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OPEN DOOR ISSUE
You'll be well satisfied with
"one package" service
which includes design, engraving,
letter press, offset printing, and
addressing and mailing.
Leave your work at
KELLY PRESS. Enjoy the
savings and convenience
of their complete "one package"
Kelly Press, Inc.
Just a short note to tell you how
much we enjoy the SHOWME
every month, and that we're look-
ing forward to a year of humor
and satire. You people sure have
the knack of putting your finger
on the ridiculous aspect of a situa-
tion. Keep it up!
Charlie and the boys
at the house.
Thanks a lot, we try to please-
take a look this issue at our new
section, aptly entitled October-
fest . . . Just a starter on a whole
new series of ideas to please you,
and you, and you. . Ed.
Dear Ed., I'm writing letters to
every magazine in the country,
just to tell them what I think of
the dirty double crossers. You
aren't any good and never will be
and BOY! Did Hitler have the
right idea about overrunning the
United States. I hate you and
everybody else too.
When I left school in 1952, I
stopped getting SHOWME every
month as had been my habit all
through my eight years at the
University. I met a young lady at
a dinner the other night, and
when I mentioned attending Mis-
souri, she replied, "Oh, that's
where the SHOWME'S published,
isn't it?" That one remark made
me realize how much good humor
and relaxation I've been missing
for three years, so enclosed you
will find three dollars for a nine
issue subscription. .
Dr. A. R.
I picked up a copy of the SHOW-
ME in a waiting room last week
and I got a little nostalgic. I was
associated with the publicity de-
partment of SHOWME back in 1933,
and if you young people have as
much fun as we did in those de-
pression days you are lucky in-
Mrs. Linda W.
It's still fun, Mrs. W.
"ART LOVER MAC?"
In an effort to encourage Creative Writing and give aspirant
writers an outlet for their work, The Missouri Showme wishes to
announce that it will sponsor, each semester, a creative writing
contest. The contest is open, not only to the students and faculty of
The Missouri University, but to Showme readers everywhere, with
the exception of those persons who are active members of the Missouri
We will publish the best stories and articles submitted each
month in The Missouri Showme, with the notation that it is a contest
entry. At the end of each semester a panel of judges will select the
best of the material we have published and Showme will present to
the three top writers a certificate of acknowledgement and a cash
award as listed above.
We must insist that all material be typed and double spaced.
Each manuscript should bear the authors name and address, and if
sent through the mail it must be accompanied by a self addressed
stamped envelope, or picked up at the Showme office. The author
may submit as many entries as he wishes. But each manuscript must
be marked as a contest entry.
Manuscripts should not be shorter than 800 words or longer than
5000 words. The editors of Showme must reserve the right to edit or
abridge any story we accept for publication.
Address all material to The Missouri Showme, 302 Read Hall,
The University of Missouri, Columbia, Mo.
the novus shop
In the past, the new editor for
the forth coming year utilized
this space in the first issue to
introduce himself and to praise
the "now" editor emeritus. Break-
ing, or at least bending, tradition
somewhat, I shall forego these
niceties and talk to you, rather,
of what we will attempt to do
with regard to our publication.
You will have noticed by now
that there has been some changes
made in the general format and
content of the magazine. I say, by
now, because no one reads the
editor's column until they have
thoroughly digested the rest of the
magazine. I grant you that the
change or eliminate all of the
changes which have been made
are of a minor nature in most
cases. But they are, we feel, a
start toward the complete over-
hauling of our magazine. This is
not to say that we intend to
change oe eliminate all of the
traditional things that have, in
the past, made SHOWME one of
the more outstanding collegiate
publications. We are approach-
ing this overhauling campaign
with this idea in mind: we will
change or junk any idea that we
have considered adequate in the
past when it can be demonstrated
that a substitute idea will im-
prove the readability of our maga-
SHOWME has been primarily, a
humor magazine for many years
and we will continue to carry on
for the most part, a humorous, or
perhaps more appropriate to this
year's magazine witty underly-
ing theme. But we feel that
SHOWME should be more than
just humor. It should be, in
our estimation, a reflection of
all facets of college life and tal-.
ent. We are initiating, this year,
a short-story contest which will
run each semester, in an effort
to bring to our readers more and
more short stories and features.
We will print anything of merit
even if it is literature. (See Page
Three). In fact, we want liter-
ary type of stories, if they are
available. Poetry, if of sufficient
quality will be able to find a
place in our magazine. In spite
of this policy, SHOWME will not
become in the purist's sense of
the word, a literary magazine.
We will continue to print mate-
rial that is entertaining and in-
teresting to all reader groups of
college level. A college campus
isn't the sole domain of the in-
moralists, or devotees of barn-yard
slapstick. Though there may be
some items of interest for these
souls, our magazine will be aimed
at the normal group of above aver-
age intelligent, well-meaning, and
non-crusading readers who have
bought SHOWME in the past and
enjoyed it. If an article, for in-
stance, should happen to deal with
such touchy subjects as sex or
morality, or religion, in a manner
in-offensive to an intelligent lib-
eral being, then, I, as editor, will
exert every means at my com-
mand to get it published.
So here is the magazine. If you
like it let us know. It is you
whom we wish to please, and
your comments will help us to
give you what you want. If you
do not like it, let us know, be-
cause even if we shouldn't agree,
we'll take time to give you a hell
of a good argument.
RUSH WEEK IN PICTURES
Handshaking while balancing a tall lemonade and juggling
the long spike is an art-through the impartial eye of the
SHOWME camera 10, 11
THE SEVEN YEAR ZILCH
It's ahh . . . Well it has one of . A truly stu . . . Bob
Williams wrote it. 12
MERRY GO ROUND
Jack Duncan gets into the whirl of student activities and
portrays the frantic few pogosticking their way around the
Union Ballroom 14, 15
STOMACH FOR REVOLT
A short story by E. C. A. Thompson 16
SWAMI'S PIGSKIN PROCRASTINATIONS
Still in debt from following last years professional pigskin
pollsters, Swami shines up his crystal ball for his own
coast to coast football forecast 22
A whimsical short story by Rodger Goodwin 32
A brand new SHOWME feature on the thing that makes life
worth living, and an editors life a labor of love 36
VOLUME 32 OCTOBER, 1955 NUMBER 1
Daddy's cadillac is a puff of blue smoke
on the distant horizan. The Sigma Perus
are still out of sight over yon hill. The
buildings are without doorman, or doors,
or building in some cases, and the dogs
have only three legs. And one's simply
lost without one's auto. And please don't
weep mother, for today I am a man .
Until there rings those immortal words .
SHOWME is published nine times, October through June, during the college year by the Students of the University
of Missouri. Office: 302 Read Hall, Columbia. Mo. All rights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned
unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelone. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Adver-
tising Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Kelly Press, Inc. Columbia.
Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 3:00 to 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday,
302 Read Hall.
"0 what shall I hang on the chamber walls?
And what shall the pictures be that
I hang on the walls?
To adorn the burial-house of him I love?"
Around The Columns
Here It is
Here it is, Ecat; . . read it,
strangle on it, make funny faces
at it, spread it out on the floor
and roll in it . . . I care not what
others may do, but a bird in the
hand gathers no moss and also I
have seen the enemy and they are
mine and also also Barkis is will-
ing and also also also also here it
is Ecat .
Hay boy here it is the merry
month of October and that's some-
thing you don't want to miss . . .
leaves falling softly to the ground
. .cluttering up the sidewalks
. . covering up empty beer bot-
tles . . . covering up people who
have emptied the beer bottles .
walking through crisp fall air . . .
rolling around in crisp leaves
. . shall we talk about a bowl
game? . . . or shall we talk about
next year? . . . naw, lets talk
about this good ol' crisp month of
October . . . trees dying . . . peo-
ple dying . . Tripod . . . does
Tripod know it's October? . . .
well, somebody better tell him
. . he might miss this good ol'
crisp month . . . crisp fireplugs I
betcha . . . Halloween soon . . .
"trick or treat, mister" . . . "you
want I should cut your ears off
Sonny?" . . October . . . the
Harvest Moon . . . wonder what
people harvest under the Harvest
Moon? . . . wild oats maybe? . .
oh well . .October . . crisp
pretzels . .
We see where an organization
known as the "Commonwealth"
one name even we can't figure
out) have bought up all the movie
house except one of the passion
pits out on the hiway and the
Tiger art theater and therefore
hence you could almost say they
kinda have a monopoly on the
whole works couldn't you?
And you might say they could
do what they wanted, couldn't
But people who run movie
houses are usually pretty nice
people, aren't they?
And so they surely won't raise
the prices any, will they?
Boy, we sure do have a whiz-
bang of a street department here
at Columbia. Yes sir, these boys
can do more hole digging and
street paving and hollering and
general carrying on than any
other outfit their size in the world.
And timely, why they work with
clock-work precision. Take the
way they worked that razing of
Rollins street in front of Johnston
Hall, for instance. Did they scur-
ry around and try to get it done
in just three months and probably
end up with a slip-shod job? No-
sirree you can bet your bottom
dollar they didn't. What they did
was go at it cool and slow and
make it last into maybe four or
five months so they'd give us
students time to get back. You
think they'd be sly and selfish and
get it done during the summer
while there wasn't hardly any-
body around to watch? Well,
some sneak-thieves might try and
work a low-down deal like that,
but not these boys. Nosir. They
were fair and square about it and
kind of took their time at it and
gave everybody a chance to see it.
Now that's what we call Democ-
Let's all drink a beer to 'em . .
Anytime . .
Now . .
We notice where the local Dick
Tracys are gonna get 'em a jim-
dandy radar outfit to catch all the
bad people (you can always tell
the bad people-they ride black
horses) who can't keep their rods
under control and pull crazy tricks
like drag-racing parking meters
and things of similar absurdity.
While they're at it they'll no
doubt catch a few murderers and
bank robbers and maybe some
Well, that's progress for you.
Two way wrist radios next year,
Orchids and Dandylions
Since we have griped for about
the last three or four paragraphs
and have gotten a few things off
our chest, we will now hesitate for
a brief moment and pass out flow-
ers to some of the things we like
Lessee now . . there is . . . and
also . . . oh yes, and .
Cold beer is always good.
Rah, Rah, Go
We firmly believe that that fig-
ment of alumns' imaginations
known as School Spirit is a very
desirable thing to have at a col-
While we don't lose sleep think-
ing about it or stop dead in the
middle of 9th and Broadway to
mutter "Damn. Sure do wish we
had some school spirit", we do
realize its importance and would
value its appearance here at M. U.
But it seems to us its being gone
If there was anything to get
spirited about at the University of
Missouri besides 3.2 beer there
would be more spirit than three
regiments of the National Guard
could handle. A school doesn't
need a pep squad if there isn't any
pep. Free 40 % Bran Flakes would
be just as effective, if not more
Between you and us and Spider
Burke, what this school needs is
something to get excited about,
not an organization through which
to do it. It's like making out. First
you get the girl, then the spirits,
then the excitement. Not the
other way around.
Get A Mule
And lo and behold the great
high people who know what's best
for us and treat us as a mother
would a child have gone and built
'em a new law which says, briefly:
Freshmen can't have cars.
And so Jim and Charley and
Jane will all have to leave their
Caddys in St. Louis and Kansas
City and Blackwater and learn
how to ride the loaves of bread
that pass for busses around here.
And maybe they'll walk to classes.
Or roll. Or crawl. And anyway
we haven't seen any of these wild
parking lots everybody was sup-
posed to be building so it might
be just as well.
But as someone once said, laws
are made to be broken, soooo .
we'd just as soon get run over by
freshmen as sophomores anyway.
They had summer school here
We're not going again.
The annual free-style hand-
shakers exhibition known as rush
week was struggled through a few
weeks ago by several thousand
sweaty Brooks Brothers models.
To us who had endured thriving
Columbia all summer, the sudden
emergence of miny miny cute dol-
lies in high-heel shoes brought
out several nervous twitches and
old war wounds. To say the least.
Things like this should be taken
in short doses. Or maybe the
plunging method is OK. After all,
just looking won't hurt, will it
Ma? We won't touch, honest.
Surrre He Is
Bud Wilkinson, lion-tamer at
the University of Oklahoma, states
in a recent issue of Sports Illus-
"Frankly, I'm not interested in
records. The thing I'm proudest
of is the type of boy represented at
Oklahoma in football."
Sure, Bud, just common 'ol
barefoot boys that brush their
teeth daily and always tell the
The K. C. Star reports that in
the Chelsea section of London,
the Public Health department
came up with a statistical dilly.
Births there were 787 in 1952,
ditto in 1953 and ditto in 1954.
Gracious-all that organization.
Sounds kind of iron-curtainish to
Johnny, take off that captain video helmet and go tell
mother that something is burning in the kitchen.
Overheard People who live in glass houses
Blessed are the pure, for they might as well answer the door-
shall inhibit the earth bell.
* * * * * *
This is a bottle. it serves
AbSoLuTELy no purpose Or This
page it is just a bottle
tHANK you. joel
Some people have no respect for
age unless it's bottled.
* * *
"Who you shovin'?"
"I dunno, what's your name?"
"My aunt had her first child last
week, and was she disappointed."
"Why? Which did she want, a
boy or girl?"
"Neither. She wanted a divorce."
* * *
A cynic is a person who, when
he smells flowers, looks around
for a coffin.
Dr. Phillip P. Gray of the Mas-
ter Brewers' Association of Amer-
ica says beer gushes over when
opened because: "Colloidal par-
ticles acting as nuclei are responsi-
ble for the liberation of carbon
dioxide gas from the unstable,
supersaturated solution of carbon
dioxide existing when the contain-
er is opened."
And we always tried to keep
from agitating the damn stuff.
-Richard Bollinger Noel
A rushee's first view of a sorority. Even Nero's
lions looked sleepy until the christians were ran in.
Page 40, Alcoholic Beverages, paragraph 1: "An organiza-
tion shall not serve, or permit the drinking of, an alcoholic
beverage at any time, or by anyone, on the premises under its
control." This tiger read the "M Book." There is lemonade
in the coke cooler for the thirsty pledges . Suuure there is!
Alpha Phi's new home. . . Oh let the sun
Wednesday and Sunday evening . . . come,
Rush week activities are supervised by an impartial group of people who
are carefully selected from the cream of Greek affiliated students. They are
known as Pan-Hellanic Council. Here are three of the most photogenic . Ugh!
1. This is a paid advertisement.
2. Three little pi . . suzies wait
to be rushed by the big bad
3. Rushing was not, in all cases,
conducted within the confines
of urban Greekville.
4. Sororities also serve lemonade
at rush parties. This little girl
is attending her sixteenth in
two days. She is rushing . to
the curb to be sick. She hates
shine in . . .Tent meeting and box supper every
The Seven Year Zilch
by Bob Williams
(The curtain raises on a young man of about twenty-seven years.
He is lying full length on an ancient drop-center typewriter desk
from which the center has long since disappeared. Naturally, in the
position he is in, he is a bit uncomfortable and restless. The desk
is in the center of a single room containing a candle, right center;
a pallet, left rear; and a megaphone standing by the single window,
right, directly across from a ragged drape hanging across the door-
way, left. The young man, John, is immaculately attired. He buys his
clothes from Lurie's Second-Hand Credit Clothiers. He makes 500
dollars a year. He is a pencil salesman for a large firm. At the time
of the play, his wife is visiting her family down on the Battery. He is
lonesome. He speaks.)
JOHN: I buy my clothes from Lurie's Second-Hand Credit Clothiers.
I make 500 bucks a year. I am a pencil salesman for a large firm.
My wife is visiting her family down on the Battery. I am lonesome.
(Hears police whistle, off, runs to windows, sticks head out, looks
around. A shot zips past his face, and he ducks, comes back to
desk, wipes his forehead, sits down.)
Whew! That was close. It's time I had an affair. I've been married
now for seven days. I'm beginning to get stale.
(At this moment, a slovenly wench dives head-first into the window,
gun in hand. She sinks onto the pallet.)
JOHN: Who are you-let's have an affair.
JEAN: (Wipes off forehead, says with lisp:)
I'm Jean. I live upstairs. I shot at you. Aren't you mad?
JOHN: Of course not. Have a drink. (Reaches into desk drawer, takes
out can of Sterno. Takes out pliers, squeezes juice into glass, hands
it to her.)
JOHN: How about some music? What would you like to hear, Hank
Snow, Tennessee Ernie, -I know, how's this . . . (Sings) No, no, I
cain't forget the hours, no, no, you're sweeter .
JEAN; (Interrupting with a grimace) Don't you even have a radio?
JOHN: Hell no.
JEAN: Well, lets have that affair you were talking about. First, I'll
cook us some eggs. You got a kitchen?
JOHN: (Gesturing) Sure, right through that door.
(Jean goes out, John walks to window, picks up megaphone, points
it out window, turns slightly to front, explains to aud.):
Got to call the old lady, got to see what she's up to.
(Back to the megaphone, hollers into it . . .)
Hey, honey, you there?
(Several seconds pass)
VOICE: (From without) Hell yes, what 'chu want? Charlie's here,
and we're going out for Pizza in a minute. Come on now, hurry up.
JOHN: (into megaphone) Noth-
ing doll, I just wanted to tell
you I'm not having an affair.
VOICE: OK, now g'wan to bed.
Me n Charlie are goin' out. Bye.
JOHN. (Puts down megaphone,
strides to center,)
Gee Whiz! I never did like that
Charlie, he don't mean no good
and he's nothing but a home-
wrecker and anyway he always
had eyes for the old lady. (He
is still looking perplexed when
Jean walks in with a tin plate
of eggs. She places the plate
on the desk and walks over to
JEAN: Well, honey, hereth you
eggs. Eat 'em and we'll have
(Lights dim on John wolfing
eggs with his fingers and Jean
looking on hungrily-there was
only one egg, the cheap Jerk.)
(Morning-same set. John is
cramped, in the center of the desk.
Jean is curled up on the pallet,
asleep. A horse is lying curled up
by the door, dead. Three or four
vultures are on the edge of the
desk, about to fall asleep. Eddie
Arcaro is in the corner left rear,
asleep-no wait, he's dead too-
must have been a terrible 9th at
Washington Park. The Franken-
stein Monster is sitting under the
window, sorting bolts and nuts.
Jackie Gleason is conducting a
full-dress rehearsal for his open-
ing at the Grand in St. Louis.
Hemingway is lying next to the
pallet, dead, having been gored
by a cow he was trying to milk
on Olvera street. Two maggots
are making love in dead Ernest.
Harry Truman is washing plates
after last Tuesday's Jackson Day
Dinner in honor of Herbert Hoov-
er-or is it a Hoover day dinner
in Honor of Andrew Jackson. Stan
Kenton is in corner right rear
teaching a midget how to play
baritone sax. The focal point,
however, is a Cadillac in the
center of the stage with an East
St. Louis Journal reporter's feet
sticking out from under the trunk
lid. John awakens, stretches,
JOHN: (looking around) Good-
ness me! That must've really
been an affair. Jean, Jean wake
up! (Runs over to Jeans pros-
strate form, shakes her. She
rises, melts into a willowy wisp,
floats out the window, mutter-
JEAN: Wow! I'm dead! (Floats
JOHN: (Grabbing microphone,
hollering out window as lights
fade:) Hey, honey, come on
home, bring Charlie, we got a
little party going over here!
(Dead horse rises, melts into
two parts, the head turns out to
be John's wife, and Charlie, as
you'd expect, turns out to be
the other end.
John -.---------.--. . Courtesy of -.Marsha
Jean. .------.----- ---.-----. ourtesy of ---. D'Arc
John's wife.--. Courtesy of --. Marsha
Desk---.---------------._. . Courtesy of .- Read Hall
Megaphone---.-. ------. Courtesy of .-.Athletic Dep't.
Sterno .-------. --------. .- Courtesy of .-. The Shack
Eggs-- --.-.-------. -. Courtesy of .-. Henny Penny
Horse ---.--.----. .Courtesy of -.- Bing Crosby
Eddie Arcaro .---.--.----Courtesy of .- Horse
Vultures -.-----.---- ._ Courtesy of --. Dean of Students
Frankenstein -.--- . ---- Courtesy of .Castle-On-The-Hill Enterprises
Jackie Gleason ---.----. . -Courtesy of .-.- Castle-On-The-Hill Enterprises
Ernest Hemingway -.Courtesy of .---. Ava Gardner
Maggots--------.--.--------- .Courtesy of---. University Hospital
Harry Truman---.--.---- Courtesy of .-.Truman Memorial Library
Stan Kenton. ---.-.-- .Courtesy of --. Norman Granz (Personal Supervision)
Midget----.-.-.--.Courtesy of --.Ham Fisher
Baritone Sax.----.-----. Courtesy of .-University String Ensemble
Cadillac.--.-.-.---. .-- . Courtesy of .Gus and Tony Fischetti
Journal Reporter.--.---. Courtesy of -. St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Lighting------. .-----. .Courtesy of .-. Tavern Candles, Inc.
Fade-out on lights---.-.Courtesy of .-- Columbia Power Station
May we be the first theatrical company entering into the fall
production season to wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy
and prosperous New Year.
She loves, she loves me not.
Whadaya mean we ain't supposed to be here?
This za free country ain't it?
Unless those jerks stop blinding me with flash bulbs,
I'm gonna quit!
Whut's ethics? I've been chasing ambulances five years now,
an I ain't never heard of ethics.
Well. you're pretty good with a javlin, what can you do
with the discus?
All board members gotta buy their own uniforms, dearie;
we furnish the handcuffs and rubber hoses.
p Ralph! I'm tellin' off this bird that claims he's a Martian.
Now Tessee . . I've joined the Student Union Board, Debate
Society, Chess Club, Tiger Squadron,
Hellcats, Verbindung Bund, and 15
French Club . Whut now?
You'll hafta prove your qualifications before you join;
I got a bucket an a stool you can use.
Stomach For Revolt
by E. C. A. Thompson
They had been jostling from
one side of the ships narrow quar-
terdeck to the other for what was
becoming an embarrassing long
time. After about the sixth time
they tried to pass and the tall
navigation officer found the bob-
bing figure of the young woman
still directly in front of him, he
said to the suntanned and quite
distressed little face that flitted
before him, "I'm very sorry, my
dear, but one more time and I
really must go."
"Well really!" They stopped
facing each other. The girl was
breathing rapidly. She plunked
her hands on her hips, and tilted
her face up toward the grinning
officer. "Well really! You are very
funny, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at
"What then, do you find so
damned amusing?" She pushed at
the saucy little sailor straw that
tilted over her pert nose, and
started once more to pass the of-
"Wait! Please, I-"
"Now see here!"
"No, please. I wasn't laughing
at you, Miss. You see, it's just
that I've made a study of lurching,
and you are absolutely the most
outstanding natural player I've
ever come across."
"I beg your pardon! Let me
The officer continued to block
the passage. "Lurching. The em-
barrassing little episode we just
completed, is known to the experts
as lurching. It's really quite a
different sport if the rules are fol-
"You must be drunk or mad.
I've placed myself in the hands of
incompetents. I shall fly next trip.
Now please get out of my way."
"But you must let me explain."
"Since there seems little hope
for me to escape your insanity
without aid, I suppose I have little
"Perhaps I could buy you a
"Tell me more of your absurd
game, first. I'll probably want to
call the Captain and have you
"Me? Harmless. I wouldn't
hurt a fly. Write my mother
regularly and drink milk at din-
"You don't like mothers?"
"Oh, I wasn't sure I wanted to
tell you about lurching, if you
didn't like mothers."
"Well, get on with it." He took
her arm and turned her toward
the sea. He leaned easily on the
rail. He pursed his lips and
studied her thoroughly.
"Yes indeed . . . lurching. Well
first off to be a successful lurcher,
you must never lose the ability to
be surprised. I mean, if one em-
barks upon lurching in a manner
premeditated, then it's not only
entirely unethical, and not very
much fun, but we, who study
and appreciate the genteel art,
frown upon such a person as being
a cad of the grossist type."
"You really are mad. I think
"Ah! There, you've already lost
the second requirement for be-
coming a Black-Belt Lurcher. We
have degrees for competence, you
see. White-Belts are neophytes,
Red-Belts, proficient intermedi-
ates, and, as you may well sup-
pose, to experts such as I, Black-
Belts. Anyway, the ability to
laugh is the second requirement,
and you evidently can't qualify."
"Phooey! I can laugh with the
best of them. Wild, I laugh aw-
fully wild-Here, I'll demon-
"No!" he stayed her with his
upraised palm, as if she had of-
fered him a dead bird. "I mean
really laugh. From deep within.
You must be delighted at the way
things are. Why, I'll bet you
haven't laughed at . . . oh, your
shoes, for instance."
"Laughed at my shoes? Just
what is wrong with my shoes?"
"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm
sure that they would be consid-
ered, by those who consider such
things, very nice shoes. But-
here!" His movement was so fast
and unexpected that she didn't
realize what was happening until
he had bent forward, lifted one of
her feet from the ships deck, and
whisked the brown and white
spectator pump from her left foot.
My Lord! Here, you! Give
"Jackson. Lt. Jackson Smith."
"I don't care about your absurd
name. You give me my shoe.
Where are you going?"
"You are the most distrusting
person, aren't you? I'm just going
to sit your shoe up here on the
life preserver locker, so we might
study it more objectively." He
returned to the girl at the rail.
She stood resting her recently de-
nuded foot on the instep of the
one still shod.
"I could very well have your job
You'd hate it. Captain's an aw-
"Now look at that." He pointed
to the shoe disparagingly. "You
probably paid, oh, thirty dollars
for those shoes."
"That's what I mean. Fifty dol-
lars, and look at it. Absolutely
worthless, one alone like that.
Just consider. What can you do
with one shoe? What would you
do if you lost one of them? It's
much too light to be a tack ham-
mer of any merit. Too porous for
a container of liquids, or the
planting of flowers." The girl
tapped her forefinger on her
pursed lips and cocked her head to
one side as if she were studying
a painting. There was a small
dark scuff mark in the heel that
hadn't been there before she came
onto the quarter-deck.
"Perhaps a weapon?"
"No, no. Much too cumbersome
to carry in a pocket. But you're
missing the point, entirely. Ob-
serve, how without that manu-
factured bit of molded leather, the
continued use of its mate renders
you a cripple. Sure, your one leg
is a good." he leaned down and
squinted at the delicate, very tan,
little foot curled over the instep of
the one that still wore a shoe. The
tiny bit of arch, untouched by the
sun was white, and looked soft.
He straightened up and holding
his hands just so, returned to her
side at the rail. "That much," he
said, studying the distance be-
tween his two upraised palms.
"Now isn't it idotic that an ed-
ucated and really rational person
would pay fifty-dollars for a con-
trivence that, should they be de-
prived of one part of it, makes
them a grotesque cripple?"
"It's sad," she said, still staring
at the little size four and a half
double A. "It really is. I feel like
I might cry."
"Me too. I never looked at it
anyway before, but with disgust."
"May I have my shoe now?"
He retrieved the shoe from the
top of the locker. She took it,
but instead of putting it on, she
removed the other one. She held
them at arms length.
"Beastly little things."
"Yes indeed. It's asinine what
slaves people allow themselves to
become. Slaves to every damn fad
and fashion that comes along, no
matter what good sense dictates,
"Why, you're serious about
"Certainly I'm serious. Hell!
it's a lot of foolishness, all this
buttoning, and lacing, and squeez-
ing, and phoney reshaping of the
human body. If only people had
the courage to stand on their own
two feet and tell all the fashion
setting parasites that feed off of
them to go to hell. Everyone
should revolt and thow off the un-
reasonable dictates of crippling
conventions. Be free, as men were
created to be."
"I think you're absolutely right,
Lieutenant." She dropped the
shoes over the side of the ship.
"Hey!" He leaped to the rail
and leaned far out over the water.
The tiny brown and white shoes
bobbed along the side of the ship.
The Lieutenant watched them un-
til they were lost in the churning
"Look, I didn't mean you sh-"
"No! I agree with you, you're
right. Women's clothes are ab-
surd, and it's our own fault."
"But you aren't going to serious-
ly follow up, and-"
"Oh, posh, don't look so upset
Lieutenant. Someone has to get
this thing started, or we'll never
have our emancipation. I think
I'm ready for that drink now."
"Drink? . . . Oh sure . . . a
drink." He tried to smile and
looked once again over the rail at
the churning water. The girl
laughed, and took his arm. With-
out her shoes she was just a little
over half as tall as the reedy Lieu-
tenant. They went up the stairs
at the end of the short Quarter-
deck and walked down the open
main deck toward the pink door
of the ship's bar.
A bell rang somewhere, Lt.
Smith dropped the girls arm and
quickly squinted at the big chron-
ometer on his wrist. "Damn! . .
Look this is awful."
"What is it?"
"I'm very sorry, it's four-fifteen
and I have to call and check in to
"I'm sorry, but I really must.
The Captain's such a bear. Will
you forgive me?"
"Of course, I understand Lieu-
tenant. I don't mind waiting."
"Oh, it may take me a little
while, official report and all. Look,
why don't you go on in and get
us a table. I'll be along as soon
as I'm through."
(Continued on page 18)
DORN CLONEY CLEANERS
Missouri Theatre Bldg.
Stomach For Revolt
(Continued from page 17)
"All right." She smiled at the
tall embarrassed, young man. He
started away. The captain must
be as mean as Captain Blye, the
way the Lieutenant hurried.
"Hey, what do you drink Lieu-
tenant? I'll order for you."
He didn't stop, but slowed down,
sliding along crab-wise. "Me?-
Oh! and . scotch and water." He
nearly tripped over a piece of deck
equipment. "I'm really sorry a-
bout this. Be back in a minute,
"Sure, Lieutenant. I understand
The thick rug tickled the bottom
of her bare feet. She choked back
a laugh. It was amazing how few
of the other slaves even noticed.
Fewer still thought the sight of a
barefoot girl, otherwise smartly
dressed, worthy of a comment to
their companions. The Lieutenant
wouldn't have felt gratified, she
was sure. She seated herself at a
stool in the very center of the bar.
"Your order, mum?" The bar
steward placed a monogramed
linen coster in front of her on the
"I think . . . I'd just like a lem-
onade, please. One."
Swami ' s
Kappa: It says here that the Air
Force invests $14,582 to produce
Second Kappa: Well, the one I
was out with last night was a
A lady traveling through Cali-
fornia for the first time saw a fig
tree. She said to the guide:
"My good man, what kind of a
tree is that?"
"Lady, that is a fig tree."
"Oh, no, it can't be a fig tree."
"Yes, ma'am, that's a fig tree."
"Oh, I thought the leaves were
longer than that."
"No, sonny, the big white ones aren't good to eat."
Swami ' s
First co-ed: Did you hear about
the awful fright Joe got on his
Second co-ed: Oh, yes; I was there
and saw her.
It was on a sleighride. The cud-
dly sweet thing heaved a deep
sigh for the benefit of the eligible
young man at her side.
"What's the matter, Miss Smith?
"Nobody loves me; and my hands
"Oh, that's all right," he com-
forted. "God loves you-and
you can sit on your hands."
* * *
Said a new SAE pledge: I hate
women, and I'm glad I hate 'em,
'cause if I didn't hate 'em, I'd
like 'em, and I hate 'em.
She: (playfully) Let me chew
He: (more playfully) Which one,
upper or lower?
The difference between a tie
and a noose is that one is worn
without a collar.
GDI: Yes, this is a nice little
apartment, but I don't see any
Landlady: Oh, pardon me! I
thought you were just another
one of those university boys
who want a place for the win-
* * *
She: I'm not myself tonight.
He: Then we ought to have a good
Irate customer at ticket office:
Get away young man, and let
me buy a ticket. Do you.think
you own this railway system?
New College Grad: Not yet mist-
er, not yet.
Active: Who laid the table for
breakfast this morning?
Pledge: I did, all but the eggs,
When it was announced that
Lady Godiva was going to ride
down Broadway to advertise a
movie, the streets were jammed;
it had been so long since anyone
had seen a person ride a horse.
Youth must be served-and
then carried out.
* * *
The modern girl's clothes are
like a barbed wire fence. They
protect the property without ob-
structing any of the view.
Question: I have found out that I
have halitosis. What is the best
thing for it?
* * *
Question: What is good for a cold,
Answer: You damn fool, you don't
deserve to have a cold.
" .Ugh! White Man! Grea
AT Silver bird Come Down From Sky!"
5. MIAMI (Fla.)
6. OHIO STATE
9. GA. TECH.
(September 4, 1955) Every year at this time Collier's, Street and
Smith's, Hammer and Tongs, Look, Peek, Squint, and hundreds of
other All-American publications, with their fingers ever jammed
against the public pluse, hire some expert to unfurl their charts, and
cover reams of foolscap (A term very appropriate to these expert's
activities.) with diagrams, weights, measures, and signs of the zodiac,
in an endeavor to determine the football fortunes of the more than 240
college teams which comprise the major football powers of the Federal
Union and the Confederation of Southern States.
After consulting their myriad accumulation of equations, form
charts, and movies of last season's games, the experts evidently dump
everything into one of Leon Hart's old football shoes, and by the light
of the moon allow their wives, sweethearts, or the buxom girl who
came from Collier's along with the job, to select the outcome of the
year's football campaigns from Mr. Hart's formidable footgear. Being
on an expense account they of course eschew the use of anything as
mundane as a blindfold, perfering rather to get the little girl stoned on
Swami, feeling that the experts efforts in the past have left a lot to
be desired, undertakes (Sans expense account, sans charts, and sans
twelve-dollar Scotch.) to out-guess the pros. So with a trusty six-pack
under one arm and an untrusty, but as buxom as they come, Hellcat
under the other he gazes into his crystal ball and sees them this way.
Street and Smith's ratings appear in parenthesis.
Everyone, simply everyone, sees Michigan as the big dog in this
one. Swami grants that he should too. But here's the way the crystal
ball calls them.
1. Wisconsin (3)
2. Ohio State (2)
3. Michigan (1)
4. Purdue (5)
5. Iowa (4)
6. Indiana (9)
7. Minnesota (6)
8. Michigan State (7)
9. Northwestern (10)
10. Illinois (8)
Independent-Notre Dame to loose two and possibly three
games, to Miami, S.M.U. or maybe Purdue, or Iowa.
The big news from the Eastern aristocrats is that they will play at
the game of football again this year. But Swami likes the Big Red
after glimpsing the buxom Hellcat's reflection in the crystal globe.
1. Cornell (2) 5. Harvard (4)
2. Yale (1) 6. Brown (5)
3. Princeton (3) 7. Columbia (7)
4. Dartmouth (6)
Independents-Army over Navy, but don't bet on it. Boston
U. could go all the way. Boston College, good.
Sunny Jim's Terps to go all the way here and roll in the orange
blossoms. Duke's good but plays a murderous schedule and could be
forced out of second place by dark-horse Clemson. Tearing off the
top of the beer can with his teeth, Swami says.
1. Maryland (1) Got some of the best money can buy. Choice!
2. Duke (2) Might not get started.
3. Clemson (3) If Duke don't, they will.
4. Virginia (4)
5. South Carolina (7) I get an argument here.
6. North Carolina (5)
7. N. C. State (6)
8. Wake Forest (8)
According to the drum-beaters from the cow country there is no
way to scramble the standings in this conference without having seven
of the top-ten teams in the country, and they could be right. Swami
found that putting Texas A & M last was just as hard as naming S.M.U.
1. S.M.U. (4) Lots of fast mustangs
2. Rice (1) Big, but no Moegle.
3. T.C.U. (5)
4. Texas (2) They'll lose their opener to Texas Tech.
5. Baylor (3)
6. Arkansas (6) Mitchell did better with sophomores at
7. Texas A & M (7) Bought a lot of talent and should do
better than seventh. Swami hopes they take the whole
Swami lost his cummerbund on the Rebels of Ole Miss. when Navy
sank them in the Sugar-Bowl last year, and can't see them again for
the experts covering them with good wishes. Quit fogging up the
crystal, Hellcat, or we'll send you back to the S.G.A.
1. Ga. Tech (3) To hell with Mississippi. 7. Alabama (8)
2. Auburn (2) 8. L.S.U. (10)
3. Mississippi (1) 9. Tennessee (9)
4. Kentucky (4) 10. Miss. State (7)
5. Georgia (6) 11. Vanderbilt (11)
6. Florida (5) 12. Tulane (12)
Independent-Miami (Fla.): Better than anyone in the whole
"cotton-pickin' " conference and have a tough enough schedule
to prove it.
(Continued on page 24)
paint & glass co.
(Continued from page 23)
So who've they got beside U.C.L.A. out in the land of fruits and
nuts? Nobody, that's who. Swami scrambles them up after first place
just to be unconvenitional.
1. U.C.L.A. (1)
2. Stanford (3) Good as anybody else, after the Uclans.
3. So. Calif. (2) Could beat Stanford 50 to 0.
4. California (4) Might not finish this high.
5. Oregon State (7)
6. Washington (5)
7. Wash. State (6)
8. Oregon (8)
9. Idaho (9) Should ought to abandon the game.
BIG SEVEN AND MISSOURI VALLEY
Except for second place, Swami agrees with Misters Street Smith
right down the line on the Big Seven race where the rest of the Con-
ference's Stadii are jokingly (?) referred to as Oklahoma practice
fields. But the Missouri Valley is another thing altogether.
1. Oklahoma (1) So what?
2. Missouri (3) Watch Hunter, Martin, and Cutright.
3. Colorado (2) Could wind up in second.
4. Kansas State (4) Won't get started.
5. Nebraska (5) Shouldn't slip this far.
6. Iowa State (6) Better than last year, after a little beef
7. Kansas (7) Won't go without a victory this year.
1. Wichita (3) For old times sake. They did it with
"greenies" last year.
2. Okla. A & M (2) Could be the best of the Valley. Tough.
3. Houston (1) Definately a sleeper.
4. Detroit (4) Developing.
5. Tulsa (5) Hurricane still a breeze, but is picking up in
(Continued on page 28)
TALLEN BEVERAGE COMPANY
The Missouri Store Co.
Mother was right-Virtue doesn't go without its reward.
Swami ' s
A philosopher is one who can look
into an empty glass and smile.
* * *
KA: Wow, were you ever treating
your date swell last night! Who
was she-your fiancee?
ATO: No. The roll-taker in Econ
Little boy: "Daddy, what is a
Daddy: "A man who didn't have a
car in college."
The freshman girl showed up at
the clinic with a note from her
housemother: "D e a r Doctor:
please will you do something to
Jane's face. She's had it a long
time and it's spreading."
A freshman is a person who
thinks that college is run for
You've read the passage wrong,
young lady-it's "All men are
created equal," not "All men are
made the same way."
Delta Chi: What in the world
makes your tongue so black?
Phi Psi: I dropped my bottle of
whiskey on a freshly tarred
Suzie: Can you tatoo a cat on my
Tattooer: We're having a sale on
giraffes this week.
Coed: I finally went to Dr. Gim-
bel about the craving I get for
kissing every time I have a
couple of drinks.
2nd coed: What did he give you?
Coed: A couple of drinks.
The Irishman was relating his ad-
ventures in the jungle. "Am-
munition, food, and whiskey had
run out," he said, "and we were
all parched with thirst."
"But wasn't there any water?"
"Sure, but this was no time to be
thinking of cleanliness."
Hurry up! My gal just got a new dress at Julies.
TIGER laundry &
dry cleaning co.
(Continued from page 24)
THE TOP TEN TEAMS
When you read Swami's Bowl picks, you're going to think the
canned ambrosia has gotten absolutely the best of the old fellow, or
that the assisting fugitive from the card section has fratcured the boy's
crystal ball in an outburst of spirit and enthusiasm. (Which the
Hellcats heretofore haven't been particularly noted for.) Because
Swami has the no. 4 team whipping the no. 3 team and the no. 2 team
taking the no. 1 team. But as publicity men and other tub-thumpers
don't suit up for Bowl games, Swami likes it this way.
5. Miami (Fla.)
6. Ohio State
9. Ga. Tech.
(Not necessarily in
the second ten.)
And in the real big ones .
ROSE BOWL-Winconsin over U.C.L.A. Ameche is gone and Wiscon-
sin now uses 11 men.
SUGAR BOWL-Army over Ga. Tech. Won't let Navy get ahead of
COTTON BOWL-Miami (Fla) over S.M.U. in a race of speed mer-
ORANGE BOWL-Maryland over Oklahoma. No Terrapin soup for
the Sooners. But close
All right, so you don't agree. Neither do the people who make
their living at this foolishness. If Swami saw it the way the experts
do there would have been little use for his going to such lengths to
show you the true light. And since this publication is oft-times laugh-
ingly referred to as a "Humor Magazine", then save it and split your
sides roaring over the old boy's barfs at the end of the season.
Student Union Building
A college students is one who
enters his alma mater as a fresh-
man dressed in green, and em-
erges as a senior dressed in black.
The intermediate process of decay
is known as a college education.
The human brain is wonderful.
It starts right in working the mo-
ment you wake up in the morning,
and doesn't stop until you are
called on in class.
A dumb girl is a dope, a dope is
a drug, doctors give drugs to re-
live pain; therefore a dumb girl
is just what the doctor ordered.
He: I'm groping for words.
She: I think you're looking in the
Forty years they had been mar-
ried, and for 40 years she had
made the living; then he died.
The thrifty widow instructed that
his body be cremated and the
ashes delivered to her. Carefully
placing them in an hourglass she
set it on the mantel, sat down to
rock and said, "Now you worthless
bum, at last you're going to work."
Question: Our housemother
looked funny this morning, so
we took her temperature. It
was sixty. What do you think
is wrong with her?
Answer: Nothing. She's dead.
Suzie: Lou used to say there was
something about me you loved.
Phi Delt: Yes, but that's all spent
Housemother: Why, when I was
a girl, we never thought of doing
any of the things you girls do
Freshman: Which was why you
didn't do 'em!
Many an M. U. co-ed used to
have her gowns dry cleaned. Now
she has them distilled.
Swami ' s
"Do you know what the burglar
who broke into the SAE house
last night got?"
"Yeah . pledged."
Pledge: Whose that girl with the
Active: That's my sister.
Pledge: Beautiful figure.
Sergeant: "All right now, Rookie,
what is maneuver?"
ROTC rookie: Something you put
on grass, sir, to make it green.
1st student: I hear he drinks
2nd student: Yeah, I tasted it.
A minister was stopped by a
woman who said her conscience
was bothering her. It seems she
had looked at herself in the mirror
and felt pleased with what she
saw. She was afraid she was be-
"Calm yourself," he replied.
"It's not a sin to make a mistake."
* * *
The flustered freshman rushed in-
to the clinic and said:
"Did I leave my panties here?"
"Yes," said the doc. "Here they
"Thank goodness," she exclaimed.
"I was afraid for a moment I'd
left them down at the dentist's!"
A salesman called a prospective
customer and the phone was an-
swered by what was obviously
a small boy.
"Is your mother of father home?"
the salesman asked.
The child said no and the sales-
man asked if there was anyone
else he could speak to.
"My sister," the youngster replied.
"Let me speak to her," the sales-
There was a long period of sil-
ence and the little boy returned
to the phone.
"I'm sorry, but I can't lift her out
of the play pen."
The STEIN CLUB
SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS
by Roger Goodwin
Wanda's birthday was coming up, and I just had to get something
for her. She told me as much.
"Sam," she said to me one night as I was discovering new and
remarkable things about her. "Sam, let me go a minute. Sam!"
I was piqued. "So what's so important it can't wait?" I snarled
. . softly. I pouted.
"Sam, don't pout. It makes your face look like the bottom of a
used mop." Let me tell you, when the woman you love uses psycho-
logy like that, you can't stay mad for long. I pricked my ears to listen
"Sam, don't prick your ears."
I loved that woman.
"Put your hands in your pockets and listen to me, you stupid
lout," she cooed. "My birthday is next week, so I think you ought
to buy me a present. Don't you?"
"Well, frankly Wanda-" I had time to get that much out before
she affectionately twisted my arm behind my back. There is nothing
like love, I always say.
So I thought it would be appropriate to buy her a present. Clutch-
ing a five-dollar bill-lunch money for the following week-in my
sweaty little palm, I prowled the streets of Columbia one day.
There were, of course, many possibilities. I could buy her a sub-
scription to "Health and Strength," or I could put a down payment
on a light meter to go with the camera she had told me I was going
to buy her for Christmas. But, being a man of imagination, I deter-
mined to get her something really original-something that a lovely
girl, with only a slight cast in one eye, would never suspect.
I made for The Fit.
The Pit (actually, "Pitman's Perfume Parlor") was a symphony
in mirrors, soft carpets, and music wafting from unseen speakers. It
was so exclusive there was a cover charge just to enter.
I spent a moment adjusting my eyes to the dimly lit, incense laden
atmsophere. Actually, I didn't adjust my eyes to the incense-I just
mention that to show you how sexy the place was.
I was immediately approached by the most exotic woman I have
ever seen. She was dressed completely in black. Long jet hair cas-
caded over creamy shoulders; black pearl earrings were matched
by a necklace which clasped her throat. She was dressed in an im-
possibly tight black satin sheath
dress, which danced whenever she
took a breath. The top of the
dress was . . oh, it was unbeliev-
able. In addition to this, the
woman was superbly assembled:
she made Marilyn Monroe look
like a Girl Scout.
"May I show you something?"
she breathed, bending over for
something. Her voice made me all
sweaty. I sort of nodded, and she
took my arm and guided me to a
sofa in a secluded corner.
"Just what did you have in
mind?" she inquired softly, cares-
sing my left ear.
I finally found my voice. "I
was sort of thinking of a birthday
present for my girl. I mean per-
fume. I understand you carry per-
fume here . . . too."
"I think we can fix you up,"
she murmured, rising from the
sofa and leading me to a counter
made of black glass and set with
tiny rubies. "Just what kind of
girl is she?"
I blushed. "She's . . . she's
wonderful," I stammered.
"I mean, what's her personality?
Is she tender, soft, moody?"
I thought of the gentle way she
twisted my arm. "Yes," I said.
"Is she intelligent, understand-
I thought of the shrewd way she
picked the movies we went to.
"Yes," I said.
"Is she beautiful, well-groomed,
a woman of impeccable taste?"
I thought of the clean jeans she
"Yes! Yes!" I cried, giving a
little leap into the air. "She is
all of these-tender, understand-
ing, beautiful. She is the woman
I love!" I sank to the floor, ex-
hausted. The woman clapped po-
"I think," she said finally, "we
have just the perfume. But you
must know that it is the most
potent blend ever made, and might
be a powerful tool in the hands
of unscrupulous men. You must
promise to guard it well."
"You can trust me," I said simp-
ly. We shook hands, not trusting
ourselves to speak.
Then she disappeared between
two curtains behind the counter,
returning with a wierdly shaped
flagon, completely unadorned.
"This," she intoned ominously,
"is our blend."
"What is its name?" I asked
"Flesh," she murmured rever-
ently. She was breathing hard.
So was I.
"Okay," I said, "I'll take it.
Please wrap it up."
She reacted as though I had
slapped her across the face. She
blanched. Not much-just a little
blanch-but I could notice it. She
blanched, all right.
"What do you mean, wrap it
up?" she hissed. Her dress was
dancing all over the room by this
time. "Don't you know we can
sell you, at most, one-fourth of an
ounce? And for that you will pay
I let a tear come to my left eye.
"I'm sorry," I said contritely.
She looked at me a long time
and slowly got control of herself.
"I believe you," she announced
finally. "It's a mistake any fool
I was overjoyed. "Then I can
have it-I mean a tiny bottle of it?
I promise, Scout's honor, I will
never let it fall into the hands of
unscrupulous men. Please!"
She softened again and leaned
over the counter toward me. She
half-closed her eyes and moistened
her lips. Then-ever so slightly-
she nodded. "It is yours."
"How much is it?" I asked,
reaching for my billfold . . .
* * *
Wanda got her perfume, but
she never will get the camera for
Christmas. She broke off with me
the day after her birthday. She
told me she refused to associate
with a slob who thought so little
of her he'd give her a few drops of
cheap toilet water.
Maybe it's just as well, because
I'm too busy these days to see her
even if she'd have me. I'm work-
ing at The Pit, washing all those
mirrors and vacuuming the rug
and doing other odd jobs every
night. They said something about
a promissory note I'd signed and
possible court action, and a lot of
They told me I'd be working
there through the "foreseeable
future," whatever that means.
The woman at the Pit? Listen,
her birthday is next week, and
Comes the Dawn
If all you can say is "Damn Republicians" then I'll thank
you to shut up.
J. JOHNSON FRUIT & PRODUCE CO.
THE DUKE PEER
There, there, McClowski. I'm sure it's just a joke.
University Regulations You Should Know
All University fees are to be
paid in cash and in advance and
do entitle the payee to such Uni-
versity privileges as: use of the
drin k ing fountains, University
sidewalks, and an autopsy at the
Student Clinic. Payments may be
submitted by mail to the Bursar,
Sun Valley Idaho.
All students must live in dormi-
tories or houses approved by the
Committee on Student Housing.
Stringent regulations require all
such student dwelling places to
have at least a grass thatched roof
and a full length portrait of Dean
Matthews on the wall. Commut-
ing from such distances as Hanni-
bal, Moberly, or East St. Louis is
GRADES AND POINTS
A student's achievement in each
course is registered by E, S, M, I,
F. Grades of I and F require con-
sultation with your local draft
board. Grades of E and S are of
no importance unless the student
plans to graduate.
Students may withdraw from
courses with no loss of money
within three days of the beginning
of the semester. After that, only a
death release signed by a Univer-
sity-approved housemother will
be honored as sufficient cause for
refund of fees.
Before a student may register,
he must have a Permit to Enroll.
These may be obtained at the
Capitol in Jefferson City. Once
the Permit has been secured, stu-
dents seeking to register should
come prepared to remain over-
night and should carry with them
a flashlight, towel washcloth,
toothbrush, and sandwiches.
When all fees have been paid,
and after the student's head has
been shaved by the University
barber, his photograph will be
taken for his Identification Card.
All vehicles including cars, rol-
ler skates, and pogo sticks, re-
gardless of make, model, or con-
dition, are to be registered with
the Dean's Office. Upon receipt of
a student sticker, the owner is
then responsibile for all Univer-
sity and Columbia ordinances.
These include No Parking restric-
tions within three blocks of all
University buildings, 14 mile per
hour speed limits anywhere in
the county, and permanent exile
for striking any University police-
man, even with just cause. Own-
ers of motorcycles must not paint
or decorate them in any way to re-
semble vehicles of the State Pa-
trol. Fines incurred are to be paid
within fifteen minutes of receipt.
Confederate money will not be
honored. Appeals on University
traffic tickets may be made. All
such appeals should be post-
marked by midnight of the date
of receipts and should be mailed
to the Traffic Committee, c o
Dead Letter Office, Columbia,
Any questions regarding draft
deferment are absolutely ridicul-
If a student marries while re-
gistered at the University he is
subject to immediate expulsion, if
the Director of Admissions is not
notified within five days. Married
students will be asked to move
from University dormitories un-
less the woman is over eighty-
seven years old, in which case she
will be engaged as a Head Resi-
"Oh, all right-but I think you should know I
don't believe in getting pinned until after
Ernie's Steak House
A real old fashioned
Center-Spread only now
in full color.
The first entry in the
SHOWME short-story con-
the years. An Art page
in a refreshing new style.
The Big-Game in pic-
Swami follows up his
Octoberfest with a real
And many more fea-
tures, cartoons and stories
for y o u r Homecoming
ON SALE OCT. 22.
Swami has taken an Editorial
assistant this year, one Carolyn
Ford. When asked what duties
the job entails, this pert miss
modestly screams that she's just
an errand boy. Actually, she is
the integrating force between the
man with the cyrstal ball and the
staff of Showme. (Not to be con-
fused with the staff of Life.) What
she needs is a Buck Rogers Inte-
grator Ray Gun.
A five-foot-seven, 120 pound
junior, Carolyn is majoring in
Journalism and English Litera-
ture, and always cools her coffee
in a Chaucer.
Her age? Why she's twenty-
she represents a decade of good
old Jefferson City upbringing, and
believe you me, old Jeff City
didn't know what it was losing
when it decided to let Carolyn
come to the city for an education.
Kappa Kappa Gamma is where
this Ford parks each night, and is,
by the way, where she indulges
in her unusual hobby of censoring
Carolyn is probably the most
popular member of Swami's or-
ganization, as when it comes gag
meeting time, she doesn't partake
of bottled goodies, and incidental-
ly, has a scintillating wit.
When asked whether 7301
would be a good number to call
(for a single male, that is), Caro-
lyn replied, "Well, I won't know
until tonight, so at this printing,
her courting status is unknown.
If, at one time or another, you
should happen to see a vision of
what appears to be a pitcher of
beer perambulating around com-
plete w/arms, legs and sundry
other human equipment, why you
can bet your old bottom Green-
lease bill that it's none other than
the one and only, the ever popular
OUR OWN Chuck McDaneld.
A humorist, writer, poet and
gag man in his own right, he is
currently serving Swami as fath-
er confessor, with a little business
managing on the side, a position
to which he was elevated from
Circulation manager at the turn
of the new semester. He also
turns the handle of the printing
Chuck, a clear-eyed, fresh-com-
plexioned, nineteen - and - a - half-
going - on - twenty - year old Phi
Kappa Psi, hails from the far-
flung province of Kansas City.
When asked just why he picked
Columbia for his schooling, he re-
plied, "Blazes, I thought three and
a half bucks was awaful cheap for
a trip to Sout' America!"
While he isn't practicing his
toastmaster drill at Wheeler's So-
cial and Athletic Club, or teach-
ing the vagaries of vagrancy to
young, sweet fatales, Chuck might
be found learning all about the
intricacies involved in the heady
career of marketing over in all
those red brick buildings across
from the Shack.
GAY FESTIVE HOMECOMING-with its
colorful breathtaking floats and its
clever house decorations- the sus-
pense of the announcement of the
homecoming queen and her lovely
attendents at half time-the merriment
of the weekend.
It's Homecoming, the most exciting
weekend of the year. After yelling
"Go Tigers" in the crisp autumn air
all afternoon, what would be a more
wonderful way to climax the 1955
Homecoming weekend then dancing
to the delightful music of Richard
Maltby and witnessing the crowning
of the Queen at the Homecoming
You'll want to hear and see Dick Maltby play his first
and million dollar platter of "ST. LOUIS BLUES MAMBO",
plus his arrangements of "BEGIN THE BEGUINE MARCH"
and "SIX FLATS UNFURNISHED."
So plan now on dancing to the music of Richard Maltby,
Saturday night of Homecoming weekend and let this
1955 weekend be your greatest homecoming!
homecoming coronation ball
sponsored by S.G.A.