Missouri Showme May, 1955

Missouri Showme May, 1955 Missouri Showme May, 1955 2008 1955/05 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195505

Missouri Showme May, 1955; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1955

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Missouri Showme May, 1955 25 cents Ozarks Issue Schepper's Distributing Company Pucketts Coca-Cola Swami's Snorts Ain't gonna do it for a dime no more, Did it last night 'til my back was sore: Fifteen cents is now my price, I'll do it slow and I'll do it nice. Shoeshine mister? * * * * A wedding ring is like a tour- niquet - it stops circulation. * * * * They say if you don't drink, smoke, or run around with wo- men, you'll live longer. Actually, it only seems longer. * * * * Clinic nurse: "Every time I bend over to listen to his heart, his pulse rate goes up alarming- ly. What should I do?" Doctor: "Button your collar." The butcher was busy waiting on a customer when a woman rushed in and said, "Give me a pound of cat food, quickly." Turning to the other customer she said, "I hope you won't mind my getting waited on before you." "Not if you're that hungry," the other woman replied. Campustown waitress: "This is your fifth cup, sir. You must like coffee." Professor: "I sure do. That's why I'm willing to drink all this water to get a little." BAGNELL DAM AREA of the LAKE OF THE OZARKS LAKE PRINTING CO. Breezy Hill Swami's Snorts First student: "Do you think the Professor had enough fire in his speech?" Second student: "My opinion is he didn't put enough of his speech into the fire!" If a man removes his hat, he has one of two things - good manners or hair. Remember girlies: Alimony will do you no good on a cold night. The men in the nudist colony were giving the new entrant a bit more than a glance. One of them exclaimed, "Man, I'll bet she looks good in a sweater!" A telephone operator recently weighed herself on a fortune- telling machine. She turned the knob to this question: "Will I be successful?" The answer: "Yes. If you keep plugging, away at your job." The Jock took his Suzie to the ball game with only mild inter- est. "Look," he exclaimed at one point, "we've got a man on every base!" "So, what?" she asked languid- ly. "So has the other team!" J BAR H 4th Annual World Championship Rodeo TUESDAY NITE WEDNESDAY NITE THURSDAY NITE FRIDAY NITE SATURDAY NITE SUNDAY AT 5:30 R.C.A. APPROVED JULY 5-10 Camdenton, Missouri ON Lake of the Ozarks SEND FOR TICKET ORDER BLANK Newman's Jewelry SHACK Editor's Ego Well, so this is the Ozark Is- sue! After about four trips to the land of sky-blue waters, we had to take off for about a week to rest up from the white lightnin' and mountain women. Ole' Katy did her best when she sold a full- page ad to a place down there in Eldon, but the censor wouldn't let places like that advertise. Anyhow, we had fun, even though we did fall into the Lake a couple of times. Next year, it'll be different. We always say that. The Hinkson was flowing strongly and so was the soda pop when we got together for the last blast of the year. We'll have a banquet this Friday night at Moon Valley Villa and about 30 of Swami's slaves will be there to celebrate a successful year of handing out humor to Mizzou students. You, dear reader, have been good to us. We hope we have been as good to you. When we had the blast out at the Hinkson, little Bill Ent float- ed away down the Hinkson with a mouthful of straw. Jack Dun- can tried a few full face dives until he missed the ground and hit a little coed. It's a quick way to reduce, but you might reduce to nothing in nothing flat. There was a little music and singing, but the E string on the guitar got cold and it broke. Hor- ror of Horrors, Les started sing- ing his Nero song and we all end- ed up on top of the keg trying to pull Katy from around the spout. The contoritions that gal went into to get intimately at- tached to the keg! Next issue, we throw the cen- sor into the Hinkson and let 'er loose, entirely! If you miss this one, you'll miss the best one of the whole year. It comes out May 25th, right before finals! See ya then. Chip Staff EDITOR Chip Martin ASSISTANT EDITOR Earl C. A. Thompson BUSINESS MANAGER Jerry Powell ASSOCIATE EDITOR Mark Parsons ADVERTISING Barbara Breisch Bob Brown Pud Jones Deanne Fields ART EDITORS Jack London Duncan Dick Noel PUBLICITY Marjean Gidens Katie Kelly CIRCULATION Bill Howard Chuck McDaneld PHOTOGRAPHY Al Smith Warren Goeppel Tom Eblen EXCHANGES Carolyn Horn SUBSCRIPTIONS Helen Mortenson JOKE EDITOR Judy Jenkins Missouri Showme OZARK OZALIDS A HELLUVA GUIDE TO THE OZARKS All the necessities, plus a few extras which you'll want to know -- ------------- 14 DARK, BLACK NIGHT When an old six-shooter comes out of moth- balls, anything's apt to happen --------- 16 VACATION DAMN CHEAP Travel light and take a few pointers from an old pro and you can't miss ---------- - 18 KITTENS Kiddies are the thing . . .that's what ECAT does in this art page about little devils -- 19 MY DOLL Bob Williams tells the bitter truth about his personal fiasco at the Ozarks ---------- 20 Volume 31 May,1955 Number 8 ABOUT THE COVER Dan'l Boone and Davy Crockett treed Bar's in these here Ozark hills and folks are still brag- ging about it. This month's Showme cover brings you the inside story, as reported by the pen of ECAT, of the time that Swami, and some Ozarkian constituents, treed a bare - and kept very quiet about it. Of course Messrs Boone and Crockett didn't have as big a ball as Swami had to aid them in locating their quarry, but theirs might have been more durable - Swami is still recovering. SHOWME is published nine times, October through June, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Colum bia, Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. 302 Read Hall. When Spring and the blood get together, And books are too ponderous to take, Come down to this land so exciting, And diddle around on the lake. 8 Around The Columns Overheard A long, gangling youth with deep-set eyes and a sharp nose was reclining in one of the booths of the cafeteria in the Stu- dent Union and lazily eyeing the jelliers seated around the room. He raised his half-closed eye-lids and made this comment to a com- panion sitting across from him: "I sure will be glad for sum- mer vacation to get here so we can take it easy for awhile." Seven-Year-Itch There was the same little man who played like a candle and dated two girls in the same house. He sat on the window sill, look- ing out of Read Hall mournful- ly, watching the stream of stu- nents passing by. He scratched. Then he scratched again. And again. "Whatsamatter?" we says. "Well, there's either one of two things wrong." "Yeah!" "It's rumored that there's an epidemic of the seven-year-itch going around . . . it could be that . . . or, it could be poison ivy!" Anyhow, it would prove that Spring is here and the Hinkson breeds plenty of poison ivy or something. K-K-K-K-Katie It was during the spring vaca- tion that we picked up a Kansas City paper while we were at home and lo, there was an article carried on the wire about a little Showme staffer who was one of five students arrested in Colum- bia for moving a barricade and blocking a Columbia street. She later briefed us on the ae- tails. Seems that they were com- ing from the show and the Co- lumbia street department had placed an impediment to their line of travel. As they moved the barricade, the erring students failed to notice a squad car park- ed just a half-block away. It was a matter of minutes be- fore the lot were taken to the station house and questioned. The little gal, shaking in her jeans no doubt, couldn't even re- member her age and told the po- lice that she was 17 years old. The judge told them that she was so young and innocent that he couldn't bear to press charges, so he dismissed the crowd with only a reprimand. Which just goes to show that you can't tell a book by the box it came in. Same Line Anyhow, that former Zebe pledge was one of the many who felt the blunt blow of the guillo- tine and is no longer amongst us'ns He came over to the house early one morning and showed us the letter which he received, tell- ing him to git. And he tried so hard. Perhaps there are those who can rest easy that no unofficial statements will flow from that channel for the rest of the year. Especial note goes to Roger Co- hen of the Zebe house, for his concern over the brief statement of the pledge two months ago. Says Roger, "Our house never did levy a fine on anyone for vot- ing against the house." So, with that we return to a lighter side of the campus. Transients A friend of ours got married re- cently. She married a guy who travels here and there and stays about a month or two in each spot. They bought a house trailer so they could be together all the time. They went in to a furniture store here in Columbia and look- ed for a small bed to put in the trailer. "We just got married and bought a house trailer and we want a bed for it," said the young lady. "Yeh," said the new hubby, "a small one, good and strong. We expect to move around quite a bit." 9 The Way of all Flesh Reports have been flying around all the past two weeks about the 100-plus students who were re- moved from the University for delinquency reasons, ie; too many cuts and too bad grades. Perhaps many of us feel that the axe fell too close that time and are going to change our ways. We've been thinking over the sit- uation and come to the conclu- sion that perhaps we were over- looked. Anyhow, from now on, no more drinkin' beer on the nights before exams and such . no more Sunday afternoons out at the Stables . . . no more Fri- days at Breezy Hill . . . from now on it's serious business about making good grades . . . we'll spend all our free time from now on studying up on that which we've been putting off all se- mester . . . from now on . . . the straight and narrow . . . whazzat? Say you're going down to the Shack? Just a minute, I'll get my hat! Land of Likker Meanwhile, back at the ranch . .we made four trips down to the Ozarks to sell advertising for this issue. We doubled that of last year and put out a big, big maga- zine. But our trips were not without event. It was John who clumb in the back of the boat and steered it so crazily that water sprayed all over our new suit and got it all wet. We said, "What's the matter John, ain't you got a head?" John flushed and said. "I'm sor- ry, I'll do better." Lester almost got kicked out of one place down there when he showed a copy of the cover to some elderly, old gal who didn't appreciate the reference to the folks down thataway as hillbil- lies. "We'uns ain't hillbillies," she said. Lester turned and ran, not walked, to the nearest exit be- fore the attempts of a broom to change his hair-do. Then there was the other fel- la who offered to sell Lester a fiddle for 49 cents. "Young fel- la," he said, "I'll sell you this fiddle for 49 cents. Ah cain't tell why, but I think you need a fid- dle bad like." So we were driving through a small little town by the name of Linn Creek and we stopped to see if she really creaked. We walked into a small general store and sat on the cracker bar- rel a spell and rested our weary bones. Pretty soon this little, old, wrinkled-up man (they're all wrinkled up down there . . . they marry at thirteen or under) came up to us and said, "how about buyin' some likker from us, fel- las? That's our main industry down here." So we took a pint of White Lightnin' and tried it. Don't ask us if we got that cast-iron stom- ach plate from the war; we got it from the Ozarks. Every now and then it leaks, but you can't depend on modern plumbing any- more. Soft Balls This Saturday we drop the typewriters and paint brushes and head out to Cesmo park where we're going to match our- selves against the MANEATER staff in a softball game. Rules are that four girls must play on each side at all times. With the talent some of the Showme secretaries have, no doubt we'll win, but Swami sends a special message to all his staff to come to a practice this Friday right near the Hinkson creek, just North of the Stables. So far we have two pitchers, but we can use all the talent we can find. ECAT and Col. John (Ganunga) Peterson will be trad- ing places on the mound. Other positions haven't been filled, so report for play about 3: 30 in the afternoon. Swami won't have a water-carrier, but he'll guarantee that we won't go thirsty. So, drop your dolls and grab your soft-balls (the metre's lous- ed up, but will fix later) and we'll see you! Heat-Wave Daze It won't be long until finals and then cramming and taking stay-awake pills and aspirins and wishing you hadn't goofed off so much in the Union drinking cof- fee when it was time for study- ing and class and stuff like that . then it'll all be over and even though there may be a little an- xiety over the wait for the grade reports . . . most of us will feel real clean and eager to get home and away from this place. Great Jasper, what a feeling to bug out from Columbia with a handy six between your knees and some pretzels or potato chips next to you, driving like a bat out of hell towards the home and out- ings on the lake and tennis and sun-tans and watching people laying in the sand (always get those tenses mixed up), and from there going to the park at night and dancing or some outdoor sport, getting maybe a few chig- gers, but all in all, feeling like maybe it's worth it and ain't it a great world? Well . . .it won't be that way. We're going to summer school. Gawd, what a feeling to jump out of bed in time for the 7:40 class, going to school all morn- ing and sitting through a three hour lecture in the afternoon, it being so doggone hot in the J- school that you can hardly breathe, pounding the sidewalks, trying to get news out of dead Columbia, like trying to get pas- sion out of a Stephen's girl . . . then to the TV station to write the news cast and the next day, it happens all over. In August . . . intersession and more of it. Life is like a bowl full of cher- ries . . . all green. Sneakers One of our TV station friends who was with us watching a square dance the other night, moodily placed his hand to his jaw and said, "these women who wear skirts that fly and slips that don't are real sneaky. I don't ap- preciate 'em." Our condolences. We don't eith- er, Bob. ECAT Swami's successor has been named and ECAT will be carry- ing through the Showme tradi- tion next year in 302 Read Hall. All too soon, the minute birdies have flown by and the columns will be turned over to someone else. Hang on, though! One more issue comes out May 25 and as a last fling, we don't turn any- thing in to the censor. ECAT, like a rare few, joined Showme just a year before he was picked editor by the board of publications. He came to Swa- mi's hangout last September and was made art editor in a few months. Next September we'll be see- ing the pen and brush of ECAT directing the humor policy of Swami and continuing with his buxom, sexy gals in the cartoons which were a refreshing addition to the magazine this year. chip 11 Morning Rendezvous Hammond and Irwin Jack salmon fishermen row through the mist of turbulent waters in anticipation of an early morning catch. Lovers' Leap Hammond and Irwin Favorite trysting point at junction of Osage and Niangua Rivers. Scenes at the Lake of the Ozarks Lookout Bluff Hammond and Irwin On horseshoe bend drive near Lake Ozark. "Duck Head Point" Witman One of the unusual aerial views near the dam. "a flask of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou beside Me." How does that grab you? 13 A Helluva Guide to the Ozarks by bob williams In conjunction with its policy of keeping its public posted on all of the latest affairs, happen- ings and doings, Showme pre- sents a handy pocket guide to vacationing in the Ozarks. You'll need to know such things as what to wear, how to dress, what to take, where to eat, drink and sleep, and how to get there. How to get there: You can drive (if you have a car), fly (if you have a plane), or take a train, (if you have the money). We don't recommend a bus trip for anyone with kidney disord- ers, but a healthy athlete might survive fifteen or twenty miles travel on a bus, providing he was 14 drunk enough when he started. If you have a tractor, by all means drive it, as it not only affords good cheap transportation, but when you get there you have a mode of transportation approved by the natives, and we don't want to do anything to offend them. What to wear: Forget such in- congrous garbs as suits, sport coats and so forth. All you will need, boys, is a pair of big over- alls, a chambray shirt and a pair of well run-down brogans. Girls, you may want to dress a bit more formal, and take along a sweater. Not more than one, however, and it should be at least three sizes too small. Don't you dare forget your swimming suit, for if you should happen to attend a moon- light beach party without it you'd have nothing to get out of and swim raw. What to Take: The following items have been found by the ex- perts to be indispensable: wire cutters, for cutting Ozark steaks; aspirin, for cutting Ozark hang- overs; benzedrine, for cutting Ozark fatigue; a bottle of Scotch, for cutting up; a blanket, for cut- ting out early at the beach par- ty with your girl; and a mustard knife. Where to eat, sleep, and drink: Take a lunch, a blanket, and a case of Hey Mabel . . . One more point: By all means, if you should get to Bagnell, rent one of those little peddle boats and take your girl peddling. Bummin' Around Golly, there's just nothing like signing up for new courses and this advanced regimentation is really fun. It's the old story of a cute boy handing you a line, only this time you're never sure whether to put your name on it or stand on it. But you know, my silly advi- sor keeps bothering me about my last semester's grades. It seems you are supposed to pass on curves, when that's the way the teacher grades. But I didn't do too well. As a matter of fact, I owe the University honor points! Of course, you know what they tell you, that grades aren't im- portant anyway and it's all in a girl's social development. So we're just developing away. There's lots of things you can do in a darkroom. Except the way I feel is if you're going to be in the dark about things, you might as well go to a movie. It's so romantic to stand up in the balcony while your lover calls, "Come on down here, Stupid, we can get better seats." But I don't care for this Cinemascope and Cinerama and stuff. Like my mother says, they ought to keep the Cin out of movies. Another thing my mother says is that I should start getting more sleep. So I've really been trying - about quarter of 11 I close my little eyes and drift off until the bell rings for my lunch break at 11:30. Of course the reason it's called a break is that you eat at the Union and then you're broke. Sort of that helpless feeling like you get when you're in a car and too tired to argue. You know, it sure is exciting to be a second-semester sopho- more and have this be my last semester of gym. Right now I'm taking preventives, which doesn't really prevent anything, but is sort of like body mechanics. They tell me four or five boys in En- gine school have already decided to be body mechanics, as a mat- ter of fact. Isn't that touching? Personally, I'd just be plain old housewife, except who wants to be the wife of a house. And when you look at it that way, "home- maker" isn't much better. So maybe I'll just stay the way I am - unengaged, unpinned, and thanks to the Shack, unsteady. * * * * "Dad I'm in love with a girl!" "That's wonderful son. You couldnt' have made a better choice." * * * * First: Suzie: "Did you know I'm going to be married?" Second Suzie: "No! Why I thought you hated men . . . " First Suzie: "I do, but this one asked me to marry him." Once upon a time there were three co-eds: a great big co-ed, a medium-sized co-ed, and a lit- tle co-ed, who went for a walk in the woods. When they came back they were tired, so they went to their rooms. All of a sudden: "Someone's been sleeping in my bed," said the great big co- ed in a great big voice. "Someone's been sleep in my bed, too," cried the medium siz- ed co-ed in a medium sized voice. "Good night girls," said the little sized girl with a little sized voice." As the great ship was going down, the captain lifted his voice to ask: "Does anyone know how to pray?" One man spoke confidently in answer: "Yes, captain. I do." "Then," said the captain, "you pray. The rest of us will put on the life belts. We're one short." * * * * Dong, dong, dong dong, Dong, dong, dong dong, Dong, dong, dong, dong. Twelve o'clock! Dark, Black Night by john peterson It was a dark, humid night, typical of the Ozarks in autumn. The black Mercury sped along the desolate country road, its headlights probing the blackness. " . . . the theft was estimated at $95,000. The bank-robbers are believed headed toward the Ozark region in a late model black sedan" Eddie Malone click- ed the radio off. "I told ya we waited too long, Hank." He lit a cigaret with shakey hands, "That old guy across the street. Ya shoulda fin- ished him off. He's probably got our faces memorized. Now the cops got us pinpointed. Sooner or later we're gonna have to stop for gas and . . . " "Get off that kick," Hank Zap- pia interrupted bruskly, "nobody back here will of heard about it. They probably ain't heard of ra- dios yet. We oughta find a gas station purty soon now." Hank breathed a relaxed confident sigh, "We ain't in no trouble," he said. Malone flicked his unsmoked cigaret out the window, "we bet- ter find gas quick," he grumbled, "we been riding on air for ten minutes." The car swerved around a curve throwing a hale of gravel into a field of soya beans. The headlights picked up a little store of rough-hewn lumber. A soli- tary gasoline pump stood in bold relief against a much-weathered clapboard leanto. Hank braked and turned off onto a dirt lot, "here's our refill now," he said. "Geeeze, what a wierd look- ing place. Sorta gives you the creeps don't it Hank?" Malone glanced about nervously. The only door in the little building swung open and an old man limped toward them. He was tall and incredibly thin. His face was the yellow of fresh turned clay. His skin was tight across his cheek bones but sunk abruptly into hollowed cheeks. His long hair curled around his ears and down his skinny neck, and a ragged little goatee composed of eleven or twelve whiskers sharpened his al- ready pointed chin. Only his eyes showed life. They were like em- bers that had smouldered for a long time - blue-gray on the outside but there was still fire there. "Evening," he said, "what ken I do fer ye, fellers?" "Filler up . . . fast," Hank or- dered. The old man hobbled to the pump, "Right away, soon as I crank up old Bessie here . . sure is a nice night ain't it?" he paused for an answer but receiv- ed none, "Been travelling far?" he persisted. "Yah, Sure . . . eh . . . hurry it up with that gas will you dad," Hank urged. "Hold yer horses young feller. I'm 'bout done . . . there ye are." He stooped, peered at the meter, and then came forward. "That'll be $5.45," he said. Hank fingered a ten from his wallet and started to hand it to the old man. He looked up di- rectly into the barrel of an old revolver. The money fell from his hand. "I listen to the radio too ye know boys," the old man explain- ed. His eyes gleamed with new fire. "I told ya I didn't like the looks of this place, Hank," Eddie whimpered. "Shut up," Hank said and turn- ed his attention to the old man. "Listen, old timer, its worth a thousand bucks to ya not to turn us in to the law," he reasoned. "Oh, I wasn't plannin' to turn ye in," the old man replied. "You'll let us go then?" Eddie asked anxiously. "Uhn-uh, cain't do that boys," he scratched a lean jaw with his gun barrel reflectively. He lower- ed the gun again. A grim smile outlined his lips, "I think I'll just shoot ye and keep that there sachel," his voice held grim fi- nality. He thumbed back the hammer and a creaking click shattered the silence. "Don't be a fool," Hank whin- ed, "Cops'll jus get you then. Give you twenty grand to let us go, please," he was slobbering on his tie, his eye balls were pro- truding as if trying to escape from their sockets, he was sweat- ing profusely. "Please," he screamed. The wrinkled, work-hardened, old hand clenched. There was a loud report. Not like a gun but like a hand grenade. The gun seemed to explode. Rusted steel rebelled and flew into thousands of pieces. Hank squealed - a high shriek, and pitched forward onto the wheel clutching his chest. The old man reeled back holding his face with his hands. Blood oozed from between his fingers and then his whole head seemed to turn red like a night- blooming flower. Eddie opened the door and pushed Hank out. He slid into the driver's seat He threw the ten out the window, "Here, pop, buy yourself a Junior-G-man kit." He laughed. He laughed hard as he pulled back onto the road. Then an unusual calm set- tled over him as he realized he was running things now. He was making the decisions. "Damn clunk didn't even wipe the windshield," he muttered. * * * Vacation Damn Cheap! Paper suitcases, toothbrushes and cockroaches. by BOB WILLIAMS Would you like to take a va- tion this year? Would you like to roam the meadows and the hills, play golf, swim, fish, boat, and generally make yourself use- less to society for a period of time ranging from two days to two weeks? You would? Honest? So would I. But we all know how much money it takes to va- cation and vacation well, don't we? Don't we? O.K., we don't. I do, though, and I've been drinking cheap gin ever since my last vacation. I can't afford any more like that, so all year I've been figuring and compiling, ad- ding locations to my list, budget- ing, and inquiring at various re- sorts, and I've come up with what may turn out to be the poor man's trip abroad. What are my results? Listen closely. Hit the Ozarks. Hit 'em hard, fast, and low. Follow my few rules listed below and find your- self all vacationed up with a min- imum of expense. First, buy yourself a cheap, pressed paper suitcase, one that you don't care whether or not you lose. This should cost you about $1.75, the largest item on your shopping list. Next, buy a large MU sticker to paste on your suitcase, bringing your total ex- penditure to date up to about $2.25. Keep in mind, however, 18 that if you have an opportunity to steal these things, by all means go ahead, thus saving a large amount. Pack your swimming suit, toothbrush and a clean handker- chief into the bag. No more than this, though, as we have another use for the suitcase later on, as we shall see. Get out on the high- way, put out a thumb, and soon, with luck, you're on your way to the land of dreams. No fare, no sweat, no strain. So far, so good. When you get to the Ozarks, take a cab from the edge of town to the second best hotel, telling the cab driver that you'll be out with the fare as soon as you get a check cashed. Enter the hotel, go through the lobby, out the back door, and down the alley to the best hotel, where you walk in the back door and register. If possible, get two or three rooms, as you are not going to pay for them anyway, and you might want to throw a party or two while you're there. After you've cleaned up and rested a bit from your trip, you'll probably feel a bit hungry. Search around the baseboards in the room, and you'll probably un- cover a cockroach or two. Cap- ture one of the little fellows and cage him in a matchbox. Take him to dinner with you, because he will pick up the tab, indirect- ly. After you've enjoyed almost a full meal, look around and see that no one is looking at you, then with utmost caution, take your little friend out of his box and slip him into the remains of of the mashed potatoes. Wait a few seconds, and then scream. Throw a fit. A tantrum. This will bring the manager running, and if you are not a terrible liar, you will be able to flounce out of the restaurant, sans payment, muttering, "The BBB will hear of this!" This method will work in each restaurant in town once, but af- ter that, rely upon your own genius for methods of eating free. I really need go into no de- tails about sneaking into theatre exits, swimming pools, and so forth, but you might need a han- dy tip on how to get your liquor free. This is sometimes a prob- lem, but if you follow my direc- tions, you will have no trouble. Simply go into a liquor store, or- der three cans of cheap beer, and when the sales clerk turns to get the brew, lean across the coun- ter and pilfer two or possibly three bottle of hard-type liquor. When the clerk returns with your beer, tell him that you've changed your mind, and don't want it after all. Then walk, do not run in panic, to the door, be- ing careful not to drop your car- go. (Continued on page 32) Give me back my secret code hider ring, an I'll call it even. Buzz off Brando, I got this broad sewed up. But we always keep THAT drawer locked! It is so a word! James James invented it. Kittens by EEAT My Doll She said "you hog, why can't you be satisfied with a hamburger," and that's the only thing I got. by bob williams Last year I went down to the Ozarks just about this time and and I had a good time even though I didn't stay very long because we just went down there on Saturday morning and came back Saturday night. I say we, because there were three of us and I'll tell you how come there were three of us. I was resting my eyes laying in bed on a Friday night and I got a phone call from this chick I know over in Gentry and she is a real doll, what you'd call a real doll. Now I had always sort of been warm for this dish, her name was Jeanie, and I had ask- ed her to go out with me a couple of times but she said, "No, I don't want to go out with you," so I took the hint and never asked her no more. So you can imagine how surprised I was when she called me that Friday night and asked me did I want to take her on a picnic down to the Ozarks the next day and I said sure be- cause I had always wanted to take her out as I said before and here she was asking me to go out with her. She said then that there was somebody else who wanted to go along and I said OK I'll pick you up at Gen- 20 try at eight Saturday morning and she said Fine, be sure to have the top down on your car because it'll probably be a nice day. So at eight o'clock on Satur- day morning I was sitting out front of Gentry waiting for Jeanie and pretty soon she came walking out and when she saw me in my car her eyes lit up and she said, "Hello Stupid I see you washed your car," and I grinned like Tony Curtiss and replied, "Yeah it looks pretty good huh?" I asked her where was the other girl that wanted to go along and she said, "Oh, you silly fool it's not another girl, it's a boy," and would I drive by Cramer and pick him up?" I said OK and put the car in gear and started off, but I no- ticed she didn't have any lunch packed and I asked her if she didn't forget the lunch but she just sneered in her cute little way and said, "You dumb gook I ain't going to pack a lunch for you what's tha matter are you too tight to buy lunch for me?" and I said, "No, but I don't have much money," and she asked how much I had and I said about fif- teen bucks and she said that'd be plenty and to give it to her and she'd take care of the expenses so I did. We picked up this guy and his name was Jack. He seemed like a pretty nice guy and I figured maybe she asked him to go be- cause he could keep us entertain- ed with his jokes - he had a good sense of humor and didn't seem to mind that he didn't have a girl. I was getting set to pull away when Jeanie said, "Hey you get in the back and Jack'll drive and I'll sit in the front seat with him," so I got in back figuring maybe she didn't want to get her hair messed up sitting in back and anyway maybe Jack was a pret- ty good driver so what the hell. We got down to the Lake about noon, and Jeanie figured it was about time for lunch so we stop- ped in at a restaurant on the highway and went in. Jean and Jack both ordered fried chicken on the dinner and I figured I would too but Jeanie got a little mad and said, "You hog why can't you be satisfied with a ham- burger,' 'and I guess she was real- ly looking out for me cause we didn't have much money so I said OK I'll have a hamburger and a bottle of beer and she got mad again. She said we weren't going to drink anything until that night and she told me to go sit in the car and eat my hambur- ger. Since it was a nice day and I didn't care much for the cafe anyway and I wanted to make a good impression on Jeanie I went on out and sat in the car and ate my hamburger. In about an hour they came out and they smelled pretty much like they'd been drinking beer, but I guess it was just the chicken or some- thing 'cause they said they wern't going to drink anything until Saturday night at the lake. They seemed pretty pooped and I said I'll drive awhile and Jack said OK and got in the backseat and Jeanie got in with him say- ing that Jack didn't feel so good and she'd sit with him and wipe his face for him and I said OK and pulled away. I got back on the highway for a couple hundred yards and then spotted the turnoff to the lake and started down it. It was about four miles from the highway to the lake and about half-way there I turned around to see how Jack was feeling and Jeanie was kissing him and they were all cuddled together so I got kind of mad because after all who's date was she and I said, "Hey who's date are you," and she broke the big clincher and turned to me and got mad as hell and said, "Damn you, if you were sick wouldn't you want a little affection?" and I had to admit that I would so I let it drop but it still hurt a lit- tle. So we got to the lake and I got out and went over to the bath- house and put on my swimming suit and went in for a little dip. When I came out I noticed that Jean and Jack had taken my blanket out of the car and had spread it out on the beach and were back in a clinch and it look- ed like they were really making love not just consoling each oth- er but I was afraid to say any- thing because I was beginning to notice that Jeanie had a real temper. So I went back in and swam some more. Pretty soon I got kinda hungry so I fig- ured I'd go get a hamburger so I went up to Jack and Jean and tapped them on the shoulder and told them that I was going for a hamburger and Jean start- ed to get mad but pretty soon she saw that I was hungry and gave me four-bits and said drink a beer too so I walked up the road because it wasn't far enough to crank up the car and anyway I needed the exercise. There was a little cafe about a half a mile up the road and that's where I went. While I was sitting there eat- ing my hamburger and drinking my beer, I looked out and saw my car go by and I figured that it was Jeanie looking for me so I ran out and shouted at her and sure enough it was her and Jack and they were going up the road like a bat out of hell and I guess they didn't hear me be- cause they didn't stop. I waited around for an hour or so and then began to think that maybe they thought I'd gone back to Columbia on the bus or something because I was mad which I wasn't so I went up to the highway and started trying to thumb a ride back to Colum- bia. A couple of busses came by and I would have flagged one down but I didnt' have any money so I just thumbed. There wasn't much traffic on the road and I had a hard time catching a ride but I finally did and he was going to Columbia so I said fine. It was after mid-night when I got in so I didn't go by Gentry or Cramer instead I went home and went to bed. The next morn- ing I called Jeannie and she wasn't home but Sunday after- noon she called me and I was happy to hear from her and I wanted to let her know that I wasn't mad and ask her why she ran off like that and she said, "Never mind Jerk," and said my car was down on Broadway out of gas and to go get it. She said she had a wonderful time and I said (Continued on page 22) Campus Jewelers MUSICAL WINE SKINS Smith Self-Service Laundry (Continued from page 21) so did I and she hung up and I went down and got my car and while I was pushing it to a fill- ing station I thought that I was sure lucky to have a girl like Jeanie and boy what a time I'd had in the Ozarks and I'd have to tell the guys all about it but I guessed I wouldn't because I'm not one of those guys who kisses and tells. Anyway this year I'm going back and this time I'm taking a bunch of people with me and if you want to go along just give me a call and I'll see if I have room for you. Bring a date, 'cause I'll have one - I'm taking Jeanie again - she called me this morning and asked me to take her and I'm looking forward to it because I am kind of warm for Jeanie and I haven't been out with her since last May. * * * The Kappa Sigs stole the SAE's bathtub last month, but they haven't taken it back yet because nobody's missed it yet. * * * * Officer: Move that car along. Student: Don't get fresh. I'm a Delta. Officer' I don't care if you're a whole penninsula. Move that wheck. * * * * Kappa: Why are you sore at Bill? Pi Phi: He proposed to me last night. Kappa: That's nothing to get sore about. Pi Phi: You don't know what he proposed. Electric razors that marry doorbells have little humdingers. Bill: I suppose that you heard that poor old Al killed his wife. Bud: No . How? Bill: With a golf club. Bud: How many strokes? Swami's Snorts The firing squad was escorting a Russian comrade to his place of execution. It was a dismal march in a pouring rain. "What a terrible morning to die," muttered the prisoner. "What are you kicking about?" asked a guard. "We gotta march back in it." * * * * A farmer visiting a state men- tal hospital was strolling about the grounds when he came upon an inmate sprawled restfully un- der the shade of a tree. After a word of greeting, the man sat up and eyed his visitor with in- terest. "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a farmer." "Farmer, huh? I used to be a farmer. Darned hard work." "Sure is," agreed the visitor. "Ever try being crazy?" "Why, no," said the visitor in surprise. "You oughta try it sometime, declared the inmate as he lay down in the shade. "Sure beats farmin' " * * * * The traveling salesman pulled up beside the farmhouse, hopped out of his car, leaped up on the porch, and rang the doorbell. A moment later a beautiful girl with long brown hair and soft blue eyes answered his ring. "Boy, I'll bet you're the farm- er's daughter," exclaimed the salesman. "No," said the girl, "I'm his housekeeper." * * * * "Why are you so sad, darling?" "Oh, George, I was just think- ing that this will be the last night we'll have together until tomor- row." GOLD DIST. CO. J. Johnson Fruit & Produce Co. I'm sorry, Mr. Doughly, But our customs are a bit different thaan those at Van Snoot Prep School. Stuff Deere's Motel Italian Village A Day in the (Cotton Pickin) Ozarks writ by hand by Ed Preuss Zesto Newman's Jewelry Acey Jones Oh, come all you tigers if you want to hear, The story of a crazy young engineer: Acey Jones was the bounder's name, He drove a fifty Chevvy to a mighty fame. The Dean called Acey about half passed four, Acey met him at the office door: He said, "Get the Gov'nor, there's a lot at stake, I hear that a panty raid is on the make." Acey Jones, jumped into the Chevvy, Acey Jones, with his beer stein in his hand: Acey Jones, jumped into the Chevvy, Took his farewell ride to the promised land. Acey rodded out to sixty three, The fog was so thick he could hardly see: The panty raiders knew by the engine's groans, That the man at the throttle was Acey Jones, Acey was going south on the fly, He was going for the Guv'nor, do or die: Little did he know that a spy up ahead, Had sworn to stop poor old Acey dead. Just one more curve, then the Capitol town, Acey held his lead foot down: He knew his life hinged on that goal, And if he was late, that his head would roll. Acey took the curve hittin' ninety three, In the road ahead was a sawed down tree: Acey was cool, but now he's dead, The panty raiders had phoned ahead. Acey Jones, jumped into the Chevvy, Acey Jones, with his beer stein in his hand: Acey Jones, jumped into the Chevvy Took his farewell ride to the promised land. The Stable ELDON CHAMBER OF COMMERCE Play-A-Day Swami's Snorts "Did you get the job?" "No, and I can't understand it. When the manager asked me if my punctuation was good, I told him I never have been late in my life." A conscience is a killjoy! It takes away the fun You had in doin' somethin' Ya' shouldn't oughta done! *** There's this one about a woman's weight; She always wants to change it, To put some on or take some off Or just to rearrange it. If she's prone to make mistakes -that's how she'll make 'em! The Army Psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlist- ed rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: "What do you do for your so- cial life?" "Oh," the man blushed, "I just sit around mostly." "Hmmmmm - never go out with girls?" "Nope." "Don't you even want to?" The man was uneasy. "Well, sort of." "Then why don't you?" "My wife won't let me." * * * * Two fraternity men got to ar- guing about a lady. One word finally led to another and they finally agreed to settle the mat- ter by a pistol duel out on the Hink. At 7:40 on the appointed morning Frat man A was on hand with his pistol, his second and his physician. A few minutes la- ter, a messenger arrived with a note from Frat man B. Dear Sirs: "If I'm late don't wait for me. Go ahead and shoot." "But Where's YOUR Safety Belt?" Knight's Drug Shop Ozark Annie's Dari Delite The Fountain Motel ANDY'S MEAT MARKET CHEAP VACATION- (Continued from page 18) At the end of your stay, you may be concerned with getting out of the hotel without paying. There is some reason for this concern, but do not let it bother you, as almost everyone has this feeling and it is quite normal The operation must be carried off smoothly, and you should not at- tempt it if you are not in prime mental and physical condition. Put your toothbrush, swimming suit and handkerchief into your pocket, and fill your suitcase with rocks (previously smuggled, one at a time, into the room). Take the suitcase down to the lobby, place it firmly by the desk, and ask the clerk to figure up your bill, telling him that while he is doing so, you will go up and see if you left anything in your room. The hotel will not have an elevator, so you will go up the stairs. Only as far as the second floor, though, as in case there is no fire escape, any higher a drop would be disastrous. Go to the window at the end of the hall, and either climb or drop. The drop won't be bad, and will not hurt you any. Now you are free from debt, but you must walk to the high- way, as you cannot take a cab. Avoid the main street, and when you are out of town, start run- ning. It should be easy to get a ride back to your home. Well, there you are, and to conclude, I'd like to wish you a Bon Voyage and a Happy Time on Your Budget Vacation. Swami's Snorts A film actor took his wife to the hospital for the birth of their first child. For the purpose of the film on which he had been working, the father-to-be sport- ed a two-weeks growth of very dark beard. While waiting anxiously, he was joined by another expectant father - haggard young man who paced the floor for several minutes before noticing the first man sitting in a corner. When he did spot him, the young man turned pale. "Good heavens," he said, "how long have you been waiting!" * * * * Platonic love is like being in- vited down in the cellar for a bottle of ginger ale. Willie's mother was giving him a lesson in the art of brotherly love. "Even if you fought with Dan- ny," she said, "shake hands and make up before you go to bed. Remember, he might die before morning." "All right," grumbled Willie. "It's okay if he dies before morn- ing, but he'd better look out if he doesn't!" JOHN WHITE MOTOR CO. Jude's Cafe POWELL'S SUPREME VIEW THE CAVE INN Bridal Cave Swami's Snorts 1st Theta: Jim's father is Ger- man and his mother is Eng- lish. 2nd Theta: I guess that's why he hates himself. Adam and Eve had an awful time-- Truly I am no liar; They couldn't have owned a car at all Because they lacked attire. "Was Wilson drunk the other night?" "Drunk? He heard a good or- chestra on the radio, and turned it off so that he could save it for later." Eiffel Tower - a French erec- tor set that made good. The best way to drive a baby buggy is to tickle its feet. Never take a spoon without wiping it off. That is, if you want to keep your pocket clean. * * * * She was only an iceman's daughter, but she had a frigid air. Swami's Snorts Sex is that thing which puts writing on a paying basis, and makes psych professors respect- able. * * * * I got a dog, his name is Rover. He's fluffy and soft and brown all over. He's as cute and cuddly as sugar babies. It's sure too bad that he's got ra- bies. * * * * Drunk: Whatcha lookin' for? Cop: We're looking for a drowned man. Drunk: Whatcha want one for? Customer - "Do you have no- tions on this floor?" Floorwalker-"Yes, madame but we try to surpress them during working hours." * * * * It was Junior's first day in school, and when he got home his mother asked, "Did you learn anything today?" "No," he replied in disgust. "I have to go back tomorrow." * *** Dr. Trimble: I think the boy in 312 is regaining consciousness. Nurse: Yeah, he tried to blow the foam off his medicine. * * * * "I don't know who I am. I was left on a doorstep." "Maybe you're a milk bottle." * * * * Customer: Waiter, I'll have Spu- moni Vercelli. Waiter: I'm sorry sir, but that's the manager. Customer: I know. I'm a canni- bal. SUZIE STEPHEN'S - by ECAT Rahelly Dahlings -- Pater Insists It's just like the Riviera, with bushes. Miller's H.R. Mueller Florist EBERT'S BEACH Bradys DORN - CLONEY CLEANERS Messenger's Resort Swami's Snorts Pa loved Ma Ma loved men Here lies Ma Pa's in the pen. * * * * Doctors keep telling us that drinking is bad for us . . . but we notice a lot more old drunks than old doctors. * * * * In a Red Cross class the in- structor was quizzing her stu- dents on common sense in life- saving techniques. "What article of clothing," in- quired the teacher, "would you remove last if you fell in the wa- ter with all your clothes on?" One little freshman raised her hand. "The blouse," she said, "air gets under it and acts like a buoy." Class dismissed. Flat nosed teacher: Now, class, watch the blackboard, while I run through it once more. * * * * A good name is to be more desired than riches - especially when the girl you gave it to starts looking for you. * * * * Two birds in the bush are nev- er up to anything good. Swami's Snorts "What's all the hurry?" "Just bought a new textbook and I'm trying to get to class be- fore the new edition comes out." * * * * An American woman traveling in France was at a party one night, and was introduced to a former Russian Grand Duke. Trying to make an impression on him, she showed him a long chain of machalite beads, a semi- precious stone, which she had purchased on a trip abroad. "Aren't they wonderful?" she said, running her fingers through the beads. "And they cost me a fortune," she added confidential- ly. "I know," said the nobleman "my mother had a staircase made of it." The farm had been mortaged and their life's savings had gone to give daughter a college educa- tion. Paw was driving the truck to the station to call for her after graduation. She climbed in be- side him, slipped an arm through his, and whispered: "I want to confess something, Pa, I ain't a pure little girl any- more." Pa dropped his face in his hands and wept bitterly. "After all the sacrifices me and Ma made for your education and you still say ain't." Malibu Beach POWELL FLORIST MAC'S - TAVERN LAKE BREEZE RESORT El Rancho Resort LARRY'S OZARK TRADING POST WATTS' Ted Willard Druggist Swami's Snorts Friend: What is your son going to be when he passes his final exam? Father: An old man. Washington: Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the cherry tree. Father: That's all right, it was dead anyway. * * * * Then there was the cross-eyed teacher who had no control ov- er her pupils. * * * * "What are you writing?" "A joke." "Well, give her my regards." "In Xanadu did Kubla Khan Back into a 'lectric fan And screaming ruination ran Through caverns measureless to man, Down to a sunless sea." * * * * "The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on." (ever have it happen to you?) "Wake! For dawn which scatter- ed into flight The stars from off the field of night, Has struck the sultan's turret With a golden shaft of light." (Even sultans get the shaft) Swami's Snorts Brown's party was a roaring success except in one aspect - there were no napkin. The store was sold out of them. So Brown mounted a chair an announced, "Ladies and gentleman, there are no napkins, but at frequent intervals, a large wooly dog will pass among you." "But Henry, this isn't our ba- by." "Shut up, it's a better buggy." * * * * You'll have to hand it Venus De Milo when it comes to eat- ing." "Why?" "How else could she eat?" * * * Then there were the two red corpuscles who loved in vein. A man who took great pride in his lawn found to his dismay last fall that a heavy crop of dan- delions had invaded. He did his best to destroy them, but to no avail. So he decided to write to the Federal Department of Agri- culture to ask for some advice. In his letters he described all his woes at great length, told all the things he had done to try to get rid of the pesky dandelions, and ended his letter with, "What do I do now?" In due time came this reply: "We suggest you learn to love them." Joe-Must-Go-Club Lighthouse Lodge Reveille Leader CLAYTON'S CAFE Forrester's Beach Hopi Cottage Court Swami's Snorts "Would you like to join our football team?" "I don't know enough about the game to play but I'll be glad to referee." "What happened when you fell in the concrete? "I was mortarfied." It isn't the ice that makes people slip, it's what they mix with it. I can't recall the sultan's name, but the fez is familiar. She was only the optician's daughter: two glasses and she made a spectacle of herself. She was only a cigar salesman's daughter, but she knew the ropes. A colored preacher recently re- ceived a recommendation from his parishioners demanding his resig- nation. Needless to say, he was rather peeved, and so, at the close of his final sermon, he said: "I won't say Goodbye, because that is too ordinary. I won't say Farewell, because that's a word used when friends take leave of each other. However, when I sashay down the aisle for the last time, I want to call your attention to the sprig of mistletoe which is pinned to my coattails." * "What lovely antique furniture! I wonder where Mrs. Smith got that huge old chest?" "Well, they tell me her mother was the same way." Swami's Snorts The curse of drink is being stuck with the check. * A priest saw one of his parish- oners hanging drunkenly on a lamp post. "For shame, young man. What's gotten into you?" "Three Fathers, Feather." One man in a thousand is a leader of men; the others follow women. When a famous magician com- pleted his act of sawing a lady in half recently, he thanked her by saying, "It's been nice halving you. "I studied abroad for a year, and then I married her." Help raise the devil while you live. You will meet him soon after you die and those who are acquainted with him will get the best shovels. One buxom beauty to another, looking at a rival, "All a sweater does to her is make her itch." "My roommate fell downstairs last night with a fifth of whis- key." "Did he spill any?" "No, he kept his mouth closed." Bett's back from Hollywood Escaping all its perils Her reputation still is good: No runs, no hits, no Errols. Tastee Freez VAN'S MOTEL Cinema Scope CORRAL Drive-in Theatre Julie's Swami's Snorts Bachelor- chap who believes in wine, women and so long. * * * * Dieting- penalty for exceed- ing the feed limit. * ** * She's like a sweater -- she can't keep a secret. * A widow is the most fortunate in the world. She knows all about men, and all the men who know anything about her are dead. She: Do you wanna spoon? He: Spoon? What's spoon- ing? She: Why, look at those other couples over there; that's spoon- ing. He: Well, if that's spooning, let's shovel. A weird looking man came in and sat down at the bar. "What will it be?" the bartender asked. "A Martini." The bartender mixed it up and set the drink in front of him. The man proceeded to drink the Mar- tina, eat the olive, the pit, and chew around the edge of the coctail glass and throw the stem away. He ordered another and continued the same procedure. Finally he looked over at the bartender who had been watching him all of this time. "I bet you think I'm crazy," he leered. "You sure are," answered the bartender, "you're throwing away the best part." Swami's Snorts A Columbia home owner was mowing his lawn dressed in his oldest clothes. A woman in a fine car stopped and asked him: "What do you get for mowing lawns?" "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her," replied the home owner. The lady in the car drove away without a com- ment. And then there was the widow who told the bachelor: "Take it from me-don't get married!" "Shall we sit in the parlor?" "No, I'm too tired, let's go ski- ing." The girl with the big blue eyes said, "I'm troubled with a nasty little wart that I'd like to have re- moved." "You've made a slight error," said the man in the white coat. "I'm a doctor. The divorce lawyer is three doors down the hall." Sign in an apartment (first floor) window: PIANO FOR SALE. Sign in the next door apart- ment (first floor) window: HURRAH! "In this bottle I have peroxide which makes blonds, and in the other bottle I have dye which makes brunettes. "Yeah, and what's in the third bottle?" "Gin." Barefoot Club JACOB'S CAVE Camdenton Chamber of Commerce Andy's Swami's Snorts The transport ship had just been struck by a torpedo. In silence the soldiers stood on the deck, adjusted their life preserv- ers, and waiting for the dreadful moment when they would have to plunge into the sea. Out of the darkness came a voice: "Any- body want to buy a watch? I didn't raise my daughter to be fiddled with," said the cat as she rescued her kitty from the violin factory. When the newlyweds got on their train the groom tipped the porter and whispered, "Don't tell anybody we were just maerrid." The next day the couple were very embarrassed to find everyone staring at them and finally con- fronted the porter. "No suh," came the emphatic reply. "Every time they asked me if you was just married, I'd tell em no indeed, they're just good friends." Mother (putting Junior to bed): Shh-the sandman is coming. Junior: Fifty cents and I won't tell Dad. She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still. Jane: Why doesn't John ever take you to the.movies any more? Jona: One evening it rained and we stayed at home. She was only an insurance man's daughter but I certainly went for her policy. Arrowhead Lodge Moon Valley Villa The Camden County Bank Swami's Snorts "If I kiss you will anyone be the wiser?" "I don't know. That depends on how much you know about kiss- ing. "You're the first model I've ever kissed since I started painting." "How many have you had?" "Four. An apple, two bananas, and you." * Big Shot: "Sure I'll indorse your cigarettes . if you give me $20,000." Adv. Agent: "I'll see you in- hale first." Landlady: "How do you like this room as a whole?" Student: "As a hole it's fine, as a room not so good." This month's winning joke "Mama, how can a young woman keep her youth?" "Don't introduce him to other girls." Then there's the bashful girl who worked all her crossword puzzles vertically so she wouldn't have to come across. * She: "There are lots of couples who don't pet in parked cars." He: "Yeah, the woods are full of them." "I think your husband dresses nattily." "Natalie, too?" * Professor: "If this lecture has gone overtime today, it's because my watch is broken." Student: "Ther's a calendar be- hind ycu." Swami's Snorts Traffic Cop, bawling out a fe- male driver: "Don't you know what I mean when I hold up my hand?" She: "I ought to - I've been a school teacher for twenty-five years." E's I think that I shall never see A grade as lovely as an E, And E I'd clasp unto my breast, And think myself among the blest. And E makes me thank God all day, For just one E, I always pray. An E that may in summer bring, An A. B. when school bells cease to ring. Upon the transcript it would lie, 'Twould hearten me until I die, I's are made by fools like me, God knows I'll never make an E. --Whit Wallach. Once there was an M. U. chap Who held a co-ed on his lap. In his hand he held a beer, But in his eye there was a tear. Why-for should this gay dog cry And heave a long and mournful sigh? Because the co-ed with a leer Grabbed the glass and drank the beer. Onaraps. Roses are red, Violets are blue, Orchids are $5.50. Would dandelions do? El-Donna Motel Life Savers I think I'd like a dish of pickles and ice cream! "He can't brush after every meal" Laughter Thoughts "Thats about the size of it, Frank." 48 Girls can ruin her feet in a place like this!! Swami's Snorts Husband: Let's have some fun this evening. Wife: Alright, but leave the light on in the hallway if you get in before I do. * * * * Prof: "Who was Talleyrand?" Stude: "A fan dancer, and cut the baby talk!" "Too bad, old man!" "What it?" "Your wife ran away with the butler." "S'allright. I was going to fire him anyhow." * * * "Whoever told the guy he was a prof? He just doesn't know how to teach the stuff. Everyone hates him. Everytime he tries to explain something he digresses so much that no one can understand what he's talking about. He ought to go back to the farm." "Yeah, he flunked me, too." * * * Marie: "Do you know what good clean fun is?" Annie: "No, what good is it?" Has you son's college education proved helpful since you've taken him into the firm? Oh yes, every time we have a conference we let him mix the drinks. Prosecuting Attorney: "It's my duty to tell you that everything you say will be held against you." Defendant: "Jane Russel, Jane Russell, Jane Russell, Jane Rus- sell." ERNIE'S The Novus Shop OZARK DEER FARM STARK CAVERNS Swami's Snorts Active : Pledge, go out and water the grass. Pledge: But- It's raining out- side. Active: Well borrow a rain- coat. If Adam came back to earth, the only thing he'd recognize would be the jokes. At 10 a. m. telephone at the re- ception desk of a large hotel rang frantically. "What time does your bar open?" someone asked. "At twelve noon, Sir," answered the clerk. At 11 o'clock it rang again. "Say, Mac, when dosh your bar open up?" asked the same voice. "At twelve noon, Sir." This time the clerk was emphatic. At 11:45 the telephone rang again. "Shay. fren, pleesh tell me * * scuz me * * * pleesh tell me when wosh yer bar open up." "At 12 noon, Sir," the clerk an- swered. "But I'm afraid that in your condition you won't be al- lowed to come in." "Come in? Hell, I wanna get out." "Oh, darling, I love you so. Say you will be mine. Say you will be mine. I'm not rich like John Brown, and I haven't a car or a home like he could offer. But I do love you and want you terribly." "I love you too, dear," she whis- pered, "but tell me, where is this man Brown?" Swami's Snorts "Some moon out tonight," quoth he, "Some stars," sighed she. "Some dew on the grass," said he. "Some stars," sighed she. Sonny, don't you know you shouldn't drag your little sister down the street by the hair? Aw, that's all right, Mister, she's dead. Freshman: How about a date tonight? Stephens Girl: I can't go out with a youngster. Freshman: Oh, excuse me-I didn't know your condition. "Yet, this is a nice little apart- ment, but I don't see any bath." "Oh, pardon me. I thought you were one of those college boys who want a place just for the winter." She: But Henry, that isn't our baby. He: Shut up, it's a better buggy. He: How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy? She: Two. And the name's Daisy. "You should be more careful to pull your shades at night; I saw you kiss your wife last night." "Ha, ha, the joke's on you; I wasn't home last night." ROMANO'S Sudden Service Cleaners Newman's Jewelry Brown Derby Contributors' Page Helen Mortenson Last September Swami con- ducted a "Raccoon" contest, with the first prize being subscription manager of Showme. Helen Mor- tenson out-raccooned the other girls and since then - among her other duties - has handled showme subscriptions in a very precise manner. Helen hurried here (crazy mixed-up alliteration) from Du- mont, New Jersey and likes the midwest so much that it will prob- ably take her seven years to get her B.A. in education. She wants to teach history and hopes to out- bug Bugg in this field someday. The twenty year old sopho- more boards over at the Gamma Phi Beta house and can be lo- cated there Almost any time after closing hours. She doesn't like beer but prefers stronger drinks, "At least as strong as Hadacol." Though a very busy girl she lists amongst her hobbies swimming, horse back riding (she likes any kind of stables), and dancing. John Peterson Earlier in the year John Peter- son came to Swami looking for a job. Since someone had just borrowed a leg from Swami's cluttered desk, John was given the job of corner-holder-upper. Later John was transferred to the feature staff and also to sell- ing advertising. While down at the lake selling ads for this issue, John said he heard, "that the men are leaving the Ozarks - They are tired of mountain wimmin." John came to Missou from South Bend, Indiana, and plans to enter J school to learn sports writing. He has written some stories for Showme on sports ac- tivities at Stephens, but unfor- tunately they ended up in the censor's waste basket." He is an independent freshman and likes to admire paper dolls, but since he broke his scissors, he has had to be satisfied with live ones. "Is he spreading the pollen now, Mama?" Filched Cavalier Cigarettes