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Missouri Showme June, 1954; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1954

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MISSOURI SHOWME JUNE 1954 CLASSIC ISSUE DICK NOEL 25 cents Savitar Yes, they're here Pick yours up now at the Student Union Ticket Office Thorton Pucketts Campus Jewelers ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE LETTERS Dear Ed, I've seen a lot of college maga- zines, what with transferring schools three times, but I can hon- estly say that yours tops the list. I wonder if students at Missouri realize how fabulous SHOWME is compared to all the others. I've torn and compared, and it's Swami three to one over any other leading brand. Les Benjamin Columbus, Ohio You overwhelm us, Les. We're so used to the other kind of letters. Judging from our latest circula- tion figures, it looks like the gang at "Old Mizzou" does think we're tops.-Ed. Dear SHOWME: Please send me the current copy of SHOWME. I would like to show a few people what a real college humor magazine looks like. I've been a staunch supporter of SHOWME ever since my days at Stephens. I kind of miss the old mag. What is the price of a year's subscription? Sincerely yours, Betty Jo Bryan Albuquerque, N. M. With the current crop of Susies virtually (and virtuously) hiding on the Wednesdays when SHOWME comes out, it's nice to know that the girls of yesteryear had a sense of humor.-Ed. Dear Sir: I think your book is fine, BUT . why the heck don't you put a little more SEX in it? Are you scared or something? William Sanderson Fort Worth, Texas Yes, Willie, we're scared or some- thing.-Ed. Dear Editor: Having become an addict to your publication, I hereby enclose $3.00 for a year's subscription. Up in this country, SHOWME and its "hot humor" come in very handy. There's another former Mizzou student (?) on this tub, and I can assure you that each issue will have a great moral building effect on all the "Coas- tier." So till that great day when I get the discharge and return to THE way of life-Thanks! An appreciative Aggie Ens. G. Keith Rickenbrod Juneau, Alaska Thanks for the kind words, Keith. This may be first time in its doubt- ful history that SHOWME has been called a "moral-builder". We shall turn your letter over to the Board of Publications. Every little bit helps, you know.-Ed. "You-All" I seem to have misplaced my January 1954 issue of SHOWME- (To tell the truth, I loaned it to one of the psychology profs here, and he lost it!) Enclosed please find 25 cents (in coin) and one 3 cent stamp (with glue on one side), for which please send me a copy of the January issue. A Mizzou Has-been, "Windy Engsberg Fayette, Mo. Which just goes to prove what we've contended all along, "Windy", psychology profs are not to be trusted.-Ed. YACHT CLUB SUDDEN SERVICE DRY CLEANERS & SHIRT LAUNDRY Troylings Delmanettes Mademoiselle the novus shop The Brown Derby EDITORS EGO W.W.B. Well, this is it-old Swami's last effort to tickle your funny bones for another school year. And, to get away from the editorial "we," this is my last issue at the helm of the S. S. SHOWME. Next fall, your new editor, Chip Martin, will be taking over, and you'll be in for another nine months of humor. No matter how much you gripe about the grueling hours of work necessary to put out a magazine like ours, when the time finally comes after three and a half years of work, you get a little sad at the idea of a vacation, no matter how badly you need it. In a way, I'm glad I don't have to worry about the deadlines anymore, but I'm going to miss a great many things. I'm going to miss Rose- bud's plaintive whine over a cen- sored joke, "But, Joe, it's funny!" And I'll miss those windy morn- ings in the Tower when my hands were too cold to tell a quarter from a half dollar. I'll miss the moments when I waited suspend- ed over a black abyss, wondering whether this might not be the last issue. But I guess most of all I'll miss all the guys and girls who thought that putting out a funny magazine was the most important thing in the world. Around this time it is permiss- able for an editor to display some signs of senility, and it's tough to clear out the desk behind which you sat for so long to make way for a new staff. It's tough, but you know that it might be fun not to have the responsibility any- more. It might be fun just to write a story or "The Columns" and not have to worry over whether or not it will fit. Once more for me on this page -next fall to introduce your new editor - and then retirement to the green pastures of idleness. Be- fore I mark the final thirty on this page, I'd like to thank all of you, who have helped me so much this year. I mean you, our readers, who criticized us when our book was weak and praised us when it made you laugh. Without you, there never could have been a SHOWME. Thanks and goodbye. Joe Plug MISSOURI Showme Staff Editor JoE Gold BUSINEss MANAGER Ben Bruton ASSOCIATE EDITOR Chip Martin FEATURE EDITOR Warren Murry ADVERTISING SALES Bob Brown ADVERTISING LAYOUTS Art Rauch CIRCULATION MANAGER Jerry Powell SALES MANAGER Bill Howard PUBLICITY DIRECTOR Jerry Swormstedt JOKE EDITOR Judy Rose PROOF READER Hal Miller EXCHANGE EDITOR Barbara Jones SUBSCRIPTION MANAGER Barbara Stein FEATURES Nancy Fairbanks Lindy Baker Ben Ely Jack Gleason ARTISTS Dick Noel Mark Parsons Barney Kinkade Corky Cole Milt Yeary Bill Hofman Tony Hardin DeWitt Barker Sue Lega Dave Newman SECRETARIES Marlene Hickman Barbara Bryant Doris Wells Contents PRIVATE LIFE OF A BIG GAME AUTHOR With his sabre drawn and ready for a reprisal, Roger Julin exposes the world's most famous writer - 12 CYRANOSE The modern saga of Rostand's poet-hero 15 ROBIN, THE HOOD Although robbers come and go, Robin the Hood and his Little John will long be remembered-at least the way Nancy Fairbanks tells the story 16 CLASSICAL POETRY "If," "Barbara Britchie," "Old Iron Heart," "Mizzou Fever" 22, 23, 35 "COMMON" Milton Cross wasn't interested in helping bring the opera to Swami's fans, but the Missouri Workshop went all the way for our photo feature of the month 30, 31 Cover by Dick Noel Photos by Al Smith Volume 30 June, 1954 Number 9 SHOWME is published nine times, October through June, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Adver- tising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Kelly Press, Inc., Columbia, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 3:00 to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, :102 Read Hall. BEU Some risque verse beneath the baugh, A jug, a blanket, beer, and thou, And we shall read some classic lit, Which Swami smirkingly rewrit. 6 Mort Around The Columns Overheard It was in front of the Union, where a large blue Cadillac pulled up to the stop sign, and the side window was rolled down. In the back seat a large bass took up all the space. They called to a pass- ing student, to whom it must have been obvious that they were out- of-town musicians. "Which way," they wanted to know, "is the Alpha house?" Needless to say, they didn't get any directions. Equinocturne In a few short days the high- ways will be filled with home- bound students in all types of cars . . after the exams freedom calls . . unless . . . well, there's always summer school . . . and then Fort Sill is a wonderful place to vaca- tion . . . but for the rest, there's home and peace and quiet . . unless . . . you have a younger brother or sister . . . or, unless, you are a plebeian and have to work . . or, you could go abroad . . unless . . you don't have any money . . . come to think of it, what the hell are we looking for- ward to? T.S.,Wes With the news out of England recently about Roger Bannister being the first man to ever run the mile in four minutes or under, there must be a great many dis- appointed athletes. For years everyone had tried to break that seemingly impossible mark, and a great many people including KU's Wes Santee, figured that the record would fall to an American, namely KU's Wes Santee. Funny thing how so many people are talking about the feat now, and the once impossible has become the merely difficult. Everyone thinks the record set by Bannister, 3:59:4, will be lowered shortly. But, as usual, Moscow has gone everyone one better. They have already begun talking about the three minute mile. Subterfuge Every year around this time somebody starts peeping into our office every hour on the half hour. Just before we called the city police, we discovered that it was only a room check to see which offices in Read Hall were being used most. This way, with office space more and more at a pre- mium in Read Hall, the Dean's office will know which offices could house another organization in addition to what it already has. Naturally, being an antisocial group of animals, we are strongly opposed to sharing our den of humor with anyone else. So, in order to thwart the room checks, we have been hiring sitters from the group around the courthouse steps to come and sit in our of- fice. The result has been that we probably won't have any com- pany next year, but we've been having a difficult time putting out this issue. You've no idea how disconcerting it can be to be working and have some grizzled old bird keep saying, "Buddy, have a drink." Bricktown Breakdown Living in a dormitory is just fine, with one exception. That is, as you may have guessed, that you have to eat there. Sometimes the food is good, sometimes it's bad, and sometimes . . . One night last month after the first military parade, with droves of men streaming into the cafeteria at Defoe a few minutes past six, dif- ficulties greater than the usual one of getting the food down were encountered. With a hundred unfed men, sweating and tired and irritable from the uniformed stroll on the Quadrangle, the food line suddenly stopped moving. Now, you might think that there'd be some way to get around the breakdown of whatever it is that fries french fried potatoes, but there wasn't. While men stood, annoyed and swearing softly, potatoes arrived a few at a time until the last man had received his meagre ration. It took almost forty minutes for a man to get through the line for his din- ner. After the vexation of having to stand so long after having 7 marched for an hour, it was ironic to find a really good meal at last. Sometimes it appears that the fates conspire against the people who run the dormitories. When, at long last, they have a meal they can be proud of, the gremlins throw a monkey wrench right in the middle of the french fries. Phone Blues-Second Chorus Last month we mentioned some of the difficulties we had trying to dial our printers on the tele- phone. Soon afterwards a friend came up with a story that topped ours. It seems that the young man, who lives in Defoe Hall, was trying to dial a girl in Gentry. Lifting the receiver on the first floor phone, he could get no dial tone, so he replaced the receiver and climbed the stairs to the sec- ond floor. Picking up the phone, he heard strange noises, but began to dial anyway. A clipped voice announced to him that Madison, Missouri was calling . Was he there? Our friend duti- fully went down the hall to call the fellow who had gotten the call. He wasn't in. Returning to the phone, our friend told the operator the sad news and she re- layed it to a young lady who was placing the call. They all hung up. Then, our friend lifted the re- ceiver once more and dialed Gen- try Hall. Hearing all sorts of buzz- ings and ringings over the wire, he became a little alarmed. At last, a feminine voice asked him if this was Columbia, Missouri. He admitted that it was, where- upon the voice announced "This is Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I'm trying to get your operator. Will you please hang up?" He re- placed the receiver, quite amazed that all this could happen for one lousy nickel. He decided to try just once more. This time the wire buzzed dutifully and he got through to hear, at long last, the phrase, "Gentry Hall." We are saddened by the fact that we must attach the necessary postscript to this. After all that, she wasn't in. Rice Paddy Cakes We noticed the other day that there have been some changes made in the summer camp assign- ments for the ROTC. Not that they are being obvious about it, but when they start issuing French-English dictionaries and chopsticks, it's time to start wor- rying. One group has gone even farther than that. All through the period the phonograph drones on with John Foster Dulles crooning, "I'd love to get you on a slow boat to Indo-China. . . ." We suppose it must all be very Hannoiing. Sky Cops and Speeders Here's another one of those, "What is this world coming to?" items we found in the Columbia Tribune. The State Highway Patrol has added to its equipment a number of patrol planes. The planes fly low over the highways to catch motorists who cross yel- low lines and zig zag through traf- fic. One plane saw a motorist heading north on 63 about four- teen miles south of Columbia. The car was not observing the few laws Missouri requires one to ob- serve. The plane followed the reckless driver all the way into Columbia, radioing its position to Columbia police. The driver was finally apprehended near Broad- way, proving that crime doesn't pay, with the cops looking on like vultures. Wonder if they'll go after necking couples that way? It would certainly be frighten- ing to have a searchlight hit you out of the blue. Anyway, watch yourself the next time you're on the road, because from here on in, Big Brother is really going to be watching you. Farmers' Affair Well, it was all over last month. The Aggies paraded through the streets in what was either an ad- vertisement for one of the local laundries or a prevue of the new cars being plugged by local auto merchants. Ag pond was filled almost every night with recalcit- rant Aggies who either had dates CHIP MARTIN Mark So, drink Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug. during the week, wouldn't help with the work, or didn't wear the required blue jeans. One or two got away, though, and that's where the story comes in. It sounds like something out of the files of the O.S.S. It seems that one young man realized that he had broken the rules sacred to every hog-calling devotee's heart. He knew they were after him. So-o-o, knowing that the multi- tude was waiting outside the Union for deviationists who went to Carousel, he realized he'd be in for it (or "in it") that evening. That afternoon he went over to Pillsbury Hall where he had a date in the evening and arranged with the night watchman to have the back gate open at 11:20 that night. In the evening he fearlessly picked up his date and took her to Carousel. When it was over, they left, and the Aggies outside, know- ing that his girl was from Pills- bury, chased across town to wait for him to come out the front gate. He drove round to the back, said goodnight to his date and let her walk in alone. Then he left his car parked there, went over to where he had arranged with a buddy to meet him with another car, changed clothes, and went off to sleep at a house in town. When the Aggies, balked at Pillsbury, found the car they decided he'd walked home. They went straight to his dormitory, where, of course, they were disappointed once more. However, on the bed, they found a note that the elusive fugitive had left. It was obviously in- tended for them. It said, "T.S." "Go 'Way From Me, Boy ." Late last month we had the good fortune to see "Julius Cae- sar." We had the misfortune that it was at the Hall. At the box of- fice we saw signs that said "Ad- mission-85 cents." So we paid. The picture didn't start for ten minutes, and while we were wait- ing with some young ladies who had also paid 85 cents, we saw a number of young men come up to the ticket window and ask for student tickets. They got blue tickets and about 35 cents in change from their dollars. We looked at our ticket. It was orange. We watched some more blue tickets going out, and then we tried to find a sign that mentioned student tickets. We found none. Then, one of the braver young ladies went to the window, thrust her orange ticket at the lady who was selling tickets, and asked to have it exchanged for a student ticket. The reply was a classic for the exploited students of Colum- bia. The lady looked at the orange ticket for a second, and then an- swered, "You've already bought your ticket. Don't bother me!" We noticed the paper next day (and probably that day, too) said "Student Tickets-65 cents", but it might be a good idea to have a sign in the box office to that effect. At any rate, make sure you ask about it, anytime there's an ad- vanced price show at that theatre. There's no sense getting shafted forever. Supply Details For the past few years the sup- ply office for the ROTC has been down in the barracks area south- west of the men's dormitories. This was where students had to go to check out uniforms and books. Now, since old "Pneumonia Gulch" (as it was known wnen men still lived there) is being torn down to make way for the new Medical School, the supply depot is being moved. Showing a great amount of thoughtfulness for the ROTC lads, and perhaps, a desire to prepare them for the grueling ordeals of ten mile hikes, the sup- ply depot has been removed to a spot out past the stadium. The first day of school next fall will probably look like a mass refugee evacuation with students lugging their gear back toward town. But then, it's fairly close to the Stable, so who knows? Are you listen- ing, Senator? j.g. 9 Candidly Mizzou This photo doesn't mean a thing. The Feature Ed's girl wanted to pose, so what could we say? Besides, legs are more fun than people, depending on the people, of course. There are introverts and extraverts. These are the latter. Last month with tubas blaring oompahs all over the campus, the Annual High School Festival took over. Swami presents this picture without any comment. Right: Collegians inaugurate a great many fads, but we've been hearing rumors about this one for a number of weeks. However, this is the first time we've seen short pants for a formal dance. Either his tailor fouled up a press job, or this Sigma Chi is demonstrating the New Second Look in men's attire. (Also known as the "double-take" shorts- anyone who sees them does) If you've got bony knees, though, better stick to blue serge. Below: The MRHA had a Parent's Weekend, which was a howling success. (Mom and Dad ate in Crowder Hall and howled all night.) Seriously, all of the parents were overjoyed, and only a few of the guys griped because "they couldn't do any good with the folks looking on." All photos on these two pages by Al Smith Quite a few clowns were connected with Farmer's Fair, but here are only a couple. This photo with something for every member of the family indicates the varied enter- tainment. But, to finish off a per- fect evening, there was always a late swim in the Ag Pond. THE PRIVATE LIFE OF A BIG GAME AUTHOR MARK PARSONS by Roger Julin El toro glared at me across the ring. The huge black bastard snorted. He started to run toward me. His sharp, curved horns gleamed brightly in the late after- noon sunlight. The crowd held its breath as one man. The bull was nearer now, about 15 feet. I held the muleta and sword tightly in my sweating palms. This was it. The moment of truth. Man and beast must decide on the field of battle which is to live. Nearer surged the horns, gathering speed. I raised the sword. Set it at the right angle. Waited . "Oh, Ernest, will you come here a minute?" "But dear, I'm trying to write a new short story. Can't it wait?" "Ernest! Come here this in- stant!" "Yes dear." The big grizzled man with the grizzled skin, grizzled eyes, griz- zled beard and grizzled clothes got up from a grizzled desk, put away the typewriter and slowly moved out of the room, carefully stepping around 37 grizzled cats sleeping on the grizzled carpet. He sloughed down the corridor, heavy with Cuban summer heat, and went into the kitchen. MARK PARSONS "What do you want dear? I'm trying to write." "Oh? How nice. But Ernest, you know as well as as I do that you'll never amount to anything as a writer. You and all that swearing and sex and all that non- sense. Honestly, I wish you'd go out and get some work. Now shut up and wipe the dishes." "Yes dear." He was pouting. "But dear, what would the boys from the Thanatopsis Big Game, Deep Sea and Inside Straight Club say if they saw me like this? I'm supposed to be a he-man you know." A righteous sneer flitted self-consciously across his face while her back was turned. It vanished when she quickly turned around to face him. "Now listen, buster. That sort of business is all right for your agent to say, but don't try to give me any of that stuff. You know very well who wears the pants in this family. Now be careful with that dish. Mother sent it to us." "Yes dear." "And furthermore, you can give up all those crazy ideas right now about going back to Spain. As if you didn't have enough trouble back there 18 years ago. Why, I had to look after you all the time. And-" "But dear-" "Ernest! How dare you inter- rupt me?" "Sorry dear." "That's better. Why, you don't know how lucky you were that I rescued you that time you were lying wounded on a hill overlook- ing that cute little bridge. Imag- ine, you talked as if you didn't want to be rescued. You wouldn't let me take that machine gun from you and you kept muttering some- thing about bells. Honesty, some- times I think you're nuts." "But dear, think of the novel I got out of that episode." "Novel? Don't make me laugh! You know nobody ever read that thing." "But. But they made a movie out of it." "Oh, don't be silly. They just took the title. The movie wasn't even remotely like the book." "Yes. Yes, I guess you're right." "Of course, I'm right. I'm al- ways right. And don't you ever forget it." "Yes dear . . . I mean no dear." "And listen. The least you can do is keep that beard clean. I know you've been sneaking out and guzzling wine at those side- walk cafes because you slobber it all over your beard. I never did like it, anyway, but I had to make you grow it because of your silly receding chin." "Yes dear." That seemed all he could say. "And I called that fishing guide this morning and told him you aren't going out after that huge fish everybody is talking about. Even if you did catch him-and you couldn't without me to spit on the hook-you'd tire yourself out trying to bring him in. You're pretty flabby now, or haven't you noticed? Besides, when you catch a fish, the sharks always eat it before you can boat it. Honestly, sometimes I think those sharks are envious of you." "Good lord, why?" he mur- mured. "What was that?" "Er. Nothing, dear. Nothing." "Oh. By the way, I found that manuscript you w r o t e about Africa or something. Something about a panther or leopard found on a mountain or some such thing. You keep saying you're a writer, but you keep turning out such trash. I couldn't understand the thing so I threw it in the incinera- tor." "Why did you do that? Why? That was my best manuscript. It was all set to go to the publisher. Why? Why?" "Down, boy. You know your blood pressure also rises. I wish you would forget all this author business and settle down to work for a living. Heavens knows I practically support this family with my needlepoint." His rage had gradually dimin- ished. He knew it was no use. "But dear, I'm a big league, he- man author." "Don't be silly. He-man, hah! I'll never forget that day in the black hole you call Africa. You told the pilot you could fly and look what happened. Two plane crashes in one day and I had to carry you out of the bush on my back while you were sucking on my gin bottle!" His rage had soared back up to the boiling point. Now, for the first time in his life, he would stand to her. It finally had gone too far. He had taken just a little too much. The last straw. Now he couldn't be stopped. "Listen, Mary, I-" "Well, what is it? Don't mumble like a damned Spanish peon. What do you want?" "I-uh-I. I think this tea- cup is cracked." THE END 13 STATUTORY RAPE BARNEY KINKADE He hasn't got all his marble! "Damned H Bombs!" "Why didn't you think of that before you got on?" "American Airlines' DC-7's are fastest to California." Boas will be boas! "And I'd like you to meet my brother George." CYRANOSE Corky by Joe Gold (It is a theatre in which the lights have turned on, because a young man with an exceedingly long nose, has just thrown his large orange right through the screen. The manager is slightly teed off, and tries to get back at the man with the monstrosity by insulting him.) Manager Ah . your nose . . . barf! . well, your nose is . rather large! Cyranose Rather. Manager Oh, well- Cyranose (Playing it cool) Is that all? Manager (Turning back toward the pop- corn concession) Well, of course- Cyranose Ah, no, proud sir! You are too simple. Why you might have said- Oh, a great many things! Holy Cow! Why waste Your opportunity? For example, thus: - Benevolent: Why do you not cut it up in little bits And feed the starving masses in the dormitories? Descriptive: 'Tis the finest piece of Gothic Architecture in all of North America. Wary: Oh, I say-have you reg- istered This social function. You must, you know? Scientific: I knew they couldn't split the atoms Without some dread effects! Tell, me, sir, Does it pain you much? J-School: What a perfect location for An advertisement and it's already offset! Business School: Sir, what a fine place In which to keep your assets. Did you Finance it all by yourself? Arts and Science: Oh, Mrs. Whitt, will you be so kind As to place my stamp upon this Area of Concentration? Aggie: And how much silage can you store Within a barn so huge and red? Lawyer: I object to such an ob- ject being introduced As evidence. It is irrelevant and quite material. Engineering: And what, pray tell, is the square Root of such a monstrous sum? Does it come Equipped with a case all its own? Sociological: Does it not incite the crows to riot? Medical: Sir, in all my born days, I have never seen A thermometer with a built-in germ receptacle. Military: Take cover, men, behind yon mountain peak. Professor: I cannot allow you to take the quiz Until you remove your crib notes from their hiding place. Drunkard: Shay, buddy, I've heard about the Texas fifths, But thash the firsht one I ever saw. Student Government: We'll use it for a ballot box And let it stuff itself. Senatorial: I don't care on what amendment The fool thing stands. It's red! These, my dear sir, are things you might have said Had you but half a mind or half a wit To make your language plain. But understand I say these things about myself, and no one else May utter them without reprisal. And so, prepare To die. Manager My customers- Cyranose Damn your insolence! Be yours a fate that's worse than death. You shall Be forced to sit and see the films you show. Manager Oh, anything but that! Cyranose Turn out the lights And on with Mickey Mouse! (Curtain) 15 Robin, The Hood by Nancy, the Fairbanks Deep in the wilds of East St. Louis lived a kind bandit named Robin, the Hood. Robin was a big man in the protection racket. He took money from the rich shop- keepers and gave it to the poor hoodlums. The poor hoodlums. loved Robin, the Hood. Robin also owned all the crooked slot ma- chines and the Sherwood Club, a clip joint where small time gangsters and St. Louis tourists hung out. Sheriff Nottinggutt, a King's man, hated Robin. He said Robin, the Hood was wreck- ing the system by paying his gun- men union wages. The unions loved Robin. He donated half his income tax money to the unions. The "Feds" hated him. They weren't even getting their half. Robin's mob was called the "Mississippi Manglers." T h e y were smart. They wore blue suits. Blue suits are invisible in East St. Louis smoke. They were sharp. They had voted Republician in '52. They liked Ike, but they loved Robin, the Hood. Robin's second-in-command was Little John. Little John was six feet nine and weighed four hun- dred and seventy pounds. He had been a wrestler on KSD-TV until he was banned for dirty wrestling. He carried a knife. This was dirty. One day Robin, the Hood and Little John were at Fairmount Park fixing a few. They were traveling in disguise, because Sam Sherif Nottinggutt's men were casing the joint. They had left off their six foot key chains. "Say, what's all da activity, Boss?" asked Little John, as he pointed out a little old lady being hauled away for dropping a candy wrapper on the ground. "It's election time, ya bum. Dey gotta put on a show for da voters," said Robin, the Hood. Little John laughed. He knew it was useless to put on a show. Robin, the Hood, had already paid off the voters long ago. "Who's dem suspicious looking characters wid da sunglasses, overcoats, and turned down hats?" asked Robin, the Hood. "Dat's us, Boss. Yer lookin' in da mirror." "Say, dis is a good disguise. I can't even recognize myself." "Look, Robin, da Hood, dere's Sheriff Nottinggutt an' da King." Robin, the Hood spat contemp- tuously. Let's blow dis place." "Here, here, sir!" A young de- puty ran up and grapped Robin's arm. "I'll have to take you to jail. It's against the law to expectorate in the Park." "Little John" club- bed him and threw him into a vacant horse stall. "I've got you now, Robin, the Hood." Sheriff Nottinggutt was waving his arms. "Stop, or I'll shoot." He pulled out his gun. Bang. Bang. Bang! "Put down dat water pistol, Nottinggutt." Robin, the Hood whipped out his submachinegun. Ya-ta-ta. Ya-ta-ta-ta. Ya-ta-ta. "Pay your gunmen union scale, will ya, when mine only get state salaries? Take that!" shouted Not- tinggutt. He fired his sawed off shotgun. Boom. Boom. Boom. "You'll never get me, Notting- gutt. I'm da best shot in East St. Louis." Ya-ta-ta. Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-. "Watch yourself, King, ya bum," yelled Little John, as he threw his knife. Whoooosh! King put down his racing form and ducked behind a hot dog stand. "Tear my racing form, will you, fat peasant?" he shouted. And he hurled a large stone. Zooom! "I've got you surrounded, Robin, the Hood," yelled the Sheriff. "Surrender, while you can!" Boom, boom, boom! "You'll never get me alive, you (Continued on page 27) MISSOURI THEATRE CINEMA SCOPE Catalina THE BLUE SHOP Collins "Ruby and Cotton" A Classic Centerspread by Chip Martin ROMANO'S Coca-Cola Coca-Cola Bottling Co. of Columbia Swami ' s Snorts Father: My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother. Will you be able to say the same thing to your son? Son: Yes, but not with such a straight face. * * Father to small boy dragging top half of bikini bathing suit along the beach: "Now show Daddy exactly where you found it . Mistress (to departing maid): Haven't we always treated you like one of the family? Maid: Yes, and I'm not going to stand it any longer. Life is just an everlasting strug- gle to keep money coming in and teeth and hair and vital organs from coming out. A baby rabbit had been annoy- ing its mother all day. Finally in exasperation she said, "Stop ask- ing questions, you were pulled out of a magician's hat." You know, they also have a slo- gan in Russia: "Vote for the party. The life you save may be your own." Columbia Barber: You say you've been here before. I don't re- member your face. Student: Probably not. It's healed up now. The attractive, voluptuous Anna, A babe from the town of Havana, Sleeps alone in her bed With a toothbrush that's red . Won't somebody give her Ipana? CORRECTION The admission price listed in last month's ad for the Broadway Drive-In at 60c should have been 75c. Swami apologizes. Swami ' s Snorts Mother: Don't use such bad words, dear. Son: But Chaucer used them. Mother: Well, don't you play with him then. * * * "Hadn't you better go and tell your father?" said the motorist to the farmer's boy who stood looking at the load of hay in the lane upset by a collision. "He knows," replied the boy. "Knows? How can he know?" "He's under the hay." "Hello, is this the Smith apart- ment. . . . Well, I'm MacTavish, in the apartment below. . . . Lis- ten, it's three in the morning and your party has kept me awake all night. . . Now, I don't mind the shrieking and pounding and music and stamping and banging and singing that's been going on up there, but for heaven's sake, put more sugar in that Tom Collins that's dripping through my ceil- ing!" Freshman: May I kiss you? Coed: Hmph. Another amateur! Ed: I saw you running to class alongside your bicycle. Ned: Yeah, I was late and didn't have time to get on. * * * Said the masochist to the sadist, "Hit me." Said the sadist to the masochist, "No." * * "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" Delt: Say, they tell me you take milk baths. Why? S.A.E.: Can't find a cow tall enough for a shower. * * * Golfer (looking toward the next green): "That's good for one long drive and a putt." He gave his club a mighty swing, blasted up about two inches of sod, and managed to get the ball about three feet from the tee. The caddy stepped forward, hand- ed him the putter and sugg- ested, "Now for one helluva putt." BROADWAY DRIVE-IN THEATRE Nathe Chevrolet Inc. PLUG "If" by Crudyard Tippling If you can keep your bar when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can smile at fate when deans are out to get you, And never think the good old days are through; If you can date and not get tired of waiting, Or being lied about don't give a damn, Or nearly poisoned say nought insinuating, About the dormitory's moldy ham: If you can crib and not make books your master; If you can neck-and not make sex your aim; If you can meet with Matthews and Disaster And remain in classes just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted to make a noose with which you're hung, Or watch the scotch you sold your books for, broken, And stoop and lap it up with worn out tongue; If you can goof twelve weeks of one semester And risk it on one chance of pass or flunk, And fail, and not transfer to Westminster, And not go out and get your- self dead drunk; If you can force your brain and nerve and sinew To hold you up long after you're real gone, And so stand up when there is no more in you Except the Will which says to them, "Barf on!" If you can brave the Hink and keep your virtue, Or walk with Queens nor lose the common clutch, If neither pleas nor threats nor F's can hurt you, If all girls count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds worth of chug-a-lug, Yours is the school and every- thing that's in it, And-which is more,-you'll be a Greek, you mug. joe gold BALFOUR BEAUTY NEWMAN'S JEWELRY Barbara Britchie Up from the Ozarks rich with corn There where the homemade still was born Stands the University Greenwalled by the hills of Mo- berly Round about it students plod The city hood and the country clod. Fair was the garden of MU To the eyes of the wild-eyed re- bel crew On that pleasant night in early May When the panty raiders were on the way Along the Strollway, going all Car and foot toward Johnston Hall. Up rose old Barbara Britchie then Bowed in her four score years and ten Bravest house mother in the town. She put up the shades that the girls hauled down; In her attic window herself she set To show one housemother stead- fast yet. Up the street came the rebel tread The Tiger Squadron marching ahead. The leader glared from left to right 'What's this?" The old bag met his sight. "Halt!" The student ranks stood still; "Beware!" He said. "It's Barnacle Bill." Dame Barbara knew it was her chance; She snatched, a pair of silken pants. "Shoot if you must this old gray head But spare the lingerie," she said. The noble nature within him stirred To life at that woman's deed and word. "Who shooteth a hole in yon gray head Gets the first pair of pants! March on!" he said. So all night long they stormed the wall And stole the pants off Johnston Hall, And over Barbara Britchie's grave Is the pair of pants she dared to wave. But the work of the good house mother is o'er For the panty raiders raid no more. They didn't know when the raid began They would finish raiding for Uncle Sam. Nancy Fairbanks Three Ways To End A Dinner Conversation: 1. Ask the lady on your right if she's married. Should she say "yes" ask her if she has any chil- dren. If she says "no" ask her how she does it. 2. Ask the lady on your left if she's married. If she says "no" ask her if she has any children. 3. Ask the lady across from you if she has any children. If she says "yes" ask her if she's married. -Malden Press A girl who tries to talk her boy friend into buying her a silk night- gown usually ends up with her boy friend trying to talk her out of it. Ed: Do you know why the little bee didn't stop at the Gulf sta- tion? Ned: No. Ed: 'Cause he was an ESSO bee. Some girls proclaim their beauty from the hose tops. Perfume salesgirl to blonde: "Just a word of advise, honey, don't use this stuff if you're only bluffing." "But darling, I couldn't elope tomorrow-I have two cuts al- ready." 23 Mark Dang it, George! How many times have we to d you, "Don't stand up in the boat!" JUST JAZZ by Jack Gleason TED HEATH AT THE LONDON PAL- LADIUM (Vol. 3) (BEP 6121- LONDON) Dark Eyes Solitude I Got It Bad Eloquence We Americans have a tendency to think of all the British as quiet, conservative literates who like no- thing but longhair sounds, crum- pets and tea. Perhaps so, to an ex- tent; at least until Ted Heath formed his ork at the end of the war and we became acquainted with him. He won the admiration of the British public through ver- satility of style and excellent musical taste, and is beginning to affect Americans in the same way. Just one of the many chores that the band undertook was a weekly (Sunday afternoon) gig at the London Palladium; when record- ings of these concerts hit stateside- American jazz fans sat up and took notice. This one is typical. On the Dark Eyes and Got It Bad side the big (17 piece) band backs up Don Lusher on trombone, while on the flip side Leslie Gil- bert steps into the spotlight. Al- though the solos aren't quite up to U. S. improvisational standards, you will want this album in your collection if only because of the band's smooth, fresh sound. CHET BAKER QUARTET FEATURING Russ FREEMAN (EP4-9-PACIFIC JAZZ) The Thrill Is Gone All The Things You Are Moon Love Long Ago And Far Away Here's that man again. Chet Baker, this time with his own group, blows both fast and slow, but always cool. His rich, thick tone (with a trace of vibrato now and then) dominates throughout, and the rest of the quartet (Russ Freeman, piano, Carson Smith, bass, and Larry Bunker, drums) back him ably. Composer-pianist Freeman in particular seems to understand Baker's capabilities and style completely, which is essential to Chet's (or anyone else's, for that matter) freedom of interpretation. Moon Love is slow, very slow, and, for lack of a better descriptive term, sexy. Far Away is up tempo, and is in direct contrast with The Thrill, which is soft, melancholy, and mood provoking. All The Things has a good beat, and drives right down through the last chorus. You will like this well-rounded group of four standards done up in the fine Baker manner. PAUL SMITH QUARTET (EP 102- SKYLARK) FST Got A Penny September Song Hey, Sam Pianist Paul Smith, whose name may have become familiar to you through his work on name vocal waxings and the Dinah Shore and Johnny Mercer radio shows, has assembled here for your pleasure (and, incidentally, to sell records) a quartet consisting of Smith, drummer Irv Cottler, bassist Sam Cheifetz, and guitar man Tony Rizzi. September Song is done up with a latin flavor and features Rizzi. FST (for fine, sweet and tasty) is a jump tune written by ex-vocalizing piano man Nat "King" Cole, who led the great King Cole Trio. (Nat has in the last few years become, unfortu- nately, artist Nat Kommercial Cole) And he manages to get his name all over this album, I sup- pose, just for composing FST. Penny and Sam have tricky themes with a good beat remini- scent of the aforementioned (now defunct) trio. Maybe Cole was ED FARBER Man, you are the craziest! in on this recording date after all. But it's still worth the money- the album, that is STAN KENTON PORTRAITS ON STANDARDS (EBF-462-CAPITOL) You And The Night Reverie I've Got You Under My Skin Autumn In New York April In Paris How High The Moon Crazy Rhythm I Got It Bad A column of this type couldn't remain in existence long without this name popping up. Stan Ken- ton has strived, ever since his first band was formed in the early for- ties, to educate the public in mod- ern and ultra-modern jazz. He has been able to attain this end without being too commercial, perhaps, because he can afford to. Nevertheless, most of the names on top of the jazz heap today are alumni of past Kenton aggrega- tions. This album isn't the newest. Unfortunately, I couldn't recom- mend his latest, This Modern World, to anyone, because it was quite wild, to say the least. But on these sides he takes standards that everyone else cuts, and comes up with some of his most recent band's best sounds. THE LIONEL HAMPTON QUARTET (EP-203-CLEF) S'Wonderful Always Man, talk about all-star casts . this is the all-star quartet to end all all-star quartets. They should call this one the Lionel Hampton -Oscar Peterson-Buddy Rich- Ray Brown This Is The End Fab- ulous Four to distinguish it from other richly described groups. It was assembled by another big name in the music biz: Norman Granz. As you might have guessed by now, they really "go" on a couple of fine oldies-Gershwin's S'Wonderful and Berlin's Al- ways. Peterson's right hand fairly dances; Lionel and Oscar have little eight bar "wars"; Brown takes solos. If you have a 33 or a 3-speed record player, buy the whole LP. If only a 45, buy this one first, the others in the series later, because this outfit really swings. THE END TEXACO TOWN STARK CAVERNS I'm a independent myself. Chip Martin Stuff "Tired? Nervous? Rundown? Come to heavenly Hawaii for that fabulous vacation you've been waiting for. Bask on the beaches under a relaxing sun. Listen to the pounding of the surf on romantic moonlit nights. And for the sports-minded, there's." DICK NOEL PLUG "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" "Say, Fred, I'd like you to meet the chug-a-lug champion of Cramer Hall." KINKADE ROBIN, THE HOOD (Continued from page 17) two-bit politi . . .Ugggg!" Robin fell to his knees, bleeding. "Dey got me-and wid a rock, too. Me, de best shot in East St. Louis." A fair maiden ran out of the winner's circle. "Oh, Robin, da Hood," she cried, "Dey got ya." "Dey got me, Gertie. I'm dyin' fast." "You was a big man in da rackets, Robin, da Hood. All da poor hoodlums loved ya. You paid 'em union wages . " "I'm dyin' fast, Gertie. Be sure me old mudder gets me bullet proof Cadillac, and don't tell her what a shameful end I come to. All her udder sons got hung or shot wid bullets." "We'll miss ya," cried the fair maiden. You was a good hood." "I'm breadin' my last. Give my submachinegun to Little John. "Don't die yet, Robin,. All da poor hoodlums love ya, and ya ain't left me nothin' yet." "You git my diamond stick pin, Gertie. The one Al Capone gived me when I was taken into da Gangster's International. I was a big man in dis city in dose days, but I'm dyin' now." "Who gits yer money, Robin, da Hood?" "Da "Feds', who d'ya think? I ain't gonna be sent down fer in- come tax evasion." And with that, Robin, the Hood, expired, and all the poor hood- lums wept. THE END Definitions: Bachelor: A rolling stone who gathers no boss. Courtroom: Hall of blame. Gold Digger: A woman who falls in love at purse sight. Tact: Making a blind date feel that it's her you're sorry for. Quartet: Where all four think the other three can't sing. Flattery: Art of pretending you like the girl more than the kiss. Hula Dancer: A shake in the grass. Marriage: That something that begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink. PARKADE DRIVE-IN THEATRE Moon Valley Villa LYLE'S GARAGE The Black And Gold Bradys Paint & Glass Co. Columbia WHAT TO READ Tail of Two Cities, by Easy Pickins Loosey divides her time be- tween Minneapolis and St. Paul working as an entertainer. Her boss, Pimply Pearson has connec- tions with the syndicate. Every- body is going just the way Pimply likes, when he introduces Loosey to Mr. Darnya. Darnya lives on the other side of town, but Loosey tells him that she will go along for the ride. At the end of the book, Loosey compliments Darnya by telling him "It is a far, far better thing I do than any I have done before." Darnya returns the com- pliment. Shortly after that, Darn- ya not only falls in love with Loo- sey, but kind of loses his head over her. One of the interesting sidelights of the book is the novel bookkeep- ing system of Pimply Pearson. To avoid detection by the feds, Pim- ply weaves all records of procure- ments and receipts into hand- loomed rugs. Uncle Tom's Cabin Still, by Harriet Beechnut Gum Uncle Tom is a kind old man who makes the best home made corn liquor in the hills. Despite the fact that his business is grow- ing at an intoxicating rate, Uncle Tom is not happy. He is constant- ly worrying about the old family recipe he left back in "Old Ken- tuck". It is a cold winter's day in the hills. Uncle Tom is sleeping off the effects of having boiled-off a batch, and Eliza is hiding the jugs under the floor. Suddenly, Eliza sees a band of Revenuers headed by Agent Simon Legree III, com- ing through the woods. Eliza knows that the Revenuers will never find the hidden hooch, but there is no time to hide the one remaining jug. The scene that fol- lows is one of the book's strong- est, as Eliza races barefooted across the frozen river clutching the jug of evidence, with the third Legree and his bloodhounds in hot pursuit. This book is of historical note for the tremendous effect it had on public opinion toward the re- peal of prohibition. David Copperhead, by Whatthe Dickens David Copperhead lives with his Uncle Mongoose, who seems out to get him. One day, Mon- goose catches David and his girl friend Vera Viper drinking purple venom in the meadow, and calls Vera a snake-in-the-grass. David Copperhead quickly strikes back with a venomous retort. From there on, the book is interesting reading as David Copperhead and his Uncle Mongoose battle it out with bared fangs. -Warren Murry half baked by Lindy Baker This is a short epic dedicated to the greatest of all rationaliza- tion processess known to man, but known mostly to women. "Why He Didn't Call!" 1.) HE'S STUDYING TONIGHT -If this were true for the other times he didn't call, why isn't he a Phi Bete by now, or at least graduate with his own class two years ago? 2.) HE'S SAVING HIS MONEY -This sounds fairly logical until that small, still voice within you -or the girl you can't stand next door-asks sourly, "For what?" The brutal truth, of course, is that he HAS to save his money and borrow more if he wants to keep dating that Stephens Suzie morn- ing, noon and night, day in and day out, seven days a week. 3.) HE THINKS I'M MAD AT HIM-Nonsense. How can he pos- sibly remember that far back to your last date? And as for him being mad at you, what's his kick anyway-you call him regularly every night. 4.) HE WENT HOME THIS WEEK-END-Unless he owns a fast jet, he'd never make it home to Borneo in two days (he came here just for Journalism, will graduate in June from Business School). 5.) THE GIRLS SIMPLY AREN'T CALLING ME TO THE PHONE - This holds together pretty well until the phone stops ringing and you are all alone in the dorm for the rest of the even- ing. 6.) HE MIGHT BE SICK IN BED -With what and with whom? The Ag palms have been carted away until Graduation, and Jour- nalism Week has been here and gone until next spring. Thank Goodness, I'll be gone by next spring too. Just think, no more hour-long speeches on the same theme, "How-happy-I-Am-to-be- here-at-Missouri-although-I-went- to -Northwestern-myself-and-that- reminds-me-of-a-funny-story-or- w h y you-all-come-to-Missouri's- Journalism-School." But I man- aged to while away the hours pleasantly, day-dreaming about the speech I would make ten years from now. First of all I would saunter casually across the stage in a simple Jacques Fath gingham, dragging a 24-yard mink stole- summer weight-behind me. Then I would smile mysteriously at the bald, middle-aged man in the front row and murmur something about how interesting my work was. My advice? Just follow the rules of the desk book, kiddies, Missourian style all the way. Well, farewell, old alma mater. So long to cold beer and smoky fires on the Hink, good-bye to long Sunday afternoons at the Stables, toodle-loo to trying to find enough room to dance in at the Tiger, the nights you thought everyone else would be at the Coronado, bye-bye to hours of bridge and coffee at the Union while classes were going on and adieu to those rainy Friday nights at the Den. Looking back after four years, I feel sort of sad to be leaving. Gosh, how I wish SOMEBODY had asked me for a date while I was in school. I bet I could have really enjoyed doing those things too. THE END 29 Dick Noel "Come here, little boy." "Common" Bizet's Opera With An All Star Plaster Cast As the opera opens, Pvt. Don Josy returns from an expense-paid tour of the Orient to marry Maggie, the pure, sweet thing he left behind him. He enters the Club Bizet in L.A. and is immediately spied by Com- mon, the cigarette girl, who gets the hots for him. She tries to woo him with the beautiful torch song, "Come On-A My House." She then showers him with free cigarettes. Don is impressed. But later, walking the streets, Don Josy is haunted by the images of Maggie and Common and is torn between the. good, clean love he feels for Maggie and the sinful pas- sion which Common inspires. Fin- ally, he is won over to Common by the prospect of free butts for the rest of his life. Meanwhile back at the Club, after Don has made the audience cry with his love song, "I Wanna Be Evil," the plot is thickening. Escalator enters, singing the virtues of his profession, wrestling. Common gets the double hots for him and is ready to drop the Army at a moment's notice, but Escalator, who is in training, is not to be enticed with cig- arettes. Common is crushed and resigns herself to Don Josy as Escalator exits. Characters - Courtesy of Missouri Workshop Script . . . Milas Hurley In reality the Club Bizet is a gambling den, but the feds have been clued in, and a raid seems on the make. So, at the right, when Pvt. Josy returns, Com- mon persuades him to gambol in the woods with her, as she sings "We'll Go Tiptoeing Through the Tulips." The two lam out as the cops arrive. But, below, once in the woods, things don't go well. Don Josy has a social disease - athlete's foot. Maggie appears and tells Don he must come back to the farm, since the horse is sick. Escalator also appears to drag Common back to the Arena for his match with El Toro. He feels she will be a good luck piece. All "Common" Photos by Al Smith Right: The finale takes place outside the Arena. Pvt. Josy enters singing, "You Can't Keep 'Em Down on the Farm." He pleads with Common to return. He promises to use Ting. She refuses, and he whips out his javelin and shafts her. As the crowd leaves the Arena, they find Don Josy sob- bing and smoking Common's last king-size. It says here: "Even in the old days, gals bought their cottons at Julie's." THE PIZZA HOUSE Swami's Snorts Tom: What's the matter with that wheelbarrow? Sid: Broke. Tom: Who broke it? Sid: Hired man. Tom: Same hired man who got your daughter in trouble last year? Sid: Yep. Clumsy, ain't he? The little darling wanted very much to wear her mother's girdle -but she didn't have the guts. * * A credulous Scotchman emi- grated to Reno because he'd heard that's where women were made free. "Papa, there was a man here to see you today." "Did he have a bill?" "No, just an ordinary nose." Mrs. Vanderdam was giving a bridge party when the patter of tiny feet was heard from the head of the stairs. "Hush," she said softly, "the children are going to give their good-night message. It always gives me such a sentimental feel- ing to hear them." There was a moment of expect- ant silence; then, shrilly, "Mam- ma! Percy found a bedbug!" First roomate: Say, old boy, can you let me have five . Second roommate: No . First roommate: . . . minutes of your time? Second roommate: . . . trouble at all. Elegy Written in a Noisy Coffee- shop The boast of Terrace tea, the pompous Tower, And all that Cowan, all alums e'er praised, Awaits alike the inevitable hour, The paths of glory lead to fees soon raised. j.g. filched PELICAN "I knew this would happen sooner or later." "Sometimes I get the urge to say the hell wiht the whole goddam business." -Banter IS IT BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX? -Lyke - Unknown Vedenoky DRAKE'S DRIVE-IN GB Friesedieck Bros. J. Johnson Fruit & Produce Co. Columbia, Missouri Swami ' s Snorts Lectures are like steer horns-a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. Every one in my family was a good swimmer but poor Jake. He was killed in a dive on the west side. * * * He who horses around too much may find himself a groom. * * * A fugitive scientist from a Boris Karloff horror picture dreamed up a serum that would bring in- animate objects to life. He sur- reptitiously tried it out on the statue of a great general in Cen- tral Park. Sure enough, the statue gave a quiver and a mo- ment later the general, creaking a bit in the joints, climbed down from the pedestal. The scientist was over joyed. "I have given you life," he exulted. "Now tell me, General, what is the first thing you are going to do with it?" "That's easy," rasped the Gen- eral, ripping a gun from his hol- ster. "I'm going to shoot about two million pigeons!" * * * To hell with the expense. Give that canary another seed! One of the local waitresses kept scratching her nose as she took an order. "Do you have eczema?" inquir- ed the customer. She replied, "No special orders, just what's on the menu." There was an old rooster named Brewster, A vehement birth-control booster, His wives would object For they knew in effect Brewster couldn't give like he Use-ter. Sam: Aw, baby, where's your heart? Agnes: Straight down my neck, first turn to the left. Old Iron Heart Aye tear her battered letters off. Long have they graced the door. Many an eye is sad to see, That parties are no more. Inside the frat where once they sang The wreckroom now is still. The Dean of Men found drinking there And sent them over the hill. No more shall feel the coed's tred Nor know T.G.I.F. The harpies of the school came in, And party days have left. Oh better this beloved house Had housed a Beta crew. Another party frat had gone The way of Sigma Nu. So wrap the loyal beer mugs up, That served you when you laughed, And give them to Old Iron Heart, Who gave the social shaft. Nancy Fairbanks Coed, Coed, spurning night On the Hinkson, getting tight, What immoral hand or eye Might see wherein you falsify? -Flake Dick Noel "Go away, little boy! Shoo! Dammit, I don't want a squashed toad!" LAFTER THOUGHTS Corky Mizzou Fever I must go down to Mizzou again, to the Shack and to the Stein, And all I ask is a pitcher of beer and a jug or two of wine, And the students life and a wild night filled so much with drink, And a Stephens babe and a blan- ket soft to place out on the Hink I must go down to Mizzou again, for the call of the coming spring Is a wild call and a student's call and a promise of a sing, And all I ask is a friend or two that like to sip the grape, And the Tiger Club and a night in the Den to act like a thirsty ape. I must go down to Mizzou again to that crazy, mixed-up school, To the students' way and the coed's way, where everything is cool, And all I ask is a party wild and a session at the Stable, And then I'll come back home again, providing that I'm able. -Les Gibbs 35 CHIP MARTIN "Now, remember, Gawain, you're a knight!" Andy' s Corner Al Smith Showme Studio Contributors' Page barbara bryant Just to prove to her older broth- er, a Savitar staffer, that college students don't have to sink to such degrading lows, Barbara Bryant went right out and got a job as business secretary for Swami her first semester here at Mizzou. Her brother's not talking now-or even speaking-but Barbara is, and she says she just loves her job-"you meet such fascinating characters, dissipated fellas and mostly no-good bums." It's not just the cartoonists, either. A lot of them are writers, too. Still dewy-eyed at nineteen, Barbara continues to believe in such fairy stories as Santa Claus, fair examinations and the wealth of talent to be found on the SHOW- ME staff. Even if she couldn't type her name, they would keep her around for this reason alone. But mostly for her nice smile. A freshman, in education, Bar- bara thinks of Carrolton, Missouri when anyone mentions home. Otherwise Johnston Hall is the place where she hangs her hat and gloves. She claims she has no spectacular hobbies, other than shrinking a few human heads to hang on her bulletin board, "just to give the room a little color, don't you know." Her roommate is feverishly trying to get her in- terested in collecting snapshots like the other girls, but, as of this last writing, Barbara still hadn't bought a camera. bill howard Sprawled expansively on a money-stuffed mattress and near- ly hidden by heavy clouds of cigar smoke, Diamond Bill Howard gave out with a few astute point- ers on how to get ahead in the business world. First thing, of course, is to have one. And to remember it pays to be honest. And even more to be dishonest. But best of all, to become Swami's Sales manager. A mature-look- ing nineteen, Bill has spent the last two semesters being Swami's right hand man-the one nearest to his billfold pocket-and keep- ing a wary eye on his left hand- the one nearest his checkbook. This is all a throwback to his childhood spent in Al Capone's own stomping ground, Oak Park, Chicago and now as a youth squandered over in Business School, he tells people he's major- ing in Banking and Finance. His professors are going ahead with plans now to promote him to junior status as soon as he learns to count past ten. It seems the only way he can manage is when he sees the number printed on dollar bills and is allowed to keep all the ones he can count. A smart lad, he really has all the instincts of a senior. For extra-curricular hobbies, Bill likes all kinds of sports-he lives a few in the burned out ruins of the DU house-and "Fije" parties. Swami Wants You Write? Draw? Sell Ads? Sell Mags? Tell Jokes? You meet such interesting people at 302 Read Hall Dick Noel Camel Cigarettes