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Missouri Showme October, 1954; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1954

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Missouri Showme Cramer Hall 25 cents Gung Ho Issue Budweiser Schepper's Distributing Company Pucketts THE PIZZA HOUSE BARTH CLOTHING CO., INC. Letters Dear Editor, Up here in Alaska we don't have no humor. We don't have no women . . . in fact we don't have no nothing, except lots of ice and snow. Could you please send me a copy of your last issue and a years subscription to warm our little hearts? Pfc. John Dunbar Fairbanks, Alaska We are sending you one year's subscription to warm your little heart and a blanket to warm your little . . . Ed. Dear Editor, I'd like to know why cover artist Barney Kinkade chose to use Calvert's whiskey on the cover of the May "Let's Go to the Ozarks" issue. Mary Beaman Columbia, Mo. Barney, who is lin the service now, says that Calvert's is his favorite and besides he noted the resemblance to the Ozark type on a fishing trip down thataway . . . Ed. Dear Ed: You've got a good mag. It's pret- ty funny. Make it nastier, I like it that way. The dirtier, the bet- ter. The only thing hot around here is the weather. Send me a year's subscription to the hot mag at once. Ernest H. Bangkok, S. Africa Thanks for the compliment, Ernie. We're sending you nine issues and an ice-cube to keep you cool . . . unless you already have one ... Ed. Dear Sir: Why don't you print more pic- tures of pretty girls? We men down here rarely get to see good specimens of pulchritude. Why not run a few pictures of Mari- lyn Monroe? You'd be in like Flynn with us. A 7c Richard Lewis A 7cDonald Rettin San Antonio, Texas Why run pictures? Let's run Marilyn and be in like Joe with her . . . Ed. Dear Editor, Why don't you'all stop running that awful "Susie Stephens" car- toon each month? It is degrading and downright terrible how Uni- versity boys already have pre- formed impressions of us before they even meet us over here. They think we're nothing but a lot of frustrated old floozies with false airs. Name Withheld Stephens College The truth hurts, doesn't it? . . . Ed. Dear Editor, I'd like to be a member on the staff of Showme. I can tell jokes, sing, play a piano and I just love to drink beer. I also have a collection of butterflies, if that'll help. Here's one of my original jokes: Man: Who was that lady I saw you with last night? 2nd Man: That was no lady, that was my shaggy dog! Hilarious, isn't it? Nancy Clearslope Columbia, Mo. Hilarious, yes! We'll send you an invitation someday . .. Ed. Dleal Editol, Eveltime my woman lead Show- me, she makee me feel fonny. Whlat should I do? Me Hy Too China Eat Whleaties, you nlumbsklull . . . Editol. STARK CAVERNS Andy's Corner COCA-COLA BOTTLING CO. Miller's Editor's Ego Usually an editor finds it dif- ficult to step down after a year at the helm. Usually he can't imagine anyone else doing his job as well as he. However, as you probably learned in gram- mar school English - "Every rule has its exception." The new editor of SHOWME is a good- looking guy named Chip Mar- tin. And for the past year Chip- per was one of those "chips- down" guys who made the edi- tor's job that much easier. When something had to be done, even if it meant three in the morn- ing, we knew Mrs. Martin's (Chip's married to a cute little brunette named Patti) pride and joy would be there with a brush and drawing board, or a type- writer and some copy paper. Chip's 24 years old and origi- nally from the land of Pender- gast in Kansas City. Wyandotte High School, the Air Force and Kansas City Junior College all came before Mizzou. In summers past Chipper worked for the KC Star as a reporter and even, for a brief interlude, as a photog- rapher. As he tells it, the crack photographer was ill, and Harry Truman was dedicating some- thing or making a speech (when Chip starts a story, you've got to sit back and relax, and some- times you miss a detail or two). Anyway, Chip told the editor he could take pictures, even though he had never worked with a press camera before. As Mr. Truman posed for pictures after- wards, Chipper got a rival pho- tographer to load his camera for him and show him which but- tons to press. After he'd ruined a few shots and the President was getting a little tired of Chip's repeated requests for "just one more," he finally got his picture, and probably saved his journalis- tic career from halting right then and there. His first year at the old State U. Chip did very little besides joining a social organization in Greektown, and doing a bit of writing for the campus newspa- per. Then, in the fall of '53 Chip accosted us, and offered to help sell SHOWME. Since the Tower was such a bitterly cold place and editors like to have com- pany (or protection) when they sell their magazine, Chip joined the staff as a salesman. About two days later, we learned that he was an artist, when he brought about twenty cartoons to the office. Chipper soon learn- ed the editor's plaintive wail, "It's been done!", as all twenty went the way of all original art- work. But when Mr. Martin, un- daunted, went home and drew up some more, we knew we had something. In a few short issues, Chip went from cartoonist to art edi- tor, and then surprised the hell out of everybody by coming up with a couple of solid short sto- ries. With talent like that on the hoof, Chip immediately became our right hand man. And now, he's contracted campus headache, number one - editor of SHOW- ME. Anyway, Chip, it's all yours, and I hope you can find as de- pendable a right hand man as I had. That's when the job seems worthwhile. Joe Staff EDITOR Chip Martin EDITOR EMERITUS Joe Gold ASSOCIATE EDITOR Warren Murray BUSINESS MANAGER Jerry Powell ADVERTISING Barbara Breisch Bob "Bear" Brown Art Rausch ART EDITOR Mark Parsons PUBLICITY DIRECTOR: Marjean Gidens Bob Wallace CIRCULATION Bill Howard EXCHANGES Pat Peden SUBSCRIPTIONS Helen Mortenson JOKE EDITOR Judy Jenkins ART STAFF Jack Missouri Showme Gung-Ho Goodies HOW TO BE A B.M.O.C. A pitcher page for all those nimble-brained neophytes who have great ambitions BUMMIN' AROUND Little Betsy DuBois makes her debut with a running commentary about her impression of the big college TEMPTATION Her mother never told her the things a young girl should know . . but she soon found out-- --- HOW TO PICK A ROOMMATE If you haven't already picked yours, here are some helpful hints which may make college life more, shall we say, interesting? THE CLOCK STRIKES GUNG Marcus proves to be a real trouper and shows us that with three days of blood-shot eyes and a fifth of bourbon, you can turn out a gung-ho centerspread . . __ A BLIND DATE AT MIZZOU A gung-ho art page showing the possible and impossible situations that one can be- come involved in (d.p.) ...------. A LETTER TO THE FOLKS The well-read Les Gibbs tells us all about Homer the Jock and how he gets along and along and along MOE'S MALARKY Warren Murry's first (and perhaps, last) column about peeple ------------ Volume 31 October 1954 Number 1 About This Month's Cover Barney Kinkade, one of Swami's best and most loyal artists of last year, topped off his career with Showme with our first cover of the year and the first cover to ever be done in oils. Always having been a willing worker, Barney offered his ser- vices for our first issue, even though he was drafted into the army this past sum- mer. We feel this cover will remain' one of Swami's best. SHOWME is published nine times, October through June, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Offices 302 Read Hall, Colum bia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City. Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. 302 Read Hall. Blessings on you, little child . Bean-brain frosh with face so green. You think you're really running wild You are . . right smack into the dean! 6 Around The Columns Overheard "Well, if you really want to have a battle of wits," said the cute blonde coed, "go shoot your brains out, and we'll start even." Fall Soliloquy The dog days of August have barked their last . . .crisp, cool nights have replaced the swelter- ing toss-and-turn of summer sleeplessness, Columbia awakens . .merchants dust off their shelves as business begins to hum again . . . registration sails by in a haze of red tape . . classes run into classes and another semester is underway . . . 7:40 is too damn early for a lecture . . . but, as they say in the movie biz, "CUT!" News Beat An item in the Post-Dispatch that appeared last spring ,too late to get into last year's "Col- umns" is worth repeating even now. A St. Louis news vendor came into City Court on charges of blocking traffic "by running into the street to sell papers to motorists." Police said that he "weaves in and out of traffic even at rush hours and slows the flow of cars at the busy corner." Said the news vendor, "I don't weave in and out of traffic. I push that button and stop the traffic." He explained that "that" button was a manu- ally controlled "walk light." The judge was flabbergasted. "You mean," asked the judge, "you stop traffic every time you want to run out and sell a pa- per?" "Sure," replied the vendor. "How else am I going to get into the street if I don't? You think I want to get killed?" The . . th . . that's all, folks! Swim Suit vs Law Suit This past summer we were in- side a women's clothing store (fascinating, men, absolutely fascinating!) when the store man- ager came rushing up to the owner. The manager was red in the face and had that wild look in his eyes that only came to a man who has gone down twice and who is just about ready for dip number three. He was car- rying a white bathing suit and waved it about dramatically as he spoke. "I don't know what to do," he said. "This is the second com- plaint I've gotten! What can I do?" When the owner finally calm- ed him down, we got the story out of him. It seems that the particular brand bathing suit he was flourishing about his head had turned transparent the first time it had gotten wet. And it was the second such complaint! Proving once again our devotion above and beyond the call, we quickly inquired how many such suits had been sold and on learn- ing that a large number might even now be on the beach, we raced off, swimming trunks in hand, for the nearest body of water. Nothing compares with a formerly white suit - except, perhaps, a form in a transpatent suit! Hoo, boy! Summer Sulkies Have you ever had that urge to make a little easy money? And perhaps, when the urge hit you, there was a race track nearby? And maybe you put a couple of dollars on some nag's nose? Gambler! One of the things we have always enjoyed during the summertime is going out to watch the trotters after a hard day's work. Somehow you forgot how hard it was to earn the money that's burning a hole in your pocket. And then you get a tip. Sure thing! Can't miss. This ba- by will make those other milk horses look like they're walking. So what happens? The horse loses. But last summer was dif- ferent. It was the seventh race at Roosevelt Raceway, and we were down to our last two bucks. As the horses paraded before the double-tiered grandstand, w e were ready to leave. And then we saw it. Scott Blackstone was his name - an old friend from the banked track at Northville Downs in Michigan. And as he walked past, he looked at us - and winked! Yes, he did! We didn't believe it at first, but when he came around on the second warmup, looked directly at us, winked again and nodded his 7 head three times, we scampered off to the two dollar window as fast as our lanky legs could car- ry us. Clutching a win ticket, we returned to the rail and settled down to watch Scott Blackstone breeze'home in front. As a mat- ter of fact, they had to send the starting car out after him so that the eighth race could get off on time. As our old friend ambled by on his final - and solo-lap he looked directly into our tear- stained face, hiccuped once, and shrugged his shoulders. MORAL: Banks pay anywhere from 2½/ to 3% interest. Advice to the Neophyte (Ed. Note: Having looked up the above word, I find there is nothing smutty about it, so get your mind out of the gutter). The Freshman, entering college is struck with the great dissimi- larity between it and his former home life. He needs, as it were, a guiding hand to point out the ways in which he may quickly make himself a member of the crowd. Swami, benevolent little busybody that he is, takes it up- on himself to take the Freshman in hand and offer the fruit of his many years of experience. First, when referring to a per- son, always include his affilia- tion, or, if unaffiliated, the let- ters, "GDI". Thus, it is never 'Mary Smith", but rather, "Mary Smith, that Theta." Secondly, when asked to join a bridge game, never refuse, even if you can play nothing but "Old Maid". It will usually turn out that, at least one other player is faking it, too. But don't be afraid. Ev- erybody does it up here. And now the cardinal point. This is most important so please pay extra special attention. Whenev- er you, are introduced to any- one, immediately follow the in- troduction with the simple phrase, "Glad t' know yuh." This is college. Everyone is glad to know everyone else. Remember, even if you take an instinctive, hatred-at-first-sight attitude to- ward your new acquaintance, even if you would rather plunge your fountain pen into one of his beady little eyes, you must say, "Glad t' know yuh." And that's it. Simple huh? With these three things in mind you can't miss cracking the charmed cir- cle of the well-bred university youth. Open Sesame! Too Hot to Trot Did you go to summer school? Hmmm? Educational glutton! As we basked in the soft summer sunlight of 95 degree July heat back in the Empire State, we no- ticed the weather report in the New York Times. For that par- ticular day, the hottest point mentioned by the name-dropping Times, was yes, you guessed it, Columbia, Missouri with a brisk 113 degrees. Reading further we found that K.C. reported a mild 110 degrees. And suddenly the searing sun that caused 95 degree heat in the Big Town didn't seem so hot. Suddenly, it was as if a cool breeze had wafted across our face. You see, we almost de- cided to go to summer school. T.V. Chuckle Every once in a while televi- sion comes up with a comedian who, we find, just suits our ec- centric sense of humor. One such is Jerry Lester, whom you may or may not have come in contact with. (Oh, hell! Another dang- ling preposition.) One night in particular, Mr. Lester was "hot", as it is known in the trade. It was a skit in which he has just told the girl to whom he has been engaged for the past eigh- teen years that he has just lost the money that they had been saving for their impending mar- riage. "Oh, Jerry," she says, you didn't lose it on the horses, did you?" "Nope." "Well how, then?" "It was a bet. The guy give me 5,000 to 1 odds. Cheez, 5,000 to 1." "But, what was the bet?" "He bet me that Eisenhower would beat Stevenson." "But, Jerry, that was two years ago. Eisenhower did beat Stevenson." "Yeah, hon, I know, but, gee, 5,000 to 1! How can yuh refuse odds like that?" Letters From the Editor You have probably noticed that most magazines have a spe- cial feature entitled "Letters to the Editor." This past summer, we discovered that it could work in reverse. Having a wonderful time, swimming, beach partying, sipping Gin and Tonic, we were continually interrupted from the carefree flow of life by letters, nay, pleas, from the Editor, ask- ing, nay, demanding that we put aside our simple pleasure long enough to turn in some (pardon the quotation) "dam copy for the first issue." Well! As if a man hasn't enough to do with- out an editor harping upon such unpleasant things as copy! Any- way, proper spirit and all that sort of rot, we junked the swim- ming, junked the beach party, but clutching our Gin and Ton- ic firmly in our palsied hand, we set to work. You may not have realized that much of what you are reading now was written this past summer, but it was! Oh, you can bet your sweet tux- edo, it was! We realize now that there was more than one way to skin the cat, but it's too bad we didn't think of it sooner. We should have given the sonofagun a phony address! Bravo for the British A story from the London Times seems quite typical of the British personality, if there is such a thing. For want of a bet- ter name, the hero shall be call- ed Mr. Smithington. Quoting ra- ther freely, and even embellish- ing a bit the story runs as fol- lows. Smithington, entering his flat was aware of an odor, re- markably like that of smoke emanating from the floor. Upon investigation, Smithington dis- covered that it was smoke. Now, an American, would, more than likely have raced to the tele- phone and called the local fire- eaters. But not Smithington! Oh, no! Smithington is a cool one. He casually sauntered over to his desk, took out a piece of note paper, and, at great length, ex- plained thq existing situation. Thereupon, he addressed it to the fire department and dropped it into the post (mailbox, jerk). on his way to work. A few hours later (mail being somewhat fast- er in socialized England than it is here) the fire truck arrived. They found that a faulty flue was at fault and saw that the landlord fixed it. And so, Mr. Smithington, the typical English gentleman, proved his coolness under fire, or was it over fire? At any rate, the London Times, being notoriously conservative, didn't even bother to report Smithington's real name. Too bad. You know a guy like that might make a tremendous Dean of Students. Incorporated Perhaps, you missed it this summer, but Terry Moore, bud- ding Hollywood actress (y ou may disagree, if you saw "King of the Khyber Rifles") hit the headlines once again. After in- curring the army's wrath by ap- pearing before the troops in Ko- rea last year in an ermine bath- ing suit, Terry did her act at a Las Vegas night club in June in an almost transparent dress. We don't know whether or not it was a direct result of this or not, but the next time Miss Moore made the papers, it was a little squib announcing that she had incorporated herself as "Ter- ry Moore Enterprises." There's not telling how far an enterpris- ing young girl can go. And of course, such a business has a tremendous future. A guy could get rich by investing in such a corporation. You know, we wouldn't mind having a piece of that. Baseball Bedlam All sorts of things happened in our national "sport" during the summer. Eddie Stanky tackl- ed the Philadelphia manager on the thirty yard line at Busch Stadium, and then made a pub- lic apology to all the Cardinal fans. Redbird rooters are await- ing another apology at the end of the season. In Brooklyn at the end of July, Joe Adcock, Milwaukee first baseman hit four home runs in one game to tie a major league record. The very next day Mr. Adcock, menacing as ever, had visions of doing it again. How- ever, he was quickly cured of such notions as a fast ball conk- ed him on the side of the head, quite unintentionally, of course. Of course! Whaddya mean the pitchuh hit him on purpose? The bum was leanin' ovuh thuh plate. The pitchuh jus' thrun the ball. It wuz a accident. Musclebound bum can't even get ouda da way! Really, old bean, such goings on make one sit up and take notice. It isn't cricket, you know. joe gold 9 "Frankly, Cadet Butler, I don't give a damn if this is Confederate Day." How To Be A If you have a four wheel personality, you'll always be a wheel. All Photos this page by Joyce Goodman Everybody knows that B.M.O.C.s must dress conspicuously. Of course, some do it more than others. 10 Fourth for bridge? (This looki B.M.O.C. If you can get away with this, you're already a B.M.O.C. (Get away, you fool, you're steam- ing up my glasses!) more like a fifth for a party.) You must have the right school spirit at all times. Get into Student Union Activities; you may even have to sweep your way to the top of the heap. 11 The object in the foreground is a pigskin. The men are pouncing on the pigskin. They think it is good to eat. Me hungry. This is an unposed, unretouched photo showing two Betas flying back for rush week. The crash helmets are for butting heads with other fraterni- ties during rush week. Candidly Mizzou These two boys are on a date. One of them is about to get the shaft. Hoo boy! This picture is in deepest sympathy with those bankrupt students who are now living off cheese sandwiches. Picture puzzle. Which one is George? With Missouri's first home game scheduled for Saturday, the team is ,looking forward to another season in which the whole school comes out to cheer them on to victory. Note the packed bleachers in the background. This scene is from orientation week, and what better way to orient students to Old Mizzou than by giving a quiz. After five days of such brain-washing, everyone starts classes with a clean slate. Yell, damnit yell! (He won't.) All photos this page by Al Smith 13 The Blue Shop Romano's Bummin' Around I wanted to get into things on this campus . . activities I mean. So naturally I went to Merry-go-Round, but I expected to see horses there and I didn't. The best I could do was to get an Ag student to tell me about them, and he said they were measured by "Hands". Wouldn't it be exciting if girls were meas- ured the same way? As soon as I got to Merry-go- Round I petitioned for S.G.A. While I was filling out the form some fellow, said he didn't think I'd given enough support last spring when their U.S. Party was running. He did not say who or what they were, running from. It didn't look like I was get- ting far in being prominent, so I thought I'd try out for cheer- leader. After all, people say that this year our team is to make football history. I wish Dr. Bugg could make history football . . . I wentnext to apply for a Stu- dent Union committee, but I was too shy to put down public rela- tions. Besides, they interview people at night, and I'd have to walk over by myself, and you know what can happen to a girl in the dark on this campus. She could lose her bureaus . . . or something. So anyway, I haven't gotten anything. And it looks like I'm going to devote all my attention to my one extra-curricular ac- tivity . . . his name is Bill . .. he only comes around once a month . . . and then he's not welcome. But anyhow, he's real gung-ho for activities too. He even lets me write out the letter on his petition blank . . . I re- member exactly what it said be- cause he made me memorize it: "I am a member of the best fraternity on the campus, and I starred on the basketball team last year. I ari thinking about trying out for star on this year's team. I know I can help your or- ganization if I am given the chance." Isn't that great? So why did they turn him down with only a four-word letter . . . "The I's haveż it." Looks like if Bill and I want to be active we'll just have to be active with each oth- er. Or else in classes. Take me for instance . please! I am really all hot for gym, but there is a catch. You see, I wear a sweater to school and when I take it off during the day (to put it in my gym locker) it is all full of electricity and sticks to my other clothes. Obviously, this is a very shock- ing thing. I guess my only hope is to pay cash for my sweaters instead of charging them. But of course then I wouldn't have my Bill every month .. Life sure gets tedious, don't it? Betsy A drunk entered a bar and asked for a drink. The barten- der refused him. "Just to show you I'm not drunk - do you see that one- eyed cat coming in the back door?" The bartender said, "Now I know you're drunk. That cat is going out." A young soldier called on a sixteen year old girl, and re- marked to her parents that he was from Philadelphia. The girl's father commented that he and his wife were mar- ried there seventeen years ago. A startled expression passed over the soldier's face. Next morning the daughter said in disgust, "That certainly did it Father. I had told him I was eighteen. so then of course, I had to tell him I was illegiti- mate." Parkade Drive-In Theatre TALLEN BEVERAGE Temptation written by chip martin illustrated by tavi ramirez Roxy Anne Yowell bounded down the thickly carpeted stairs in four leAps and slipped quickly into the phone booth like a thirteen-year-old re- ceiving her first call from her first beau. Suddenly she realized, "I mustn't act too eager!" and stopped to catch her breath before picking up the receiver. There was nothing but the moon between them ... . and doubt . . . Roxy was still seventeen, would be, eighteen soon though . . . but how far off it seemed! Her pale blue eyes set off by dark eyelashes and brows brought out the full richness of the nut- brown tan she had so religiously nurtured the previous summer. Her short-cropped hair was very dark brown, almost black at times and seemed to cling to her head like a cap, its edges curled in neat, little ringlets. Roxy had never been ignored by boys at her high school, but she was ex- cited by the prospect of her first date at the University. "Hello." Her voice didn't come out quite like she had planned. She hoped the small quivering sound wasn't noticeable. "Hello. Roxy Anne?" he que- ried. "My name is Andy Larkin. Remember? pver at the yell-in the other night?" She remembered all right . . . how could she forget? The deep- set brown eyes, hidden behind a disarming smile, had met her glance as she walked off the porch and he had pulled out his address book, edged his way over to her and introduced himself. She even remembered the dark- blue, sport shirt with the tiny flecks of white on it . . he looked so nice in blue. His slightly wavy brown hair had been ruffled by the breeze that had swept through sorority row that night. "Yes, I remember you." She tried to seem interesting with- out being overly enthusiastic. "You're the one who said, you'd lostA your government notebook, aren't you?" "Yeah, that's me. But I found it this morning. It was under my bed. I guess it fell off my desk." His voice sounded like he was right in the phone booth with her, she thought. "I'm glad you found it ... I've heard the course would be mur- der without a notebook." She guessed that was the appropri- ate thing to say. She had only been here h week and no one seemed to talk about classes very much, but she supposed that everyone had come here to go to school and learn something . . study, be a doctor, lawyer . . Indian chief too, she thought. She had heard that some Indians were enrolled in this school. Maybe they weren't the same' kind of Indians, though. "Say," he seemed in a hurry. "How would you like to go out to a little picnic party Saturday night. I'll bring along my porta- ble radio and stuff . . . every- body in the house is going. Be great fun!" "Sounds like it." She was really excited now. "Where's it going to be?" She really didn't care, but it sounded good, any- how. "Well, they've got a little creek just south of town where most everybody goes for their picnics. It's a pretty popular place." "Sure, I'll go. And I'll bring along some weiners and buns and marshmallows and a whole lot of other good things to eat," she spouted. She was happy at the thought of it. And it did sound like it would be fun. "No, you won't have to," she heard him say. "The boys'll take care of everything." He told her what time he would pick her up and then they talked a while longer be- fore he said goodbye. For two days Roxy Anne floated in an ocean of pink clouds and couldn't quite keep her mind on learn- ing pledge rules or her class work. She talked to one of the older girls in the house and asked her how she should act, what she should talk about, and just what was the right thing to do. "Roxy, you just be yourself and I know you'll have a good time. Just act like you would in your own hometown," she said. She was a very helpful girl, thought Roxy. Just like talking to Mother at home. "I would caution you on one thing, though. Some college boys can be quite a bit different than the boys back home." She smiled in a knowing way. "But I know you'll be all right. You've got a good head on your shoulders." Roxy didn't quite understand what the girl meant by her last remark, but she didn't reveal it. She decided to think about it, but she soon forgot and awoke the next morning glittering with an- ticipation of her big date. After a morning of pledge du- ties and an afternoon of trying to concentrate on Beowulf, Roxy found the evening approaching. She was in the midst of putting on the last touches of make-up and looking in the mirror at her lean figure in a print dress when she heard a voice. "Someone at the door for you Roxy!" She turned and smiled with a delightful eagerness, "tell him I'll be right down, will you Shei- la?" The evening coolness was a relief from the late September sun, still reminiscently hot from the previous summer. She thought she noticed a perturbed look in Andy's face as she walk- ed down the stairs, but it quickly passed. They walked out to the front driveway where they got into a bright-blue convertible. She hoped she would look good in blue too. He bounced into the front seat and turned on the key. "Would you like to hear some music, Roxy?" he smiled. "Sure," she grinned. "A good D. J. is on about this time every evening over the lo- cal radio station. Plays everything from bop to dixieland and strict- ly sentimental pop. He's a crazy guy who calls himself Gary something or other. His jokes are mostly corny, but he can sure pick the good music," he added. The car was speeding to- wards the edge of town now and Roxy noticed that he looked ev- en more handsome in his blue- jean pants and a light cashmere sweater over a blue sport shirt. The top of the convertible was down and the wind hurried through his hair, lifting it up and down carelessly. A slow, comfortable melody drifted out of the radio. Roxy settled back (Cont'd next page) 17 Missouri Showme NEWMAN'S JEWELRY (Cont'd from page 17) in her seat and breathed in the fresh night air. Andy let his foot off the ac- celerator and let the car coast for a few yards and then applied the brakes and turned off onto the highway shoulder. Four oth- er cars could be seen parked alongside a barbed-wire fence. He turned off the ignition and lights. "Well, here we are chick," he looked over at Roxy. "You know you're a cute little thing, Roxy. All the guys will be envious of me when they see you." "I'll tell them you were first . isn't that right?" she answer- ed and a light came into her eyes. She could hardly conceal her happiness. They got out of the car and Andy took a blanket and a ther- mos jug from the back seat. "Right over there, Roxy. See that old-fashioned stile? That's where we cross the fence." He took her arm and led her to- wards the steps. She could hardly see the steps it was so dark. A full moon was just beginning to come up over the horizon and did not yet give its yellow light to the tree-shel- tered countryside. Roxy jumped lightly from the top and landed on the other side. She could bare- ly discern a camp fire flickering through the trees and heard the soft plunking of a ukele in the distance. Somewhere far off an invisible radio sent a jazzy tune. As they walked through the short-grazed meadow, the couple talked of coming football games, cutting classes, which was almost a fad around the campus, and of college life in general. He was studying economics he said . . . she hadn't decided what to ma- jor in yet, so she was in liberal arts. A few trees surrounded the clearing from which the light of the camp fire was coming. They walked among these trees and saw a small tub on the ground near the slowly-dying fire. A large block of ice floated in some liquid. "Hi there, Andy," voices came from the shadows. Roxy could barely make out images of cou- ples sitting and lying on blankets out-of-reach of the dim light of the embers. Two couples came out of the darkness arm-in-arm and exchanged greetings with Andy and Roxy. She could see that the girls were wearing blue- jeans and wished secretly that she had worn a pair herself. "Let's get a couple of cups and have some of this," Andy said. He took two cups from a paper cup container lying on the ground and dipped them into the tub. "It's called amethystine ar- dor. You'll like it." "Mmmm,' she said. "It's good. Tastes something like grape juice with a little bit of everything else mixed in." "That's what it is!" Andy said. He spread the blanket on the ground at the outer edge of the clearing, and they sat down and listened to the ukele-strumming coming out of the darkness. None of the other couples seemed to be talking much, Roxy thought. This seemed to be quite different from the picnics back home. More talking about favorite records, school, jellying in the union, and parties coming up in the next few months. Roxy was aware that Andy seemed to know just about everything and every- body on the campus. She mar- veled at the witty things he said and laughed lightly at the little jokes he told about life at the university. She felt his arm go around her shoulders and she thought, it fits perfectly . . . it belongs there. Hope I'm doing the right thing, she said to her- self. I want to belong. Now Roxy was becoming ob- livious to the other couples gath- ered around the once-bright fire, and she couldn't remember how many times Andy had gotten up to refill the cups of amethystine ardor. It was a funny name, but it tasted good and wasn't quite like anything she had ever tast- ed. She felt exhilarated by the feeling of being almost all alone (Cont'd page 25) Italian Village nEUKomm's How To Pick PICK ONE WHO HAS CONNECTIONS... OR ONE WHO 0 /A 5 7T/F 7-//4N YOU HAVEN'T 50C r/ cAN SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE..HOO! /VONE WHO IS RESOURCEFUL //V AN EMERGENCY... o/)I /1/a0 /V TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL, FRIENDLY, ETC.. ONE WHO HAS A PLEASE ONE WHO ENJOYS A Roommate ONE WHO SHARES MUTUAL INTERESTS.... GET ONE WHO WON'T STEAL YOUR GIRL FRIENDS... SENSE '/4- wv,. c ONE WHO /i/f i ~ 48/ AND AFFECTIONATE.. OR.. YOU CAN ALWAYS COMMUTE... The Clock Strikes Gung By Mark Parsons A BLIND DATE AT MIZZOU "And this is our rec. room." "Some blind dates are complete failures." "I don't see any submarines." He'll probably want to kiss you on the first date. (don't be a fool, give in.) Personality clash (Cont'd from page 19) with Anay and her thoughts were swimming around in a happy state. She was free of all cares and felt like doing something different. Andy was lying down at her side now humming a college pong. "Why don't you lie down here, Roxy, it's wonderful to look up at the stars and wonder at the smallest of our own world," he said rather wistfhlly, she thought. She stretched out upon the wrinkled blanket and looked up into the heavens, seeing each star blink its own message to the earth. She felt his arm un- der her and placed her head against his shoulder. He was saying how beautiful she was now and that he wanted to take her to another party next week to show her off to the fellows in the light. She had a quality about her that was dif- ferent than most girls, he said. He wasn't specific, but it sound- ed good to Roxy. His face came close to hers and Roxy took a sudden breath. He was kissihg her and her en- tire body felt invigorated by the sensation. She put her arms around her neck and pulled him to her. Her escape from reality made the time pass quickly and she couldn't remember how long they had been there. But, Roxy thought, it seemed like they had been embraced since the begin- ning of time and it was the right thing to do. Her mind was numb and it seemed like thousands of kisses were flowing from the lips of Andy . . . my dream man, she thought. He was caressing her and whispering things into her ear. "Roxy have you ever . . ." he said. Suddenly Roxy recalled from somewhere . . "college boys can be quite a bit different . .. " and she came back to the pres- ent and reality. "Andy, we'd better go now. I have to study for an English quiz for Monday," she managed. She could see no other couples in the pale light of the moon and realized she had been too care- less in trying to do the right thing. She was sure that next time she would know exactly how to act. "Just be yourself, Roxy." And Andy knew too, when he took her home that night. He knew he'd call her again Small Boy: "What is 'college bred,' Pop?" Father: (With son in college) "They make college bread, son, from the flour of youth and the dough of old age." The Kinsey report proves just one thing. Women like to talk. He walked her to the front door. She looked into his eyes and purred softly, "I'll be home tomorrow night." He kissed her tenderly and whispered, "So will I." * ** * In the days of Queen Eliza- beth, 'tis said, some of the ladies liked to curl up with a good book, while others simply pre- ferred to curl up with one of the pages. * * * * They had been sitting in the swing in the moonlight alone. No word had broken the still- ness for half an hour until she asked, "What would you do if you had money?" "I'd travel," he mused dream- ily. He felt her warm hand slide into his. When he looked up, she was gone. In his hand was a dime. * * * * Judge: "You say this man stole your money out of your stock- ing?" Girl: "Yes, sir." Judge: "Why didn't you put up a defense?" Girl: "I didn't know he was after my money." Kappa: I hear the adminstration is trying to stop necking. Phi Delt: Is that so? First thing you know they'll be trying to make the students stop, too. Broadway Drive-In Theatre The Brown Derby Student Union Ticket Booth "Well then, let's adopt some." "George, say it ain't just sex with us." "I think the green one is the stronger swimmer. -Chappie, filched Town & College Men's Wear The Hathman House Swami's Snorts She: Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendi- ictis? He: No, I hate hospitals. * ,* * * She says she descended from a long line her mother once fool- ishly listened to. "Billy, get your little bro- ther's hat out of that mud pud- dle." Billy: "I can't, ma, he's got it strapped too tight under his chin." Old Lady: Won't you buy some violets? Delt: I can't. I've only got a nickel and I'm going on a date tonight. ** * * A little bird sits on a tree Now he flies away- Life is like that Here today and gone tomorrow A little bird sits on a tree Now he scratches himself- Life is like that Lousy. ** * * A divorcee has one advantage over other women. She can give references. ** ** Ed: Joe has a false tooth. Ned: Did he tell you? Ed: No, it just came out in the conversation. Englishman: I say, what are they doing? American: Dancing. Englishman: They get married later, don't they? "J'm losing my punch," ex- claimed the co-ed as she hastily left the cocktail party. He: May I kiss your hand? She: What's the matter, is my mouth dirty? A Letter To The Folks Hello Ma, Pa, and the rest Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc (Ha Ha ain't that the cats meow). Well here I am up her at the uni- vercity and as you can allready see im learnin stuff already. I heard that in remedial logic and a buddy tole me that it meant "after so much hockey, it's proper to get tired of hockey." That souns logical to me, don't it to you. My coach interduced me all up with my eng- lish teacher the other day. He shore is a nice guy and so is the teacher. He told the teacher all about what a dandy feller and a swell footbal player I am. After that there teacher knowed me, he said I wouldnt have truble makin good grades in eng- lish and hoped me luck in footbal. Hows bulls dog is it still got them worms? That athaletic scolarship sure helps out here. When I tole a girl named Suzie that, she like me all of a sudden. There's quite a few girls down here named Suzie. The boys are allus talkin about some ugly Suzie they ran intoo. The one that has it for me is ugly too, she looks just like lulu bell the dorg . . . sure makes me homesik. They got a crick up here called the hink I guess its got good fishin cause the boys allus talk about goin there. You know that there three leggid dog whale- belly jones is got. They got four three leggid dogs up here. I hear the boys talkin about a studen4 union up here . . but I dont listen cause pa allus tole me that unions werent no good. Hes a good old republikan. Some of the fellers up here are really clean. I hears em talkin about gettin sudsed up every night. With all those suds, you caint help but be clean. They also talk about a shack up here thats purty popular, but I don't think it's anything like the shack outside our back door . . it holds more people. Ill try to rite purty soon agin but you all know im awful buzy playin footbal and studyin and stuff. Aw Revore, Homer Tiger Theatre DORN - CLONEY It was at the Union. "Oh dar- ling, you have the most beauti- ful tan." "Oh, thank you darling," cooed the reply, "but it's really ail faded now. I wish you could have seen me a couple of weeks ago." It was easy to tell from the way that she said it, that. she did wish everyone could have seen her a couple of weeks ago. * * Time was, back home in the Ozarks, that a suntan belonged to the outdoor worker as an hon- est badge for a rugged life. No one there dreamed that there were people who spent hours copying what the genuine out- door people had in all naive in- nocence. The old man used to give us kids a grubbing hoe apiece, and at the end of the day if the sprouts weren't all down, he tanned the part that the sun hadn't gotten to. Not so here in the big city. Since realizing that the ancient cult of sun worshipping still thrives in our modern civiliza- tion, your humble servant here has done a little research on the subject. I've talked to -members of this faith, listened to their conversation and even posed as one of them in order to learn their code, organization levels and rituals. All of this has un- covered some interesting, if not astounding facts. To begin, I asked the gal who owned one, and learned that ac- quiring a suntan is hard, tiring, tedious work. She said that those golden brown, deep-fried chicken hues are the result of much scheming, conniving and even planning in order that one can have his place in the sun. Moe's Malarky It is when one is in the sun, so the gal said, that the actual work begins. She said that I had no idea just how painful it was, or how much it sapped one's en- ergy to lie there in the broiling heat. She was right, I hadn't. Besides the work, if one is to properly obtain the skin you love to touch about as much as you love to caress a scuffed leather suitcase, he and or she must pay for it. It takes at least a dollar spent with the right people to buy creams that give one the same tints that the shoe shine companies sell for a quarter a can. After watching the correct usage of the magic lotions, I was terribly homesick. It reminded me of the times I used to watch Grandmother baste the Thanks- giving turkey. For a member of the low or- der of the cult, or the person just starting his tan, the outlay for the coloring agents is the only expense. It's after the tan is acquired, or the dermititus has reached the chronic stages, that the expense sky-rockets. For both the male and female, there are the admission costs to the swimming areas, and for the fe- male, the investments in new off the shoulder clothes. These aren't necessary, you say? They most certainly are. For of what other use is a sun tan than for other people to look at? And, just how can other people see this ac- complishment unless the accom- plished shows it? When one has acquired his tan, he enters the highest order of the organization which allows its women members to wear the backless dress, and its men to leave the top three buttons of the shirt undone. (And you thought all along that he just dressed in a hurry every morn- ing). The cult has many privi- leges other than just those of dress. A member in good stand- ing is permitted and encouraged to sneer, or other wise show dis- respect for those inferiors with the poolroom-pallor. Although this treatment may seem cruel to the casual observer, it is ac- tually kind compared to the slur- ring remarks directed the peas- ants who show half-mast, or tans only on the arms and backs of the neck. It was from a fair-faced stu- dent of medicine that I learned that the discolorization of the epidermis was possible through the sun's action on inherent skin pigments, and that possession of these pigments is about as much of a personal achievement as owning a pair of green eyes. Me? Oh, I burn very easily. 1) A kiss is a noun because it's common and proper 2) It's a pronoun because "she" stands for it 3) It's a verb because it's active or passive 4) It's an adverb because it makes an explanation 5) It's a conjunction because it brings together and connects 6) It's an interjection because it shows strong and sudden feel- ing 7) It's a preposition because it has an object 8) It's great, if you don't mind saying so. Life Savers The Stein Club ERNIE'S CAMPUS JEWELERS Swami's Snorts DECEPTION Should you suddenly spy, From the side of your eye, A girl of exceptional talent walk by, I would recommend first, Lest you practically burst, It is wiser by far to prepare for the worst. For the feminine form Can depart from the norm, Using many devices, its shape to transform. Diabolical pads, (You see them in ads.,) Are inserted to satisfy mascu- line fads. With silk and elastic, With nylon and plastic They manage deception that's really fantastic. So next when you meet A girl on the street, Beware of prostrating yourself at her feet, For you'll probably find That fate's been unkind, And whalebones are used to con- trol her behind; And rather than stacked, She's probably packed, And foam rubber gives her the things that she lacked. John MacCallum. Have you heard about the new soap that's on the market now. Lumpo, it's called . .. Doesn't clean, doesn't lather, doesn't bubble: Just company in the tub. Young Man (to waitress): Do you serve lobsters? Waitress: Yes sir, we serve any- body. Swami's Snorts There was a little girl And she had a little curl Plastered on her forehead. And when she was good she was very good And when she was bad She was marvelous. His wife lay on her deathbed. She pleaded, "Jerry, I want you to promise me that you'll ride in the same car with my mother at the funeral." He sighed, "Okay. but it's go- ing to ruin my whole day." The difference between a northern girl and a southern is this: A northern girl says, "you may." A southern girl says, "You all may." He: "What keeps your shoulder strap up?" She: "Your extreme timidity, I suppose." Pi Phi: Dear you remind me of Don Juan, the great lover. Sigma Chi: (hopefully) Why? Pi Phi: He's been dead for years. *** * What a day. I lost my job. I lost my billfold. My wife ran away with the electric light man. The Yanks lost to the Senators. It's unbelievable . . . leading by three in the eighth, and they lost to the Senators. I had sworn to be a batchelor She had sworn to be a bride But I guess you know the an- swer She had nature on her side. A serious thought for today Is one that may cause dismay; Just what are the forces That bring little horses If all of the horses say "Nay"? DON L. SMALL RECORD SHOP COLLINS' RUBY & COTTON The Stable Julie's Swami's Snorts "I cured my child of biting his nails." "Oh yes, how?" "I kicked his teeth out." He: What would I have to give you for just one little kiss? She: Chloroform. It might be fun to fight about a kiss, but it's more fun just to take it lying down. * * * Found a wabbit Called him Jim Twenty more Weren't no him. A young man about town ap- proaching a cigar stand behind which stood a sweet young thing said, "Do you keep stationery?" Sweet young Thing: "Yes, up to a certain point, but then I go all to pieces." Customer: I'd like some rat poison, please. Clerk: Will you take it with you? Customer: No, I'll send the rats over after it. Beta: Do you believe in clubs for women? Kappa Sig: Yes, but only as a last resort. * 4 4 * Immanuel, the brave toreador: "Ah, senorita, tonight I will steal beneath your window and sing to you." Consuelo, the beautiful senorita: "Do, and I will drop you a flower." Immanuel: "In a moment of love?" Consuelo: "No, in a pot." A 'theatre usher was astonished to see a big brown bear sitting in the front row munching a bag of peanuts. "Hey," he whispered, "Where'd you get the peanuts? I thought the machine was broken." Swami's Snorts THIS DITTY IS A STRING OF LIES, BUT-HOW THE DEUCE DID HINKING RISE? Hinking, drinking and thee Stand at the top of the tree; And I muse in my bed on the reasons that led To hinking, drinking and thee. Each of the flesh-weakening three Are many years senior to me The big boys they say, in their usual way That it's blankets, beer, bessie and he. Hinking appears to be as coarse as a chimpanzee; and I can't understand, why you weary the land with babes from the Infamous Three. Drinking, like hinking, you see, is dear to the powers that be. For they bow and smile in an af- fable style upon introduction to thee. With hinking and drinking comes thee as certain as certain can be of a highly-paid post which is claimed by a host, freshmen thru seniors and me. Careless and lazy is she greatly inferior to me, what is the spell that you rhanage so well, sidetracking drinking and me? All lovelies from the big three Let me inquire this of thee Should I have riz to such bounti- ful biz If instead of me, I was she? by Dave Hewitt MISSOURI UPTOWN BOONE Crown Auto Parts SUDDEN SERVICE YACHT CLUB Swami's Snorts She: I've lost so much weight you can feel my ribs. He: Gee, thanks. Science is resourceful. I t couldn't pry open the windows of Pullman cars, so it air-con- ditioned the train. Wife: Dear, tomorrow is our tenth wedding anniversary. Shall I kill the turkey? Husband: Why? He didn't have anything to do with it. Sherlock H.: Ah, Watson, I see you have donned your long winter underwear. Watson: Amazing! How did you deduce that? Sherlock H.: Elementary, my dear Watson. You have for- gotten to put on your pants. Then there was the devil who backed into a lawnmower, and then went to liquor store be- cause he heard they retailed spi- rits. Petite voix: "Please, Mrs. Brown, may I have my arrow?" Mrs. Brown: "Why, of course. Where is it?" Petite voix: "It's stuck in your son." My mother and father are in the iron and steel business. Ma irons and Pa steals. The mother lion opened her eyes lazily, and saw her young son chasing a hunter around a tree. "Junior," she said, "don't play with your food." ** ** Constable: "Sorry lady, no swim- ming allowed in this lake." Sweet young thing: "Why didn't you tell me that before I got undressed?" Constable: "There ain't no law against undressing." Swami's Snorts "Hey, dad, I'm home from school again." "What the devil did you do this time?" "I graduated." He was seated in the parlor And he said unto the light "Either you or I, old fellow, Will be turned down tonight." * * * Hickory dickory dock Two mice ran up the clock The clock struck one But the other one got away. * * * "How did you puncture the tire?" "Ran over a milk bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Naw, the kid had it under his coat." * * * * He: "Why won't you marry me? There isn't anyone else, is there?" She: "There must be." Active: Answer the telephone. Pledge: What did it say? Mother: "Johnny, look out for worms in that apple." Johnny: "When I eat an apple the worms just have to look out for themselves." She: Can I have a match? He: Here's a cigarette lighter. She: Don't be silly. I can't pick my teeth with a cigarette light- er. College is like a laundry. You get out of it what you put into it but you'd never recognize it. * * ** Rockabye baby In the tree top Better not fall It's a helluva drop. * * * * There are three kinds of -wo- men: the beautiful, the intellec- tual, and the majority. 63 NORTH TOBACCO STORE SUZIE STEPHEN'S by barney kinkade "Won't you try my perfume, dahling, It's some of Daddy's crude oil." 37 PLEDGE, YOU GOTTA LITE? "Why Fred! Where did you learn to kiss like that?" Laughter Thoughts WHAT YA' THINK IRVING?--THEy'vE BEEN THERE FOR THE LONGEST!!... CAN I GO PLAY IN THE HAREM, DAD? 38 TEXACO TOWN 39 "Don't you think the rules here at Stephens are a little strict?" Stuff "Hands up. . . and eyes too." MAJOR! WHERE IN THE DEVIL IS THAT PAINTER FROM THE BEER COMPANY ?/ Really Go Gung-ho Petition now for an S.G.A. Committee and be a campus wheel. Go all the way for S.G.A. Diverse committees offer a job for you. Petitions Available Room 243 Student Union 41 The Missouri Store Co. Black & Gold Inn Swami's Snorts The American tourist was look- ing down into the famous Greek volcano, finally he commented, "It sure looks like Hades." "Oh," retorted his guide, "You Americans have been every- where." Sigma Chi: Could you care for a chap like me? Theta: Yes, if he wasn't too much like you. Theory - a hunch with a col- lege education. "How come you don't go out with Toots anymore?" "Oh, I couldn't stand her vul- gar laugh." "Gee, I hadn't noticed it." "You weren't there when I proposed." Customer: Could I try on that suit in the window? Salesman: We'd rather you'd use the dressing room. "Say, what's that crawling on the wall?" "It's a Ladybug." "Gad, what eyesight." *** * Love makes the world go 'round. So does a good swallow of to- bacco juice. There's only one thing to be said for the free medical advice at the clinic: it's worth it. The sheriff in our town doesn't know the meaning of fear. But then, there are lots of words he doesn't know the meaning of. He: Doing anything Saturday night? She: No. He: Could I borrow your soap? Housewife (to garbage man): Am I too late for the garbage? G-Man: No Ma'am, jump right in. DRAKE'S DRIVE-IN TALLEN BEVERAGE Contributors' Page RANCH HOUSE Brady's Judy Jenkins We looked around for a long, long time (twenty minutes to be exact) before we found the girl we thought would be capable to fill the shoes of our retiring Joke Editor, Judy Rose. Then her feet were too small (to look at her, you wouldn't know it!) . . . The Jenkins Judy is also a member of Theta sorority and can be seen any week night slipping up the back fire escape after hours. She hails from St. Charles, Missouri (a suburb of St. Louis) and is at present a struggling pre-J student. We feel sure she'll make it through English's finishing school in due time cause she's already drinking twenty cups of coffee a day and downing a pint of scotch at night. Besides a perverted sense of humor, Judy also has admirable qualities. She collects stuffed ani- mals, mostly elephants, and reads Ogden Nash incessantly. Her room is filled with 784 of them (stuffed animals, not Ogden Nashes.) Sitting across from her at a ta- ble in the shack, we wondered if she was the right girl for the job of joke editor, until she blinked her slinky eye lashes our way and, in a raspy voice, told a joke that burned the ears of our illustrious editor. She made the grade! Les Gibbs If you see a wierd-looking guy who looks like he just stepped out of the pages of ancient Greek history sneaking around the campus from bar-stool to bar- stool, you'll know you've seen the widely-read Lester Gibbs. But if he utters one of his few eloquent phrases, you'll know he's an apparition of the great Nero himself. Just ask him to sing for you . . . he will! Another one of the masses, (he thinks he wants to be a writer) Les comes from the buzzing me- tropolis of Festus, Missouri, where he spends his summers playing golf, discussing profund philosophies, and quaffing beer. "My ambition is to be a writer," Les uttered one day when he was under the table, "even comic- books, if necessary!" He has read most of the best-known philoso- phers but lives by Omar Khay- am's, "Ah, take the Cash and Let the Credit Go." Swami looks to seeing more of the satirical humor in writing put out by Les. He began turn- ing in copy last semester and was immediately looked upon as a new source of ideas and laugh material. A second semester freshman, Les is a veteran of the Korean war and holds several outstand- ing awards, among them, the sil- ver star. 1955 SAVITAR Camel Cigarettes