sand in the face of that girl who laughed at him when he was a 300-lb. weakling-just as soon as he gets his weight back up to 300 pounds and she divorces Charles Atlas, the bully! barney kinkade "Flicking cigar ashes off his checkered vest with an elegant gesture, Barney Kinkade con- fessed he went to work on SHOW- ME "Strictly for laughs-I figured they could use a few." To accom- plish this, he draws those "ooh, how funny-now explain it to me, Don," cartoons for the grateful peons every month. In between times he likes to observe the ri- diculous side of life, particularly over in Business School where they have him lumped as a junior in Marketing. This has made his advisor very happy. He is a bank- ing professor. When he got the news straight from the horse's mouth "he swung by his tail and threw peanut shells back at the graduates students for almost an hour." At least that's what Barney says. An exile from Gallatin, Mo., not to be confused with Paris, France, Barney "roughs it" over at Cramer Hall where he insists upon eating three meals a day. This way the food in the army will taste better than mother's when he joins up this summer (at the Navy's insistence). After a two- year hitch, Barney has no definite plans, other than to make lots and lots of money, "by hand, down in the basement, if necessary." The Hotel Melbourne Camel