Missouri Showme November, 1954Missouri Showme November, 195420081954/11image/jpegPublications & Alumni CommunicationsThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show195411Missouri Showme November, 1954; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1954
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A Political Satyr
J. Johnson Fruit & Produce Co.
In the past Showme has always
had a little too much SEX to be
a good magazine. However, under
your editorship, I have noticed
tremendous strides taken toward
giving the University of Miss-
ouri the type of literary maga-
zine it has always needed. I
think you have done a great deal
to lift the magazine out of the
gutter into which it was plunged
last year. Keep up the good work
and continue substituting REAL
literature for filth. You must be
a gentleman and a scholar, sir.
Yours for a cleaner campus,
George S. Fielding
You are a great judge of char-
acter, Mr. Fielding, and although
your view of past issues does not,
necessarily coincicde with mine,
I believe that he, who is him-
self pure, will think others pure.
Let's get off the high horse
and grovel in the dirt like
we did last year. SEX is going
on all the time, and that's what
we want to read about. Dig into
the bowels of the campus and
come up with something big,
Make it dirty.
If SEX is what you want, and
you don't think we have it, then
you're missing half the jokes in
the magazine. Read between the
lines, like everyone else does,
and you'll see how dirty we are.
Black & Gold Inn
We started out the school year
with an eruption by selling out
our first issue completely. We
printed 4800 and just barely had
enough left over to send them
out to our subscribers. This time,
we print the same amount in
keeping with the good reception
of the magazine last month.
Two of the additions to the
Swami clan include Jack Duncan
(see page 40) and Earl C. A.
Thompson, otherwise known as
ECAT. Jack contributes an art
page this month, plus innumer-
erable cartoons, and ECAT takes
the political ideas of the staff
and translates them into art-
work on the centerspread.
We all got together a couple
of weeks ago and went hinking,
but underestimated the capacity
of the staff. Result: we had
several more staff meetings in a
very short time to consume the
excess of soda pop and cookies.
Everyone seemed to enjoy the
practice of seeing the girls sell
Showme in shorts and kilts at
the tower. We again resume the
custom this month . . who knows
perhaps they'll have to wear
tights under them when the cold
winds of December roll around.
Which brings us to the Decem-
ber issue. Next month, we come
back with a full color cover
again and a mag chock full of
Xmas goodies. So, Kiddies, save
up your quarters and keep sup-
porting Swami. Who knows, next
spring we may have another hink-
ing session and more soda pop!
THE BIG DEAL
When Hattie Slinkslipper slinks furtively .
watch out! A tale of intrigue by an insider
. . . Nancy Fairbanks ----------------
ADVICE TO IKE
Swami uses the medium of Showme art to
get it across to our top executive . . cam-
pus prigs should take notice ___________
" . drinking, driving too fast, and running
around with trash," he said, and the pro-
verbial buck was passed around. A short
story by Swami's joke editor, Judy Jenkins _
POLITICS MADE EASY
All potential politicians should read this .
espeically those with a weak will . . and
who ever heard of one with a strong will? -.
HOW TO GET VOTES
Jack Duncan teams up with a bottle of ink,
brush, and some zippatone to bring a bit
of sage advice to the aspiring ___________-
Volume 31 November 1954 Number 2
After a few trips out to the Stables
this year, Swami and his crew decided
that the only way to get the famous cam-
pus hang-out onto the cover, would be to
take a picture of it and come home and
draw it. So with brush in ear and camera
in shaky hand, we visited the Stables on
one week end when it was crowded to
the gills and come up with this cover.
We take the ultimate in artistic license
in presenting to you a cover which we
think is typical of A POLITICAL SATYR
. . you figure it out!
SHOWME is published nine times. October through June, during the college year by the Students of the
University of Missouri Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts
will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates
furnished on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St. New
York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co. Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by
mail $3.00. Office hours: 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. 302 Read Hall.
Showme's campaign slogan
Is one that's very dear . . .
"Let's cast our vote for Swami,
And go have another beer!"
Around The Columns
At the first football game of
the year one sweet young thing
raised the wrong card again and
again. After being criticised by
all the rah-rah collegians around
her, she could stand it no longer.
Her eyes brimming with tears,
she blurted, "Well, I can't help
it. I'm color blind!"
The University's usual lack of
vision embroiled it in another
error of omission at the begin-
ning of this school year. Although
high administration ofifcials must
have known that enrollment was
going to far exceed that of last
fall, a great many male students
found themselves without hous-
ing during registration. The sit-
uation subsequently cleared up,
but it seemed to indicate that
somebody is running around is-
suing order or not issuing orders
with a blindfold around his eyes.
The dormitories were trying to
alleviate the disgrace by attempt-
ing to put three men in a room
that was originally meant for
two. Townspeople met the prob-
lem in two ways. Some honest-
ly interested in the students' wel-
fare, began opening rooms in
their homes to take in Displaced
Students, while others, whose
motives cannot be looked into
too closely jacked up their prices
- some as high as $30 a month
for a single room. All of this
only points up the old adage:
THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM AT
THE TOP FOR MEN OF VI-
SION. There is room especially
at the University of Missouri.
The Vanishing Americans
There must be a great deal
more to the job of Student Gov-
ernment president than it ap-
pears on the surface. The last
two office-holders have gone the
way of all flesh, dropping out
of sight with all the noise of
wet firecrackers. We are con-
vinced they are not dead; they
have merely faded away like
many an old soldier into the
peaceful void, secured by the
"see no evil," "hear no evil,"
"speak no evil" policy of the
Dean's Office. Perhaps there is
some evil monster lurking in the
confines of the SGA office that
creeps out after dark and de-
vours SGA administrators. But
for anyone with political aspira-
tions it might be well to know
the hazards before taking the
leap. To find out more about the
monster, read your M Book. It's
all there, if you only know what
Lavender Hill Coup
An item in the paper, date-
lined from London is highly rem-
iniscent of one of Alex Guiness'
best, "The Lavender Hill Mob."
"Fast working thieves crashed
their truck into the rear of an-
other truck today and stole two
boxes containing gold bullion
"The gold had come from the
royal mint and was consigned to
" . . A worker was closing
the back of the bullion truck
when the thieves' truck suddenly
appeared and smashed it."
Perhaps Guiness has been tak-
ing his motion pictures too seri-
ously, or maybe there is some
truth in the old saying, "If you
cannot have zee cash, zen you
take zee bullion!"
Honest, We're Quoting
The following item appeared
word-for-word in Earl Wilson's
column August 27, 1954 on page
32 of the Suffolk County edition
of Newsday, the Pulitzer Prize
newspaper. The only reason we
bore you with these details is
because the Board of Publica-
tions does not like to think we
make up these nasties out of our
own little heads.
"In Ohio, an out-of-towner,
looking for a man named John
Sexauer, phoned various com-
panies. 'Do you have a Sexauer
there?' he asked a switchboard
" 'A what?' she said.
" 'A Sexauer.'
" 'I should say not,' she said.
'We don't even have a coffee
It's in the Cards
Despite ugly rumors to the
contrary, we committed the un-
pardonable sin of joining the
card section. After constant
promise of getting a good seat on
the fifty yard line for "only lift-
ing a little card at halftime," we
relented and signed our synicism
When SMU arrived for the
first game, we trudged out to
the noisy stadium. Finding our
seat away down on row sixteen
right near the fifty, we began to
think better of the deal we had
made. We had just settled back
complacently to enjoy the fruits
of our brililant decision, when a
little girl with a gold beanie on
her little head tapped us on the
shoulder. Beside her was anoth-
er somewhat larger girl, also
with a gold beanie. "You'll have
to move," said the tiny Hellcat.
"Why?" we asked hunching
lower in our seat.
"Because this girl," she said
motioning at her comrade-in-
beanies, "is supposed to be sit-
We got coy and pulled out our
ticket. "Look," we said, "Sec-
tion II, Row 16, Seat ."
"Yes, I know," said our tor-
mentress, "but according to the
Hellcat (and she bowed her head
quickly three times) seating
plan, she's supposed to sit there."
By this time we had wrapped
our legs around the bench and
dug our fingernails into the
wood. "Let's see your ticket," we
said to the second young lady.
She handed over a moth-eaten
book of tickets stamped with
"JJ Row 74."
"Row 74?" we screamed."Lady,
you're in the wrong stadium."
With that we looked over our
shoulder trying to discern row
74, but the highest we could see
under the low hanging clouds
was row 61.
The clouds lifted for a second,
and we saw three helicopters
hovering over the last row of
the bleachers. "There," she said
triumphantly. "There's row 74."
While we had been searching,
one of the male wheels of the
Hellcats had come up, and the
first little girl explained the prob-
lem to him. "Look," he snarled
at us, "she's supposed to be sit-
ting there. Why don't you take
her ticket and go up to her seat
like a good boy?"
The thought of climbing fifty-
eight rows had already made us
violently ill, and so we just sat
there dug into our seat looking
pleading at him. Finally, he re-
alized that we weren't going to
move, and he saw the futility of
trying to get us up, so he said,
"All right. If you're willing to
cooperate with us in the card
section, we're glad to have you."
With that he spat on the cement
stairs and made his way down to
the first row. The disappointed
girl started climbing, and when
we looked around in the third
quarter, we saw that she was
only a row or two away from
And us? Why we were the best
card raiser in the whole section
Last month it came to our at-
tention that the venerable Dean
of Students had made a stirring
television address aimed at the
worried parents of this state. We
regret that we missed this broad-
cast, but .those who saw it, swore
that it brought tears to their
eyes. It seems that parents were
worrying because their little
ones had not written home as of-
ten as they should. Fie on you,
naughty students! So the good
Dean took it upon himself to
ease the burden for the taxpay-
ers. According to our informants,
he explained that because of all
the red tape involved in regis-
tration and the difficulty of get-
ting settled, students were prob-
ably a little lax in writing home.
He told the parents that the let-
ters would more than likely start
coming soon. Our informants
could not recall if he had quoted
the old motto of Mizzou, "that
the university acts toward the
student, as a parent toward a
child," but it would not surprise
Darn It, George Cut It Out!
us if he had. In these times of
universities becoming more and
more cold and businesslike, it is
refreshing to see that there are
at least some people who take a
personal interest in the welfare
of students and their taxpaying
parents. Bully for you, Dean
Ace Flips His Lid
Many people have wondered
if the Student Union Coffee Shop
prepared its own soup. Last
month we were an eye witness
to an incident that proved be-
yond a doubt. It was lunch-
time, and two young ladies were
seated nearby at the counter.
The waitress brought them two
bowls of soup - one was mush-
room, the other vegetable. As
the young lady dipped her spoon
gently into the steaming vege-
table soup, there was a distinct-
ly metallic collision. Further fo-
rays into the bowl brought to
light a circular piece of tin,
whose jagged edges indicated re-
cent separation from a can. The
waitress, upon interrogation,
glibly admitted that it was the
lid from the soup can, and be-
gan fishing around herself until
she removed the evidence and
hastily did away with it. N6w
we are not champions for the
Pure Food and Drug Act, and
summers spent working in res-
taurants have taught us that for-
eign objects have a knack of
creeping into plates and bowls
-flies, beetles, and other assort-
ed members of the insect world-
but the top of a soup can -
never! Really, Ace don't you
think this is carrying it abit too
What has all this to do with the ineluctable modality
It is winter, spring, or can students take
a fancy to the lighter side of life in
Which one is the Beta?
Some owls are wise, some open their eyes; this is a
Smorgasborg . .
This girl has just heard a joke she doesn't
understand. She is about to pull the plug
so no one can see her . . blush.
Marge Curtis, AWS Pres., crowns Benny Bauton, win-
ning candidate for Knight Owl.
When in doubt, lie down.
Bill Howard, Showme Circulation Manager, presents
the trophy for over 100 per cent subscriptions sold, to
the Alpha Chi Omegas, Left to right Jan Marsden, Pres.
Bill Howard, Bert Andrews.
Bill Howard, Showme Circulation Manager, presents
the trophy for over 100 per cent subscriptions sold, to
the Delta Gammas. Left to right Doris Enfield, Bill
Howard, Jan Henderson, Pres., Cynthia Blaisdell, and
A jug of wine, a flour sack and thou
beside me in the wildernes.
Here's your change sir, one, two,
Barbara Breisch, up and coming co-ed, goes all the
way for school spirit.
Alms, Alms, for the love of Allah.
Swami presents this as a public service feature. We
think it's a nice piece of art work.
The Big Deal
by Nancy Fairbanks
Hattie Slinkslipper slunk fur-
tively down the street. She was
on her way to a secret meeting
of the party. There was a big
deal. "This is a big deal," she
deal on. Hattie was in on the
thought. Her sorority was work-
ing a big deal with the party.
"That's the way it is with these
big deals," she thought. "No-
body knows what the deal is."
Hands reached out and pulled
her into a car. Hands blind-
folded her. "Watch those hands,"
she snapped. "What kind of a
deal is this anyway?"
"You're being taken to the se-
cret headquarters of the party,"
said a voice.
"Where's that?" she asked.
"It's a secret."
Two hours laters they reached
the secret headquarters. Hattie
was shoved into a small closet,
She gasped. A girl was search-
ing her for concealed weapons.
It was Brenda Sweatsock, Presi-
dent of WJA, (Womens Jock As-
sociation.) Everyone on campus
thought the Women Jocks were
with the other party. The pres-
ence of Brenda Sweatsock in the
closet proved that there was a
big deal on.
"What's the deal?" asked Hat-
Brenda Sweatsock shrugged
her muscular shoulders. "You
hang up your sweatsocks where
you get the best deal. Visiting
hours in the boys' locker room
- that's a pretty big deal. What
are you after, Hattie Slinkslip-
"Just call me H.S. - all my
friends do. My only desire is to
be of service to my sorority and
my school. By acting as media-
tor between my sorority and the
party I hope to be of service to
my school and my fellow stu-
dents. United we stand - divid-
ed we fall. As our sorority found-
er said, Make the best of things
while the making's good. When
circumstances lay you low make
the best of things and you may
come out on top in the end.' In
short - the other party didn't
come through on the patronage."
"Well said, H.S.," cried Bren-
(Continued on page 26)
Brenda Sweatsock Smiled Sagely, "Now Conceal Your Best Weapons."
Yes, Ike, that was a birdie!
There should definately be
sex education in our schools.
Take care of your health.
Strenghten foreign relations.
Freedom of the press? . .
well as I have observed.
by Judy Jenkins
Ed Masters didn't look up when the sucking slam of the heavy
front door pushed through the high-ceilinged hall, and into the dim
corner of the living room where he sat playing solitaire. He didn't
speak until the nervous sound of his daughter's high heels had nearly
reached the carpeted staircase. Then he flicked a grey cylinder of ash
from his black cigar and drawled sullenly,
The footsteps halted, and hesitated. Her voice was cold and de-
"Come in here."
The click of her heels was
slower, and then she appeared
in the doorway, her auburn hair
loose and flowing. An ornate dia-
mond bracelet on her slim right
wrist caught the dim, smoke-
filled light and flashed brightly
against her black velvet bodice
as she lifted her arm to brush
the hair over her shoulder. Joan
Masters stood a moment and
scowled at the large figure in
the tall armchair.
He chewed slowly on the end
of the cigar, apparently intent on
"Where were you?"
"How did your mother get to
-wherever she was going?"
Joan walked into the room and
lit a long cigarette with the sil-
ver table lighter.
"Mrs. D'Arcy came by for her.
I think they were going to play
She stood, waiting, but when
he said nothing, started for the
He only grunted.
Joan stopped suddenly, took a
deep breath and turned toward
her father. Her sharp features
were drawn and the green eyes
wide in her white face. Her slim
body became very rigid and her
nostrils flared as she watched
her father lift a half-full high-
ball glass and empty it noisily.
"Father . . . "
"I hit someone tonight."
Ed Masters set the glass down
with a bang, and rose furiously,
grunting as he lifted his great
bulk from the chair.
"Dammit, Joan, I knew it
would happen - drinking, driv-
ing too fast, running around with
He was waving his hands in
little up and down motions. She
flung her words at him, almost
"I wasn't drunk. And I was
Her voice became hoarse and
"It was raining and she
stepped in front of the car. I
. . didn't see her until I heard
the thud. It was awful."
She put her hands to her face
and trembled all over.
"How is she - what's her
He faced his daughter, squint-
ing at her, and still holding the
cigar between his fingers.
She straightened, and looked
at him squarely.
"I don't know. I didn't stop."
He glared at her, open-mouth-
ed, and she stepped back a little,
as if to get out of his reach.
"You little tramp! Do you
know what this can cost me? Hit
and run! Now what am I going
He rubbed his forehead with a
puffy hand and began to pace
the floor. Then he shouted at
"If you'd stayed in for a
change, this never would have
happened. Of all the damned ."
Her voice was loud again.
"What do you expect me to
do? Stay here and watch you
get drunk? Or sit in on Mother's
bridge games? If I had a home
His voice was higher, louder
now, almost screaming, and his
face was very red. They stood
in silence for a matter of mo-
ments, glaring at each other
Then Joan dropped her eyes,
and turning, walked away from
him. She spoke in a trembling
"What am I going to do?"
Her father seemed not to hear
her and started to pace the floor
"Your mother should be home
by now. Where is she?"
Joan clutched the back of a
chair, and her knuckles became
white as she dug her long red
nails into the upholstery.
"She'll scream at me too. And
she'll cry. I won't stay!"
Her voice cracked and she
started running toward the hall.
Her father's voice boomed after
her, and something of its hysteria
made her stop abruptly.
"Joan, come back!"
She turned, stared wide-eyed
and helpless for a moment, then
collapsed in the big armchair,
sobbing - nearly screaming at
times. Ed Masters' arms were
stiff at his sides, his fingers were
wide apart and his lips parted
as if he were in a trance. He was
(Continued on page 32)
SUZIE STEPHEN'S by ECAT
Can You Imagine Deah? The Dahling Freshman Wanted To
Know Why We call Him "Old Equalizer!"
Politics Made Easy
by Dave Hewitt
Wee Willie Wright was his
name and rightly named he was.
Wee Willie, called Wee, or Wil-
lie for short, stood a towering
five feet with his elevator shoes
on. His hair was arranged atop
his head in company formation
- Four columns abreast from
front to back. The Company
Commander hung limply over
Wee Willie's forehead. Two blood-
shot eyes glared out of two sunk-
en black holes. His mouth droop-
ed at both corners. His arms
hung limply down around his
knees. Willie was a mess. But
Willie was a crusader and at
present was crusading for the
return of prohibition.
Willie's Pappy had been one
of the finest mash-mixers to
ever come out of "Little Dixie".
His score on revenuers rose to
such astronomical figures that
instead of notching his gun he
kept a stray revenue agent
around and notched him.
Willie learned his trade well;
then catastrophe - the XVIII
Amendment was repealed.
After twenty years of wander-
ing around, Willie had finally
succeeded in arousing bootleg-
gers, lovers of white lightning
and university students in the
cause of bringing back prohibi-
tion - why buy a case of beer
when a pint of white lightning
would do the same thing? As
the movement gained momentum
Willie decided it was time to
unite with a national party soon
holding a convention and attempt
to organize things on a national
And so they came, out of the
hills, hallowed halls and haunted
habitats. Male, female and other-
wise. Into the "Windy City" they
swarmed. The nauseating odorif-
erousness of the Chicago stock-
yards greeted their eagerly up-
lifted noses. The cacophony of
the city greeted their ears. Ven-
ders on the street corners, in an
attempt to organize a movement
for the "Milkmaids," were ped-
dling "dragon milk" (milk from
short cows). Capone-like mob-
sters were entertaining the crowd
by playing staccato sounds from
Chicago typewriters on the
bodies of a few honest politi-
cians left in Chi. All in all, Wil-
lie was pleased. These were his
type of people.
At 1:00 A.M. the convention
hall appeared ready to burst at
the seams. Willie quickly enter-
ed a side door. He had chosen
not to lead the prohibitionists
from the platform, but instead
lead obstreperous demonstrations
from the floor, leaving the plat-
form to someone with a more
impressive physique. Glancing
quickly around, as was his hab-
it, Willie noticed something
which had thus far eluded him
in life - a big buxom blond (6'
tall, measuring 39", 24", 36" from
top to bottom). Talk about Blase
Exposes, this babe was it! She
was dressed in a vivid, red gown
with a plunging neckline ending
somewhere around her knees.
Willie was speachless, but not pet-
rified. He quickly sidled over
and lowered himself into the va-
cant seat beside her, gazed up-
ward into her lovely chartreuse
eyes and drooled. Willie was liv-
ing, momentarily at least . . .
The convention droned on. All
three factions of the National
Party had introduced their can-
didates. The prohibitionists seem-
ed to have the favorite, a big,
mash - nosed bootlegger. The
Milk-maids had made 0a heavy
showing by introducing their
candidate taking a milk bath on
the platform. The Wobblies were,
as their name implies, wobbly.
With Willie's demonstration it
appeared the convention would
be a pushover for the prohibi-
tionists. Half of the delegates
had already keeled over after
consuming huge quantities of
"White lightning" distributed by
the loyal sons of the party. But
where was Willie?
Down on Chicago's South Side
Wee Willie was having a ball
Millie, as Willie came to call
her, was in her rarest form -
dressed. She was leaning against
the bar in a stance comparable
to a military "parade rest". Wil-
lie's eyes were no longer sunken
into his head . . instead they
now bulged out.
"Millie, I-I-I've got to get back
to the convention hall, it must
be time for the demonstration."
"Why Willie," purred Millie,
"I was hoping you might have
time to give me a little demon-
stration around here some-
Willie, n e a r capitulation,
swooned, grabbed the edge of the
bar, pulled himself erect, lunged
at Millie and headed for the door,
dragging her along.
Hours later Willie wandered
up toward the now deserted con-
vention hall. Poor, bedraggled,
beat Willie . his eyes had again
sunk back into his head. Four
columns of hair lay flat on his
head. The Company Comamnder
was gone. Willie might as well
have been gone himself. Without
the demonstration he was to
have led, the Milk-maids had
succeeded in stampeding the
convention in favor of their bare,
The prohibition delegation was
nowhere to be seen. Back to the
hills, hallowed halls and haunted
habitats they had slunk. . . all
but one. Out of a the stillness
of the fog-drenched dawn came
again the staccato of a Chicago
typewriter. What had this to do
with ultimate reality? Willie
knew. As he sunk to the side-
walk, his guts burning like a
fresh pint of "White Lightning,"
Willie knew . . . he had failed.
Gasping for that last breath of
life, "Willie's eyes focused on a
figure that couldn't be mistaken
. . . Millie. She stepped slowly
over to where Willie hung, half
in, half out of the gutter. As she
nudged him, not too gently with
her foot, she also knew . . . she
hadn't failed. As the front line
of defense for legal beer and
liquor interests over the conntry,
she had done her job well *
A POLITICAL MENAGERIE
THE PHI DELTS AND
by Jack Duncan
The Phi Delts and the Betas
Were rugged M.U. men.
They feared not Dean nor Man
They spiked their orange drinks
This is the tale of that fallen
Of the set who once were idol-
But alas, no longer is this true
For they are socially unrecog-
The battle was joined one sol-
When birds were still and the
The feud began in an innocent
Two Delts trespassed the Beta
The Betas were shocked at this
And pounced upon the foreign
The clippers came out, and howl-
ing with rage,
The Delts went home without
The troops were shook when
they got the word
And vowed revenge on the Beta
Before the shameful thing re-
The final end - how little they
All that week when classes were
Enemies joined in a common
The plotted to finish what had
"We'll get those Betas, to Hell
That Saturday night while co-
Their dates marched on Beta
with bottles in hand.
The noble defenders retreated
And frustrated Phi Delts be-
seiged the band.
A wobbly freshman, smelling of
Smashed a front window and
started the fun.
The fortified Betas huddled in
As thirty-three windows turned
The local citizens called on the
And shortly a cruiser rolled
down the drag.
But, woe to the revelers, a pledge
pulled the stops
And flung through the wind-
shield a bottle of Stag.
The cops restored order and
jailed a few Greeks
But respite was short for those
in the brawl.
The fault was divided on both
of the cliques;
The Interfrat Council unsolializ-
Some epics have morals, this
don't by gosh
Swami suggest a change that is
This thought will mean little to
On the Beta lawn . . . perhaps
Oooo - I'm so excited that
Homecoming's pretty soon. They
have some deal here with a
Chump and Stump. And all the
hotels and motels are filled up,
so nobody has any reservations.
There's a game too, but I don't
guess I'll see too much of it. In
the drawing for seats our bloc
turned out to be the one on
Broadway between 6th and 7th.
But we've got that old spirit, so
we yell, boy! Everytime one
I've got date for the game,
though. November 20. Really, 1
am going with a boy; what can
he do since I stole his season
ticket? I hope he buys me a
pretty yellow chrysanthemum,
because I get pretty hungry at
those games. It's so much fun
when everybody cheers and just
goes wild. I like being wild. But
the most fun is house decora-
tions. We wanted to use the
them of "Lick Kansas," but we
didn't think it would be in good
Before we get to Homecoming
at all, though, we have to get
through mid-terms. I'm not wor-
ried at all, because when it comes
to studying, I'm a real deficien-
cy expert. I have a jiffy little
book by some men's honorary
on "How to Study."
The booklet suggests first to
schedule certain hours for class-
work and homework. So I've set
aside six a week. And next it
says, "Plan to study when you
I am never fresh. So that
doesn't sound very nice. Not only
that, but on page 2 the booklet
says, "Analyze your progress,
don't drift." That part's easy,
since I never get the drift of
Next the booklet deals with
theme writing. First: select apt
and colorful words. That's no
problem, because the teacher
puts so many read and blue
marking on my paper that the
words are bound to be colorful.
And then it says, "Are your
main points properly developed
and logically arranged?"-Well,
they're logically arranged.
Instead of worrying about
grades I'd rather think about
fashions. This year jumpers are
all the rage, but I'll take a good
dash-man myself. Or even one
whose specialty is discus, al-
though I'm not personally much
of a talker. One fellow was tell-
ing me about a pole vault, but I
should think it would be easier
to use a steel safe.
I love all sports, especially
bowling. Going with a date is the
best, because I like a boy when
he's sort of pin-conscious. I
wouldn't go bowling for the
longest time, though, because
Mother told me to stay out of
alleys. And some of the places
that people bowl . . . well .
they serve Beer. I've never, nev-
er tasted it, because you don't
get much of the flavor when you
The first time I ever drank
beer was at a political meeting.
A boy came up to me (he had
to; I was on the top step) and
asked me who I was suporting
in the general election. Well, I
know all about general elections,
even though we've had a West-
inghouse for years. So I was just
going to tell him, when he ex-
plained: "bi-annual elections."
And then I knew he was just
Oh well, this ought to add up
sum way . . . BARF!
TIGER HATTERS AND
Billy, in one of his nice new
Fell in the fire and was burned
Now, although the room grows
I haven't the heart to poke poor
Horace was a noisy child,
He nearly drove his parents wild,
Until his father, Dr. Fords,
Dissected out his vocal cords.
HOW TO GET VOTES
Follow the Fashions
Discredit the Opposition
Meet Big Men on Campus
Schepper's Distributing Company
TIGER LAUNDRY &
DRY CLEANING CO.
THE BIG DEAL
(Continued from page 14)
da. "You're a girl politician after
my own heart."
"Are you satisfied that I have
no concealed weapons?"
Brenda Sweatsock smiled sage-
ly. "Never conceal your best
A boy entered the closet as
Brenda left. It was Jack Slop-
saucer, Chairman of Coffee
"Greetings, Jack Slopsaucer,"
"Buenos dee-as, polly-boo-
france-caa and all that rot," said
Slopsaucer. He was the sophis-
"Why are your pockets stuffed
with student I.D. cards?" asked
Slopsaucer chuckled. "It's the
newest innovation of the party.
We don't stuff ballot boxes. We
steal the I.D. cards from the op-
position so they can't vote."
"What's your stake in this?"
"I'm the candidate for presi-
dent. Who could be more quali-
fied than I, Chairman of Coffee
Hour. Everyone that drinks cof-
fee is my friend. I'm also a big
man in the athletic department.
Would you like to hear my cam-
"Sure," said Hattie.
"It's, 'Speak softly and carry
a big strap,' " said Slopsaucer.
"That's got a lot of snap to it."
"Enough small talk. You are
about to meet the real power be-
hind the wheel - the man who
founded the party, the originator
of such great university tradi-
tions as the Beta lawn party,
panty raids, the student riot com-
mittee, student affairs for wo-
men and our great school cheer
'let's go north.'"
"Easy girl. Don't champ at the
bit," said Slopsaucer. "Every fil-
ly in the stable has been after
him, but he never puts his money
on the same horse twice."
"I'll play it cool," thought Hat-
tie. "This is a big deal."
Slopsaucer hurried her through
a crowded room. Ten people
were counting I. D. cards. They
entered a plush office. "S. B
this is Hattie Slinkslipper, Tri I."
"Just call me H.S.," said Hat-
"Hello, H.S." He turned and
laid his .38 automatic on the
plush desk. "Just call me S.B."
Hattie trembled. It was Stan-
ley Bigcheese, the handsomest
man on campus. "Why don't you
sit down over here, my dear," he
suggested indicating his plush
"This is strictly business, SB,"
she said. "You give us what we
want and Tri-I will vote with the
"Haven't you heard? Buying
votes is old fashioned. We steal
I.D. cards," he said.
"We print our own I. D. cards,"
"Why don't you just stick
around here? I'd like to get a
girl like you," he said.
"I repeat," said Hattie, "you
give me what I'm asking for
and Tri-I will vote with the par-
"O.K., what's your proposi-
tion," he said.
Hattie unrolled her list. "Three
positions on the Student Riot
Committee, 5 of the take from
the panty-raid, 4 girls on Cement
Slab, Program Chairman of Stu-
dent Affairs for Women, a major
Queen, and one girl on LSMFT
- highest honor for senior wo-
"Who made up this list?" ask-
"I did," said Hattie.
"Well d on e, Slinkslipper
You're a girl politician after my
"How right you are. Sign
"Sorry, Hattie. You'll have to
do better than that."
Hattie snatched the .38 auto-
(Continued on page 30)
RADIO ELECTRIC SHOP
63 NORTH TOBACCO STORE
Now Get That Cotton-Pickin' Thing Outta Here and
Don't Ever Bring It Back!
And As For Miss Jones' Qualifications. . . .
Didja Say Somthin' Ace?
Voters, Smitty, Voters!
Billy May Orchestra
Under the direction of Sam Donahue
8 to 12 p.m., November 20th
Tickets on Sale
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Student Union Ticket Office
CROWN AUTO PARTS
THE BIG DEAL
(Continued from page 27)
matic off the desk. She aimed
it at his Hoover button. 'Maybe
I can," she said looking charm-
Bigcheese, realizing that "dis-
cretion is the better part of va-
lor" signed the paper. Then he
turned. His face was distorted.
He twisted her arm until she
dropped the gun.
Tears dripped from her chin
as the bones began to crack.
"Break my arm. I dont care,"
she said bravely. "I got what I
"I usually get what I come for
too," he said. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," she sniffed.
Stanley's political heart was
touched by her loyalty to the
cause. "You've got guts," he
said. He kissed her passionately.
"Oh, S.B.," she murmured. She
slapped him with all the force
of her good arm.
"Call me Stanley," he said. He
twisted her good arm. "My mo-
ther used to before she went to
jail for bribing the income tax
Hattie pulled away coyly. She
was still playing it cool. Her re-
sistance swept away his natural
wariness. "Dont' try to resist me,
Hattie." He kissed her. "We were
made for each other."
"Your only love is for the
party," she objected.
"You've won me hands down,"
"That sounds good. Hands
down," she shouted running
around the desk.
"Together we can run this
campus. Marry me tonight." Hat-
tie, being a smart girl knew
when it was time to play ball.
She turned around and stopped
running. "I'll get 10% of the stu-
dent government budget and all
the profits from the Campus
Charity Drive. We'll have it
made in the shade."
Hattie laughed joyously. "As
our sorority founder said, 'It's a
sure thing that's made in the
shade." I Accept."
At the London zoo, a woman
asked the keeper whether the
hippopotamus was a male or a
"Madam," replied the keeper,
"That is a question which should
be of consequence only to anoth-
If all the students who sleep
in class were laid end to end,
they would be more comfortable.
There was a young fellow from
Endowed with such a delicate
When he read on the door
Please don't spit on the floor
He jumped and he spat on the
Sen. Flanders: Say, Stu, they
tell me you take milk baths.
Sen. Symington: Can't find a
cow tall enough for a shower.
* * *
Teddy Roosevelt became the
first bopster when he said, "Dig
* * *
Joe: Does your girl wrestle?
Moe: No, but you should see her
Phys. Ed. Student: Darnit, I'll
stand on my head or bust
Teacher: Just your head will do.
An actress longing for children,
married a director. Finally, when
she didn't have any, she divorced
him and married a producer.
* * *
Doc. Trimbull: How's that Phi
Delt they brought in last
Nurse: I think he's coming to.
He just tried to blow the head
off his medicine.
The Blue Shop
(Continued from page 17)
shaken from it by the shatter of
the highball glass, as Joan knock-
ed it from the table with a shift
of her elbow.
He walked slowly toward her,
looked intently at the shaking
form. Then he bent down, grunt-
ing, and picked up the pieces,
gathering them into a neat stack.
He laid his cigar in a heavy glass
ashtray, slipped his hands softly
into the pockets of his silk ma-
roon robe, and looked at her.
"Joanie . . . look, baby. May-
be it's not as bad as you think.
After all it was an accident. It
was a bad night; you couldn't
She was calmer, hiccoughing
quietly. With a soft gesture, he
laid his hand on her shoulder.
"Look, Honey; if you go to
the police right away, tonight,
it will be easier. They're bound
to find out anyway."
He lifted her gently by the
shoulders, and drew her to him
"Daddy, I'm scared," she said,
and slipped her arms around his
"Come on, baby, let's go. I'll
get our coats."
He started into the hall, to the
The doorbell rang with a pierc-
ing urgency; Joan wheeled and
"I'll get it," he said, "Stay
He pulled the door open and
a police officer stepped inside.
"What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Masters, could you come
with us? We'd like you to identi-
fy a body. I'm sorry, but it may
be your wife. We think it is."
"My . wife?"
Joan was at his side, clutching
He tried to speak.
"How . . when?"
"About an hour and a half ago.
She was crossing Lennox Ave-
nue. Must have been hit and
"My God," Joan gasped, and
tightened her grip.
He held her tight, leaning on
her, swaying heavily. He began
The officer said, "I'm sorry."
Anyone can play bridge, but
it takes a cannibal to throw up
a good hand.
This is the story of Johnny Mc-
Who ran thru the town with his
pants on fire
He went to the doctors and faint-
ed with fright,
When the doctors told him his
end was in sight.
New receipe for a honeymoon sal-
ad: Lettuce alone.
For months I thought I was a
fox terrier. Then I went to a
psychiatrist. He cured me. I'm
fine now, just feel my nose.
Telechamus: Knock, knock.
Odysseus: Who's there?
Odysseus: Homer who?
Telechamus: Homer papa, to me
you were so wonderful.
Then there was the man who
went blind from drinking cof-
fee. He left his spoon in it, and
it poked his eye out.
Two little boys, in age no
more than eight, were spell-
bound as they pressed their tiny
faces up against the window of
a barbershop. The barber was
giving his customer a hair singe.
"Gosh," said one of the boys,
"Lookit' what he's doin', Mickey
. search' for 'em with a torch."
Before I heard the doctors tell
The dangers of a kiss,
I had considered kissing you
The nearest thing to bliss.
But now I know biology
And sit and sigh and moan
Six thousand mad bacteria . .
And I thought we were alone.
A hug: Energy gone to waist.
THE PIZZA HOUSE
Esser Drug Store
Prof: If I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him from
doing it, what would I be
Voice: Brotherly love.
Officer: Hey, slow that truck
down. Don't you have a gov-
ernor on it?
Truck driver: No, sir. The gov-
ernor's back at the capital . .
That's fertilizer you smell.
Statistics show that Vassar
grads have 1.7 children, while
Yale grads have 1.3 children. It
merely goes to show that women
have more children than men.
They were showing some guests
around a mental institution, when
one of them asked the guard,
"How do you tell when these
poor devils have recovered their
The guard pointed to a tub of
water. "We turn on the water,
and suggest that the inmate bail
the water out until the tub is
"Anyone who isn't crazy," an-
swered the guard, "shuts off the
There were two cases in that
same institution of delusions of
An attendant said to the first
of these, "What makes you think
"God told me," he answered.
From the adjoining cell came
the voice of the other . . .
"I did not."
Prof: What is the difference be-
tween a little boy and a dwarf?
Student: There might be a lot
Prof: For instance?
Student: The dwarf might be a
The Campus Politician
by Judy Edwards
Cartwright is a campus man:
His program - the activity plan
A model of efficiency,
A live-wire, personality,
Splintering handshake, big white
The cutest wink and smoothest
Briefcase, notepad, Parker Pen,
Ace of all activity men.
Go you Tigers! he backs you;
Buys "Showme," "Student," too.
Coffee Hour and Glee Club-yes,
But still can't get in AWS.
Hellcats, Workshop, SGA;
"Join them all," we hear him
4-H, Red Cross, Art Guild, too,
Dairy Club and "Frolics" crew.
Nominations open now.
Look at Cartwright scrape and
"Hi there! Cartwright is my
On your ballot write the same."
"Politics are great," he grins,
And stuffs the ballot box and
A toast to Cartwright - raise
For Cartwright is a first class
Professor: This exam will be
conducted on the honor system.
Please take seats three spaces
apart on alternate rows.
Take A Break
at Andy's Corer
Two farmers were discussing
their son's progress at the uni-
versity, Ezra said, "I don't rightly
know what them degrees mean
that the boys are workin' for,
do you, Cy?"
"Reckons so," replied Cy. "The
first one is B.S., and you know
what that means." Being a man
of the world, Ezra knew. Cy
went on: "Well, sir, the next
on is M.S., and that means More
of the Same." Ezra nodded.
"Then comes the hard part. They
study night and day, put in years
of work, write lots of papers,
and then if they're lucky, they
get the highest prize of all, the
"And what does that stand
for?" asked Ezra. The answer
made sense. "Piled higher and
Did you ever notice what mo-
tel spells backward?
Red-Letter day: When Russians
read their mail.
Officer testifying before the Sen-
ate Committee on National Se-
curity: "There is no need to
re-locate the capitol, gentle-
men. No enemy would bomb
Washington and deliberately
end all this confusion."
Girls, beware of this one small
A secret engagement means no
girls on a summer holiday,
eware the handsome wolves of
Be discreet, and only mingle
With the obviously single;
Men are a deceptive lot:
Summer batchelors - some arc
If we get in a deeper
All you'll get for a dime
Will be a nickel.
* * *
Take your choice - be an old
maid and look for a husband
every day, or marry and look
for him every night.
He usually stops at hydrants
And a mail box won't make him
He'll also unload by a telephone
Who? . . Why, the driver of
The current investigations in
Washington and the opening day
of the fishing season tie in very
well. In each case, it's a safe bet
that the big ones will get away.
Beta: I drink nothing stronger
Pi Phi: And what does Pop
Traveler: Quick, give me a round
Clerk: Where to?
Traveler: Back here, you fool.
* * *
There is one advantage of
poor handwriting. It covers up
a lot of mistakes in spelling.
A father of 28 children sued
for divorce claiming he'd always
been unhappily married. "You
see, your honor," said the hus-
band, "I thought I'd eventually
lose her in the crowd."
* * *
Psychiatrist: to sad eyed patient:
Young man, I knew there was
a reason for your feeling of
inferiority, and now I know
what it is. You're inferior.
Don Smalls Record Shop
TOWN & COLLEGE MEN'S SHOP
Sigma Chi: Do you like Kip-
Pi Phi: I don't know. How do
Co-ed: Do you mind if I wear
velvet instead of silk?
Ed: Of course not. I'll love you
through thick or thin.
Two cross-eyed men met
squarely on the side-walk one
morning in a head-on collision.
"Why don't you look where
you're going?" asked the first
"Why don't you go where
you're lookin' " retorted the
The teacher was giving the
primary class a talk on flowers.
"Now children," she said "who
can tell me what makes the
flower spring from the seed?"
"God does it," answered one
little girl, "But fertilizer helps."
Mike: That's a queer pair of
stockings you have on, Pat-
one red and that other green.
Pat: Yes, and I've got another
pair like it at home.
You can't measure a person's
happiness by the amount of
money he has. A man with ten
million dollars may be no hap-
pier than a man with only nine
A little old lady riding on a
bus was anxious not to pass her
destination. She poked the dri-
ver with her umbrella and ask-
et, "Is that the First National
"No Madam," he replied,
"That's my stomach."
"Don't you think George
"Port wine to me is the nectar
of the gods, the elixir of life.
When I imbibe its fluid, my very
soul begins to throb and glow.
The music of a thousand muted
violins whispers in my ear, and
I am transferred to the make-
believe world of magic. On the
other hand, beer makes me
1st Kappa: Does he dress like
2nd Kappa: I don't know. I nev-
er saw him dress.
* * *
You kissed and told
But that's all right
The one you told
Called up last night.
"Young man, does your mo-
ther know you're smoking?"
"Madam, does your husband
know you speak to strange men
on the street?"
Beta: Do you feel like a cup of
Gamma Phi: No, do I look like
"Is that man rich?"
Is he! He's so rich that he
doesn't know his son's in col-
* * *
According to a story going the
rounds in Western Europe, one
Prague resident refused to join
the outcry against a new Stalin
statue in the city's public square.
"Why not a statue?" he said.
"It'll give us shade in the sum-
mer, shelter in the winter and
an opportunity for the birds to
speak for all of us."
Sudden Service Cleaners
As the wind whips up her Ber-
muda skirt, Marjean Gidens
smiles sweetly, bites the arm of
a passing freshman, and snarls
"Buy a Showme". The walk in
front of the Student Union tower
is always novelly decorated when
this co-publicity editor discards
her Greek toga - part of one
publicity stunt - to make knees
the news . . . for a quarter.
Marjean also decorates her
room in the A E Phi house -
with a collection of Showme
trinket, including the Merry-Go-
Round manikin whose sign read,
'I dreamed I worked for Showme
in my maidenform bra." Dressed
appropriately, she gazes across
the room at an enlarged Showme
cartoon with the caption, "No,
Jimmy can't come out to play
with you; he's dead."
She's another pre-journalism
major, planning to concentrate
on fashion reporting. Other in-
terests include scrabble with
"nasty" words, MEN, and a huge,
floppy toy dog, which goes with
her to bed every night.
Daughter of an army colonel,
Marjean spent the summer with
50,000 men at Fort Bragg, North
Carolina. She's wacky enough to
join the army herself, for she
plans as a secret publicity stunt
to blow up Jesse Hall, stand on
the ruins in her plaid Bermuda
skirt, and coo, "Would you-all
like a SHOWME?"
He's a man of few words, and
you can't print those." That's one
friend's description of Jack Dun-
can, who actually is a man of
curly black hair, glasses, and six
feet of muscle. The glasses are
to eliminate the difficulty of
drinking straight from the keg,
and the six feet are to lope all
over town digging up feelthy
ideas for Showme cartoons and
Jack often expresses such de-
votion to Showme as "If I were
editor of this magazine I'd em-
bezzle all the money." Usually
his remarks are prompted by a
setting like the Hink, and a po-
sition on a blanket, which helps
him warm up to his subject.
An ex-Marine with a flair for
judo, Jack even managed to
catch poison ivy on one Hink
party. He only broke off his two-
year business association with
the Marines because at the base
at which he was stationed "didn't
give me enough freedom." He
has not explained exactly what
he wanted that was not free.
Since an N.R.O.T.C. scholar-
ship is paying his way, Jack oc-
casionally wanders into a class-
room. Generally, the course will
be something Very Required for
J-school entrance. Since he's
only a freshman, those happy
days are still two years away,
but he already has a very real-
istic view of journalism which
he expressed recently: "Lets go
out and get some more beer."
YOUR 1955 SAVITAR